About photo captions

Fairly recently, eHarmony started letting people put captions on their photos.

I've experimented pretty extensively with this feature. The things that I've tried?

• Descriptive captions, with dates
• Captions that make jokes
• No captions at all

My results?

My "joke" captions didn't work at all. My results got markedly worse. So don't do that.

The differences between the descriptive captions/no captions trials were subtle.

When I used descriptive captions with dates, a few women got the subtle hint that their photos had to be recent... so they changed them, or added their own date captions. But it was a very subtle difference.

But, on the other hand, when I went with no captions, I got a lot more questions about the pictures. And, from that, I believe that I raised a little more intrigue.

So, between those two, it's a tossup, and depends on which you value more - raising intrigue, or getting slightly better quality pictures.

Personally, I'm sticking to "no captions".

If you're relationship-minded, it's "Chemistry", not "looks".

Every once in awhile, I come across articles describing women's perspectives of eHarmony. Granted, women don't always know why they do the things they do... but it's a perspective.

Here's a recent article I read. And, I think it points to a mistake that a lot of guys make.

I've noticed that a lot of guys are simultaneously trying to appear relationship-minded, but still put out profiles and "must haves/can't stands" that scream, "Please, be hot."

As you can see, that perspective can make relationship-minded women uncomfortable. Even the hot ones.

But, you don't want to meet women who you're not attracted to... how do you address that?

I've never had a woman fault me for saying that there had to be "chemistry". And they realize that their appearance is a part of that equation. And don't go into any more detail than that.

After all, what woman wants a guy who isn't into her?

The "red flag" photos

Let's face it. Unless a woman is lazy or indifferent, she's going to put up photos that highlight her best features, and hide others.

To some degree, you have to expect it. However, it's always good to know when to expect disappointment.

Here are some of the "red flags" that I use to brace myself...

The One-Photo Queen
These can be among the most deceptive. Sometimes, a woman is honest when she posts just one photo. But, often, there's a good reason why there's only one. It could be someone else's photo, and she doesn't have any others. Or it could be the only photo that she has of herself from 5-10 years ago. Beware....

The Headshot Hottie / The Angular Shot
Are there no photos that go below her chest? Or, perhaps, none that go below her neck? Does it look like parts of the photo are deliberately being cut off? Or are all the shots from a bizarre angle? If so... she's probably hiding her weight. Other hints: Look for facial fat, and fat in the shoulders and arms. And if all of the photos have a scarf on... She could be a guy.

The Glamour Shot
People pay professional photographers for a good reason - they want their photos to look better than real-life. And they've got a lot of tricks they can pull. They can airbrush or photoshop away facial deformities. They can use deceptive lighting. And, of course, the makeup and hair may not resemble what they ordinarily use. So... if the lighting looks perfect, the angles cleverly hide certain features, and the photo looks airbrushed.... get ready for some differences in real life.

What do you do with these photos? Your call. You could meet for a low-key date, prepared for potential disappointment. You could ask for more photos... but most women using tricks are awfully insecure, and won't do it. Or you can decide to reject people who are insecure enough to use these tricks. Your call. Just be ready to deal with it. It's common.

R.I.P. eHarmony Blog?

Well, if any of you have tried to download the eHarmony Blog script... you'll probably notice that eHarmony Blog has been down for the last week. And has left no explanation, or reassurance that they plan to return.

A pity, really. It was nice to hear a female perspective.

And I'm left in a tricky situation.

The trouble is... the script is her intellectual property. And I have no way of reaching her.

In the meantime, if you don't have their script... the next best thing is to log in 3 times daily, and check for new matches.

Watch this blog though. I've got an idea how to make lemonade from these lemons...

War story: My first "online date".

I still remember the first woman that I met online.

When I first came online, I had just finalized my divorce. I was eager to meet someone who was different from the woman that I had left.

I went to JDate (the largest Jewish dating site), and came upon the profile of a woman who described herself as having "a responsible and a fun side" (I was too new to online dating to realize that it was a cliche), and described the person she's looking for as "someone who plays nice in the sandbox and doesn't eat paste." It sounded appealing, we bounced a few emails, and decided to meet.

