Make her chase you into bed!

So, following yesterday's advice, you've casually figured out that you have compatible ideas about the what sex means in a relationship. You've built comfort in your conversations (and in each other's touch)... things are looking good.

Here's where a lot of men make a crucial mistake. Men start chasing women, hoping that, with persistence, women will have sex with them. But when men do this, women start to feel like it's a conquest. They feel objectified. And become more and more uncomfortable with the idea.

Chasing is completely unnecessary. Women like to have sex just as much (if not more) than we do. So... do what you did to get them on the date, and building intimacy with you. Make them chase you.

Break the makeout sessions off sooner than she'd like, saying that you have to do something else.

Tease them about how much they want you... but you haven't made up your mind.

In short, leave 'em wanting more.

Pretty soon, they'll start attacking you.

Finally, when you're finally ready to cut her some slack... be ready. Have the room cleaned. Have her light some candles. Put on some music. Set a romantic mood.

Women, in general, like the fantasy of having it "just happen", instead of being the object of giving into a guy fumbling a million times. Or as a "reward" for being treated well. Or giving into a guy's pleading.

So... when the time is right... just let it happen. And give 'em what they want.

Maryann says:

Well, once again Scott has set the standard for honesty, openness, and fearlessness applied effectively to succeed at eH, this time applied to sex. Well done.

A note to women: (shut your eyes, guys… this is not for you!) As a feminist, I find pornography destructive to male self-esteem. It makes men think about how to achieve success rather than how to receive, give, and share in healthy, earthy, fan-damn-tastic sex. Guys are so interested in their own performance and whether or not they scored the woman’s orgasm, they forget they have a real, living breathing human being before them who wants to connect, even if just physically. (I know some of you guys are reading this because you just can’t help yourselves, so I’ll tell you. It is true. Women can only want to connect physically. We are not all looking for the meaning of life and a commitment for eternity in the eyes of our lover at that special moment. Ugh.)

So, for these reasons, I had “Can’t Stand Pornography” in my list originally. That was my only mention of sex any place in my profile or guided communication. While it was true, it was not the whole story, so I found another true way to present myself. I dropped that out (though, trust me, we have this conversation before they get near my bed!), and put in “Can’t Stand Uninterested” (I can’t stand a partner who is uninterested in sex on a regular basis.) That is also true. Why would I want to be in a relationship with a guy who thinks a good time is crashing on my sofa to watch TV while I do dishes in the other room? Those are called teenagers, not lovers.

Finally, I considered choosing a “passionate” or “experienced” Must Have, but decided against it. Guys want to work for our sexual expressions, and they should. I’m not a prostitute who performs on demand out of a pre-conceived expectation. I am a real woman with something real to offer, in bed and out. They can appreciate me for the whole package or they can move on. So, that is my version of fearlessness in eH.

I also agree with Scott that we women should set the pace for the move from guided communication through the first dates to the “talk” and finally the act. The guys are willing and ready and we should give them clues about when we are ready to take the next step ~ one step at a time. A guy who pushes too hard gets pushed out of my queue! Not to overstate it, but rape is a real fear for women and we’ll err on the side of protecting ourselves, even from a guy who seems otherwise like he could be The One. Too much, too soon is a deal breaker if it is not “natural” and within an open context of safety (he’ll take no for an answer if I start to get uncomfortable). Words like “respect,” “honor,” and “care” go a long way here, guys. Here is an actual quote that put me at ease in the context of The Talk. “I look forward to knowing you intimately. Please be sure I will honor and care for you. You have nothing to fear from me, my sweetheart.”

Something that direct and verbalized is probably not necessary most of the time, but this was a specific circumstance. I’m just giving you an idea of what I’m talking about.

About sex - and deciding what YOU want.

So, you've done things right so far - you're with a woman, and you're attracted to each other. And things are feeling good.

So, when is it time to get it on?

That depends on what you're looking for. And what she's looking for.

And you need to be very clear on what you're looking for. Because women will not want to be with a man who thinks that sex is worth much more, or much less, than they do. And if a man does not make the meaning of sex clear... she's going to be very uncomfortable. And when she's uncomfortable, nothing is going to happen.

So, when it's comfortable, bring it into the conversation. Don't force it. Wait for the subject to open. If the chemistry is there... it will come up on it's own.

If you're interested in only physical relationships, tell her about the fact that you're dating a lot of women, and you're only interested in a physical relationship for now.

If you want to wait until you're married, talk about how a lot of women become impatient with your moral beliefs that sex is something that should occur after marriage.

If you feel you should have sex only with people who have "relationship potential", talk about how you've had to dump women who you've had chemistry with, because they felt conflicted about having a relationship.

Or, if you feel that chemistry is all you need... don't be afraid to tell them about how so many women refuse to take relationships a step at a time, and ruin "the moments" in the pursuit of their agenda.

And, yes, when you do this, you're facing the very real possibility that a woman won't like what you're offering. But, if she's uncomfortable with what you offer... you're better off finding someone who is.

As I always say, "No fear".

From the labs: Fast-track communication template

Okay, folks, for those of you who are braving the fast-track road... this is the message template series that's working best for me so far.

This is a three-letter sequence. Casual phrasing and social behavior are very important. Even more important than in letters written after a guided communication sequence.

Letter #1:
Begin with a salutation, thank her for agreeing to the fast track, saying that you feel this is a friendlier way to get to know each other. Close this paragraph with a light observe and challenge statement.

Open a new paragraph, ask one quick and easy question about something in the profile that intrigued you.

Letter's done. This should be very short.

Letter #2:
Give a salutation. Observe something she said or did in the last letter, and give her a funny, but minimal compliment. ("Glad to see you're not the type of girl who would [do something really silly]" would be a good one.)

Open a new paragraph, give one or two sentences that continue the conversational flow from her letter. Don't answer a lot of questions, try to leave open conversational hooks.

Next (your call as to whether this merits a new paragraph or not), ask a few questions that relate to the conversational flow. Three questions should be a pretty good number. These can be a little more "in-depth" than the one you asked in letter #1, but should still be friendly and conversational.

Close by mentioning some things you're doing in the next week that will be keeping you busy, tell her you're looking forward to talking some more.

Letter #3:
Ask for the number with letter #2 from my open communication template.

And there you go. Easy-breezy.

Maryann says:

Guys,

I have decided not to initiate Fast Track any more. Maybe it is a gender thing, but it seemed to backfire when I tried it. But, I must say, nobody has tried this template with me, and it looks great!

The eH guided communication gets really burdensome after a while. A guy with skills who tried this tack would look fresh and refreshing to me. Good luck! Please report your results if you try it!

War Story: Overgamed and Underqualified, Final thoughts

So, what do I make of that disaster?

The problem, really wasn't one of my "game". As far as game goes - this was a marathon run. On the whole, things were "handled" well. Sure, it wasn't perfect - but such things rarely are.

The problem is - game is a tool. It's a tool for developing and maintaining a state of attraction. And it was working - she frequently commented upon how charming I was.

The problem? The game was the only thing that I was focusing on.

And, when you do that, you can develop attraction - but not necessarily to the right target.

Yes, she was good looking. No doubt there. But she has a lot of problems. And a relationship with her would be a living hell. She was not the person that I wanted to develop attraction with.

