From the labs: Creating Jealousy with a Hold?

Here's an experiment, straight from the labs...

Of course, you know that eHarmony is pretty rigid about guided communication - unless they agree to a fast track (for which, my lab results have already been reported), your options with an unresponsive match are nudge, close, or let 'em sit.

In my experience, the nudge is only a little better than letting them sit.

But, recently, I've tried one alternative.

Create a sense of competition.

If they don't respond within three days of viewing my profile - put 'em on hold, letting them know that you're persuing other matches right now, but might return later.

Let them sit for a couple of weekends, reopen and nudge (so you get back on the top of their list).

The good news? None of them closed me for doing this. Most of them took a second look at my profile, after I put them on hold.

The bad news? None opened communication after I reopened them.

So, I'm filing this one under "failed experiments".

And that's one more experiment that you don't have to try.

When you're NOT a hottie...

Yes, I know. There are a lot of readers who have little sympathy for the problems that I've shared yesterday.

Their looks are not 8's. Or even 6's.

I know how difficult that can be. During my early days on eHarmony, I used pictures that (later) were tested on Hot or Not as 5's and below.

Yes, it was a pretty dismal start. And, yes, most matches would close me because of "Other", or "Because the chemistry isn't there."

The best way to fix this problem? Do a style makeover. Male attractiveness depends much more upon style, grooming, and hygiene than anything else. My appearance improved tremendously when I started to take better care of myself, and tried taking a few risks with my personal style.

But, for some guys, it may not be possible. I imagine that some guys have been disfigured by a shotgun blast to the face. Or they've been involved in a train wreck, and they've needed 18 surgeries to be able to drink from a straw again.

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit. But, perhaps, for some readers, improving your looks to a 6 or 7 (a 7 will give you better results, in my experience) may not be possible.

I can't say that I've had personal experience in turning results around when I rated less than a 6. However, after listening to other forums and our own Google group, there have been a few strategies suggested to mitigate the problem.

The first strategy? Put the pictures up anyway. Accept the rejections. A lot of women are closed-minded to meeting people they don't consider good-looking. Let 'em close. At least you'll be spending your energy on the people who will want to meet with you.

Another strategy that's emerged... is the opposite.

Have pictures available. But don't show them until they ask for 'em in open communication.

If they give you a picture nudge? That's fine. People following this strategy ignore picture nudges.

In a way, this strategy makes sense. Some women will reject a guy who isn't providing photos... but these were unlikely to be accepting the photos that he'd be able to provide, anyway. And when a woman has put some effort into maintaining communication with a guy, she's less likely to reject him quickly.

Which strategy do you prefer? It depends on your beliefs, and the efforts that you're willing to make.

But, unfortunately, even online, looks do make a difference.

I wish that wasn't true. But, my experience says otherwise.

When YOU'RE the hottie...

It's been an interesting trip since I've been back on eHarmony.

Faithful readers of my blog have noticed the advice that I give other people in improving their pictures and style. And, yes, I practice what I preach. Even when I'm not on eHarmony.

So, when I returned to the service a month ago, I noticed something different about how women were responding to my usual challenging playfulness.

They just weren't taking it as well as they used to. And I was getting quite a few closures.

"Okay...", I asked myself, "what changed?"

The advertising pitch didn't change.

My profile didn't change.

The things I did to tease 'em didn't change.

My pictures were the only things that changed.

Well, I ran my pictures on Hot or Not. I thought that they were better than the ones I used before, and my friends agreed. But, I wanted to see if that difference was measurable.

It was. Apparently, I'm now an 8+. Before, I struggled to get in the low 7's.

Since that's the only thing that changed... I'm thinking that must be it.

I guess there's a big difference between an OK looking guy teasing a woman... and a good looking guy doing the teasing. It's easier to take it the wrong way when the guy is good-looking, I suppose.

So, yes, I've been recalibrating. Showing just a little more interest. Fluffing them up just a little bit more than I used to.

I'll keep you guys posted on the results.

But, for those guys lucky enough to be in the 8+ range... be careful with the teasing. Women can be fragile, especially when the teasing comes from a hot guy.

Bitten Chick adds:

I love a man who is playful, charming and coy -- and those are some of my favorite personal traits as well. But witty banter can be tricky with someone whom you've just met, especially in the arena of an online dating website where fragile egos and self-confidence issues abound. If you'll forgive the metaphor, think of your matches as unique and mysterious flowers. Some can stand up to a mighty wind and then intoxicate you (poppies, anyone?) and some get their petals knocked askew at the slightest breeze. Women love a strong, confident man so I wouldn't recommend handling everyone with kid gloves, but gaging the situation before you strike with your witty words is a good starting point.

