War Story: Ice Broken

As I've previously said, I'm no fan of the "icebreaker" feature. In general, I don't advise guys to use it - it makes men look like they're either insecure, or a (cheap) nonmember.

And, usually, I close the women who send icebreakers, dismissing them as unmotivated.

But, I did make an exception - unlike most "icebreaker" users, this one had a fully-filled out profile. And a fairly interesting one to boot.

I did initiate communication - and she responded with an icebreaker. In her case, "Your profile brought a smile to my face!"

I thought hard about this one... and followed my "two strike" rule. With the icebreaker counting as one strike, and no other apparent strikes (unless I looked really hard for one), I decided to try a response.

So, I searched the icebreaker options, and found one that fit.

"Would you like to chat?"

Effectively telling her, if she'd like something to happen, it's time to move.

And, yes, she decided to start communication after that.

Did I convince her to pay? I don't know. And I'm not asking.

War Story: She sent me a picture of her ass!

Well, here's a first...

When I asked this woman for more pictures... she sent me a picture of her ass.

Don't believe me? Here's the picture.



















Just when you thought you've seen it all...

War Story: Recovery from an email overheat

Continued from yesterday...

It's clear... she's still eager to meet me. But she's feeling unsafe.

Why?

Because we're meeting in a crowded state park? Probably not. In her profile, she says that she hikes a lot. And she's not fearful of the random guys she might run into.

She's in fear because she's "overheated". She's seeing more romantic potential than I had planned. When I mentioned picnic, I was thinking sack lunches, conversation, and some walking of well-trafficked areas. She's thinking isolation, wine, cheese, and losing control.

Her thoughts are scary to her right now - she doesn't know me yet! So, we need to make her comfortable... but not ruin the idealization process that got us this far. So... here's my reply.

I was figuring that the fall foliage crowds would keep you feeling safe... but I totally understand. (Part of the reason I wanted to avoid restaurants in [City of the park] - they'd probably be mobbed.)

Anyway, [Town she mentioned] has some things going for it... but [Another town] might be more fun. (The downtown area isn't nearly as fun as [the town I picked]) And I know a couple of good places to eat in [the town I mentioned]...

We'll talk later.

Here we go. I'm not saying that I was wrong... I'm just saying that, if she's uncomfortable, I have other places where we can have some fun. And I'm still "leading the way" to the fun.

Her reply?

[The city I said] would be great! You name the place. And thanks for understanding. I really appreciate it.

Ever-eager for the meetup, she calls on Friday night. I don't answer, but pick up her message on voice mail. Oddly enough, she mentions the strange ethnic style of food that I was going to suggest.

So, if she's mentioning the type of food that I was going to suggest... am I going to lose the idealization opportunity?

Heck no. And it's a mirroring opportunity to boot. I text out:

LOL - I was going to ask if [ethnicity] would be too weird for you. [Name of restaraunt], 12:00, send u address tomorrow AM.

----------------------

Next morning, I email:

Hey, XXXX!

Don't know if you got my text message... You SO cracked me up - I was going to call and ask if you thought [ethnicity of] food was too weird for you. I guess not. (+5 points)

So, let's meet up at:

[Restaraunt address]

Look forward to meeting you in person!

She replies:

Scott,
Yes, I did - that was awesome. I'm really glad, and I think we're going to have fun. (talks about the local connection to that type of food)

I like to try new things when the opportunity arises. You never know when a rich new experience is going to present itself, and that has given me a very full life. Plus, weird, obscure, offbeat and artsy things are usually interesting.

I'm looking forward to it too...see you tomorrow. :-)

And, yes. The date went very well, and led to a 3-month relationship. Unfortunately, some hidden deal-killers kept things from going further... but, certainly, no regrets.

War Story: Overheated by email

One recent thread in our Google Group addressed a problem that can often be encountered on eHarmony - communicating with women who, initially seem extremely eager to meet... but then cut off communication suddenly.

