Read your profile. Really. READ it.

I'm not kidding in my title.

Really. Read it out loud.

Does it sound like something you'd actually say?

Most of the time, when guys are trying to impress, they use language that's much more formal than they use in real life.

Or they try to be too cool, and pepper their profile with more L33T SP33K than substance. LOL. :-)

But, when people actually read profiles that are overly-formal, or too-hip-and-casual... they see someone who isn't being genuine.

Again, it's best to use relaxed, normal speech.

The same way you'd talk in real life.

Hey, sensitive guys...

If you've seen my work on this blog, and in our Google group, you've probably noticed that I come down pretty hard on guys who try to distinguish themselves by being "in touch with their feelings", "sensitive", "nice", and so forth.

Is it bad to be in touch with your feelings as a guy?

No. It's not. But you have to be careful in how you show your sensitivity.

If you portray yourself as a spineless wimp - most healthy women won't want a relationship with a guy who's so "sensitive" that they never know what to do.

If you're offering or implying romantic bribes to women who you don't know... women assume that you have nothing else to offer them.

And if you're just spouting cliches - well, intelligent women know that you're full of it. And they'll stay far away.

And sensitivity, alone, is usually not enough to attract attention.

But... hints toward a sensitive side might be okay.

Enthusiasm toward the arts can be attractive. Service toward worthy causes, as well.

Things that show strength and sensitivity.

Don't try to "fake it". Women see right through fakery.

But genuine, subtle hints toward your emotional maturity can make you more attractive.

When did you feel good?

As my loyal readers know, I've started my eHarmony-related consultation services - and so far, it's been an interesting experience.

The guys (so far, they've all been guys) that I've been working with... have all been great. But, often, a little troubled. And not just with eHarmony. And, unfortunately, their profiles reflect their current pain and uncertainty - and not their potential or their optimism.

One question that I've been asking (and that's been helpful) is a simple one - "At what point in your life were things going well for you?"

And most people can think of a time in their past where their (present) worries seemed insignificant.

Times when they focused on the things that made them feel happy and fulfilled.

And they usually pause. And start thinking about how they might start doing those things again.

And, suddenly, tricky questions (such as, "What are you most passionate about?", or, "What are you looking for?") become much easier to answer.

So, if you're stuck in your current doubts and worries, you might want to give this a try. It seems to help the folks that I'm working with...

Oh, you're my best friend ALREADY?

Okay. I get it.

Just about everyone hates the eHarmony profile question, "Describe one thing about yourself that only your best friends know".

Yes, it IS a stupid question.

And, yes, a lot of people answer it with obvious retorts like, "If I put it here, then it isn't something only my best friends would know." Or, "When you become my best friend, you'll find out."

Well, yes, I've experimented with answers like this. And every time I did it, my response rates fell.

Again, part of what you're trying to do in your profile is to look different from the other guys. And you won't do it by giving the same answers everyone else does.

Now, if, unlike most of the other guys, you show that you can actually have fun when you answer a question like this... That's the ticket to making yourself look better than the teeming masses.

Humor: How to use it

Speaking of the things that women say they like... a sense of humor is a common one.

And, yes, a sense of humor is a good thing.

A guy's capacity for humor says a lot about his strength as a human being. That he can face adversity with a smile. That he's social. That he can influence the emotions of others.

All good, idealizable traits.

Unless it's done wrong.

The fact is... yes, a lot of women's profiles and must haves/can't stands lists include humor.

So, as a response, many men try to be funny.

They'll say (and often repeat) in their profiles how funny they are, without demonstrating any humor. Which, immediately, seems ingenuine.

Or, they'll force a joke into the context of their profile or communications. Which makes them look like they're desperate to create some kind of appeal. And, in the process, destroying any idealization they've built.

Can humor be used in a profile? Absolutely. But it should be a subtle spice. It should look spontaneous, not forced.

And, if you're going to use humor, you need to demonstrate it. Not just tell people that you're funny.