And, yes, the signs were there. Very early.

She needed a nudge at every step of guided communication. This indicates someone who's preoccupied, or uninterested. Neither of which is worth the effort I expended.

After the kiss, she gave me a marathon session explaining why she wasn't ready for a relationship. And if I could think of anything other than how to win her over... I would have listened.

Bottom line - I got the outcome that I worked hard to obtain. And, in a sense, I deserved the result.

"Oh, come on", you might say. "I'd never continue something like that."

I posted this story to another seduction board... and that's pretty much what they said too.

But, it was only weeks later... calls were on the board for help with women who were doing the same things that this woman was doing. Asking for help on how to win over women who were preoccupied with other problems.

It's easy to get blinded by someone's beauty, or your need to master the game.... and miss the target you are going for. The relationship you want, with a woman worthy of your attention.

And some women are distractions. Not targets.

Maryann adds:

Scott wrote that some women are distractions, not targets. This is a really odd thing about dating, in general. On the one hand, we all need to practice just meeting new people, flirting, learning when and how to move to kissing, etc. On the other hand, while one of you is practicing, the other is falling in love or is scrutinizing everything, looking for a reason not to fall in love.

I used to naively think it was best to just be honest with each other about what we were doing and the outcome each of us was looking for, but it turns out that is just another game, or another turn in the game. The truth is, we don’t know which relationships will turn out to just be practice and which will develop into more. If we lean too much on the practice part, we end up with Scott’s experience of just going too far down a dead end street. If we focus too intently on finding The One, then all of our scrutinizing and screening will scare off the strongest candidates. After all, someone who is comfortable with himself (in my case) and is ready to offer love and kindness will not particularly enjoy a game of proving himself over and over on multiple shit tests.

I’m knee deep in this quandary right now. Since uploading an “8” picture, and re-working my profile a bit, I’m now on a hot streak, with five live men showing interest. Just this morning by eight am, I had received two phone calls and three emails. They are all out of town, so nothing too immediate is planned. One man is coming to my town on Friday, but we don’t have definite plans yet. So, I find myself in the startling new position of needing to make choices among them.

Am I just leading on the more marginal options? Or, am I remaining open to possibilities? Am I potentially screwing up the two I’m most interested in by playing around with the other three? At what point will I need to make a choice? Or, will they all disappear as quickly as they appeared? Perhaps I should keep working my inbox to keep a steady stream coming in until I am actually in a “committed relationship.”

So guys (and you women who read this), the truth is, you never know anything until you find out. We’re all groping in the dark on some level. One major lesson of dating is to learn to forgive ourselves and our dates for stumbling around and making some of these “mistakes.” There really is not a perfect way to go.

War Story: Overagmed and Underqualified, Part 2.

Continued from our last chapter...

The next day, I receive an email. It's been awhile ago, and I don't remember the exact language she used, but one phrase that I think came close was, "You seem like a nice guy, but I'm not really sure yet."

I called her back later that day. She quickly starts to ask me questions about my divorce, and I tell her some of the story - essentially, that she had some real, personal problems that she refused to address, and the relationship couldn't function anymore. She quickly became concerned, telling me that she had fibromyalgia (a chronic pain syndrome that many people believe to be psychological), and my story really had her worried. She told me, "You told me that it's important for you to date people who are Jewish [a part of answering the "Why are you on eHarmony" question], and I respect that... but I need to know that you think Fibromyalgia is real, and you can deal with it."

I told her that I didn't know whether fibromyalgia was real or not, but I'm sure that her pain was, and I wasn't the type to argue about it. As for whether I'd be able to deal with it... I didn't know enough yet. I told her that I'm looking for someone who I could build a relationship with, and, if she's too sick to have one, it wouldn't work. And I asked her if that's really possible for her. She replied, "yes". A few awkward moments, she asked how I was feeling about our conversation, I replied it's a little weird... but I think we're bonding. She agreed, and went on a quick digression about, "I NEVER kiss on the first date. Never EVER!!", and I replied with, "Yeah, and I could tell you really hated it." She laughed, conversation ended quickly, and we set up a weekend to meet again.

Text banter followed, pretty flirtatious in nature. As I was driving up, she texted me that she needed some help from me... and when I arrived, she instructed me on how to apply some patches to her back for her pain. After that, the greeting was a little cold, but we went to our date (a jazz festival downtown), and the physical ice was finally broken when she giggled as I mentioned playing with our food. I went, "Hmm... I think I know what you like...", dabbed some of the lemon square desert on her cheek, kissed it off. She looked at me with a mock look of horror, I replied, "your turn". She smeared some on my lips - and it was on. To a point where we were quite a spectacle. I think one guy yelled, "Look at the classy guy getting it on with the hot chick!" We both laughed, I returned her home. She asked what I had planned the next day, I mentioned using the hotel gym/pool, and some shopping I had to do - my black pants were messy from the picnic, and I was going to wear them the next day. She was excited by the shopping.

Next day - I didn't get a call from her until late afternoon. She said that the fatigue got to her. I just mentioned that I did my workout... We meet up for lunch - things are a little more comfortable physically. We go to lunch, she asks a lot of questions regarding our separation, my ex-wife's repeated promises to change... and why I didn't stay. I finally asked her, "Well, when would you decide you've had enough excuses, and just accept that she's not going to change?"

She says, "Good point. I've always had problems with that." And starts going into the story with her cheatin' ex-husband. And her continued struggles with him. Over stuff that most people consider "lost causes" in divorce. Like the copy of Windows XP that she was supposed to get from him. Things that just aren't worth the effort for most people going through a divorce.

More mild shit-testing occurs during the day. Over dinner, I kind of confront her about how she likes to pick fights for attention - she gets angry. Actually starts crying. I apologize (mostly to shut her up), we go to the play we had planned (I already bought the ticket), she settles down.

We meet the next day, she's making an effort. Made breakfast for me, looking really good, even for her. And the next day goes well. The day ends, she mentions relaxing with some television at home at the end of the day, I say I'll join her.

We both flop on the beanbag in front of her television, start cuddling, quickly move to making out, and we're pretty hot n' heavy to third base. She tells me that she's got some "trigger points" that need to be relaxed before we go further, or she "can't release" because of her fibromyalgia, and goes to her bedroom for some latex gloves and lubricant. (Already, this isn't sounding like so much fun anymore.)

On the way to the bedroom, the phone rings. She reads the caller I.D., and picks up the phone. Some screaming and carrying on in the bedroom (not the kind I want), she eventually comes out, asking if we could just rest. I agree, ask if it's the ex-husband, she answers yes.

I leave an hour or so later, head home. I call the next day, we decide to be friends.

So... that's the disaster. We'll pick through the "lessons learned" tomorrow.

War Story: Overgamed and Underqualified, Part 1.

Soon after people start understanding the principles espoused by the seduction community, they're usually very eager to practice their skills. Suddenly, every woman becomes a target - especially the attractive ones.

Unfortunately, people who do this often discover that, although good "game" can build attraction, it doesn't make your target any better.

And, in this vein... here's the beginning to a cautionary tale.

This was one of the first matches I "hooked" when I was starting to get my game together. At first, I wondered if she might be a scam profile - she had one picture (and she did look good), and several lines that were more sexually suggestive than most. (One of the things she couldn't live without was the feeling after orgasm.) But, she did respond to communication.

