What are you looking for?

Another frequently-emailed question that I receive are variants of the same question:

"I'm looking for a serious relationship on eHarmony. When should I say this?"

"I'm not sure if I want a serious relationship, but the people who subscribe to eHarmony can be really serious. When should I let people know?"

I haven't really done much experimentation with how to reveal what I'm looking for in a relationship. I pretty much started with what I'm doing now, and never really looked for another way. But, I can talk about what I do.

The first question you should ask yourself is, "Why is this information important"?

If you approached a lot of women out of the blue, saying, "Hey, I want to have a wife and kids - how about you?", or "Hey, babe, I'm only interested in a physical relationship", most women will think you're a little strange.

It's like going to an auto dealership, with a salesman who insists that you buy a car right now at an "amazingly low price", even though you don't know anything about the car that you're buying.

If you're going to come to a discussion about "terms of payment", you have to be interested in the product first. Because, if you don't show interest, a discussion about the "deal" you're willing to make... it just seems strange.

So, no. I'm just answering Dr. Warren's profile questions in a manner that will generate interest. Except for my brief answer for the quality I'm most looking for (which isn't the willingness to settle down - that's common and easy to find), I don't talk about what I'm looking for at all.

It's up to her to show interest.

And, yes, if she asks me what I'm looking for in communication, I'll answer. There's no reason to hide that information. (And I'm happy that she's interested enough to ask.)

So, if she doesn't mention it, when do I?

I'll do it on the phone.

As I've mentioned, one of my favorite phone questions is, "So... what made you decide to start on eHarmony?"

Yes, it puts her on the defensive a little. She has to say why she's not a social reject who can only find guys online. She'll usually respond with what she's looking for, and how she sees eHarmony as helping that.

Reciprocate. At this point, passing each other's tests feels good. And you've at least introduced the subject to see if you're at least (generally) looking for the same things.

One final note? If you aren't looking for a serious relationship... there are a lot of women (who are) that assume that men are. And they can get angry when they hear that they've wasted communication time with a guy who isn't looking for a serious relationship.

If you care about this (and you may not), then I'd put what you're looking for in the profile.