When the relationship is over...

Well, it's time for that article you've been asking for. The secrets of breaking up a relationship painlessly, and remaining great friends.

Tell you what. If you figure out how to do it, let me know. Because I'd like to learn.

All kidding aside, ending a relationship is a painful, soul-tearing experience. In fact, neuroscientists have demonstrated physiological changes that may bely the crushing, emotional experience that the break-up is.

So, it's hard. And that can't be avoided.

So, when it's time, treat her with respect. If you can, do it in person, in a place where she won't feel like you're publicly humiliating her. (In the extremely rare situation where you feel like she may threaten or harm you for breaking up with her, do it by letter, and get a restraining order.) Keep it brief, certain, and to the point. Don't argue. Just tell her what can't be worked out, that you're not negotiating, and let her know it's over. And leave her to her grief.

"Rational" things like picking up items, being friends, and so forth, can't be handled effectively while the shock of the breakup is in play. If you've got items to return, wait at least a day before talking about it. Sooner, only if she insists.

As far as being friends after the breakup? Don't talk about it during the breakup. She needs to recover from her grief, and you need to recover from yours first. This will take weeks, perhaps months. Not days.

After the time has passed, and you've really decided that you'd like to remain friends, go ahead and invite her to some things that you're doing with other people. And make it very clear that it's not a date, you're not interested in dating... but you thought that she might like joining the group for what you had planned.

If she accepts the invitations... there's a chance. If not, let it be.

But be careful. If you broke up with her, and she still wants you back, it can be an awkward relationship.

Like they always say, "Be careful what you ask for."

Maryann Says:

Fortunately I have very current experience with breaking up an intense relationship. So, here is my advice for the one who does the breaking:

1. Give hints that you are conflicted about the relationship for a day or two first. That could be dialing back on attention, affection, or it could be a conversation or email that expresses you “just aren’t sure.”
2. Do be clear, truthful, and kind. You can’t stop at “I’m just not sure.” You actually have to say something like, “as much as I have enjoyed getting to know you…” Actually get to the point!
   
3. If you want to be friends, say so. If you don’t, don’t pretend. Assume the person you are breaking up with is a whole, competent human being who doesn’t need false validation. Take an “I’m okay, you’re okay” position, not an “it’s not you, it’s me” approach. The latter is insulting.
4. Affirm what was good about the relationship and the person, briefly!
5. Don’t go silent. That is cowardly and cruel.
6. Don’t just close in eH and call that good, unless you are only at phone call stage or had one meeting that clearly didn’t go well. If you have had a decent date, be a decent person and thank him/her for a good time and wish her/him well.
7. Use the primary vehicle of communication in the relationship. If you see each other every day, then texting a break-up is not cool. But if you mostly communicate by email, then it is a fine way to end it, as well.

If you are the one broken up with:

1. Act like the mature person you wish you were.
2. Let him/her off the hook a little, with “I saw this coming.”
3. Be clear about whether it is okay for the person to contact you later if things should change. Again, do you want to be friends, or not? End it with class.
4. Always keep your sense of self worth by wishing the other well. Don’t do something you’ll regret, like begging or insulting or pouting.