If you're on the date, and she's not into you...

Let's suppose that you're on the date, and you're not even getting mixed signals. Her body language indicates no indicators of interest. She doesn't seem very curious about you. You tried a tap on the hand, and she pulled back further.

If this happens rarely... don't worry about it much. For your own mental health, I recommend that you don't chase women who are not showing any interest in you.

If you're an experienced pick-up-artist (or feel like you need some practice in your technique), you might want to try to treat her as a "cold approach", and try to build that sense of attraction... but it's going to be a hard struggle.

Hey, not everyone will like what you have to offer. Cut the date short, and wish her luck.

If it's happening routinely though, you're probably doing something wrong. And it's probably something that you're doing early in the process - not on the date itself.

Here's a checklist of things that can kill a date:

• Using inaccurate pictures, or false statements in profile or communications.
• Acting in a way that's completely different from the picture you set forth in your profile.
• Not asking hard enough questions during guided communication.
• Offering bribes before, or during the date.
• Coming on too strong - demonstrating a level of romantic or sexual interest that isn't healthy for how much you really know about her.
• Demonstrating disrespect or criticism of her values.
• Being too deferential - letting her make all the choices.
• Demonstrating that you're more interested in making her happy than making yourself happy.
• Spending more time pleasing her than expressing your interests and personality.
  
• Poor hygiene.
  

In short, if you're not developing that chemistry - find out what you're doing wrong. Fix it, and don't do it again.

Handling mixed signals

Sometimes, physical escalation doesn't go as smoothly as my last post suggests.

The most common problem that I see is that of "mixed signals".

For example: She's accepting your touch... but tensing, and not reciprocating.

There are a couple of reasons why this might be happening: both good and bad.

In the more hopeful case, you're confirming that she's attracted to you, but she's not comfortable with you yet.

In my last post, you may have noticed that I made an unusual stem for conversation: "I'm sure you've got a million questions, go ahead." It flies in the face of conventional PUA technique.

But, PUA technique is designed to enhance attraction. By this time, you should have it. And the fact that you're getting mixed signals helps to confirm it. (If she's not attracted, you'll get no signals.)

She's attracted, but she's anxious about something. By letting her ask a few questions, she'll let you know what's behind the "block".

Listen to her questions. Not only the question itself, but to whatever anxiety is forcing her to ask those questions.

In my experience... the biggest "blocks" are in determining my intentions (if I'm really looking for a serious relationship), and in reassuring themselves that my divorce was for the right reasons. You will probably have a different set of usual "blocks", that will become more familiar to you as you proceed.

Usually, when these are addressed correctly, the "block" will fade nicely.

But, sometimes, the block is a little deeper. And, when it's too deep, the best you can do is confirm that really is her block, and not something you're doing wrong.

During those times, it's important to really listen to what she's saying.

For example, I had one date who wasn't reassured by the usual divorce story. That seemed unusual. But the talk marched on, and she started to talk about how she left her fiancee 3 months before meeting me.

My response, "Wow. That's got to be hard. How are you feeling about dating right now?"

She answered, "I'm really not very sure. I only signed onto eHarmony for the personality test. But you seemed interesting, so you were the only guy that I talked to."

From that answer... I pretty much confirmed that she wasn't emotionally ready for a relationship yet. Otherwise, she seemed okay.

I wrapped up the date quickly, and emailed her the next day saying that I thought there might have been some chemistry... but I sensed that it was just too soon for her to return to dating. She agreed. And we still casually keep in touch today. But pursuing this woman would be a mistake. There's too much damage, and I'm better off finding a woman who is more emotionally ready for what I want.

So... if those blocks are too large to address... act with class. And move on. You don't want to become a therapist for the emotionally unstable women out there. And there are a lot of them.

And, also, be aware that this advice is for "mixed signals" coming from rather casual touch. Frank sexual contact is another can of worms, and most women will give some mixed signals before they have sex with you.

We'll talk about how to handle that later.

Don't sweat the physical stuff

As I've mentioned, if you've done the right things during communication, and the woman doesn't have too many of her own "mental game" issues to deal with, she should be showing signs of interest. Quickly.

Unfortunately, when you're in a cycle of failure, initiating physical contact creates a lot of worry. Thoughts run through your head... Am I being too aggressive? What if she gets angry?

Relax. Most mature women have dealt with men who have been too aggressive. And they have the social skills to politely turn you down without losing face.

It's really no big deal.

On the other hand, when she is ready, and you don't initiate physical contact, women either assume that you aren't interested, or you don't know what you're doing. And that is a deal-killer.

So, if she's showing interest... you need to establish physical contact quickly.

Start small. Tap her on the hand, and see how she reacts. If she shows more signs of interest... escalate.

Even if you're at a table, you can still establish playful physical contact. Gentle kicking. Comparing hand sizes. Thumb wrestling. Palm reading.

If things are going well... say you want to go somewhere else. If you're at a bar, bar-hop. If you had dinner, suggest desert somewhere else. If it's an activity, take her for a snack or drink. Offer your arm, and lead her.

