A lot of guys, despite my advice, just can't seem to get themselves out of a failure spiral - that self-perpetuating cycle where guys feel that they are doing badly, try even harder to get women's attention, do worse... and so forth.
First of all, take a breath. And take stock of your successes.
Did you get any dates from your eHarmony experience?
If so, it's not a failure. According to most surveys of "online dating" subscribers, most people who subscribe to these services don't even land one date. So... if you even landed one, you did better than most. And, if you didn't... well, that makes you normal.
But the biggest problem you're facing? It's the pressure. The internal need to be "successful", or whatever that means to you. And that attitude will hurt your ability to meet people on eHarmony.
And if you just can't get over that feeling... it may be time for a break.
But, if you take a break - make it a total break. Stop trying to meet women.
Make yourself a social calendar. Try to find something fun to do every day. And do it for you. Not to meet women.
Try picking up a few new interests. You may like them, or you may not. Just try them.
Treat yourself well. Eat food that you enjoy - not just food that you choke down. Buy yourself nice clothes. Consider working out - People feel better when they work out regularly.
And just try to build an active social life.
Yes, if you do this, you'll run into women.
That's fine. Just talk to them like normal people. Don't try to get anything from them other than conversation. (And if they don't want to talk to you? That's fine. Leave 'em alone.)
When five women want to meet with you (romantically or not) outside of the situation where you've met... you're probably in the right frame of mind to return to the dating field.
Sure... there are lots of "programs" to meet women. Other online services. Singles groups. Speed-dating. I could name a million of them.
But none of these will solve the "gotta-have-it's".
And when you've got the attitude of needy desperation... it's extremely hard to attract healthy people.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
When you're NOT a hottie...
Yes, I know. There are a lot of readers who have little sympathy for the problems that I've shared yesterday.
Their looks are not 8's. Or even 6's.
I know how difficult that can be. During my early days on eHarmony, I used pictures that (later) were tested on Hot or Not as 5's and below.
Yes, it was a pretty dismal start. And, yes, most matches would close me because of "Other", or "Because the chemistry isn't there."
The best way to fix this problem? Do a style makeover. Male attractiveness depends much more upon style, grooming, and hygiene than anything else. My appearance improved tremendously when I started to take better care of myself, and tried taking a few risks with my personal style.
But, for some guys, it may not be possible. I imagine that some guys have been disfigured by a shotgun blast to the face. Or they've been involved in a train wreck, and they've needed 18 surgeries to be able to drink from a straw again.
Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit. But, perhaps, for some readers, improving your looks to a 6 or 7 (a 7 will give you better results, in my experience) may not be possible.
I can't say that I've had personal experience in turning results around when I rated less than a 6. However, after listening to other forums and our own Google group, there have been a few strategies suggested to mitigate the problem.
The first strategy? Put the pictures up anyway. Accept the rejections. A lot of women are closed-minded to meeting people they don't consider good-looking. Let 'em close. At least you'll be spending your energy on the people who will want to meet with you.
Another strategy that's emerged... is the opposite.
Have pictures available. But don't show them until they ask for 'em in open communication.
If they give you a picture nudge? That's fine. People following this strategy ignore picture nudges.
In a way, this strategy makes sense. Some women will reject a guy who isn't providing photos... but these were unlikely to be accepting the photos that he'd be able to provide, anyway. And when a woman has put some effort into maintaining communication with a guy, she's less likely to reject him quickly.
Which strategy do you prefer? It depends on your beliefs, and the efforts that you're willing to make.
But, unfortunately, even online, looks do make a difference.
I wish that wasn't true. But, my experience says otherwise.
Their looks are not 8's. Or even 6's.
I know how difficult that can be. During my early days on eHarmony, I used pictures that (later) were tested on Hot or Not as 5's and below.
Yes, it was a pretty dismal start. And, yes, most matches would close me because of "Other", or "Because the chemistry isn't there."
The best way to fix this problem? Do a style makeover. Male attractiveness depends much more upon style, grooming, and hygiene than anything else. My appearance improved tremendously when I started to take better care of myself, and tried taking a few risks with my personal style.
But, for some guys, it may not be possible. I imagine that some guys have been disfigured by a shotgun blast to the face. Or they've been involved in a train wreck, and they've needed 18 surgeries to be able to drink from a straw again.
Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit. But, perhaps, for some readers, improving your looks to a 6 or 7 (a 7 will give you better results, in my experience) may not be possible.
I can't say that I've had personal experience in turning results around when I rated less than a 6. However, after listening to other forums and our own Google group, there have been a few strategies suggested to mitigate the problem.
The first strategy? Put the pictures up anyway. Accept the rejections. A lot of women are closed-minded to meeting people they don't consider good-looking. Let 'em close. At least you'll be spending your energy on the people who will want to meet with you.
Another strategy that's emerged... is the opposite.
Have pictures available. But don't show them until they ask for 'em in open communication.
If they give you a picture nudge? That's fine. People following this strategy ignore picture nudges.
In a way, this strategy makes sense. Some women will reject a guy who isn't providing photos... but these were unlikely to be accepting the photos that he'd be able to provide, anyway. And when a woman has put some effort into maintaining communication with a guy, she's less likely to reject him quickly.
Which strategy do you prefer? It depends on your beliefs, and the efforts that you're willing to make.
But, unfortunately, even online, looks do make a difference.
I wish that wasn't true. But, my experience says otherwise.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
When YOU'RE the hottie...
It's been an interesting trip since I've been back on eHarmony.
Faithful readers of my blog have noticed the advice that I give other people in improving their pictures and style. And, yes, I practice what I preach. Even when I'm not on eHarmony.
So, when I returned to the service a month ago, I noticed something different about how women were responding to my usual challenging playfulness.
They just weren't taking it as well as they used to. And I was getting quite a few closures.
"Okay...", I asked myself, "what changed?"
The advertising pitch didn't change.
My profile didn't change.
The things I did to tease 'em didn't change.
My pictures were the only things that changed.
Well, I ran my pictures on Hot or Not. I thought that they were better than the ones I used before, and my friends agreed. But, I wanted to see if that difference was measurable.
It was. Apparently, I'm now an 8+. Before, I struggled to get in the low 7's.
Since that's the only thing that changed... I'm thinking that must be it.
I guess there's a big difference between an OK looking guy teasing a woman... and a good looking guy doing the teasing. It's easier to take it the wrong way when the guy is good-looking, I suppose.
So, yes, I've been recalibrating. Showing just a little more interest. Fluffing them up just a little bit more than I used to.
I'll keep you guys posted on the results.
But, for those guys lucky enough to be in the 8+ range... be careful with the teasing. Women can be fragile, especially when the teasing comes from a hot guy.
Bitten Chick adds:
I love a man who is playful, charming and coy -- and those are some of my favorite personal traits as well. But witty banter can be tricky with someone whom you've just met, especially in the arena of an online dating website where fragile egos and self-confidence issues abound. If you'll forgive the metaphor, think of your matches as unique and mysterious flowers. Some can stand up to a mighty wind and then intoxicate you (poppies, anyone?) and some get their petals knocked askew at the slightest breeze. Women love a strong, confident man so I wouldn't recommend handling everyone with kid gloves, but gaging the situation before you strike with your witty words is a good starting point.
That's where what Scott said really comes into play, because teasing definitely has different connotations depending on who's behind it. If an Average Joe and a Sexy Sam delivered the same line of banter, it's very likely that Joe may be considered humorous and charming, and Sam may be viewed as being condescending or cocky. There's a certain level of assuredness and confidence that comes from feeling attractive, and likewise, feeling less attractive than someone whom you're interacting with can make you feel awkward and shy. I asked a friend the other day who his celebrity crushes were and he blurted out: "Lucy Lawless from Zena, Warrior Princess!" Then I asked if he would ever talk to her if he saw her somewhere, and he said that it would be much too intimidating to approach someone whom he found so attractive. In the world of online dating, our computers offer us that welcome divide where it's easier to be bold and playful. But the object is to transition that digital wordplay into real life.
So remember that old adage about catching more flies with honey than vinegar. In the best dating recipes, honey makes things sweet at first, and then vinegar gives things a spicy kick. Just like getting the best pictures for your profile takes effort and finesse, so do those first interactions. Being a hottie doesn't mean that you should "burn" your "matches", so be careful when you play with fire! ;-)
Faithful readers of my blog have noticed the advice that I give other people in improving their pictures and style. And, yes, I practice what I preach. Even when I'm not on eHarmony.
So, when I returned to the service a month ago, I noticed something different about how women were responding to my usual challenging playfulness.
They just weren't taking it as well as they used to. And I was getting quite a few closures.
"Okay...", I asked myself, "what changed?"
The advertising pitch didn't change.
My profile didn't change.
The things I did to tease 'em didn't change.
My pictures were the only things that changed.
