Another thought that's somewhat related to this week's audio trainwreck...
Ever notice those profiles that are just a little too strident?
The ones that vociferously declare the woman's demands about needing to take care of children? Or demanding a respectful relationship? Or overstressing her religious faith?
Again, people who are confident aren't so strident. For example, I have run into a few rabbis on eHarmony, and I've reviewed the profiles of a few other people involved in religious service. They're content to demonstrate and imply their faith.
And they don't hammer folks over the head with their religiosity.
You guessed it - women who repeatedly insist on something, in my experience, either are covering a weakness, or are still dealing with some past problem.
In fact? Many of the slimier pick-up artists have commented upon how many of the women who insist on "respectful", "long-term", and "Christian" relationships, are, in fact, some of the easiest prey for them.
Scuzzy, yes. But the observation is probably accurate.
Keep it in mind, guys.
Showing posts with label Match selection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Match selection. Show all posts
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Friday, March 21, 2008
Too eager? Try the red flag hunt!
It happens to the best of us... Sometimes, we get too eager about a woman that we don't know very well.
And we know that, when we get like this, we can scare women off.
So, what do you do when you feel like this?
One exercise that I sometimes try is, "The red flag hunt."
Basically, I ask myself, "What's WRONG with this woman? If she WERE such a prize, why would she need to go online to meet decent guys?"
And, usually, if you look hard enough... you can start to see reasons.
Statements that seem like they could be dishonest.
Contradictions between how she describes herself, and the way she behaves.
Things that make you go, "Hmmm...."
With practice, this exercise becomes second-nature.
And, after this exercise, you'll usually find yourself a little more suspicious.
You'll want to learn more about her before going further.
... In other words, you'll be acting like you should act towards a woman that you don't know well.
Like a guy who's trying to have some fun while getting to know someone better.
And we know that, when we get like this, we can scare women off.
So, what do you do when you feel like this?
One exercise that I sometimes try is, "The red flag hunt."
Basically, I ask myself, "What's WRONG with this woman? If she WERE such a prize, why would she need to go online to meet decent guys?"
And, usually, if you look hard enough... you can start to see reasons.
Statements that seem like they could be dishonest.
Contradictions between how she describes herself, and the way she behaves.
Things that make you go, "Hmmm...."
With practice, this exercise becomes second-nature.
And, after this exercise, you'll usually find yourself a little more suspicious.
You'll want to learn more about her before going further.
... In other words, you'll be acting like you should act towards a woman that you don't know well.
Like a guy who's trying to have some fun while getting to know someone better.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Getting to know the "Warrior Woman"
As your results on eHarmony improve, you'll start noticing when (and where) to make small changes to get better results with certain women.
One common type of woman that may take a little adjustment is, what seduction Guru Dr. Paul calls "The warrior".
"Warrior women", in his scheme, are accomplishment-oriented. And they relish relationships with people who respect their accomplishments.
They can be great girlfriends. On a whole, they tend to be "earthy", accomplished, bright, and results-oriented. They're direct - you won't have to play head games with them to get their real opinions on things. And, because they're accomplishment-oriented, they often enjoy and relate to "guy stuff" that other women have difficulty understanding.
But, like stereotypical warriors, they can be a bit touchy. Quick to go to war. Because warriors like to feel powerful, and in command of their destinies.
And, because of this, some guys don't like warriors. Which is fine. But a lot of guys do.
So, how can you avoid going to war against the warrior?
Here are some pointers:
A good "first sign" that you might be dealing with a warrior? She talks about some accomplishment on your profile that she respects. She then starts bragging about her accomplishments. Consider this a sign of interest. She's unlikely to emotionally gush.
Warriors like to be their own leaders, and fight people who they see as trying to control them. Idealization can still take place though - warriors still admire strong, confident men. And they value these men as companions. But not authorities. So you'll need to back off the "dominance" stuff. Because, with a warrior, you don't want to fight for dominance.
If a fight is starting - back off. Work on your mirroring and twinship. Keep giving her the message, "I respect your uniqueness and passion." Unless you're dealing with a deal-breaker, agree to respectfully disagree. Don't fight.
And, In general, mirroring and twinship are much better tools for developing a relationship with a warrior. You want to be idealizable enough to be respected... but she values understanding and respect (and, occasionally, alternative perspectives) from the man that she respects.
One common type of woman that may take a little adjustment is, what seduction Guru Dr. Paul calls "The warrior".
"Warrior women", in his scheme, are accomplishment-oriented. And they relish relationships with people who respect their accomplishments.
They can be great girlfriends. On a whole, they tend to be "earthy", accomplished, bright, and results-oriented. They're direct - you won't have to play head games with them to get their real opinions on things. And, because they're accomplishment-oriented, they often enjoy and relate to "guy stuff" that other women have difficulty understanding.
But, like stereotypical warriors, they can be a bit touchy. Quick to go to war. Because warriors like to feel powerful, and in command of their destinies.
And, because of this, some guys don't like warriors. Which is fine. But a lot of guys do.
So, how can you avoid going to war against the warrior?
Here are some pointers:
A good "first sign" that you might be dealing with a warrior? She talks about some accomplishment on your profile that she respects. She then starts bragging about her accomplishments. Consider this a sign of interest. She's unlikely to emotionally gush.
Warriors like to be their own leaders, and fight people who they see as trying to control them. Idealization can still take place though - warriors still admire strong, confident men. And they value these men as companions. But not authorities. So you'll need to back off the "dominance" stuff. Because, with a warrior, you don't want to fight for dominance.
