"I don't play games." Starting when?

There's another point to be made from yesterday's audio train wreck...

Did you find it interesting, how, on the second message, he kept saying that he won't hang around with women who play games with him?

He even accused her of having mental illness - for not returning his first phone call?

Uh... right.

That's an extreme example, but guys do make mistakes similar to this.

Think about it for a moment.

Imagine that you have no problems finding fun and interesting women to meet. They're plentiful in your world.

Would you go into 20 minute lectures telling women that you won't put up with her if she plays games with you?

Would you get upset if she didn't return a phone call? Or insult her? Or make threats to cut her off forever?

Of course not. You'd just move on.

So... when guys do these things, they demonstrate the exact opposite of what they're saying.

Me? I just follow my two strike rule.

And, when they hit two strikes? I don't threaten or blow up.

I just stop calling. And move on to meet women who are eager to talk.

Debunking the "Three Day Rule"

It's the age-old question. Thanks to our guided communication templates, you've quickly snagged her phone number.

Now - how fast should you call?

Guys have been overthinking this question for years. In a lot of guys' minds, calling "too soon" signals overexcitement and desperation. And, in the movie, "Swingers", the idea of the "three day rule" was popularized. (For those who've been sitting under a rock for the last decade - the "three day rule" is to call the woman three days after exchanging phone numbers.)

And, if you follow the seduction literature, there are a lot of gurus who advocate the same advice. Some even advocate waiting even longer, so you don't look like a "three day rule" guy.

So... how long should you wait before calling her?

Again, I'll let the seduction gurus speak for themselves on what works in the bars, and on other online personals sites. But, in my experience... the "Three day rule" just doesn't work on eHarmony.

Because, almost every time that I've tried to wait before making the phone call... things got weird.

Women got more nervous, and more flakey. Or, they tried to play "timing" games with me.

So, in my hands, anyway, the "Three day rule" (or for that matter, four or five day rules) just doesn't work.

So, when should you call?

Don't overthink it. Pick a convenient time. For me, early evenings have been reliable. Picking up the phone minutes (or 1-2 hours) after she leaves her email does seem soon, but I haven't actually experimented with that. However, I would try to call within 24 hours. 36 is pushing it.

Is your experience different? Leave a comment.

"You might make a decent friend..."

In my "fourth wall" article, a few days ago, a few people stopped and wondered... Why would I even say "And if the chemistry's not there, you seem like you might make a decent friend"?

Well, the line isn't original - I think that David DeAngelo was the first one to popularize it. (However, the "chemistry" part is, essentially, hijacked eHarmony dogma.) It's a "spice" - something that, if used correctly, can add a little bit of excitement to the chase.

It usually comes in soon after arranging the date, although it can be used at other times. But the reason that I mention that time is because, around the point where you're asking her to meet up, a woman might begin to feel like she's convinced you of her worth. That she can sit back, relax, and take you (or not) whenever she's ready. In extreme cases, you become an emotional tampon. (Although, this happens from a chain of errors - not from a failure to use any particular spice.)

This "spice", essentially, lets her know that she hasn't won you over yet. And lets her know that you still haven't made up your mind about her.

Of course, there are problems with this spice as well. If she sees you more as a friend than an object of desire, this can reinforce her belief. It amplifies attraction - it doesn't create it out of nothing. And, if a woman is very vulnerable, it could, theoretically, lead to a self-esteem meltdown.

But it's a usable tool that's worked well for me. It serves as a minor irritant that forces her to work harder for my interest.

Of course, if you're doing well (or better) without it... feel free to ditch it. It's only a spice, after all.

A spice for that first phone call...

Here's a stock line that I use during the first offline phone call.

This comes just before you mention meeting up.

"You seem pretty normal..."

The good thing about this line? It deflates a lot of tension. (How do I know? Women almost always have a relieved laugh after I say it.)

You're not making a meet-up look like a big deal. You're just a social guy. She doesn't seem like a freak. It's just a way of getting to know each other a little better.

Simple, but effective.

What are you looking for?

