But, sometimes, even with the techniques that I've discussed, people can sometimes be rigid.
They usually aren't, and you usually don't need to pick up these tools. They're meant to be last-ditch efforts for people who aren't expressing any ambivalence, despite the use of reflective techniques.
Here are some last-ditch tools that may help in getting someone to admit that their plan might have some flaws:
- Ask them, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how sure are you that..." It's rare that they'll pick 10. Ask them why not. Then start reflecting that ambivalence.
- Take an extreme version of their position. If you use this technique, it's very important for you to deliver the line in a deadpan, matter-of-fact manner, without any hint of sarcasm. For example, in my case where the woman was resisting going to a picnic lunch, I might have sad, "And the only reason a guy might have a picnic is to put them in a dangerous place." (I didn't, but this is an example.) They'll usually start arguing against the extreme. Again, reflect on the ambivalence that she's now expressing.
- Gently ask for ambivalence. "Do you see any problems with...?", "Does anything worry you about....?", "Any hassles you see in....?", "Any disadvantages in....", "What would be the bad things about....?". Go cautiously here - but, sometimes, it can work.
What do you do now that she's unsure?
We'll talk about that on Monday.
2 comments:
Scott,
Perhaps this is my own personality causing me to react to this technique, but I can't imagine myself ever taking your approach.
Any woman that makes me have to resort to such Jedi Mind Tricks seems like too much work to me. In the first place, if she has this much concern for her safety, it's a good sign that she is not a good fit for me: a woman that is afraid to meet me in a highly populated public park in broad daylight is too risk averse for me. Second, if I still wanted to meet her after she expressed her concerns, I would probably tell her my honest opinion but agree to meet her on her terms with lowered expectations that anything is ever going to come of it. Third, I am so easy-going (to a fault) that I don't have to feel like I win in situations like this. My personality is to go with the flow. I am not an alpha male, am never going to be, and don't really want to be.
In fact, I did have a match that turned me down on mountain biking in a very public place last winter. We ended up meeting for dinner instead and went out after that a couple of times. But, my initial instinct was correct. We were not a good match, personality-wise. She was a nice person, but not really my cup of tea.
HWF
These techniques? They're just another set of tools. This set, in particular, is one that I'll almost never use. (But I figured readers want to know they're there, because they're not used to just how useful it is to reflect and empathize, rather than argue.)
When (or if) to use any tool is always a judgment call... You don't want another case of "Overgamed and underqualified".
And I think you've inspired me to explain how I really DID resolve things with that woman... and the backstory that explains why. I imagine I'll have that up on Tuesday. (I'll wrap the series on Monday.)
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