Communication clinic: The "No Chemistry" date

Here's a date that I've lifted from our Google Group that illustrates some of the "no chemistry" difficulties that a lot of us have...

"Uncle Fester" describes his date as follows:

"[The date was] "at a little cafe-type restaurant over the weekend. This match came in on my last day of eH membership and I fast-tracked her.

I thought it went great - good conversation, opportunities for humor, discussion of interests, family and career [. . .], it just seemed comfortable. We blew off Warren's 15-minute limit on the initial meeting, 90 minutes went by in a flash. I suggested that we meet again and the suggestion was received with apparent enthusiasm. [. . .] The next day I sent a quick followup email with ideas for a next date [. . .], and the response came back of "you're a nice guy but I just don't think we're suited for each other". And the eH match was closed citing "I don't feel the chemistry is there."

So, other than "good conversation", what was the chemistry during the date? In a follow-up post, he writes:

"Her claim that I'm "nice" [. . .] has me a little rankled. Despite her use of the word, I wasn't supplicating or groveling or begging or caving in to everything she said. It was pleasant intelligent conversation between two professional 40-somethings. I picked up definite signs of interest (leaning, hair-flipping) and I was so sure that Meeting #2 was in the bag that I ended the discussion by being clear that I wanted to do it again, and she agreed. Not in a "oh god, let me just agree with him and get the hell out of here" way either."

Okay. I think we've got a decent picture of how the date went.

First off: Let's look at what went right. In this date, Uncle Fester chose a decent site. It's a place that he's familiar with - a slice of his life. And it was what he described (earlier) as an interesting cafe. If she didn't like it... that would be a sign that they weren't right for each other anyway. But she seemed to. And that helped to build a sense that they share something in common.

At first, I was a little worried about the date being composed of "intelligent conversation between two professionals". It sounded a little like "friend zone" or "professional networking" conversation. However, his second post eased my fear. It sounds like there was some interesting banter. He stood up for himself well, but didn't look arrogant. And she started to show signs of interest. So... up until this point, things seemed to be going okay.

So, we had some connection here. What went wrong?

It sounds that the woman here is like most women - she's going to show interest in subtle ways, but she doesn't want to initiate the transition to a more flirtatious phase. For me - I'd start playful touch. Since Fester has quite clearly told us in other posts that he feels that this is "not him", I'd suggest that he investigate other ways to initiate flirtation. The PUA literature hints at a lot of ways that might work better for him, but I have little experience with. Initiating sexual humor. Playing the, "I know you want me, but I'll play hard to get" game. But something needs to be done to build a bridge to something more sexually charged than "two professionals having intelligent conversation". Unless you want to be "just friends", which is also okay. But, if that's true, you needed to make that clear.

Now, let's look at the rest of this through her eyes. She's with a guy who seems interesting... but not ready for the next level - or he would have made a move. And you've had a pretty long date. You're starting to feel tired... and the date ends. He asks for another date - he seems like an okay, professional friend who's having trouble making a move... but okay.

Now that you've looked from her eyes, you see a couple of things that could have been done to make it better.

First of all... The date ran long. She ends the date feeling tired - not eager, excited, and wanting more now. You want to be associated with excitement and tension at this phase. Best to quit on an "up".

Next... you're sending her home after she's impulsively accepted another date.

Now, when she goes home, her thoughts spin. About how the date went. And if she wants the "relationship" that's implied with the next date. And wondering if she wants a relationship with you. And she starts analyzing your interaction with a fine-toothed comb. Not good.

Let's look at her thought process if things had run a little differently. If she had sexual interest in you, and you left her some doubt about whether you'd call (or if she would get a second date), she'd be worried in a different way. She'd be wondering why you didn't call. Worried about what she might have done to screw it up. And, overall... seeing you as an object of desire. Much better, yes?

(And if you had ended the date by making out with her - she'd be frantically justifying to herself why she did that so soon. But that comes with experience. Or not, if it's really not you.)

Finally, you call the next day. You may have seen it as polite. (I did, when I first did this.) But, in her mind... you haven't really shown much sexual interest, and, yet, you're calling the next morning. A little too eagerly. And with a list of possibilities, asking which would please her most.

So, now, you're working hard to please someone that you're not ready to make a move with. You probably meant to be polite, but, to her... it looks a little creepy. Combine that with the reservations she's built in her mind about having a "relationship".

Bottom line? She's uncomfortable. And she wants it to stop. And that's where it ended.

Hey, don't sweat it, Fester. These mistakes are common - that's why I put them on my blog. I know about these mistakes because I made them a million times.

But, once you know what the problems are... it's easier to fix them.