Slowly. VERY slowly. Requiring a nudge after every single step. And a cocky-funny "no response" letter, followed my closure due to lack of response... where she ended up following me on email.

Luckily, I had a business trip to her city in a few weeks, and she agreed, via email, to a phone call to make arrangements. The phone call was pretty friendly (but not really flirtatious, which isn't my usual phone style), with her asking about what brought me into town, our reasons we tried eHarmony, discussion that we were both divorced (she brought up the subject, and it quickly passed), one unusual question (my birthdate) and into the planning of the date. I offered to meet her for lunch at a Thai restaurant I enjoyed, she agreed, and asked if there was anything planned for the evening... I replied that we could decide after we met. I mentioned that my hairstyle was going to be a little different from the pictures, and the phone call ended with the seduction classic, "Sounds good... At least, I'll have a new friend to say, "Hi" to when I visit (her city), right?" It definitely took her back, and she replied "exactly!"

There was some text banter between them and the date... and at one time (because of her asking for my birthdate), teasingly texted her to ask if there was anything on my background check that I needed to know about. She never responded to that question...

We met on the date - and she looked great. Easily, one of the most attractive people I've been on a date with. The greeting was kind of cold, body language was avoidant and distant. We got to our table, and she pulled a few pages out of her purse, and told me that she looked up our astrological compatibility. I laughed, and said, "I wondered why you asked that. I thought you were doing a background check on me." She replied that she thought my question seemed a little odd... but quickly started to read straight from the page - which described how fundamentally incompatible our star signs were, with her emphasizing my cold, calculating, and emotionally shielded nature. After reading this, she asked me, "What do you think?"

I replied, "Wow. You sure take this stuff seriously."

She laughed, and said, "Well, not really. But do you think that describes you?"

I laughed, and said, "No...", and told her that most people think I'm pretty much a "cards on the table" kind of guy. Her body language softened somewhat, there was some light touch... things started to get better after that point. When desert time came, I told her that there wasn't much offered here... but there was a chocolate place up the road. She told me that she could only eat white chocolate... but okay. We walked there, I offerred my arm, she took it quickly and smiled broadly. She started complimenting me on my new haircut, asked if I liked how she looked (indicators of interest, folks...), and I tossed in some self-depricating humor about how much could be done with what hair I had left...

We got to the Chocolatier... The body language was mixed. At times, warm, at times, avoidant. I was having trouble making sense of it. Into the conversation, she noticed that I had a chocolate stain high up on my pants, she got some ice water from the counter, and started to clean it.

Despite the mixed picture I was getting from her body language, I figured she's got to be pretty comfortable if she's cleaning a stain that high on my leg. Thinking through the possibilities on what might work to "cut through" the defense... I went with Mystery's kiss close - I asked, "So, do you want me to kiss you?", she acted somewhat surprised and said, "What kind of question is that?", I replied, "Let's find out", and went for it.

We made out for a couple of minutes, and she broke, saying, "I've got to breathe. I'm seeing stars." I jokingly said back, "Breathing is good", gave her a few minutes, we went back at it again.

I walked her back to the train station after that, she asked about another time, I said I'd check my schedule when I got back home, and I'd call her. Kiss goodbye, date ended.

Do you think that went well? Not really. And you'll see why, in part 2.

Another blog to check out...

Looks like HeyWould Floyd, one of our more active members, has started his own blog.

This should be interesting. Check it out.

Anger: The Hidden Side of Desperation

Usually, when people are doing poorly on eHarmony, they do a lot of things that are counterproductive to their success.

I've talked a lot about the classic "try harder" failure spiral, so I won't repeat myself there.

But, there is another failure spiral as well. It's a cycle of anger.

A lot of times, it's easy to become angry at one of your potential matches. She hasn't responded to an email in a week. Or a series of women who looked really promising refused to open. Or she's "too busy" to go on to the next step of a potential relationship.

The trouble is... when you're angry, you're showing that you're injured by her behavior. But, the fact is, she's a stranger. And, if you're angry at someone you've never even met... she has too much value in your life.

And that much dependence on a stranger's behavior? It's scary. And very unattractive.

If a woman isn't interested in talking to me? Well, she has a right to decide what she wants - just like I do. And if she sees absolutely no interest... well, I'm glad she's not taking time away from my meeting the women who are intrigued. So, it's really no loss. I wish her luck in finding what she's looking for.

If she's too busy? I'm glad to know about it now. There are women who think eHarmony can give them the impossible - the ability to meet men without interrupting their overcrowded and overscheduled lives. If a woman is too busy to meet a guy she's interested in... I feel sorry for her, and hope that she's able to get her life in order someday in the future. But I'm glad that she isn't wasting more of my time.

If she isn't making my standards? She never guaranteed me that she would. I close her, and wish her luck. She may be right for someone else - even if it's not for me.

If I'm having a bad run? Maybe it is a bad string of luck. Or, maybe I'm doing something wrong. But I'm never going to solve a problem by blaming her for it.

So, if you're angry... take a closer look. Odds are, it's your attitude that's making you angry. Not her.

From the Labs: A new "No response" letter

Well, it finally happened to me. I sent out a first "open communication" letter, a week flew by, and the woman didn't respond.

The pick-up artist community has devised a lot of "no response" letters for these occasions. Most of them use humor, in an attempt to show that they are unaffected by the lack of response.

I've used these types of letters on JDate before. They do work. But I wanted to try something different.

In my mind, a woman who's gone through guided communication has already invested some time in meeting you. If she isn't responding... it's because she's busy, or she's lost interest. And, if she's lost interest, one witty line isn't going to bring it back. In fact, the attempt might be seen as pushing her too hard.

What would be a normal, social, non-pushy way to handle someone who didn't respond to a letter?

I asked myself, "What do I do when I call a friend, leave a message, and he doesn't call back?" I don't write cocky and funny jokes to goad his response. I assume he's busy, go about my life, and call him later.

So, that's exactly what I did with her. A few days later, I left a message, describing (in two short lines) what I did over the weekend... and asked her what she's been up to.

No pressure necessary. She's interested in talking further... or she's not. An attempt to goad her into response just seems silly.

And, yes, it "worked", in the sense that I got a response. But, in the end, the chemistry had been "off" from the beginning (this was the woman who spent her first round questions asking about my views of romance), and it didn't get better with her message. I closed the match.

But, if the reason that she didn't respond was legitimate... I'd have felt a lot better with my response than if I tried to goad her with a "cocky and funny" line.

After all, how awkward would I feel if she responded, "No, I'm not a brat who's playing hard to get. I didn't respond because my father died in an auto accident"?

Maryann says:
I agree with your approach to non-responsiveness. Defensiveness seems to be a real problem with eH. Since it takes so many steps to get to open communication, including must haves/ can’t stands, there is a lot of negativity and skepticism between first reading a profile/viewing a pic and actually carrying on a conversation. Giving matches the benefit of the doubt demonstrates advanced relationship skills and self-confidence.

From the Labs: The Fast-Track revisited

eHarmony's shift in advertising strategy has made me think, again, about how fast-track and guided communication may fit in a person's eHarmony strategy.

