The "Sour grapes" syndrome - and why you must avoid it.

Faithful readers of my blog will be pretty familiar with my usual dogma: To be successful on eHarmony, you need to present a woman with a challenge.

If you give yourself away to a woman with only token resistance... she's going to think that you aren't worth that much. It doesn't feel good to be with a man who has no standards.

If she has to work for your attention, she has to justify that investment. And she'll justify that by believing that you're worth it. And, when she does earn your attention, she feels good. She feels that she accomplished something that's worthwhile.

Setting achievable goals are central to building attraction on eHarmony.

However, when you set goals that are too difficult, you run into a different problem. If a woman sees a situation that she feels like she can't win, it does not build attraction. Like the fox in Aesop's fable, she'll look at the grapes she can't reach, and will decide that they're not worth the effort. And you'll get closed, as she goes for the grapes that don't look so sour.

Here are some easy ways to get a self-esteem blowout:

• Ask picky questions about her must haves/can't stands list.
• Ask questions about psychological weaknesses that you're seeing.
• Demand things that she's implied that she's uncomfortable in providing.
• Argue with her about something that she said.
• Accuse her of being too extreme about something.
• Anything that comes across as a negative judgement, demand, accusation, or argument.
  

I'm not saying never to look at a woman's potential weaknesses. But, if you ask about them during structured communication, or over email, she is very likely to close you. (Which may not be bad, but you need to expect it.) These are issues that are better discussed on the phone or on the date. Your vocal tone and body language will make you look a lot less hostile when you ask the most difficult questions.

What are some better questions to ask? That's the subject of our next column... stay tuned!