There can be a lot of reasons why this might occur. One of the most common?

She gets too excited over email.

And when a woman gets that excited, meeting can become scary.

A few months ago, I managed something similar. Here's how it went.

Starting off? Her guards were way up. She was asking questions that were very premature. And I let her know.

So... This was phase 1, her questions, my answers:

1. How often do you lose your temper? E) Rarely.
2. Which of the following marriage issues do you fear most? B) fear of marrying the wrong person
3. How important is chemistry to you? E) If it isn't there quickly, there's usually a reason...
4. Where do you see yourself living in 15 years? E) Where opportunity knocks.
5. If you were to marry, how many children would be ideal? E) Asking to bear my children already? I do want them, but this is fast...

She fast tracked me, I accepted.

Her first message?

Subj: Clicked on the wrong question!!!
Scott,
I have no idea how that question about kids got in there. I'm sorry about that! I just signed up, and I'm sure I was aiming for something else. Please nix that question and forget about until much later.
Thanks for understanding!
XXXX

I'm not sure I'm buying it. But she's backing off, because she's interested in me. And I'm sure my "alpha"/idealizable response to her questions helped. So, I'll reduce the tension a little bit. But, clearly, being "alpha" is a part of what got me here... abandoning it would be foolish.

Subj: RE: Clicked on the wrong question!!!
No worries. Hope you appreciated the joke. :-)

Anyway, looks like we're in open communication now - which is fine with me. It's a much more normal way to talk.

Anyway, a lot of things on your page do seem interesting... but a little serious. What are some of your guilty pleasures?

- Scott (email address)

An enthusiastic response...

Subj: More Stuff
Hi, Scott. Thanks for understanding. And I always like jokes!

We can also go back to formulated questions if you prefer or if you would find it more helpful.

OK, at this point I'm only going to share superficial guilty pleasures. ;-) Despite the genetic predisposition, I avoid guilt if I can help it. But I sure do like pleasure! And that can be a lot of things. I do feel guilty if I nap because there are so many other things I should be doing. And ice cream. I like [regional brand]. And just about anything that pleases the senses.

What strikes you as serious? Some things are serious to me, some not so much.
What game are you watching in that picture? Do you find that people act differently around you because you [what I do for a living]?
You can also email me at: (XXXXX)

This caused me to pause. Usually, with a response this enthusiastic, I'm prompting to go to the phone. But, in my mind, it still seemed too fast for a fast track. I went another round - which served to build tension... And show her that I'm beginning to pay attention.

(I replied via email, and closed her with the reason, "We're communicating outside of eHarmony")

Subj: Breaking out of eHarmony
Hello, again!

As for [my job]... Some people are intimidated at first. But when they talk for awhile, things usually get normal. Whatever that means. :-)

Hmm... never spent too much time in a city with [local brand] Ice cream. Always hear good things about it, though...

So... what did you do in your last trip to the woods? Find anything interesting? And, for that matter, what brought you into hockey?

Talk later!

Of course, an enthusiastic reply:

Good morning. By the way, I was really impressed that you said "mitzvah" on your page.
Most of my trips in the woods are just about walking and climbing a few hills. [region] has lots and lots of trails with pretty things to look at - rocks, trees, hills, some animals. I haven't been able to go too much the past 3 months, but I'm trying to get my schedule more freed up.
Hockey was kind of an accident. I was at a party and just started talking to the guy who coordinates the local leagues, and he mentioned that it was co-ed. I watched a few games. It looked like so much fun, I had to try it. It's a blast! (I'm very much a beginner, but it's great fun and the people on the team are becoming friends.)

You seem to have a lot of ecletic tastes. What did you spend your time doing this weekend? What game are you watching in your online photo?

Have a great day today.
XXXX

Obviously, she's ready for a phone call. Foolishly, I waited 48 hours - something that builds tension. Which is what I didn't need to do at this point.

