Influence Power Tool #1: Reflecting their ambivalence

In our last two articles, we've uncovered two principles that motivational interviewers have discovered in helping someone agree to your side in a relationship conflict.

The principles I've put forth so far?

• Don't try to logically argue. It makes them take up their side even harder.
• Spend your energies on getting her to explain her side. Make sure you understand it, and that she knows you understand it.

And, I'm sure that a lot of you, at this point are going, "So, how does that get her to change her mind?"

The key is, she isn't feeling like she's defending her position. She's just explaining it, and helping you to understand.

And, when she isn't so defensive, she won't state her case as strongly. She won't act as certain.

And, most of the time, she'll start to express some uncertainty.

Once she starts to express her own uncertainty, you're in a place where you can better negotiate your differences.

So, once you have her in a place where she's expressing uncertainty, what can you do to help her consider other possibilities?

Here are a few tips:

• Continue doing what you're doing. Try to understand (and help her understand) her own uncertainty.
• If she's starting to bring up problems with her plan, gently ask for more. ("Any other problems you see with this?")
• If she's bringing up alternatives, express interest. And continue to help her understand what she's thinking in terms of these alternatives.
  
• A stock phrase that's useful? "So, on one hand, (reasons for her position)... but on the other hand (reasons she's not so sure about her position)"

But, what if you keep talking, and she still expresses absolutely no uncertainty?

And how do you start to introduce your ideas into the discussion?

We'll talk about those soon.