Well, I ran my pictures on Hot or Not. I thought that they were better than the ones I used before, and my friends agreed. But, I wanted to see if that difference was measurable.
It was. Apparently, I'm now an 8+. Before, I struggled to get in the low 7's.
Since that's the only thing that changed... I'm thinking that must be it.
I guess there's a big difference between an OK looking guy teasing a woman... and a good looking guy doing the teasing. It's easier to take it the wrong way when the guy is good-looking, I suppose.
So, yes, I've been recalibrating. Showing just a little more interest. Fluffing them up just a little bit more than I used to.
I'll keep you guys posted on the results.
But, for those guys lucky enough to be in the 8+ range... be careful with the teasing. Women can be fragile, especially when the teasing comes from a hot guy.
Bitten Chick adds:
I love a man who is playful, charming and coy -- and those are some of my favorite personal traits as well. But witty banter can be tricky with someone whom you've just met, especially in the arena of an online dating website where fragile egos and self-confidence issues abound. If you'll forgive the metaphor, think of your matches as unique and mysterious flowers. Some can stand up to a mighty wind and then intoxicate you (poppies, anyone?) and some get their petals knocked askew at the slightest breeze. Women love a strong, confident man so I wouldn't recommend handling everyone with kid gloves, but gaging the situation before you strike with your witty words is a good starting point.
That's where what Scott said really comes into play, because teasing definitely has different connotations depending on who's behind it. If an Average Joe and a Sexy Sam delivered the same line of banter, it's very likely that Joe may be considered humorous and charming, and Sam may be viewed as being condescending or cocky. There's a certain level of assuredness and confidence that comes from feeling attractive, and likewise, feeling less attractive than someone whom you're interacting with can make you feel awkward and shy. I asked a friend the other day who his celebrity crushes were and he blurted out: "Lucy Lawless from Zena, Warrior Princess!" Then I asked if he would ever talk to her if he saw her somewhere, and he said that it would be much too intimidating to approach someone whom he found so attractive. In the world of online dating, our computers offer us that welcome divide where it's easier to be bold and playful. But the object is to transition that digital wordplay into real life.
So remember that old adage about catching more flies with honey than vinegar. In the best dating recipes, honey makes things sweet at first, and then vinegar gives things a spicy kick. Just like getting the best pictures for your profile takes effort and finesse, so do those first interactions. Being a hottie doesn't mean that you should "burn" your "matches", so be careful when you play with fire! ;-)
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Anatomy of a scam - The messages
So, she's hooked a hapless, mirror-hungry guy with a great photo and some vague prose. How does our scammer start her approach?
She starts with a fast track:
Clearly, English is not this woman's strong suit. But she does do a few things right. She starts with a list of hobbies that almost anyone will find something in common with (a kinship trick.) She amplifies the fact that she's ready to mirror her "special guy" - she indicates that she's interested in his profile, and she's looking for someone to "love and have... love me back", indicating that she'd relocate to be with someone like that. And, finally, she justifies going to email.
Of course, these lines will only work on the mildly desparate - the people who are most desperate for mirroring. For a woman of even average self-esteem, a guy who said these things would be labelled as desperately sucking up.
And, she left a rather vague request for a response. Which is good, because she probably cuts and pastes her next letter (no matter what is asked)...
Okay. So, the guy showed some interest by responding outside of eHarmony. He's showing some interest. Now, she does a few things...
First, she explains away her UK English. Which would be okay... if she wrote good UK English. (Many better scammers do.) And she also grounds the fact that she's in the UK to take care of her ill trusted friend. (Which, later, is used to justify a request for money.)
Next, for the first time, she sets forth why she's a good catch, other than just her looks. She's set forth a laundry list of desirable (but somewhat vague) attributes... just enough to indicate some interest in the guy.
Next, she tries (somewhat vaguely) to target some reason why the guy is special. This would be much better if she read the guy's profile, and targeted it to him... but, my guess is her command of the english language prevents it. So, even though this is pretty weak, it may have to be "good enough". (In PUA circles, this would be considered a "cold read". I prefer warmer reads, when they're possible.)
Finally, she sets forth her (again, somewhat vague) standards, and asks the guy to qualify for her attention.
Further putting him in the position of making an effort to meet this woman.
I won't publish the actual request for money - it gives scammers a little bit too much information on how to set a scam up. But, you realize now that, after a guy has spent significant time qualifying for this "dream woman", how it's now harder to turn away from her request for help.
And that's the setup... and the pitch.
Again, it's not all that good. But, with a little customization and better English... there are some solid fundamentals here. And those fundamentals can be used for good - not just evil.
She starts with a fast track:
Subject: "Hi email me"
"My name is Susan Johnson from Seattle ,WA, i likeswimming,playing golf,traveling,camping,watchingmovies,listening to music,,i am nice and loving womanwho is looking for someone to love and he would loveme back and i am willing to relocate when i find theright person for me,i saw your profile and i reallyliked it and it interests me alot,if you want to knowanything about me just ask i would be very much happyto tell you.i just signed on for a couple of weekshere and my subscription would be off that why i hadto include my email so we can still get to contact each other if amoff here.you can mail me back on it
xxxxxxx@yahoo.com"
Clearly, English is not this woman's strong suit. But she does do a few things right. She starts with a list of hobbies that almost anyone will find something in common with (a kinship trick.) She amplifies the fact that she's ready to mirror her "special guy" - she indicates that she's interested in his profile, and she's looking for someone to "love and have... love me back", indicating that she'd relocate to be with someone like that. And, finally, she justifies going to email.
Of course, these lines will only work on the mildly desparate - the people who are most desperate for mirroring. For a woman of even average self-esteem, a guy who said these things would be labelled as desperately sucking up.
And, she left a rather vague request for a response. Which is good, because she probably cuts and pastes her next letter (no matter what is asked)...
Hi I am pleased to meet you. I sent you something about me because ithink we both have lot in common. I come from seattle.WA UnitedStates . I have been living in United Kingdom for 14 years now aftermy parents past away,I presently stay with my aunt here in Uk shemoved to Uk after meeting her husband at eharmony so she registered meon eharmony for a trial she has been there for me through the ruffand tough times in my life. I became a Uk citizen in February 2004. Iam a multifaceted individual, well bred, educated as a respectful anddecent woman in a good family. I have a close girl friend that stayssome block from my home ... she is everything i have got. Nature hassent me a message to start a family, and I am following the instinct.I have resolved to find a suitable decent man for that purpose. I ammature and responsible. Loyal and honest to the core. Hold no baggagefrom the past. The past brings always brings me pleasant memories. Ido not have unresolved issues and load at my prior experiences in lifebecause I probably learned something from them. I believe that life isan endless learning experience that ends when we breath for the lasttime. I certainly do not know what is beyond that point. Believe mewhen I say I would be honored to learn more about you. I have chosento communicate with you for a very specific reason, and not only foryour nice looks. I admit that I like cute and good looking bloke, butif it is not a complete package of body, mind, and spirit, there isnot much you can do for me. If this sounds cocky is only by chance. Iam not a Hollywood woman, that is for sure. I am a well educated, wellmannered person, which I definitely appreciate in a man as well. Ilike intelligent, and natural men. I like men with an inner world.Attractions that fall beyond my control are architects, piano players(or any other instrument), and men that know about massage.Tell memore about you. Anything. What ever comes to your mind. Tell me whatdo you expect from me, or from our correspondence. attached are few ofmy pic you can send some of yours
Yours,
Susan
Okay. So, the guy showed some interest by responding outside of eHarmony. He's showing some interest. Now, she does a few things...
First, she explains away her UK English. Which would be okay... if she wrote good UK English. (Many better scammers do.) And she also grounds the fact that she's in the UK to take care of her ill trusted friend. (Which, later, is used to justify a request for money.)
Next, for the first time, she sets forth why she's a good catch, other than just her looks. She's set forth a laundry list of desirable (but somewhat vague) attributes... just enough to indicate some interest in the guy.
Next, she tries (somewhat vaguely) to target some reason why the guy is special. This would be much better if she read the guy's profile, and targeted it to him... but, my guess is her command of the english language prevents it. So, even though this is pretty weak, it may have to be "good enough". (In PUA circles, this would be considered a "cold read". I prefer warmer reads, when they're possible.)
Finally, she sets forth her (again, somewhat vague) standards, and asks the guy to qualify for her attention.
Further putting him in the position of making an effort to meet this woman.
I won't publish the actual request for money - it gives scammers a little bit too much information on how to set a scam up. But, you realize now that, after a guy has spent significant time qualifying for this "dream woman", how it's now harder to turn away from her request for help.
And that's the setup... and the pitch.
Again, it's not all that good. But, with a little customization and better English... there are some solid fundamentals here. And those fundamentals can be used for good - not just evil.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Anatomy of a Scam - The Scammer's Profile
One of my members recently sent me an email, giving a blow-by-blow account of an eHarmony scammer's attempt to seduce him out of his money.
