When comfort is high, and attaction is low...

One of the most frustrating experiences people have when they're starting to do well on eHarmony is when they've built a comfort level with a woman, but the level of attraction is low.

When the comfort level is high, a woman will feel okay about spending time with you. She knows that you're a decent, solid guy. She knows that you're likable in some way.

But, when you haven't built a sense of attraction... there's no sense of tension.

She knows that you want to be with her. You're reliable, and comfortable. Good to have around when she needs to feel desired.

And you can be put away again, if she finds someone who needs to be chased. Because you're a handy "backup man".

So, what behaviors can you expect when comfort is high, but attraction is low?

• She doesn't agree to a phone call or date, but still wants to talk online.
• You go on a lot of dates, but she turns away your attempts to advance the relationship.
  
• She flakes on dates, but still wants to continue talking with you.
• She sees you as a friend, but nothing more.

When you're in this spot... the best thing to do is to is figure out why attraction is low.

What are you doing that makes you available in this way?

Figure it out. Because you'll need it for the next step.

(By the way, tomorrows article will be posted in the evening. Thanks for reading - and have a great new year!)

What creates attraction? What creates comfort?

In my previous articles, I've thrown out the terms "building attraction" and "building comfort". However, I'm now realizing that I've never really attempted to define these terms.

Let's try to solve this problem.

"Attraction", in it's early stages, is a state of enjoyable tension and anxiety.

In the beginning, it comes by expressing hints that you have traits that she finds desirable, but are difficult to find in others. And it comes from being uncertain that she will be able to catch or hold your attention.

Attraction creates energy, tension, and excitement. But, if the level of excitement becomes too high, it stops being enjoyable, and starts to become scary. It becomes... uncomfortable.

So, when attraction is starting to become scary, "comfort" needs to be built.

"Comfort" builds a sense that, if a woman continues to peruse you, she's not going to be hurt. It comes from sharing the same goals in a relationship (whether it's a quick shag, or to consider each others' long-term potential). From not being so critical that she fears disrespect. And, later in the relationship, that you share common values.

They're the qualities that make someone a good friend. Someone you know, and can rely upon. And it's an important part of a relationship, especially in the long-term.

But, if "attraction" isn't there... you're "just friends." You're the guy who's reliable, who understands her, and won't leave. You're a fixture in her life, but not an object of desire.

And female friends can be great. But they're not girlfriends. And it's rare that they'll turn into girlfriends later.

Let's go over some specific "problems" in attraction and comfort tomorrow.

The eHarmony Date Predictor has been updated...

Only two days after it's release, the eHarmony Date Predictor has been updated. You can download it here.

Changes made:

• Changed "number of active eHarmony members" and source of information. May provide a more accurate number of dates that you'll get when you first subscribe. (Or, it may not.)
• Factored in the increased likelihood that women with attractive pictures will get more dates. (Why didn't I think of that before?)

Enjoy!

Lessons learned from real-estate agents

One good thing about rainy days on a vacation - it give you time to catch up on your reading.

I've had "Freakonomics" (By Levitt and Dubner) sitting on my shelf for quite awhile.

And, yes, it does include a lot of data on online dating... but there was a section that intrigued me more.

It was a section that discussed the terms that real-estate agents use when they're describing homes.

Turns out that some of the things that sound good on paper are actually associated with lower sales prices on the home.

The terms that the authors listed?

"Fantastic", "Spacious", "Charming", "Great Neighborhood", and the use of exclamation points.

What's wrong with these descriptions?

They're vague.

They signal that you're trying to "puff up" something that doesn't have that much value.

Terms that were associated with stronger sales prices were more specific. They pointed out specifics of the home - that countertops were "granite", or that "maple" cabinets were present. They described the "state-of-the art" features, or what specific "new" items were present.

So, in the end, the homes that sold for the best prices were ones that hooked people's interest with a few specific features that made people want to take a closer look.

Which, in the end, doesn't surprise me. Because I see the same thing in online profiles.

Ones that say, "I'm wonderful, fantastic, intelligent, witty, and rich", aren't terribly effective. Because anyone can say that they're any of these things.

The ones that imply these traits with specific stories are much more successful.

17 million members? By what definition?

I did a little more thinking since yesterday's postscript...

As I've mentioned, eHarmony claims to have 17 million members.

Trouble is, they don't define what a "member" is. Most people (including eHarmony Blog and myself) assume that, when someone is a member of a paid service, they are active in the system, and paying membership fees.

And, more importantly to us, we assume that we can (potentially) meet any of these members.

Yesterday, after running some calculations, I expressed some skepticism about whether or not eHarmony was defining "member" the way that we assumed. And, at that time, I resigned myself to not knowing.

Well, there was a way to find out. Our old friend, Quantcast.com.

Sure enough, Quantcast estimates that eHarmony has 3 million unique visitors per month.

Leaving a minimum of 14 million "members" who don't even bother to log on once a month.

Taking that even further... Quantcast also estimates that only 50% of it's visitors visit the site more than once a month.

So, yes, that "17 million members" seems awfully inflated, if you're assuming that eHarmony is talking about active members.

So... why do I care so much about eHarmony's marketing claims?

Actually, I don't particularly care what eHarmony does to promote it's business... until it starts sending it's members messages that are harmful and counterproductive.

Yes, eHarmony, members get upset when they don't get matches. Especially when you imply that people who don't go through your matching protocol won't be "right" or have happy marriages.

Again, take my worksheet. Run the numbers. (I'll be revising my worksheet soon.) See if you're in a position to actually meet people on eHarmony.

And if you're already a member, and you're not getting matches... don't take it personally. eHarmony has never been honest in telling you how many people they had for you to meet.

How many dates should I expect?

One common worry that people have when they sign onto eHarmony is whether the service will provide them with enough matches.

In some cases, that fear is justified. If you're trying to find a bride who shares your Hindi beliefs, you live in a small town in Wyoming, and you can't travel further than 10 miles away... it's unlikely that eHarmony is going to find matches for you.

So, what can you expect from eHarmony if you're not in such a ridiculous situation?

That's hard to say. Because eHarmony keeps it's demographics secret.

Recently, eHarmony Blog attempted to answer this question, by calculating the number of members (or new members per day) that are likely to be in your area.

It seemed like a good start. But, unfortunately, not all of those members are matchable to you. Some are not going to be of the opposite sex. And, if you're like me, you're only interested in certain subsets of the population.

So, how can you figure out how many dates you're likely to get if you subscribe to eHarmony?

I've developed a worksheet to help guide your thought process. You can download the worksheet here.

It's still not going to provide accurate numbers - the model that we've used here is very crude, and is likely to be based on some inaccurate data. In my hands, it overestimated the number of Jewish women that would be matched to me in my state.

But, since no one (are you listening, eHarmony?) has provided a better tool - it's the best that can be done right now.

Enjoy!

Postscript: I just reran the worksheet to figure out how many new dates I should get from an area (using my criteria) per day. This figure was much more accurate.

It could be luck. (And this is not a small possibility.) Or it could rely on eHarmony's definition of a "member". Are members who once signed onto the site, but canceled still considered "members", despite the fact that no current member can have a match with them?

We don't know. And eHarmony is, unfortunately, unlikely to tell us.

My experience with the "importance" slider.

Oh, yes. Flexible matching. One of eHarmony's most recent inventions. Where they temporarily ignore the preferences you've expressed about smoking, drinking, religion, age, or location.

Thankfully, they haven't gone to "flexible matching" on gender. Yet.

Sure, you can always close anyone for any reason that you see fit. But it's still a pain to weed out the matches that you've already said that you don't want.

You do have one weapon against the "flexible match". The preference slider. Where you have a chance to point out how "important" these are, from a scale of "very important" to "not important".

And, yes, I've had to use it. Here's my experience.

Geography
My net was cast pretty wide - I've accepted matches from my state, and every state surrounding me. (I don't necessarily accept matches from all of these locations, but it's the best filter for my purposes.) Unfortunately, "flexible matches" from outside this radius were the most difficult to get rid of.

In my experience, my box was flooded with matches far, far away until I moved my "importance slider" to the next-to highest setting. And when I did that, I received no more at all.

Strange. But that's my experience, anyway.

Age
I'm in my late 30s, and set my age preference for to my age or below. (I'm not ready to cut off the possibility of having children, and want to spend a decent amount of time getting to know a woman before making the leap.) And, yes, the "flexible matches" have almost all been older than my preference. (Not all of them, though.)

For me, the "midway point" has worked pretty well. About 1 in 10 will be above my stated age preference, and then by a maximum of 5 years. (Not counting the ones who lie about their age.) And, for me, this has been a decent screening point.