Gently squeeze her hand. If she squeezes back, she's very interested and in-tune.

... and, when you're ready to go for the kiss, find some place that's a little isolated.

And, again, don't be afraid. If she doesn't want to be kissed, she'll make it pretty obvious, and it isn't really a big deal.

... and if you need more advice, there's plenty of "kino escalation" guides on the internet.

So, that's how it goes when everything's smooth. But, what if she's giving mixed signals?

We'll talk about that tomorrow.

How eHarmony dates are different

A lot of people moan about how eHarmony is a very slow process. However, if you complete your profile and structured communication in the ways that I've stated, you've eliminated some of the biggest blocks in the dating process.

Normally, pick-up artists describe how it's necessary to attract a woman's interest, and get her to invest in seeking your approval.

Guess what? If you're on a date with someone you've met on eHarmony... 99% of the work is already done.

Meet with a handshake. And do just enough smalltalk to get her feeling a little less stressed, and a little more comfortable.

Some of my favorite topics?

Ask about eHarmony - what made her come to it? What have been some of her most awkward moments? Did she try other dating services first? What were the horror stories?

... and I'm sure she's got a million questions. Start answering some of them. Usually, she'll politely ask if you have any. I usually reply, "Well, of course I do. But I like to see what questions you'll ask". And answering this way should keep her from probing too deeply.

Ask specifics about her profile... about things that seemed interesting. Get her to tell stories.

And while you're talking to her, watch your posture. Lean back, not forward.

And watch for signs of interest. They'll come very quickly. Often within 10 minutes. You've done a lot of groundwork in the communication process.

Some of the most commonly cited indicators of interest? Her leaning forward in response to your leaning back. Asking questions when invited. If you're not at a table, her turning to you in order to talk. Her scanning her eyes up and down as she talks. Signs of "nervous" behavior. Maybe even her "tapping" or brushing against you.

If she's showing interest... you need to start establishing playful physical contact. Quickly. Or she'll assume that you aren't interested in her. (Believe me, I've blown this many times...)

... and, I think that's a good topic for tomorrow.

My goals, my perspective

Before I discuss my "game plan" for dates, I think it's important that I talk about what my goals are... and a little bit about what brought me here.

Because, if your goals are different from mine, you will want to change my game plan.

After I returned to dating after my 8 year marriage ended, I found it hard to find dateable people. Online or offline. And, online, I was having a lot of difficulty getting matches to talk with me.

When I did succeed in getting a date, it almost universally ended in the woman implying that there was "no chemistry".

And, for a long time, I languished in the "loser's cycle", blaming women for not appreciating "nice guys" like me.

But, after awhile, I started to realize that there needs to be a solution to the "no chemistry" problem... and that I might be part of the reason for it. And that's when I discovered the pick-up artist community.

For me, the pickup artist community was a resource to help me with the "no chemistry" problem. And, yes, it taught me a lot about what I was doing wrong.

But, although I've appreciated what I've learned, I've never wanted the PUA lifestyle.

Bottom line - I'm interested in meeting the "right" woman. Not in a series of non-relationship hookups. My PUA mentors are doing what's right for them, and I respect that. But it's not a life I want to lead.

So, my "technique" is a hybrid. I use PUA technique to build the initial attraction and chemistry, but try to translate that into a framework where I can evaluate someone for a long-term relationship.

It's a hybrid that works for me. (Or at least, better than I did before I met the community). And if you have similar goals, it will work for you.

But, if you're not interested in a potential long-term relationship, the conduct of your date should be different. Many women feel uncomfortable starting a relationship with a man who's thinking of a long-term relationship. Many PUA techniques are designed to avoid the relationship behaviors and actions that scare these people away.

But... I don't care if they are scared away.

Don't get me wrong. I'm no relationship nazi. Dating is fun, even if you meet people who aren't going to be good long-term partners. And I've met some great friends along the way. But, for me, the goal isn't just doing what it takes to get laid.

... but, if that's your goal, take my dating advice with a grain of salt. Use what's useful, dump what isn't.

Just like I've done with everyone else's material.

War Journal, 3/26/07

Here's this weeks stats:

Closed matches
One closed in open communication - Too vague in communication, no photos.
Closed the one that was in limbo because neither of us really wanted to make the phone call...
One closed before communication - lives too far away.
One closed - student living 3 hours away.
One closed - No photos, minimal answers to questions... probably an abandoned profile.
One closed me, citing "other".
One closed due to lack of response.

Active matches
5 who have not answered initial questions. Suspect one's inactive. (Makes reference to fall and winter as being romantic times to meet someone.)
One waiting for open communication - kinda borderline, but I'm willing to meet...

Match in limbo
Waiting for open communication on one - mentioned her father's dying, so I'm willing to wait.

Yes, it's slow. Most people who follow my advice have higher percentages - remember, I'm only searching for a religion present in 1% of the population, and have expanded my search to include a large city 3 hours away. If I lived in that city, I wouldn't expand my list to include my area.

But, even then... this is unusually slow. Hmm...