She couldn't wait, and sent another message:

I like when i encounter animals like deer and snakes on the trail. That's always fun.
Hockey tonight was a blast. Ends late, though. My coach's team will be playing in [my city] in February.
How was your day?

I reply:

Glad you had a good day... Got lost in cleaning yesterday - getting
ready for a pumpkin-carving party at my place.

Anyway, I've got more cleaning, a lot of meetings, and a few things
with friends this week... I'm probably not going to be able to keep up
with my email very well. I'd still like to talk some more though -
give me a call at (XXX)XXX-XXXX.

Talk later!

She calls (of course). Texts me later in the evening to tell me that she's up until 11. I really was swamped with something else, texted her that I'd call her the next day, she said she understood.

Called the next day. Great phone conversation. (Otherwise, I wouldn't have bothered going further... I actually don't like 'em this easy.) Made a date for two weeks at a "halfway" point that I wanted to visit anyway.

Planning the meetup was a little more difficult that I expected. The highlight was being near fall foliage at a state park... but it's also high tourist season, as well. In other words, lunch places would probably be MOBBED, and they weren't good anyway. So, I throw this email out:

Hey, XXX

Unfortunately, the lunch options aren't looking all that good - I've
been to the highest-rated restaurant on TripAdvisor, and thought it
was awful.

So... let's do something a little different. I'll pack some lunches, and we can meet up in [State] Park. I figure the [biggest building] is a good place to meet up... we can probably find a picnic table nearby. You can find directions at [web address]
Anything I need to know about before packing a lunch for you? (Food allergies, etc.)

12:00 sound good? (I realize we're both traveling - someone's likely to be early or late.) :-)

And I'll keep an eye out on weather reports, and let you know if I need to come up with a "bad weather" plan.

Talk later!

Her response:

Oh, wow. This is my dream romantic picnic lunch. Watch out, I'm a sucker for stuff like this. Thanks for asking about the allergies. I don't have any, but I don't eat trayf. (I do mix meat and milk, sorry to say.)
I'll bring some wine and cheese...anything else you can think of?
Here are some pics I took of myself this past sunday. No pressure on the time...when you get there, you get there. And if it rains, we'll figure out something else. Looking forward to it!

She later adds:

oh, here's my car so you can see me drive up. her name is [Name]. (includes picture)

Hmm... running a little hotter than I expected. Definitely overromanticizing. And definitely "showing off" to impress me.

This is a dangerous place. As I've pointed out, when romantic excitement doesn't balance comfort, women get scared. And they start to get nervous.

I held off contact, knowing this was a possibility. Sure enough, a few days later, this message arrives:

Scott,
I'm rather new to the online dating thing, but I think it would be better to meet the first time in a public place like a restaurant, and not in the woods. Let's hook up in [small town]. I found this:

[restaraunt weblink]

Or I'm open to other suggestions. [Nearby small town] might have more to offer than [City with the park].

Sorry about the last minute request for a change. Are you OK with this?
I'll follow up with a phone call, too.

Now, I'm in a tricky situation.

I need to reset the comfort/tension balance.

And I need to stay idealizable.

How do I do it?

We'll continue tomorrow.

War story: The REAL eHarmony nightmare...

When it comes down to it, online "dating" is the process of meeting complete strangers. And eHarmony is no exception.

The good thing about meeting strangers is - you meet interesting, new people.

The bad thing about meeting strangers is - you're going to meet some people who might be a little scary.

Some people blame eHarmony for nightmares like this. I don't. If they screened every single person who used the service... no one could use it.

But, when you do use it... you have to be prepared.

So... here's a recent horror story with one of my matches.

Things start pretty routinely. She seemed like an attractive woman, and had an interesting, well-written profile. The first open communication messages fly by... it's all fun.

On the phone - things get kind of tense. Things feel a little off. She seems a lot more guarded than her emails. And, in contrast, seemed really tense.

