Communication Clinic: When you want it too much...

While we're on the subject of chasing (or not chasing) hot matches, here's a recent set of letters I've received from a reader who'd prefer to remain anonymous.

This writer had previously told me that he was on a good "hot streak". And he looked like he was in the zone - with more action than he could reasonably handle. But this match stopped him dead in his tracks.

The factors here?

• This was a woman who was 10 years younger than him. And it was the first time he'd communicated with someone that young.
• She was hot. He rated her a 7+ out of 10. My bet is on the plus.
• She's a doctor. And that can be intimidating.

And he described his mental frame like this:

"This is the first woman below the age of 30 that I have had respond to an initial communication from me. This latter fact combined with her looks make me want to pursue her just for the learning experience. I have been out with 2 other women this week that are closer to my own age (I am very interested in one of them), but this sub-30 year old barrier is an important psychological milestone for me. I need to know that I can still do this."

Wanting someone this badly (before meeting them) is usually a sign of trouble. Especially someone with a profile he described as "extremely simplistic."

First of all? She wouldn't have responded to your request for communication if she weren't (initially) interested. And, my guess is, there will be others as well. My guess is, if he was able to relax, and let her run her share of the pursuit, this might have worked better. But, unfortunately, he ran into a landmine. She wasn't giving up her phone number - and stopped responding to messages. So, what happened?

Let's look at the open communication letters. She wrote the first one, 18 hours after reading his phase 3 answers:

"Subject: hi
Message: so where do you like to go (a hobby of his)?"

Not much... but it is an advance. And, sometimes, people need a little encouragement before they get "into it". So far, things look okay.

He wrote a response less than an hour later:

Hey [Her Name],

Just a quick note, I'm about to run out the door to meet a friend for dinner...

I most frequently go hop on the [a local place], because it's only a couple of miles from where I live. There's not a lot of challenge or variety there, so when I have more time I like exploring [other places...]. There are some places up around [town where she lives] that I have not been to yet and I hear they are pretty good. Have you been?

I hope you are as funny, active and perky as you sound. If not, well, we may have to break up. ;-)

[Me]

Responding less than an hour later (when she took 18 hours to respond)... that's pretty eager. And not the sign of a guy who needs a little persuasion to let this stranger into his busy life. However, the letter was pretty good, and she may have overlooked the timing. (Maybe it would have been a happy coincidence that she caught him just as he was about to leave?)

Unfortunately, our young jedi's impatience continued. And, when she didn't respond (about 12 hours later), he wrote this message the next morning:

Subject: Good Morning
Message:
Hi [Her Name],

I'm sorry I didn't have a chance to write more last night. I imagine that your job keeps you pretty busy too.

Also, I'm not sure how long you have been doing eH, but the whole internet pen pal thing can get burdensome pretty quick. I was thinking that we could have a quick phone call and see how that goes. I've found it very hard to really get to know someone until you get an actual live voice on the other end. I've probably even got some time tonight if your schedule permits.

Let me know your thoughts...

Have a great day!

[Me]

Oy. This was bad. Let me begin to count the ways. (I can't name them all, unfortunately...)

First of all, he missed an important, but subtle hint about her life. She's a doctor, but she's 27 years old. Let's see, figuring that she had to go at least four years of college, and four years of medical school... I'm figuring she's probably in her second year of residency. Those people are often at work for 36 hour shifts. If he was unable to wait even a single day for a response before even meeting her, she's going to be very worried about how needy he's going to be if they started dating.

Furthermore, responding this soon takes away all of your weapons. Responding this quick means that you're not that busy. And that she doesn't have to work at all to catch you. And messages like this imply that you're not "good enough" to have any real competition for your affections.

So, yeah, he really needed to wait for a response before trying to get her number. And he should have waited awhile before writing the message. The key to my template system is that you're too busy for an email conversation.

Furthermore, the request was in a very supplicative tone. It's like he was asking her for a favor. He's not. The two of them want to talk more, email won't work... this is the natural progression of things. No need for supplication, or elaboration of "what's in it for me." Just, "Hey, I'm too busy to keep up with my email, but I'm thinking we really should talk some more... what's your number?"

So, clearly, the timing was off, and the letter was weak. She stopped responding. In fact, she found time to add more photos to her profile, but not to respond to his letter. Five days later, our young jedi wrote:

Subject: Final Notice
Message:
[Her Name],

I am sending this message to let you know that we are officially breaking up. Sure, we've had some good times, but it's just too much work to keep typing out all of these e-mails. Please don't take it too hard. I'm sure there are at least a couple of other guys out there that are just as witty, clever and handsome as me.

You MAY be able to talk me out of it, but it is going to take some serious begging. ;-)

[Me]

My guess is, she didn't think he was joking.

My advice at this point? Close her, and move on. If his hot streak continues, I'm sure he'll get more hot 20 year olds who are ready to chase him.

But, this time, he'll have the opportunity to make different mistakes.