If a fight is starting - back off. Work on your mirroring and twinship. Keep giving her the message, "I respect your uniqueness and passion." Unless you're dealing with a deal-breaker, agree to respectfully disagree. Don't fight.
And, In general, mirroring and twinship are much better tools for developing a relationship with a warrior. You want to be idealizable enough to be respected... but she values understanding and respect (and, occasionally, alternative perspectives) from the man that she respects.
Monday, March 3, 2008
What were you EXPECTING eHarmony to solve?
The eHarmony ad copy looks so nice. It just makes finding "the love of your life" seem so effortless.
Just answer a few questions, jump through a few hoops - and, whammo. Instant happiness, right?
I wish eHarmony solved all of the problems involved with meeting "the love of your life".
But, in fact, it only solves one.
If you're having trouble meeting people - it will introduce you to people that it considers compatible.
That's it.
Unfortunately, many people expect eHarmony to provide instant bliss - not just a list of potential matches.
And, some people have some unrealistic expectations.
Some people subscribe to eHarmony because they want to meet people... but they're too busy to actually meet. Some need to deal with some personal problems before they're ready to date. Some are out of bad relationships, and continue to grind their axes. Some people have very narrow definitions of "compatible" that conflict with eHarmony's.
And I understand these problems. But they can't be solved by eHarmony.
So, how can you deal with it?
Relax.
First, take a look at yourself. If you have problems that won't be solved with a list of matches, you need to solve them. Don't expect a "compatible" match to solve the problem for you.
And, when you actually meet your matches... realize that a lot of them were looking for eHarmony to magically solve problems that eHarmony can't solve.
So... take it easy. You're meeting someone new.
You don't need to propose marriage tomorrow.
Just answer a few questions, jump through a few hoops - and, whammo. Instant happiness, right?
I wish eHarmony solved all of the problems involved with meeting "the love of your life".
But, in fact, it only solves one.
If you're having trouble meeting people - it will introduce you to people that it considers compatible.
That's it.
Unfortunately, many people expect eHarmony to provide instant bliss - not just a list of potential matches.
And, some people have some unrealistic expectations.
Some people subscribe to eHarmony because they want to meet people... but they're too busy to actually meet. Some need to deal with some personal problems before they're ready to date. Some are out of bad relationships, and continue to grind their axes. Some people have very narrow definitions of "compatible" that conflict with eHarmony's.
And I understand these problems. But they can't be solved by eHarmony.
So, how can you deal with it?
Relax.
First, take a look at yourself. If you have problems that won't be solved with a list of matches, you need to solve them. Don't expect a "compatible" match to solve the problem for you.
And, when you actually meet your matches... realize that a lot of them were looking for eHarmony to magically solve problems that eHarmony can't solve.
So... take it easy. You're meeting someone new.
You don't need to propose marriage tomorrow.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Anatomy of a scam - The messages
So, she's hooked a hapless, mirror-hungry guy with a great photo and some vague prose. How does our scammer start her approach?
She starts with a fast track:
Clearly, English is not this woman's strong suit. But she does do a few things right. She starts with a list of hobbies that almost anyone will find something in common with (a kinship trick.) She amplifies the fact that she's ready to mirror her "special guy" - she indicates that she's interested in his profile, and she's looking for someone to "love and have... love me back", indicating that she'd relocate to be with someone like that. And, finally, she justifies going to email.
Of course, these lines will only work on the mildly desparate - the people who are most desperate for mirroring. For a woman of even average self-esteem, a guy who said these things would be labelled as desperately sucking up.
And, she left a rather vague request for a response. Which is good, because she probably cuts and pastes her next letter (no matter what is asked)...
Okay. So, the guy showed some interest by responding outside of eHarmony. He's showing some interest. Now, she does a few things...
First, she explains away her UK English. Which would be okay... if she wrote good UK English. (Many better scammers do.) And she also grounds the fact that she's in the UK to take care of her ill trusted friend. (Which, later, is used to justify a request for money.)
Next, for the first time, she sets forth why she's a good catch, other than just her looks. She's set forth a laundry list of desirable (but somewhat vague) attributes... just enough to indicate some interest in the guy.
Next, she tries (somewhat vaguely) to target some reason why the guy is special. This would be much better if she read the guy's profile, and targeted it to him... but, my guess is her command of the english language prevents it. So, even though this is pretty weak, it may have to be "good enough". (In PUA circles, this would be considered a "cold read". I prefer warmer reads, when they're possible.)
Finally, she sets forth her (again, somewhat vague) standards, and asks the guy to qualify for her attention.
Further putting him in the position of making an effort to meet this woman.
I won't publish the actual request for money - it gives scammers a little bit too much information on how to set a scam up. But, you realize now that, after a guy has spent significant time qualifying for this "dream woman", how it's now harder to turn away from her request for help.
And that's the setup... and the pitch.
Again, it's not all that good. But, with a little customization and better English... there are some solid fundamentals here. And those fundamentals can be used for good - not just evil.