Well, turns out this "responsible" woman had been chronically unemployed, and was living with her parents. And, on top of that, complained that she'd like her parents to retire to another area, so she could move out there again.

Painful, yes. But it proved to me that, when people write profiles, they often describe themselves as the person they want to be (or want to meet), and not who they really are.

So... how do you handle this?

First of all... if a woman says something that holds a lot of appeal for you, take it with a grain of salt. She could be exaggerating. And, to some degree, all of my dates have. Even the good ones. You really don't know who you're going to meet until you actually meet them.

And don't just look at how she describes herself. That information isn't very good. But you can come away with a good idea of what a person values, and what a person does with her life.

Oh, did I mention that my first date also used an inaccurate photo?

I'll talk about that tomorrow.

War Journal - 5/28/07

It's been a busy week on eHarmony - let's get started.

My date for next week... is still on.

I had another 1st phone call with the other woman who lives in that city. A lot of positives, and negatives. On the positive side - we seemed to get along really well on the phone. On the negative side - because we meshed so well, she blurted out a lot of stuff that's making me a bit uncomfortable. (For example, that she was married for 12 years to someone who was gay.) And, unfortunately, she's going to be out of town during the weekend that I'm visiting. Next time I'm in town, I might give her a call... but I'm not interested in making a special trip to visit her. And we left it at that.

The third woman (from last week)? She's playing phone tag with me. Left me email messages about how busy she is, how her phone's broken, blah, blah, blah. Sorry - I don't play those games. She'll call when and if she's ready... and I'm forgetting about her.

So, I opened my account for new matches... and got quite a few.

One of them closed me, citing distance. Yeah, she lives 5 hours away by car. I would have done it, if she didn't.

One said she was 39. From her photo, she looks like she's going on 50. Maybe older. Shake head, sigh, close.

Two provided no photos, and had bare-minimum profiles. I closed them after 3 days, just to make sure that they weren't going to finish later.

Two haven't responded to my first questions yet. They're still open.

One answered my step 1 questions, but hasn't read my answers yet.

One is in open communication. And, in her first message, left me with a ton of questions that would take a long time to type answers to. Despite the fact that she couldn't bother to post a photo. I just responded with a quick message saying that I'm busy, but wanted to say, "Hi", and teased her for not leaving a photo. Let's see if she adjusts her attitude... and, if not, it's no loss.

And that's the week in review.

War story: An imperfect profile, but...

As faithful readers will know, I met my last long-term girlfriend through eHarmony.

So, you're probably wondering... what was her profile like, if it attracted my attention?

Actually, it was pretty flawed.

First off: Her pictures weren't very flattering. There was a webcam closeup, and a distant photo of her nearly at the finish of a triathalon. Neither photo looked particularly flattering.

And, yes, there were a few faults that she admitted to in her profile.

But, then, I thought for awhile.

When I started on eHarmony, my results were pretty poor. It wasn't because I'm an unattractive person, it was because I made a lot of mistakes in how I presented myself.

In short... she was making the same mistakes that I did when I started.

Anyway, I saw that we had a few things in common. I saw that she was a triathelete, so she must be, at least, in pretty decent shape. And, in all, despite the profile's flaws, I decided to give her a chance.

And, of course, when I met her, I discovered that she overstated her personality faults... and she looked a lot better than her photos. And we got along well. Overall - no regrets.

Lesson? Don't throw matches away for making the same mistakes that you made.

When I return on Monday - red flags to watch for.

Don't be a creepy guy!

I hesitated to write this column - I thought it was painfully obvious. But, every once in awhile, I do see men who feel guilty about communicating with, or dating multiple women.

Don't feel guilty. Women expect that you will be talking to several women at the same time. And they're probably talking to several men, as well.

In fact, most women feel uncomfortable with men who form an "exclusive" relationship with someone that they haven't even met yet. It really makes you look creepy.

There's a time to be in an exclusive relationship (unless you want the pick-up artist life)... but it comes after you've met, and after you're sure that she's worth it. Not before.