That's where what Scott said really comes into play, because teasing definitely has different connotations depending on who's behind it. If an Average Joe and a Sexy Sam delivered the same line of banter, it's very likely that Joe may be considered humorous and charming, and Sam may be viewed as being condescending or cocky. There's a certain level of assuredness and confidence that comes from feeling attractive, and likewise, feeling less attractive than someone whom you're interacting with can make you feel awkward and shy. I asked a friend the other day who his celebrity crushes were and he blurted out: "Lucy Lawless from Zena, Warrior Princess!" Then I asked if he would ever talk to her if he saw her somewhere, and he said that it would be much too intimidating to approach someone whom he found so attractive. In the world of online dating, our computers offer us that welcome divide where it's easier to be bold and playful. But the object is to transition that digital wordplay into real life.

So remember that old adage about catching more flies with honey than vinegar. In the best dating recipes, honey makes things sweet at first, and then vinegar gives things a spicy kick. Just like getting the best pictures for your profile takes effort and finesse, so do those first interactions. Being a hottie doesn't mean that you should "burn" your "matches", so be careful when you play with fire! ;-)

From the Labs: Managing "Who's Viewed Me"

Over the last few days, eHarmony has introduced a new wrinkle into the system - the "Who's Viewed Me" list. If you haven't found it yet, it's on your eHarmony home page.

This list can cause a few changes in the ways you should manage your matches. So, let's start by looking at how it works.

Basically, left at default, whenever someone views a profile, they will appear on the "Who's Viewed Me" list of the person that they viewed. This list will also tell the person how long ago that view was, to within a day. It also seems that this list only goes back two weeks - after that, they'll no longer appear.

There is one wrinkle to this system, however. Buried in the user settings, you have an option to appear anonymously on the "Who's viewed me" list. If someone chooses this setting, it will say that the person who viewed the profile was anonymous - but it will still say that someone viewed it.

How not to look like a creep
Obviously, I haven't had enough time to explore people's perceptions of this list. However, I imagine that it can make a lot of guys look creepy.

First of all, if you've requested communication a few days ago, but a woman sees that you looked at her profile that day (or, even worse, has seen you viewing her profile several times)... it makes you look kind of creepy.

So, frequent profile-viewers might be saying, "So, I should make myself anonymous, right?"

Unfortunately, if you leave it on the "anonymous" setting, she won't see your name on the "Who's viewed me" list when you initiate or advance communication. And if you need to make the effort to turn the anonymity setting on... that kinda looks creepy, too, in my opinion.

Yes, I suppose you could circumvent the system. You could save screen shots. Or you could turn anonymity off when you communicate, and turn it on when you don't. But, frankly, that's a lot of effort. And you have to ask yourself, "Why do I really need to do this?"

My advice? Leave anonymity off. And only view matches when you're initiating, advancing, or closing communication.

It's better for your mental hygiene, anyway.

About those Greasemonkey scripts...
Awhile ago, I pointed members to some scripts that simplify match management. Unfortunately, they do automatically refresh data by invisibly opening profiles, in order to collect data from them.

So, yes, if you're running the "My Matches" script, every woman on your list will get the (false) idea that you're reading their profile every time you run it.

So, until the authors make some changes, I'd hold off on using them.

So, she's viewed me. What does that mean?
Not that much. It means that she's looking.

It doesn't say whether or not she's a paying member who is capable of communication.

... She hasn't viewed me. What does that mean?
You don't really know. It's possible that she's an ex-member that hasn't turned her matching off. Or, she could be on vacation. Or sick. Or, she's a very attractive woman who can't keep up with the flood of communication requests coming her way.

... So, what's the point of this?
Beats me. The most helpful information that eHarmony could give us would be telling us whether or not she's a paid member, and how many days ago her last login was. They're not giving that.

But, it is data. How do you make sense of it? I'll leave that up to you.

BittenChick says:

So Dr. Warren and Co. have finally jumped on the bandwagon and implemented one of the most obsessively-popular (and frustrating) features that many dating sites share: The "Who's Viewed Me" List! Long a source of entertainment and paranoia on sites like Match.com -- ask me how I know! -- this new system will definitely affect the way that members use eHarmony from now on.

