From the Labs: Mirror, Mirror - a key to chemistry?

Yesterday, we talked about one potential component of chemistry - being idealizable.

But, that's not enough. There are a lot of people who hold up, and stand by standards. But holding up a standard, alone, makes a person look inflexible and immature. And there are other social needs to be met.

Another social need that Kohut described was that of "Mirroring". And it balances the aspects of idealization that may make someone look harsh and impossible to please.

Basically, you can't be harsh all the time.

You have to be observant. Notice what's special about her. And let her know that you appreciate it.

You can't just gush about the obvious. That's placating, and women can smell that from a mile away.

You have to notice things that aren't obvious or common.

And, yes, the pickup artist community has many techniques that simulate the mirroring process. Cold reads. Pet names. Escalating after she qualifies for you. They can be fun, but you're losing out if you don't take opportunities to mirror outside of these structured interactions as well.

Of course, you can take this too far as well. This shouldn't be an act. If you don't like something, don't pretend that you do, just to mirror. And, if you're having trouble mirroring... well, why are you hanging around anyway?

And, yes, if all you do is mirror, you look like a needy suck-up. You need the other aspects as well.

But, when you're successful, she'll appreciate your observations. Maybe bask a little. Or do them more. Or reciprocate with compliments of her own.

They're signs that the mirroring is taking hold. And the chemistry, at least from this aspect, is starting.

And, yes. There's one more potential aspect of chemistry... and it's coming next.