And while we're on the subject... another thing that gives women the creeps is a bad attitude about dating.

All of your eHarmony activities... it's about meeting people.

And on the first date, it's not about whether you're "scoring". All you're doing is meeting someone new. If you hit it off, great. If not, it's really no loss. If you're following my advice, you're not spending a lot on dates - in fact, you're doing something that you'd do for fun anyway, with or without her.

When you display an agenda, reveal expectations, or you're focused on any goal other than getting to know her a little better, you're putting way too much pressure on her. And it's going to give her the creeps.

Just meet her, see if you're getting along. If you're following my advice, and it doesn't work out... you should have plenty more options.

Now that you're understanding this (and the last post), I'm finally ready to start to talk about match selection... coming tomorrow.

What can you really expect from an eHarmony match?

I'm going to divert from my plan today - because there's something important that I need to cover first.

Basically... what does an eHarmony "match" really mean?

If you listen to eHarmony, they'll extol how rare these matches are, how finding these matches is so difficult (unless you use their service, of course), and how a match guarantees a life of married bliss.

Critics of eHarmony, of course, point out that there is very little data to support their claims. eHarmony has only made one study public, and critics point out multiple flaws.

Well... I've met many of my eHarmony matches. And I think the truth is somewhere between these extremes.

On the minus side, I've found that eHarmony does a very poor job of screening whether or not people are ready for a committed relationship. To give you a small list of people I've rejected...

• Many of my matches had a recent divorce, or broken engagement, and still weren't really ready to date.
• Quite a few were looking more for a "father figure", rather than a boyfriend or husband. And extreme dependence is one of my "can't stands".
• One had a chronic illness, and was looking for a husband to support her for the rest of her life.
• Many were consumed with work or family, and couldn't spend enough time with someone to build a relationship with them.
• And, yes, one guy really did lie about his gender.

So, as far as screening for honesty, maturity, and readiness for a committed relationship goes... I'd say that eHarmony is doing a horrible job.

So, why do I stick with it?

Because I don't really depend on eHarmony to set my standards. I use it to introduce me to people. And I make my own judgments.

And I've been introduced to some interesting people. I usually find that I get along well with the people that I'm matched to via eHarmony. At least, in comparison to other online "dating" services.

And, even if they don't meet my standards, they usually turn out to be decent friends.

So... don't believe the hype. It's just another way to meet people. But that's still a very good thing.

New research on online "dating"...

You run into the most interesting things when you surf the web at random...

Here's a recent research article that I found. Some very interesting things here... pretty much in line with what I (and a few others) have been saying.

Here are the key lessons I see.

First of all, everyone says that they're more attracted to people who provide more detail. But, this article verifies that this conception is dead wrong.

People are most attracted to profiles which point out a few similarities. Because once a woman sees something that she doesn't like, she'll read everything else that follows as further reason not to meet you.

So, it comes back to what I've been saying. Give her a few highlights to catch her interest. But don't elaborate any further than you need to.

As I've said, the goal is to make yourself look interesting. Not to give a complete history of your life.

But it's nice to know that the scientists agree.

Speaking of how people make decisions to pursue a match... it seems like I've neglected the "match selection" topic. I'll have to expand on that tomorrow.

How fast should you respond?

You've got your profile tuned, and now, you're getting people to request (and respond) to communication. Good for you!

So, when you get eHarmony's request for communication, how quickly should you respond?

On one hand, if you're using the eHarmony Blog script to get a jump on your competition, and meet her before your competitors... you don't want to ruin your advantage by responding too slowly. If you do that, you lose your competitive advantage to people who may be a little more eager in responding.

On the other hand, you don't want to work too fast, either. You run the risk of looking too desperate and overeager. And, besides, eHarmony communication is pretty intense. Too much intensity, too early, makes women nervous... and more likely to close you.

I've experimented with this a lot. All the way from waiting 1-2 days to respond, to providing answers while the woman is still on-line.

In my experience, the best method has been to pick three set times to log on daily (morning, afternoon, and evening). If a woman requests communication, wait until your next login time, and reply then.

