When your career "intimidates" your dates...

It's a "cycle of defeat" that hurts both men and women.

Men often come to eHarmony with high hopes. After all, they're accomplished doctors, lawyers, entrepreneurs... or whatnot. And they expect women to come flocking to them, because they've got a solid career.

That rarely works. And guys often think that they're intimidating women with their career choices.

In women? Surprisingly, you can often see the same thing, as this blogger notes.

So... is it possible that your high-powered career is scaring the crap out of your potential dates?

Well, it can happen. A lot of my dates, at first, will make not-so-joking comments about their fears about dating someone with my career. I'm sure that a few women did decide to run away rather than find out more about me.

But, really. If a someone is that scared of me, because of my accomplishments... what does that say about her?

To me - it says she's easily scared. Or that her self-esteem is really low.

In that case - I'm glad she's disqualified herself. And, in the time I saved myself in avoiding that date, I'm out finding five other (and much more worthy) women.

So, no. When it happens, I don't get upset.

But, often, men and women might say this to themselves when they're not doing well on eHarmony.

And they're often overlooking something important.

As I've commented before (and my female commentor agreed), career accomplishments are not enough to make yourself stand out from the crowd.

You need to show people what other things about you make you interesting.

You can't just stand on the laurels of your career accomplishments.

Give quality guys a REASON to talk!

Okay, if you're an attractive woman, you don't have to work very hard on the text of your eHarmony profile.

Quite frankly, if you're attractive, a lot of guys will turn to mush at the chance to communicate with you.

But, if you're attractive, you can probably find lots of guys who will do that. And you're probably turning to eHarmony in search of the quality guys.

So, how can you tell, early on, if a guy is really interested in more than your looks?

Sprinkle in a few interesting things in your profile. Things that a guy will want to ask more about, if he wants to get to know you better.

Why is this so important?

First of all... quality guys don't have trouble getting attractive women to talk to them. And to get their attention, you'll need more than pretty pictures. They want someone that they might connect with.

And if a guy is asking questions... that's a good sign of a quality guy. Because a lot of the love-struck lesser beings stop paying attention when they see your picture.

Ladies: Don't worry THAT much about your looks.

Since I've decided to provide a little bit of advice for women on this blog, I think I'll go into something that most women feel just a little too insecure about.

Yes, when guys talk about dating, they do talk about women's looks.

But, really? In my conversations with women, it seems like women talk to each other about their looks even more. And are much more brutal and critical in evaluating each other's appearances than most men would be.

So, let's clear your head.

Do you think you're overweight? Most women do. Including the ones that aren't.

Do you constantly pick at other flaws? Your clothes? Hair? Anything else?

Okay, maybe it's time to take the advice that I give to most guys: Get an honest, but flattering full-body picture of yourself, and put it up on Hot or Not. Yeah, I know, it seems weird. But, usually women do much better on this website than they think they'll do.

If you're an 8 or above - you'll probably have more male attention on eHarmony than you know what to do with. Relax, and decide which guys are worthy of your attention.

If you're a 7? You're perfectly normal. Just put up your pictures. There are going to be a lot of guys who like you. Maybe not as many as the 8+'s - but you're going to get quality guys talking to you. Not just a bunch of guys who are only thinking with their hormones.

If you're a 6? You probably just need better pictures. Follow the advice that I gave to the guys - have a lot of pictures taken. You'll probably get some in the 7's.

If you're a 5 or below... most of the time, the problems are fixable. I've always said that male looks depend more on style and grooming than anything else. This is true for women, too.

Find some of your attractive female friends. Ask for some suggestions. I bet you'll be surprised about how little you have to do to improve your appearance.

And, yes, if you really are overweight (Google "BMI calculator", and type in your height and weight), it is harder.

But, guess what? You'll still find guys who will find you attractive.

The best thing you can do about your looks? Be confident. Don't apologize.

Put them up. And be honest.

Because, let's face it. If a guy isn't attracted to you... you don't want to meet him anyway. Right?

Ladies - "Playing hard to get" can go too far.

Okay, folks. I do keep track of my audience, and, from the measures I've been taking... almost half of you are women now.

So, I think I should respond to that. (Don't worry, guys, these articles should be fun for you too.) I can't do what I do for the men - which is to describe my experiences, what works, and what doesn't work. But I can provide a guy's perspective, and point out a few mistakes that women make on eHarmony.

First of all, as I've mentioned before, most women can find a guy. However, women are coming to eHarmony to look for quality guys. The guys who are hard to find.

The bad news? Everyone else on eHarmony is also persuing the quality guys. And a lot of my readers date a lot of women.

Which comes to the tactic of "playing hard to get".

I won't insult your intelligence, ladies. Playing hard to get can, and often does, work.

But, in general, you're asking a guy to invest effort in perusing you.

The problem is... quality guys have a lot of women perusing them. And until you've proven that you're a quality woman, the quality guys may not expend the effort.

And, to guys who meet a lot of women? They know that people put their best foot forward. And they don't become infatuated with women that they haven't even met.

So, don't make things harder than they need to.

If you want to meet quality guys, pay attention to your account. Respond in reasonable lengths of time. Follow some of the advice that I give to guys - Be friendly, and give guys an intriguing sample of who you are.

But, playing hard to get with a guy that you haven't even met yet?

Sorry, ladies. Men who are starved for responses may sit through that game. But quality guys aren't going to put in the effort.

Now, after you've met, and he's showing interest... Game on, if you wish.