How so? Your smart and savvy dream woman (especially if you rate her looks at an 8 or above) is already familiar with the "who's checking out who" game, even if she's new to online dating. Most gals have been in a social situation where a friend says: "Don't look now, but that guy over there is totally checking you out!" The confident woman might give this looker a coy glance in return, but she won't run over excitedly and introduce herself. She'll be patient and wait for him to make the move. These "Who's Viewed Me" lists work in similar ways.

On one hand, eH's implementation of this feature is a triumph, because it brings members one step closer to being able to weed out the dreaded "dead profiles". But it can be a double-edged sword as well. Consider these scenarios:

She's viewed your profile, but hasn't initiated communication. This may mean one of three things:

- She's not interested. (Hey, gotta be honest!) But if she's checked you out and hasn't closed the match or put you on hold, game on! Instead, she might be:

- Not (yet) a paid member. Don't count these girls out, because your profile just might be the one that tips the balance. One of the first guys I met from eH told me that he converted to a paid account just so he could get in touch with me. Whether this was flattery or the truth, a scenario like this is certainly possible! Yet another reason to put extra effort into making your profile intriguing, versus relying on attractive pictures. But there's also a third possibility:

- She's waiting for you to make the first move. Call it antiquated, but I've just read two recent interviews and a recently-released book about dating strategies, and in each case women were still being advised that they should not be the initiators. And we have long been conditioned on this maneuver, just with different phrasing: "Men are hunters ... Let him come to you ... Play hard to get ..." An assertive woman may be refreshing, but she's not the norm. So go out and get her!

But what if she hasn't viewed your profile, even after several days? Scott's suggestions are all valid -- she could be busy, on vacation, forgot to turn off matching, or it could certainly be a dead account. But once women become used to the "Who's Viewed Me" list, their obvious inattention to your profile could be a bold way of forcing your hand at making a move. I say bold because it could easily backfire; a guy might assume that if a match hasn't checked him out within a week, she's just not going to, and "click" goes the Close button. But it's also subtly effective at making you wonder why she hasn't looked at your profile. Is she already taken? Too busy with other dates? Or as Scott said, receiving so many communication requests that she can't keep up with the demand? It could be any of those things ... Or maybe that's just what she wants you to think! We all know how it feels to desire something that (we perceive) we can't have -- it only makes us want it even more. It would take an extremely patient and in-the-know woman to use this maneuver ... But as Scott mentioned, a large number of this blog's readers are women, so don't think that we're not onto you guys! "Trix are for kids", but savvy women have some tricks and techniques of their own. And who doesn't love a good challenge?

Scott replies:
Interesting ideas... but I seriously wonder whether some of them would work that well. Definitely something to talk about on the Google Group...

From the Labs: Chemistry and Twinship

In the last two columns, we talked about my (rather budding) theory that chemistry often occurs when people provide combinations of being idealizable, and provide mirroring experiences. These are powerful social needs for many people. And people feel good when they're provided - in balance.

There's another social need that Kohut described. He called this "twinship".

Twinship is the experience of being with someone who understands what you're experiencing, and who shares your experience with you.

And, yes, many pickup artist techniques also serve to simulate a twinship experience. Mental magic tricks. Reading body language. Picking up IOI's, and knowing when to reciprocate. NLP mirroring techniques.

But, again, you shouldn't restrict providing twinship to just these techniques. Go ahead. Say things that are just "on the tip of her tongue". When it's appropriate, don't be afraid to say that you're sharing the feelings and emotions that you think she has.

But don't get carried away. You don't want to SAY you understand or share things that you don't. You also deserve to find someone who shares your experiences. Don't cheat yourself in the process of trying to get a "successful seduction". As I will always repeat - the goal of this is your mutual happiness with someone, not certainty of an outcome with a specific person.

But twinship, combined with idealization and mirroring, can stir powerful emotions.

For both of you.

And those emotions? I call 'em chemistry.

At least, until someone finds a better theory.

From the Labs: Mirror, Mirror - a key to chemistry?

Yesterday, we talked about one potential component of chemistry - being idealizable.

But, that's not enough. There are a lot of people who hold up, and stand by standards. But holding up a standard, alone, makes a person look inflexible and immature. And there are other social needs to be met.

Another social need that Kohut described was that of "Mirroring". And it balances the aspects of idealization that may make someone look harsh and impossible to please.

Basically, you can't be harsh all the time.

You have to be observant. Notice what's special about her. And let her know that you appreciate it.