Another frequently-emailed question that I receive are variants of the same question:

"I'm looking for a serious relationship on eHarmony. When should I say this?"

"I'm not sure if I want a serious relationship, but the people who subscribe to eHarmony can be really serious. When should I let people know?"

I haven't really done much experimentation with how to reveal what I'm looking for in a relationship. I pretty much started with what I'm doing now, and never really looked for another way. But, I can talk about what I do.

The first question you should ask yourself is, "Why is this information important"?

If you approached a lot of women out of the blue, saying, "Hey, I want to have a wife and kids - how about you?", or "Hey, babe, I'm only interested in a physical relationship", most women will think you're a little strange.

It's like going to an auto dealership, with a salesman who insists that you buy a car right now at an "amazingly low price", even though you don't know anything about the car that you're buying.

If you're going to come to a discussion about "terms of payment", you have to be interested in the product first. Because, if you don't show interest, a discussion about the "deal" you're willing to make... it just seems strange.

So, no. I'm just answering Dr. Warren's profile questions in a manner that will generate interest. Except for my brief answer for the quality I'm most looking for (which isn't the willingness to settle down - that's common and easy to find), I don't talk about what I'm looking for at all.

It's up to her to show interest.

And, yes, if she asks me what I'm looking for in communication, I'll answer. There's no reason to hide that information. (And I'm happy that she's interested enough to ask.)

So, if she doesn't mention it, when do I?

I'll do it on the phone.

As I've mentioned, one of my favorite phone questions is, "So... what made you decide to start on eHarmony?"

Yes, it puts her on the defensive a little. She has to say why she's not a social reject who can only find guys online. She'll usually respond with what she's looking for, and how she sees eHarmony as helping that.

Reciprocate. At this point, passing each other's tests feels good. And you've at least introduced the subject to see if you're at least (generally) looking for the same things.

One final note? If you aren't looking for a serious relationship... there are a lot of women (who are) that assume that men are. And they can get angry when they hear that they've wasted communication time with a guy who isn't looking for a serious relationship.

If you care about this (and you may not), then I'd put what you're looking for in the profile.

High tension, low comfort: Online Buyer's Remorse.

In the Mystery Model (one of the classic models in the seduction community), high attraction and low comfort usually lead to "Buyer's remorse". The classic example? When you've made a bar approach, and she quickly cranks up the physical escalation.

To the beginner, things look great. Until he tries to call her the next day, and the woman refuses to return his phone calls.

The problem? Although she got swept up in the moment, the time alone made her realize that she didn't know that much about the guy. She starts to freak out - and decides it's best to stay away.

Can something like this happen online?

Yes. And very easily.

Email provides a very safe forum for a woman. She can develop a fantasy world, and develop fantasy images of what you're like. She can appear however she wants. She can be as fun, flirty, and saucy as she wants. And if the conversation stays in email, it's all going to be perfectly safe.

The trouble is, when you propose moving away from email, that artificial sense of safety disappears.

And she's very likely to be scared of what you'll expect when you meet outside of email. And, in the end, she's more likely to run away from you (in real life) than meet you.

So, what can you do to prevent this?

• If she's even slightly interested in you, move to the phone, and set the date. Don't try to seduce anyone online.
• Don't have extended email conversations. If you stay low-key, and stick to the elements that I suggested in my Open Communication templates, you should be able to get a phone number quickly.
• If she's running hot, don't escalate. Stay confident that she'll meet you on the date. Write her only enough to reassure her that you're not a jerk. Playfully let her know that you're not so sure about her... yet. It's safer to meet someone who's unsure about you, than someone who's going to maul you as soon as you meet.
• And if she's running hot... Skip the pre-date banter games. These build interest. But when you've got high interest/low comfort, this step will compound the problem.
  

Holiday shopping dilemma?

Getting a little too good at this?

And now, you have tons of women, always wanting more?

Here's a great present, so you can give yourself and them a little more peace for the holidays.

Always happy to be of help....

P.S. Kidding aside, I've known people who've mentioned this gift in their pre-date banter. And it's worked well, according to them.

