This one's for the ladies...

Okay, I know that some women out there read my blog.... I hope that I've been a decent source of entertainment for you folks.

Well, thanks for hanging around. I don't know if you wanted any eHarmony advice... but I'll give it a shot.

I considered giving this "From the labs" status, but the fact is... this isn't based on any experience whatsoever. It's basically an answer to my own mental question, "If I were to start an eHarmony Cracked system for women, where would I start?"

If any ladies want to develop this... I'd be interested in hearing your stories.

And guys... go ahead and read this. I think you'll get a few good laughs.

The Photo
A lot of women enter the world of online dating in the hopes that they'll find men who judge them for their "inside qualities" rather than appearances.

Well... get over it. Men are stupid, idiotic, and visual creatures. And the internet makes this problem worse, not better. As I see it, there are a couple of advantages of online dating for women: it exposes them to people they would not have ordinarily met, and it provides an opportunity for women to better "screen" men in a safe atmosphere. But it doesn't fundamentally change male psychology. Sorry.

Bottom line - dress up nice, and put up good photos. Believe me, if you're hot, you'll get more male attention than you want on eHarmony.

What if you're not hot? Guess what - you're sending your profile to a lot of guys. Some of them will think you're attractive. Even if you're heavy. Or bald. Or... whatever. So, dress up nice, show some confidence, and show the pictures. After all, do you really want to go on a date with a guy who isn't attracted to you?

Don't hide your photos. And don't use deceptive shots. It just creates an air of unfriendliness. And even if you land a date with someone with deceptive photos... you're starting on the wrong foot. Yes, some guys will fall for "headshots only" that avoid the fact that you're overweight... but it'll just end up being a bad scene when you go on a date. Stick with the guys who know what they're getting, and like it.

So... stop living in fantasy land, and embrace reality. Guys are guys. And that's not such a bad thing.

The profile
If you've got hot photos... you don't have to work very hard on the profile. You can be very vague. Guys will chase you, and will ask you about details. If they care. Relax. It's not that important.

If you're not as attractive... Don't show weakness in the profile. Be effusive about the things you enjoy, and the things that you're passionate about. Don't say anything bad about yourself.

Statements that show insecurity? Don't use them. At all. They make you look unattractive. Even statements like, "I'm shy at first". Stay positive and upbeat.

Guided communication
Again, stay positive and upbeat. But don't be afraid to ask good questions. Guys will answer them.

Don't be afraid to set the pace
Let's face it. Most of the guys on eHarmony are spineless wimps when it comes to making "the next step" with a woman. Don't be afraid to be agressive.

If an interesting guy hasn't initated communication with you? Go ahead and initiate it yourself.

If you prefer fast track to guided communication? Request the fast-track.

If they guy isn't asking for your phone number? Mention that you'd like to talk on the phone.

Trust me, most guys won't think badly of a woman who moves the agenda forward. And a lot of men really need to be pushed to the next step.

Overall? Yes, women do outnumber men on eHarmony... but I still think women have the advantage.

Then again, I could be wrong.

War Journal, 7/30/07

Finally, activity seems to be picking up...

Last week, I had two matches left. One provided minimal answers and no photo. She corrected these problems - as well as changing her religion to "Spiritual, but not religious." Never responded to my request for communication... so, I guess she's not interested. Nor am I, really. I closed.

The one who was in phase 3 hasn't answered her questions. I nudged her this weekend, I'll close her on Thursday if she doesn't respond.

As for new activity...

One new match closed me, citing "Other". Finally! Someone rejects my profile! I was beginning to think my profile was too generic!

One has a hidden photo, and an otherwise full profile. I've initiated communication, no response so far.

One has no photo, minimal answers to questions. I've initiated communication, but she'll probably be purged soon.

One has no photo, but left a decent sized profile... which hangs out some red flags. I'll give her a chance (it's only communication, after all), but if she doesn't respond, she'll be purged quickly.

Finally, a profile that I closed 30 days ago asked me to reconsider. She's older than I'd like to consider, and has some "red flags" that indicate a potential scammer. On one hand, she does have 3 photos which look like they came out of magazine advertisements (all carrying a soda can), and s/he claims to have been a dolphin behavior researcher who later got an MBA and started an organic fruit juice company... But, on the other hand, "scam" profiles can rarely keep an active eHarmony account for 30 days. I threw her a fast-track message offering to be friends. We'll see what happens - if she's a scammer, I'll report her, and eHarmony will take care of it. And, if not... she'd make an interesting friend.

And that's the week in review.

When she's not so hot...

When the earliest members of the internet pickup artist community began their experiments, they focused on what people needed to do to in order to get laid by the hottest women they could find in the bars.

But, when you restrict yourself to the "hotties", you develop rules that work on the "hotties". But may not work so well with others.

To take an extreme example? The rule, "Don't buy drinks for a woman". For a woman who's 9 or 10... this rule is valid. Lots of guys buy drinks for them, and when you join the herd, you've become a disposable tool. But when someone isn't all that hot... it's less common. And buying a drink may get some attention. (Of course, with a woman like this, a confident and friendly "Hello", and some interesting conversation will probably work just as well.)