The date: Time to build 'em up.

Hopefully, by now, you're successfully luring women into the first date.

It seems like an atypical lure - you're being yourself. You've shown that a few things have sparked your interest... but you're not sold. In fact, you're a little suspicious that she's not who she claims to be. You've still got a million questions. And you've agreed to "meet" out of deference to the fact that you're a busy guy.

In short... you've been pretty harsh.

A lot of people who start reading PUA (pick-up artist) literature will continue to do this... for much longer than they need to. And it's an unfortunate mistake.

Let's take a look at a similar situation. Suppose that you have a new boss at work. He's demanding. You put in long hours for him, and try to make him happy.

If he starts to reward your hard work... you start to treat each other with respect. He values what you contribute, and you respect his standards. And this dynamic helps both of you maintain a good, solid, workplace relationship.

If he starts to become angry, inconsolable, and unreasonable... you start thinking he's an asshole who would be impossible for anyone to please. And, if you have any options available to you, you're going to leave at your first opportunity.

So, when I start on a date... I usually do start with a handshake, rather than a hug.

But if a woman's trying to demonstrate that she's meeting my standards, and she's showing signs of interest, it's time to start passing out the rewards. And considering the antagonistic nature of eHarmony, you probably need to do it quickly.

What self-respecting woman wants to be with an inconsolable jerk?

I'll get more specific next week.

War Story: The Red Flag Zone

People try to get away with a lot of things... even on eHarmony.

Over the last couple of weeks, I had a match that seemed intriguing at first. She was a professional art photographer. Her essays demonstrated definite intelligence. And, yes, she was attractive - triathlete body and all. Looked promising.

There was a definite delay in her answering Phase 1 questions (she required a nudge)... but after that, phase 2 whipped by quickly.

And there was a delay in answering her phase 3 questions. Another nudge.

Two nudges... hmm. I almost never have to nudge that hard. And, when I did... they were usually uncertain and insecure when I met them.

Six days after the nudge, I had my answers.

And they started to make me feel uncomfortable.

As I've implied, I don't rely upon eHarmony as my only tool to meet new people. Other than "real life", I've also used JDate, a dating website for Jewish folks.

One thing that I've noticed on JDate is that I'd get a lot of attention from older women, with profiles that included such phrases as, "I look and act younger", "People mistake me for someone much younger", and so on.

I can't blame 'em for trying... but when you're looking for the "wife and kids" thing, age is a factor in deciding who I'll date.

Sure enough... this woman's phase 3 answers included multiple references to looking and acting younger. Hmm... why would someone in my age range delay communication, and "leak" insecurity about her age? Red flag raised.

So... I took a closer look at the photos.

They're all black and white.

One of the photos was head-on, with the caption that it was from "my third triathlon".

The head-on photo was perfect. (Wouldn't she have run into the cameraman?) Focus was perfect (while she was moving?). Background was obscured in black - it was absolutely blank. All in all, another red flag. This photo was obviously heavily edited... and probably a posed shot.

And a further examination of the photos... her facial features changed.

I zoomed in on the photos. Definitely photoshopped.

The red flags were flying too hard. I wasn't going to travel an hour away to meet her. It was time to close this match. I just used, "other".

Maybe she's more honest than she seems. I certainly hope so, for her sake.

But I've got other people to pursue. Why waste time and effort meeting her?

After Boot Camp: Keeping your eyes open

I hope that some of you have enjoyed last week's "Boot Camp" series... and are starting to think of themselves in a new light.

A lot of times, people assume that they're unsuccessful with women because they're unattractive. Hopefully, this "boot camp" has started to show you that women are attracted to you... but you've been missing the signs.

I've been there, myself. I went through the same process that I suggested to you.

Now that your eyes are open... it's time to do what's necessary to maintain this belief.

Basically... don't spend so much time in your apartment. Get out. Do things.

Talk to strangers, and make it a habit. Don't just target women - talk to everyone. Engage in "small talk".

If you're not in public, and you're not acting socially... you can't see if women are interested in you or not!

When you're out, dress presentably. (It's hard to be attractive if you're dressed in rags, yes?)

And... keep on looking for signs that women are interested.

An internet search will probably bring up many pickup artists lists of "IOIs" (or Indicators of Interest). Start looking for them.

If you're talking to a group of people, and a woman tries to interrupt to talk to you... it's probably because she's interested.

If she's turning toward you... it's a sign of interest.

If she makes eye contact and smiles... it's a sign of interest.

If she tries to continue a conversation after you've signaled it's time to go... it's a sign of interest.

Turning these signs of interest into a successful "pickup" isn't the purpose of this site - there are much better teachers out there. This isn't the point of this exercise. (In fact, many teachers advise against looking for indicators of interest before making a pickup attempt.)

It's to make sure that you never stop believing in your attractiveness. The evidence is always around you. You just need to open your mind and see it.

And now, a word from REAL psychologists...

One thing that has always frustrated me about the eHarmony marketing campaign is how they promote their service as the only safe and certain way to meet the "love of your life".