She starts with a fast track:
Subject: "Hi email me"
"My name is Susan Johnson from Seattle ,WA, i likeswimming,playing golf,traveling,camping,watchingmovies,listening to music,,i am nice and loving womanwho is looking for someone to love and he would loveme back and i am willing to relocate when i find theright person for me,i saw your profile and i reallyliked it and it interests me alot,if you want to knowanything about me just ask i would be very much happyto tell you.i just signed on for a couple of weekshere and my subscription would be off that why i hadto include my email so we can still get to contact each other if amoff here.you can mail me back on it
xxxxxxx@yahoo.com"
Clearly, English is not this woman's strong suit. But she does do a few things right. She starts with a list of hobbies that almost anyone will find something in common with (a kinship trick.) She amplifies the fact that she's ready to mirror her "special guy" - she indicates that she's interested in his profile, and she's looking for someone to "love and have... love me back", indicating that she'd relocate to be with someone like that. And, finally, she justifies going to email.
Of course, these lines will only work on the mildly desparate - the people who are most desperate for mirroring. For a woman of even average self-esteem, a guy who said these things would be labelled as desperately sucking up.
And, she left a rather vague request for a response. Which is good, because she probably cuts and pastes her next letter (no matter what is asked)...
Hi I am pleased to meet you. I sent you something about me because ithink we both have lot in common. I come from seattle.WA UnitedStates . I have been living in United Kingdom for 14 years now aftermy parents past away,I presently stay with my aunt here in Uk shemoved to Uk after meeting her husband at eharmony so she registered meon eharmony for a trial she has been there for me through the ruffand tough times in my life. I became a Uk citizen in February 2004. Iam a multifaceted individual, well bred, educated as a respectful anddecent woman in a good family. I have a close girl friend that stayssome block from my home ... she is everything i have got. Nature hassent me a message to start a family, and I am following the instinct.I have resolved to find a suitable decent man for that purpose. I ammature and responsible. Loyal and honest to the core. Hold no baggagefrom the past. The past brings always brings me pleasant memories. Ido not have unresolved issues and load at my prior experiences in lifebecause I probably learned something from them. I believe that life isan endless learning experience that ends when we breath for the lasttime. I certainly do not know what is beyond that point. Believe mewhen I say I would be honored to learn more about you. I have chosento communicate with you for a very specific reason, and not only foryour nice looks. I admit that I like cute and good looking bloke, butif it is not a complete package of body, mind, and spirit, there isnot much you can do for me. If this sounds cocky is only by chance. Iam not a Hollywood woman, that is for sure. I am a well educated, wellmannered person, which I definitely appreciate in a man as well. Ilike intelligent, and natural men. I like men with an inner world.Attractions that fall beyond my control are architects, piano players(or any other instrument), and men that know about massage.Tell memore about you. Anything. What ever comes to your mind. Tell me whatdo you expect from me, or from our correspondence. attached are few ofmy pic you can send some of yours
Yours,
Susan
Okay. So, the guy showed some interest by responding outside of eHarmony. He's showing some interest. Now, she does a few things...
First, she explains away her UK English. Which would be okay... if she wrote good UK English. (Many better scammers do.) And she also grounds the fact that she's in the UK to take care of her ill trusted friend. (Which, later, is used to justify a request for money.)
Next, for the first time, she sets forth why she's a good catch, other than just her looks. She's set forth a laundry list of desirable (but somewhat vague) attributes... just enough to indicate some interest in the guy.
Next, she tries (somewhat vaguely) to target some reason why the guy is special. This would be much better if she read the guy's profile, and targeted it to him... but, my guess is her command of the english language prevents it. So, even though this is pretty weak, it may have to be "good enough". (In PUA circles, this would be considered a "cold read". I prefer warmer reads, when they're possible.)
Finally, she sets forth her (again, somewhat vague) standards, and asks the guy to qualify for her attention.
Further putting him in the position of making an effort to meet this woman.
I won't publish the actual request for money - it gives scammers a little bit too much information on how to set a scam up. But, you realize now that, after a guy has spent significant time qualifying for this "dream woman", how it's now harder to turn away from her request for help.
And that's the setup... and the pitch.
Again, it's not all that good. But, with a little customization and better English... there are some solid fundamentals here. And those fundamentals can be used for good - not just evil.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Anatomy of a Scam - The Scammer's Profile
One of my members recently sent me an email, giving a blow-by-blow account of an eHarmony scammer's attempt to seduce him out of his money.
I've seen these attempts before. But, I figured that these might make for some interesting blog posts, for three important reasons.
First of all - you should learn to recognize them. So you can waste only as much time as you want to with them. If any "woman" (and I'll put that in quotes because their gender isn't a certain thing...) uses these techniques, you'll know better than to send money. Or give her an email address that would inconvenience you if it got choked with spam.
Secondly... you can learn a few things from scammers. They make a living by doing this. So, either they're starving, or they're using some techniques that work. And these techniques can be used for good purposes - not just for bilking money from the desperate.
And, finally, as a lesson in learning how conventional beauty can make some guys do very stupid things.
So... let's do the blow-by-blow, shall we?
The Profile
The profile's most outstanding point... was the picture. Bottom-line? The photo was of a drop-dead gorgeous woman. I'd publish it here - but I'd hate to defame the (real) woman.
Everything else? Well, she did a few things right. Which is enough, if a woman has a hot enough picture. Here's the profile...
There's a lot wrong here. She's not even familiar enough with American culture or language to use good grammar. Or to know that "Native American" does not mean "born in America." (The picture was of a Caucasian woman.)
But, a few things were right.
She didn't provide much detail. Just enough to get a susceptible man's attention with her pictures. And only says a few things. Just enough to build up some potential for mirroring.
However, guys should avoid lines like, "Going to the beach". Women see that line from a mile away. And women usually aren't as swayed by pretty pictures alone.
So, that's the profile. The pitch? That's tomorrow.
I've seen these attempts before. But, I figured that these might make for some interesting blog posts, for three important reasons.