The same thing goes with some of the tools I've elaborated upon. They're good for women who are attractive. But, if a woman doesn't feel like she's very (conventionally) attractive, you can get a self-esteem meltdown using these techniques.

So, how can you calibrate the system? Here's a rough guide.

First - calibrate yourself. Rate women on www.hotornot.com , and keep going until you can tell what ratings women usually earn.

If she doesn't show pictures - treat her like an 8 or above. The most common reason people don't show pictures is because they're not motivated... and little can be done to attract such people. The second most common reason is because they're hot, and tired of the attention that their pictures earn them.

Here's a rough guide on how I'd calibrate technique:

5 or below: Women are VERY fragile. Be VERY friendly. Don't show any disinterest, let her know that she's starting to meet your standards. Still, don't gush with the compliments, and don't act like she's a sure thing. Don't ask hard questions. I'd use a sincere compliment, and a comment on what you have in common instead of an "observe and challenge" in the open communication template.

6-7's : Be friendly. One hard question per phase AT MOST. Never be critical. Don't show any disinterest, show some genuine interest and curiosity. Imply (but do not state) that she's starting to meet your standards. Don't tease. Go with an "observe and challenge", but be a LOT more funny than cocky.

8's : Standard technique.

9-10's : Good job in attracting their attention. Ask hard questions, but don't be outright critical. Don't let her think she's winning. Let her know that you've got a lot of other women chasing you... but you haven't met the right person yet. Make 'em work to reel you in.

Making a style overhaul

If you've improved your hygiene (like in yesterday's article), you should be noticing some significant improvements in your appearance - and your success in obtaining better eHarmony photos and dates.

But, for some people, improving your hygiene is not enough. Some people are in a "comfort zone" in their style. They've had the same hairstyle, and worn the same clothing for years. But, over time, you start to blend into the background.

Unfortunately, when you blend into the background... it's hard to generate interest.

One quote that I've taken from Mystery is, "If you're not getting compliments on your clothing on a regular basis, it's not good enough." I'd extend that even further, to hairstyle, and accessories.

One approach that I took in overhauling my style (which I've adapted from the StyleLife Challenge, while it was running) is to take the style overhaul a step at a time.

Find your weakest link - whether it's hair, clothes, eyeglasses, or whatever.

Let's say it's your clothes. Start asking people to recommend where the best Men's clothing stores are. Don't just ask anyone. The best referrals come from women who are as good looking (or better) than the people you are looking to date. The next best referrals come from men who regularly attract the women you'd like to attract.

If you don't know anyone... ask strangers. Tell them you're new to town. You'll be surprised about how friendly (and helpful) people can be when you ask them for advice. And they'll probably take your solicitation as a compliment.

Now, after taking your survey, see what store was recommended the most. If you can, avoid single label stores (such as Gap, Banana Republic, etc.). And, if people have mentioned a store that is NOT a national chain, that would be best. (Unfortunately,these stores are a dying breed.)

If you've got a particularly helpful, enthusiastic, and style-conscious friend... ask them to shop with you. If not, find an attractive female salesman.

Tell them that you're looking to find a set of clothes that are "completely different" from what you usually wear. If they ask about the occasion, tell them that you need to dress up to attend a fashion show. And don't let her talk you into making selections - insist that your friend or the salesperson make them. And if the saleswoman won't do it, find another saleswoman.

Try on all the clothes. Be VERY fussy about how the clothes fit. If they don't fit fantastically well, don't buy them.

Start with one set of clothes. And wear them once in awhile.

If you've followed my advice... you're making a departure from your usual "comfortable" fashions. It's going to feel weird at first. But, when you change your clothes, you'll probably notice people treating you differently. Salespeople are more friendly. Strangers will engage you in conversation more. You'll get compliments. That's how you know that you're on the right track.

Over time, get more outfits. Solicit recommendations for a hair stylist, and tell them to do something "completely different" for you.

Do this... and you're off to a good start.

For those dirty, dirty boys...

Okay... your image isn't working on eHarmony (or a date), and you're feeling like you need to clean things up.

First - you've got to go to basics. And literally clean up. Because the first thing that will kill anyone's appearance is the appearance that they're unhygenic. Or sick.

Some of these things should be obvious. It's a rare guy who will have problems with everything on this list. Odds are, you'll be reminded about a couple of things on this list... But those one or two things can make a big difference.

Skin/Odor

• Obvious points here: You need to wash yourself. And if you're moving past the eHarmony phase, you need to make sure you don't have body odor. Shower often. Use a deodorant soap, and deodorant. If you still smell bad... figure out why.
• If you've got skin problems, you need to treat them. If you have acne, don't ignore it - treat it. Same with oily skin, peeling skin... or any other skin conditions. Over the counter products are fine, if they solve the problem. If you can't solve them with over the counter medications, see a dermatologist.
• Keep your ears clean. Use a Q-Tip.
  