And, when you dig deeper into their marketing material... they suggest doing some very extraordinary things. They suggest relying on eHarmony exclusively. They counsel one woman that she needs to relax her standards on who she should consider dating.

In short... put your brain on hold, and trust the computer. And keep handing them money. After all, Dr. Clark is a real scientist, isn't he?

If you're thinking of buying into that, you really need to read this article. They explain, much better than I can, how eHarmony's extravagant claims are really hurting some people.... and how ill-founded their claims are.

Let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater, here. eHarmony is a great way to meet some people that you may not have met otherwise. I've met many women through the site, and usually saw why a computer might think we'd be a good "match". It's been a fun experience (overall), and I'm a happy subscriber.

But putting all of your eggs in the eHarmony basket? Letting the computer decide who's right for you? That's just unhealthy.

Keep your standards high. Meeting your "matches" can be fun. But a computer match, alone, doesn't mean she's right for you.

And you need to maintain that perspective in order to be successful.

PS. Yes, you should be getting more than 1-2 matches a month. That statistic is wrong... but almost everything else in the article, IMHO, is spot on.

The ONLY time to talk about sex...

Normally, I'm not a fan of suggesting entries for people's "must haves/can't stands".

But... there's one thing that a lot of people feel uncomfortable listing.

Basically, you're interested in meeting women. And women know that you probably want to have sex.

And, if you don't list it in your must haves/can't stands, it makes a woman think that you're being a dishonest suckup.

I'll admit it. I made this mistake. I've always been rather laid back about sex, calmly assured that, if both people feel comfortable about each other, comfortable talking to each other, and relate to each other in a mature way... sex is going to be great. So, I didn't even put it on my must haves/can't stands.

And, I was surprised when a lot of women closed me, saying that our must haves/can't stands don't match.

That ended when I put in my expectations.

So... don't make the same mistake.

You have a lot of options. If you're morally or religiously against premarital sex, list it. Otherwise, you really need to include "chemistry" (which implies sex), "passionate", or "sexually knowledgeable" in your list.

But don't talk about it again until you meet.

War Journal, 3/19/07

Here's a summary of this week's activity...

Matches in progress:
Two have not yet started Phase 1 communication.
One is about to write her first open message. (The "dying father" match. Otherwise, I wouldn't allow her to sit at this phase for so long.)
One is in open communication (But I'm moving toward closure - Pretty unappealing so far, and providing no photos).

Matches in limbo:
One new match joined yesterday, provided no "about me" information or photo. Put on hold, I'll wait 2 days before closing.
One in open communication, and I have her phone number... but I'm not really all that interested in calling.

Matches closed:
Two closed due to their not answering phase 1 questions.
One left her email address in her "about me" information. Sorry, if you're not paying, you're really not that motivated... Closed!
One was closed one due to EXTREME vague and evasive answers in the profile.
One was closed in phase 3 - she's giving "red flags" that she's lying about her age.
One was closed due to geography (Five hour drive to meet her).
One was closed because I'd already met (and dated) her.
One closed me citing the difference in our ages.
One closed me citing "other".
One closed me citing "I'm pursuing another relationship".

Self-Confidence Boot Camp - Part Three

Hopefully, by the time you've completed your "Hot or Not" exercise, you're realizing that... you're probably not as bad looking as you thought. Certainly, more attractive than a lot of people out there. And a few people think that you're really hot.

This weekend... it's time to test it out in the real world.

This is an exercise that a friend recommended. I have to post it as-is, because it's someone else's work, that I'm using with permission.

When you do his exercise, however, don't actually approach women.

In fact, if they approach you, I want you to politely say that you're busy right now.

Actually making the approach takes more skill. And it's not the point of the exercise. The point is so you can see that... in the right environment, many women (but, certainly, not all women) will show interest in you.

Oh, and if you're afraid that someone is going to get you in trouble... Don't worry. It won't happen. But if someone does rudely accuse you of staring at her, just say, "Sorry. I was wondering whether to tell you that you have some food on your chin."

So... this weekend... put on some of your best clothes. Put on some cologne. Shave. Tweeze stray hairs. Cut your toenails. Look your best, and do whatever you need to do to feel more confident about yourself. And, go to a public place (a mall, bookstore, or coffeeshop will work just fine), and give this exercise a try.

And now... here's the article.

Title: How To Get Women To Approach YOU
By: Thundercat


I think you're really going to like this article, because I'm going
to share a little trick with you that I've developed that really
makes it easy to meet a woman.

Too often, guys are simply too nervous to approach a girl because
of the extreme amount of uncertainty involved.

Think about it. What runs through your head when you want to meet
a woman?

"Am I her type?"
"Does she have a boyfriend?"
"Will she find me attractive?"
"Maybe she's too busy to meet anyone."
"Will she be receptive to me talking to her?"

I'm sure you can think of a 100 more things that run through your
mind when you see an approach opportunity come your way.

If you get scared or nervous when this happens, it's because of one
thing:

UNCERTAINTY.

You don't know how the girl you want to approach is going to
respond! So your scared because the outcome MIGHT be negative!

