Every once in awhile, I come across articles describing women's perspectives of eHarmony. Granted, women don't always know why they do the things they do... but it's a perspective.
Here's a recent article I read. And, I think it points to a mistake that a lot of guys make.
I've noticed that a lot of guys are simultaneously trying to appear relationship-minded, but still put out profiles and "must haves/can't stands" that scream, "Please, be hot."
As you can see, that perspective can make relationship-minded women uncomfortable. Even the hot ones.
But, you don't want to meet women who you're not attracted to... how do you address that?
I've never had a woman fault me for saying that there had to be "chemistry". And they realize that their appearance is a part of that equation. And don't go into any more detail than that.
After all, what woman wants a guy who isn't into her?
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4 comments:
A minor issue - chemistry is a Must Have. Not a Can't Stand. I suspect that drama queens like "Hannah" of the article will spin every Can't Stand in the worst possible way. One of my deal-breakers is "Can't Stand a victim mentality" - I bet I'd be closing Hannah pretty quickly.
Let's debunk her whining:
"One of the can't stands [...] is about WEIGHT. Well one of his answers was that he couldn't stand women who put on WEIGHT. There was also another one about can't stand when a woman doesn't stay in shape."
The Can't Stand in question actually says: "Excessive Overweight... I can't stand someone who is overweight." I get this one from women about half of the time. And there is NO Can't Stand about staying in shape. I wish there was, it better describes my feelings than simply going on weight alone. (Although I'd phrase it as a Must Have.)
"What I can tell you is MOST of the men that I communicated long enough with to get to the "Can't Stands" wanted "Barbie". I was literally getting sick to my stomach. The hope I had with each man through the initial communication process, thinking he could be a good match, ended in being slammed to the ground."
Boo-hoo. "Can't stand excessive overweight" does NOT say "Please be hot," and it doesn't ask for a Barbie. What it says it pretty clear. And it's the only Can't Stand that talks to physical attributes. What the hell does "communicated long enough to get to the Can't Stands" mean? About 5 minutes' effort, at most?
I suspect poor Hannah will find an excuse to whine about her matches no matter which Can't Stands she gets.
wow... when I was active in eHarmony, I usually didn't bother to read the must MHCS's (or even the answered questions) until photo was revealed.
Not just for the chemistry part of it, but I had a hard time remembering who was who.
I'll agree, Hannah was over the top. But, if you talk to women, you'll find that most are very insecure about their looks and their weight. And, let me tell you, the hotties are often the MOST insecure. I think it's a function of society. There's a reason why fashion and cosmetics are multimillion dollar industries.
I'll have a picture of her, and I know I don't have chemistry for women who consider "Spherical" to be "in shape". So, putting it on my "can't stands" list has no purpose. Why put unnecessary pressure on a sensitive spot that most women have?
I see the logic of avoiding Can't Stands that send her to her Unhappy Place. But if her self-image is so bad that she wants to apply every Can't Stand to herself somehow, she probably will.
Convincing herself that she meets your Must Have's somehow (i.e. "I must have chemistry" or even "I must have someone who takes care of her health" (the opposite of Hannah's non-existent "can't stand someone who doesn't stay in shape") is probably much easier.
This brings me back to a comment I made to your post about the studies showing that more knowledge leads to less attraction. 10 Must's and Cant's is probably too many for most people. I have 4 or 5 real deal-breaking Can't Stands, which never change from match to match. But I have to supply 10, so I fill in some other "would prefer not's". However, she sees 10 Can't Stand's of apparently equal priority.
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