Because, let's face it. A guy who has to say that he's funny... probably isn't.

"But, I can't get women, because I'm..."

Yep, I'm deadlocked with yet another match.

Although she's asked some really detailed "Phase 3" questions, she still hasn't revealed her photos. Until now, she's been eager to respond to every question. Within hours.

Now, I've sent a photo nudge, and haven't heard from her in quite some time.

And, here... I've gotta shake my head.

It is a common refrain in the dating world. The feeling that you can't find a girlfriend because of some "flaw".

You're short.

You're overweight.

Your nose is crooked.

Whatever.

Well, the problem is, by saying this, you're revealing that you have TWO problems.

One is the "problem" that you're talking about. (And, if it's possible to fix - think about it. It may be what you need to fix the second problem.)

The second? You're showing a lack of confidence.

And that's a major turn-off.

The fact is - "model-perfect" matches are rare. And, if a woman is signing onto eHarmony, she's at least somewhat of the belief that a guy's personality is important. (If not... why sit through a 300 question personality questionnaire?)

But, a lack of confidence? Now you've got internal problems. Not external ones.

So, if you've got a "flaw"? Don't draw more attention to it than you need to.

Don't apologize. Don't hide.

And if she's got a problem with it? Make it her problem. Not yours.

"I don't play games." Starting when?

There's another point to be made from yesterday's audio train wreck...

Did you find it interesting, how, on the second message, he kept saying that he won't hang around with women who play games with him?

He even accused her of having mental illness - for not returning his first phone call?

Uh... right.

That's an extreme example, but guys do make mistakes similar to this.

Think about it for a moment.

Imagine that you have no problems finding fun and interesting women to meet. They're plentiful in your world.

Would you go into 20 minute lectures telling women that you won't put up with her if she plays games with you?

Would you get upset if she didn't return a phone call? Or insult her? Or make threats to cut her off forever?

Of course not. You'd just move on.

So... when guys do these things, they demonstrate the exact opposite of what they're saying.

Me? I just follow my two strike rule.

And, when they hit two strikes? I don't threaten or blow up.

I just stop calling. And move on to meet women who are eager to talk.

An alternative path to profile building?

If you're not subscribed to our Google Group, you're really missing out. Because I'm not the only guy who's trying new things on eHarmony.

For example, one recent member described how he took a totally different approach to the "About me" section than I suggest.

First of all? He used good-quality photos. All of them had been rated on Hot or Not as 8 or above. He hasn't shared the pictures with me, but has reassured me that they're otherwise unexceptional - they don't have him in front of things that he enjoys, they aren't in interesting locations, he's not doing anything particularly noteworthy. All the pictures do is show that he's a good lookin' guy.

In the profile text? It was extremely vague and short. It didn't have any "red flags". And it didn't have anything particularly interesting either. It looked like he didn't put much effort into it. Clearly, the only attractive feature here... was that he was an attractive guy.

Again, this is an approach that I'd have predicted would not have worked well. But he says that he's getting about a 25% response rate to requests for communication. About the same rate as me.

I still put myself a little bit ahead of him - most of my matches live 3 hours away from me. But, if he's not trying to pull a fast one on all of us, this seems like it might work better than I thought it would.

If you try this approach... let me know how it works. I'd love to hear how it works for some other folks.

Beware the profile police...

If you hang around eHarmony for long enough, you'll probably run into a profile or two that instructs potential "matches" to contact them via email - and leaves an email address.

And a few members, after seeing this, might think about trying this out themselves. After all, it gives nonmembers a way to reach you... right?

A word of advice? Don't.

eHarmony routinely reads it's members' profiles. And, if you leave an email address behind, they will block you from receiving other matches. Permanently. Even if you still have weeks or months of membership prepaid.

So, if you're "lucky" enough to see one of these profiles before they get caught... should you respond?

Up to you. Remember - a woman who isn't willing to pay for her membership isn't terribly motivated to actually meet folks. If you do, I'd recommend using a "throwaway" email address, in case she turns out to be a spammer.