Hair

• If you've got hair, cut it monthly.
• Your hair needs to look clean and hygenic. If it's oily, or dry... do what you need to do to fix it.
• Do what you need to do to keep your hair looking natural, and in-place. Unless you're lucky, you'll probably need to do a lot of trial and error with hair products to find what works for you.
• Most men do best without facial hair (except for eyebrows). Unless you're really getting a lot of compliments on it, experiment with getting rid of it. If you don't get compliments on cleaning up, you can always grow it back.
• "Facial hair" includes ear hair, nose hair, and any other hair where it shouldn't be. Trim regularly.
• If your eyebrows get overgrown, have the barber cut them when you get your hair cut.
• Tweeze out stray eyebrow hairs on a regular basis.
• If you have facial hair that works for you... keep it clean, well-trimmed, and neat.

Eyes

• If you wear glasses, keep 'em clean.

Teeth

• Brush twice daily. Floss daily.
• See a dentist regularly.
  
• If you still have bad breath - fix it.
• If you've got yellow teeth, fix them. I've heard (from dentists that I trust) that Crest Whitestrips are safe, and they've worked well for me. Use the "Premium Plus" formula - it is more powerful. Be aware that the whitening treatments are not permanent, and will need to be repeated to keep your teeth white. If they don't work... consider professional whitening.
• I know it's expensive - but you might consider fixing crooked or missing teeth.

Clothes

• If they're not clean, don't wear them.
• If they're wrinkled when they shouldn't be... don't wear them.
• If they're faded or stained, when they shouldn't be... don't wear them.
• If they've got holes, missing buttons, rips, or loose threads... don't wear them.
• If they don't fit, don't wear them.
  
• Yes, shoes count as "clothes". And follow the same rules.

Your body

• Have good, but not stiff posture. Make good eye contact.
• You can do okay if you're overweight... but it's much easier if you're not. If you decide to lose weight, don't go for "quick fixes", they don't work for long. Personally, I've lost 65 pounds and kept it off for over 3 years on a Weight Watcher's plan...
• Going to the gym, and lifting weights will help.

Obvious? Yeah. But necessary, if you want to look decent.

Style rehabilitation tomorrow...

So, you're "ugly"? It's fixable!

It's time to hit that sensitive spot yet again. After all, many people come to eHarmony, hoping that they can attract people in spite of how they look.

As I've said before, most men can find a few good photos. If they take enough of them. But, some men still struggle to find a good picture.

The bad news? Sorry, photos are important. When I had bad pictures, I did horribly. Once my photos improved, so did my results.

The good news? It's actually very easy for most men to dramatically improve their appearance. Even if, right now, most women would rate you a five or below.

Fortunately, for men, physical attractiveness isn't so much about bone structure or body type (which are more important for women) than it is about hygiene and style. And you don't need to go to a plastic surgeon to fix those.

Again, there are many pick-up artist guides to improving your appearance. I don't want to duplicate those. But I can talk about what I found helpful. And, hopefully, some of our readers will leave comments about things that they find helpful as well.

We'll start tomorrow...

The Holiday List

When you start doing well on eHarmony, you'll start building a collection of women, who, for whatever reason, aren't quite ready for what you want.

Maybe you've had some great pre-date banter, but, before the first meet-up, she lets you know that she decided to get into an exclusive relationship with someone else.

Maybe, during the first date, she seemed okay, but preoccupied with other problems and not ready for what you want.

Maybe she suddenly stopped responding to your emails, and offered no explanation.

Maybe she was likeable, but the chemistry wasn't quite there.

There can be a number of reasons why a woman might be close... but not quite where you want them.

Guess what? You don't need to throw them out completely.

Here's a little technique that's worked well for me.

When holidays come around, I scour the internet for interesting videos, cards, anecdotes, or other things that relate to the upcoming holiday.

I pick the one I like the best, and send it to all of my friends and acquaintances. And I include the "near miss" women in that list.

It's amazing how often women, who might have left you cold in the past, will respond. And try to reengage you.

And, suddenly, the chase is back on. With them chasing you.

After all... you were just sending a friendly note that you send to all your acquaintances, yes?

Nudge, Nudge...

Hmm... looks like I never talked much about eHarmony's "nudge" feature. I need to fix that...

As well-versed eHarmony users know, eHarmony provides an option to send someone a "nudge" if they haven't responded to a communication in seven days. After you press the "nudge" button, an email is sent to the match, and your listing is highlighted with the fact that you send her a nudge.

In my experience - it's occasionally helpful. Attractive women have a lot of people who request communication, and it's easy for your profile to get lost in the shuffle. It's a polite way to draw attention to the fact that she hasn't responded. In particular, when open communication begins, many women don't realize that they MUST write the first message for the process to continue - a nudge sends a clear message.

The only problem? You've got to keep them in your profile for seven days in order to nudge them. Nudging won't help if a woman has an inactive profile. And keeping her on your list may prevent you from getting other matches.

So, generally, I reserve this for people who seem like they're active in the system, and who look promising to me.