I've seen these attempts before. But, I figured that these might make for some interesting blog posts, for three important reasons.
First of all - you should learn to recognize them. So you can waste only as much time as you want to with them. If any "woman" (and I'll put that in quotes because their gender isn't a certain thing...) uses these techniques, you'll know better than to send money. Or give her an email address that would inconvenience you if it got choked with spam.
Secondly... you can learn a few things from scammers. They make a living by doing this. So, either they're starving, or they're using some techniques that work. And these techniques can be used for good purposes - not just for bilking money from the desperate.
And, finally, as a lesson in learning how conventional beauty can make some guys do very stupid things.
So... let's do the blow-by-blow, shall we?
The Profile
The profile's most outstanding point... was the picture. Bottom-line? The photo was of a drop-dead gorgeous woman. I'd publish it here - but I'd hate to defame the (real) woman.
Everything else? Well, she did a few things right. Which is enough, if a woman has a hot enough picture. Here's the profile...
There's a lot wrong here. She's not even familiar enough with American culture or language to use good grammar. Or to know that "Native American" does not mean "born in America." (The picture was of a Caucasian woman.)
But, a few things were right.
She didn't provide much detail. Just enough to get a susceptible man's attention with her pictures. And only says a few things. Just enough to build up some potential for mirroring.
However, guys should avoid lines like, "Going to the beach". Women see that line from a mile away. And women usually aren't as swayed by pretty pictures alone.
So, that's the profile. The pitch? That's tomorrow.
I've seen these attempts before. But, I figured that these might make for some interesting blog posts, for three important reasons.
First of all - you should learn to recognize them. So you can waste only as much time as you want to with them. If any "woman" (and I'll put that in quotes because their gender isn't a certain thing...) uses these techniques, you'll know better than to send money. Or give her an email address that would inconvenience you if it got choked with spam.
Secondly... you can learn a few things from scammers. They make a living by doing this. So, either they're starving, or they're using some techniques that work. And these techniques can be used for good purposes - not just for bilking money from the desperate.
And, finally, as a lesson in learning how conventional beauty can make some guys do very stupid things.
So... let's do the blow-by-blow, shall we?
The Profile
The profile's most outstanding point... was the picture. Bottom-line? The photo was of a drop-dead gorgeous woman. I'd publish it here - but I'd hate to defame the (real) woman.
Everything else? Well, she did a few things right. Which is enough, if a woman has a hot enough picture. Here's the profile...
Occupation: Temporary Unemployed
Age: 28
Height: 5' 5"
Ethnicity: Native American
The one thing Susan is most passionate about:
* To find someone special in my life for us to build a trust..
The three things which Susan is most thankful for:
* My Aunt
* My Life
* My Home
Susan's friends describe her as:
* Caring
* Passionate
* Thoughtful
* Romantic
Three of Susan's best life-skills are:
* Creating romance in a relationship
* Cooking for my family and friends
* Finding new adventures and unique experiences
The most important thing Susan is looking for in a person is:
* Someone Honest, Caring and Loving.
The first thing you'll probably notice about Susan when you meet her:
* My Smile
Susan typically spends her leisure time:
* I enjoying going to beach I enjoying going to the cinema or a theater Going to a garden with someone special
There's a lot wrong here. She's not even familiar enough with American culture or language to use good grammar. Or to know that "Native American" does not mean "born in America." (The picture was of a Caucasian woman.)
But, a few things were right.
She didn't provide much detail. Just enough to get a susceptible man's attention with her pictures. And only says a few things. Just enough to build up some potential for mirroring.
However, guys should avoid lines like, "Going to the beach". Women see that line from a mile away. And women usually aren't as swayed by pretty pictures alone.
So, that's the profile. The pitch? That's tomorrow.
Friday, February 22, 2008
The Attachment Model: Final thoughts
Just a few concluding thoughts on the attachment model that I've proposed.
First of all, it IS only a model. And a very early one at that. As time goes on, I'm sure that I (as well as hopefully others) will refine it further. And I'm giving this model "from the labs" status.
Another important point? The stages of the model are NOT cast in stone.
There are some people who will require a little bit of comfort-building before they can experience chemistry. Some "liveable problems" may be apparent on the first date, and not near the end game.
The model is a guide. Not a rigid playbook.
So... get out there and enjoy playing.
First of all, it IS only a model. And a very early one at that. As time goes on, I'm sure that I (as well as hopefully others) will refine it further. And I'm giving this model "from the labs" status.
Another important point? The stages of the model are NOT cast in stone.
There are some people who will require a little bit of comfort-building before they can experience chemistry. Some "liveable problems" may be apparent on the first date, and not near the end game.
The model is a guide. Not a rigid playbook.
So... get out there and enjoy playing.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Attachment Model: Endgame
Time has passed in your relationship. Usually, six months to one year.
You know each other well.
You've come to rely on each other in very basic ways.
You recognize her as the person she is - imperfect, but good for you.
She feels the same.
You're attached.
When you're at the point where this is occurring, this is the time to talk about the practical matters of building a life together. And a time when you are realistically ready to talk about things like living together, marriage, and children in something other than a hypothetical way.
So... talk. See if the practicalities work out.
And if they do?
Heck, you don't need me anymore. You're on your own. :-)
Final thoughts on the attachment model tomorrow.
You know each other well.
You've come to rely on each other in very basic ways.
You recognize her as the person she is - imperfect, but good for you.
She feels the same.
You're attached.
When you're at the point where this is occurring, this is the time to talk about the practical matters of building a life together. And a time when you are realistically ready to talk about things like living together, marriage, and children in something other than a hypothetical way.
So... talk. See if the practicalities work out.
And if they do?
Heck, you don't need me anymore. You're on your own. :-)
Final thoughts on the attachment model tomorrow.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
The Attachment Model, Phase 4
Well, folks, it's time to return to our long-term relationship oriented "Attachment model".
As we've noticed, couples in Phase 3 are getting pretty comfortable. They're realizing that they can fulfill a lot of their needs for mirroring, idealization, and kinship.
Now, can anyone fulfill these needs perfectly?
Of course not. And that's what Phase 4 is about.
It's about recognizing the fact that your partner isn't perfect.
And often, you're fighting about the failures that occur.
But, in the end, the fantasy that you've met the perfect man or woman to fulfill these needs starts to fade away.
But, if you've come through Phase 4 successfully - you realize that s/he doesn't have to be perfect.
And you realize that what you do have is pretty damn good.
This phase usually occurs from 6 months to one year into a relationship.
And it's where most people can honestly say that they're in love.
So where do you go from here?
We'll conclude the phases of the attachment model tomorrow.
As we've noticed, couples in Phase 3 are getting pretty comfortable. They're realizing that they can fulfill a lot of their needs for mirroring, idealization, and kinship.
Now, can anyone fulfill these needs perfectly?
Of course not. And that's what Phase 4 is about.
It's about recognizing the fact that your partner isn't perfect.
And often, you're fighting about the failures that occur.
But, in the end, the fantasy that you've met the perfect man or woman to fulfill these needs starts to fade away.
But, if you've come through Phase 4 successfully - you realize that s/he doesn't have to be perfect.
And you realize that what you do have is pretty damn good.
This phase usually occurs from 6 months to one year into a relationship.
And it's where most people can honestly say that they're in love.
So where do you go from here?
We'll conclude the phases of the attachment model tomorrow.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
What's the right answer to ________?
One of the most common questions that beginners ask me is how to answer specific eHarmony questions.
There are very few bad questions... but this is one of them. Because, once you ask this question, you've already identified your problem.
You're trying to impress her with a "perfect" answer.
You're modifying your behavior for the approval of a woman that you've never met.
And quality women can smell this attitude from a mile away.
They don't like it. They realize that you're being a phony.
And they stop responding.
Because they realize that high-quality guys don't try to impress. High-quality guys are trying to find the right woman for them.
They give direct, honest answers. They let the woman get a taste of what they're really like.
And if a woman doesn't like his honest answer?
High-quality guys don't mind at all. Because there are lots of women who will like their answer. And they are relieved that they don't have to have to bear through a crappy date with someone that doesn't hold his interest.
So - stop worrying about your answer. And just give it to her.
As I (and many other folks in the community) always say, "No fear".
There are very few bad questions... but this is one of them. Because, once you ask this question, you've already identified your problem.
You're trying to impress her with a "perfect" answer.
You're modifying your behavior for the approval of a woman that you've never met.
And quality women can smell this attitude from a mile away.
They don't like it. They realize that you're being a phony.
And they stop responding.
Because they realize that high-quality guys don't try to impress. High-quality guys are trying to find the right woman for them.
They give direct, honest answers. They let the woman get a taste of what they're really like.
And if a woman doesn't like his honest answer?