First of all - you should learn to recognize them. So you can waste only as much time as you want to with them. If any "woman" (and I'll put that in quotes because their gender isn't a certain thing...) uses these techniques, you'll know better than to send money. Or give her an email address that would inconvenience you if it got choked with spam.
Secondly... you can learn a few things from scammers. They make a living by doing this. So, either they're starving, or they're using some techniques that work. And these techniques can be used for good purposes - not just for bilking money from the desperate.
And, finally, as a lesson in learning how conventional beauty can make some guys do very stupid things.
So... let's do the blow-by-blow, shall we?
The Profile
The profile's most outstanding point... was the picture. Bottom-line? The photo was of a drop-dead gorgeous woman. I'd publish it here - but I'd hate to defame the (real) woman.
Everything else? Well, she did a few things right. Which is enough, if a woman has a hot enough picture. Here's the profile...
Occupation: Temporary Unemployed
Age: 28
Height: 5' 5"
Ethnicity: Native American
The one thing Susan is most passionate about:
* To find someone special in my life for us to build a trust..
The three things which Susan is most thankful for:
* My Aunt
* My Life
* My Home
Susan's friends describe her as:
* Caring
* Passionate
* Thoughtful
* Romantic
Three of Susan's best life-skills are:
* Creating romance in a relationship
* Cooking for my family and friends
* Finding new adventures and unique experiences
The most important thing Susan is looking for in a person is:
* Someone Honest, Caring and Loving.
The first thing you'll probably notice about Susan when you meet her:
* My Smile
Susan typically spends her leisure time:
* I enjoying going to beach I enjoying going to the cinema or a theater Going to a garden with someone special
There's a lot wrong here. She's not even familiar enough with American culture or language to use good grammar. Or to know that "Native American" does not mean "born in America." (The picture was of a Caucasian woman.)
But, a few things were right.
She didn't provide much detail. Just enough to get a susceptible man's attention with her pictures. And only says a few things. Just enough to build up some potential for mirroring.
However, guys should avoid lines like, "Going to the beach". Women see that line from a mile away. And women usually aren't as swayed by pretty pictures alone.
So, that's the profile. The pitch? That's tomorrow.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Spotting a liar - Lessons from Bill Clinton
Again, this is not a blog for political discussion... but, sometimes, events that happen in politics can provide a good base for writing.
And, this one is quite dated. But still very illustrative.
Remember Bill Clinton's dramatic and emphatic statement to the press, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman?"
Well, no matter where you sit on the political spectrum, he was clearly lying.
And, in that short statement, he illustrated many of the things that liars do when they make statements. And these are lessons you can take home when you read a woman's profile.
Again, you can carry this advice too far. Some people might make these mistakes and be telling the truth. Some are just trying a little too hard to impress.
But, keep these in the back of your mind as "red flags". Something to look out for later.
Sentence length
First of all, take a look at that sentence.
It's much longer than it needs to be.
In fact, if the question was asked by the press, he could have just said "No." One word.
"It didn't happen." Three words.
If he needed to get formal, he could stretch it out to, "I've never had sex with her." Six words.
He took nine words.
People use more words when they feel they need to be more emphatic or convincing.
For example, when they're lying.
Overformal language
When people are trying to be "too convincing", they also tend to use formal language.
Much more formal than what people say in everyday life.
Bill Clinton? He used, "I did not". In most circumstances, I'd say, "I didn't".
And when was the last time you talked to friend about the girl you "had sexual relations with?"
(I'll let you come up with the phrase that you'd actually use.)
Again, overformal language means that a person is trying hard to convince you.
And when they're working that hard... they're usually insecure about what they're saying.
Overemphasis
Of course, most of you probably remember Clinton's measured, forceful statement, complete with stiff fist-pounding when he said his famous statement.
Obviously, people can't talk forcefully, point, stare, or stiffen when they write something in their profile.
But they put in words that seem unnecessary.
Words like, "really", "truly", and "honestly". And other words that are meant to reassure you of their honesty.
When you say a true statement, how often do you emphasize how true it is?
Not much, I'd bet.
If they feel that need to convince you... odds are pretty good that they're stretching the truth.
And, this one is quite dated. But still very illustrative.
Remember Bill Clinton's dramatic and emphatic statement to the press, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman?"
Well, no matter where you sit on the political spectrum, he was clearly lying.
And, in that short statement, he illustrated many of the things that liars do when they make statements. And these are lessons you can take home when you read a woman's profile.
Again, you can carry this advice too far. Some people might make these mistakes and be telling the truth. Some are just trying a little too hard to impress.
But, keep these in the back of your mind as "red flags". Something to look out for later.
Sentence length
First of all, take a look at that sentence.
It's much longer than it needs to be.
In fact, if the question was asked by the press, he could have just said "No." One word.
"It didn't happen." Three words.
If he needed to get formal, he could stretch it out to, "I've never had sex with her." Six words.
He took nine words.
People use more words when they feel they need to be more emphatic or convincing.
For example, when they're lying.
Overformal language
When people are trying to be "too convincing", they also tend to use formal language.
Much more formal than what people say in everyday life.
Bill Clinton? He used, "I did not". In most circumstances, I'd say, "I didn't".
And when was the last time you talked to friend about the girl you "had sexual relations with?"
(I'll let you come up with the phrase that you'd actually use.)
Again, overformal language means that a person is trying hard to convince you.
And when they're working that hard... they're usually insecure about what they're saying.