P.S.S. Yeah, I'm slacking off today. Better article on Monday. Promise.

P.S.S.S. Yes, ladies. This is available too.

A "spice" for your pre-date banter

As I've said before, I'm not usually in favor of "scripted" behavior.

But there's a little thing that I've been inserting for fun into the pre-date banter. And it's working well.

You might want to try it.

If nothing else, it might entertain you.

---------------------------------

Find the three differences!

READ BEFORE CLICKING ON THE LINK: There are two identical pictures
that will appear on the screen. Almost 8000 people were tested to see
if they could find the 3 differences and only 19 got it. See how
observant you are and if you find all 3 differences, you are one of
the most elite people in the world! The instructions are in German
but they say "find the 3 differences". I only found 1 difference.

(Hint: I found it because I heard some VERY soft audio cues. Turn the
volume up and you'll hear them.)

http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf

Why "dirty talk" will reduce your chances of meeting.

There's one aspect of "Pre-date banter" that I've neglected to mention. And it's a common error.

The fact is, women online get TONS of guys hitting on them. Willing to say, or do, anything that might help them get into their pants.

Unfortunately, when men do this... they look desperate. They look like they're just looking for anyone who might be willing to fill that urge. And, frankly, it's not an attractive attitude.

That's why it's always been a core eHarmony Cracked principle - you need to show that you're not on the prowl. You're not making sexual advances to people you haven't even met. Because a woman has to demonstrate that she's worthy of that attention.

And, when you make that clear, women are much more comfortable meeting with you. They don't fear that they'll have to beat you away. And the fact that they have to work for your attention is a core principle for developing your attraction.

So, obviously, displaying overt sexual interest is not helpful in predate banter.

But, what if she starts to get saucy?

Best case scenario? She's interested. But if you get a woman too hot, too quickly, it's a scary thing for a woman. She doesn't want to face an awkward situation if she doesn't like you in real life. And hot email banter usually leads to flakiness when it comes to meeting. It's too much pressure, especially considering the fact that you haven't even met yet.

Worst case scenario? There are a lot of women who try to build their self-esteem by having men "want" them online. But, again, meeting these men in real life is extremely scary. So... they flake.

So, even if a woman initiates the sexual innuendo, it's still best not to advance it.

In fact, the best thing to do? Shut her down in a cocky and funny way.

Something like, "Hey, speedy. I don't blame you for wanting me... but I'm still not sure I like you that way, yet. Why don't we meet first, and go from there?"

After all, women are attracted to the men they have to work for.

Not the ones who try to get sex from women that they don't even know.

How to use eHarmony dogma... in YOUR favor!

As I've mentioned many times over, the key to avoiding the "friend zone" on eHarmony is to appear to be a desirable guy, who isn't quite sure about the woman you're meeting. Because, when that happens, a woman has to work a little bit in order to attract your attention. And she'll justify that work by telling herself... that you're a desirable guy.

The funny thing is... the eHarmony dogma can actually help you in this task.

Do you see how often eHarmony pushes their "chemistry" line?

They build expectations for chemistry in their television ads.

And they repeat it in their emails.

After the advertisements appealing to the possibility of chemistry... they take it away after you've paid money. Their first message includes the phrase:

We judge compatibility - You judge chemistry! In this partnership, we bring you singles that match you on the inside. Don't let matches where initial chemistry is not strong discourage you. When you find a special person with whom you sense chemistry and attraction you'll know you're set to get to know each other better.

And, if you didn't get the hint, another message follows:

What about Chemistry?

We are passionate about chemistry and believe it to be a big part of any brilliant relationship. As eHarmony founder Neil Clark Warren writes, "Building a great marriage is virtually impossible without the attraction and excitement that come with passionate love."

It is certainly one of the most mysterious of all human emotions and varies inexplicably from person to person in a way that makes it difficult to factor into the matching process. So...we DON'T match on it.

What we focus on is compatibility—matching you based on 29 key dimensions that are vital to long-term relationship success. So we screen for compatibility first and then you determine where there is mutual chemistry.