High-quality guys don't mind at all. Because there are lots of women who will like their answer. And they are relieved that they don't have to have to bear through a crappy date with someone that doesn't hold his interest.
So - stop worrying about your answer. And just give it to her.
As I (and many other folks in the community) always say, "No fear".
Monday, February 18, 2008
Another eHarmony trick revealed?
This weekend, a couple of matches did some things... that I didn't even realize were possible.
The first one was one that I closed over a week ago, because I thought she had a "dead profile". Well, this weekend, she answered my questions. And then sent a final message saying that I'd met her, I'd feel differently.
Yes, I reopened her - and we've planned a date for next weekend. (The first free communications customer that I've considered worth meeting... Her level of enthusiasm picked up quickly once communication started.)
The other one? I sent her phase 1 questions without looking closely at the city she lived in.
Sure enough, she lived too far away. I closed the match.
And, again, she answered the questions that I had asked before sending me a final message.
So, based on these two events, it looks like eHarmony won't tell non-paying members that you closed them, until after they've paid for their subscription (or used free communication), and responded to the first set of questions.
Pretty sneaky on eHarmony's part.
And potentially exploitable for us.
The first one was one that I closed over a week ago, because I thought she had a "dead profile". Well, this weekend, she answered my questions. And then sent a final message saying that I'd met her, I'd feel differently.
Yes, I reopened her - and we've planned a date for next weekend. (The first free communications customer that I've considered worth meeting... Her level of enthusiasm picked up quickly once communication started.)
The other one? I sent her phase 1 questions without looking closely at the city she lived in.
Sure enough, she lived too far away. I closed the match.
And, again, she answered the questions that I had asked before sending me a final message.
So, based on these two events, it looks like eHarmony won't tell non-paying members that you closed them, until after they've paid for their subscription (or used free communication), and responded to the first set of questions.
Pretty sneaky on eHarmony's part.
And potentially exploitable for us.
Friday, February 15, 2008
The Oracle answers your questions...
As comic relief once, I answered some of the sillier search terms that people used to discover my website.
And, you know... I really don't think my answers were all that funny.
Hey, everyone has an off day once in awhile.
Anyway, I'm feeling kind of lazy today. So, I've outsourced the joke-writing to the great Internet Oracle.
Hey, at least I can afford him.
Enjoy...
----------
> Oh, Oracle, who couldst answer an infinitely impossible riddle:
>
> How do I answer eHarmony questions?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} With lies. Huge lies. Really, really misleading lies.
}
} Unless you're a female then that fact is all you need
} to convey to get inundated with responses.
}
} You owe the Oracle a moat.
-------------
> Oh, greatest oracle. Who couldst create weath greater than Warren
> Buffet's by selling worn-out shoelaces. Please, take pity on my sad,
> unknowing self, and provide the answer to my query...
>
> Is eHarmony incorporated?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Every notice it's an anagram of "am horney"? Or if
} you prefer "ram honey".
----------------
> Oh, Oracle most keen...
>
> What cheat codes are there for eHarmony?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} $$$$$ and 36DD will increase your hit points.
--------------
> O ORICUL,
>
> WHY DO PSYCHOLOGIST TEST PEOPLE?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Even though your spelilgn is worse I will help you to find your
} question. (Spelling is irrelevant. You can read easily when the right
} letters are between the first and the last.)
} Ok, let's go somwhere where you can let your thoghts flow. I recommend
} the shower, or the toilet. Now what is a situation that will you let
} become a psychologist.
} This ist the time for you to say, no such situation will ever occur to
} me! If, not you may want to reflect over your state of mind. If your
} mental evauation is finished, you may see your fine condition.
} If you happen to be a psychologist, you are insane. Why else would you
} have sudied such a interesting and unusual subject. But after you're
} finished exploring you're own mind, you'll ask youself, is it only me,
} who is that mauch wired. And you'll see, that normal people are'nt. So
} you keep on testing people, on your eternal search for the proof of your
} sanity. But it's senseless because something false can't be prooved. And
} thts why...
} I DECLARE:
} EVERYTHING IS CLEAR NOW!!!!oneeleven
} IF THOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THOU ARE NOT WORTH IT!
} Ok...allright...then...somethings missing *hm*...maybe something like:
} You owe the oracle an complete xenopsychology-exobiology intersection
} essey (inclusive source decarations!)
--------------
> Oh, oracle, who couldst hack his way into a website in spite of the
> fact that it is undergoing a DOS attack from an infinite number of
> bots...
>
> Can you give me a promo code for returning eHarmony subscribers?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} If you really want to meet a female just tell your friends
} you are 'looking', they'll trip over each other to set you
} up with nice...
}
} Oh.
}
} No friends at all?
}
} Hmm.
}
} Not even coworkers who...
}
} Dang.
}
} Well, eHarmony is made for you. Just have a valid credit
} card and eHarmony will be your pal.
}
} WHAT?
}
} Not even a debit card with a...
}
} Wow.
}
} Look, go to the market and buy a bag of dates, because
} that's as close to getting any you're going to get dude.
}
} You owe the Oracle some space.
And, you know... I really don't think my answers were all that funny.
Hey, everyone has an off day once in awhile.
Anyway, I'm feeling kind of lazy today. So, I've outsourced the joke-writing to the great Internet Oracle.
Hey, at least I can afford him.
Enjoy...
----------
> Oh, Oracle, who couldst answer an infinitely impossible riddle:
>
> How do I answer eHarmony questions?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} With lies. Huge lies. Really, really misleading lies.
}
} Unless you're a female then that fact is all you need
} to convey to get inundated with responses.
}
} You owe the Oracle a moat.
-------------
> Oh, greatest oracle. Who couldst create weath greater than Warren
> Buffet's by selling worn-out shoelaces. Please, take pity on my sad,
> unknowing self, and provide the answer to my query...
>
> Is eHarmony incorporated?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Every notice it's an anagram of "am horney"? Or if
} you prefer "ram honey".
----------------
> Oh, Oracle most keen...
>
> What cheat codes are there for eHarmony?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
--------------
> O ORICUL,
>
> WHY DO PSYCHOLOGIST TEST PEOPLE?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Even though your spelilgn is worse I will help you to find your
} question. (Spelling is irrelevant. You can read easily when the right
} letters are between the first and the last.)
} Ok, let's go somwhere where you can let your thoghts flow. I recommend
} the shower, or the toilet. Now what is a situation that will you let
} become a psychologist.
} This ist the time for you to say, no such situation will ever occur to
} me! If, not you may want to reflect over your state of mind. If your
} mental evauation is finished, you may see your fine condition.
} If you happen to be a psychologist, you are insane. Why else would you
} have sudied such a interesting and unusual subject. But after you're
} finished exploring you're own mind, you'll ask youself, is it only me,
} who is that mauch wired. And you'll see, that normal people are'nt. So
} you keep on testing people, on your eternal search for the proof of your
} sanity. But it's senseless because something false can't be prooved. And
} thts why...
} I DECLARE:
} EVERYTHING IS CLEAR NOW!!!!oneeleven
} IF THOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THOU ARE NOT WORTH IT!
} Ok...allright...then...somethi
} You owe the oracle an complete xenopsychology-exobiology intersection
} essey (inclusive source decarations!)
--------------
> Oh, oracle, who couldst hack his way into a website in spite of the
> fact that it is undergoing a DOS attack from an infinite number of
> bots...
>
> Can you give me a promo code for returning eHarmony subscribers?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} you are 'looking', they'll trip over each other to set you
} up with nice...
}
} Oh.
}
} No friends at all?
}
} Hmm.
}
} Not even coworkers who...
}
} Dang.
}
} Well, eHarmony is made for you. Just have a valid credit
} card and eHarmony will be your pal.
}
} WHAT?
}
} Not even a debit card with a...
}
} Wow.
}
} Look, go to the market and buy a bag of dates, because
} that's as close to getting any you're going to get dude.
}
} You owe the Oracle some space.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Focus on the PAYING members!
Well, the eHarmony crew has a plan to suck in a lot of men and women who feel bad about themselves because they're not "with" someone on Valentine's Day... they're offering yet another free communication weekend.
I've been pretty underwhelmed by these "events" in the past. And there's a good reason why.
When you offer something free, people give it no value.
And, in general (but not always), I find that "free communications weekend" visitors are a pretty unmotivated lot.
My advice? Don't take it personally.
And don't be afraid to say, in your first open communication, "Hey, thanks for visiting... but if you're not going to tell me anything interesting about yourself, I'll pass. Best of luck!"
Some might rise to the challenge.
But, if they're unmotivated, they're unmotivated. And you're best off in moving on to the folks who are really trying to meet you.
I've been pretty underwhelmed by these "events" in the past. And there's a good reason why.
When you offer something free, people give it no value.
And, in general (but not always), I find that "free communications weekend" visitors are a pretty unmotivated lot.