Over a year ago, when I first tested fast-track, eHarmony was following the "Come here to find the person you want to marry" marketing strategy. And, when women are subscribing to the site with the single-minded purpose of meeting their future husbands, they don't take kindly to a guy who tries to rush her process of evaluation. Causing me to post this article about using fast-track. In spite of the fact that I hadn't used fast track in over a year.

Well, in that year, the advertising strategy shifted. Now, eHarmony isn't emphasizing marriage in their advertisements. What they seem to be emphasizing now is the opportunity to meet people that you'll have effortless chemistry with, because of "deep compatability".

So, if people are coming to the site for effortless chemistry... maybe guided communication isn't the best start. Maybe.

On the other hand, many of the weaknesses of the fast track that I've pointed out in my original article still exist. But, I've been experimenting with modifying people's expectations of what the fast-track means... and, at this point, I can tell you that people are opening them.

I'm still experimenting with this process. At this point, I can't tell how many people will open fast-track for you. Or how many more or less will open fast-track than a guided communication request. But, if you were interested in fast-track communication, I can say that it is a usable option.

Here's what I'd suggest if you want to make the fast track work for you:

First of all, Have a GOOD profile. If people aren't opening communication with you right now, no fast-track strategy is going to be effective.

Next, in the final paragraph of your profile, set expectations. In my "call to action", this is what I'm doing right now:

• Setting the right expectations for fast-track. In an inviting (rather than a negative) tone, tell your prospective matches why you prefer fast-track communication to guided communication. Give a good reason other than impatience or desperation.
• Set guidelines for who you'll fast-track. Make her feel like she's done something to earn your fast-track request. Not enough to sell you on a date yet - but enough to earn the fast track.
• Talk about the fast-track as a different, and better way to get to know someone.

Again, this is still very much "in-the-labs" stuff.... I'll keep you posted on how it's going.

Hey, Maryann fans...

For all those fans of Maryann's writings (and I know there are a lot of you out there)...

She's unable to keep up with my posts on a day-to-day basis. (Who can?) And, when her postings are buried in previous articles, they can be tricky to find.

Well, I've made it easier. When she's responded to an article, I'll add it to the "A woman's thoughts" category that you can see on the left side of the page.

Enjoy!

Changing Times, Changing Strategies

Well, it's been almost six months since I've been back on eHarmony. And, even though my new matches come slowly... I think it's time that I can evaluate how things have been going.

Well, they haven't gone that bad. I've met some interesting folks. And been on my first date with an emmy-winning actress. I have a few "rejects" who keep trying to contact me. A lot of guys would kill to have my problems, I suppose.

But... it hasn't gone as well as it has in the past. And, in my thought, I came up with a pretty good theory as to why.

eHarmony has always depended on advertising to drive new matches into the system. Since I don't watch too much television, and use my Tivo to skip commercials, I've missed some VERY important changes in their advertising strategy.

When I started the process of developing the system, eHarmony advertising was a little different from what it is now. During that time, advertising centered around Dr. Warren's promise that, by using the service, you'd find the "love of your life", and if you'd follow his wise advice, you'd have a happy, wonderful marriage. And the newsletters constantly reinforced that if you didn't stick with the program, you'd be stuck in dead-end, unhappy relationships forever.

So, communication was a pretty big deal. You were constantly being reminded that you were communicating with the person you might marry. So, heavy-handed defensiveness was a part of the culture. And, people accepted Dr. Warren's "fantasy world" of guided communication as a safe place where you could ask hard questions... but transition into a "normal" conversation afterwards.

And my system was calibrated to that culture.

Fast-forward a year, and the marketing message has changed in some interesting ways.

Television advertisements give a constant parade of happy couples... but don't mention marriage anymore. On the website, you have to dig pretty far before the possibility of marriage is mentioned.

That releases a lot of pressure. And a lot of the testiness that was necessary in the old system.

Furthermore, instead of focusing on the hard process of "getting to know each other" through guided communication (and the risks of failing to listen to the ever-so-wise Dr. Warren), the advertisements emphasize an easy chemistry because of the strength of people's compatability. To a point where you don't even NEED to sell yourself in the profile.

Finally, in a more recent development, they're starting to deemphasize the need for guided communication. Granted, they're doing this in the hope that people will spend money on SecureCall - but it's another big shift in the making.

So, yes, they're still overselling. But they're overselling in a different way now. And, in retrospect, the harshness of some aspects of the current system may run against the new culture that eHarmony is promoting.

So... the system must change too. It's not bad now... but it can get better.

And I'm excited about that. You'll see a lot of new things coming soon.

As for the "War Statistics" - we'll hold off on those. I'm doing some pretty wild experiments right now - my statistics won't tell much of a story until the dust settles.

But I've got some interesting developments coming.

Including one "from the labs" finding tomorrow. And let me tell you, it has the potential to be big.

About those undercover investigations...

Every once in awhile, I'll get a question asking how I'd manage a match if I discovered something through some clever ploy. For example, one group of people did manage to view "hidden" photos for awhile. (Don't bother looking for the hack, though - eHarmony closed that security hole.) Some people run Google searches, once they get enough information on their matches. Or look them up on other dating sites.

I'll admit it. A long time ago, I did the same thing. For Jewish singles (at least a couple of years ago), a profile on JDate.com was basically a "calling card" in the singles scene. So, if I ran into them on eHarmony, I'd look them up on JDate as well. And I'd be quite open about it.

Bottom line? I never got good information by doing this. And I gave women the creeps.

Okay, some of the less attractive women said it was "flattering". But when they say that, it's in appreciation of "effort" that men usually don't put into meeting them, which is not a "seductive" strategy. And most women closed me out quickly.

The fact is... doing this IS a little creepy. You're trying to present yourself as an intriguing, confident, and social guy, who needs a little convincing before he's "won". This kind of investigation really contradicts the image that you're trying to present. Going through an investigation indicates that she's obtained more interest than she really deserves at this point. It shows that you're not confident about your ability to learn about her through good, old-fashioned conversation. And, frankly, it makes you look fearful of meeting people.

There are some situations where I still do it. For example, one match's body shot was very distant and blurry (not giving me much sense of what her body looked like), and scarves were around "her" neck in all of them. She opened communication with, "I know you're looking for children, but I can't have one. I won't talk about why, yet, but I thought you should know." I did a google search at that point to see if she was a he... the red flags were just flying like crazy.

But, if you are going to do it... don't talk about it.

(And, yes, I closed communication with my suspected guy. And never mentioned my investigation to him.)

Reflections on yesterday's article...

Wow. The reaction on the Google Group to yesterday's article was amazing.

A lot of talk... some of it good, some of it going in another direction.

Here's what I take home.

First of all... Thanks to our anonymous member for sharing. It took a lot of courage. I posted it because it's a common problem.

When you first start getting good enough to interact with attractive women... our heads kind of spin.

The thoughts go through your head, "I have to get this one to prove myself."

I've been through that phase too. Sometime, I'll write about it. But when you have that attitude, bad things happen.

First of all, we show our neediness in ways that seem subtle to us... but are obvious to the person we're talking to.

Next, we miss important signals. Even someone who didn't immediately think to do the math... could have seen that she's an awfully young doctor. And that she didn't put much effort into her profile. After realizing these things - you do the math, and discover she's a resident. And that, unless both of you are interested only in "call room quickies", it's a dead end from the beginning.

