Lately, I've been getting a lot of email from people in what I call the "failure spiral".
It's a vicious cycle where people start to fail. They become more self-conscious. They try harder, not realizing that, by doing so, they start to look more desperate. Which just makes their results worse. Which makes them try even harder... you get the idea.
And I can see that it's hurting a lot of you. Although I'm tempted to quote some letters... I think it might be embarrassing. And, if you're a letter-writer, and you think that I'm talking specifically to you, I'm not. I get a lot of these letters.
The first thing you need to do - refocus.
You can't let your results on eHarmony determine your self-worth.
You're making mistakes. That's okay. eHarmony isn't helping you - they want people to believe that they're an effortless solution. Popular culture isn't helping you - their view of how to attract people is based in fantasy, not reality. The sad fact is, there are few people who effectively teach men how to do better. So, it's not your fault that you're doing badly.
And you're not going to reverse the spiral overnight.
So, the first step? If you're feeling anything other than indifference or amusement... step away from the computer.
If your emotions are really raw, consider taking a break from eHarmony.
If you can't do that, limit your time. Logging on twice daily is plenty. An hour a day (total) on eHarmony-related pursuits is a lot of time - don't spend more than that. If you have to, redirect your eHarmony email to a different account. And if running the eHarmony .html script is too much of a temptation for you... shut it off.
And in the time that you're not on eHarmony... do things that make you happy. And have a great life.
Because quality women don't want to be with a man who builds their entire life around eHarmony.
More advice on reversing the "failure spiral" when I return on Monday...
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Posts like this really are helping me get my perspective back. My eHarmony experience has not been what I expected at all. Learning that I'm not alone has helped me rewrite my profile into something that sounds more like "me", with my natural self assurance. And I am going to spend the weekend on other pursuits. eHarmony was starting to affect my basic attitude and that's just foolish. Thanks.
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