But if you get more matches than me, even this much manual screening might be a pain. In that case, go higher.

As for the rest - I don't have much experience. I've never wanted to eliminate social drinkers or smokers. They're set at lowest "not important", figuring I'd manually prune the heavy drinkers or ones that smoke at places other than parties (even that last one's annoying, but not deal-killing alone). For me, religion matching has been a primary reason for using eHarmony, so it's always been set at the highest level. And the other stuff, alone, isn't a deal-breaker. (My income is fine, and I'm fine with meeting intelligent and fun women even if they've been educated in the school of hard knocks.)

Got different experiences? Let's share here, or in the google group.

I'm on vacation...

I'll be on vacation next week. And I'll be taking a break from writing articles.

I'll be back, rested, and ready on December 24th.

NOW how much would you pay?!

It's the holidays again... a time of year when we see all those crappy products on T.V. that make "a great gift". And, I hate to date myself, but I call a lot of them "Ronco" products, because, a long time ago, they were the biggest promoters of these novelty items.

Now, I'm sure that these items make money, or their companies would go out of business. But, you have to admit, some of these gadgets are things that you'd never buy for yourself.

I mean... how many times have you REALLY thought that you needed your egg scrambled inside it's shell? Or felt like using a manual pair of scissors was hard work? Or felt like you needed a special gadget to melt chocolate or do push-ups?

Me either.

But they keep on trying. Endlessly.

One of the "tricks" that they use to sell this crap?

Adding special bonuses. The incessant calls of, "Buy now, and we'll include"... something else.

By now, you're probably going, "Okay, Scott. I know what you're talking about. But what does this have to do with eHarmony?"

Well, a lot of people use the "Ronco call" in their profiles.

You'll notice that most of the eHarmony profile questions ask you to name one thing. For example, what you're most passionate about. Or what trait people notice about you right away.

And so many profiles take the Ronco approach. They give a lukewarm, uninteresting answer that displays no passion or emotion.

And, to help the bad product sell, they add, "But I also"... and throw down a long laundry list of other things that they think women might like.

Women notice when you're trying to sell yourself "Ronco Style". And they realize that, most of the time, people who use this style of advertising are selling a silly, valueless product.

You're better than that.

So... Don't give laundry lists of "special bonuses if you buy now". Just answer the questions in a strong, affirmative, genuine, interesting, and brief way.

It works a lot better than the Ronco approach.

And if you don't believe me, try it free for 90 days.

Sharing your nerdy self...

Finally, one questions that nerds often have...

When should I start telling her about my geeky interests?

My answer? Don't worry. You can't hide your geeky side. And she's going to figure it out.

But, don't worry. She'll have fun figuring it out. And, odds are, she'll be fine with it.

Again, in the beginning, when you're trying to develop a sense of attraction, stick to communicating as the the intelligent, interesting, and fun adult that you've become.

Unless you're pretty sure that she shares an interest in one of your geeky topics, you don't have to bring it up. You're an adult, with many interests. Why do you want to begin a date with a conversation topic that she isn't going to relate to?

If she asks you about your interest in geeky things (and she often will), go ahead and tell her. And if she picks up a few signals (for example, spotting the XBox and game collection in your living room), acknowledge it. There's no need to be defensive. And she'll usually bring it up because it's interesting to her.

And, finally, once you're in a place where the attraction is solid (i.e. when you've made out, or know you easily could have), go ahead and start sharing your story, and how you've overcome your social problems in your past.

Just make sure that she shares too.

When nerds write profiles...

When nerds are having difficulty attracting women's attention on eHarmony it can be alarming.

It can bring a nerd back to the bad old days. They days when they were socially awkward. And socially shunned.

And, suddenly, when they go to edit their profile, they think of themselves as the unlikable child that they were in middle school.

Which, in a way, is a strange thing.

Most nerds thrive in their adulthood. They have interesting accomplishments and achievements. They do things in their spare time that can capture people's interest and imagination. And these are great things to incorporate in your profile - whether it's the pride you have in your latest invention (and how it's going to help other people), your travels to places that other people wouldn't think of visiting, or a new exotic dish or type of music that just caught your attention.

But, when a nerd starts to feel like that awkward child, they often stop talking about the interesting, accomplished adult that they've become, and start talking about the awkward child, instead.

Unfortunately, the awkward child makes for a bad profile. It says that you're emotionally stuck in the past, and implies that you're having difficulties living your life now as an adult.

So, drop the baggage from your profile.

Don't talk about your social anxieties and fears. Everyone has them. Nerds, and non-nerds alike. To become a successful adult, you've had to face those fears in the past. And you'll continue to do so. Take pride in that. But don't put it in the profile.

Also, back in high school, there were a lot of things that nerds would do in order to identify fellow-nerds who might make decent friends. While the cool kids were talking about rock bands, clothes, and who-dated-who, nerds tend to share knowledge that identified them as members of the "nerd tribe". Things like comic books, role-playing games, computers, science fiction, and so forth.

Now, if you ran into a female profile that focused on their obsession with an '80s band, the fact that they were their school's homecoming queen 20 years ago, and the "cool" fashion labels that they wore... you'd probably wonder about their maturity.

And women are going to ask the same questions about you, if you dwell on your "geeky" interests. They'll worry that they'll get stuck on a date with an awkward teenager, rather than an interesting, intelligent, and self-assured adult.

So, stop. And concentrate your profile on what you've become as an adult.

Not what you were in high school.

Believe me, they'll figure it out. We'll come to that tomorrow.

Nerd power!

A common theme in the seduction community, and among our readers, is something that I like to call "The Nerd Factor".

Let's face it. Being a nerd can be a difficult thing when you're growing up.

Nerds, by definition, are very bright. They see the world a little differently. And they value the idea of being "right".

In middle school and high school, though, nerds tend to be socially shunned. Because, to a teenager, people who are "different" and "difficult to understand" are socially shunned. (Or worse.)

When nerds grow up, though, things start to turn around. Because these same characteristics - intelligence, fastidiousness, and "out of the box thinking" often make nerds very successful.

Believe me, I know. I'm a nerd myself.

And, yes, with a little effort, nerds can also be very successful in dating as well.

First of all, don't be afraid to use your strengths.

Intelligence, success, and insightfulness are very good things. They're sexy to a lot of women - just ask any of my ex-girlfriends.

Sure, they're scary qualities for a few women - but do you really want to be with someone who doesn't value what you have to offer? Let 'em date the folks that are in their league.

And your childhood experiences? They're a part of what makes you a mature adult. You probably shouldn't talk about these things quickly, but, once some sense of attraction is there (i.e. at a point after which you could, or have, make out with her), the story of your difficult childhood, and how you've overcome it speaks very highly of your character. I (and many seduction artists) have often been surprised about how sharing these aspects of your development can deepen a woman's level of attraction.

The biggest problems nerds have? They emphasize the wrong stuff too quickly. And they try too hard to impress.

More detail tomorrow...

Elements of Confidence

For the next mental attribute, I'll cover that big "C" - Confidence.

A lot of seduction literature stresses the importance of confidence, but doesn't describe how you demonstrate confidence in your interactions. So... here's a summary.

Confidence to be selective
You aren't the typical guy, who's looking for just anyone. You are looking for the right person. And you aren't going to know whether someone is right for a good long time.

In the meantime, you're having fun. But if she's not what you're looking for... you know that it's time to move on. And you know that you deserve, and can get, what you want.

What do you want? That depends on you.

Confidence to be genuine
You're not out to impress her. You're just a guy who's being himself, and having a good time. Whatever that means to you.

If she has a good time with you? Great. She's passing your tests.

If she's not? Next.

Confidence to advance the relationship
You can read a woman's signals, and you're comfortable with advancing the relationship when things are ready.

Establishing touch is a sign of comfort, not a sign of conquest.

When a woman's being flirtatious, you're comfortable and confident in your abilities.

When the time is right, you can take the lead.

And if you make a mistake? You don't get upset. You can even laugh about it.

Not there yet? It comes with practice. Keep pluggin'.

Quality #3: Listen critically.

Hormonal thinking is a funny thing.

When we're with an attractive woman, and the hormones start kicking in, a lot of us see what we want to see, and hear what we want to hear.

Unfortunately, when we're like this, it's rarely attractive.

Women tell us important things when they talk to us.

Sometimes it's a matter of body language. Volumes have been written on "indicators of interest" and "indicators of disinterest". When she's showing interest, you need to advance, or things will start getting weird. If she's showing disinterest, listen for awhile - she'll either tell you why, or she feels that you're getting too warm before you've demonstrated that she's earned your attention.