Overemphasis
Of course, most of you probably remember Clinton's measured, forceful statement, complete with stiff fist-pounding when he said his famous statement.
Obviously, people can't talk forcefully, point, stare, or stiffen when they write something in their profile.
But they put in words that seem unnecessary.
Words like, "really", "truly", and "honestly". And other words that are meant to reassure you of their honesty.
When you say a true statement, how often do you emphasize how true it is?
Not much, I'd bet.
If they feel that need to convince you... odds are pretty good that they're stretching the truth.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Your special Halloween weblink...
I've talked about this subject before... but this article illustrates my points well.
Happy Halloween, guys!
P.S. More here.
Happy Halloween, guys!
P.S. More here.
Friday, June 29, 2007
War Story: No Pictures, Plenty of Problems.
One of the questions that people most commonly email me is, "What do you do when someone doesn't put up a picture?"
Most of the time... it isn't a problem. Since I've been doing this, almost no women have had the guts to enter open communication without a photo. The vast majority of people who don't provide photos are "window shoppers" who don't respond to questions.I've only had one recent exception. Our communication was interesting, to say the least.
Since I (of course) initiated, she wrote the first letter....
Subject: Hi
Message: Hi Scott,
I hope you're having a good weekend. Are you doing anything special for the long weekend? What do you like to do in your free time?
I'd love for you to tell me more about yourself. Have you always lived in ______? How/why did you decide to become a _____? Your first job sounds like a learning experience--how did you decide to move on? Are you pleased with your current job?
Have a great afternoon,
(Her name)
Well, I've clearly piqued her interest.
Right now, it's a matter of principle.
She wants me to write long essays describing myself, when she hasn't even provided a photo? Considering she lives 2 hours away?
That's just plain disrespectful, in my humble opinion.
But, it is, in a way, pretty funny. I don't know who she is, or even if she's for real... and she wants me to write a book for her, for just the faint glimmer of hope that I'll be able to meet her.
I can have a lot of fun with that.
It follows the same gist as my usual opening email, but centers the "challenge" and "questions" around her lack of a photo.
And, yes, I've adapted the punchline from Dave M. But he frequently writes about it in his free email list... so I don't think he'll mind seeing it here.
Sender: Scott
Subject: RE: Hi
Message: Hi, _____! I've gotta run to join some friends, but I just wanted to touch base quickly. It's nice to be able to talk to each other (sort of) like normal people!
Anyway, you do seem like an interesting, dedicated, and intelligent woman. If you ARE a woman, that is. It's hard to tell, when you aren't providing photos...
Talk later!
- Scott
Ever the intrigued one, she wrote back hours later...
Subject: RE: Hi
Message: Hi Scott,
Let me assure you that I am definitely a woman! Sorry about not having a picture. It's a bit of a story, but I'm working on it.
Have a good evening,
(Her name)
Normally, I'd close at this point. It's clear that she's either so egotistic that she expects me to write books for her in exchange for little in return... or she's hiding something. But, I wanted to prepare this as a potential war story for the blog... so, I amplified the tension. And the joke.
Sender: Scott
Subject: RE: Hi
Message: That's exactly what "Talia" said.
Wait a minute...
She's intrigued. I've set the bar - if she wants to get to know me, she's got to show that she's not hiding something behind the lack of photo. And she's only earning dismissive one-liners until then... (In fact, I'm not even bothering to change subject lines.) But, undeterred, she tries again.
Subject: RE: Hi
Date: 05/28/07 06:44PM
Message: You have to share this story! Who is Talia and what happened? I'm on the edge of my chair!
Nice try... but until she starts sharing, she's getting more of the same...
(Yes, Talia is real, and it is a good story, but sharing it would be rewarding her bad behavior.)
Sender: Scott
Subject: RE: Hi
Message: Cool. I've always wanted to know how to keep a cross-dresser in suspense...
A week passes. And, clearly, she's pretty stressed out, based on the multiple misspellings in this letter:
Subject: RE: Hi
Message: The one liners are really getting old. You have yet to answer any question I have asked and have used rude humor. Just for your information, I recently moved back to ______ because my father was diagnosed with lung cancer and most of my belongings are still in storage. Inbetween working and caring for him I've been building a life for myself and posting a picutre has not been my first priority. If you want to see a pictur of me, you can go to jdate. My user name is _________. Good luck to you.
Mystery solved. This is what she was hiding, and why she's having so much difficulty seeing outside of herself. I feel bad for her. But I also know that, until she's got her life in order... she's not ready for the kind of relationship that I want.
I didn't even look her photo up. Instead, I wrote this letter.
Yes, I went into "lecture mode" a bit, which is not effective for "pickup". But this isn't about pickup anymore.
Sender: Scott
Subject: Sorry...
Message: I didn't realize what you must be going through right now. I still can't imagine what it's like for you. My prayers are with you during this difficult time.
When you're at a point in your life where talking to a guy isn't a burden, a little banter can be fun, and you can see that the photo itself was not the point... feel free to email me at ______.
Best of luck.
And I closed the match.
Sometimes, the victory isn't getting the girl. It's keeping yourself safe and sane... and holding out for what you want.
By the way, when I went back to "Closed matches" to copy this transcript, I noticed that she has, since, put up a photo.
And, yes, she is really overweight.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
War Story: "Can't Stand Pornography"
Awhile ago, I ran into a match that was beginning to look intriguing.
Communication began, and pretty soon, we exchanged our "Must Haves/Can't Stands" lists.