Some women, however, are chronically slow. And may require several nudges throughout the process.

I've met a few of these women. Usually, there's a good reason why they aren't able to keep up. They're usually preoccupied - and not really good dating material. Because of this, I've stopped sending second nudges. I close them instead... and open myself to someone who makes themselves more available.

War Journal, 7/23/07

The two nonresponsive matches from last week continued to be unresponsive. I closed them.

Two new matches this week:
One provided no photo and minimal answers. Hasn't responded, likely to be purged.

One is now in phase 3, "Reading your questions". At first glance, not seeming my type - her profile emphasized that she's a sports fan with a child. Neither of those really resonate with me. But, let's give her a chance to see what we might have in common...

Got a sticking point? Relax.

Everyone here has sticking points on eHarmony.

Some people have their problems in the beginning - in getting people to respond to their profiles.

For others, it's getting the phone number. Or getting her to kiss you. Or overcoming her defenses in having sex "too soon".

And it IS important to know what your sticking point is. But, in some ways, knowing what your sticking point is creates another problem.

When people recognize that they have a problem... they visibly "try harder" to overcome it.

People having sticking points in their "about me" profiles overcompensate in many ways. By becoming more inoffensive, by adding obvious attention-grabbing "tricks", or becoming overly cocky. Some of these things are okay, but when they become obvious (rather than subtle), it displays insecurity.

When people have trouble getting phone numbers - they start to act like it's a big deal to get one. And the request doesn't look casual. When it stops looking casual, her defenses are raised, and she doesn't feel comfortable providing it. Same with the first kiss. Or any other step along the path.

So, if you've got a sticking point... the first order is to relax a bit. Try to make the next step look natural and fun. Because, when you look uncomfortable... a woman will wonder why.

(Oh, and an apology to loyal readers for the lateness of this entry. Thanks for your patience.)

If she's displaying an agenda too soon... Make it HER problem!

When most women want to build a relationship, they can usually sense the "correct" times to ask the most difficult questions. For example, questions about what you're looking for in a relationship. Or about your past.

And when they ask, they tend to ask in ways that make men comfortable. For example, they might talk about the time that they stopped seeing another eHarmony date, because he wasn't interested in a serious relationship. Which (if you are looking for a serious relationship) gives you an opportunity to empathize with her, and imply that you would have done the same thing. Or, give you an opportunity to say that you're looking for a casual relationship first, to see if things "build" later on.

They're good at this. I let them do it.

But... sometimes, they're not so good. And, sometimes, women will insist upon pushing past your point of comfort. For me, this usually comes down to asking intrusive questions about my former marriage during the first date (or before).

Sometimes, they react to subtle hints that we don't know each other well enough to understand such complicated histories. But, sometimes... they continue to insist.

So, why do some women do this? Because they're anxious. And usually, pretty damaged, themselves.

And the subject isn't what I'm uncomfortable talking about... it's what she's dying to talk about. It's about HER damage.

So, I turn it around. It usually doesn't take much. In my case, just saying, "I don't know... have you ever been divorced?", or, "I don't know... what happened in your", last marriage/broken engagement/with your last boyfriend, or whatever?"

They're usually dying to vent. Let them.

When they're talked out, step back a minute. Show them that you understand how hard it must have been for them.

And then... ask them how they feel about meeting other men after she's had such a blow.

Listen carefully. And decide if you're willing to continue seeing someone who has this kind of damage. (For me, the answer is almost always, "no".)

If you can't deal with it... tell her how you can't work with someone like her. And leave with head held high.

If you can deal with her issues... the agenda discussion is over. You've talked about the real problem.

She's into you when...

Pickup artists have written many book chapters and articles about "indicators of interest" - basically, signs that a woman is interested, and ready for an escalation of the relationship. Generally, these are subtle changes in body language and behavior.

Online, however, you can't go by the same signs.

So, what are some of the online signs that you've got a strong hold on a woman's attention? Here's a short list.

• She's asking a TON of questions, relating to conversational hooks you've left in your profile. She wouldn't ask, if she weren't intrigued.
• Long, drawn out answers to phase 3 questions, or to the "gentler" questions you ask in open communication. Long, drawn out answers generally mean that she's trying to prove herself worthy of your attention. And she's working to meet your standards.
• In her answers, she's talking about a relationship with you, as if it already existed, or were to happen. If she's not comfortable about that idea, she won't put herself there.
• If she mentions sex outside of the "Must haves/can't stands" list... she's either VERY comfortable with you, or she's trying to get your attention. Both can be very good things.
• Quick response times. (Still... limit interaction to 3 times a day, maximum.)
  
• She compliments you. (And if she does this, accept the compliment!)
• Teasing/flirting/attention-seeking behavior. She wouldn't be doing these things, if she didn't want your attention.
  

eHarmony Cracked - Limits of the system

Unfortunately, not everyone can be helped by the eHarmony Cracked system.

This system is designed for people who have, in the past, been able to form healthy relationships... but, for some reason are unable to translate this success to eHarmony or their dating lives.