They held out the promise... and now, it's only a possibility. Tricky, ain't they?

And, then, when a match is reached, they hold out the possibility again.

The next step, Scott, is for you to begin communicating with ________. Explore your shared areas of compatibility, and have fun discovering if there's chemistry.

Guess what? The eHarmony marketing machine has built a lot of tension for you. The possibility of chemistry and happiness...

You'd be foolish not to use it.

It's a great topic to reinforce on the phone. I talk about my eHarmony experience. And about how eHarmony predicts who I'll "get along with", but how rare chemistry is.

And now, if you've done your job, and look like a desirable man... chemistry is her worry, not yours.

After all, you can accept her as "just a friend", right?

Wink, wink. Nudge nudge. I'll say no more.

How I beat the "no chemistry" problem

It seems like I've been beating up on the pick-up community a lot lately... but I've learned a lot from them. And I'm grateful - they've helped me solve a lot of the difficulties that I had in developing a relationship.

One of them? The chemistry problem.

Before I started to educate myself, my dates went pretty predictably. I'm pretty good at having conversations with people... but, after an evening of pleasant conversation, I wouldn't get a second date. The usual? "You're a really great guy... but I just can't see you as a boyfriend."

It was clear. I needed to make changes. And I made a lot of them.

I can't talk with authority here. There are people in the community who are much more experienced than me. But I can talk about some of the key things that made a difference for me.

Set expectations during the first phone call
Typically, during my first phone conversation with a woman, we talk a little bit about our eHarmony experience - it's something that we have in common from the start. One thing that I say is that I've met some great people through the service... but just didn't have chemistry with that many of them.

And there we go. I've set a subtle expectation. If she wants to stay with me... she's got to work to hold my baser instincts at attention, too. Otherwise... we're just friends.

Get comfortable with playful touching
This was another problem that I had - after all, when I returned to the dating scene, I hadn't physically flirted with another woman for over ten years.

I was uncomfortable. Awkward. Afraid she'd slap me away, and that I'd blow it completely.

Well... I was dead wrong with that last sentence.

Most women have had uncomfortable physical advances. And they've learned how to politely turn away. Unless you're doing something really boorish... you're probably going to be okay. Even if you're a little too aggressive.

But if she's starting to show subtle signs of interest, and you're not initiating physical contact... it's a fast track to the friend zone.

There are tons of guides on the internet about initiating touch. A google search on "kino escalation" (the pick-up artist's term for this) will probably turn up some good articles. Or, maybe some experienced pickup artists can leave a comment with an article they found helpful. Find them, read them, and learn.

Keep the suspense alive
A lot of guys end the date by relieving tension. Saying they had a good time. Asking for the next date, right then and there. Ending when you're kind of happy, but exhausted and running out of things to say.

You may be satisfying some short-term urges. But you're removing tension.

You want her to wonder if she's meeting your standards.

First of all, keep the first date a little short. You want her to wish it had been longer.

Next, when she gets home, you want her to be nervous about when and whether that phone will ring. Because, if you don't... she'll be spending her time worrying if a relationship would work out. And she'll start analyzing the date for "red flags". And no one passes that test.

If she asks if you're having a good time? Give a polite yes.

If she asks about the next date? Be vague. Say that you need to check your calendar, and that you'll call her. (That's girl talk for "I'm thinking about it.")

How soon should you call back? Experiment.

For me, personally? If a girl is interested, she'll usually call before I call her. Many pickup artists talk about waiting 3 or more days... but waiting that long hasn't worked well for me, personally. Two days has been the "sweet spot" for me.

So, for me, when I started to display that I was rating her on "chemistry", and left her in suspense about my judgment... I've found that women will try hard to please me. And they'll do it with physical play, once I started to get the ball rolling.

Pre-Date Banter: The Photo Game

Another pre-date game that's worked well for me is "The Picture Game".

This game works well with camera phones, but can work well with email and scanners/digital cameras/etc.

It really needs no particular introduction, or clear structured rules. Just start by sending a picture.

What picture do you send? Depends. If she said that she enjoys art (and you do too), send a picture of some art you own, and caption it.