Well, she was the only match that I've ever had who put "Can't stand someone who watches pornography" on her list.
And that struck me as unusual.
Certainly, there are some major issues that could be put on such a list... this seems like a small one.
No, I'm not into pornography. That wasn't an issue for me. But my mind raced. Why would she choose that as a can't stand? Does she have some problems with sexuality that I don't want to deal with?
It puzzled me.
So what did I do about it?
I ignored it.
Why?
Because, in the end... you don't need to answer every potential problem before the first meeting.
During the first few dates... all you can figure out is if you like each other, and if you have chemistry. And one of the surest ways to kill those things... is to ask intrusive questions too early.
So, I kept it in the back of my mind... but I left it there.
Eventually (several dates later), I mentioned that I thought it was odd. Not that it was a problem, but it just seemed unusual. I never got a definite answer as to why. But she did mention that several men had questioned her about it before meeting her. And she always closed them without any further discussion.
I never found out the answer... but discovered that my concerns about her sexual appetite or hangups were completely unwarranted.
She eventually did fall by the wayside of women who were "close, but not quite right"... but sexual hangups had nothing to do with it.
The moral? Take everything a step at a time. Don't jump to conclusions. And don't try to "figure things out" too fast.
Because, when you do that... you're killing the chemistry that's so critical during the first dates. And you'll be rejecting people for the wrong reasons.
Communication began, and pretty soon, we exchanged our "Must Haves/Can't Stands" lists.
Well, she was the only match that I've ever had who put "Can't stand someone who watches pornography" on her list.
And that struck me as unusual.
Certainly, there are some major issues that could be put on such a list... this seems like a small one.
No, I'm not into pornography. That wasn't an issue for me. But my mind raced. Why would she choose that as a can't stand? Does she have some problems with sexuality that I don't want to deal with?
It puzzled me.
So what did I do about it?
I ignored it.
Why?
Because, in the end... you don't need to answer every potential problem before the first meeting.
During the first few dates... all you can figure out is if you like each other, and if you have chemistry. And one of the surest ways to kill those things... is to ask intrusive questions too early.
So, I kept it in the back of my mind... but I left it there.
Eventually (several dates later), I mentioned that I thought it was odd. Not that it was a problem, but it just seemed unusual. I never got a definite answer as to why. But she did mention that several men had questioned her about it before meeting her. And she always closed them without any further discussion.
I never found out the answer... but discovered that my concerns about her sexual appetite or hangups were completely unwarranted.
She eventually did fall by the wayside of women who were "close, but not quite right"... but sexual hangups had nothing to do with it.
The moral? Take everything a step at a time. Don't jump to conclusions. And don't try to "figure things out" too fast.
Because, when you do that... you're killing the chemistry that's so critical during the first dates. And you'll be rejecting people for the wrong reasons.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
The "red flag" photos
Let's face it. Unless a woman is lazy or indifferent, she's going to put up photos that highlight her best features, and hide others.
To some degree, you have to expect it. However, it's always good to know when to expect disappointment.
Here are some of the "red flags" that I use to brace myself...
The One-Photo Queen
These can be among the most deceptive. Sometimes, a woman is honest when she posts just one photo. But, often, there's a good reason why there's only one. It could be someone else's photo, and she doesn't have any others. Or it could be the only photo that she has of herself from 5-10 years ago. Beware....
The Headshot Hottie / The Angular Shot
Are there no photos that go below her chest? Or, perhaps, none that go below her neck? Does it look like parts of the photo are deliberately being cut off? Or are all the shots from a bizarre angle? If so... she's probably hiding her weight. Other hints: Look for facial fat, and fat in the shoulders and arms. And if all of the photos have a scarf on... She could be a guy.
The Glamour Shot
People pay professional photographers for a good reason - they want their photos to look better than real-life. And they've got a lot of tricks they can pull. They can airbrush or photoshop away facial deformities. They can use deceptive lighting. And, of course, the makeup and hair may not resemble what they ordinarily use. So... if the lighting looks perfect, the angles cleverly hide certain features, and the photo looks airbrushed.... get ready for some differences in real life.
What do you do with these photos? Your call. You could meet for a low-key date, prepared for potential disappointment. You could ask for more photos... but most women using tricks are awfully insecure, and won't do it. Or you can decide to reject people who are insecure enough to use these tricks. Your call. Just be ready to deal with it. It's common.
To some degree, you have to expect it. However, it's always good to know when to expect disappointment.
Here are some of the "red flags" that I use to brace myself...
The One-Photo Queen
These can be among the most deceptive. Sometimes, a woman is honest when she posts just one photo. But, often, there's a good reason why there's only one. It could be someone else's photo, and she doesn't have any others. Or it could be the only photo that she has of herself from 5-10 years ago. Beware....
The Headshot Hottie / The Angular Shot
Are there no photos that go below her chest? Or, perhaps, none that go below her neck? Does it look like parts of the photo are deliberately being cut off? Or are all the shots from a bizarre angle? If so... she's probably hiding her weight. Other hints: Look for facial fat, and fat in the shoulders and arms. And if all of the photos have a scarf on... She could be a guy.
The Glamour Shot
People pay professional photographers for a good reason - they want their photos to look better than real-life. And they've got a lot of tricks they can pull. They can airbrush or photoshop away facial deformities. They can use deceptive lighting. And, of course, the makeup and hair may not resemble what they ordinarily use. So... if the lighting looks perfect, the angles cleverly hide certain features, and the photo looks airbrushed.... get ready for some differences in real life.