I imagine that many of the people coming to this blog (and our google group) have had life-long difficulties in forming relationships - both inside, and outside eHarmony.

And they find themselves unable to follow the core principles of eHarmony Cracked.

They can't make themselves look appealing in their profile. Because they have problems identifying who they are, or how they feel. And they feel that they're unworthy of asking others to meet them on their needs or desires.

They can't stop themselves from offering bribes. Because they can't see themselves as ever "good enough" for another person, feel that they can only be accepted by attending to others, or feel like they need to be "needed" in a relationship.

And they can't help but chase women that they don't know. Because rejection (even from a stranger) is just too painful. And, in avoiding rejection, they value other's opinions, and feelings more than their own. Or compromise their own values and integrity to avoid rejection. Or put aside their own interests, for the sake of others - Even a stranger's. And often find themselves in harmful or demeaning situations, just to avoid that rejection.

Finally, there are those who believe that they, themselves, should be the right guy for everybody. Because they believe that they should be able to convince others what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.

If you're this way... you need to do some serious work on yourself before you're ready for eHarmony. I know. I've been there.

For me, many of my attitudes changed with a lot of hard work from a good therapist. And, although I'd like to have a nationwide network of skilled therapists who could help my readers with their own internal struggles... I'm just a blogger. I have no such resources.

But there is a national group that can be helpful. It's free to use, and it's been very helpful to me in the past. In fact, all of the things I described above were paraphrased from their website.

Codependents Anonymous is an international fellowship of people who are working with each other on their ability to form healthier relationships.

And if you feel like you need help with any of the things I've mentioned... This group can be helpful. Give their website a look, and find a meeting near you.

War Journal, 7/16/07

Last week, I had two matches that didn't open. They didn't open during the week... so I closed 'em.

This week brought me the following:
3 matches that I closed due to distance (over 4 hours away).
One match that closed me due to distance (3 hours away).
One match with minimal answers and no photo, hasn't responded. To be purged this week if no response.
One match who isn't very appealing so far, hasn't responded. To be purged this week if no response.

Things are crawling along...

What, if anything, is a bribe?

There has been some confusion on the Google Group, on what a bribe is.

A technical definition might be, "An attempt to gain a woman's interest by offering anything other than your genuine self."

And I come down hard against bribe attempts. They imply that, even on your best days, you believe that your best self isn't good enough to intrigue anyone. And that attitude is unattractive.

Despite the definition, it can sometimes be hard to figure out if you're offering a bribe.

Here's one way to know.

If you act a certain way, and a woman rejects it, how do you feel?

If you shrug your shoulders, and go, "Hmm... I wonder if we're such a good fit, after all", then it's probably not a bribe.

If, on the other hand, you feel confused about the fact that she didn't like what you've offered, it's a bad sign that you're in bribe mentality.

If you're angry that she didn't accept your generosity, that's another sign.

Because when people offer bribes, they think they're offering a "sure thing". And when you're offering yourself, that sense of certainty is never there.

In this game, the only thing that you can be certain of, is that a woman who doesn't like you isn't worth pursuing.

Divorce and children: What SHOULD you say?

eHarmony is a bit unusual, for an online "dating" service. Most of these services have very clear checkboxes to say whether you're divorced, or have children. eHarmony doesn't.

So, should you talk about your ex-wife and children?

That depends.

The question you should as yourself is, "Does it really matter?"

As I've mentioned before, I'm divorced. There is no hope or desire to reconcile. Me and my ex-wife don't talk to each other. I do have to send checks to her once in awhile... but I'd have to go very far in a relationship before a woman would know any financial information about me. So, it's not relevant. And I don't mention it at all in my profile.

If someone asks me about it (and they usually will during the phone conversation or during pre-date banter), I'll say that I've been divorced. What more I'll say depends on how ready they are to talk about their past relationships, and how comfortable the conversation is.

But, really, my divorce is not a part of my everyday life, my passions, or my beliefs. It doesn't belong on my profile.

If you have children... it would depend upon your situation.

If you don't have children who live with you (or you have easy access to sitters), and you're only looking for a few casual flings... I'd say it's not relevant to the relationships that you're seeking. And I wouldn't mention it.

If you're looking for marriage potential, your geographic boundaries are large, you have children who live with you, and your ability to travel is limited... I'd say that it's very relevant. You don't want to waste time with women who aren't going to be able to handle these limitations. And it's impolite to ask for their time.

If that's the case, I'd mention it one time in your profile, in a nondefensive manner. They might make a good subject for, "People who've had an impact on my life" - it's an opportunity to talk about how they made you more mature, open, or caring. And it's a way to talk about them in a very positive light.

But only say it once. Repeats make you look defensive.

The quiet power of subtlety

In my blog, I've been explaining how to project qualities that most women find desirable. Confidence. The ability to be yourself, without fear of rejection. Self-value, and the desire not to give yourself away to just anyone.

When people are beginning to integrate these ideas, they often try to broadcast them in the profile.

That's a mistake.