I gave her the benefit of the doubt - I suppose even some decent women might get "phone jitters" the first time they talk to a guy on eHarmony. I mention meeting up, and she tells me that she's got to leave town for a few weeks. I replied, "That's fine, give me a call when you get back", left the ball in her court... and was ready to meet my next match.

Well, over a week later, she fires off this email...

Happy Passover Scott.

I discovered yesterday, much to my horror, that my ex has been monitoring my computer & telephone activity. Your number was on my cell phone, as well as my computer. He asked about you specifically, unfortunately, because you are the only man I have spoken to (gee - aren't you lucky?). I simply told him that you were a [what I do for a living] I had contacted, and left it at that. In the meantime, I am deleting every email, changing my cell phone & cancelling every other account I can think of. I apologize sincerely for accidentally exposing you to such a thing, he is not violent - merely annoying and very, very, persistent - but I felt that you had a right to know. I am so very sorry.

Sincerely,
[Name withheld]

Consider this a warning, guys. Be careful out there.

And, before you get too attached to someone... remember, you she could be leading you into this.

War Story: Teasin' done right.

One common question that people ask when they're new to meeting women online is, "What do you do when someone isn't giving you anything to write about?"

Well, if they're giving me absolutely NOTHING... she probably isn't worth the effort.

But if her effort is waning... sometimes they need a little kick in the pants.

Recently, one woman who had a pretty intriguing profile, and seemed pretty engaged in the guided comminication questioning wrote me a first message that fell flat:

"Hi, Scott! I'm new to this. What do we do now?"

That seemed strange. She seemed pretty expressive before. In spite of the fact that she went by her first initial, rather than her full name.

It's time to take the lead. But, I felt like teasing her a little... Here's my response.

Hi, [First intial] (fill in the rest of your name here)! Nice to meet you.

What do we do now? Good question.

On one hand, you've got an interesting first page. A few things did catch my eye...

And those open-ended questions? Impressive. Very intuitive.

But, then, you write a first message, and don't even say, "Nice to meet you"? Or even tell me your name?

Hee hee... Just teasin'. It's okay. ;-)

Tell 'ya what - if you impress me with your next message, we can try talking on the phone like normal folks.

Need a topic? Here are some ideas - pick and choose, or make up your own:

[questions inserted here]

Hope to hear more from you soon...

- Scott

Yes, she responded pretty enthusiastically.

Don't get me wrong here: This isn't a template that you can copy, paste, and use on everyone. I imagine it would probably cause a lot of blowouts. Items from our earlier interaction made me believe that she'd take it well. I had fun writing it. And I doubt she'll see another message like it.

But, it gives you an idea of how to set someone up for a good teasing.

War Story: Overgamed and Underqualified, Final thoughts

So, what do I make of that disaster?

The problem, really wasn't one of my "game". As far as game goes - this was a marathon run. On the whole, things were "handled" well. Sure, it wasn't perfect - but such things rarely are.

The problem is - game is a tool. It's a tool for developing and maintaining a state of attraction. And it was working - she frequently commented upon how charming I was.

The problem? The game was the only thing that I was focusing on.

And, when you do that, you can develop attraction - but not necessarily to the right target.

Yes, she was good looking. No doubt there. But she has a lot of problems. And a relationship with her would be a living hell. She was not the person that I wanted to develop attraction with.

And, yes, the signs were there. Very early.

She needed a nudge at every step of guided communication. This indicates someone who's preoccupied, or uninterested. Neither of which is worth the effort I expended.

After the kiss, she gave me a marathon session explaining why she wasn't ready for a relationship. And if I could think of anything other than how to win her over... I would have listened.

Bottom line - I got the outcome that I worked hard to obtain. And, in a sense, I deserved the result.

"Oh, come on", you might say. "I'd never continue something like that."

I posted this story to another seduction board... and that's pretty much what they said too.

But, it was only weeks later... calls were on the board for help with women who were doing the same things that this woman was doing. Asking for help on how to win over women who were preoccupied with other problems.