What do you do with these photos? Your call. You could meet for a low-key date, prepared for potential disappointment. You could ask for more photos... but most women using tricks are awfully insecure, and won't do it. Or you can decide to reject people who are insecure enough to use these tricks. Your call. Just be ready to deal with it. It's common.
Monday, May 28, 2007
War story: My first "online date".
I still remember the first woman that I met online.
When I first came online, I had just finalized my divorce. I was eager to meet someone who was different from the woman that I had left.
I went to JDate (the largest Jewish dating site), and came upon the profile of a woman who described herself as having "a responsible and a fun side" (I was too new to online dating to realize that it was a cliche), and described the person she's looking for as "someone who plays nice in the sandbox and doesn't eat paste." It sounded appealing, we bounced a few emails, and decided to meet.
Well, turns out this "responsible" woman had been chronically unemployed, and was living with her parents. And, on top of that, complained that she'd like her parents to retire to another area, so she could move out there again.
Painful, yes. But it proved to me that, when people write profiles, they often describe themselves as the person they want to be (or want to meet), and not who they really are.
So... how do you handle this?
First of all... if a woman says something that holds a lot of appeal for you, take it with a grain of salt. She could be exaggerating. And, to some degree, all of my dates have. Even the good ones. You really don't know who you're going to meet until you actually meet them.
And don't just look at how she describes herself. That information isn't very good. But you can come away with a good idea of what a person values, and what a person does with her life.
Oh, did I mention that my first date also used an inaccurate photo?
I'll talk about that tomorrow.
When I first came online, I had just finalized my divorce. I was eager to meet someone who was different from the woman that I had left.
I went to JDate (the largest Jewish dating site), and came upon the profile of a woman who described herself as having "a responsible and a fun side" (I was too new to online dating to realize that it was a cliche), and described the person she's looking for as "someone who plays nice in the sandbox and doesn't eat paste." It sounded appealing, we bounced a few emails, and decided to meet.
Well, turns out this "responsible" woman had been chronically unemployed, and was living with her parents. And, on top of that, complained that she'd like her parents to retire to another area, so she could move out there again.
Painful, yes. But it proved to me that, when people write profiles, they often describe themselves as the person they want to be (or want to meet), and not who they really are.
So... how do you handle this?
First of all... if a woman says something that holds a lot of appeal for you, take it with a grain of salt. She could be exaggerating. And, to some degree, all of my dates have. Even the good ones. You really don't know who you're going to meet until you actually meet them.
And don't just look at how she describes herself. That information isn't very good. But you can come away with a good idea of what a person values, and what a person does with her life.
Oh, did I mention that my first date also used an inaccurate photo?
I'll talk about that tomorrow.
Friday, May 25, 2007
War story: An imperfect profile, but...
As faithful readers will know, I met my last long-term girlfriend through eHarmony.
So, you're probably wondering... what was her profile like, if it attracted my attention?
Actually, it was pretty flawed.
First off: Her pictures weren't very flattering. There was a webcam closeup, and a distant photo of her nearly at the finish of a triathalon. Neither photo looked particularly flattering.
And, yes, there were a few faults that she admitted to in her profile.
But, then, I thought for awhile.
When I started on eHarmony, my results were pretty poor. It wasn't because I'm an unattractive person, it was because I made a lot of mistakes in how I presented myself.
In short... she was making the same mistakes that I did when I started.
Anyway, I saw that we had a few things in common. I saw that she was a triathelete, so she must be, at least, in pretty decent shape. And, in all, despite the profile's flaws, I decided to give her a chance.
And, of course, when I met her, I discovered that she overstated her personality faults... and she looked a lot better than her photos. And we got along well. Overall - no regrets.
Lesson? Don't throw matches away for making the same mistakes that you made.
When I return on Monday - red flags to watch for.
So, you're probably wondering... what was her profile like, if it attracted my attention?
Actually, it was pretty flawed.
First off: Her pictures weren't very flattering. There was a webcam closeup, and a distant photo of her nearly at the finish of a triathalon. Neither photo looked particularly flattering.
And, yes, there were a few faults that she admitted to in her profile.
But, then, I thought for awhile.
When I started on eHarmony, my results were pretty poor. It wasn't because I'm an unattractive person, it was because I made a lot of mistakes in how I presented myself.
In short... she was making the same mistakes that I did when I started.
Anyway, I saw that we had a few things in common. I saw that she was a triathelete, so she must be, at least, in pretty decent shape. And, in all, despite the profile's flaws, I decided to give her a chance.
And, of course, when I met her, I discovered that she overstated her personality faults... and she looked a lot better than her photos. And we got along well. Overall - no regrets.
Lesson? Don't throw matches away for making the same mistakes that you made.
When I return on Monday - red flags to watch for.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Don't be a creepy guy!
I hesitated to write this column - I thought it was painfully obvious. But, every once in awhile, I do see men who feel guilty about communicating with, or dating multiple women.
Don't feel guilty. Women expect that you will be talking to several women at the same time. And they're probably talking to several men, as well.
In fact, most women feel uncomfortable with men who form an "exclusive" relationship with someone that they haven't even met yet. It really makes you look creepy.
There's a time to be in an exclusive relationship (unless you want the pick-up artist life)... but it comes after you've met, and after you're sure that she's worth it. Not before.
And while we're on the subject... another thing that gives women the creeps is a bad attitude about dating.
All of your eHarmony activities... it's about meeting people.