You can't just gush about the obvious. That's placating, and women can smell that from a mile away.

You have to notice things that aren't obvious or common.

And, yes, the pickup artist community has many techniques that simulate the mirroring process. Cold reads. Pet names. Escalating after she qualifies for you. They can be fun, but you're losing out if you don't take opportunities to mirror outside of these structured interactions as well.

Of course, you can take this too far as well. This shouldn't be an act. If you don't like something, don't pretend that you do, just to mirror. And, if you're having trouble mirroring... well, why are you hanging around anyway?

And, yes, if all you do is mirror, you look like a needy suck-up. You need the other aspects as well.

But, when you're successful, she'll appreciate your observations. Maybe bask a little. Or do them more. Or reciprocate with compliments of her own.

They're signs that the mirroring is taking hold. And the chemistry, at least from this aspect, is starting.

And, yes. There's one more potential aspect of chemistry... and it's coming next.

From the labs: What makes someone special?

So, you're having a decent time on the date. There aren't any signs that she's violating your "must haves/can't stands", and she's not indicating that you're tripping any of hers. Thanks to eHarmony, you're finding that you're getting along okay.

Logically, everything should be okay. Where's the sense of attraction?

Well, as pickup artists, and even eHarmony has noticed, chemistry is not usually a result of these things. As famous pick-up artist David DeAngelo points out so succinctly: "Attraction is not a choice."

But, pickup artists have noticed some things that help the process. And, yes, they've proposed psychological theories as to why they work.

But, as an incorrigible psychology geek, and therapy patient who's recognized these forces at play in his own life, I began to notice some different patterns. That the same psychological needs that played out in my therapy were ones that were also being "tweaked" by the pickup artist community. (Which is not to say that it's manipulative. I think that these same processes are unavoidable in "natural" interactions as well. Education just makes us more conscious of them.)

These psychological needs seem to be very basic. I'm sure there are more of them. And I'm sure that I, as well as other people in the community, will continue to refine this model.

The first need is what the analyst Heinz Kohut put forth as "Idealization".

Basically, it's the social need to have someone in your life to look up to. A powerful father-figure, if you will.

Pickup artists "tweak" this need with a lot of things. Social proofs. DHVs. Qualifiers and disqualifiers. Negs. Management of shit-tests. The "cocky" part of being "cocky and funny".

Essentially, tricks to demonstrate social status and dominance.

But there are other things that women idealize as well. And every woman is different in the qualities that they idealize.

When do you know that a woman's starting to idealize you?

She'll be giving you genuine compliments.

Accept them. Tell her that you appreciate her noticing. And let her stare doey-eyed at you for awhile.

But it's important to notice what a woman idealizes about you. And see if you really want to carry the qualities that she idealizes.

But, yes, almost all women want a man that they can idealize, to some degree. And, in my opinion, building this is often a crucial component to building chemistry.

Is that enough to build chemistry?

No. Idealization alone puts you in another category. People who are only idealizable tend to be seen as domineering, intolerant, bullying jerks. Very few women want to be around someone who is so rigid.

It's important to be idealizable, but other forces need to be present as well.

We'll talk about another basic need tomorrow.

Attachment Phase 0: Do We Enjoy Each Other's Company?

(Note: This model is in development, and carries "Fresh from the lab" status. Further refinements are likely.)

Okay, so you realize, now, that people usually don't instantly go from, "I don't know you" to "I want to be in a relationship with you".

And, yes, pushing a relationship too early can cause bad things to happen. It makes you look like you want a relationship with anyone, and that she should just give that to you without knowing you. And it makes her feel uncomfortable.

So, where does a relationship start? And how does it progress?

I haven't found any good models so far. So, in my experience (which may not be so great - after all, I'm not in a happy marriage), I'll try to build one. And, as time goes on, I'm sure it will be fine-tuned, by myself and the eHarmony Cracked community.

Let's start in the beginning. She's at least interested enough to agree to meet you on a date.

What happens in the very beginning, as far as attachment is concerned?

You don't know each other yet. There's almost no attachment, and no real reason to see attachment occurring yet.

In fact, you don't even know whether you'll enjoy each other's company. So, the first step on the journey is to figure that piece out.

Basically - can you have an enjoyable date with her?

Do you have enough in common to have a good time doing something together?

Is she so uptight (or unattracted) that she can't even flirt with you?

Basically, this would be the "starting point" for all of the seduction models. Tons have been written about how to get someone to like you. And I can't repeat all the methods that the seduction gurus expound.

