One of the questions that people most commonly email me is, "What do you do when someone doesn't put up a picture?"
Most of the time... it isn't a problem. Since I've been doing this, almost no women have had the guts to enter open communication without a photo. The vast majority of people who don't provide photos are "window shoppers" who don't respond to questions.I've only had one recent exception. Our communication was interesting, to say the least.
Since I (of course) initiated, she wrote the first letter....
Subject: Hi
Message: Hi Scott,
I hope you're having a good weekend. Are you doing anything special for the long weekend? What do you like to do in your free time?
I'd love for you to tell me more about yourself. Have you always lived in ______? How/why did you decide to become a _____? Your first job sounds like a learning experience--how did you decide to move on? Are you pleased with your current job?
Have a great afternoon,
(Her name)
Well, I've clearly piqued her interest.
Right now, it's a matter of principle.
She wants me to write long essays describing myself, when she hasn't even provided a photo? Considering she lives 2 hours away?
That's just plain disrespectful, in my humble opinion.
But, it is, in a way, pretty funny. I don't know who she is, or even if she's for real... and she wants me to write a book for her, for just the faint glimmer of hope that I'll be able to meet her.
I can have a lot of fun with that.
It follows the same gist as my usual opening email, but centers the "challenge" and "questions" around her lack of a photo.
And, yes, I've adapted the punchline from Dave M. But he frequently writes about it in his free email list... so I don't think he'll mind seeing it here.
Sender: Scott
Subject: RE: Hi
Message: Hi, _____! I've gotta run to join some friends, but I just wanted to touch base quickly. It's nice to be able to talk to each other (sort of) like normal people!
Anyway, you do seem like an interesting, dedicated, and intelligent woman. If you ARE a woman, that is. It's hard to tell, when you aren't providing photos...
Talk later!
- Scott
Ever the intrigued one, she wrote back hours later...
Subject: RE: Hi
Message: Hi Scott,
Let me assure you that I am definitely a woman! Sorry about not having a picture. It's a bit of a story, but I'm working on it.
Have a good evening,
(Her name)
Normally, I'd close at this point. It's clear that she's either so egotistic that she expects me to write books for her in exchange for little in return... or she's hiding something. But, I wanted to prepare this as a potential war story for the blog... so, I amplified the tension. And the joke.
Sender: Scott
Subject: RE: Hi
Message: That's exactly what "Talia" said.
Wait a minute...
She's intrigued. I've set the bar - if she wants to get to know me, she's got to show that she's not hiding something behind the lack of photo. And she's only earning dismissive one-liners until then... (In fact, I'm not even bothering to change subject lines.) But, undeterred, she tries again.
Subject: RE: Hi
Date: 05/28/07 06:44PM
Message: You have to share this story! Who is Talia and what happened? I'm on the edge of my chair!
Nice try... but until she starts sharing, she's getting more of the same...
(Yes, Talia is real, and it is a good story, but sharing it would be rewarding her bad behavior.)
Sender: Scott
Subject: RE: Hi
Message: Cool. I've always wanted to know how to keep a cross-dresser in suspense...
A week passes. And, clearly, she's pretty stressed out, based on the multiple misspellings in this letter:
Subject: RE: Hi
Message: The one liners are really getting old. You have yet to answer any question I have asked and have used rude humor. Just for your information, I recently moved back to ______ because my father was diagnosed with lung cancer and most of my belongings are still in storage. Inbetween working and caring for him I've been building a life for myself and posting a picutre has not been my first priority. If you want to see a pictur of me, you can go to jdate. My user name is _________. Good luck to you.
Mystery solved. This is what she was hiding, and why she's having so much difficulty seeing outside of herself. I feel bad for her. But I also know that, until she's got her life in order... she's not ready for the kind of relationship that I want.
I didn't even look her photo up. Instead, I wrote this letter.
Yes, I went into "lecture mode" a bit, which is not effective for "pickup". But this isn't about pickup anymore.
Sender: Scott
Subject: Sorry...
Message: I didn't realize what you must be going through right now. I still can't imagine what it's like for you. My prayers are with you during this difficult time.
When you're at a point in your life where talking to a guy isn't a burden, a little banter can be fun, and you can see that the photo itself was not the point... feel free to email me at ______.
Best of luck.
And I closed the match.
Sometimes, the victory isn't getting the girl. It's keeping yourself safe and sane... and holding out for what you want.
By the way, when I went back to "Closed matches" to copy this transcript, I noticed that she has, since, put up a photo.
And, yes, she is really overweight.
3 comments:
Another thing I find disrespectful is her tactic of trying to draw sympathy. She's never received more than a one-liner from you, and she's dumping an (alleged) father's (alleged) medical condition in your lap? I wonder how the (alleged) father feels about that.
The claim of being "rude" would have earned a sharp flame/smackdown and a quick close from me. That's just crap and I'd have no problem saying so.
I know you think differently on this topic, but I choose not to even consider communicating with anyone who doesn't share pictures from the outset. I close the "Match will share pictures at a later stage" matches immediately, since they have made a definite decision to enter into game-playing. In my early days of membership, I was contacted by a couple of these, and when there were still no pictures at the 2nd Questions stage, I put them on Hold. Both closed me, one giving the whiny excuse about a difference in values. No one has ever replied to a "you have no pictures" close to tell me that the pictures were now available. (Can pictures be enabled on a match-by-match basis? I know that Personality Profiles can.)
I am a little more tolerant of "No Photos" matches, who may be new and still building their profile. After a few days I'll close them too if there's no progress.
I actually like the ones that save their photo for later. It's a win-win situation to me. Many guys, like yourself, will close her out. This is a good filter for her I think, and leaves less competition for me. Usually the photo is disappointing I admit, but I'm talking with a women now who showed her photo after stage 1, and I was very impressed. Since I initiated w/o seeing her photo, I think she's more likely to believe I'm not superficial. I don't consider this game-playing in the slightest. Obviously we're going to see the photos eventually. I think it's a great way on her part to find guys who are willing to put forth the absolute minimum amount of effort. Now this isn't the same as asking a bunch of personal questions and not giving anything in return, or not showing her photo by stage 3 or 4. But I think it's worth answering a few multiple choice questions to see if she posts an awesome photo, assuming her profile isn't retarded. Then if she's ugly, just close her out. Hell, it probably took me longer to write this than it would to get to stage 3 with a match.
I'm sure there can be an occasional positive surprise by dealing with picture-hiders... but I'll bet the success rate with these matches is much much less than normal. (And my "normal" is already low enough.)
Everyone has their own line which separates "being mysterious" from "being a pain in the ass". I think picture-hiders are the latter. Actually I think that if you're not honestly trying to use all of the tools that eHarmony gives you, you're not taking full advantage of it. This includes sharing the personality profile, although since eHarmony doesn't let you see exactly what your matches will see... and most people probably don't know to enable it... it doesn't bother me if a match doesn't share it. Not sharing pictures, on the other hand, really makes me suspect that the person is over-thinking the process. Or wants to play a game with me that I don't want to play.
That's how I see it.
Post a Comment