So, again... beauty does cloud our minds.

How do you deal with it?

First of all, start trying to learn to recognize it when it happens. Recognize when you've got the "gotta-have-its". When you stop being curious about her, and start chasing her instead.

Recognize when you're breaking up your life for a woman you haven't even met. eHarmony should not be a job. Don't log in often. Messages should not take a back seat to living your life. Or, if you're not that busy - building your life.

And if you find yourself in this cycle - think. Go into fault-finding mode if you must.

Because high-quality women see the subtle signals we send when we're in the "gotta-have-its". And they don't like or respect guys who've already made up their minds before meeting them.

Maryann adds:

I think your analysis about the eagerness problem was probably right, but I noticed something else. He showed no interest in her as a person. She opened by asking him something personal from his profile and/or guided communications. He answered and ended by asking if she has been to the place(s), but didn’t suggest that they could go there if she is interested. Then he closes with what he hopes she is, but shows no interest in actually getting to know her at all. In fact, he threatens to break up if she isn’t what he has created in his mind. As I look at this example, I’m wondering just how she could respond to that? I’d be tempted to respond with just “yes,” or “no.” (Have you been?)

I understand the move of trying to stay away from gushing and complimenting her hot looks and joining all the schmucks who offer bribes, etc. That is all well and good. But, she expressed an interest in who he actually is. He should return the favor.

I’m writing this up, not to hammer away at the poor brave soul who offered his exchange for comment, but simply because I have this problem a lot. I have two guys in open communication right now. They both have this problem. They want me to prove that I am what they are looking for, but don’t actually ask anything about me. It feels really odd to have a guy overtly flirting in a completely impersonal way. Do they really need me on the other end? A simple, “how is your day going?” would go a long way!

Communication Clinic: When you want it too much...

While we're on the subject of chasing (or not chasing) hot matches, here's a recent set of letters I've received from a reader who'd prefer to remain anonymous.

This writer had previously told me that he was on a good "hot streak". And he looked like he was in the zone - with more action than he could reasonably handle. But this match stopped him dead in his tracks.

The factors here?

• This was a woman who was 10 years younger than him. And it was the first time he'd communicated with someone that young.
• She was hot. He rated her a 7+ out of 10. My bet is on the plus.
• She's a doctor. And that can be intimidating.

And he described his mental frame like this:

"This is the first woman below the age of 30 that I have had respond to an initial communication from me. This latter fact combined with her looks make me want to pursue her just for the learning experience. I have been out with 2 other women this week that are closer to my own age (I am very interested in one of them), but this sub-30 year old barrier is an important psychological milestone for me. I need to know that I can still do this."

Wanting someone this badly (before meeting them) is usually a sign of trouble. Especially someone with a profile he described as "extremely simplistic."

First of all? She wouldn't have responded to your request for communication if she weren't (initially) interested. And, my guess is, there will be others as well. My guess is, if he was able to relax, and let her run her share of the pursuit, this might have worked better. But, unfortunately, he ran into a landmine. She wasn't giving up her phone number - and stopped responding to messages. So, what happened?

Let's look at the open communication letters. She wrote the first one, 18 hours after reading his phase 3 answers:

"Subject: hi
Message: so where do you like to go (a hobby of his)?"

Not much... but it is an advance. And, sometimes, people need a little encouragement before they get "into it". So far, things look okay.

He wrote a response less than an hour later:

Hey [Her Name],

Just a quick note, I'm about to run out the door to meet a friend for dinner...

I most frequently go hop on the [a local place], because it's only a couple of miles from where I live. There's not a lot of challenge or variety there, so when I have more time I like exploring [other places...]. There are some places up around [town where she lives] that I have not been to yet and I hear they are pretty good. Have you been?

I hope you are as funny, active and perky as you sound. If not, well, we may have to break up. ;-)

[Me]

Responding less than an hour later (when she took 18 hours to respond)... that's pretty eager. And not the sign of a guy who needs a little persuasion to let this stranger into his busy life. However, the letter was pretty good, and she may have overlooked the timing. (Maybe it would have been a happy coincidence that she caught him just as he was about to leave?)

Unfortunately, our young jedi's impatience continued. And, when she didn't respond (about 12 hours later), he wrote this message the next morning:

Subject: Good Morning
Message:
Hi [Her Name],

I'm sorry I didn't have a chance to write more last night. I imagine that your job keeps you pretty busy too.

Also, I'm not sure how long you have been doing eH, but the whole internet pen pal thing can get burdensome pretty quick. I was thinking that we could have a quick phone call and see how that goes. I've found it very hard to really get to know someone until you get an actual live voice on the other end. I've probably even got some time tonight if your schedule permits.

Let me know your thoughts...

Have a great day!

[Me]

Oy. This was bad. Let me begin to count the ways. (I can't name them all, unfortunately...)

First of all, he missed an important, but subtle hint about her life. She's a doctor, but she's 27 years old. Let's see, figuring that she had to go at least four years of college, and four years of medical school... I'm figuring she's probably in her second year of residency. Those people are often at work for 36 hour shifts. If he was unable to wait even a single day for a response before even meeting her, she's going to be very worried about how needy he's going to be if they started dating.

Furthermore, responding this soon takes away all of your weapons. Responding this quick means that you're not that busy. And that she doesn't have to work at all to catch you. And messages like this imply that you're not "good enough" to have any real competition for your affections.

So, yeah, he really needed to wait for a response before trying to get her number. And he should have waited awhile before writing the message. The key to my template system is that you're too busy for an email conversation.

Furthermore, the request was in a very supplicative tone. It's like he was asking her for a favor. He's not. The two of them want to talk more, email won't work... this is the natural progression of things. No need for supplication, or elaboration of "what's in it for me." Just, "Hey, I'm too busy to keep up with my email, but I'm thinking we really should talk some more... what's your number?"

So, clearly, the timing was off, and the letter was weak. She stopped responding. In fact, she found time to add more photos to her profile, but not to respond to his letter. Five days later, our young jedi wrote:

Subject: Final Notice
Message:
[Her Name],

I am sending this message to let you know that we are officially breaking up. Sure, we've had some good times, but it's just too much work to keep typing out all of these e-mails. Please don't take it too hard. I'm sure there are at least a couple of other guys out there that are just as witty, clever and handsome as me.

You MAY be able to talk me out of it, but it is going to take some serious begging. ;-)

[Me]

My guess is, she didn't think he was joking.

My advice at this point? Close her, and move on. If his hot streak continues, I'm sure he'll get more hot 20 year olds who are ready to chase him.

But, this time, he'll have the opportunity to make different mistakes.

War Story: What does she REALLY want?

Okay, here's a story behind one of my recent matches.

To give you a sense of what she looked like earlier in the process - she's a pharmaceutical salesman. For those of you who haven't read some of the news stories, these are people who make sales calls on doctors' offices, to try to get the doctors to prescribe more of their medications.

Like it or not, most doctors are men. And the pharmaceutical companies know that attractive women sell more product than simple appeals to their intellect. And there have been a lot of news stories about how the drug companies literally recruit their sales forces from the ranks of college cheerleaders, beauty pageant contestants, and other sources of eye candy.