The martial artist meets eHarmony...

Well, once again, it was time to renew my "personal defense" training at work.

Besides reviewing maneuvers that I hadn't used in over a year, they did revise the introductory coursework. And added a startling statistic.

Basically, this: Every time you're in a (real) fight, the chances that you'll walk away without a serious injury drop in half every 15 seconds. I'm not sure I remember the statistic exactly, but you get the idea - the longer you prolong the fight, the less likely you are to walk away.

But, after thinking about it, this makes a lot of sense. If you can't take your opponent out quickly with your best maneuvers, more time is probably not going to make much of a difference.

Yet, in people's eHarmony profiles, I see people making this mistake a lot. They take a decent, intriguing idea.... and then keep on adding more.

As a result, the profile almost always gets worse.

Short profiles are good. They're confident. And they demonstrate that your online "life" isn't nearly as important as your real life.

So... if the section that you're working on is successfully opening an emotional door.... stop. A strong 1-2 sentence answer is almost always better than a longer one.

(P.S. If you're in a real fight, and it does go long? Never give up. You'll always lose if you stop trying.)

Building your virtual weekend

Staying on the theme of why it's important not to make your profile a list of your qualifications... Another spot where men tend to make this mistake is when eHarmony asks you to describe how you spend your spare time.

This is a point where most men provide a sterile and somewhat random list of "things they like to do". Essentially, trying to provide a huge list that a woman might find something in common with.

Again, better profiles don't seek approval. They draw a woman into understanding what it might be like to spend time with you.

For example, a typical profile might read, "I like to go to movies, hang around with friends, ride my Harley-Davidson, and play cards."

A better way? "The perfect weekend for me would be out on the road on my Harley, taking in the feeling as the wind rushes by and the highway unfolds. To top it off, I'd meet up with my other buddies at [the name of an out of the way bar] - folks that I've known for so long, we complete each other's sentences."

Again, there's no sense that he's seeking approval. He's describing how he likes to spend his weekend. And, if a woman's sharp, she'll have lots of questions to ask - about his friends, and places he's been.

We'll bring this into the first few dates next week...

Bringing Passion to your Passion

As I've observed in our last article, a lot of men treat their profile like a resume. They write their "qualifications", and ask women if they're acceptable enough to interview.

Unfortunately, it's a frame of reference that usually fails to attract women.

In my hands, the most successful profiles don't provide a sterile list of qualifications.

Instead, they begin to draw women into an emotional experience.

And when women are drawn into that emotional experience... they usually want it to continue.

Fortunately for us, eHarmony profiles begin with a golden opportunity to draw women into the richness of our emotional worlds. By asking us, "What are you most passionate about?"

And, fortunately for us... most writers fall back into "resume" mode.

Let me give you an example.

Many of our readers have become successful at their jobs, and are justifiably proud of them. However, saying something like, "Right now, I'm focused on building my law practice."

I don't see much emotion or passion there.

Now, if he expanded that a little bit, there's some emotional richness. For example, "While I was a clerk in law school, I began to hear the horrific stories of clients who were seeking political refugee status. After hearing how these people were treated, I couldn't help but to dedicate my career to helping them build safe lives in the U.S."

Now, we've opened a door. If the woman has any sense of curiosity or compassion, she'll want to hear some of these stories. And more about what he does.

And now... there's a door to the interesting, and fulfilling emotional experience that most profiles don't provide. And you haven't provided a woman with a sense of, "I've worked hard in my career, so now you owe me."

More tomorrow.

What happens when you list your accomplishments?

One problem with a lot of men's eHarmony profiles is that they look a lot like resumes.

They list accomplishments.

In the "What are you passionate about", they take a moment to brag about something they did. Or provide a list of things that they do.

When they're asked, "What do you like to do", they give sterile lists of things that they're able to do.

This is okay (to some extent), when you're looking for a job. You want to demonstrate that you're qualified to fill the position.

But, you're not looking for a job... it's an approach that comes off a little strangely.