Well, worry about this no more, because with this little trick I'm
going to share with you, you'll never have to worry about a
negative reaction again.

This little trick is so simple, ANYONE can do it! And it's a 100%
fear free tactic.

Ready for it? Good, because here it comes...

***The Eye Contact Opener***

We all know that eye contact is important, but something funny
happens when we make eye contact with another person. We become
COMPELLED to respond to them in some fashion. When it comes to
women, you can use eye contact to find out if she's open to meeting
you. In fact, in a way, she'll be opening YOU!

So here's what you do...

The next time you see a woman you want to meet, LOCK your eyes on
her! Seriously, just stare at her eyes, even if she's not looking
at you.

When people are out and about, they will usually look around to
keep aware of their surroundings. This is an unconscious thing we
all do. Eventually, the woman you're locking onto will look around
to scan the area.

When she comes to you, her eyes will invariably meet yours, and
you'll be locked in eye contact.

When that happens, simply SMILE at her.

If she smiles back, guess what? She's OPEN TO YOU MEETING HER. If
she doesn't, then move on to someone who is.

And when she does smile back, say "Hi!" And if she responds,
you're in! Go right into your opener.

I like to use this tactic in low-key situations, like grocery
stores, coffee shops, book stores, etc. Even though it can work
just as well in bars (as long as the light is high enough that she
can actually SEE you!).

Often times, after you smile, the girl herself will say "Hi!" and
then the rest is easy.

The next time you go out, do this to every woman you see. Lock
your eyes onto them and see what happens. I guarantee you, you'll
be surprised by the results.

And if you're looking for even more tactics and techniques that are
proven to work to help you meet tons of women, check out my book
The Art of Approaching! There is no other book out there that
focuses on nothing BUT how to overcome your fears and meet women.
Check it out right now by clicking below:

Click here to download now!

With the help of my book, you won't have to use the Eye Contact
Opener! You'll simply be able to walk up to any woman you want and
meet her right away.

Wishing you success with women,

Thundercat

Self-confidence Boot Camp - Part Two

Okay, hopefully, by now, you've got 100 ratings on Hot or Not.

And you're not a 10... but, if you need to do this exercise, you already knew that.

Let's put it another way. If you're a 5, you're average. If you're a 4, you're slightly below average.

And average or slightly below... is just fine. You're already hotter than close to half of your competition. And that's a good thing.

If you're below a 4... you either put up a bad photo (did you ask for advice first?), or you need to work on your style and grooming. We'll discuss those later.

Now, take a look at the bar graph.

Look toward the right. It may be a small number... but I'm willing to bet that some of the women rated you 8 or above.

Guess what? That means, to certain people... You're hot.

Don't you want to meet those people?

Get your "date clothes" together for part three of this series... coming tomorrow.

War Story: The Dying Father

I think I'll let your picture on Hot or Not sit for another day. On weekdays, it usually takes a few days to get 100 votes... we'll talk about the results tomorrow.

Anyway, here's something that happened to me recently....

This match... has me intrigued. So far, things are looking up - she shows intelligence through her profile and answers, her picture looks good (I'll need to ask for more)... good initial signs. No, I'm not sold yet. Nor should I be, at this stage.

Anyway, she snuck this comment into one of the answers to my questions....

"This is not an answer to your question, but an explanation of why my communication has been and may continue to be erratic. My Dad has been seriously ill for about three years, but this week he has taken a dramatic turn for the worse. Quite apart from the fact that I often don't see a computer for several days at a time, I'm just finding this, needless to say, a very difficult time, and it is hard to focus on much else besides trying to make sure his pain is alleviated and trying to grapple with what lies ahead in the near future."

An interesting situation. Given her circumstances, I'm flattered that she's communicating at all.

So, I've been handed the bomb... what do I do with it?

I imagine that, in my more ineffective days... I'd send sympathies and reassurance that I'll wait.

That would have been a mistake.

Even with her circumstances, I don't want to imply that I'm already sold. That kills any suspense, or any drive to meet me. After all, why place a value on a guy who says he'll wait forever for you?

So, let's not do the kneejerk thing. Let's really listen to what she's asking for.

She's not asking for sympathy. And the fact is, I don't know anything about her circumstances... so any simple platitudes would be... just a guy sucking up.

She only wanted to explain why she's not communicating as frequently as she'd like.

The correct answer? "I understand." I'm not angry (how can I be?) or scared. I just don't know her that well.

So, what was my answer? I started my first answer with:

"First off: Sorry to hear about your father. Definitely, do whatever you need to do... I'm just zis guy in [the city I live in], 'ya know? Anyway, back to your question:"

And, there you go. She's already hooked. That stem gives her permission to reel herself in. And if she accepts that invitation... it's working in my favor.

Use the script, get more matches...

In one of my "fresh from the labs" articles, I described rumors that a script developed by eHarmony Blog may be helpful in squeezing more matches out of eHarmony.

Well, I've tested it. And I think that it does work.

But, some of us less technically-inclined folks might not know how to use it.

