The friend conversion

So... you've been on your eHarmony date.

The good news? She's into you.

The bad news? You're not so sure. She's a likable woman, who might be a decent friend... but she's not "girlfriend" material.

It happens pretty often. There can be a lot of reasons. Maybe the chemistry isn't there for you. Maybe she has problems that make you uncomfortable with a potential relationship. Or maybe you've established, very quickly, that you're looking for different things in a relationship.

For whatever reason... you've decided that you want this woman in the "Friend zone".

It's tricky. And I'll admit, it's still a sticking point for me. But I can share what's worked best for me so far.

First of all, if you're caught in a situation where you've gone on a few dates, but you haven't done anything that either of you would consider physically intimate... probably the best thing to do is leave it alone. Trust me, you're already in the friend zone, and it's unlikely to advance to anything different.

But if you've only had one or two dates... the lines are less clear. Things might be tense, and, often, tension can mean attraction. And, yes, attraction can lead to bruised egos when you say, "Let's be friends".

Like I said, tricky business. And, in the end, I only shoot around 50 percent. But, here are some principles to work with.

Going back to "Mystery Model" principles, providing comfort (in other words, talking about yourself, letting her know the "real you", and expecting the same back) in the absence of attraction, romantic tension, and physical escalation leads to the "friend zone". Which, in this case, is what you want.

So... put it into practice. When you realize that you want her in the friend zone, stop the physical escalation. Stop playing hard to get. If you've been touching her, find a way to quickly remark that you're a friendly guy, and people often take your touching the wrong way. And, if it's possible, without being rude, back away on kino escalation.

And start talking about yourself. Get to know her as a friend.

You'll have the basic ingredients set.

Finally, I like to lower the hammer over email, just because it's less confrontational. A little distance is a good thing, if you're letting her down. It gives her a better chance to recover gracefully than if you try to do it by phone or in person.

Send the letter the morning after the date. Just say that you had a nice time, and you enjoyed meeting her.

If you feel like she can easily accept the reason why you're not interested in pursuing her, go ahead and say it. For example, when you know that you're looking for different things out of relationships, giving that reason is something that women usually accept well. General "lack of chemistry" is something that women don't accept as well, and it would be kinder of you not to mention it as a factor.

Finally, say that, you don't think a relationship is really in the cards... but you'd like to stay friends.

And from that point on, treat her like a friend. When you're inviting a group of friends to meet, invite her along. (Obviously, hold off on anything that might remotely be considered a date for a good long time.) If she accepts, tell her to invite friends, if she wants.

And, if she doesn't accept your invitations after a few tries... move her to the card list, and see what happens from there.

Obviously, this can only work if you aren't already intimate.

But, what if you are?

I'll get into that in the next article.