And, yes, she looked the part. Very well put-together in her photos. Her profile, however, was a bit generic. And contained some worrisome phrases - indicating that she wanted to be wined, dined, and treated like a princess. (I exaggerate - but only a little.)

But she did open communication with me. And her first questions were:

• How important is chemistry to you?
• Your idea of a romantic time would be:
• What do you think of "Soul Mates"?
• How romantic are you?
• What is your opinion of traditional gender roles?

Well, she does have the looks. I'm sure she's got plenty of guys who will attempt to romance her with bribes. And, clearly, there are some "right" answers here.

Trouble is - those "right" answers aren't me. And, in the end, if her idea of romance is incompatible with mine, we shouldn't meet anyway. So... I treated her like everyone else. With no fear.

Here were my answers:

How important is chemistry to me? If it isn't there quickly, there's usually a reason...
My idea of a romantic time? It's what's shared with each other that makes it romantic.
What do I think of "Soul Mates"? Through hard work, anyone you truly love can become your soul mate.
How romantic am I? Most people would say I'm romantic. In a quirky way, maybe, but romantic nonetheless.
What is my opinion of traditional gender roles? Respectful relationships are much more important than sticking rigidly to "traditonal" roles.

Clearly, not the "right" answers.

So, what happened?

Well... she continued. And made some edits to her profile.

I guess I made her think about what she really wanted.

We're in open communication now. I still haven't made up my mind about her... but we'll see.

War Journal, 8/13/07

Well, the list is pretty long here... I'm doing the best I can with the statistics for you folks.

Of the three that were in phase 3 last week - Two finished, after lengthy delays. I'm waiting for their first messages. (One just finished today, the other probably doesn't realize that she MUST write the first message...) The third got nudged... I'll dump her soon if she doesn't move.

One non-responder to phase 1 got nudged, and will be purged soon if she continues...

Got a lot of new matches too:

One went to phase 3, and I'm waiting for her answers.
Three haven't started communication.
I closed one due to distance.
One closed me due to distance.
One closed me, stating, "I have too much happening in my life right now." Strange...

... and that's this week, in review.

Competing for the hotties...

At least some of you are probably wondering - how do I get the "hotties" to respond?

Well, anyone who's read my welcome package knows how difficult it can be. Attractive women get a lot of attention on eHarmony. More than they can reasonably handle. So, if an attractive woman isn't replying to your communication... relax. Don't take it personally. She's probably getting hammered with requests for communication, and may not have even had the opportunity to read your profile.

The good news? Most of the men who are approaching them act like suck-ups. And, usually, it's not the type of man that they really want.

So, how can you put this situation in your favor?

First of all - respect her time and effort. Put up photos that demonstrate your personality. That you're social, interesting, that you take good care of yourself, and that you're worth persuing. Because it only takes a few seconds to look at your photos, and it can be a fast way in (or out) with a woman who may not have the time to read the whole profile.

Also, keep your profile short and casual. Put out your lines of intrigue, demonstrate your personality... but don't spend long, and don't oversell. Selective women are suspicious of braggarts and people who are trying too hard to meet them.

Finally, and most importantly... Don't act like you're already impressed, or already sold. Because, in the end, attractive women want to be treated normally. They have plenty of men who will "suck up" in order to get their phone number. Don't do that. Get to know her. Decide if she has things that intrigue you about her, other than her looks.

Because, to an attractive woman... a self-confident man who will treat her with the respect she earns is a rare thing indeed.

Want an example? I'll give you one tomorrow...

Introducing: New Feature Commentary!

Okay, folks. You've all been bombarded with my perspective. At least some of you are thinking... what do women really think of this stuff?

Let's find out.

Some of you are familiar with Maryann, from her activity on the Google Group.

And if you aren't... I'll let her introduce herself. Here she is, in her own words:

Hi, I’m Maryann. I’ve subscribed to eHarmony twice, for three months each. My first round was pretty typical, I’m afraid. New matches trickled in, two made it to phone calls, and no dates. After the first month or so, I only went to the site only when I received an email notification of a new match or a match communication, and I felt a twinge of pain when those visits also turned up more “Closed Match” messages. I was relieved when my subscription expired and I made sure it would not automatically renew. Whew. I made it out alive, but clearly dating was not for me. That was two years ago. Now I am half way through Round Two.

This time I got lucky. In the first month, I met two interesting, attractive men! Imagine that! I ended up closing on the first, and the second closed on me, but both were reasonably positive experiences.

With two months left on my subscription, and more free time now, in the summer, than I will have when school starts, I got very proactive about learning how to be successful on eHarmony. I was on a quest, and I fell into Scott’s blog, quite by mistake (or by his design!). I read as much as I could over the next few days. When I thought I had a handle on his advice, I overhauled my profile. Surprise, surprise, guys started hanging around instead of closing on me right away. I am now one week into the new approach and I have 31 matches in Communication; most only Stage One, one Stage Two, and one “waiting for him to initiate Open Communication.” I also have placed three “on hold,” testing for dead profiles. So far Scott’s tips have proved helpful.

A week ago I joined the Discussion Group. Again, I read all I could, and began responding. We had a flurry of posts last weekend, learned a lot, and had some fun along the way. Turns out, Scott has been on the look out for a woman to make occasional contributions to his blog, and he invited me to make a submission. You can find my first one at the end of this article.

Thanks, Scott for your helpful site and your warm welcome, and thank you to all the guys I’ve met on the Discussion board. I look forward to offering my experience and perspective.

Maryann

A message to the ones who "get it".

Well... it looks like I've been around long enough to hear some of the success stories that have been coming in.

A good number of you are now starting to have more "communication" than you can reasonably handle. I've even heard stories about how success in eHarmony is starting to affect people's dating lives outside of the service as well.

I've found much the same thing. When you're starting to be successful in dating, a lot of good things happen. You realize that you don't have to put on an act to attract people. You act confidently, and genuinely.

Women notice this. And they know that these are rare qualities. And this adds to the "success spiral".

When you're doing this, and you're discovering that you have to turn desirable women away to protect your free time... you're in the zone. Congratulations.

One more bit of advice, if you're "in the zone".

Observe yourself. Notice how you treat women differently than you did before. Notice the mental frame that you now have.

Because, unfortunately, "dating slumps" happen. And, when they happen, it's easy to fall back into old, unsuccessful habits.

But... when you know what you did right, it's easier to get back into the game.

Communication clinic: The "No Chemistry" date

Here's a date that I've lifted from our Google Group that illustrates some of the "no chemistry" difficulties that a lot of us have...

"Uncle Fester" describes his date as follows:

"[The date was] "at a little cafe-type restaurant over the weekend. This match came in on my last day of eH membership and I fast-tracked her.

I thought it went great - good conversation, opportunities for humor, discussion of interests, family and career [. . .], it just seemed comfortable. We blew off Warren's 15-minute limit on the initial meeting, 90 minutes went by in a flash. I suggested that we meet again and the suggestion was received with apparent enthusiasm. [. . .] The next day I sent a quick followup email with ideas for a next date [. . .], and the response came back of "you're a nice guy but I just don't think we're suited for each other". And the eH match was closed citing "I don't feel the chemistry is there."

