Don't argue - Seek understanding.

Clearly, explaining your position in a disagreement is a bad thing. Because it draws a line in the sand. And it can make a woman argue her side even harder and more forcefully.

So, what's the alternative?

Don't talk about "your side". Make her explain hers.

In studies of motivational interviewing, people who are successful in changing other people's actions and decisions don't spend much time explaining why they want a person to act differently.

Instead, they spend over 90% of their time doing something else.

They reflect upon what the other person is saying.

They repeat key phrases. They try to expand upon what the other person is trying to say. They don't criticize, nor do they completely agree. They just try to make sure they have a good picture of what the other person is saying, and they check to see if they're explaining the other person's thoughts, feelings, and beliefs accurately.

It's a great start to a discussion. You're not drawing battle lines. You're working together to understand the source of the conflict.

And, in the end, she will usually want to help you do that.

So, how can this lead to her changing her position?

We'll get to that next.