Communication clinic: Raising the friendly factor

In the comments section, "Uncle Fester" states that a couple of matches have closed him after sending the first open communication letter.

Usually, two closures leaves very little reason to analyze your results. However, in my experience, a woman closing after the first open message is a very rare thing. In fact, since I started my system, it's never happened to me. So, let's see what might be going on here.

Here's one of his messages, in it's entirety.

Hi (her), Finally - past the multiple choice stuff, we can talk like grownups now. Thought I would get off a quick note before heading out to the (local baseball team) game tonight. My weeknights can be somewhat unpredictable, this came together at the last minute.

You mentioned "style" in your Must Have's. Martha Stewart style? Billy Dee Williams style? Hmmm?

It'd be nice to meet or talk sometime but for now, some easier questions... what's the last movie you saw? Are you from this area originally? (Don't worry, almost nobody is) Looking forward to your reply. Off to the game. (me)

I think we have a classic beginner's mistake. I know, because I repeated the same mistake many times. Still do, on occasion.

He's clearly understood one lesson: Don't put her on a pedestal. Make her qualify for you before making any sort of commitment. This may be a change from the way that he pursued women in the past.

But when you're correcting old patterns of behavior, people often overcompensate. And, as a result, they rail about how they're not sold... but miss the "pull" effect of telling her about how you're intrigued.

Let's go over this slowly, shall we?

Here's his pleasantry:

Hi (her), Finally - past the multiple choice stuff, we can talk like grownups now.

As far as pleasantries go... this isn't very pleasant. It dismisses the previous communication, some of which she may have worked hard on answering. That effort does need to be recognized.

If you need to go "double sided" with this statement, you can say something like, "Thanks for going through guided communication with me. I've learned a lot, but, frankly, I'm happy that we can talk like grownups now."

But, frankly, I don't recommend that beginners start with double-sided pleasantries. Start with simple ones, then experiment. That way, you'll know if something isn't working.

Let's move on to the time constraint:

Thought I would get off a quick note before heading out to the (local baseball team) game tonight. My weeknights can be somewhat unpredictable, this came together at the last minute.

Not bad. I think the pickup artist classic of varying the line, "I've got to get back to my friends" might be a little friendlier. It's easier to fault a guy for being a little late for a game than to abandon friends.

Now, "observe and challenge":

You mentioned "style" in your Must Have's. Martha Stewart style? Billy Dee Williams style? Hmmm?

Here's the weakest point. The point of the "observe and challenge" is to pick something interesting that tweaked your interest... and gently challenge her to see if she's for real. But this may come off as challenging the character of a woman for putting something down as a "must-have". So, again, she may be feeling dismissed.

If you are a stylish guy, I might make the similarity more apparent. For example: Hey, I'm glad you appreciate a sense of style. Unless you think that those "I'm with stupid" T-shirts are still stylish... in which case... well... (Okay, I'm not fashion-conscious enough to come up with a subtler fashion faux-pas. But, you get the idea.)

Basically, pick something she likes to talk about, and force her to brag a little more. Or, say that she's not an obsessed fan.

On to planting seeds / asking questions...

It'd be nice to meet or talk sometime but for now, some easier questions... what's the last movie you saw? Are you from this area originally? (Don't worry, almost nobody is)

I'd prefer, "It might be nice" to "It'd be nice". It doesn't put as much pressure on.

I'd also move away from "easier" to "more fun" questions. "Easier" implies you're lowering your standards.

Subtle points? Maybe.

Looking forward to your reply. Off to the game. (me)

In the earlier context... you're fine.

In short, you have standards... and you're not sold yet. But you are appreciating what you've learned, so you're continuing the process.

And if you've shown promise in the earlier phases... she should feel happy about that prospect.

Tomorrow's column will also be late... but I've reached a very good turning point in my life. And I feel a rant coming on...