And that's been the "sweet spot" for me.

Coming tomorrow - a REAL research study on on-line "dating". The results may surprise you.

War journal - 5/21/07

No new matches this week. I'm near the end of my subscription term. Doubtless, eHarmony is waiting until my subscription expires before sending me new matches. It's a pattern that I've picked up in the past.

All three of last week's candidates are still in play.

The first one - We've talked over the phone, and a date has been arranged in 2 weeks. (It's when I was going into her hometown anyway.) I'm not holding out that much hope for her - she seems like she might be carrying a chip on her shoulder... but we'll see.

The second one - Seemed enthusiastic, but delayed giving up her phone number (said she was busy). Left a message on her answering machine yesterday early afternoon, no call back yet. Might be too nervous to make that call...

The third one - hasn't given me her phone number yet. So, I'm in the waiting game for a few more days before sending an (unprecedented) follow-up letter.

Since my subscription only has 3 days left, and I'm going to be pretty busy with these leads... I'm closing matching for now. Let's see how these pan out before resubscribing.

The smackdown has begun...

It looks like I'm having a pretty heated debate with some eHarmony staffers on eHarmony Labs' blog. You might want to check it out.

Confronting the annoyances...

In yesterday's column, I explained one method that can be used (sparingly) to get a woman to address touchy subjects. Again, this technique needs to be used very sparingly. At most, once during an interaction. If she's still resisting... there's usually a good reason. And I'm willing to bet that it's a reason that you'd avoid her.

Must Haves/Can't Stands mismatch
Wrong way: I noticed that you put "honest" in your must haves list. What are your expectations here?
Better way: I noticed that you put "honest" in your must haves list. You're not, like, one of these women who'll bug my phones and hire private detectives to make sure that I'm honest... are you?
Best way: Meet the woman. You'll find out soon enough.

No photo
Wrong way: You know, I've given you photos, and I think it's unfair that you haven't given me any.
Better way: Hmm... no photos. Are you wanted by the FBI? If I decide to meet you, I'd really like to make sure that I make it home alive...

Not answering questions
Wrong way: I need answers, here, or I just can't see anything happening.
Better way: Wow. No answers. Were you, like, the kid I met in 3rd grade who shoved the dice up her nose when I was trying to play a game with her?

Asking nosy personal questions
Wrong way: That's really personal. What gives you the right to ask?
Better way: Hey, you're not from the tabloids are you? THAT information will cost you...

Getting the idea, yet?

Have fun, guys.

Monday: Results of my latest research project... This will help your results.

Tease, don't fight.

Every once in while, an eHarmony match will start flying a red flag during communication.

You're not entirely sure that you're ready to dump her... but you don't want to go further unless she addresses your concerns.

Unfortunately, you've got the perfect set up for a classic fight. You tell her to do something. When someone is told to do something that they don't want to do, their natural reaction is to refuse. And then, someone closes communication.

Are there alternatives to this?

Yes, there are.

Instead of making a demand or accusation... tease her. Exaggerate what her motives might be for refusing. And make a joke of it.

Now, she can't fight about it. Unless she wants to defend the extreme position that you've given her. But she'd look silly doing it. And it'll force her to reexamine the position that she is taking.

It doesn't work all the time, but it works a lot more often than an argument.

I'll provide examples tomorrow...

Post #100

I just noticed something...

I've posted 99 articles. This is #100.

Cool.

Ask about her strengths!

It's a workplace reflex. At work, men find problems, attack problems, and make problems go away.

But, on eHarmony, you're not attacking a problem. You're meeting a woman. And, like I said in my last column, attacking or interrogating a woman can be a very ineffective strategy. At least, if you do want to get to know her better.

But... on the other hand, you do want to show that you're a selective man, who isn't going to fall for a woman just because a computer said that you'd be a good match. Or, just because she managed to put up some hot photos. You also want her to start feeling like she has to sell herself in order to earn your attention.

So, how can you do both with the same set of questions?

Simple. Don't ask about her weaknesses. Ask about her strengths.

