The argument trap

In my last "mental game" article, I mentioned the importance of not needing a good outcome from anybody.

Because, in the end, there are no magic tricks. In the end, you choose who you decide to pursue. And women will choose who they pursue. And nothing will prevent a woman from, ultimately, deciding that you're not right for her.

But, there are some things that will help facilitate her choices.

As I've mentioned, I'm a bit of a psychology geek. And one "up-and-coming" area of research is that of "motivational interviewing" - a method of helping people to make decisions that they need to make to improve their lives. Certainly, it's a great area of research. There are a lot of people who need someone to facilitate making positive changes in their lives - including addictions, and improving their health.

And, yes, there are parallels in the dating realm.

But, before I talk about what does work, let's talk about the things these researchers say about what doesn't.

Because it's very easy to do these things. The most common error? It's something that I call, "The Argument trap".

It's where someone states their objection. You counter by taking the other side of that objection.

As a result, she has to argue her side further. And, as a result, you need to entrench yourself further in your side.

And in the end - you're both entrenched in your sides. A compromise becomes nigh-impossible, as is any progression in a relationship.

Sometimes, when there are real issues, this is the best outcome. But, a lot of times, the disagreement could have been much better handled.

Let's take a recent situation out of my dating life - and how it might have been argued out if the wrong steps were taken. We had planned a first meet-up in a popular forest preserve for fall foliage, and, in the beginning, she seemed really excited about it. Really excited. As in, "Oh boy. I'm a real sucker for things like this."

But, a few days before the event, she sends an email - saying that she feels uncomfortable meeting someone from the internet at in the forest - and suggests a restaurant at a small town nearby.

Here's what could have happened, but fortunately, didn't.

Me: I dunno. I've never been to that restaurant. And it's in a town where there's nothing to do after lunch. Besides, you've got no reason to feel unsafe - the park is going to be crowded. So it'll still be safe. I still think the forest would be better.

Her: Well, it sounds nice... but it's just not a good place for a first date. I just don't feel comfortable meeting you there yet.

Me: Well, why don't you feel comfortable? It's not like we're in the back country. It's a popular tourist destination. There will be a lot of people there. I don't see why it's any less safe than a restaurant, and it'll be a lot more fun than meeting in a dull place in a dull town.

Her: I can't have fun if I don't feel safe. And I don't feel safe meeting someone in a forest. So, do you want to meet at the restaurant, or forget about the whole thing?

And, at this point, I'm now stuck between two bad choices. I can meet with her at a place of her choosing (a sure-fire attraction-killer), or forgetting the whole thing.

As I've said, arguments rarely work. And they usually force people into their trenches.

So, what are some alternatives?

We continue tomorrow...