It's easy to get blinded by someone's beauty, or your need to master the game.... and miss the target you are going for. The relationship you want, with a woman worthy of your attention.

And some women are distractions. Not targets.

Maryann adds:

Scott wrote that some women are distractions, not targets. This is a really odd thing about dating, in general. On the one hand, we all need to practice just meeting new people, flirting, learning when and how to move to kissing, etc. On the other hand, while one of you is practicing, the other is falling in love or is scrutinizing everything, looking for a reason not to fall in love.

I used to naively think it was best to just be honest with each other about what we were doing and the outcome each of us was looking for, but it turns out that is just another game, or another turn in the game. The truth is, we don’t know which relationships will turn out to just be practice and which will develop into more. If we lean too much on the practice part, we end up with Scott’s experience of just going too far down a dead end street. If we focus too intently on finding The One, then all of our scrutinizing and screening will scare off the strongest candidates. After all, someone who is comfortable with himself (in my case) and is ready to offer love and kindness will not particularly enjoy a game of proving himself over and over on multiple shit tests.

I’m knee deep in this quandary right now. Since uploading an “8” picture, and re-working my profile a bit, I’m now on a hot streak, with five live men showing interest. Just this morning by eight am, I had received two phone calls and three emails. They are all out of town, so nothing too immediate is planned. One man is coming to my town on Friday, but we don’t have definite plans yet. So, I find myself in the startling new position of needing to make choices among them.

Am I just leading on the more marginal options? Or, am I remaining open to possibilities? Am I potentially screwing up the two I’m most interested in by playing around with the other three? At what point will I need to make a choice? Or, will they all disappear as quickly as they appeared? Perhaps I should keep working my inbox to keep a steady stream coming in until I am actually in a “committed relationship.”

So guys (and you women who read this), the truth is, you never know anything until you find out. We’re all groping in the dark on some level. One major lesson of dating is to learn to forgive ourselves and our dates for stumbling around and making some of these “mistakes.” There really is not a perfect way to go.

War Story: Overagmed and Underqualified, Part 2.

Continued from our last chapter...

The next day, I receive an email. It's been awhile ago, and I don't remember the exact language she used, but one phrase that I think came close was, "You seem like a nice guy, but I'm not really sure yet."

I called her back later that day. She quickly starts to ask me questions about my divorce, and I tell her some of the story - essentially, that she had some real, personal problems that she refused to address, and the relationship couldn't function anymore. She quickly became concerned, telling me that she had fibromyalgia (a chronic pain syndrome that many people believe to be psychological), and my story really had her worried. She told me, "You told me that it's important for you to date people who are Jewish [a part of answering the "Why are you on eHarmony" question], and I respect that... but I need to know that you think Fibromyalgia is real, and you can deal with it."

I told her that I didn't know whether fibromyalgia was real or not, but I'm sure that her pain was, and I wasn't the type to argue about it. As for whether I'd be able to deal with it... I didn't know enough yet. I told her that I'm looking for someone who I could build a relationship with, and, if she's too sick to have one, it wouldn't work. And I asked her if that's really possible for her. She replied, "yes". A few awkward moments, she asked how I was feeling about our conversation, I replied it's a little weird... but I think we're bonding. She agreed, and went on a quick digression about, "I NEVER kiss on the first date. Never EVER!!", and I replied with, "Yeah, and I could tell you really hated it." She laughed, conversation ended quickly, and we set up a weekend to meet again.