So, other than "good conversation", what was the chemistry during the date? In a follow-up post, he writes:

"Her claim that I'm "nice" [. . .] has me a little rankled. Despite her use of the word, I wasn't supplicating or groveling or begging or caving in to everything she said. It was pleasant intelligent conversation between two professional 40-somethings. I picked up definite signs of interest (leaning, hair-flipping) and I was so sure that Meeting #2 was in the bag that I ended the discussion by being clear that I wanted to do it again, and she agreed. Not in a "oh god, let me just agree with him and get the hell out of here" way either."

Okay. I think we've got a decent picture of how the date went.

First off: Let's look at what went right. In this date, Uncle Fester chose a decent site. It's a place that he's familiar with - a slice of his life. And it was what he described (earlier) as an interesting cafe. If she didn't like it... that would be a sign that they weren't right for each other anyway. But she seemed to. And that helped to build a sense that they share something in common.

At first, I was a little worried about the date being composed of "intelligent conversation between two professionals". It sounded a little like "friend zone" or "professional networking" conversation. However, his second post eased my fear. It sounds like there was some interesting banter. He stood up for himself well, but didn't look arrogant. And she started to show signs of interest. So... up until this point, things seemed to be going okay.

So, we had some connection here. What went wrong?

It sounds that the woman here is like most women - she's going to show interest in subtle ways, but she doesn't want to initiate the transition to a more flirtatious phase. For me - I'd start playful touch. Since Fester has quite clearly told us in other posts that he feels that this is "not him", I'd suggest that he investigate other ways to initiate flirtation. The PUA literature hints at a lot of ways that might work better for him, but I have little experience with. Initiating sexual humor. Playing the, "I know you want me, but I'll play hard to get" game. But something needs to be done to build a bridge to something more sexually charged than "two professionals having intelligent conversation". Unless you want to be "just friends", which is also okay. But, if that's true, you needed to make that clear.

Now, let's look at the rest of this through her eyes. She's with a guy who seems interesting... but not ready for the next level - or he would have made a move. And you've had a pretty long date. You're starting to feel tired... and the date ends. He asks for another date - he seems like an okay, professional friend who's having trouble making a move... but okay.

Now that you've looked from her eyes, you see a couple of things that could have been done to make it better.

First of all... The date ran long. She ends the date feeling tired - not eager, excited, and wanting more now. You want to be associated with excitement and tension at this phase. Best to quit on an "up".

Next... you're sending her home after she's impulsively accepted another date.

Now, when she goes home, her thoughts spin. About how the date went. And if she wants the "relationship" that's implied with the next date. And wondering if she wants a relationship with you. And she starts analyzing your interaction with a fine-toothed comb. Not good.

Let's look at her thought process if things had run a little differently. If she had sexual interest in you, and you left her some doubt about whether you'd call (or if she would get a second date), she'd be worried in a different way. She'd be wondering why you didn't call. Worried about what she might have done to screw it up. And, overall... seeing you as an object of desire. Much better, yes?

(And if you had ended the date by making out with her - she'd be frantically justifying to herself why she did that so soon. But that comes with experience. Or not, if it's really not you.)

Finally, you call the next day. You may have seen it as polite. (I did, when I first did this.) But, in her mind... you haven't really shown much sexual interest, and, yet, you're calling the next morning. A little too eagerly. And with a list of possibilities, asking which would please her most.

So, now, you're working hard to please someone that you're not ready to make a move with. You probably meant to be polite, but, to her... it looks a little creepy. Combine that with the reservations she's built in her mind about having a "relationship".

Bottom line? She's uncomfortable. And she wants it to stop. And that's where it ended.

Hey, don't sweat it, Fester. These mistakes are common - that's why I put them on my blog. I know about these mistakes because I made them a million times.

But, once you know what the problems are... it's easier to fix them.

Profile calibration in action: Defusing my job title.

For those of you who read yesterday's article, here's how I practiced what I preach.

One problem that I had with my profile was that a lot of matches immediately closed me, with the statement, "Based on statements in this profile, I'm not interested in this match." Granted - in every good profile, some people should say this. But I was getting a lot.

I experimented with a number of factors. One of them? My career. I do have a high-powered career, and it can give some people the "creeps".

Of course, hiding it would do no good. The profile directly asks what I do for a living - and giving a "weenie answer" to such a benign question would look very bad.

So, I turned it on it's head. I took the "What are you most passionate about" section, and wrote about how my career has allowed me to help so many people.

And, suddenly, a lot of the "creep factor" disappeared. Because I explained that my job isn't the role of an insecure man, trying to gain power over others - it's a way to positively impact the world. And that is something that I'm passionate about.

So, I tested it in the field. And, yes, response rates improved. A lot.

But, there was one problem. People who were in my similar job fields tended to close my profile, with the same statement. "Based on statements in the profile..."

So, I started to think, "Okay. Why would someone in my job field reply this way?" Certainly, they're not intimidated by the stigma that comes with my career...

One answer that came to mind? Maybe they think I'm a workaholic.

So, I added the phrase, "Of course, I'm passionate about a lot of other things in my life as well, but...", and continued the exposition about my job.

And the problem was solved - it reliably attracts people within my career field. And, in spite of the slight watering-down of my passion (something I did worry about), it didn't seem to gather any less enthusiasm from other matches.

... And that's how I solved that problem.

Editing your profile? Think before you edit!

Lately, I've been getting a lot of "profile editing" requests. This isn't a bad thing (please keep them coming...), but when I recieve a profile, I always ask some very important questions.

The questions are: How is your profile doing? And what results do you want to change?

I'd say, about 90% of the time, people usually admit that they really haven't left their profile up long enough for them to answer these questions.

I usually respond by telling them to let it run a little longer as-is, and write back if they're unhappy with something.

The amazing thing is? They usually don't. Which makes me think that they didn't need the help after all.

The fact is, a lot of people are looking to build the "perfect profile". I'm convinced that the "perfect profile" is a mythical beast. It only HAS to be good enough to get enough of the right people to initiate communication.

And, sometimes, we can be our own harshest critics. I can think of a lot of ways in which my profile might be technically flawed. But I'm getting women who live 3 hours away to open communication. To me... that's the sign of a good profile. And my inner critic must be wrong.

Even worse - when you edit a profile, you usually do a number of bad things. You make it more generic. More formal. Less natural. More like you're "trying hard" to get a response. And, usually, you'll end up with a worse profile in the end.

So, if you feel you need to make changes - know what you want to change. Save your "old" version. Only test one thing at a time.

And relax. People are less critical than you think.

WarJournal, 8/6/07

Busy week... in a good way.

In last weeks group:
I purged the girl who hadn't responded to phase 3 questions after a nudge.

I purged the minimal answers/no photos woman.

The suspected scammer that I fast-tracked and offerred friendship to, never answered. Purged.

The decent profile with the hidden photo - Nudged, but still hasn't answered Phase 1 questions and will probably be purged this week.

The "red flag" woman - improved her profile, and left photos. I can see some positives now... she's initiated communication, and we're at Phase 3.

In new matches...

Here's a funny story. Finished exchanging phase 1 answers with one woman, when I realized... I didn't leave my photos visible to her. She closed me immediately afterwards with the message, "I'm perusing other matches". Eh, my looks aren't for everybody. And I've got plenty who are interested. So... Next!

One new match is in phase 3. I might do a field report on her later... stay tuned.

