From the Labs: Chemistry and Twinship

In the last two columns, we talked about my (rather budding) theory that chemistry often occurs when people provide combinations of being idealizable, and provide mirroring experiences. These are powerful social needs for many people. And people feel good when they're provided - in balance.

There's another social need that Kohut described. He called this "twinship".

Twinship is the experience of being with someone who understands what you're experiencing, and who shares your experience with you.

And, yes, many pickup artist techniques also serve to simulate a twinship experience. Mental magic tricks. Reading body language. Picking up IOI's, and knowing when to reciprocate. NLP mirroring techniques.

But, again, you shouldn't restrict providing twinship to just these techniques. Go ahead. Say things that are just "on the tip of her tongue". When it's appropriate, don't be afraid to say that you're sharing the feelings and emotions that you think she has.

But don't get carried away. You don't want to SAY you understand or share things that you don't. You also deserve to find someone who shares your experiences. Don't cheat yourself in the process of trying to get a "successful seduction". As I will always repeat - the goal of this is your mutual happiness with someone, not certainty of an outcome with a specific person.

But twinship, combined with idealization and mirroring, can stir powerful emotions.

For both of you.

And those emotions? I call 'em chemistry.

At least, until someone finds a better theory.