Sometimes, she'll put her "stuff" out there quickly. For example, when a woman talks about her plans to leave the city in a month... you can bet that she's not looking for a long-term relationship. And will probably become very uncomfortable if you act like you're looking for one from her. (Probably with a reaction of, "Aww... that's sweet, but I can't see myself with you that way." And a quick dumping, before things get more uncomfortable for her.)

So, when she's talking... don't leap to agreement or awe. Listen. Critically. And demonstrate playful curiosity.

If she's interested in you, she wants to earn, and qualify for your attention.

Don't disappoint her. Unless you want to.

Mental attribute #2: Relationships aren't forced.

Next on our list of attributes that enhance both initial attraction and the ability to engage in a long-term relationship, is one that will, as a bonus, save you a lot of mental effort and energy.

And, before I describe it, let me give you an example.

I was at a Jewish fellowship event, and an attractive woman was sitting next to me. We easily engaged in conversation for awhile, and she was displaying a lot of signs of interest. (Gaze, hair flipping, qualifying herself, and so forth.)

Suddenly, conversation hit a lull.

We've all been there. That awkward moment, where people start to ask, "What should I say now?" And usually end up saying something stupid.

I did something different. I thought to myself, "Hmm... she's not keeping up conversation. That's unusual. She might be kinda boring."

And, I turned to other guys at the table, and engaged them in the conversation.

Yeah, she jumped. And quickly restarted the conversation, in a way that would draw me back in.

And that comes to my next point about a healthy mental frame.

Healthy men do not feel that they need to ride "success" on any particular woman.

If the levels of attraction, interest, and chemistry aren't there... that's fine.

If you come into a relationship roadblock that can't work out... that's fine too.

I'm not saying that good relationships will never have conflicts. But "force-fits" shouldn't be necessary.

And if you're not feeling it working... moving a woman off your list IS progress.

And, believe me, women find it refreshing when a man isn't bending over backwards to get a woman into their life.

And they like rising to the challenge.

(And, yes, the woman gave me her phone number. Too bad for her that my girlfriend moved faster...)

Be fun, not ingratiating.

So, what aspects of your personality do you want to cultivate, in order to be seen as both attractive, and a good long-term prospect for a relationship?

That's a tough question. I don't know if any one person can come up with the answer.

But, in my experience, I can tell you about a blend that seems to be working for me. And, although I still haven't found the person that I want to stay with... I find that most of my ex-girlfriends still want me back. And I usually have to beat them away pretty hard.

It's a high quality problem, I suppose...

For the first aspect? It's a way to avoid the "nice guy" trap of trying to attract a woman by being ingratiating, agreeable, and tactful.

When you do this, women may have a pleasant date. (Until they've been given too much, and feel pressure to reciprocate.) Unfortunately, they don't feel attracted to men who use these tactics as their lures.

I don't blame "nice guys" for trying this tactic. They're trying to make a woman feel good. But, when a guy works so hard to avoid any perceived offense, it fails. Miserably.

So, if being a "nice guy" fails to create attraction, what does?

And that comes to the first rule of initial attraction: Be fun to be with.

A woman doesn't want to be with a man for his ability to be ingratiating. She will want to be with you because you are unique and fun to be with.

What aspects of your personality make you "fun?"

That's a little different for everybody. And there's no genuine personality type that's fun for every woman.

Some people have a great wit and sense of humor. If not overused (to a point where it's masking other aspects of your personality, or looking like you're trying too hard to impress), it's a great tool.

Others have interesting stories. About travel. Or their life experiences. Or their hobbies.

Some can take women on interesting, unique experiences during their dates. Or show really insightful understanding of subjects that women take interest in.

Bottom line? Find what qualities you have that make women feel like they want to spend time with you.

And show her how you're different from the other men out there.

Because a man who really knows how to make a woman happier in his presence, in the end, is displaying the essence of attraction.

P.S. Yes, the pickup artists have a lot of routines that can provide some of the needed "spice". But you can't overrely on them, if you're looking for a long-term relationship. If you want to use a few of them that fit in with your overall personality, fine. But overall reliance on "tricks" can get you in trouble. Fast.

About those Man-Sluts and Bad Boys...

Okay, since I've covered the "nice guys" topic yesterday, it seems like I'd be remiss in not talking about "Bad boys". Even if it's it's becoming a seduction cliche, I imagine it still maddens a lot of our beginning readers.

It is a cliche. But it's a cliche because it is a universal rallying point for the nice guys of the world. It's the usual statement, "Why do women want to be with jerks?"

Well, yesterday's article explained why women don't like to be with "nice guys". It's because women don't see them as"nice". They see them as manipulative guys with hidden agendas.

Jerks and man-whores don't have hidden agendas. They let women know, quickly, what it is they want from a woman.

Now, this may come as a surprise to some of you (and as no surprise to others)... Most healthy women have a strong libido. And they like to get laid too. Maybe even more than men do.

And when a woman wants a no-nonsense shag... she ain't gonna pick the "nice guy" with the hidden agenda. Those guys make things much too complicated.

She'll pick the guy who makes it clear that getting laid doesn't mean anything other than having a good time. A guy who will make her feel good, even if it's solely as an object of sexual desire. And who won't make her feel ashamed or dirty for having a healthy sexual appetite.

And, in that way, they're much safer than the nice guys.

So, why shouldn't you be a man-slut or bad boy?

They have their advantages. If you want to get laid as often as possible, by as many women as possible... standard pick-up advice will get you there.

But these approaches will kill your ability to form a long-term relationship - which is what most of my readers want.

The universal pick-up statement on long-term relationships? "If I meet the woman that I can't live without, then I'll stop."

The problem? People tend to coast on mental inertia.

When you see each other as no-nonsense, minimal-attachment sex objects, it becomes very difficult to shift that mindset.

And in the world of the pick-up artists, I'm not hearing any field reports from men who have really found that one special woman.

So, being a "nice guy" doesn't work. And the "man-whore/bad boy" will find it very hard to shift gears into a committed relationship. So, what's a guy to do?

Relax. I'll really start talking about what's working for me tomorrow.

Sorry about the false start.

What IS a "nice guy" anyway?

Nice: 1. pleasing; agreeable; satisfactory. 2. thoughtful and considerate; pleasant; kind. 3. exact; precise; discriminating; able to distinguish small differences. 4. minute; fine; subtle. 5. delicately skillful; requiring great care, ability, or tact. 6. exacting; hard to please; very particular. 7. proper; suitable. 8. demanding a high standard of conduct; scrupulous.

The World Book Encyclopedia Dictionary, 1963 ed.

A lot of people are taking my advice on the online portion of eHarmony. They're doing well, and they're getting dates.

But they're having trouble moving past the first few dates.

The usual line? "You're a nice guy, but...."

Yeah, I've been there. A lot. Until I understood what "nice" really meant.

When "nice guys" hear the word "nice", they think about the positive connotations of the word. And they ask themselves, "Do women really want a guy who is unkind to other people?"

No. Most women appreciate a man who is able to show kindness.

But, when women talk about "nice guys", they're talking about the other traits.

Nice guys are pleasing. They go overboard to make someone else happy, and sacrifice their desires.

Nice guys are agreeable. They'll almost always go along with what the woman says. And they'll avoid conflict or argument.

They keep up pleasant appearances - and never let a woman know their displeasure.

They are tactful. They display a masterful dance of withdrawing and restating things to avoid any perceived offense.

In short? They don't let a woman know what they're really like. It's really creepy to think about being in a relationship with someone you don't know. And some of the other aspects of the definition of "nice" are not good. Such as being socially manipulative and indirect. Or holding inflexible standards for "acceptable" behavior.

So, no. Being a "nice guy", in this sense, is not a compliment.

We'll talk about an alternative tomorrow.

And, no, it's not "Be an asshole, instead".

From the Labs: "Hold" may not be so bad...

As I've mentioned, there has been a significant shift in how people use eHarmony.

In part, I think that this is due to eHarmony's subtle changes in their marketing strategy. They're making matches a little more casual, and placing less emphasis on marriage. And, as I've mentioned before, hostile questioning (and it's effectiveness) have diminished.

And, recently, I've discovered what may be another effect of this more relaxed atmosphere.

In the past, when I placed a match on hold, they would almost always respond by closing the match.

But, since going exclusive with one of my matches, I stopped asking for new matches, and placed everyone on my list "On hold", saying that I was pursuing another match, but might be interested in talking more in the future.

A couple weeks passed, and I wanted to show a friend the pictures of this woman...

And, amazingly enough, not a single one of the women that I placed on hold went on to close the match.

Don't know how useful this information is... but it is new.

Let me know about your experience.