If you both like travel... send an interesting picture from your last trip.

You get the idea.

And after you send the picture, tell her it's her turn to send you one.

If she doesn't... tease her.

And keep on bouncing the pictures back and forth.

Pre-Date Banter: The Question Game

Here's one of my favorite games for pre-date banter. It's original origin is from Mystery's Venusian Arts Handbook, but instead of providing comfort, it's modified to maintain intrigue for as long as possible... while looking like you're providing the potential for comfort building.

Here's how I usually open this game:

"Hey, it's going to be awhile before we actually can actually get together, and I know we've both got a million questions. We could write long, boring essays to each other... or we can do something that's fun.

It's called the question game. It's kind of like truth or dare, but, considering that I don't know how twisted you'll get... I think we'll stick with "truth" for now.

Here are the rules:

1. Whoever starts asks one question.

2. That question must be answered truthfully, in one sentence.

3. Once a person answers a question, that person can ask a new one.

4. No question can be repeated.

5. I ask the first question. Is that unfair? Sorry, I didn't write the rules. Oh wait... I did write the rules. Well, they're pretty good rules.

[If you're using text] Your first question will be texted to you soon... have fun!
[If you're using email] How many boyfriends have you had?

Of course, she's going to try to break the rules. Tease her when she does it, and make her obey them. (Reject answers that are more than one sentence, or repeated questions... etc.)

That one-sentence rule is your key - it's easy to be vague (and blame the rules) when you're limited to one sentence. Or, if she asks a question that isn't answerable in one sentence... say so, and let her ask another question.

Have fun with this one, guys...

Pre-Date Banter - Structuring the interaction

So, we know what we want to accomplish during pre-date banter. How do we structure the conversation so we stay on focus?

A couple of factors that will swing the tables in your favor...

Stick to text messaging. Or email, if that won't work.
Text messaging creates an illusion of intimacy. You've, technically, got instant access, and can surprise her when she's going about her day. Yet, it's not intrusive... and there's no pressure to answer messages quickly. And messages have to be short, because they're a pain to type in. And, when you keep messages short, it helps you maintain intrigue.

In second place (if text messaging is too expensive for the two of you) would be email. The major disadvantage of which is that it encourages longer messages. But it's still very usable.

Don't use the phone. It's too easy for a woman to plead for a change in the rules over the phone.

Make it a game
I'm a big fan of games during this period. Games have rules. Rules can be put in place that enforce the principles of pre-date banter. And you can tease her when she tries to break the rules. So... you're not forced into a place you don't want to be before the date.

So, if I like to use games in pre-date banter, what are my favorites?

I'll give you two of my favorites over the next couple of days.

The Pre-date Banter Commandments

Before beginning pre-date banter, it's important to reinforce some important rules.

Banter begins after the date is set.
When you start pre-date banter, you're (briefly) accepting a pen-pal relationship. If you do this before a date is arranged, women will become comfortable with the pen-pal relationship, and often won't want it to end.

But breaking a pre-arranged date is something most women will not do.

Display confidence, act like the person that you say you are.
This isn't an opportunity to "show off". It's an opportunity to demonstrate that you're the person that you claim to be. Be yourself, don't sell yourself. She's already buying.

Create more questions than you answer.
Give vague (but not avoidant) answers to questions, and throw in some new topics about yourself. Use this as an opportunity to hook her interest further.

Humor is OK, but don't overuse it.
If she feels like the whole thing is a joke, she'll be resentful. Or she'll think that you're not taking it seriously at all. And too much humor also makes you look like you're showing off... which is what you don't want to do.

You control the tempo.
Don't feel pressured to reply quickly in banter. Live your life, be a busy person. Reply when it's convenient.

At the end, she should feel mildly frustrated, but intrigued.
Frustration = she wants something, but it's just out of reach. Too far out of reach, and it's the sour grapes syndrome. But if it's just slightly out of reach, she'll try harder. And that's called "attraction".

Those are the principles... tomorrow, I'll talk more about the method.