Frankly, why are you seeking the approval of strangers?

Why do you need to make anonymous women find your accomplishments acceptable?

And, if you're this hungry for approval before you meet her (or during the date), what are you going to be like in a relationship?

An ever-hungry, approval-seeking leech?

That's unattractive, to say the very least.

"But, if I'm not going to list my accomplishments in my profile, or on my date, what do I do instead?"

Let's talk about that tomorrow.

Be the hero - not the sidekick.

Life is tough for the superhero sidekicks of the world.

They face the same dangers as the heroes. In fact, they face even more danger.

Superman and Captain America don't get hurt when a random thug fires a gun at them. But Jimmy Olsen and Bucky Barnes are oh-so vulnerable to these humdrum attacks.

But the sidekick still plays his role. Providing support. Steady companionship. Friendship. Counsel.

So, when women see the hero and the sidekick together... who do they swoon for?

They always chase the hero, don't they?

"Okay", you may ask, "What's the point of all of this so far? Why are you talking about superhero sidekicks on an eHarmony advice blog?"

The answer is simple.

A lot of guys, when they decide to write their profile, describe their best qualities in a way that makes them look like sidekick material.

They're "faithful friends". But they don't lead.

They're "laid back", and "go with the flow" of the superhero's lead.

And they'll do anything for their friend.

... and then, they wonder why the women are paying attention to the superheroes.

Stop wondering. The "sidekick" role does not work on eHarmony.

Be the hero. Not the sidekick.

P.S. If you don't understand why women don't go for the sidekicks... you really need to read (or reread) my welcome package.

The Dangers of Textual Diarrhea

Most guys, when they visit a site like eHarmony, don't really know what they want.

And, in their profile and communications, they try to please everyone. So, they try to put out long streams of anything that might please someone.

And, often end in a case of what I call, "Textual diarrhea". Long passages of disconnected, loose crap.

And, make no mistake about it - women see through this quickly.

In the profile? You really don't want to go into "diarrhea" mode. Pick just a few intriguing highlights. And keep your text short. Your highlights may not please everyone... but they'll please the women that you want to spend time with.

In your communications? Ease off the gas. She's gone through long rounds of guided communication. If she's done that - she's interested in you. You don't need to prove yourself further. Relax.

Because, when you relax, the women who are attracted to you will work harder.

And, pretty soon, you might be on the receiving end of her textual diarrhea.

In your profile? Don't break the fourth wall.

One technique that I've explained in the past is the idea of easing tension about the meetup.

As I've practiced this before, I always did this during my first phone call. Essentially, during the phone call, I let her know that I've met a few women on eHarmony, that "chemistry" doesn't always happen, and that, if it doesn't, she seems like she'd make a good friend.

Recently, I experimented with placing statements like this in my profile.

Unfortunately, this experiment did not go well. Response rate went down slightly - although this may have been due to chance.

However, levels of excitement and interest on the phone dropped. Dramatically.

In a way, I used a technique from theater, called "breaking the fourth wall". These are the times, during a movie or theatrical performance, where the actors remind the audience that they're viewing a scripted performance, instead of immersing themselves in the fantasy world of the show.

Used as an occasional, rare, jarring moment - it can be effective. If you use it too much, though, you miss the point of going to the show - which was to immerse yourself in the writer's world for an hour or two.

And, in retrospect, breaking the fantasy in the profile is doing it much too early.

So, give her the go-ahead. Let her build romantic castles in the sky for awhile. And only break it to release the fear that it may break anyway.

Oh well. That's why I do these experiments. :-)

Profile page one: Leave her with more questions!

As I've mentioned several times before, the "About me" page needs to convey genuineness, and develop intrigue.

How do you develop intrigue?

By telling someone just enough to develop interest, but leave out the answers to the most interesting questions.

Questions that will make her want to hear more. And bear through the communication process.

Some statements may build ease, but do little to increase intrigue.

Saying, "I like to [X, Y and Z]" are statements. They don't really raise new questions.