My advice? Don't take it personally.
And don't be afraid to say, in your first open communication, "Hey, thanks for visiting... but if you're not going to tell me anything interesting about yourself, I'll pass. Best of luck!"
Some might rise to the challenge.
But, if they're unmotivated, they're unmotivated. And you're best off in moving on to the folks who are really trying to meet you.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Phase 3: Trying mutual reliance
Okay, we've given the "attachment model" a few day's break. Let's return for a day... (And, if you're catching up, check out the "Long game" label.)
In phase 2 of my attachment model, you've learned a lot about each other. You know each other pretty well. And you've started, cautiously, to place your trust in each other.
Phase 3 is a natural extension of Phase 2. You're each getting comfortable in meeting your basic social needs of mirroring, idealization, and kinship. And you're genuinely feeling that the other person is a safe person get these things from.
So... in phase 3, you're giving things a real chance. And you're starting to rely upon each other to fill these needs.
And, when it's working... it feels great. And those who are new to the feeling of love will usually say, "I love you" in this phase.
But, of course, even the perfect partner will fall short of perfection with mirroring, idealization, and kinship.
... And that's what Phase 4 is about.
And I'll talk about that on Friday.
In phase 2 of my attachment model, you've learned a lot about each other. You know each other pretty well. And you've started, cautiously, to place your trust in each other.
Phase 3 is a natural extension of Phase 2. You're each getting comfortable in meeting your basic social needs of mirroring, idealization, and kinship. And you're genuinely feeling that the other person is a safe person get these things from.
So... in phase 3, you're giving things a real chance. And you're starting to rely upon each other to fill these needs.
And, when it's working... it feels great. And those who are new to the feeling of love will usually say, "I love you" in this phase.
But, of course, even the perfect partner will fall short of perfection with mirroring, idealization, and kinship.
... And that's what Phase 4 is about.
And I'll talk about that on Friday.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
"Success" on eHarmony ain't all it's cracked up to be...
In the google group, lately, guys are talking about a "problem" that a lot of guys would love to have.
The good news? They're getting a lot of communication. And quite a few dates.
The bad news? None of them are "good enough".
Well, folks, that's about where I'm at too.
I don't have a real answer here. Meeting the "right" person is a matter of being available, meeting lots of people, and being open to the "right" person. It's partly luck. And it's not something that we can control.
Well, maybe if you start meeting the same dysfunctional people time after time, you might want to ask yourself if there's anything in your profile that's subtly calling for 'em. But, if not... everyone has bad runs.
The only thing that you can control? Your attitude.
A date... is just a date. It's meeting someone new for the first time.
It's fun. Enjoy the process.
And if it's clear that she's not the one you're looking for?
Well, at least you've had a fun evening out, and some nice conversation. You got to see the world from someone else's perspective for awhile. And, hopefully, you've picked a date where you'll have a good time - even if she turns out to be a dud.
And if she's so bad that you can't even enjoy her company... just think about how much fun you'll have when you tell the "horror story" to your friends.
You can't make bad women better. And the only thing you can do is figure out how to enjoy the ride.
BittenChick adds:
Scott's post makes me think of the saying "cast a wide net", which goes hand-in-hand with another idiom that's often related to dating and mating: There are always more fish in the sea.
But in order to hook your honey, you have to throw out the right bait to make a quality catch (and with that, I think I've run this metaphor right into the ground!) Seriously though, one of your eH matches may be everything that you're looking for, but the spark just isn't there. And likewise, your unique traits and qualities may qualify you as "perfect" in one woman's eyes and just "ho-hum" for another.
Scott's remedy -- being available, being social, and being open -- is great because it's exactly what you need to keep from getting frustrated and discouraged with the process. I only wish, from my own experience, that more men were open to being friends if the romantic chemistry isn't there. When I suggested this once, a few days after a lackluster date, I received the terse reply of "I don't need any more friends." Well you're right buddy, I thought to myself. What you need is an attitude adjustment!
To me, there's nothing better than opposite-sex friendships, because who better to give you insight on dating and relationships than someone who's within the demographic that you're looking to attract? And that little bit of sexual tension that rides right under the surface of a guy/girl friendship is always fun as well. I'm not saying "friends with benefits" or "booty calls" are recommended, but what's a little harmless flirtation between friends?
If you go into every date with an optimistic attitude and an open mind, you'll be legions ahead of your competition -- many of whom will show up on a date looking dour and discouraged before greetings are even exchanged. If there's no attraction, maybe you'll have made a great friend. And if she's a nightmare, at least you'll have great fodder for your dating blog! (You really should try it, I love reading about the dating triumphs and disasters of eHarmony Cracked readers!)
So as Scott suggested, just relax, have fun, and enjoy the ride. Or if you prefer, enjoy the swim in the sea ... ;-)
The good news? They're getting a lot of communication. And quite a few dates.
The bad news? None of them are "good enough".
Well, folks, that's about where I'm at too.
I don't have a real answer here. Meeting the "right" person is a matter of being available, meeting lots of people, and being open to the "right" person. It's partly luck. And it's not something that we can control.
Well, maybe if you start meeting the same dysfunctional people time after time, you might want to ask yourself if there's anything in your profile that's subtly calling for 'em. But, if not... everyone has bad runs.
The only thing that you can control? Your attitude.
A date... is just a date. It's meeting someone new for the first time.
It's fun. Enjoy the process.
And if it's clear that she's not the one you're looking for?
Well, at least you've had a fun evening out, and some nice conversation. You got to see the world from someone else's perspective for awhile. And, hopefully, you've picked a date where you'll have a good time - even if she turns out to be a dud.
And if she's so bad that you can't even enjoy her company... just think about how much fun you'll have when you tell the "horror story" to your friends.
You can't make bad women better. And the only thing you can do is figure out how to enjoy the ride.
BittenChick adds:
Scott's post makes me think of the saying "cast a wide net", which goes hand-in-hand with another idiom that's often related to dating and mating: There are always more fish in the sea.
But in order to hook your honey, you have to throw out the right bait to make a quality catch (and with that, I think I've run this metaphor right into the ground!) Seriously though, one of your eH matches may be everything that you're looking for, but the spark just isn't there. And likewise, your unique traits and qualities may qualify you as "perfect" in one woman's eyes and just "ho-hum" for another.
Scott's remedy -- being available, being social, and being open -- is great because it's exactly what you need to keep from getting frustrated and discouraged with the process. I only wish, from my own experience, that more men were open to being friends if the romantic chemistry isn't there. When I suggested this once, a few days after a lackluster date, I received the terse reply of "I don't need any more friends." Well you're right buddy, I thought to myself. What you need is an attitude adjustment!
To me, there's nothing better than opposite-sex friendships, because who better to give you insight on dating and relationships than someone who's within the demographic that you're looking to attract? And that little bit of sexual tension that rides right under the surface of a guy/girl friendship is always fun as well. I'm not saying "friends with benefits" or "booty calls" are recommended, but what's a little harmless flirtation between friends?
If you go into every date with an optimistic attitude and an open mind, you'll be legions ahead of your competition -- many of whom will show up on a date looking dour and discouraged before greetings are even exchanged. If there's no attraction, maybe you'll have made a great friend. And if she's a nightmare, at least you'll have great fodder for your dating blog! (You really should try it, I love reading about the dating triumphs and disasters of eHarmony Cracked readers!)
So as Scott suggested, just relax, have fun, and enjoy the ride. Or if you prefer, enjoy the swim in the sea ... ;-)
Monday, February 11, 2008
Boring pictures? Here's what 'ya do...
Okay, you realize that your pictures are... at best, okay. Maybe you've got a few that look good.
But, they're still... boring.
So, what do you do about it?
It's simple. And pretty obvious.
Start cruising local websites. Read the weekend section of the newspaper.
Get your calendar out. And start planning something new to do every day.
Pick a variety of things. Some physical. Some mental. Some spiritual. Some artistic. Some cultural.
And pick a variety of contexts. Go with friends to some things. Go with family to others.
Okay, if you've got a bad day at work, or have pressing business, you can skip your plans. But don't make a habit of it. Get out there, and do some different things.
Bring a camera to these things. And have people take a lot of pictures.
Some of them will be good. Most won't, but some will.
Oh... and it's great for date planning too. You come off as a much more interesting person when you ask, "Hey, I was going to a reception for this cool new artist on Saturday - want to join me?", than than you do when you ask when she's free for dinner or or a cup of Starbuck's coffee. Yes?
But, they're still... boring.
So, what do you do about it?
It's simple. And pretty obvious.
Start cruising local websites. Read the weekend section of the newspaper.
Get your calendar out. And start planning something new to do every day.
Pick a variety of things. Some physical. Some mental. Some spiritual. Some artistic. Some cultural.
And pick a variety of contexts. Go with friends to some things. Go with family to others.