In her profile, she's (hopefully) started to talk about her passions and her interests. People like to talk about them. Ask for more. Or ask for details.

Believe me, I've tried interrogations about women's faults in the past. But, when I started asking about strengths instead, women became more comfortable. They still felt like I needed to learn more about them to make up my mind. And they enjoyed giving me what I wanted.

And when a woman, as a result of answering your questions, feels a little more proud and secure about herself... she begins to associate those good feelings with you.

And that's a very good thing.

But, what if you can't wait until later to address a negative issue?

We'll talk about that tomorrow.

The "Sour grapes" syndrome - and why you must avoid it.

Faithful readers of my blog will be pretty familiar with my usual dogma: To be successful on eHarmony, you need to present a woman with a challenge.

If you give yourself away to a woman with only token resistance... she's going to think that you aren't worth that much. It doesn't feel good to be with a man who has no standards.

If she has to work for your attention, she has to justify that investment. And she'll justify that by believing that you're worth it. And, when she does earn your attention, she feels good. She feels that she accomplished something that's worthwhile.

Setting achievable goals are central to building attraction on eHarmony.

However, when you set goals that are too difficult, you run into a different problem. If a woman sees a situation that she feels like she can't win, it does not build attraction. Like the fox in Aesop's fable, she'll look at the grapes she can't reach, and will decide that they're not worth the effort. And you'll get closed, as she goes for the grapes that don't look so sour.

Here are some easy ways to get a self-esteem blowout:

• Ask picky questions about her must haves/can't stands list.
• Ask questions about psychological weaknesses that you're seeing.
• Demand things that she's implied that she's uncomfortable in providing.
• Argue with her about something that she said.
• Accuse her of being too extreme about something.
• Anything that comes across as a negative judgement, demand, accusation, or argument.
  

I'm not saying never to look at a woman's potential weaknesses. But, if you ask about them during structured communication, or over email, she is very likely to close you. (Which may not be bad, but you need to expect it.) These are issues that are better discussed on the phone or on the date. Your vocal tone and body language will make you look a lot less hostile when you ask the most difficult questions.

What are some better questions to ask? That's the subject of our next column... stay tuned!

Be a novel, not an encyclopedia.

When you read something for pleasure, do you like to pick up an encyclopedia, or a novel?

Encyclopedias are great tools. When you want an answer given to you quickly, you can look it up. Then you put the encyclopedia away, and leave it alone until you have another question.

They provide good answers, but little entertainment.

When you read a novel, though, you don't get instant answers. A good novel will dangle unsolved questions in front of you. They'll give a few false leads. And, every once in awhile, just to keep you from becoming completely frustrated, they'll throw you a piece of the puzzle. But you won't see the resolution until you're done with the book. Or, if they're particularly cruel, a series of books.

Good novels keep us in suspense. And we enjoy reading them.

So, what does this have to do with eHarmony?

Well, if you haven't noticed, you're getting asked a lot of questions. And, since we're guys, we usually answer questions like we do at work - Answer the question quickly, succinctly, and completely. And it's the right thing to do at work - who wants to waste time?

But, when you're trying to attract a woman, you want to be the novel.

Don't completely frustrate a woman by providing non-answers. And don't be dishonest. You want to look real and genuine.

But you don't always have to provide complete answers. Just enough to keep her interested. And you can throw a few tangents into your answer. Things like, "You know, this reminds me of _____. I'll have to tell you about that sometime."

Be a good novel, and she'll keep reading. Be an encyclopedia, and she'll lose interest quickly.

War Journal,5/14/07

Well, here's what's going on in my little eHarmony universe...

The two women who, last week, had "stalled" their communication at stages 2 & 3 hadn't progressed, even after a nudge. So, they were victims of the Thursday night purge...

The woman in open communication is moving. Slowly, but moving. I've given her my phone number, we'll see if she's ready to move past her last bad eHarmony date. And if not, there's more where she came from...

I've got 2 new matches. One hasn't responded (although, since she used the old personality test, she could be an abandoned profile), and I'm waiting for the next one to write her first open communication message.