She's not advancing? It may not be about you...

On eHarmony, no one bats 1.000. It's not a realistic goal.

Think about it for a minute.

First of all, there are the "dead profiles". Women who were curious enough to complete the relationship questionnaire, and take a look at a few matches, but weren't curious enough to spend money on the service.

I can understand that. And a woman who isn't motivated enough to pay for membership is a woman I'm happy enough not to meet.

But let's go further than that.

Some go a little further, but are still not really interested in meeting someone online. Gift certificates from meddling parents and friends are common. Free Communication weekends will bring in some Looky-Lous. And, yes, many of these people are using the service in order to tell someone they "tried it" - not because they're really interested.

So... be thankful that these people don't waste your time.

After we've gone through those people... There will be folks who won't like your profile. You may not be their type, physically. Or they don't like the things that you're passionate about.

You'll do it too. Sometimes, people realize very quickly that they just aren't interested. Do you really want to chase someone who's so sure that they can't get into you? I don't think so.

And, when you go through communications, you may also hit a deal-killer. Or just run into someone who's so sensitive that they can't go through the process without melting down. Or just get so overwhelmed with something outside of their dating life that they're unable to continue.

And, again, when they stop their eHarmony communications... they're doing you a favor.

Finally, women do have a lot of options. Another guy might have met her sooner. Or she may have met someone offline. So... she may cut off communication because she found someone else.

And that's fine. You'll do it to a few women too.

In short - you just can't get too upset when a woman stops communicating.

There's usually a reason. And it's a reason to stop sinking further efforts into something that's, at best, futile. And at worst? You're drawing closer to someone with serious flaws.

Say good-bye gracefully. And put your efforts into meeting women that are interesting and interested.

Spotting a liar - Lessons from Bill Clinton

Again, this is not a blog for political discussion... but, sometimes, events that happen in politics can provide a good base for writing.

And, this one is quite dated. But still very illustrative.

Remember Bill Clinton's dramatic and emphatic statement to the press, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman?"

Well, no matter where you sit on the political spectrum, he was clearly lying.

And, in that short statement, he illustrated many of the things that liars do when they make statements. And these are lessons you can take home when you read a woman's profile.

Again, you can carry this advice too far. Some people might make these mistakes and be telling the truth. Some are just trying a little too hard to impress.

But, keep these in the back of your mind as "red flags". Something to look out for later.

Sentence length
First of all, take a look at that sentence.

It's much longer than it needs to be.

In fact, if the question was asked by the press, he could have just said "No." One word.

"It didn't happen." Three words.

If he needed to get formal, he could stretch it out to, "I've never had sex with her." Six words.

He took nine words.

People use more words when they feel they need to be more emphatic or convincing.

For example, when they're lying.

Overformal language

When people are trying to be "too convincing", they also tend to use formal language.

Much more formal than what people say in everyday life.

Bill Clinton? He used, "I did not". In most circumstances, I'd say, "I didn't".

And when was the last time you talked to friend about the girl you "had sexual relations with?"

(I'll let you come up with the phrase that you'd actually use.)

Again, overformal language means that a person is trying hard to convince you.

And when they're working that hard... they're usually insecure about what they're saying.

Overemphasis

Of course, most of you probably remember Clinton's measured, forceful statement, complete with stiff fist-pounding when he said his famous statement.

Obviously, people can't talk forcefully, point, stare, or stiffen when they write something in their profile.

But they put in words that seem unnecessary.

Words like, "really", "truly", and "honestly". And other words that are meant to reassure you of their honesty.

When you say a true statement, how often do you emphasize how true it is?

Not much, I'd bet.

If they feel that need to convince you... odds are pretty good that they're stretching the truth.

Do women WANT to meet men on eHarmony?

It's the classic swan-call of the frustrated eHarmony user.

You've put up a profile. You've asked for communications.

Maybe a few start communication, but they never seem to agree to the phone or meeting.

At this point, men start asking themselves, "Do women really spend $60 a month, put time and effort into answering a long personality profile, put up photos, and go through a long process of guided communication just to be online chat buddies?"

I imagine some women do. Some may just want the ego satisfaction of having guys chasing them.

In my experience? They're a small minority.

And, when you ask yourself that question... you're not seeing things from their perspective.

What is their perspective?

Most of the time, it's, "Why is this guy so all-fired hot for me, when we don't really know anything about each other yet? Is he really like what he says he is on the profile, or is he just saying anything in the hopes of meeting someone? And if he's chasing me, am I sure it's safe to give my phone number? And if I meet him, and he's as clingy as he seems... am I just headed into an awkward situation?"

The eHarmony Cracked system is designed to reduce these barriers.

Why are you on eHarmony? You want to meet different people. You don't know her yet. In fact, you're a little suspicious.

In your communications, you're not trying to impress her. You're just seeing if there might be a "vibe". And, if not, no big deal... you've got options.

And you're a busy guy, so the phone is a natural extension. Unless she's not interested... in which case, no big deal.

In short, you're not trying to impress. You're just being friendly, and looking to meet some new people. If the chemistry's there... great. If not, the process of meeting people is fun. Even with the women who fall apart during guided communication.

It's an attitude that's comforting. And different than the one that most men on eHarmony carry.

And when you display that attitude... women will feel comfortable about meeting you.

Pulling back - A useful tool.

Many times, on this blog, I've mentioned how "trying too hard" when a woman is pushing away usually leads to bad results.

Some of you may be asking, "What happens when you do the opposite? What happens if you push away, instead of trying to pull her toward you?"

It can work well.

For example, in one of my last trips to a major city (with a decent Jewish population), I had mentioned to an eHarmony match that I was coming, and talked about meeting. She replied that she'll "see".

"Pushing" would be continuing to write her, turn on the charm, tell her about how much fun you're going to have, various logical persuasions... allineffective strategies.

I did something different. I told her that it seems "kinda silly" to set aside time to meet her, if she wasn't sure. I mentioned the time that I had available, and told her to email me when (and if) she can make it. And once she does that, I'll let her know if I'm still open.

She committed to a time within an hour. I guess she didn't like the idea of my time (potentially) going to someone else.

There are risks to this strategy, however.

First of all, if she's not interested in you at all, this won't work. But neither does anything else. But, at least you're not wasting any more of your time or energy.

Next, if you use this "spice" too much, it's easy to send her into a "sour grapes" zone.

Finally, if she's that problematic, you're running the risk of securing a date with a screwed-up woman. (And I'll have to admit, she didn't impress me at all during the date.)

But it's a useful tool, nonetheless.

Holiday shopping dilemma?

Getting a little too good at this?

And now, you have tons of women, always wanting more?

Here's a great present, so you can give yourself and them a little more peace for the holidays.

Always happy to be of help....

P.S. Kidding aside, I've known people who've mentioned this gift in their pre-date banter. And it's worked well, according to them.

P.S.S. Yeah, I'm slacking off today. Better article on Monday. Promise.

P.S.S.S. Yes, ladies. This is available too.

About the "spices"...

It seems, lately, I've been including comments about "spices", but haven't really explained the concept.

In some ways, I like the cooking metaphor a lot.

If you want to cook a dish, you need a good, solid base.

In the dating arena, the base is your personality. At it's best. Displaying confidence, intrigue, and a sense of fun and playfulness.

And without a solid base... you won't do well.

Now, "spices" are things that, done correctly, can enhance the main dish. They can bring out flavors. They can make the dish a little more interesting and fun.

But, spices have their limits.

First of all, you can't make a dish out of spices alone. If the base isn't there, the spice may create a brief distraction, but no sense of nourishment.

Next, the spices need to compliment the main dish. Garlic is a great spice - but it doesn't go well with ice cream. And if you use a "trick" that's incongruous with your personality... your date may walk away confused. Possibly with a bad case indigestion.

Finally, you can't go crazy with spices. You use a little bit. Once in awhile. Just to give things a little nudge in the right direction. When you use too much, it becomes overpowering. In the dating field, you look like a "trick monkey" - a guy who's trying to hide his personality behind a bunch of "cute" tricks.

But, done right, spices can be a good thing. But don't overuse them. And don't neglect the base.

... And may your meal be perfectly spiced this Thanksgiving.

eHarmony? Don't hate the PUAs...

Yesterday, I wrote about how many pick-up artists make snap judgements against eHarmony.

But, I'm not done yet. I need to even the balance.

Turns out, eHarmony, itself, is making snap judgements about the pick-up community.

I'm all for educated, well-reasoned criticism and debate. However, when eHarmony wrote this article, I truly believe that they didn't do a very good job in familiarizing themselves with the pick-up artist community. (And, sometimes, I wonder if the authors of this article felt that they needed to learn anything about the community that was not on VH1's "The Pickup Artist".)