Okay, if you've got a bad day at work, or have pressing business, you can skip your plans. But don't make a habit of it. Get out there, and do some different things.
Bring a camera to these things. And have people take a lot of pictures.
Some of them will be good. Most won't, but some will.
Oh... and it's great for date planning too. You come off as a much more interesting person when you ask, "Hey, I was going to a reception for this cool new artist on Saturday - want to join me?", than than you do when you ask when she's free for dinner or or a cup of Starbuck's coffee. Yes?
"Who Viewed Me?" Never mind...
About Friday's article...
Looks like eHarmony stopped it's "Who's Viewed Me" list.
Is it in for repairs? Or is it closed permanently?
No one's saying.
In the meantime... the advice that I gave is still good mental hygiene. And if eHarmony brings this feature back, you'll be ready.
Looks like eHarmony stopped it's "Who's Viewed Me" list.
Is it in for repairs? Or is it closed permanently?
No one's saying.
In the meantime... the advice that I gave is still good mental hygiene. And if eHarmony brings this feature back, you'll be ready.
Friday, February 8, 2008
From the Labs: Managing "Who's Viewed Me"
Over the last few days, eHarmony has introduced a new wrinkle into the system - the "Who's Viewed Me" list. If you haven't found it yet, it's on your eHarmony home page.
This list can cause a few changes in the ways you should manage your matches. So, let's start by looking at how it works.
Basically, left at default, whenever someone views a profile, they will appear on the "Who's Viewed Me" list of the person that they viewed. This list will also tell the person how long ago that view was, to within a day. It also seems that this list only goes back two weeks - after that, they'll no longer appear.
There is one wrinkle to this system, however. Buried in the user settings, you have an option to appear anonymously on the "Who's viewed me" list. If someone chooses this setting, it will say that the person who viewed the profile was anonymous - but it will still say that someone viewed it.
How not to look like a creep
Obviously, I haven't had enough time to explore people's perceptions of this list. However, I imagine that it can make a lot of guys look creepy.
First of all, if you've requested communication a few days ago, but a woman sees that you looked at her profile that day (or, even worse, has seen you viewing her profile several times)... it makes you look kind of creepy.
So, frequent profile-viewers might be saying, "So, I should make myself anonymous, right?"
Unfortunately, if you leave it on the "anonymous" setting, she won't see your name on the "Who's viewed me" list when you initiate or advance communication. And if you need to make the effort to turn the anonymity setting on... that kinda looks creepy, too, in my opinion.
Yes, I suppose you could circumvent the system. You could save screen shots. Or you could turn anonymity off when you communicate, and turn it on when you don't. But, frankly, that's a lot of effort. And you have to ask yourself, "Why do I really need to do this?"
My advice? Leave anonymity off. And only view matches when you're initiating, advancing, or closing communication.
It's better for your mental hygiene, anyway.
About those Greasemonkey scripts...
Awhile ago, I pointed members to some scripts that simplify match management. Unfortunately, they do automatically refresh data by invisibly opening profiles, in order to collect data from them.
So, yes, if you're running the "My Matches" script, every woman on your list will get the (false) idea that you're reading their profile every time you run it.
So, until the authors make some changes, I'd hold off on using them.
So, she's viewed me. What does that mean?
Not that much. It means that she's looking.
It doesn't say whether or not she's a paying member who is capable of communication.
... She hasn't viewed me. What does that mean?
You don't really know. It's possible that she's an ex-member that hasn't turned her matching off. Or, she could be on vacation. Or sick. Or, she's a very attractive woman who can't keep up with the flood of communication requests coming her way.
... So, what's the point of this?
Beats me. The most helpful information that eHarmony could give us would be telling us whether or not she's a paid member, and how many days ago her last login was. They're not giving that.
But, it is data. How do you make sense of it? I'll leave that up to you.
BittenChick says:
So Dr. Warren and Co. have finally jumped on the bandwagon and implemented one of the most obsessively-popular (and frustrating) features that many dating sites share: The "Who's Viewed Me" List! Long a source of entertainment and paranoia on sites like Match.com -- ask me how I know! -- this new system will definitely affect the way that members use eHarmony from now on.
How so? Your smart and savvy dream woman (especially if you rate her looks at an 8 or above) is already familiar with the "who's checking out who" game, even if she's new to online dating. Most gals have been in a social situation where a friend says: "Don't look now, but that guy over there is totally checking you out!" The confident woman might give this looker a coy glance in return, but she won't run over excitedly and introduce herself. She'll be patient and wait for him to make the move. These "Who's Viewed Me" lists work in similar ways.
On one hand, eH's implementation of this feature is a triumph, because it brings members one step closer to being able to weed out the dreaded "dead profiles". But it can be a double-edged sword as well. Consider these scenarios:
She's viewed your profile, but hasn't initiated communication. This may mean one of three things:
- She's not interested. (Hey, gotta be honest!) But if she's checked you out and hasn't closed the match or put you on hold, game on! Instead, she might be:
- Not (yet) a paid member. Don't count these girls out, because your profile just might be the one that tips the balance. One of the first guys I met from eH told me that he converted to a paid account just so he could get in touch with me. Whether this was flattery or the truth, a scenario like this is certainly possible! Yet another reason to put extra effort into making your profile intriguing, versus relying on attractive pictures. But there's also a third possibility:
- She's waiting for you to make the first move. Call it antiquated, but I've just read two recent interviews and a recently-released book about dating strategies, and in each case women were still being advised that they should not be the initiators. And we have long been conditioned on this maneuver, just with different phrasing: "Men are hunters ... Let him come to you ... Play hard to get ..." An assertive woman may be refreshing, but she's not the norm. So go out and get her!
But what if she hasn't viewed your profile, even after several days? Scott's suggestions are all valid -- she could be busy, on vacation, forgot to turn off matching, or it could certainly be a dead account. But once women become used to the "Who's Viewed Me" list, their obvious inattention to your profile could be a bold way of forcing your hand at making a move. I say bold because it could easily backfire; a guy might assume that if a match hasn't checked him out within a week, she's just not going to, and "click" goes the Close button. But it's also subtly effective at making you wonder why she hasn't looked at your profile. Is she already taken? Too busy with other dates? Or as Scott said, receiving so many communication requests that she can't keep up with the demand? It could be any of those things ... Or maybe that's just what she wants you to think! We all know how it feels to desire something that (we perceive) we can't have -- it only makes us want it even more. It would take an extremely patient and in-the-know woman to use this maneuver ... But as Scott mentioned, a large number of this blog's readers are women, so don't think that we're not onto you guys! "Trix are for kids", but savvy women have some tricks and techniques of their own. And who doesn't love a good challenge?
Scott replies:
Interesting ideas... but I seriously wonder whether some of them would work that well. Definitely something to talk about on the Google Group...
This list can cause a few changes in the ways you should manage your matches. So, let's start by looking at how it works.
Basically, left at default, whenever someone views a profile, they will appear on the "Who's Viewed Me" list of the person that they viewed. This list will also tell the person how long ago that view was, to within a day. It also seems that this list only goes back two weeks - after that, they'll no longer appear.
There is one wrinkle to this system, however. Buried in the user settings, you have an option to appear anonymously on the "Who's viewed me" list. If someone chooses this setting, it will say that the person who viewed the profile was anonymous - but it will still say that someone viewed it.
How not to look like a creep
Obviously, I haven't had enough time to explore people's perceptions of this list. However, I imagine that it can make a lot of guys look creepy.
First of all, if you've requested communication a few days ago, but a woman sees that you looked at her profile that day (or, even worse, has seen you viewing her profile several times)... it makes you look kind of creepy.
So, frequent profile-viewers might be saying, "So, I should make myself anonymous, right?"
Unfortunately, if you leave it on the "anonymous" setting, she won't see your name on the "Who's viewed me" list when you initiate or advance communication. And if you need to make the effort to turn the anonymity setting on... that kinda looks creepy, too, in my opinion.
Yes, I suppose you could circumvent the system. You could save screen shots. Or you could turn anonymity off when you communicate, and turn it on when you don't. But, frankly, that's a lot of effort. And you have to ask yourself, "Why do I really need to do this?"
My advice? Leave anonymity off. And only view matches when you're initiating, advancing, or closing communication.
It's better for your mental hygiene, anyway.
About those Greasemonkey scripts...
Awhile ago, I pointed members to some scripts that simplify match management. Unfortunately, they do automatically refresh data by invisibly opening profiles, in order to collect data from them.
So, yes, if you're running the "My Matches" script, every woman on your list will get the (false) idea that you're reading their profile every time you run it.
So, until the authors make some changes, I'd hold off on using them.
So, she's viewed me. What does that mean?
Not that much. It means that she's looking.
It doesn't say whether or not she's a paying member who is capable of communication.
... She hasn't viewed me. What does that mean?
