From the labs: What makes someone special?

So, you're having a decent time on the date. There aren't any signs that she's violating your "must haves/can't stands", and she's not indicating that you're tripping any of hers. Thanks to eHarmony, you're finding that you're getting along okay.

Logically, everything should be okay. Where's the sense of attraction?

Well, as pickup artists, and even eHarmony has noticed, chemistry is not usually a result of these things. As famous pick-up artist David DeAngelo points out so succinctly: "Attraction is not a choice."

But, pickup artists have noticed some things that help the process. And, yes, they've proposed psychological theories as to why they work.

But, as an incorrigible psychology geek, and therapy patient who's recognized these forces at play in his own life, I began to notice some different patterns. That the same psychological needs that played out in my therapy were ones that were also being "tweaked" by the pickup artist community. (Which is not to say that it's manipulative. I think that these same processes are unavoidable in "natural" interactions as well. Education just makes us more conscious of them.)

These psychological needs seem to be very basic. I'm sure there are more of them. And I'm sure that I, as well as other people in the community, will continue to refine this model.

The first need is what the analyst Heinz Kohut put forth as "Idealization".

Basically, it's the social need to have someone in your life to look up to. A powerful father-figure, if you will.

Pickup artists "tweak" this need with a lot of things. Social proofs. DHVs. Qualifiers and disqualifiers. Negs. Management of shit-tests. The "cocky" part of being "cocky and funny".

Essentially, tricks to demonstrate social status and dominance.

But there are other things that women idealize as well. And every woman is different in the qualities that they idealize.

When do you know that a woman's starting to idealize you?

She'll be giving you genuine compliments.

Accept them. Tell her that you appreciate her noticing. And let her stare doey-eyed at you for awhile.

But it's important to notice what a woman idealizes about you. And see if you really want to carry the qualities that she idealizes.

But, yes, almost all women want a man that they can idealize, to some degree. And, in my opinion, building this is often a crucial component to building chemistry.

Is that enough to build chemistry?

No. Idealization alone puts you in another category. People who are only idealizable tend to be seen as domineering, intolerant, bullying jerks. Very few women want to be around someone who is so rigid.

It's important to be idealizable, but other forces need to be present as well.

We'll talk about another basic need tomorrow.