And, in fact, in their criticism, they portray the community as something very different from what it is.

Let's cut to their criticisms, shall we?

eHarmony Myth: "The pick-up artists . . . encourage guys to adopt a real-world character [referred to in the article as an "Avatar"] that's smooth, honed and based on a lot of made-up stories told to impress the ladies."


Fact: eHarmony's interpretation of the "Avatar" concept is a gross misrepresentation.

It's based on a sound principle that I've stated many times in my blog.

When you meet someone for the first time, they usually decide very quickly whether or not they're attracted to you. It's simply not enough time to give your full life's story.

So, what can you do?

You can give them a taste of what's intriguing. And you do this with your appearance and your stories.

Yes, pick-up artists do exchange grooming ideas. And they exchange fun stories, conversation topics and games that can be shared with someone. (In fact, eHarmony does the same things in their advice columns. But their "spices" are usually pretty lame, in my humble opinion...)

But they also pay attention to the concepts of "calibration" and "congruence". They actively recognize that these "tricks" need to fit within your personality, or they don't work. Period.

And, yes, "The Pickup Artist" gave one good example of this.

During the wardrobe building exercise, a 40+ year old man tried to dress as a 20 year old hip-hop guy.

And, yes, they quickly told him that that would not work. And suggested a more sophisticated, mature, and, yes, attractive and congruent appearance. Which validated his true age and life experience.

Let's move on.

eHarmony Myth: "At what point will it get tiresome to impress someone with lies, when you're just dying to talk about Monty Python or J.R.R. Tolkien? Playing a role when meeting women is a real roadblock to true relationship success."

Fact: Again, I think there's some confusion here. The first one deals with the "Fake Avatar" myth that we've already dealt with. But, do pickup artists display more than their avatars?

Of course, they do.

Once the attraction is firmly established, pick-up artists enter a new phase that was not discussed in the VH1 series. It's called "Comfort Building".

This is the phase where you start to reveal more about yourself. And ask for her to do so as well.

And, yes, you have to be real.

It's an important phase. Pick-up artists recognize it. But you don't do it until she's showing interest, and ready to reciprocate.

Common sense, really.

eHarmony Myth: "In their books, lectures and TV appearances, the pick-up artists almost exclusively equate 'dating field' with 'night club.' But look around at the happy couples in your own life-many of them probably met while in a college organization together, or through friends at a birthday party, or online at eHarmony!

Fact: Hmm... they must have missed the volumes that have been written on "day game".

Yes, the Pickup Artist community started in the bars. And continues to train in them.

It's a target of convenience. To get good at a skill, you need a lot of practice.

In a bar, you can approach 100 women a week, and it won't get weird. You just can't approach that many women at birthday parties or other social events.

No pickup artist says, "You must go to bars and bars ONLY."

They just see it as a good place to meet a lot of women, and develop one's skill.

eHarmony Myth: "Most pick-up artists lay out a quasi-anthropological theory about attraction, that our dating impulses stem from 40,000 year old factors, and that the 'desirable' woman is attractive, whereas the 'undesirable woman' is not lovable simple because she's not as attractive."

Fact: Okay, some pick-up artists are shallow. But, certainly, not all of them.

In fact, as most guys become socially adept, they recognize that this is a trap. That, as a desperate average chump, we place beautiful women on a pedestal, and assume they're smart, fun, and great to be with.

But, as they become skilled, and start to interact with women of beauty... they usually learn that this is not always true. And the old-fashioned pickup chestnut of, "Beauty is common... tell me, what makes you special?" becomes the pick-up artist's reality.

The "arts?" They're just a set of skills. They were never meant to help a guy decide who's right for them... they just make more women available.

So... why does eHarmony write articles that (wrongly) criticize the pick-up artist community? I don't know. In the end, they're just guys who are trying to open their options, and improve their social skills.

Why is that a threat?

P.S. As a courtesy, I did leave a comment on eHarmony's article, indicating the presence of my response. And, of course, they were (and still are) welcome to respond in my comment section.

Well, their article is still up. But my comment is not.

I guess only one of us is willing to engage in intelligent debate...

PUA's? Don't hate eHarmony...

As I've previously implied, eHarmony is mostly ignored by pick-up artists. That's not a bad thing.

I'm not an eHarmony evangelist. For me, it's been a decent way to meet new people. But, if you've got more efficient ways to get what you want, I don't see why eHarmony is necessary.

But some PUAs won't leave well enough alone. Here's the latest missive I've read. Actually, its from a guy I respect - he's taught me a lot about developing attraction online. But, in one of his most recent newsletters, he goes full-bore against eHarmony. Let's take a look.

This one may surprise you.

If you haven't seen this Time Magazine article yet,
you need to check it out:
http://www.time.com/time/specials/2007/article/0,28804,1638344_1638341,00.html
Here's why:

It talks about the 5 worst sites online and GUESS
WHAT?

One of them happens to be an online personals
website - which doesn't surprise me. In fact, they
call this site the "WORST DATING WEBSITE"!

Quite an honor, don't you think?

Here's a hint: It's very popular among "the masses",
they're on TV all the time and they ask you like 436
questions BEFORE you sign up.

Figure it out yet?

eHarmony.

Oh, yes, the "Time Magazine" argument. He'll repeat Time's arguments soon enough. But, one thing he seems to forget... He uses MySpace a lot. Which was also prominent on Time's "Worst Websites" list. And treated just as unkindly for it's spamminess.

But, spamminess isn't a waste of time to this PUA...

Let's say you have the patience to sit at your
computer for 4+ hours answering all 426 questions...
after working all day.

(unlikely, I know)

[...]

Every day I get another horror story about how
someone goes on that site, spends HOURS upon
hours of their time only to get lousy results.

[...]

Meeting women online is supposed to save you
time, not waste it.

Sorry. Every system has it's inefficiencies.

At standard personals sites? Yes, I can meet women quicker. But I'm only going on pictures (which are deceptive half the time), and what they say their personality is like. (Which, again, often doesn't reflect reality.) So... I'm spending a lot of my time and energy on crappy dates.

On eHarmony, I spend a little more time on the questionnaire. But, in general, I meet people that I relate to. And, even if the chemistry isn't there (which it often isn't, no matter what online service you use), they usually end up being decent friends. So, in the end, I find eHarmony to be a more efficient use of my time.

What happens when eHarmony delivers it's
"recommendations" to you which are from women
you either AREN'T interested in or attracted to?

That's actually the nicest way I've seen a PUA express that sentiment. I'll answer that question.

I close them. It only takes a couple of seconds. And I'll never see them again.

But on standard sites? The undesirables will always be on my list. And I'll still have to page through them to view the profiles of the women who do attract my interest.

Who's wasting more time now?

Let's move on...

Or better yet, what happens if it REJECTS you as
"unmatchable"?

(talk about a real bummer)

Honestly, I don't hear that from too many people. Most of eHarmony's rejections are from people who give inconsistent answers on their profile, admit to multiple personal problems, aren't yet divorced, or are seeking homosexual relationships.

So, yes, if you're unstable, you're running the risk of being rejected.

The good news? If you're a stable man, looking for a heterosexual relationship... you're not wasting your time on people who can't meet eHarmony's (rather minimal) standards.

Again, I'm giving the advantage to eHarmony.

And let's say you pony up the $60 a month to be a
member...

(Which btw is more than double the price of 99%
of other online personals sites monthly fees.)

Too bad you couldn't wait to join. Because if you did, they'd give you a 3 months for the price of one code. Making it one of the cheapest personals sites.

Hey, it's a slimy tactic. But they're a business, after all.

Finally, he comes down to the core of his beef against eHarmony...

Now, I'm going to freely admit that I spent
HUNDREDS of dollars of my own money on the
very same site the article is talking about.

And yes for the record, my results flat out sucked.

There we go.

I actually respect the writer. I've learned a lot about how to manage standard personals sites from him. And some of his "spices" (in the proper times and measures) can work well on eHarmony. But, adaptations need to be made. And, once you make them, I, and many of my readers have found the eHarmony system usable. It just requires a different set of skills.

And, judging from my readers... those skills seem to be teachable.

Wink, wink, (photo) nudge...

Before I give my advice on using eHarmony's (sort of) new Photo Nudge system, let me explain my rationale:

As I've mentioned before, I need to cast a pretty wide geographic net for my matches. So, I've got a good number of reasons why I won't meet a woman without seeing her picture. Among these?