You don't really know. It's possible that she's an ex-member that hasn't turned her matching off. Or, she could be on vacation. Or sick. Or, she's a very attractive woman who can't keep up with the flood of communication requests coming her way.
... So, what's the point of this?
Beats me. The most helpful information that eHarmony could give us would be telling us whether or not she's a paid member, and how many days ago her last login was. They're not giving that.
But, it is data. How do you make sense of it? I'll leave that up to you.
BittenChick says:
So Dr. Warren and Co. have finally jumped on the bandwagon and implemented one of the most obsessively-popular (and frustrating) features that many dating sites share: The "Who's Viewed Me" List! Long a source of entertainment and paranoia on sites like Match.com -- ask me how I know! -- this new system will definitely affect the way that members use eHarmony from now on.
How so? Your smart and savvy dream woman (especially if you rate her looks at an 8 or above) is already familiar with the "who's checking out who" game, even if she's new to online dating. Most gals have been in a social situation where a friend says: "Don't look now, but that guy over there is totally checking you out!" The confident woman might give this looker a coy glance in return, but she won't run over excitedly and introduce herself. She'll be patient and wait for him to make the move. These "Who's Viewed Me" lists work in similar ways.
On one hand, eH's implementation of this feature is a triumph, because it brings members one step closer to being able to weed out the dreaded "dead profiles". But it can be a double-edged sword as well. Consider these scenarios:
She's viewed your profile, but hasn't initiated communication. This may mean one of three things:
- She's not interested. (Hey, gotta be honest!) But if she's checked you out and hasn't closed the match or put you on hold, game on! Instead, she might be:
- Not (yet) a paid member. Don't count these girls out, because your profile just might be the one that tips the balance. One of the first guys I met from eH told me that he converted to a paid account just so he could get in touch with me. Whether this was flattery or the truth, a scenario like this is certainly possible! Yet another reason to put extra effort into making your profile intriguing, versus relying on attractive pictures. But there's also a third possibility:
- She's waiting for you to make the first move. Call it antiquated, but I've just read two recent interviews and a recently-released book about dating strategies, and in each case women were still being advised that they should not be the initiators. And we have long been conditioned on this maneuver, just with different phrasing: "Men are hunters ... Let him come to you ... Play hard to get ..." An assertive woman may be refreshing, but she's not the norm. So go out and get her!
But what if she hasn't viewed your profile, even after several days? Scott's suggestions are all valid -- she could be busy, on vacation, forgot to turn off matching, or it could certainly be a dead account. But once women become used to the "Who's Viewed Me" list, their obvious inattention to your profile could be a bold way of forcing your hand at making a move. I say bold because it could easily backfire; a guy might assume that if a match hasn't checked him out within a week, she's just not going to, and "click" goes the Close button. But it's also subtly effective at making you wonder why she hasn't looked at your profile. Is she already taken? Too busy with other dates? Or as Scott said, receiving so many communication requests that she can't keep up with the demand? It could be any of those things ... Or maybe that's just what she wants you to think! We all know how it feels to desire something that (we perceive) we can't have -- it only makes us want it even more. It would take an extremely patient and in-the-know woman to use this maneuver ... But as Scott mentioned, a large number of this blog's readers are women, so don't think that we're not onto you guys! "Trix are for kids", but savvy women have some tricks and techniques of their own. And who doesn't love a good challenge?
Scott replies:
Interesting ideas... but I seriously wonder whether some of them would work that well. Definitely something to talk about on the Google Group...
Thursday, February 7, 2008
An accomplished woman? She's STILL a woman!
Every once in awhile, I receive mail asking how I'd approach certain eHarmony matches.
Usually, it's because the guy is feeling a little intimidated. It could be by their accomplishments. Or the fact that she is doing things that he can't see himself doing.
They wonder, "What do I need to do differently?"
I've been there. I've met some really interesting people on eHarmony. Doctors and Lawyers. High level executives. Triatheletes and marathon runners. Psychotherapists. Artists. Mensa members. And a recognizable actress.
So, what did I do differently, when I met some of my more intimidating matches?
Absolutely nothing.
I am what I am. And if a woman wants a guy who will compete in marathons with her... she's better off moving on to somebody else.
But, that's not what they're usally looking for.
The fact is, they're still people. And they're attracted by the same qualities that attract everyone else.
And, yes, the guys who recognize this are rare. Which is, in and of itself, an attractive quality.
So, no. If she's a woman of accomplishment, you don't need to change your approach. Just be the charming guy that you always are.
Usually, it's because the guy is feeling a little intimidated. It could be by their accomplishments. Or the fact that she is doing things that he can't see himself doing.
They wonder, "What do I need to do differently?"
I've been there. I've met some really interesting people on eHarmony. Doctors and Lawyers. High level executives. Triatheletes and marathon runners. Psychotherapists. Artists. Mensa members. And a recognizable actress.
So, what did I do differently, when I met some of my more intimidating matches?
Absolutely nothing.
I am what I am. And if a woman wants a guy who will compete in marathons with her... she's better off moving on to somebody else.
But, that's not what they're usally looking for.
The fact is, they're still people. And they're attracted by the same qualities that attract everyone else.
And, yes, the guys who recognize this are rare. Which is, in and of itself, an attractive quality.
So, no. If she's a woman of accomplishment, you don't need to change your approach. Just be the charming guy that you always are.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Our female commentary is BACK...
Well, as some of you have noticed, our previous commentators (Maryann and Quirky Girl) haven't written in quite some time. And, yes, I realize that a lot of you have missed the female commentary.
So... I've asked BittenChick to join us - and she's graciously accepted.
And, yes, her first comment is already up.
Check out her comments by visiting the label, "A Woman's Thoughts", on your left.
(Oh, and she has a blog, too. You might want to check it out.)
So... I've asked BittenChick to join us - and she's graciously accepted.
And, yes, her first comment is already up.
Check out her comments by visiting the label, "A Woman's Thoughts", on your left.
(Oh, and she has a blog, too. You might want to check it out.)
Keep that Cablight On!
Listening to newsradio the other day (as I often do), I had a chance to listen to an interview of the woman who wrote the book, "Turn Your Cablight On".
Don't get me wrong here. I haven't read the book. And I don't know if it's any good. But it did make me think about some of the mistakes people make in dating, and in their eHarmony profiles.
As time goes on, I find myself disliking the term "online dating" more and more.
It's not dating. It's meeting people.
It's like going to a party, talking to a few people, and seeing what happens. Remember - you start at "Phase 0" of the attachment model. You haven't even committed to considering someone a decent friend yet.
But, even at this point... people have their guards up. Way up. And they are quick to judge someone as worthy or unworthy of communication.
Folks, it's just communication. Why set the barriers so high?
Even if you find that she's not right for you... why do you have to make conversation unpleasant, or demanding?
G-d forbid, you might have some fun in talking to someone new and different. Even if she's not the one.
And if she is the kind of person that you're looking for?
Do you really think that she'll want to talk to someone who is being hostile? Or is so agenda-oriented that he can't have fun talking to her?
Yes, when you actually become busy, you will have to cut people off your list arbitrarily. You probably won't be able to meet everyone. And that's fine.
And if you're at a point where you're considering a committed relationship, you should think carefully.
But, before then... have fun.
Think about it. If you were a cab driver, would you get more business if you gave people a 30 minute lecture about how to behave? Or would you just turn the cablight on, and deal with the problems as they come?
Don't get me wrong here. I haven't read the book. And I don't know if it's any good. But it did make me think about some of the mistakes people make in dating, and in their eHarmony profiles.
As time goes on, I find myself disliking the term "online dating" more and more.
It's not dating. It's meeting people.
It's like going to a party, talking to a few people, and seeing what happens. Remember - you start at "Phase 0" of the attachment model. You haven't even committed to considering someone a decent friend yet.
But, even at this point... people have their guards up. Way up. And they are quick to judge someone as worthy or unworthy of communication.
Folks, it's just communication. Why set the barriers so high?
Even if you find that she's not right for you... why do you have to make conversation unpleasant, or demanding?
G-d forbid, you might have some fun in talking to someone new and different. Even if she's not the one.
And if she is the kind of person that you're looking for?
Do you really think that she'll want to talk to someone who is being hostile? Or is so agenda-oriented that he can't have fun talking to her?
Yes, when you actually become busy, you will have to cut people off your list arbitrarily. You probably won't be able to meet everyone. And that's fine.
And if you're at a point where you're considering a committed relationship, you should think carefully.
But, before then... have fun.
Think about it. If you were a cab driver, would you get more business if you gave people a 30 minute lecture about how to behave? Or would you just turn the cablight on, and deal with the problems as they come?
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Profiles: Purge the Neediness!
I'm going to give the "attachment model" a few days rest. But, in writing it, I've noticed another pattern that differentiates successful profiles from unsuccessful ones. In retrospect, it's pretty obvious... but I've never written about it before.
