Awhile ago, I ran into a match that was beginning to look intriguing.
Communication began, and pretty soon, we exchanged our "Must Haves/Can't Stands" lists.
Well, she was the only match that I've ever had who put "Can't stand someone who watches pornography" on her list.
And that struck me as unusual.
Certainly, there are some major issues that could be put on such a list... this seems like a small one.
No, I'm not into pornography. That wasn't an issue for me. But my mind raced. Why would she choose that as a can't stand? Does she have some problems with sexuality that I don't want to deal with?
It puzzled me.
So what did I do about it?
I ignored it.
Why?
Because, in the end... you don't need to answer every potential problem before the first meeting.
During the first few dates... all you can figure out is if you like each other, and if you have chemistry. And one of the surest ways to kill those things... is to ask intrusive questions too early.
So, I kept it in the back of my mind... but I left it there.
Eventually (several dates later), I mentioned that I thought it was odd. Not that it was a problem, but it just seemed unusual. I never got a definite answer as to why. But she did mention that several men had questioned her about it before meeting her. And she always closed them without any further discussion.
I never found out the answer... but discovered that my concerns about her sexual appetite or hangups were completely unwarranted.
She eventually did fall by the wayside of women who were "close, but not quite right"... but sexual hangups had nothing to do with it.
The moral? Take everything a step at a time. Don't jump to conclusions. And don't try to "figure things out" too fast.
Because, when you do that... you're killing the chemistry that's so critical during the first dates. And you'll be rejecting people for the wrong reasons.
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4 comments:
I have a similar thing going on in reverse right now. Two of my MH's or CS's refer to being punctual and organized. As I've said before, I believe that providing 10 MH's and 10 CS's (that your matches will see as being of apparently equal priority) forces you to provide information that can kill attraction. Someone who's consistently late is an annoyance after a while. But is it a real Can't Stand - a true deal breaker? No. It also seems to me that some women will obsess over every single CS, remembering times where she's probably been a little bit of everything.
A match has written her first OC to me with the comment that she can be late and disorganized sometimes, she is trying to improve, and due to these things worries that we may not be compatible. (There's also a religion concern, which I also think is overstated at this time.)
I'm trying to think of a way to reply that tells her that yes, I understand what her concerns are. But that I think she's headed down the same road I was at first - expecting the "science" of eHarmony to find a perfect match, analyzing every MH/CS, expecting every possible difference to be resolved before the initial meeting. We're probably pretty similar, and I'm just a little bit ahead of her in "getting" what the eHarmony game is all about.
But I think ignoring her well-written concerns (she did open OC after all... didn't just blow me off like most of them do) is probably the wrong approach in this case.
... And, why do you think that she's so nervous about whether she's meeting your standards?
Because she's interested. (Otherwise... she wouldn't care.)
Good job!
(And I think you're right - incorporating a little reassurance into your first letter might be a good idea. Don't overdo it... but I don't think you will.)
There is some interest, or at least the courtesy to reply. Which is nice. But she is also quite clear about a narrow religious preference (which is close to, but not identical to, my own). In her first OC she's already stated how she expects to be married and raise children in her faith, no two ways about it. (Would even adopt and go the single-mom route if needed, she says.) She says she's tightened down her matching preferences around this, to the point where I would not even be matched with her now, and her pool going forward will be even smaller than yours is.
Her stated goals are clear and well thought-out. They are so strong that I wonder why she didn't close me out. (Perhaps she has just enough interest in me, not to have closed right away.) But she's put the cart way before the horse when it comes to using eHarmony. So this will be tricky. My first draft of a reply wrote about how she should use eHarmony as a tool to broaden her circle, blah blah blah. But I don't think I should give a lecture...
As I wrote yesterday, all this is changing the way I think about people. I think I'm viewing this woman as a "goal", as resistance to be overcome, a contest to be won. Like I'm trying to sell a used car. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
Okay, that's bad. Bad things happen when you look at women as "targets".
And thanks for the detail. She may be being polite... or she may be unsure.
Is this someone you want to continue with, knowing that this might be an issue?
If so, lectures aren't going to be helpful. A sense of humor might.
Think about it. You've exchanged a little bit of information, and she's asking if you're going to marry her and provide her with children? Like, maybe, you might actually want to get to know her first?
Laugh about it. It's really funny. Not a sarcastic laugh. Not an angry laugh. Wait until you're genuinely amused.
Then write her back. Personally, I'd tease her about it.
That would be my approach.
And don't care about the result. If she doesn't go for the teasing... you have your answer.
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