eHarmony? Don't hate the PUAs...

Yesterday, I wrote about how many pick-up artists make snap judgements against eHarmony.

But, I'm not done yet. I need to even the balance.

Turns out, eHarmony, itself, is making snap judgements about the pick-up community.

I'm all for educated, well-reasoned criticism and debate. However, when eHarmony wrote this article, I truly believe that they didn't do a very good job in familiarizing themselves with the pick-up artist community. (And, sometimes, I wonder if the authors of this article felt that they needed to learn anything about the community that was not on VH1's "The Pickup Artist".)

And, in fact, in their criticism, they portray the community as something very different from what it is.

Let's cut to their criticisms, shall we?

eHarmony Myth: "The pick-up artists . . . encourage guys to adopt a real-world character [referred to in the article as an "Avatar"] that's smooth, honed and based on a lot of made-up stories told to impress the ladies."


Fact: eHarmony's interpretation of the "Avatar" concept is a gross misrepresentation.

It's based on a sound principle that I've stated many times in my blog.

When you meet someone for the first time, they usually decide very quickly whether or not they're attracted to you. It's simply not enough time to give your full life's story.

So, what can you do?

You can give them a taste of what's intriguing. And you do this with your appearance and your stories.

Yes, pick-up artists do exchange grooming ideas. And they exchange fun stories, conversation topics and games that can be shared with someone. (In fact, eHarmony does the same things in their advice columns. But their "spices" are usually pretty lame, in my humble opinion...)

But they also pay attention to the concepts of "calibration" and "congruence". They actively recognize that these "tricks" need to fit within your personality, or they don't work. Period.

And, yes, "The Pickup Artist" gave one good example of this.

During the wardrobe building exercise, a 40+ year old man tried to dress as a 20 year old hip-hop guy.

And, yes, they quickly told him that that would not work. And suggested a more sophisticated, mature, and, yes, attractive and congruent appearance. Which validated his true age and life experience.

Let's move on.

eHarmony Myth: "At what point will it get tiresome to impress someone with lies, when you're just dying to talk about Monty Python or J.R.R. Tolkien? Playing a role when meeting women is a real roadblock to true relationship success."

Fact: Again, I think there's some confusion here. The first one deals with the "Fake Avatar" myth that we've already dealt with. But, do pickup artists display more than their avatars?

Of course, they do.

Once the attraction is firmly established, pick-up artists enter a new phase that was not discussed in the VH1 series. It's called "Comfort Building".

This is the phase where you start to reveal more about yourself. And ask for her to do so as well.

And, yes, you have to be real.

It's an important phase. Pick-up artists recognize it. But you don't do it until she's showing interest, and ready to reciprocate.

Common sense, really.

eHarmony Myth: "In their books, lectures and TV appearances, the pick-up artists almost exclusively equate 'dating field' with 'night club.' But look around at the happy couples in your own life-many of them probably met while in a college organization together, or through friends at a birthday party, or online at eHarmony!

Fact: Hmm... they must have missed the volumes that have been written on "day game".

Yes, the Pickup Artist community started in the bars. And continues to train in them.

It's a target of convenience. To get good at a skill, you need a lot of practice.

In a bar, you can approach 100 women a week, and it won't get weird. You just can't approach that many women at birthday parties or other social events.

No pickup artist says, "You must go to bars and bars ONLY."

They just see it as a good place to meet a lot of women, and develop one's skill.

eHarmony Myth: "Most pick-up artists lay out a quasi-anthropological theory about attraction, that our dating impulses stem from 40,000 year old factors, and that the 'desirable' woman is attractive, whereas the 'undesirable woman' is not lovable simple because she's not as attractive."

Fact: Okay, some pick-up artists are shallow. But, certainly, not all of them.

In fact, as most guys become socially adept, they recognize that this is a trap. That, as a desperate average chump, we place beautiful women on a pedestal, and assume they're smart, fun, and great to be with.

But, as they become skilled, and start to interact with women of beauty... they usually learn that this is not always true. And the old-fashioned pickup chestnut of, "Beauty is common... tell me, what makes you special?" becomes the pick-up artist's reality.

The "arts?" They're just a set of skills. They were never meant to help a guy decide who's right for them... they just make more women available.

So... why does eHarmony write articles that (wrongly) criticize the pick-up artist community? I don't know. In the end, they're just guys who are trying to open their options, and improve their social skills.

Why is that a threat?

P.S. As a courtesy, I did leave a comment on eHarmony's article, indicating the presence of my response. And, of course, they were (and still are) welcome to respond in my comment section.

Well, their article is still up. But my comment is not.

I guess only one of us is willing to engage in intelligent debate...