And on the first date, it's not about whether you're "scoring". All you're doing is meeting someone new. If you hit it off, great. If not, it's really no loss. If you're following my advice, you're not spending a lot on dates - in fact, you're doing something that you'd do for fun anyway, with or without her.
When you display an agenda, reveal expectations, or you're focused on any goal other than getting to know her a little better, you're putting way too much pressure on her. And it's going to give her the creeps.
Just meet her, see if you're getting along. If you're following my advice, and it doesn't work out... you should have plenty more options.
Now that you're understanding this (and the last post), I'm finally ready to start to talk about match selection... coming tomorrow.
Don't feel guilty. Women expect that you will be talking to several women at the same time. And they're probably talking to several men, as well.
In fact, most women feel uncomfortable with men who form an "exclusive" relationship with someone that they haven't even met yet. It really makes you look creepy.
There's a time to be in an exclusive relationship (unless you want the pick-up artist life)... but it comes after you've met, and after you're sure that she's worth it. Not before.
And while we're on the subject... another thing that gives women the creeps is a bad attitude about dating.
All of your eHarmony activities... it's about meeting people.
And on the first date, it's not about whether you're "scoring". All you're doing is meeting someone new. If you hit it off, great. If not, it's really no loss. If you're following my advice, you're not spending a lot on dates - in fact, you're doing something that you'd do for fun anyway, with or without her.
When you display an agenda, reveal expectations, or you're focused on any goal other than getting to know her a little better, you're putting way too much pressure on her. And it's going to give her the creeps.
Just meet her, see if you're getting along. If you're following my advice, and it doesn't work out... you should have plenty more options.
Now that you're understanding this (and the last post), I'm finally ready to start to talk about match selection... coming tomorrow.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
War Story: The Red Flag Zone
People try to get away with a lot of things... even on eHarmony.
Over the last couple of weeks, I had a match that seemed intriguing at first. She was a professional art photographer. Her essays demonstrated definite intelligence. And, yes, she was attractive - triathlete body and all. Looked promising.
There was a definite delay in her answering Phase 1 questions (she required a nudge)... but after that, phase 2 whipped by quickly.
And there was a delay in answering her phase 3 questions. Another nudge.
Two nudges... hmm. I almost never have to nudge that hard. And, when I did... they were usually uncertain and insecure when I met them.
Six days after the nudge, I had my answers.
And they started to make me feel uncomfortable.
As I've implied, I don't rely upon eHarmony as my only tool to meet new people. Other than "real life", I've also used JDate, a dating website for Jewish folks.
One thing that I've noticed on JDate is that I'd get a lot of attention from older women, with profiles that included such phrases as, "I look and act younger", "People mistake me for someone much younger", and so on.
I can't blame 'em for trying... but when you're looking for the "wife and kids" thing, age is a factor in deciding who I'll date.
Sure enough... this woman's phase 3 answers included multiple references to looking and acting younger. Hmm... why would someone in my age range delay communication, and "leak" insecurity about her age? Red flag raised.
So... I took a closer look at the photos.
They're all black and white.
One of the photos was head-on, with the caption that it was from "my third triathlon".
The head-on photo was perfect. (Wouldn't she have run into the cameraman?) Focus was perfect (while she was moving?). Background was obscured in black - it was absolutely blank. All in all, another red flag. This photo was obviously heavily edited... and probably a posed shot.
And a further examination of the photos... her facial features changed.
I zoomed in on the photos. Definitely photoshopped.
The red flags were flying too hard. I wasn't going to travel an hour away to meet her. It was time to close this match. I just used, "other".
Maybe she's more honest than she seems. I certainly hope so, for her sake.
But I've got other people to pursue. Why waste time and effort meeting her?
Over the last couple of weeks, I had a match that seemed intriguing at first. She was a professional art photographer. Her essays demonstrated definite intelligence. And, yes, she was attractive - triathlete body and all. Looked promising.
There was a definite delay in her answering Phase 1 questions (she required a nudge)... but after that, phase 2 whipped by quickly.
And there was a delay in answering her phase 3 questions. Another nudge.
Two nudges... hmm. I almost never have to nudge that hard. And, when I did... they were usually uncertain and insecure when I met them.
Six days after the nudge, I had my answers.
And they started to make me feel uncomfortable.
As I've implied, I don't rely upon eHarmony as my only tool to meet new people. Other than "real life", I've also used JDate, a dating website for Jewish folks.
One thing that I've noticed on JDate is that I'd get a lot of attention from older women, with profiles that included such phrases as, "I look and act younger", "People mistake me for someone much younger", and so on.
I can't blame 'em for trying... but when you're looking for the "wife and kids" thing, age is a factor in deciding who I'll date.
Sure enough... this woman's phase 3 answers included multiple references to looking and acting younger. Hmm... why would someone in my age range delay communication, and "leak" insecurity about her age? Red flag raised.
So... I took a closer look at the photos.
They're all black and white.
One of the photos was head-on, with the caption that it was from "my third triathlon".
The head-on photo was perfect. (Wouldn't she have run into the cameraman?) Focus was perfect (while she was moving?). Background was obscured in black - it was absolutely blank. All in all, another red flag. This photo was obviously heavily edited... and probably a posed shot.
And a further examination of the photos... her facial features changed.
I zoomed in on the photos. Definitely photoshopped.
The red flags were flying too hard. I wasn't going to travel an hour away to meet her. It was time to close this match. I just used, "other".
Maybe she's more honest than she seems. I certainly hope so, for her sake.
But I've got other people to pursue. Why waste time and effort meeting her?
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