Profiles: Purge the Neediness!

I'm going to give the "attachment model" a few days rest. But, in writing it, I've noticed another pattern that differentiates successful profiles from unsuccessful ones. In retrospect, it's pretty obvious... but I've never written about it before.

It comes down to the elements of chemistry that I elucidated.

In my experience, effective profiles display subtle potential for meeting the right woman's idealization, mirroring, and twinship needs.

However, unsuccessful profiles demonstrate the writer's needs for idealization, mirroring, and twinship. And if a guy shows his needs before demonstrating his value, most women won't want to carry that burden.

So, what are some of the ways that guys demonstrate neediness in these areas?

Guys demonstrate neediness in idealization when they turn to the woman for advice. They crow about their faults, and look for a woman to "fix" them. Or give long, impossible-to-meet laundry lists of what they're looking for. Or imply that they're looking for a woman's guidance - to build a social life, or tell him what he might find interesting or good.

Guys demonstrate mirroring neediness when they brag. They might write long diatribes about how successful they've become. Or try to show how smart or funny they are. But when you brag or show off (instead of subtly imply) your traits, women interpret that as your needing affirmation from her. A stranger that she hasn't even met yet.

And guys demonstrate kinship neediness when they overemphasize an interest. Like this guy, who left a profile that only the kinship-neediest Harley-lover would answer. They show no interest in people who don't share their narrow interests. And demonstrate poor social skills.

So... take a look at your profile.

You want to demonstrate a capacity to be the object of idealization, mirroring, and kinship needs.

And you don't want to demonstrate that you're needier than her.

BittenChick says:

There are some women out there (and shame on me, I've been one of them in the past!) who feel empowered when in a position of being able to soothe a guy's needy streak. They love that their constant praise and compliments improve his mood, raise his self-worth and self-esteem, and essentially make him feel like a super-stud. But inevitably, their store of complimentary words and actions gets sucked dry (receiving very little in their own direction), and when Mister Needy is puffed up like a peacock with confidence, he bails and leaves them wondering, heartbroken, about what more they could have done...

It's tempting to be on the receiving end of that equation, but honestly, is that ultra-giving, doormat of a person really the kind of romantic partner you want to be with? Scott is 100% right, and savvy women will sense neediness from a mile away. There is nothing sexier than confidence, and a well-written, funny, engaging profile will attract women -- quality women -- like flies to honey.

We want to hear about your successes and pick up on your charming traits, but try to keep the bragging and grandstanding out of your profile. It's much more intriguing to hint at a successful aspect of your life, or to give us glimpses of your brilliant sense of humor, rather than lay it all out on the line. Your profile isn't meant to be your life story, it should be more like the first page of an interesting tale that leaves us wanting more!

My advice: Think of yourself and what you have to offer as a real "page-turner" of a novel. Think of your profile as the story summary on the inside flap. What's going to make someone want to open your covers and start perusing your pages? ;-)