About that personality profile...

You've worked hard to craft the perfect "About me" profile. One that shows you at your best. One that's intriguing, strong, and inviting. And you've put up photographs that demonstrate the qualities that you display in your essays.

Bottom line? You've got a great lure, for the right person.

You also have eHarmony's computer-generated, somewhat accurate, unflattering, uninviting, and unintriguing statements about yourself. And, in eHarmony's wisdom, they ask if you want to share it with your matches.

Really... why would you want to do this?

I can't think of any good reasons.

Again, the purpose of the profile is to generate interest. The personality profile does not do this. And I've never had a woman ask me to reveal it. Ever.

And, do yourself a favor. Don't ask for hers, either. It makes you look like you don't have the social skills to figure her out by yourself.

From the Labs: The Thursday Night Purge

Before giving this tip, I do have to qualify it quite a bit. I am using religious preferences that eliminate 98% of the match pool. So, a lot of my matches are long-distance. And I'd imagine that a lot of candidates also aren't willing to do the long-distance thing. So... I don't get that many matches. And I do run the eHarmony Blog script. (And didn't notice this pattern until I started running it.)

Now, having said that, I've noticed an unusual distribution scheme.

Almost all of my new matches come on Fridays. A few more come on the weekend. It's rare that I get a new match on a weekday.

It's an interesting pattern. And I'm exploiting it. And, actually, saving myself a lot of effort.

Basically, if a person isn't responding to communication, or looks like they might be a "scam" or "dead" profile... I'll give them until Thursday night to get their act together.

But, on Thursday night... it's time to clear the dead wood. They're keeping me from getting new matches. So, when Friday rolls around, and my list is almost empty... eHarmony usually does a good job of bringing in more suitable replacements.

So, if you're noticing the same pattern that I have... give the Thursday Night Purge a try. And let me know how it works for you.

It's a good feeling to know that the undesirables can be replaced so easily...

Maryann Says:

Scott wrote: It's a good feeling to know that the undesirables can be replaced so easily...

Boy, oh boy, ain’t that the truth! Life gets better when we take control! When you have plenty of other matches in the works, even really great matches that close don’t hurt so much. In fact, sometimes I don’t even have time or interest in looking back at his “About Me” introduction to see which one he is. Who cares? He’s gone. I’m moving on.

Here is my experience with managing matches. After reading Scott’s blog and the Discussion Board, I decided I’d just give in and initiate communication. If guys want me to chase them, fine. It fits my personality anyway. I go after what I want. If that intimidates a match, he probably couldn’t handle me anyway.

So, for the past week I have promptly dealt with each match as it came in. I initiate communication, put on hold to test whether it is an active profile, or close. By dealing with every match, I consistently get seven new matches a day. If I have even one “new” match, I can’t get any more.

My match settings are pretty open. Because I commute every week in two directions, I can seriously consider matches up to three hours away. Also, I have a wide range of ages, am very open about religion, etc.

Having so many matches is empowering! Plus, it feels good to give even marginal matches a chance. I only close when it is clear it could NEVER work! My best date so far started out as a marginal match. He was way better than his profile!

Good luck,

Maryann

Fresh from the lab: A new trick to get better pictures!

From time to time, I shake my head, and marvel at how subtle pressures can have such a dramatic impact...

Faithful readers have probably read my advice regarding matches who don't supply pictures - basically, don't show her yours until she either supplies one, or you're exchanging must haves/can't stands. And this worked pretty well.

Lately, though, I haven't had to do this.

I've added just a couple of lines to my profile. And now... no one goes that far in communication without providing photos.

In fact, people who only provided a headshot, after reading my profile, add more pictures.

So, what are the lines that I added?

They came at the bottom of the profile... the call to action.

"I look forward to communicating with you... Well, most of you, anyway. ;-) (If you think that last sentence is odd, ask me about the swell GUY that I met on eHarmony.)"

Yup. They realize that they need to prove that they're not a guy. So - they're providing the pictures to prove it. I don't even need to ask.