It comes down to the elements of chemistry that I elucidated.
In my experience, effective profiles display subtle potential for meeting the right woman's idealization, mirroring, and twinship needs.
However, unsuccessful profiles demonstrate the writer's needs for idealization, mirroring, and twinship. And if a guy shows his needs before demonstrating his value, most women won't want to carry that burden.
So, what are some of the ways that guys demonstrate neediness in these areas?
Guys demonstrate neediness in idealization when they turn to the woman for advice. They crow about their faults, and look for a woman to "fix" them. Or give long, impossible-to-meet laundry lists of what they're looking for. Or imply that they're looking for a woman's guidance - to build a social life, or tell him what he might find interesting or good.
Guys demonstrate mirroring neediness when they brag. They might write long diatribes about how successful they've become. Or try to show how smart or funny they are. But when you brag or show off (instead of subtly imply) your traits, women interpret that as your needing affirmation from her. A stranger that she hasn't even met yet.
And guys demonstrate kinship neediness when they overemphasize an interest. Like this guy, who left a profile that only the kinship-neediest Harley-lover would answer. They show no interest in people who don't share their narrow interests. And demonstrate poor social skills.
So... take a look at your profile.
You want to demonstrate a capacity to be the object of idealization, mirroring, and kinship needs.
And you don't want to demonstrate that you're needier than her.
BittenChick says:
There are some women out there (and shame on me, I've been one of them in the past!) who feel empowered when in a position of being able to soothe a guy's needy streak. They love that their constant praise and compliments improve his mood, raise his self-worth and self-esteem, and essentially make him feel like a super-stud. But inevitably, their store of complimentary words and actions gets sucked dry (receiving very little in their own direction), and when Mister Needy is puffed up like a peacock with confidence, he bails and leaves them wondering, heartbroken, about what more they could have done...
It's tempting to be on the receiving end of that equation, but honestly, is that ultra-giving, doormat of a person really the kind of romantic partner you want to be with? Scott is 100% right, and savvy women will sense neediness from a mile away. There is nothing sexier than confidence, and a well-written, funny, engaging profile will attract women -- quality women -- like flies to honey.
We want to hear about your successes and pick up on your charming traits, but try to keep the bragging and grandstanding out of your profile. It's much more intriguing to hint at a successful aspect of your life, or to give us glimpses of your brilliant sense of humor, rather than lay it all out on the line. Your profile isn't meant to be your life story, it should be more like the first page of an interesting tale that leaves us wanting more!
My advice: Think of yourself and what you have to offer as a real "page-turner" of a novel. Think of your profile as the story summary on the inside flap. What's going to make someone want to open your covers and start perusing your pages? ;-)
It comes down to the elements of chemistry that I elucidated.
In my experience, effective profiles display subtle potential for meeting the right woman's idealization, mirroring, and twinship needs.
However, unsuccessful profiles demonstrate the writer's needs for idealization, mirroring, and twinship. And if a guy shows his needs before demonstrating his value, most women won't want to carry that burden.
So, what are some of the ways that guys demonstrate neediness in these areas?
Guys demonstrate neediness in idealization when they turn to the woman for advice. They crow about their faults, and look for a woman to "fix" them. Or give long, impossible-to-meet laundry lists of what they're looking for. Or imply that they're looking for a woman's guidance - to build a social life, or tell him what he might find interesting or good.
Guys demonstrate mirroring neediness when they brag. They might write long diatribes about how successful they've become. Or try to show how smart or funny they are. But when you brag or show off (instead of subtly imply) your traits, women interpret that as your needing affirmation from her. A stranger that she hasn't even met yet.
And guys demonstrate kinship neediness when they overemphasize an interest. Like this guy, who left a profile that only the kinship-neediest Harley-lover would answer. They show no interest in people who don't share their narrow interests. And demonstrate poor social skills.
So... take a look at your profile.
You want to demonstrate a capacity to be the object of idealization, mirroring, and kinship needs.
And you don't want to demonstrate that you're needier than her.
BittenChick says:
There are some women out there (and shame on me, I've been one of them in the past!) who feel empowered when in a position of being able to soothe a guy's needy streak. They love that their constant praise and compliments improve his mood, raise his self-worth and self-esteem, and essentially make him feel like a super-stud. But inevitably, their store of complimentary words and actions gets sucked dry (receiving very little in their own direction), and when Mister Needy is puffed up like a peacock with confidence, he bails and leaves them wondering, heartbroken, about what more they could have done...
It's tempting to be on the receiving end of that equation, but honestly, is that ultra-giving, doormat of a person really the kind of romantic partner you want to be with? Scott is 100% right, and savvy women will sense neediness from a mile away. There is nothing sexier than confidence, and a well-written, funny, engaging profile will attract women -- quality women -- like flies to honey.
We want to hear about your successes and pick up on your charming traits, but try to keep the bragging and grandstanding out of your profile. It's much more intriguing to hint at a successful aspect of your life, or to give us glimpses of your brilliant sense of humor, rather than lay it all out on the line. Your profile isn't meant to be your life story, it should be more like the first page of an interesting tale that leaves us wanting more!
My advice: Think of yourself and what you have to offer as a real "page-turner" of a novel. Think of your profile as the story summary on the inside flap. What's going to make someone want to open your covers and start perusing your pages? ;-)
Monday, February 4, 2008
The physical relationship: Just another trust bridge?
Lately, I've been elucidating an "attachment model" that is more conducive to the formation of long-term relationships than most models of seduction.
Every model has it's strengths and weaknesses. While my "attachment model" is good at helping people understand the state of attachment in a relationship, it speaks much less to the physical relationship than standard models.
In fact, it's barely an afterthought. The physical relationship is not an attachment landmark. And it doesn't occupy a specific space in the attachment model.
So, where does it work in the model?
If you're entering Phase 2 attachment, she will want to kiss you, unless she's got a lot of psychological baggage. Be confident in that. Much has been written in the seduction literature about giving her a little less than she'd like... I'll leave that to your judgment.
As far as sex is concerned? I've summarized community lore before, and those observations are still pretty accurate.
In the attachment model? It's just another Phase 2 trust bridge.
Be confident. She'll have sex with you when:
Like I said. It's just another trust bridge.
Every model has it's strengths and weaknesses. While my "attachment model" is good at helping people understand the state of attachment in a relationship, it speaks much less to the physical relationship than standard models.
In fact, it's barely an afterthought. The physical relationship is not an attachment landmark. And it doesn't occupy a specific space in the attachment model.
So, where does it work in the model?
If you're entering Phase 2 attachment, she will want to kiss you, unless she's got a lot of psychological baggage. Be confident in that. Much has been written in the seduction literature about giving her a little less than she'd like... I'll leave that to your judgment.
As far as sex is concerned? I've summarized community lore before, and those observations are still pretty accurate.
In the attachment model? It's just another Phase 2 trust bridge.
Be confident. She'll have sex with you when:
- The chemistry is there.
- It's congruent with her (and your) value system.
- She's comfortable that she isn't giving herself away to just anyone.
- She's comfortable that you won't make her feel ashamed.
- She's comfortable that you won't think it represents a deeper level of attachment than she's comfortable in having.
Like I said. It's just another trust bridge.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Phase 2: Establishing congruence
In addition to the "trial balloons" that people try during Phase 2 attachment, another subtle evaluation usually takes place during Phase two.
As you probably realize, Phases 0 and 1 go quickly. In fact, if they aren't crossed within the first few dates, it becomes very difficult to escape the "comfortable friend zone".
And, because the time flies by quickly, it's hard to evaluate what a person is really like.
Hey, everyone's on good behavior during the first few dates. You both may dress a little better than normal. She may be more complimentary. You may leave bigger tips than you normally do. You may act a little funnier. She may laugh at more of your jokes.
And, yes, beginning pick-up-artists try "tricks" that don't fit in with their personality.
To some degree, this behavior is expected. But, if it's a large gap, you won't last long.
So... in phase 2 attachment, take your time. Get to know what she's really like, once "proper dating" behavior starts to fade away.
You know that she's evaluating you too.
As you probably realize, Phases 0 and 1 go quickly. In fact, if they aren't crossed within the first few dates, it becomes very difficult to escape the "comfortable friend zone".
And, because the time flies by quickly, it's hard to evaluate what a person is really like.
Hey, everyone's on good behavior during the first few dates. You both may dress a little better than normal. She may be more complimentary. You may leave bigger tips than you normally do. You may act a little funnier. She may laugh at more of your jokes.
And, yes, beginning pick-up-artists try "tricks" that don't fit in with their personality.
To some degree, this behavior is expected. But, if it's a large gap, you won't last long.
So... in phase 2 attachment, take your time. Get to know what she's really like, once "proper dating" behavior starts to fade away.
You know that she's evaluating you too.
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