To tell you the truth... I barely figured it out myself. Here's how I got it to work on my Windows machine:

(And those of you who figure out how to use it on a Mac, Linux box, or other system, please leave a comment describing how.)

To install the script, and the software necessary to run it:

1. Copy the script from here, and paste it in Windows Notepad.
2. Go to "File" on the top menu, and hit "Save As".
3. Under the "Save as type" box, change it to "All Files"
4. Change ".TXT file" to "All Files"
5. Save under the file name: eharmonyscript.html
6. Download and install the Firefox web browser.
7. Using the Firefox web browser, download and install the POW (Plain Old Webserver) extension, which can be downloaded here.
8. Follow the dialogue boxes - you will close and restart Firefox.
9. From the Firefox menu, go to Tools -> POW -> POW Home.
10. Drag the hyperlinked "POW Files" to the Windows desktop.
11. Copy eharmonyscript.html to the POW Files folder on the Windows desktop.
12. Congratulations! You've successfully installed the script.

To use the script:

1. Using the Firefox web browser, log into eHarmony.
2. Once you're logged in, type the address http://localhost:6670/eharmonyscript.html into the Firefox web browser.
3. ... and it will automatically search for new matches every 10 minutes.
4. Please, if you get 6 matches in a day, stop. You can't get more matches that day, and you're placing unnecessary strain on eHarmony's servers.

We return to my "Boot Camp" series tomorrow.

Self-confidence Boot Camp - Part One

A funny thing happened last week...

I started the week talking about profile photos. Which are an important part of improving your results on eHarmony.

But... during the week, web traffic fell. A lot.

I was confused for quite a while. But, when I thought about the times when I was struggling to improve my results on eHarmony... the answer came to me.

Yes, I've already told you that, most of the time, people do poorly on eHarmony because of what they're doing wrong, and not because of physical flaws. The fact is, you don't have to be very "conventionally" attractive to do well on eHarmony. In fact, pickup-artist lore often points out some disadvantages to looking "perfect".

But, when you're in the middle of a failure spiral... that's a hard thing to see. All you see is your failure, which you blame on your appearance.

Well... if you really think you're too unattractive to get the woman you desire, you're probably wrong. And I'm going to prove it to you.

Because, when I was caught in that spiral... I needed that proof too. This "boot camp" series summarizes the experiences that made me change my mind about how attractive I was. I bet it will help you too.

So, here's step 1 of your self-confidence boot camp.

For now... don't take new pictures. Just collect every photo that's been taken of you in the last 2 years. And ask a friend to go through your photos, and pick the one that s/he thinks you look your best in. Don't pick that photo yourself - when you're in the failure spiral, you can't judge your own appearance very well at all.

Even if you think that photo is awful - scan it, and post it on http://www.hotornot.com . Don't worry, it's a free service.

Log in regularly (several times a day), and rate women's pictures. This ensures that your picture will be rated as frequently as possible. And wait until you've received 100 votes.

No, I don't think you're going to be a 10. But you'll get useful information from this exercise. We'll talk about that soon.

War Journal, 3/12/07

Building momentum here...

My current (total) statistics since reenrolling (not including people I closed due to geography, or "stale" matches that had been open when I reenrolled after an 8 month "vacation".):

Seven closed matches:

• One closed me. (Only one? Weird...)
  
• Two put me on hold because they're communicating with someone else, and I closed.
• The rest... I threw out for various reasons.

Four are stalled before stage 1 communication:

• 2 nudged today.
• 2 aren't ready to be nudged yet.

Three are in stage 3:

• One who's stalled in answering my questions, not ready for a nudge.
  
• Two are in "Awaiting open communication" status.

One phone number. I haven't called her yet. :-)

And, I'm not one to brag... but two of the ones in stage 3 are looking VERY high quality.

Phone troubles?

There are some problems that people encounter during that first phone call. I certainly can't go through all of the possibilities...

But, really, in the end, if any of these problems are common, it probably isn't a problem with your phone call technique. The problem is that you didn't create enough interest (by building intrigue in the profile, and by asking good questions), or that she's feeling uncomfortable (you've sent her the signal that she's already won you over, before you've even met).

So, if any "phone problems" are common... take a look at what happened before the phone call.

But, problems occasionally happen even when you run a tight game... here's how to handle them.

"She's not answering the phone" - Don't act wounded, and don't play into the game of chasing her. If she's not home when you make your first call, do what I do. Say, with confidence, playfulness, and no hurt feelings whatsoever, "Hi, it's ____, from eHarmony. Phone tag, you're it. Give me a call back at _______."

If she doesn't call back in a week - send one text message, along the lines of "How are you doing?" If she texts back, answer, "I'm waiting for my call..."

And if that doesn't work... move on. Like I said, people who can't make a phone call aren't that interested.

"We're having a scheduling problem" - This is a giant red flag. It means that, either, the woman is so overscheduled that she doesn't have time to get to know you, or that she's not interested enough to move some other things around in her schedule. Either problem indicates that you need to move on.