And, no, I'm not noticing any more closes since I started using this.

I still consider this "fresh from the labs", in that I haven't done this for very long. But so far, the results are looking promising.

But don't copy it word for word. Make it fit your personality, profile, and experience.

Another "From the labs" development tomorrow...

Musterbation - how it can be deadly to your mental game.

One common theme I've noticed from people who are unsuccessful with women, both on and off off eHarmony? They're quick to complain about how women act. Common themes? "They should...", "Why don't they....", "Don't they realize..."

So, because you're doing badly, you can claim to know what's best for other women? I don't think so.

I call this attitude "musterbation". And it's a barrier to your mental well-being. Because you can't allow your self-esteem to be dictated by what a woman decides to do, or what not to do.

Does a woman have to provide photos? No. And you have the right to decide whether you want to meet with a woman who won't provide them. (But, tomorrow, I'll share something I've done that provides a nice nudge in the right direction...)

Does a woman have to respond to your requests for communication? No. If you're talking about a few... well, some women aren't going to like you. And you don't want to waste time or energy with women who don't show interest. And if it's most women... it's still not their fault. It's probably because you're doing something that's failing to attract interest.

Does a woman have to respond in a certain timeframe? No, but you don't have to waste time on sluggards.

You can't control what women are going to do. You can only control how you behave. So, behave with dignity and self-respect.

Reversing the failure spiral : Take your head out of the game.

In our last column, we talked about the problems people have when they're in the "failure spiral". It's a tricky place - when you're doing badly, you start to think about why you're doing badly, you cover up (even further signaling your emotional state), leading to doing worse... etc.

And in our last paragraph, I talked about how important it is to take a step back, when you're in this state. And taking a break is usually a very good idea.

When you've settled down a little bit, and you're feeling better about yourself... it's time to start over.

When you're in the "failure spiral", you make a lot of changes... and almost all of them make you look worse.

So... it's time to start over.

My advice is designed for people who are starting "at the bottom". Start with your profile, and follow my communication advice like you're a social robot. For now.

Follow my instructions to the letter. Don't try adding anything. Because, when you're in a failure spiral, anything you add will probably be wrong.

You won't do fantastically well with the "social robot" approach. But you'll do a lot better than you did before.

And once you start to succeed, you'll have a basis for understanding when your changes are succeeding, and when they're not.

One final bit of advice for people in the spiral tomorrow...

War Journal, 5/7/07

Here's this week's "action" on eHarmony...

What happened to matches from last week?
The one that provided minimal answers? (Specifically? The full answer to what she was passionate about was "I am most passionate about", and her answer to most influential person was "Come back to this")? Well, she did provide a hot picture. Not enough for me. Could this be a new "scammer" technique? I'm not going to wrack my brain about it - even if she's real, she's not worth communicating with. Closed.

The other two are still open, but moving pretty slowly. I'm still waiting for phase three answers from one (who just got nudged this morning), and still waiting for must haves/can't stands from the other.

My date - went as expected. I was in Chicago anyway, and would not have visited her otherwise... and during the date, she didn't make me feel any better about her. Oh well...

What about the new players?
There were 2 new matches. I'm waiting for one to write her first open communication message, and the other went on hold due to no photos and minimal answers.

In a failure spiral? Step away from the computer!

Lately, I've been getting a lot of email from people in what I call the "failure spiral".

It's a vicious cycle where people start to fail. They become more self-conscious. They try harder, not realizing that, by doing so, they start to look more desperate. Which just makes their results worse. Which makes them try even harder... you get the idea.

And I can see that it's hurting a lot of you. Although I'm tempted to quote some letters... I think it might be embarrassing. And, if you're a letter-writer, and you think that I'm talking specifically to you, I'm not. I get a lot of these letters.

The first thing you need to do - refocus.

You can't let your results on eHarmony determine your self-worth.

You're making mistakes. That's okay. eHarmony isn't helping you - they want people to believe that they're an effortless solution. Popular culture isn't helping you - their view of how to attract people is based in fantasy, not reality. The sad fact is, there are few people who effectively teach men how to do better. So, it's not your fault that you're doing badly.