• They're a sign that she's taking the process seriously. If a woman isn't going to take a picture, scan it, and post it... I can't see her getting involved with a guy when there's travel involved.
• It's a test of honesty. And a woman who claims that she's unable to post photos isn't being honest. These days, it's hard to buy a cell phone that DOESN'T have a camera. And if she doesn't have one, it's impossible to believe that she has no friends that do. (And if that IS the case... there's probably a reason she has no friends.) And photo scanners are available in in most drugstores, public libraries, and copy shops.
• It reassures me that the person on the other end isn't a scammer.
• And, yes, I really think it's better for everyone involved if I take one look at the photo, say, "No way!", and close her. It leaves us both more free time to pursue our lives (and other matches).

So, no. I don't meet women who refuse to provide photos.

So, how do I manage the "photo nudge"? Here's how:

• She's hiding her photo? So am I. Fair's fair.
• Multiple-choice questions and sending my (pre-existing) Must Have's/Can't Stands lists take almost no effort. I'll do that.
• In open-ended questioning, I'll reveal my photo, even if she hasn't.
• When she sends her open-ended questions, I'll reply with a photo nudge.
• I don't answer her questions until she has photos. And I close in a week if she's unresponsive.

Obviously, this only works in guided communication. Past posts indicate how I manage "no photos" in fast-track or open communication.

It's simple, it's fair, and it doesn't make you look like a jerk OR a pushover. So... I like it.

A "spice" for your pre-date banter

As I've said before, I'm not usually in favor of "scripted" behavior.

But there's a little thing that I've been inserting for fun into the pre-date banter. And it's working well.

You might want to try it.

If nothing else, it might entertain you.

---------------------------------

Find the three differences!

READ BEFORE CLICKING ON THE LINK: There are two identical pictures
that will appear on the screen. Almost 8000 people were tested to see
if they could find the 3 differences and only 19 got it. See how
observant you are and if you find all 3 differences, you are one of
the most elite people in the world! The instructions are in German
but they say "find the 3 differences". I only found 1 difference.

(Hint: I found it because I heard some VERY soft audio cues. Turn the
volume up and you'll hear them.)

http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf

When you SHOULDN'T be in the game

Life can be overwhelming sometimes.

People can have all kinds of problems. Job problems. Financial problems. Family problems. Deaths in the family.

And, yet... that eHarmony membership still looms overhead. Paid subscription time is ticking away. You fear that great women might pass you by.

Do yourself a favor. Don't even think about that stuff.

As more time goes by, I'm discovering that one of the keys to doing well in this "game" is to have fun. Because, when I'm not having fun, I don't do well.

And if life stresses bring me to a point where I'm unable to do that... I'm doing everyone a favor when I turn off the matching for awhile, and focus on fixing whatever it is that's stressing me out.

So I lose a little "paid subscription time". Big deal. It's not like I'm going to do well when I'm in a funk.

And a few women might find other guys. Big deal. There are plenty more women on eHarmony to meet.

So, if you're in a bad space, take a break. And return when you're ready to have fun again.

Why "dirty talk" will reduce your chances of meeting.

There's one aspect of "Pre-date banter" that I've neglected to mention. And it's a common error.

The fact is, women online get TONS of guys hitting on them. Willing to say, or do, anything that might help them get into their pants.

Unfortunately, when men do this... they look desperate. They look like they're just looking for anyone who might be willing to fill that urge. And, frankly, it's not an attractive attitude.

That's why it's always been a core eHarmony Cracked principle - you need to show that you're not on the prowl. You're not making sexual advances to people you haven't even met. Because a woman has to demonstrate that she's worthy of that attention.

And, when you make that clear, women are much more comfortable meeting with you. They don't fear that they'll have to beat you away. And the fact that they have to work for your attention is a core principle for developing your attraction.

So, obviously, displaying overt sexual interest is not helpful in predate banter.

But, what if she starts to get saucy?

Best case scenario? She's interested. But if you get a woman too hot, too quickly, it's a scary thing for a woman. She doesn't want to face an awkward situation if she doesn't like you in real life. And hot email banter usually leads to flakiness when it comes to meeting. It's too much pressure, especially considering the fact that you haven't even met yet.

Worst case scenario? There are a lot of women who try to build their self-esteem by having men "want" them online. But, again, meeting these men in real life is extremely scary. So... they flake.

So, even if a woman initiates the sexual innuendo, it's still best not to advance it.

In fact, the best thing to do? Shut her down in a cocky and funny way.

Something like, "Hey, speedy. I don't blame you for wanting me... but I'm still not sure I like you that way, yet. Why don't we meet first, and go from there?"

After all, women are attracted to the men they have to work for.

Not the ones who try to get sex from women that they don't even know.

When you're ready to shut down for awhile...

Okay, you've done well. You've met a great woman, and you're ready to make it an exclusive relationship.

How do you manage the people on your list?

I put them on hold, with the reason, "I'm persuing another relationship for now, but I may want to communicate more later."

Why?

Because the woman, at that point, has two options:

• She can leave you on hold. And you can reopen her if things don't work out.
• She can close you for putting her on hold. And you can send her a final message asking her to consider reopening you when (and if) things don't work out.

So, no matter what, you have a way to reach her in order to establish further communication (if she wants to, and she's able.)

I have to admit - your odds aren't good here. By the time you try reopening her, she'll probably have left eHarmony in disgust, or with another guy.

But your odds aren't zero. And I have reestablished communication with people in the past when I've done this.

About the coupon codes...

It looks like eHarmony has taken out a dragnet on "unauthorized" discount codes. Many of my internet sources have stopped publishing eHarmony's discounts "at the request of eHarmony". Or, worse, shutting down completely because of "terms of service" violations.

If you come across some discount codes, send me a copy. I'd like to share 'em.

Until then, I'll post 'em as soon as I learn about 'em. For as long as I feasibly can.

Rumor has it that, sometimes, when you call eHarmony to cancel your service, and say that you're canceling because it's too expensive, they may re-up you at the 3 months for the price of 1 rate. If you have a good retention agent on the other end of the line, that is.

The bad news? If you have a bad, tired, angry, or bummed-out retention agent, they may get lazy and cancel your service without making you an offer.

So... it's a risky play. But I've heard it can work. I haven't tried it myself.

Ambivalence = Openness to new ideas

In using the techniques that we described last week, you've made some progress. She's no longer in a position where she needs to rigidly defend her side of the conflict.

If she's at a point where she can talk about the disadvantages of her plan, she may be at a point where she's willing to talk about alternatives. In fact, if you're lucky, she may start coming up with new ideas on her own.

If she is? Join the brainstorming process with her. Introduce some ideas. But only introduce them as "thoughts".

If she's not bringing up new ideas yet? Maybe she needs a little help in getting the process started. Summarize for her. Something like, "On one hand, you like this idea because [....], but on the other hand [....]. I don't know. Maybe we can come up with something better. Do you have any other ideas?"

And, finally, when you've got a good pile of ideas, start talking about the more promising ones.

And, now that you've turned the conflict into a fair discussion of ideas... see if you can agree on something that makes both of you happy.

Influence Power Tool #2: Fishing for ambivalence

Continuing our series on resolving conflicts - we've discussed some ways in which you can get someone to openly discuss how their plans might be flawed. Which is a good thing. It makes them much more receptive to other ideas, such as yours.

But, sometimes, even with the techniques that I've discussed, people can sometimes be rigid.

They usually aren't, and you usually don't need to pick up these tools. They're meant to be last-ditch efforts for people who aren't expressing any ambivalence, despite the use of reflective techniques.

Here are some last-ditch tools that may help in getting someone to admit that their plan might have some flaws:

• Ask them, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how sure are you that..." It's rare that they'll pick 10. Ask them why not. Then start reflecting that ambivalence.
• Take an extreme version of their position. If you use this technique, it's very important for you to deliver the line in a deadpan, matter-of-fact manner, without any hint of sarcasm. For example, in my case where the woman was resisting going to a picnic lunch, I might have sad, "And the only reason a guy might have a picnic is to put them in a dangerous place." (I didn't, but this is an example.) They'll usually start arguing against the extreme. Again, reflect on the ambivalence that she's now expressing.
• Gently ask for ambivalence. "Do you see any problems with...?", "Does anything worry you about....?", "Any hassles you see in....?", "Any disadvantages in....", "What would be the bad things about....?". Go cautiously here - but, sometimes, it can work.

Hopefully, with the tools that I've provided in the last few articles, she's in a position where she's working with you to see disadvantages of whatever she was prepared to argue for.

What do you do now that she's unsure?

We'll talk about that on Monday.

Influence Power Tool #1: Reflecting their ambivalence

In our last two articles, we've uncovered two principles that motivational interviewers have discovered in helping someone agree to your side in a relationship conflict.

