Here's where a lot of men make a crucial mistake. Men start chasing women, hoping that, with persistence, women will have sex with them. But when men do this, women start to feel like it's a conquest. They feel objectified. And become more and more uncomfortable with the idea.
Chasing is completely unnecessary. Women like to have sex just as much (if not more) than we do. So... do what you did to get them on the date, and building intimacy with you. Make them chase you.
Break the makeout sessions off sooner than she'd like, saying that you have to do something else.
Tease them about how much they want you... but you haven't made up your mind.
In short, leave 'em wanting more.
Pretty soon, they'll start attacking you.
Finally, when you're finally ready to cut her some slack... be ready. Have the room cleaned. Have her light some candles. Put on some music. Set a romantic mood.
Women, in general, like the fantasy of having it "just happen", instead of being the object of giving into a guy fumbling a million times. Or as a "reward" for being treated well. Or giving into a guy's pleading.
So... when the time is right... just let it happen. And give 'em what they want.
Maryann says:
Well, once again Scott has set the standard for honesty, openness, and fearlessness applied effectively to succeed at eH, this time applied to sex. Well done.
A note to women: (shut your eyes, guys… this is not for you!) As a feminist, I find pornography destructive to male self-esteem. It makes men think about how to achieve success rather than how to receive, give, and share in healthy, earthy, fan-damn-tastic sex. Guys are so interested in their own performance and whether or not they scored the woman’s orgasm, they forget they have a real, living breathing human being before them who wants to connect, even if just physically. (I know some of you guys are reading this because you just can’t help yourselves, so I’ll tell you. It is true. Women can only want to connect physically. We are not all looking for the meaning of life and a commitment for eternity in the eyes of our lover at that special moment. Ugh.)
So, for these reasons, I had “Can’t Stand Pornography” in my list originally. That was my only mention of sex any place in my profile or guided communication. While it was true, it was not the whole story, so I found another true way to present myself. I dropped that out (though, trust me, we have this conversation before they get near my bed!), and put in “Can’t Stand Uninterested” (I can’t stand a partner who is uninterested in sex on a regular basis.) That is also true. Why would I want to be in a relationship with a guy who thinks a good time is crashing on my sofa to watch TV while I do dishes in the other room? Those are called teenagers, not lovers.
Finally, I considered choosing a “passionate” or “experienced” Must Have, but decided against it. Guys want to work for our sexual expressions, and they should. I’m not a prostitute who performs on demand out of a pre-conceived expectation. I am a real woman with something real to offer, in bed and out. They can appreciate me for the whole package or they can move on. So, that is my version of fearlessness in eH.
I also agree with Scott that we women should set the pace for the move from guided communication through the first dates to the “talk” and finally the act. The guys are willing and ready and we should give them clues about when we are ready to take the next step ~ one step at a time. A guy who pushes too hard gets pushed out of my queue! Not to overstate it, but rape is a real fear for women and we’ll err on the side of protecting ourselves, even from a guy who seems otherwise like he could be The One. Too much, too soon is a deal breaker if it is not “natural” and within an open context of safety (he’ll take no for an answer if I start to get uncomfortable). Words like “respect,” “honor,” and “care” go a long way here, guys. Here is an actual quote that put me at ease in the context of The Talk. “I look forward to knowing you intimately. Please be sure I will honor and care for you. You have nothing to fear from me, my sweetheart.”
Something that direct and verbalized is probably not necessary most of the time, but this was a specific circumstance. I’m just giving you an idea of what I’m talking about.
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