Another new match is also in phase 3.

Initiated conversation with one new person this morning - no response.

One is no photos/minimal answers. And right now, I may become overbooked, if all of the phase 3s are worth meeting. So... I haven't initiated communication.

And I've shut off the eHarmony Blog script. If things go well, I'm teetering on "overbooked". And if they don't, I'll just turn it back on again. No big deal.

And that's this week's war journal...

Overcoming the fear of establishing touch

As I've mentioned before, overcoming my fear of establishing touch was a key ingredient in avoiding the "friend zone".

And a lot of guys do feel anxious about opening that barrier with a woman. But it's an important barrier. After all, for the "friend zone" to be a problem, you have to want a physical relationship. And most women won't go directly from no touch at all to making out. Much less joining you in the bedroom. It's too much of a leap. It has to go in stages, much like other folks' guides to "kino escalation", which is the fancy pickup artist word for "establishing touch". (Google for it, if you need other people's guides to the intermediate steps.)

How did I overcome that fear? Here are some tips:

• Know that the fear is okay. If you're trembling or nervous... it's fine. Some women consider it flattering, and this reaction actually saves you from being labeled as a "player."
• Start by establishing touch with men. Pat them on the shoulder when you're telling a joke. Make playful pokes. Get used to it as a way to bond with someone in a nonsexual way.
• Start at the lower end of the "kino escalation" spectrum. Start with taps on the back of the hand as she shows a sign of interest.
• Learn a few playful games. I'm not normally a fan of "scripted" behavior, but, in this case, it might be a good "training wheel" until you learn to handle your anxiety. There are some good pickup artist routines that involve touch. Palm-reading is a classic. In the right environments, thumb-wrestling or comparing hand sizes can work well too.
• If you change venues during the date (something I recommend doing), offer your arm. It's gentlemanly, and starts at the lower end of the kino escalation spectrum.

In all? Just get out there and do it. Trust me. If a woman is interested in you, she wants you to establish touch with her. Don't disappoint. Unless you want to.

Are the open communication templates manipulative?

A lot of readers have difficulty in following my open communication template. (Scroll to the bottom, and read backward, if you're not familiar with it.)

I suppose, in a way, it runs a little differently than previous sections of the eHarmony Cracked system. Because, in profile building and guided communication, I endorse the concept of fearlessness, rather than following a script.

So, when people see this section, they start to think: I'm really following a script here. And I can see that Scott really believes that this script is effective. And it does make sense. But using time pressure seems manipulative, doesn't it?

Not really.

The fact is, you should have a life outside of eHarmony.

And, if you don't have one, you should be spending time building one.

So, let's establish your life (or the life you're building) as being important. Do you really want to sacrifice it for someone you haven't met? Of course not - you are a busy guy.

So... stand up for yourself. You'll find that women understand and respect the need to accommodate your busy life.

And after all - all you're asking for is a phone number. People give them out every day. After exchanging a lot less information that you've shared in guided communication.

How to use eHarmony dogma... in YOUR favor!

As I've mentioned many times over, the key to avoiding the "friend zone" on eHarmony is to appear to be a desirable guy, who isn't quite sure about the woman you're meeting. Because, when that happens, a woman has to work a little bit in order to attract your attention. And she'll justify that work by telling herself... that you're a desirable guy.

The funny thing is... the eHarmony dogma can actually help you in this task.

Do you see how often eHarmony pushes their "chemistry" line?

They build expectations for chemistry in their television ads.

And they repeat it in their emails.

After the advertisements appealing to the possibility of chemistry... they take it away after you've paid money. Their first message includes the phrase:

We judge compatibility - You judge chemistry! In this partnership, we bring you singles that match you on the inside. Don't let matches where initial chemistry is not strong discourage you. When you find a special person with whom you sense chemistry and attraction you'll know you're set to get to know each other better.

And, if you didn't get the hint, another message follows:

What about Chemistry?

We are passionate about chemistry and believe it to be a big part of any brilliant relationship. As eHarmony founder Neil Clark Warren writes, "Building a great marriage is virtually impossible without the attraction and excitement that come with passionate love."

It is certainly one of the most mysterious of all human emotions and varies inexplicably from person to person in a way that makes it difficult to factor into the matching process. So...we DON'T match on it.

What we focus on is compatibility—matching you based on 29 key dimensions that are vital to long-term relationship success. So we screen for compatibility first and then you determine where there is mutual chemistry.

They held out the promise... and now, it's only a possibility. Tricky, ain't they?

And, then, when a match is reached, they hold out the possibility again.

The next step, Scott, is for you to begin communicating with ________. Explore your shared areas of compatibility, and have fun discovering if there's chemistry.

Guess what? The eHarmony marketing machine has built a lot of tension for you. The possibility of chemistry and happiness...

You'd be foolish not to use it.

It's a great topic to reinforce on the phone. I talk about my eHarmony experience. And about how eHarmony predicts who I'll "get along with", but how rare chemistry is.

And now, if you've done your job, and look like a desirable man... chemistry is her worry, not yours.

After all, you can accept her as "just a friend", right?

Wink, wink. Nudge nudge. I'll say no more.

The hidden value of Phase 1

Ah, yes. Phase one of structured communication. A chance to ask not-terribly-useful, and oftentimes unfriendly multiple choice questions.

Even if you ask a pointed and unfriendly question, the "correct" answers are usually obvious. At best, a woman might signal a "red flag" in this section that might be worth investigating later.

To me, the answers a woman provides in this section are rarely helpful in helping to understand someone better. They're decent icebreakers, at best.

However, the questions that a woman asks in this section... can be very helpful, indeed.

I can't imagine all of the "clusters" that you might see... but here are some. And when you see a pattern - it can make you pause and think.

The emotionally needy cluster:

• How important is chemistry to you?
• Do you consider yourself physically affectionate when involved in a relationship?
• When in a relationship, how much personal space do you generally find you need?
• If you had to characterize the end of most of your romantic relationships, they would be described as:
  

The "I've got a busy life" cluster:

• Would you rather date someone who is (busy, not busy)
• When in a relationship, how much personal space do you generally find you need?

The "I'm in a hurry to get to the altar" cluster:

• How do you feel about relocating for a relationship?
• Which of the following marriage issues do you fear most?
• If you were to marry, how many children would be ideal?

The "star-crossed romatic" cluster:

• Do you consider yourself physically affectionate when involved in a relationship?
• Your idea of a romatic time would be:
• How romantic are you?
• What do you think of "Soul Mates"?

The "I'm nervous about what you'll think of my weight" cluster:

• What are your body-type preferences for your mate?
• What kind of exercise do you prefer?
• How often do you exercise?

The "I'm dealing with baggage from another relationship" cluster:

• How important is it that your partner be accepted by your family and friends?
• If you had to characterize the end of most of your romantic relationships...
• How trusting are you?
• How would you assess your verbal intimacy skills?
• Do you consider yourself a dominant person in your personal life?
• How often do you lose your temper?

Of course, this can't be an exhaustive list... but these lists give you an idea. Again, don't take this too far, and don't jump to conclusions. They're subtle signals about how a woman is relating to you. And they're usually better signs of what a woman is like than how she answers your questions.

Keep it in the back of your mind, and use it as an initial guess as to how you need to relate to her.