The principles I've put forth so far?

• Don't try to logically argue. It makes them take up their side even harder.
• Spend your energies on getting her to explain her side. Make sure you understand it, and that she knows you understand it.

And, I'm sure that a lot of you, at this point are going, "So, how does that get her to change her mind?"

The key is, she isn't feeling like she's defending her position. She's just explaining it, and helping you to understand.

And, when she isn't so defensive, she won't state her case as strongly. She won't act as certain.

And, most of the time, she'll start to express some uncertainty.

Once she starts to express her own uncertainty, you're in a place where you can better negotiate your differences.

So, once you have her in a place where she's expressing uncertainty, what can you do to help her consider other possibilities?

Here are a few tips:

• Continue doing what you're doing. Try to understand (and help her understand) her own uncertainty.
• If she's starting to bring up problems with her plan, gently ask for more. ("Any other problems you see with this?")
• If she's bringing up alternatives, express interest. And continue to help her understand what she's thinking in terms of these alternatives.
  
• A stock phrase that's useful? "So, on one hand, (reasons for her position)... but on the other hand (reasons she's not so sure about her position)"

But, what if you keep talking, and she still expresses absolutely no uncertainty?

And how do you start to introduce your ideas into the discussion?

We'll talk about those soon.

Don't argue - Seek understanding.

Clearly, explaining your position in a disagreement is a bad thing. Because it draws a line in the sand. And it can make a woman argue her side even harder and more forcefully.

So, what's the alternative?

Don't talk about "your side". Make her explain hers.

In studies of motivational interviewing, people who are successful in changing other people's actions and decisions don't spend much time explaining why they want a person to act differently.

Instead, they spend over 90% of their time doing something else.

They reflect upon what the other person is saying.

They repeat key phrases. They try to expand upon what the other person is trying to say. They don't criticize, nor do they completely agree. They just try to make sure they have a good picture of what the other person is saying, and they check to see if they're explaining the other person's thoughts, feelings, and beliefs accurately.

It's a great start to a discussion. You're not drawing battle lines. You're working together to understand the source of the conflict.

And, in the end, she will usually want to help you do that.

So, how can this lead to her changing her position?

We'll get to that next.

Here's a REALLY bad idea...

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The argument trap

In my last "mental game" article, I mentioned the importance of not needing a good outcome from anybody.

Because, in the end, there are no magic tricks. In the end, you choose who you decide to pursue. And women will choose who they pursue. And nothing will prevent a woman from, ultimately, deciding that you're not right for her.

But, there are some things that will help facilitate her choices.

As I've mentioned, I'm a bit of a psychology geek. And one "up-and-coming" area of research is that of "motivational interviewing" - a method of helping people to make decisions that they need to make to improve their lives. Certainly, it's a great area of research. There are a lot of people who need someone to facilitate making positive changes in their lives - including addictions, and improving their health.

And, yes, there are parallels in the dating realm.

But, before I talk about what does work, let's talk about the things these researchers say about what doesn't.

Because it's very easy to do these things. The most common error? It's something that I call, "The Argument trap".

It's where someone states their objection. You counter by taking the other side of that objection.

As a result, she has to argue her side further. And, as a result, you need to entrench yourself further in your side.

And in the end - you're both entrenched in your sides. A compromise becomes nigh-impossible, as is any progression in a relationship.

Sometimes, when there are real issues, this is the best outcome. But, a lot of times, the disagreement could have been much better handled.

Let's take a recent situation out of my dating life - and how it might have been argued out if the wrong steps were taken. We had planned a first meet-up in a popular forest preserve for fall foliage, and, in the beginning, she seemed really excited about it. Really excited. As in, "Oh boy. I'm a real sucker for things like this."

But, a few days before the event, she sends an email - saying that she feels uncomfortable meeting someone from the internet at in the forest - and suggests a restaurant at a small town nearby.

Here's what could have happened, but fortunately, didn't.

Me: I dunno. I've never been to that restaurant. And it's in a town where there's nothing to do after lunch. Besides, you've got no reason to feel unsafe - the park is going to be crowded. So it'll still be safe. I still think the forest would be better.

Her: Well, it sounds nice... but it's just not a good place for a first date. I just don't feel comfortable meeting you there yet.

Me: Well, why don't you feel comfortable? It's not like we're in the back country. It's a popular tourist destination. There will be a lot of people there. I don't see why it's any less safe than a restaurant, and it'll be a lot more fun than meeting in a dull place in a dull town.

Her: I can't have fun if I don't feel safe. And I don't feel safe meeting someone in a forest. So, do you want to meet at the restaurant, or forget about the whole thing?

And, at this point, I'm now stuck between two bad choices. I can meet with her at a place of her choosing (a sure-fire attraction-killer), or forgetting the whole thing.

As I've said, arguments rarely work. And they usually force people into their trenches.

So, what are some alternatives?

We continue tomorrow...

From the Labs: "So, do you do this on all your dates?"

As I've mentioned before, when you're at a point where transitioning to the "make out session" on the first eHarmony date is common... Women will start shit-testing you.

The predictable question I get? "So, do you do this on all your eHarmony dates?"

My typical answer? Usually something along the lines of "Only when the chemistry's there." That usually worked fine.

This weekend, I tried something different. And it worked even better.

And, I'm surprised I didn't think of it before. It's an elegantly simple solution...

Ask her the question first.

Try it out. Let me know how it works for you.

From the labs: The slow months of eHarmony

Here's some wisdom that I've gleaned from our Google Group...

Turns out that many members have noticed seasonal changes in their eHarmony activity. Many members agree that certain months seem to be unusually slow.

Those months?

Well, one is coming up soon. People get busy during the holidays. And, when you have a brand-spanking-new boyfriend or girlfriend, negotiating holiday commitments can be a very tricky thing. Not to mention the whole "what should I give for a gift NOW?" thing. So... Mid-november through early January are reported to be "slow months" on eHarmony.

Good news? January is reported to be one of the busiest months.

According to consensus, however, traffic quickly drops off in April, through the summer. I guess people are busy having fun (and meeting people) outside in the sunshine.

Your mileage may vary, of course. I don't know if there's going to be a summer "lull" in Florida. And, for religious reasons, the winter holidays are less significant for the people that I meet.

But, it's still something to consider before you renew that subscription.

Why "failure" MUST be an option

One common error that I see in people learning seduction techniques, is the search for "gimmicks" to turn a bad situation around.

Message boards are filled with questions - What can I do to get this person's attention back? How do I recover from the date she flaked out on? We "vibed" well, so what do I need to do to get over her resistance in giving up her phone number?

Unfortunately, anyone who asks these questions has already made a critical strategic mistake.

The problem? When you can't accept "no" for an answer, you're scaring her.

And when you work hard to chase someone... you simply can't get her to invest in meeting you. Because you're making all the effort.

So, if you're in a bad situation... give her an opportunity to pick up the chase, and move on.

She's not giving her number? Respond a week later, saying you can't keep up with email, and give yours. Ball's in her court. She can chase... or not.

She's not answering the phone? Text her, "Phone tag, you're it." It's her move.

And if she doesn't make a move? She's not that interested.

You need to be using your energies to manage the women who are interested in you. Not the ones who aren't.

And if not enough women are interested... that's a sign that you need to work on building that initial intrigue.

And not on building interest in the ones who are already disinterested.

Quirky Girl Says:
It can be extremely difficult to give up on a person you feel you bonded with, especially if you've invested a fair amount of time in her. However, Scott is right. Cut your losses and move on. It's hard to give up on a person when you feel there's a spark there, but there has to be mutual interest and commitment for the relationship to ever be successful. And you're not only scaring her with your persistence; you're making yourself look bad. I'm not saying to give up at the drop of a hat; in fact, Scott's suggestions are spot-on. If she's interested, she'll respond. If she doesn't respond, that should speak volumes.

A couple can only be as happy as the least happy person in the relationship. (I admit that I got this from a sitcom, but I absolutely believe it.) A one-sided relationship never works out. In the end, you feel emotionally drained and resentful because you give and give and give, and she takes without returning your feelings. I've been there. I've made this mistake. It can only make you miserable because you pour more of yourself into the "relationship" and end up in the same place--alone--but now you've wasted more time and energy, detracting from your efforts to find someone who can return your feelings. Do yourself a favor--accept "no" and find someone more interested and more deserving of your affections.

Your special Halloween weblink...

I've talked about this subject before... but this article illustrates my points well.

Happy Halloween, guys!

P.S. More here.

Evolutionarily superior males? Please.

My readers often come to this site looking for eHarmony advice. And after reading what this site has to offer, they become curious about the "seduction community" that I refer to in my postings.