For example, a lot of people try to integrate Neil Strauss's "Beauty is common" routine in their profile. (The essence of which is to say that you're unimpressed by beauty - you need more if your attention is going to be raised.)

The trouble is... anyone can say that. In fact, saying it makes you look defensive. Or like you have an axe to grind against people who are attractive.

And, the fact is, you don't need to say this.

Which is more convincing - they guy who says boring, generic, inoffensive things but puts "beauty is common" in his profile? Or the guy who saw the photo, answers questions fearlessly, and asks deep, insightful questions during phase 3?

When you say too much about your standards, you come off as defensive and unfriendly. Be subtle. And be the alpha-dog, don't just talk about it.

How I beat the "no chemistry" problem

It seems like I've been beating up on the pick-up community a lot lately... but I've learned a lot from them. And I'm grateful - they've helped me solve a lot of the difficulties that I had in developing a relationship.

One of them? The chemistry problem.

Before I started to educate myself, my dates went pretty predictably. I'm pretty good at having conversations with people... but, after an evening of pleasant conversation, I wouldn't get a second date. The usual? "You're a really great guy... but I just can't see you as a boyfriend."

It was clear. I needed to make changes. And I made a lot of them.

I can't talk with authority here. There are people in the community who are much more experienced than me. But I can talk about some of the key things that made a difference for me.

Set expectations during the first phone call
Typically, during my first phone conversation with a woman, we talk a little bit about our eHarmony experience - it's something that we have in common from the start. One thing that I say is that I've met some great people through the service... but just didn't have chemistry with that many of them.

And there we go. I've set a subtle expectation. If she wants to stay with me... she's got to work to hold my baser instincts at attention, too. Otherwise... we're just friends.

Get comfortable with playful touching
This was another problem that I had - after all, when I returned to the dating scene, I hadn't physically flirted with another woman for over ten years.

I was uncomfortable. Awkward. Afraid she'd slap me away, and that I'd blow it completely.

Well... I was dead wrong with that last sentence.

Most women have had uncomfortable physical advances. And they've learned how to politely turn away. Unless you're doing something really boorish... you're probably going to be okay. Even if you're a little too aggressive.

But if she's starting to show subtle signs of interest, and you're not initiating physical contact... it's a fast track to the friend zone.

There are tons of guides on the internet about initiating touch. A google search on "kino escalation" (the pick-up artist's term for this) will probably turn up some good articles. Or, maybe some experienced pickup artists can leave a comment with an article they found helpful. Find them, read them, and learn.

Keep the suspense alive
A lot of guys end the date by relieving tension. Saying they had a good time. Asking for the next date, right then and there. Ending when you're kind of happy, but exhausted and running out of things to say.

You may be satisfying some short-term urges. But you're removing tension.

You want her to wonder if she's meeting your standards.

First of all, keep the first date a little short. You want her to wish it had been longer.

Next, when she gets home, you want her to be nervous about when and whether that phone will ring. Because, if you don't... she'll be spending her time worrying if a relationship would work out. And she'll start analyzing the date for "red flags". And no one passes that test.

If she asks if you're having a good time? Give a polite yes.

If she asks about the next date? Be vague. Say that you need to check your calendar, and that you'll call her. (That's girl talk for "I'm thinking about it.")

How soon should you call back? Experiment.

For me, personally? If a girl is interested, she'll usually call before I call her. Many pickup artists talk about waiting 3 or more days... but waiting that long hasn't worked well for me, personally. Two days has been the "sweet spot" for me.

So, for me, when I started to display that I was rating her on "chemistry", and left her in suspense about my judgment... I've found that women will try hard to please me. And they'll do it with physical play, once I started to get the ball rolling.

Zen, and the art of answering eHarmony questions

In the pick-up artist community, people talk a lot about "shit tests". Usually, the community recommends "cocky and funny" dodges.

Which works fine, when you're trying to reassure a woman that you're not interested in anything other than sex with her.

But, to a relationship-minded woman... it just doesn't work.

The fact is, when most men are asked questions on eHarmony, they try to avoid giving answers - because they don't want to offend a woman who's "on the line". And they can be cocky and funny too.

So, if you try a pickup technique here... you look exactly like the average wussbag.

So, what do you do?

It's time to think about this... like a Zen master.

She's throwing the, "Do you meet my standards" question at you.

You can attack her - and look defensive. Which makes her think you don't have what it takes.

You can do a cocky and funny dodge. But that will make her think you're a weenie.

Or, you can answer the question in a carefree, unhurt way.

It's a great move. You've sucked her power away. You're not even trying to meet her standards, or even look like you are.

In fact, you're telling her who you are - and asking her if she can deal with you.

So, now... you own the test.

And if you don't know the answer? Say so. But say why. Again, in a carefree, unhurt way.

It's counterintuitive. But it works like a charm. I get complimented all the time about the answers I provide.

It's a refreshing change from the usual wussbag responses.

War Journal, 7/9/07

Now that I'm back at a computer that doesn't lie behind a firewall... here are last week's stats:

Two fast-tracks were in the water last week.