Text banter followed, pretty flirtatious in nature. As I was driving up, she texted me that she needed some help from me... and when I arrived, she instructed me on how to apply some patches to her back for her pain. After that, the greeting was a little cold, but we went to our date (a jazz festival downtown), and the physical ice was finally broken when she giggled as I mentioned playing with our food. I went, "Hmm... I think I know what you like...", dabbed some of the lemon square desert on her cheek, kissed it off. She looked at me with a mock look of horror, I replied, "your turn". She smeared some on my lips - and it was on. To a point where we were quite a spectacle. I think one guy yelled, "Look at the classy guy getting it on with the hot chick!" We both laughed, I returned her home. She asked what I had planned the next day, I mentioned using the hotel gym/pool, and some shopping I had to do - my black pants were messy from the picnic, and I was going to wear them the next day. She was excited by the shopping.

Next day - I didn't get a call from her until late afternoon. She said that the fatigue got to her. I just mentioned that I did my workout... We meet up for lunch - things are a little more comfortable physically. We go to lunch, she asks a lot of questions regarding our separation, my ex-wife's repeated promises to change... and why I didn't stay. I finally asked her, "Well, when would you decide you've had enough excuses, and just accept that she's not going to change?"

She says, "Good point. I've always had problems with that." And starts going into the story with her cheatin' ex-husband. And her continued struggles with him. Over stuff that most people consider "lost causes" in divorce. Like the copy of Windows XP that she was supposed to get from him. Things that just aren't worth the effort for most people going through a divorce.

More mild shit-testing occurs during the day. Over dinner, I kind of confront her about how she likes to pick fights for attention - she gets angry. Actually starts crying. I apologize (mostly to shut her up), we go to the play we had planned (I already bought the ticket), she settles down.

We meet the next day, she's making an effort. Made breakfast for me, looking really good, even for her. And the next day goes well. The day ends, she mentions relaxing with some television at home at the end of the day, I say I'll join her.

We both flop on the beanbag in front of her television, start cuddling, quickly move to making out, and we're pretty hot n' heavy to third base. She tells me that she's got some "trigger points" that need to be relaxed before we go further, or she "can't release" because of her fibromyalgia, and goes to her bedroom for some latex gloves and lubricant. (Already, this isn't sounding like so much fun anymore.)

On the way to the bedroom, the phone rings. She reads the caller I.D., and picks up the phone. Some screaming and carrying on in the bedroom (not the kind I want), she eventually comes out, asking if we could just rest. I agree, ask if it's the ex-husband, she answers yes.

I leave an hour or so later, head home. I call the next day, we decide to be friends.

So... that's the disaster. We'll pick through the "lessons learned" tomorrow.

War Journal, 8/13/07

Well, the list is pretty long here... I'm doing the best I can with the statistics for you folks.

Of the three that were in phase 3 last week - Two finished, after lengthy delays. I'm waiting for their first messages. (One just finished today, the other probably doesn't realize that she MUST write the first message...) The third got nudged... I'll dump her soon if she doesn't move.

One non-responder to phase 1 got nudged, and will be purged soon if she continues...

Got a lot of new matches too:

One went to phase 3, and I'm waiting for her answers.
Three haven't started communication.
I closed one due to distance.
One closed me due to distance.
One closed me, stating, "I have too much happening in my life right now." Strange...

... and that's this week, in review.

WarJournal, 8/6/07

Busy week... in a good way.

In last weeks group:
I purged the girl who hadn't responded to phase 3 questions after a nudge.

I purged the minimal answers/no photos woman.

The suspected scammer that I fast-tracked and offerred friendship to, never answered. Purged.

The decent profile with the hidden photo - Nudged, but still hasn't answered Phase 1 questions and will probably be purged this week.

The "red flag" woman - improved her profile, and left photos. I can see some positives now... she's initiated communication, and we're at Phase 3.

In new matches...

Here's a funny story. Finished exchanging phase 1 answers with one woman, when I realized... I didn't leave my photos visible to her. She closed me immediately afterwards with the message, "I'm perusing other matches". Eh, my looks aren't for everybody. And I've got plenty who are interested. So... Next!

One new match is in phase 3. I might do a field report on her later... stay tuned.

Another new match is also in phase 3.

Initiated conversation with one new person this morning - no response.

