Profile Clinic: It's time to grow a spine!

And, once again, it's time to return to the profile clinic.

Today's profile was submitted by "Stats". When he casually talks on our Google Group, he genuinely sounds like an interesting guy. He's a ministerial student. He's done missions in Sierra Leone. He's well-read, intelligent, and has an interesting, offbeat sense of humor. All intriguing and desirable traits.

Yet, when it comes to his profile... He's not doing well. Most women are closing him, saying that they're pursuing other matches.

An interesting guy... with a bad profile. Sounds like we've got our work cut out for us, yes?

Let's get started. How does his profile start?

1. What are you most passionate about?
I can still get pretty excited about Christmas time. It's a really meaningful time for me, and I like to put a lot of effort into that season. I'll never do anything as gaudy as Clark Griswold, but I understand the feeling. This can be a stressful time of the year, but I think it's worthwhile.

Hmm... I'm already beginning to see some problems coalesce.

Here's a guy who's devoted his life to joining the ministry. Who's spent time in missions work. Who's read philosophical tomes on ethics that I'd probably have to study for months before I could begin to understand them. Clearly, a passionate, driven guy.

But, when it comes to his profile? What is he most passionate about?

He likes Christmas. I don't even really see passion here.

It's too vague. He's playing it safe. And he's looking just like everybody else.

Furthermore, after being vague, he's busy defending himself. Saying he doesn't get too gaudy. Acknowledging that it's stressful for some people.

And sucking out whatever passion that there was in the statement.

This is supposed to be a statement about your passion. The best thing he can do? Tell us, and quit apologizing.

Let's move on.

2. Thankful for:
The Jack Benny Program (nobody can pause like Jack Benny)
That just about anyone can keep me humble if I'm paying attention
Those absurdly long & repetitive speeches my nephew's Karate teacher delivers. Deep down, I'm thankful for those.

The first one? Fantastic. I'd keep it. His personality really comes through on that one. The third one's okay too.

The second one? It's compounding some problems.

The trouble is, he's not giving us a clear, strong view of who he is, and what makes him different from the other profiles. When he adds this... he's adding to the wuss factor.

Don't get me wrong. Compromise is essential in a relationship. But, right now, women need to see his strengths and uniqueness. Not his ability to compromise.

Moving on...

3. Other than parents, person influential:
I think if someone could see my older brothers & I together, they would know how much they've meant to me. And although I'm close to both of them, one of them has a really similar personality to me, and I think we can have more fun together just driving in the car than a lot of people have doing ... um, you know, ... fun things.

Again, there are some good things here. But they're being buried in a mound of apologies and safe vagueness. But this is very salvageable.

If I were Stats, I'd start this paragraph with, "My brother. We have really similar personalities, and we have more fun..." I'd keep the rest of the paragraph. But I'd end with one specific thing that you do in the car.

And now...

4. Four things:
· Rational
· Loyal
· Good Listener
· Thoughtful

5. Life skills:
· Humor to make friends laugh
· Expand knowledge and awareness
· Sharing beliefs through teaching, participation, and example

I'd pick traits that are a little more alpha than "Good listener" and "thoughtful". Otherwise, this seems fine and consistent.

Let's go on...

6. Quality you are looking for in another:
I'd like someone who will be patient with me, who genuinely cares about other people, and who has the strength of character to do what is right.

It's way too early to ask a woman to tolerate your bad habits. I'd just skip straight away to the other traits... caring about people and strength of character.

Next, we have:

7. Other than appearance:
People tell me their first impression of me is of someone contemplative, but not in the sense of a brooding, contemplating young man. At least I hope not. I think it's more in the sense of a guy who wears glasses and considers things.

He needs to make this look more appealing. And he needs to look a lot less apologetic.

I don't know if this is an appropriate "spin" for Stats, but here's a more positive way to bring out these qualities... how about something like, "People see me as the guy you can count on to be calm and rational during the times when other people are losing their heads." There. Same characteristics, but this spin (or something similar) can make him look confident, self-centered, and strong.

Next, we have:

8. People don't know:
Everyone knows I'm a fan of Immanuel Kant, but not everyone knows that there's more to it than just the fun of great ideas. Nor is it just the pleasure of being in the light of his genius. That's all true, but the real reason I love this stuff is that I find something really life-giving in it. He didn't just give us some stolid, overly systematic philosophy in page-long sentences (which he did apologize for); he drew a better picture of the human heart than most poets. I believe that.

There's a great emotional core here - that, behind Stats' calm, rational "front", there's a guy who sees it as a way of understanding the human heart. Unfortunately, it's still coming off a little cold, in my opinion.

Here's my first shot at editing this: "Because of my calm nature, sometimes people think I don't understand people's emotions. Nothing could be further from the truth. In my opinion, it takes a bit of calm to truly understand people. I think Immanual Kant pointed the way - that behind his stolid, overly systematic philosophy in page-long sentences, he drew a better picture of the human heart than most poets."

But, then again, even that's a pretty long paragraph... But it gives him a start.

Next, we have:

9. Leisure:
In July, I was in Sierra Leone & had plenty of leisure time. Sometimes, my friends & I would use it to find a way to escape the heat. The last Saturday, for instance, we had a pretty interesting time on the beach (granted not as interesting as my friend's proposition from a diamond smuggler, but still).

Since I've been back, I've really enjoyed following the tennis tournaments. It's a great sport because you can see the players as individuals, rather than simply as parts of a team, and it's a great time for the game, too, because of who the players are these days.

I'd move the first paragraph to "things only my friends know". And I'd tell a more specific story. He needs to say at least a little bit about what happened on the beach to generate interest.

Again, the second paragraph is usable, but needs to get more specific. It needs to start a story. Not just tell us that a story is there.

Next, we have...

10. Can't live without:
Chocolate Icebox Dessert on Christmas Day
The smell of old books
A bit of laughter
National Public Radio
Bright colors - just a touch

Good. But I'd get rid of "A bit" (of laughter), and "just a touch". No need to apologize for what you like.

Moving on, we have:

11. Describe the last book:
Get Fuzzy: Loserpalooza. It's collection of comic strips about the crazy antics of Robert Wilco and his two pets, Bucky Katt and Satchel the Dog. Why do I like it?
It's silly.

This is good. It gives us another dimension of his personality. I'd definitely keep it.

Next, we have:

12. Only friends know:
Two things:
1. I am quite loyal. One of my friends told me that this could be irritating, sometimes. He also told me it's the reason we're still friends.

2. The other thing is that I have a man crush on a Cambridge educated Zimbabwean theologian, whom I know personally. If you met him, you'd understand.

These two things are not wholly unrelated.

Ugh. Neither of these are appealing, in any way, shape or form.

Good thing we have the Sierra Leone story. Because these? They're seriously bad.

On a heterosexual dating site... it's best to look like a strong heterosexual man.

Okay, time to stop dwelling on this... Let's wrap it up with:

13. Additional Information:
If your interested in more, let's go through the guided communication. I'm happy to share.

Ugh.

Stats is an interesting guy. He needs to close with confidence. He shouldn't ask if they're interested. He should assume that they are, and tell them what the next step IS. And that's all he needs to do.

And, there you go. The elements of a good profile were there. He just needed to be more confident in bringing them out.

Now, he needs to continue that through communication.

I'd like to see how he does.... and I hope he keeps us posted.