The first was a woman who I had closed (from nonresponse), and who sent a "Please reconsider" final message. She answered my "Phase 3" questions well, looked like she was hooked. But she only provided one photo - a headshot at a VERY strange angle. I gave her a chance to try again... and she (predictably) closed, saying the chemistry wasn't there. I guess she knew what I was going to think of her pictures...

The other... accepted my fast-track, but hasn't written. And will probably fall victim to my Thursday Night purge. Maybe even sooner. Sigh. Another lesson reinforced - sometimes, women describe who they want to be, instead of who they are. Still - no loss.

I closed another woman (who I shuffled to guided communication), due to her not picking up communication.

As for new matches this week:
I closed one for living over 5 hours away.
One closed me, citing distance.
One is no photos/minimal answers - will probably be purged soon.

And that's a wrap.

Warning: Some Pickup Techniques Can Be Harmful to your Long-term Game!

Sometimes, you can build something, and it can take on purposes that you never intended...

To some people, this site (as well as our google group) has served as an entry point into the pickup artist community.

Up to a point, this is a good thing. The community teaches some principles that are very important. However, there are some "techniques" that are counterproductive for men who want to build long-term relationships. So, if your goal is a long-term relationship, here's a list of some "traps" in the world of the pickup artists.

Conversations in a Can
The first time you see a magic trick... it can be fun. You watch it, and marvel at the magician's skill in pulling off the illusion.

But, a lot of times, when you see the secret... it's a real let-down. You usually see that it was a cheap, unsophisticated trick. And that the magician demonstrated more showmanship than skill.

The pick-up artist community is heavily influenced by "magic tricks". They circulate a lot of "instant conversations" that can help you generate short-term interest. "Openers" are reliable conversation-starters. "Routines" and "Patterns" are interesting tricks that demonstrate positive qualities - whether it's an exciting life, or the ability to understand one's partner in a deep way.

If you're a pick-up artist, these techniques will work long enough for a woman to have a fling with you. But, over the long haul... women either know, or find out, that they're tricks. And if you can't be that interesting, social, empathic person over the long haul, you're not going to have a successful long-term relationship.

This is why I emphasize - you need to base your hooks upon the positive and intriguing aspects of your own personality.

Shit tests? Or comfort questions?
In the world of the pickup artist, a man is continuously, and persistently, emphasizing to the woman that they are having a relationship "in the moment". If a woman asks about anything other than how she feels and enjoys the moment... it's considered a "shit test".

Because, to a pickup artist, she's bringing up irrelevant concerns. And, in the pickup artist world... asking questions like this is a way for a woman to tell if a man is really the "in-the moment" guy that he says he is.

But, if a woman is looking for someone with potential to be a long-term partner... the cocky and funny dismissal of a real concern will cause some very real problems.

And, yes, you can be an assertive, alpha male when answering difficult questions.

I've tried to say how before... but it wasn't terribly effective. I'll try again tomorrow.

(Oh, and I'll post my war journal tonight.)

Need better hooks? Do different things!

Okay, you've started to follow some of my profile-building advice. You're laying down some hooks for future conversation... but no one's biting.

You tried switching lures... and it's still not working.

Maybe it's time to find new lures.

So how do you find them?

Do something different. Over time, you need to rely less and less upon the television, movies, video games, and the internet for entertainment. They have their place - you don't want to look like a social misfit - but talking about these things will rarely help you stand out from the crowd.

Pick up the entertainment section of your newspaper. Or your city's weekly entertainment guide. Start searching the internet for interesting, and different things to do offline.

Are there any interests that you've always wanted to pick up? If so, why are you waiting?

Heck, are there some interests that seem totally out of your personality... but intrigue you nonetheless? Go out there, and try it anyway!

It's like yesterday's column... what's the worst that can happen? At worst, you fall on your ass a few times. But you'll still have great stories to tell. Failures make great stories too.

It's really that simple. There are no good shortcuts. And an interesting, varied life is a reward unto itself.

Time for some polls...

Blogger started adding a "poll" feature. I'll start taking advantage of that....

Look for polls on the left hand side.

"This can't work."

Every once in awhile, I get an email or comment decrying the fact that some of my techniques "can't work."

Which seems strange... because they usually work for me.

My usual response? I ask them details about their attempts. Sometimes, even subtle changes can change people's results, and provide good background for future articles.

What I usually discover is that they haven't really tried the technique that they're criticizing.

I'll admit it. It can be difficult to try some of these techniques. Some of them are counterintuitive. And most of us fear making such a move.

The question is... what do you really fear? If you try something different, and it doesn't work, what's the worst thing that can happen?

A woman will close you. But you'll get a new one a few days later. No big deal.

There's simply no harm in trying something different. So... try it my way a few times. You can always go back to the way you did things before.

My guess is... you won't want to.

What you say when you "observe and challenge".

People who are following my template for the first open communication letter are often confused with the "observe and challenge" section.

I don't blame you. This section, when successfully accomplished, demonstrates and accomplishes a lot of things... in spite of the fact that it's only one or two sentences.