One is no photos/minimal answers. And right now, I may become overbooked, if all of the phase 3s are worth meeting. So... I haven't initiated communication.

And I've shut off the eHarmony Blog script. If things go well, I'm teetering on "overbooked". And if they don't, I'll just turn it back on again. No big deal.

And that's this week's war journal...

War Journal, 7/30/07

Finally, activity seems to be picking up...

Last week, I had two matches left. One provided minimal answers and no photo. She corrected these problems - as well as changing her religion to "Spiritual, but not religious." Never responded to my request for communication... so, I guess she's not interested. Nor am I, really. I closed.

The one who was in phase 3 hasn't answered her questions. I nudged her this weekend, I'll close her on Thursday if she doesn't respond.

As for new activity...

One new match closed me, citing "Other". Finally! Someone rejects my profile! I was beginning to think my profile was too generic!

One has a hidden photo, and an otherwise full profile. I've initiated communication, no response so far.

One has no photo, minimal answers to questions. I've initiated communication, but she'll probably be purged soon.

One has no photo, but left a decent sized profile... which hangs out some red flags. I'll give her a chance (it's only communication, after all), but if she doesn't respond, she'll be purged quickly.

Finally, a profile that I closed 30 days ago asked me to reconsider. She's older than I'd like to consider, and has some "red flags" that indicate a potential scammer. On one hand, she does have 3 photos which look like they came out of magazine advertisements (all carrying a soda can), and s/he claims to have been a dolphin behavior researcher who later got an MBA and started an organic fruit juice company... But, on the other hand, "scam" profiles can rarely keep an active eHarmony account for 30 days. I threw her a fast-track message offering to be friends. We'll see what happens - if she's a scammer, I'll report her, and eHarmony will take care of it. And, if not... she'd make an interesting friend.

And that's the week in review.

War Journal, 7/23/07

The two nonresponsive matches from last week continued to be unresponsive. I closed them.

Two new matches this week:
One provided no photo and minimal answers. Hasn't responded, likely to be purged.

One is now in phase 3, "Reading your questions". At first glance, not seeming my type - her profile emphasized that she's a sports fan with a child. Neither of those really resonate with me. But, let's give her a chance to see what we might have in common...

War Journal, 7/16/07

Last week, I had two matches that didn't open. They didn't open during the week... so I closed 'em.

This week brought me the following:
3 matches that I closed due to distance (over 4 hours away).
One match that closed me due to distance (3 hours away).
One match with minimal answers and no photo, hasn't responded. To be purged this week if no response.
One match who isn't very appealing so far, hasn't responded. To be purged this week if no response.

Things are crawling along...

War Journal, 7/9/07

Now that I'm back at a computer that doesn't lie behind a firewall... here are last week's stats:

Two fast-tracks were in the water last week.

The first was a woman who I had closed (from nonresponse), and who sent a "Please reconsider" final message. She answered my "Phase 3" questions well, looked like she was hooked. But she only provided one photo - a headshot at a VERY strange angle. I gave her a chance to try again... and she (predictably) closed, saying the chemistry wasn't there. I guess she knew what I was going to think of her pictures...

The other... accepted my fast-track, but hasn't written. And will probably fall victim to my Thursday Night purge. Maybe even sooner. Sigh. Another lesson reinforced - sometimes, women describe who they want to be, instead of who they are. Still - no loss.

I closed another woman (who I shuffled to guided communication), due to her not picking up communication.

As for new matches this week:
I closed one for living over 5 hours away.
One closed me, citing distance.
One is no photos/minimal answers - will probably be purged soon.

And that's a wrap.

War Journal, 7/2/07

Looks like things have picked up considerably...

The one match I had last week... didn't respond. I closed her. A few days later, she sent a final message asking me to reconsider. I reopened and fast-tracked her. She's accepted the fast-track, but hasn't written yet. I asked for a lot, though - for photos, and 2 of my usual phase 3 questions.