As always, I encourage readers to explore, and discover for themselves what is useful for them.

Not all schools of seduction agree. Many espouse very narrow-minded ideas of what works, and what doesn't.

Some of their points are very valid. They point the things that other people have tried. They report what, in their experience, works - and what doesn't.

But, some get a little too big for their britches.

Not only do they close their minds as to what effective technique is (or isn't), but they construct biological explanations for their beliefs. They talk about how they're taking advantage of mental mechanisms honed from millions of years of evolution, and boiling it down into simple technique.

Powerful stuff. Who can argue with millions of years of evolution?

The trouble is... I don't know of any leaders in the seduction community who are experts in evolutionary biology. And it's easy to say that an observation is the result of a process of millions of years of evolution. You might even be able to come up with a plausible story as to how it evolved.

But actually proving that an observation is a result of an evolutionary process? That's extremely rare. And, in my humble opinion, no one in the seduction community has succeeded in doing more than putting together a cogent "just so" story.

Anyway, if you want to read a real scientific article on the same errors that the "seduction artists" make in their espousal of supposed evolutionary theory, give this a read. It's a classic article.

And it cuts straight to the core of this evolutionary pseudo-science.

Don't get me wrong. The leaders of the seduction community make great observations. You'd be foolish to ignore them.

Just ignore the "biological superiority" crap.

Profile Clinic: It's time to grow a spine!

And, once again, it's time to return to the profile clinic.

Today's profile was submitted by "Stats". When he casually talks on our Google Group, he genuinely sounds like an interesting guy. He's a ministerial student. He's done missions in Sierra Leone. He's well-read, intelligent, and has an interesting, offbeat sense of humor. All intriguing and desirable traits.

Yet, when it comes to his profile... He's not doing well. Most women are closing him, saying that they're pursuing other matches.

An interesting guy... with a bad profile. Sounds like we've got our work cut out for us, yes?

Let's get started. How does his profile start?

1. What are you most passionate about?
I can still get pretty excited about Christmas time. It's a really meaningful time for me, and I like to put a lot of effort into that season. I'll never do anything as gaudy as Clark Griswold, but I understand the feeling. This can be a stressful time of the year, but I think it's worthwhile.

Hmm... I'm already beginning to see some problems coalesce.

Here's a guy who's devoted his life to joining the ministry. Who's spent time in missions work. Who's read philosophical tomes on ethics that I'd probably have to study for months before I could begin to understand them. Clearly, a passionate, driven guy.

But, when it comes to his profile? What is he most passionate about?

He likes Christmas. I don't even really see passion here.

It's too vague. He's playing it safe. And he's looking just like everybody else.

Furthermore, after being vague, he's busy defending himself. Saying he doesn't get too gaudy. Acknowledging that it's stressful for some people.

And sucking out whatever passion that there was in the statement.

This is supposed to be a statement about your passion. The best thing he can do? Tell us, and quit apologizing.

Let's move on.

2. Thankful for:
The Jack Benny Program (nobody can pause like Jack Benny)
That just about anyone can keep me humble if I'm paying attention
Those absurdly long & repetitive speeches my nephew's Karate teacher delivers. Deep down, I'm thankful for those.

The first one? Fantastic. I'd keep it. His personality really comes through on that one. The third one's okay too.

The second one? It's compounding some problems.

The trouble is, he's not giving us a clear, strong view of who he is, and what makes him different from the other profiles. When he adds this... he's adding to the wuss factor.

Don't get me wrong. Compromise is essential in a relationship. But, right now, women need to see his strengths and uniqueness. Not his ability to compromise.

Moving on...

3. Other than parents, person influential:
I think if someone could see my older brothers & I together, they would know how much they've meant to me. And although I'm close to both of them, one of them has a really similar personality to me, and I think we can have more fun together just driving in the car than a lot of people have doing ... um, you know, ... fun things.

Again, there are some good things here. But they're being buried in a mound of apologies and safe vagueness. But this is very salvageable.

If I were Stats, I'd start this paragraph with, "My brother. We have really similar personalities, and we have more fun..." I'd keep the rest of the paragraph. But I'd end with one specific thing that you do in the car.

And now...

4. Four things:
· Rational
· Loyal
· Good Listener
· Thoughtful

5. Life skills:
· Humor to make friends laugh
· Expand knowledge and awareness
· Sharing beliefs through teaching, participation, and example

I'd pick traits that are a little more alpha than "Good listener" and "thoughtful". Otherwise, this seems fine and consistent.

Let's go on...

6. Quality you are looking for in another:
I'd like someone who will be patient with me, who genuinely cares about other people, and who has the strength of character to do what is right.

It's way too early to ask a woman to tolerate your bad habits. I'd just skip straight away to the other traits... caring about people and strength of character.

Next, we have:

7. Other than appearance:
People tell me their first impression of me is of someone contemplative, but not in the sense of a brooding, contemplating young man. At least I hope not. I think it's more in the sense of a guy who wears glasses and considers things.

He needs to make this look more appealing. And he needs to look a lot less apologetic.

I don't know if this is an appropriate "spin" for Stats, but here's a more positive way to bring out these qualities... how about something like, "People see me as the guy you can count on to be calm and rational during the times when other people are losing their heads." There. Same characteristics, but this spin (or something similar) can make him look confident, self-centered, and strong.

Next, we have:

8. People don't know:
Everyone knows I'm a fan of Immanuel Kant, but not everyone knows that there's more to it than just the fun of great ideas. Nor is it just the pleasure of being in the light of his genius. That's all true, but the real reason I love this stuff is that I find something really life-giving in it. He didn't just give us some stolid, overly systematic philosophy in page-long sentences (which he did apologize for); he drew a better picture of the human heart than most poets. I believe that.

There's a great emotional core here - that, behind Stats' calm, rational "front", there's a guy who sees it as a way of understanding the human heart. Unfortunately, it's still coming off a little cold, in my opinion.

Here's my first shot at editing this: "Because of my calm nature, sometimes people think I don't understand people's emotions. Nothing could be further from the truth. In my opinion, it takes a bit of calm to truly understand people. I think Immanual Kant pointed the way - that behind his stolid, overly systematic philosophy in page-long sentences, he drew a better picture of the human heart than most poets."

But, then again, even that's a pretty long paragraph... But it gives him a start.

Next, we have:

9. Leisure:
In July, I was in Sierra Leone & had plenty of leisure time. Sometimes, my friends & I would use it to find a way to escape the heat. The last Saturday, for instance, we had a pretty interesting time on the beach (granted not as interesting as my friend's proposition from a diamond smuggler, but still).

Since I've been back, I've really enjoyed following the tennis tournaments. It's a great sport because you can see the players as individuals, rather than simply as parts of a team, and it's a great time for the game, too, because of who the players are these days.

I'd move the first paragraph to "things only my friends know". And I'd tell a more specific story. He needs to say at least a little bit about what happened on the beach to generate interest.

Again, the second paragraph is usable, but needs to get more specific. It needs to start a story. Not just tell us that a story is there.

Next, we have...

10. Can't live without:
Chocolate Icebox Dessert on Christmas Day
The smell of old books
A bit of laughter
National Public Radio
Bright colors - just a touch

Good. But I'd get rid of "A bit" (of laughter), and "just a touch". No need to apologize for what you like.

Moving on, we have:

11. Describe the last book:
Get Fuzzy: Loserpalooza. It's collection of comic strips about the crazy antics of Robert Wilco and his two pets, Bucky Katt and Satchel the Dog. Why do I like it?
It's silly.

This is good. It gives us another dimension of his personality. I'd definitely keep it.

Next, we have:

12. Only friends know:
Two things:
1. I am quite loyal. One of my friends told me that this could be irritating, sometimes. He also told me it's the reason we're still friends.

2. The other thing is that I have a man crush on a Cambridge educated Zimbabwean theologian, whom I know personally. If you met him, you'd understand.

These two things are not wholly unrelated.

Ugh. Neither of these are appealing, in any way, shape or form.

Good thing we have the Sierra Leone story. Because these? They're seriously bad.

On a heterosexual dating site... it's best to look like a strong heterosexual man.

Okay, time to stop dwelling on this... Let's wrap it up with:

13. Additional Information:
If your interested in more, let's go through the guided communication. I'm happy to share.

Ugh.

Stats is an interesting guy. He needs to close with confidence. He shouldn't ask if they're interested. He should assume that they are, and tell them what the next step IS. And that's all he needs to do.

And, there you go. The elements of a good profile were there. He just needed to be more confident in bringing them out.

Now, he needs to continue that through communication.

I'd like to see how he does.... and I hope he keeps us posted.