For one, it demonstrates that you're a quality person, looking for another quality person. You value yourself, and your time. You don't just talk to anybody. You read the profiles. (I hear so many complaints from women about men who don't...) And when you read the profile, you noticed something that interested you. But, being a quality person, you're not completely convinced by her words alone... she needs to demonstrate that she's "for real".

Receiving this, overall, should be considered a compliment. It implies that the two of you share some things in common that are worth exploring. And it shows the woman that, if she is the real deal (which she probably is, at least in her mind), that you'll reward her with your interest. And like I said before, women value the things they have to work for... not the things that fall into their laps. And the beauty is... she can hook you in by doing something that she already enjoys doing.

Overall, she should imagine you as a friendly, social person, with a sense of humor. Someone who shares some things in common with her, and is, potentially a great catch... that just needs to be reeled in with a little effort.

The most common errors at this phase?

• That you're pointing out an area of dissimilarity, rather than confirming a similarity.
• Coming off as unfriendly, harsh, or critical. Being too cocky, and not social, friendly, or funny.
• That you're setting an impossible standard for her.

It may take some practice to get this section "right". But when you pull it off... women chase you. And that's a great thing.

Don't buy this crap...

Lately, eHarmony has been adding optional features.

I've got no problem with eHarmony trying to make money. But two of these features will, at best, leave you poorer. And, at worst, they may make you less successful.

Let's take a closer look at two of these.

The Expanded Personality Profile
In the beginning, eHarmony offerred all lookers a free, complete personality profile.

So... in the beginning, people logged onto the service looking for nothing other than the personality profile.

Someone at eHarmony probably came up with the bright idea, "If people are logging in just for this... maybe we can charge them money for it."

So, they started showing people less of their personality profile. And started charging folks to see an "expanded" version.

Normally, I wouldn't have a problem with this. But, as a special bonus... they flag your account, saying that you have expanded information available.

Well... as I said before, you should NOT reveal your personality profile. Much less, be flagging it as having "extra-special" information. Or flagging yourself as someone who thinks that paying money will make their profile more appealing.

There are plenty of websites that will offer free personality tests. And you can keep your results to yourself. Have fun with those. Save your money.

The "Secure Call"
I've already told you guys... I've never failed to get a phone number that I wanted after using my open communication techniques. I'm not saying it can't happen (it probably will, someday), but it's never happened to me.

If a woman suggested "secure call", I'd move on to letter #3. She's asking me to pay in order to talk to someone I haven't really met? When there are plenty of women that won't? She's just too uncomfortable with the eHarmony process - let someone else reassure her. I'm moving on.

And don't suggest it yourself. It will make her wonder why she should feel uncomfortable with a phone call.

It makes you look like a married guy. Just call her like all of the normal guys with nothing to hide do.

Don't spend money on this.

A source for 3rd stage questions

In the past, I've written briefly about the need to write original questions during phase 3.

I'll have to admit, I really didn't provide any specific questions to ask.

I have a number of reasons. First of all, this website is building a pretty active audience. And if a lot of them are using the same "original" questions... they're not original anymore.

Also... I'm kind of attached to the questions that I ask. I'd like them to keep working well for me.

Well, some members have left some interesting comments. "Net Penguin" actually suggested a couple of books for question ideas.

I was intrigued. I looked them up on Amazon.com.

Sure enough... one of his suggestions is (somewhat) readable online. You can take a look here.

If you don't want to pay for the book... just click on "Look inside", and tell it to "surprise me!". You'll be able to read random pages in the book.

Of course, this is Saywell & McFarlane's "If... (Questions For the Game of Life)", and not Scott Grey's "Book of Phase 3 questions." Some of these questions aren't appropriate for phase 3. Reread my phase 3 advice, and make sure that you choose questions that meet my criteria for "good questions".

But, if you need some ideas to get your creative juices flowing... this is a good start.

War Journal, 7/2/07

Looks like things have picked up considerably...

The one match I had last week... didn't respond. I closed her. A few days later, she sent a final message asking me to reconsider. I reopened and fast-tracked her. She's accepted the fast-track, but hasn't written yet. I asked for a lot, though - for photos, and 2 of my usual phase 3 questions.

As for the new matches...

3 closed me due to distance (I would have closed one of them, except for the fact she was close to other matches that I was considering.)
I closed one due to distance (Living over 4 hours away)
I closed one due to never being out of graduate school in her life.
I closed two "flexible matches" due to age.

I opened communication with one, no response yet.
One profile included the phrase, "I think it's really hard to get to know someone on 'paper' - both me figuring out if you are right for me and vice versa. I'm generally pretty open to just getting on the phone or meeting - it's often the best way to find out if there is something there." I fast-tracked her, no response yet.

The programming contest is over...;

Well, our programming contest is over. And the only entry... was the original eHarmony Blog script.

And that's not a bad thing. Glad to see it available and legal to use.

If the author would like to collect on her phone conversation with me... she can email me at the address above to make arrangements.

Congratulations!