"She cancelled." - Unless they've got a great excuse, I don't reschedule. If you've got plenty of matches, and too little time, why on earth do you want to give anyone a second chance?

"She's dictating what to do." - If she's just asking if you have plans for after the date, I'd just reply, "Well... maybe. We'll see how this goes, first." And some reasonable objections should be addressed with sensitivity. (If she's a former alcoholic who doesn't want to join you for drinks, for instance.) But if she's starting to push for certain things to do, complaining she'd like to do do something more elaborate, whine about how far from her home she's willing to go, or whatever... you need to nip those problems in the bud quickly. Usually, a quick, "Hey, if you're asking me on a date, that's cool..." will stop objections quickly. If not... I'd accept her invitation.

That first phone call...

The tone most men take during their first eHarmony phone call is something along the lines of: "Wow. We've got so much in common. I really like you. Already. We have to meet."

Imagine yourself in the woman's place for a moment.

If you weren't so sure... how would you feel when a man started gushing these sentiments? It makes a woman uncomfortable.

So, stop for a minute, and think.

The fact is, this degree of certainty before even meeting a woman is unhealthy.

Yes, according to a personality profile, you have some compatible character traits. But if someone is self-deluded... that profile is going to be inaccurate.

Yes, her profile mentions some interests which you share. If she's telling the truth.

Yes, her picture looks good. If that's really her.

So... the average guy's approach not only scares women away, it's also unhealthy.

So, what should you do during that first phone call?

Clearly, if you're going to truly evaluate whether an eHarmony match is right for you... you have to meet her. The phone call should exist to build some tension, and arrange a meeting.

To build tension... you need to ask good questions. Don't be confrontational, but ask questions that express curiosity and a hint of unsureness and unease.

And to build tension, you need to keep that phone call short. 15 minutes is the goal. You want her to leave that phone call feeling like it was too short. That way, she'll show up on the date, curious to know more.

Toward the end of the phone call, offer to meet (don't call it a date), as if to say that it's the only way to get to know each other. And lay out some of your plans.

It's really that simple.

One early maturity test...

When a man is dating women in order to evaluate a woman's long-term potential, it's often hard to see some important traits until many months have passed. In the beginning, you're mostly evaluating chemistry, and whether you enjoy each others' company... but, let's face it. Everyone is on good behavior in the early stages of the relationship. Early on, it's difficult to tell if someone is capable of making the adult decisions that are necessary for a long-term relationship to thrive.

But, thinking back on a few relationships with women who didn't meet this standard... there was one early sign.

Since the start of the AIDS epidemic, public health has been focusing mainly on condom use. And they should... it's the only form of birth control which affects transmission of sexually transmitted diseases.

However, as birth control... It's not so good. Condoms have a failure rate of 12% per year, if they're used perfectly. And very few people do. With "typical" condom use, you're looking at 25% per year.

I don't know about you... but a 1 in 4 chance of an unwanted pregnancy isn't sounding good to me.

I'm not here to lecture about safe sex, or how effective condoms are in preventing sexually transmitted disease. I'm no expert. Educate yourself - there's a lot of material out there.

But, my point is this: If a woman will not go on another form of birth control early on in a sexually active relationship... you have to seriously question her ability to make adult decisions.

Yes, I know. Birth control stinks. You have to go to a gynecologist, and I'm sure it's uncomfortable. Pills can have unwanted side effects. Barriers are a pain. But... in spite of this, mature women make reasonable decisions in birth control every day.

And if she can't make good decisions in birth control... you have to ask whether you want to hang around to see her make other poor life decisions.

Sorting the photos

Okay, you've now got a lot of photos. Now, how do you pick which ones to use?

First, let's do an initial sort.

If you have any "formal" studio photos, choose a few of the best. Because you shouldn't use many of them. One, at the most.

The casual photos? Choose the ones where you think you look O.K., which display interesting things about your personality, and which compliment what you say about yourself in "About me".

... and if you can't get your photos to agree with your eHarmony profile, you either don't take enough pictures of yourself, or you've got a profile that doesn't reflect who you really are. If that's the case... you need to fix the problem.

Hopefully, you still have a pretty large photo collection. Now, you're going to need some advice in picking which of the photos make you look best.

Where do you get this advice? In descending order of desirability...

• A female friend who's a 9 or 10 on looks. Women who preen themselves that well can be harsh critics. And they give much better advice than men do.
• A stylish female friend. Someone who would be a 9 or 10 if she wasn't overweight, or had some other physical problem keeping them from being a 9 or 10. Their artistic senses can be almost as good.
• A male friend who is great at attracting the kinds of people that you want. They don't live 24/7 in the world of style like women can... but they know enough to be helpful.
• Female friends of the type who you'd consider dating. If they weren't family/friends/whatever. Their criticism may not be as sharp or insightful, but you'll at least get some idea of which pictures they think are best.
• Picture rating websites. The oldest, best known, most used (and still free to use!) would be Hot or Not. Submit your picture, and wait for at least 100 people to rate it. It's a useful tool, but it does have its drawbacks. A good proportion of the people rating your picture will be homosexual or transsexual men, who are not your target audience. If you're an older man, your ratings will probably be artificially depressed, because the site is flooded by younger folks. And "beefcake" pictures (such as ones without shirts) will do well on the website, but will kill your results on eHarmony. (Don't believe me? Ask any woman.) But it will give you some idea as to how attractive your pictures are, if you really don't have any good friends to ask. I wouldn't use any picture that rated below a 6, and use pictures that rate below 7 only with extreme caution. Even 7s are a little off. Above 8 is a solid rating to shoot for.