About Pre-Date Banter

Sometimes, our busy lives can get in the way of meeting our eHarmony matches as soon as we'd like. I've often had to wait a couple of weeks before I could meet my matches in their hometown.

It's a tricky situation. On one hand, suspending communication for weeks (until you meet) makes a woman think you're not interested in her at all. The "sour grapes" syndrome hits... And it's highly likely that she'll flake on the date.

On the other hand, long talks where you build comfort, but don't share the physical contact that implies sexual interest is a fast-track to the "friend zone".

So, those don't work... what does?

I look at this period as an opportunity to build tension further.

It's a period where you can build the illusion that she'll get to know you better... but, you're only giving her more questions to ask, and providing few answers.

And it can drive the pre-date tension through the roof. In a good way.

I'll start sharing on Monday.

Phone troubles?

There are some problems that people encounter during that first phone call. I certainly can't go through all of the possibilities...

But, really, in the end, if any of these problems are common, it probably isn't a problem with your phone call technique. The problem is that you didn't create enough interest (by building intrigue in the profile, and by asking good questions), or that she's feeling uncomfortable (you've sent her the signal that she's already won you over, before you've even met).

So, if any "phone problems" are common... take a look at what happened before the phone call.

But, problems occasionally happen even when you run a tight game... here's how to handle them.

"She's not answering the phone" - Don't act wounded, and don't play into the game of chasing her. If she's not home when you make your first call, do what I do. Say, with confidence, playfulness, and no hurt feelings whatsoever, "Hi, it's ____, from eHarmony. Phone tag, you're it. Give me a call back at _______."

If she doesn't call back in a week - send one text message, along the lines of "How are you doing?" If she texts back, answer, "I'm waiting for my call..."

And if that doesn't work... move on. Like I said, people who can't make a phone call aren't that interested.

"We're having a scheduling problem" - This is a giant red flag. It means that, either, the woman is so overscheduled that she doesn't have time to get to know you, or that she's not interested enough to move some other things around in her schedule. Either problem indicates that you need to move on.

"She cancelled." - Unless they've got a great excuse, I don't reschedule. If you've got plenty of matches, and too little time, why on earth do you want to give anyone a second chance?

"She's dictating what to do." - If she's just asking if you have plans for after the date, I'd just reply, "Well... maybe. We'll see how this goes, first." And some reasonable objections should be addressed with sensitivity. (If she's a former alcoholic who doesn't want to join you for drinks, for instance.) But if she's starting to push for certain things to do, complaining she'd like to do do something more elaborate, whine about how far from her home she's willing to go, or whatever... you need to nip those problems in the bud quickly. Usually, a quick, "Hey, if you're asking me on a date, that's cool..." will stop objections quickly. If not... I'd accept her invitation.

That first phone call...

The tone most men take during their first eHarmony phone call is something along the lines of: "Wow. We've got so much in common. I really like you. Already. We have to meet."

Imagine yourself in the woman's place for a moment.

If you weren't so sure... how would you feel when a man started gushing these sentiments? It makes a woman uncomfortable.

So, stop for a minute, and think.

The fact is, this degree of certainty before even meeting a woman is unhealthy.

Yes, according to a personality profile, you have some compatible character traits. But if someone is self-deluded... that profile is going to be inaccurate.

Yes, her profile mentions some interests which you share. If she's telling the truth.

Yes, her picture looks good. If that's really her.

So... the average guy's approach not only scares women away, it's also unhealthy.

So, what should you do during that first phone call?

Clearly, if you're going to truly evaluate whether an eHarmony match is right for you... you have to meet her. The phone call should exist to build some tension, and arrange a meeting.

To build tension... you need to ask good questions. Don't be confrontational, but ask questions that express curiosity and a hint of unsureness and unease.

And to build tension, you need to keep that phone call short. 15 minutes is the goal. You want her to leave that phone call feeling like it was too short. That way, she'll show up on the date, curious to know more.

Toward the end of the phone call, offer to meet (don't call it a date), as if to say that it's the only way to get to know each other. And lay out some of your plans.

It's really that simple.