Saying, "I'm laid-back, easygoing, and intelligent" doesn't do the job either.

Granted, to certain profile questions, these are the best answers. And you can overdo it with the "intrigue" spice. But you'd be foolish not to sprinkle it in.

Do you have photographs of you doing something interesting? Put up the photo, but resist the urge to describe it in your profile. If it's interesting... she'll ask about it.

Start a few stories. If you're an inventor, convey your excitement about your latest invention... but don't tell them what it is yet. (And, guess what? To boot, you've already told her that you're intelligent and creative. So you don't need to reemphasize it.)

If you've had an interesting experience on your last trip, start the story - but don't finish it. For example, "daring my friend to _____" implies a lot of questions. Did you do it yourself? Did you talk him into doing it? What posessed you to do this in the first place?

You get the idea.

Sprinkle these in. If they're effective, women will ask about them.

And if they don't... experiment. Find out what people want to hear more about.

An online tip that will HURT you on eHarmony...

One bit of online advice that has hit the "seduction community" is the importance of setting standards in an online profile.

Some seduction gurus suggest "cold-reads". Saying that you're looking for something vaguely positive that most women will agree with. For example, "Someone who has a beautiful energy". Or vague references to being intelligent, or social. Which seem to imply standards... but, when you look closer, you can see that few women will disqualify themselves for being dumb, lazy, or unhappy with their lives.

Others suggest a laundry list of saying that you're "too good" for some of the parasites that hit online dating services. That you're not a sugar-daddy, and that you're not into head games or power plays, and so forth.

You'll notice that I've never suggested doing any of these things.

There's a reason. I've experimented with them. And every time that I've done this, my eHarmony response rate has always went down.

Now, I can't speak to what's effective on other services. And a lot of the guys making these suggestions run pretty rigorous experiments to prove that their advice is correct.

In the end, I've always done best with coming back to what the "About me" section is supposed to do - generate interest. Self-confidence is part of what generates that interest. And self-confident guys don't play with their guards up.

Think about it. You're about to go through guided communication and email. You, and every guy on this service has plenty of opportunities to make a woman qualify.

It's the rare guy that will make this process challenging, fun and social. And I've done a lot better when I've been open to getting to know a person better.

And, yes, I still will make judgements. But I'll judge them after you've learned something, rather than before.

It's different... but it's worked for me.

So, don't set demands in your profile. Just talk about yourself in a cool, casual, and intriguing way.

You'll be implying your standards anyway. And you don't need to be unfriendly about it.

What NOT to include in your profile

As I've mentioned before, "nerd" topics tend not to do well in profiles.

What's a "nerd" topic?

Well, if it's in this video, it's probably too nerdy. (Even if I think "Happy Days" might work in the "things only my best friends know about me".)

Reflections on a retest

Yeah, I've been on eHarmony (on and off, between relationships) for a couple of years now.

It's been an eventful few years for me. And, I think I've changed in a lot of good ways.

But, I began to think... was that "personality questionnaire" that I took two years ago still accurate?

Probably not. I figured it's time for a retake.

And, yes, the customer service representative that I called quickly agreed. They even gave me a free month of service - and I didn't ask for it!

It's still early - but I'm liking the results so far. I'm getting fewer matches (I guess my personality isn't the typical eHarmony customer's), but there's more of an emotional presence to them that I'm beginning to appreciate.

But... enough about me.

If you're also thinking that your personality has changed since you took the questionnaire (hopefully, in good ways), here's some advice:

• Get a copy of your profile before calling customer service. You may not remember this... but you were asked about your passion, the most influential person in your life, and your "checklist" traits during the personality questionnaire. You'll need to reenter them. But don't worry - everything else will be saved. Including your photos.
• Call customer service when you're ready to take the test. Not before. Because, once the customer service representative flips the switch, you'll be unable to request new matches, obtain new matches, or communicate through the eHarmony system until you've finished your retake.

But, other than that... enjoy your new life... and your new matches.