About those undercover investigations...

Every once in awhile, I'll get a question asking how I'd manage a match if I discovered something through some clever ploy. For example, one group of people did manage to view "hidden" photos for awhile. (Don't bother looking for the hack, though - eHarmony closed that security hole.) Some people run Google searches, once they get enough information on their matches. Or look them up on other dating sites.

I'll admit it. A long time ago, I did the same thing. For Jewish singles (at least a couple of years ago), a profile on JDate.com was basically a "calling card" in the singles scene. So, if I ran into them on eHarmony, I'd look them up on JDate as well. And I'd be quite open about it.

Bottom line? I never got good information by doing this. And I gave women the creeps.

Okay, some of the less attractive women said it was "flattering". But when they say that, it's in appreciation of "effort" that men usually don't put into meeting them, which is not a "seductive" strategy. And most women closed me out quickly.

The fact is... doing this IS a little creepy. You're trying to present yourself as an intriguing, confident, and social guy, who needs a little convincing before he's "won". This kind of investigation really contradicts the image that you're trying to present. Going through an investigation indicates that she's obtained more interest than she really deserves at this point. It shows that you're not confident about your ability to learn about her through good, old-fashioned conversation. And, frankly, it makes you look fearful of meeting people.

There are some situations where I still do it. For example, one match's body shot was very distant and blurry (not giving me much sense of what her body looked like), and scarves were around "her" neck in all of them. She opened communication with, "I know you're looking for children, but I can't have one. I won't talk about why, yet, but I thought you should know." I did a google search at that point to see if she was a he... the red flags were just flying like crazy.

But, if you are going to do it... don't talk about it.

(And, yes, I closed communication with my suspected guy. And never mentioned my investigation to him.)