And there you go. You've got the pictures which make you look best, and which compliment your profile.

Tomorrow - something completely different.

How women look at photos

I hope that you all had fun last weekend. And that you have the photos to prove it.

Keep on taking pictures. Like I said, you need lots of them.

A lot of men approach their photos with a lot of anxiety. They worry about their physical flaws.

Well... relax. Women judge our appearance much differently than we judge theirs.

Here's what women really look at when they see our pictures:

• Are our photos consistent with what we're saying about ourselves? If we describe how we party with the best of 'em, or that we're rugged outdoorsmen, or that we're intellectuals... do we have the photos to prove it? (This was why I insisted on last week's homework assignment, folks.)
• Do we look like we value ourselves? If you're poorly groomed, wear awful clothing, and have an outdated hairstyle... it starts to look like you don't care about yourself. And if you don't care about yourself, it's hard for a woman to think that she should value you.
• Do other people in the picture seem to be having fun with you? When she sees this... she'll start to see herself having fun as well.
• Yes, some women can be fickle. For example, since I have obvious male-pattern baldness, some women just can't be attracted to me. But there are plenty that are... so I'm happy that I don't have to waste my valuable time meeting someone who is not going to be interested in me.

Nope, they're not looking for male models. Just people who look genuine and social, and who value themselves.

Hopefully, by now, you've got a lot of pictures to sort through. Tonight, go through your collection of photos, and find any pictures of yourself that have been taken in the last two years. Tomorrow, we're going to discuss how to sort them.

War journal: 3/4/07

So, how did I do last week?

Well, there have been no new matches in the geographic area that I was willing to consider. This left 5 open matches.

One of them closed me before Step 1, saying she's pursuing another relationship.

The one who was in open communication hasn't written back since I offered to continue our conversation over the phone. I'll probably send my "final warning" letter on Wednesday...

The others... have not responded to my request for communication.

I'm definitely not panicking. This is pretty typical. Early in the process, you usually get a lot of matches which have abandoned the service. So, I'm not alarmed by the fact that most aren't responding.

But no new matches... that's something to pause and consider.

I think it's time to expand that search radius. There's a large Jewish population that's a 3 hour drive... looks like I have to include that area. I'll let you know how it goes... next week.

Photo secrets of the supermodels

Okay, we've finished the text of your "About me" profile. Now, it's time for the photos.

Bad news: Yes. The photos are very important to your success on eHarmony.

Good news: Almost everyone can get good enough pictures to do well on eHarmony.

The first secret?

Do what the supermodels do.

Pick up a copy of a tabloid sometime. And take a look at the candid photos that the paparazzi take.

These women look a lot different than they do in posed magazines, movies, and television settings, don't they?

You're right. In those settings, they have an army of people selecting (or making) clothes, applying tons of makeup, their hair is re-done millions of times, and the lighting is scientifically controlled. You can't do most of these things. And you shouldn't try. Photos that are too professional make many women suspicious. (We'll talk more about that later.)

The other important factor?

They take tons of takes.

Even under perfect controlled conditions, the photographers still throw away over 99% of the photos they take. Because they just aren't good enough.

So... if supermodels need tons of pictures taken before they get "good" photos... you should too.

This weekend (and from now on), make a commitment. Get a lot of pictures taken. Don't change your life. Live it like normal. Go out and do what you do to have fun.

Just have lots of pictures taken. We'll start sorting through them on Monday.

"About me" - a final checklist

We've done our tour of the "About me" profile sections. (Click on the "Profile building" keyword on the left to review the other articles). It's time to take one final look at your profile as a whole.

Is the tone conversational? Does it look like you're a guy who's casually talking about himself, or a guy who's trying to sell himself? If you look like you're selling yourself, take a hard look at what you're writing. People try to "sell" when they need to create value. You're already valuable. You don't need to sell.

Is there anything that suggests baggage or insecurity? If so... cut it out.

Look again for those weasel words. And again. And again.

Is everything congruent? If you say something positive about yourself, does it echo through the rest of the text? Is there anything in the text that implies something different? To these women, inconsistency = insincerity.

After reading the profile, does it seem like there are natural and interesting questions to ask? If not... you're not generating enough intrigue. Tell just enough about yourself to make a woman curious. And ready to ask questions.

That's all I have for advice "off the top of my head". I'm sure I'm missing things... so, if you have a profile you'd like to see improved, or if you have more questions about the "About me" text... email me.

We're not quite done with the profile... you still have those pictures to contend with. We'll start tomorrow.