And you're not going to reverse the spiral overnight.

So, the first step? If you're feeling anything other than indifference or amusement... step away from the computer.

If your emotions are really raw, consider taking a break from eHarmony.

If you can't do that, limit your time. Logging on twice daily is plenty. An hour a day (total) on eHarmony-related pursuits is a lot of time - don't spend more than that. If you have to, redirect your eHarmony email to a different account. And if running the eHarmony .html script is too much of a temptation for you... shut it off.

And in the time that you're not on eHarmony... do things that make you happy. And have a great life.

Because quality women don't want to be with a man who builds their entire life around eHarmony.

More advice on reversing the "failure spiral" when I return on Monday...

After the high...

As I said in my last article, most relationships have a "high period" during the first 6-12 months. During this time, your brain is pushing out pleasure chemicals, just by being around (and intimate with) your girlfriend.

And, during this time, it's hard to really evaluate how stable a relationship is. Your brain chemistry is, literally, fighting you every step of the way.

So, relax. Have a great time.

By the end of the "high period", you're seeing the relationship a little more rationally.

You probably don't see your girlfriend as "perfect" any more. You're seeing her faults.

If it's a good relationship, you're getting along great anyway. If not... there's a dark side to this phase.

Although this drug may not be providing as much of an ecstatic high anymore... it's absence causes a lot of pain. And, yes, neurochemical changes are also prominent when a long-term relationship goes sour. There's a reason you're depressed when it happens.

But, this short-term withdrawal is still better than staying with someone who you can't be happy with.

So, what's the mental frame for this phase?

"This seems like it's working. Let's see if we can keep it that way." And, if so, this is a good period for moving in together, planning marriage, and so forth.

To a lot of you, that future seems a long way away. A lot of you are struggling with the beginning... and we'll talk about that tomorrow.

Navigating "the high"

You've been through the courting period - and you clearly like each other.

It's a great feeling.

Not only is it the stuff of poetic inspiration... it's a scientifically validated fact.

During the first six months to a year, your relationship causes your brain to synthesize neurotransmitters providing you with that sense of romantic bliss.

Enjoy the rush... because it's not permanent.

If you're unlucky, you might get an email newsletter, where Neil Clark Warren tells you that he's fully confident that it's safe for you to make a marriage proposal within the first two months of your relationship.

I just can't agree. You're still on a chemical high. And it clouds your thinking.

So, how do you navigate this period?

Enjoy it. Don't do anything stupid. And don't sacrifice your well-being for the sake of the high.

In the courting period, I recommended a mental frame of, "I'm interested in a relationship... but I'm not sure if I even like you yet."

In this phase, the frame changes. You like her... but you don't really know her yet. And time will tell.

So, what happens after the high wears off? That's coming tomorrow.

A model for the long-term relationship

Inspired by reader suggestions (and positive response to "long game" posts), I started to do a little research, to see what models there might be for understanding and navigating the long-term relationship.

Obviously, the pickup artist literature is a bad place to look. Off the top of my head (correct me if I'm wrong, guys?), I can't think of any contributors to the literature who are in healthy marriages. Their contribution (and only contribution) is in how to generate the initial attraction necessary to start a relationship.

But, "failure stories" do get told about how attraction can be lost, if you start compromising yourself, putting the woman on a pedestal, and becoming too much of a "puppy dog".

So... I'm thinking that it's time to expand the models, and provide at least some initial guidance. At least to avoid becoming either a "player for life" (if that's not what you want), or a woman's tool.

Looking at the psychological literature, one decent, well supported model does seem to shed some insight into the structure of the long-term relationship.

To adapt the literature, there seem to be four phases - The "mating dance", the "high period", the "comfort period", and marriage.

The "mating dance"? That's most of what we write about. It's the period where you see if you're attracted to each other, and at least become comfortable enough to realize that there are no obvious and major barriers to a relationship. I'm not going to spend much time on that. In this series, anyway.

I'll talk about the "high period" tomorrow... as well as some theoretical frames to help you navigate it.