You've heard me say it over and over again - make them work to meet your approval.
It's been good advice for me. And it doesn't only apply to eHarmony.
I remember, a few months ago, I was having some problems at my job, and set up meetings with other employers.
In the old days, when I prepared for an interview, I approached the situation like I approached my dates. I obsessed over if I looked "right". I answered every question in a way that wasn't going to cause offense. And I didn't ask many questions.
Yup. I was the average chump of the job interview. And I always underperformed. Not because I'm a bad employee - but because people don't feel comfortable when a guy is obviously hiding who he is and what he wants.
Last time, it changed. I dressed appropriately, but didn't make a huge fuss. I relaxed in my chair. When I was asked questions, I answered them... and turned them into my own tests for the prospective employer. And in the end, I wanted to make them worry if they were meeting my standards.
It worked like a charm. When I refused their offer (I ended up settling things with the old employer), they begged me to reconsider.
But that's not the life event that led to this rant.
Yesterday, I was in a big legal settlement conference. We met three other times, with absolutely no progress. The case had gone on for five years - much longer than it rightly should have. But those who are familiar with protracted legal cases know - if someone wants to be unreasonable, it takes a very long time to end.
In the previous conferences, I banged my head, trying to seem like I was being reasonable - only to have my reasonable offers summarily rejected. Leading to more rounds of evidence gathering, and more legal fees.
Yesterday, I turned it around.
I told them - you're here to settle with me. I've been living with the legal case for years - and I can do it for longer, if need be. But, I'm an American - if I can do it faster and cheaper, I will. It's up to them.
I summarily rejected their unreasonably high, unjustified offers, countering them with unreasonably low ones.
When they started slowing down - I threatened to walk away from a mediated settlement forever. Even the mediator, a professional psychologist, believed my sincerity. And got very nervous.
They blew a gasket. Their next offer was still unreasonable... but gave a subtle hint as to something that they wanted.
I caught the subtle hint. I offered that thing - and only that thing. And I demanded a lot of concessions from them in return.
Their lawyer blew a gasket. And they gave me a "fuzzy numbers" case for why my offer was worse than the lowball offers that I provided.
I stood my ground. I told them that I felt that I was making a great offer. I was willing to give them what they really wanted. And I could give it to them now (at a price)... or we can drag this out in pre-trial for a few more years.
You guessed it. They wanted it to end more than I did.
They took the settlement. Me and my lawyer walked away smiling and joking, with my lawyer commenting on how we did much better than he expected. They went home with scowls on their faces, mumbling about how I "cheated" them.
But it comes down to the simple rule. In dating, on interviews, in the law, and in life...
The winner is the guy who has what the other person wants... but can afford to walk away.
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1 comment:
As a way of showing indifference, and as a clear alternative to begging a match to respond, what is your opinion on being quick to close slow movers? Making them demonstrate interest by delivering an ultimatum, which requires them to ask to be re-opened. It's drastic to be sure.
After this weekend, I think I'm going to boot several matches to the curb. Half of these initiated communication, but upon reaching the stages that require actual thought and effort (2nd Questions or real OC), they've all gone stone cold. Elsewhere, I wrote about closing one of these matches a couple of weeks ago - she requested re-opening, but after doing so it required a Nudge to get her 2nd Answers, and she's been unwilling to start OC for another several days now.
You've analyzed one of my OC letters and while you made some subtle observations (which I've used), I don't think I come across as a flat-out jerk. Or a pushover either.
As my subscription ends next week, I really have decided that the women I'm being matched with are just plain nuts. I've noticed some common themes in their profiles:
- All say they like to hike (but none had anything more to say about it, even when I ask).
- All write about sense of humor (in themselves and in their man) instead of anything more substantial.
- All claim to be shy (either as the first thing people notice, or as the thing they wish more people would notice beneath the surface).
Put together, I've concluded that these traits must be a formula for a woman who's on eHarmony but terrified of the process. Simply unwilling to demonstrate real interest in a man, even anonymously. And no amount of coaxing, teasing or dropping of hints will bring these women out. Based on my experience, your techniques simply fail with them. But I'm not sure that anything will succeed...
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