As for the new matches...

3 closed me due to distance (I would have closed one of them, except for the fact she was close to other matches that I was considering.)
I closed one due to distance (Living over 4 hours away)
I closed one due to never being out of graduate school in her life.
I closed two "flexible matches" due to age.

I opened communication with one, no response yet.
One profile included the phrase, "I think it's really hard to get to know someone on 'paper' - both me figuring out if you are right for me and vice versa. I'm generally pretty open to just getting on the phone or meeting - it's often the best way to find out if there is something there." I fast-tracked her, no response yet.

War Jounal, 6/25/07

Last week's match hasn't responded to my communication request... and will probably be purged this week.

One new match this week - lives 4 hours drive away. She'd have to seem pretty spectacular for me to consider it... and she didn't. Closed.

Geez, less than 1 match per week over the last month. That's not good...

War Journal, 6/18/07

Last week, I had no active matches.

This week, I didn't get any new ones.

Shortest War Journal entry ever.

War Journal, 6/11/07

When we left last week... there were no active matches.

I had one new match, who lived 3 hours away, and was a lifelong student. I closed this one.

Meanwhile... the woman who tried to engage me in a game of phone tag has sent a few emails. It's been a couple of weeks... I might reply (briefly) and see if she wants to pick up the phone.

And that's it. Slow week on eHarmony.

War Journal, 6/4/07

A frustrating week...

On dates, I'm used to women who are carrying baggage because of some lyin', cheatin' ex-boyfriend or husband. But this week's date... was having trouble with her lyin', cheatin' long-term current boyfriend. Needless to say, there's not going to be a second date.

After teasing the woman in open communication about her lack of photos for awhile, she angrily replied that she just moved into the area to take care of her dying father, had just started a new job which is causing a lot of stress... and that providing a photo was the least of her priorities. I did apologize, said that I understood, and welcomed her to call me when things are a little more settled.

There was only one new match this week. (I expected more from free communication weekend... but there you go.) Unfortunately, she lives 4 hours away, so I closed it.

One of my matches closed me, with the statement that she's not ready. Interestingly, it left me no option to send a final message. Is this how eHarmony now treats people who disobey the rules? I don't know.

... and none of the other "old" matches advanced communication. So, I closed 'em.

And that's this week in eHarmony.

War Journal - 5/28/07

It's been a busy week on eHarmony - let's get started.

My date for next week... is still on.

I had another 1st phone call with the other woman who lives in that city. A lot of positives, and negatives. On the positive side - we seemed to get along really well on the phone. On the negative side - because we meshed so well, she blurted out a lot of stuff that's making me a bit uncomfortable. (For example, that she was married for 12 years to someone who was gay.) And, unfortunately, she's going to be out of town during the weekend that I'm visiting. Next time I'm in town, I might give her a call... but I'm not interested in making a special trip to visit her. And we left it at that.

The third woman (from last week)? She's playing phone tag with me. Left me email messages about how busy she is, how her phone's broken, blah, blah, blah. Sorry - I don't play those games. She'll call when and if she's ready... and I'm forgetting about her.

So, I opened my account for new matches... and got quite a few.

One of them closed me, citing distance. Yeah, she lives 5 hours away by car. I would have done it, if she didn't.

One said she was 39. From her photo, she looks like she's going on 50. Maybe older. Shake head, sigh, close.

Two provided no photos, and had bare-minimum profiles. I closed them after 3 days, just to make sure that they weren't going to finish later.

Two haven't responded to my first questions yet. They're still open.

One answered my step 1 questions, but hasn't read my answers yet.

One is in open communication. And, in her first message, left me with a ton of questions that would take a long time to type answers to. Despite the fact that she couldn't bother to post a photo. I just responded with a quick message saying that I'm busy, but wanted to say, "Hi", and teased her for not leaving a photo. Let's see if she adjusts her attitude... and, if not, it's no loss.

And that's the week in review.