Find what's right for you.

And have fun. Because, if you can't... she's not passing your test.

From the Labs: "Hold" may not be so bad...

As I've mentioned, there has been a significant shift in how people use eHarmony.

In part, I think that this is due to eHarmony's subtle changes in their marketing strategy. They're making matches a little more casual, and placing less emphasis on marriage. And, as I've mentioned before, hostile questioning (and it's effectiveness) have diminished.

And, recently, I've discovered what may be another effect of this more relaxed atmosphere.

In the past, when I placed a match on hold, they would almost always respond by closing the match.

But, since going exclusive with one of my matches, I stopped asking for new matches, and placed everyone on my list "On hold", saying that I was pursuing another match, but might be interested in talking more in the future.

A couple weeks passed, and I wanted to show a friend the pictures of this woman...

And, amazingly enough, not a single one of the women that I placed on hold went on to close the match.

Don't know how useful this information is... but it is new.

Let me know about your experience.

From the Labs: "So, do you do this on all your dates?"

As I've mentioned before, when you're at a point where transitioning to the "make out session" on the first eHarmony date is common... Women will start shit-testing you.

The predictable question I get? "So, do you do this on all your eHarmony dates?"

My typical answer? Usually something along the lines of "Only when the chemistry's there." That usually worked fine.

This weekend, I tried something different. And it worked even better.

And, I'm surprised I didn't think of it before. It's an elegantly simple solution...

Ask her the question first.

Try it out. Let me know how it works for you.

From the labs: The slow months of eHarmony

Here's some wisdom that I've gleaned from our Google Group...

Turns out that many members have noticed seasonal changes in their eHarmony activity. Many members agree that certain months seem to be unusually slow.

Those months?

Well, one is coming up soon. People get busy during the holidays. And, when you have a brand-spanking-new boyfriend or girlfriend, negotiating holiday commitments can be a very tricky thing. Not to mention the whole "what should I give for a gift NOW?" thing. So... Mid-november through early January are reported to be "slow months" on eHarmony.

Good news? January is reported to be one of the busiest months.

According to consensus, however, traffic quickly drops off in April, through the summer. I guess people are busy having fun (and meeting people) outside in the sunshine.

Your mileage may vary, of course. I don't know if there's going to be a summer "lull" in Florida. And, for religious reasons, the winter holidays are less significant for the people that I meet.

But, it's still something to consider before you renew that subscription.

From the Labs: Past lab entries, revisited.

Experimentation is an ongoing thing. And, in my "from the labs" entries, I report on promising, but unverified techniques to give people an edge on eHarmony.

Some of those techniques become a part of our community lore.

Others... just don't withstand the test of time.

And I think it's time to revisit some of these lab entries.

Will editing your profile provide more matches?
In my blog's earliest days, one reader observed that, after editing his profile (in minor ways), and requesting matches... he'd get more.

Unfortunately, I think he just got lucky. Repeated requests will often result in recieving more matches. But neither I (nor anyone else) has been able to verify that editing your profile will provide you with more matches.

I count this finding "dead".

What about the eHarmony Blog script?
The eHarmony blog script is an automated script designed to request new matches every 10 minutes. Presumably, by making repeated requests, you'll get more matches.

In the beginning, this seemed to work. Soon after running it, people usually got more matches.

The long-term effects, however, have been called into question in our google group.

Based on my experience in alternating use of the script, it does not seem to actually generate new matches. However, when a match is made, it will appear on your list sooner, rather than later.

It still provides some time advantage, and that can be helpful. It's better to be eighth guy that a woman is being introduced to, rather than the twenty-eighth. But I've been unable to prove that it produces more matches than you'd get if you logged in three times daily and requested matches.

On the Thursday Night Purge
At one time, I noticed that I, predictably, got new matches on Fridays, and very few from Monday-Thursday.

Unfortunately, it seems like I'm the only person who noticed this.

And, in the last few months... that pattern has seemed to stop.

This technique is dead, Jim.

... More updates as they happen, folks! Enjoy your weekend!

From the Labs: A "fast track" project update.

My fast-track experiment will need to go on a break for a little while.

Why? Well, I've made some major changes in my look. I shaved what was left of my hair, and grew a goatee. I think it's a great change (and a lot of people agree, including the 9 that I consult with on these things), but it's going to create a different set of eHarmony results. So, I need to go back and see what my guided communication statistics look like after making these changes.

How does the data look right now?

Well, again, I've had no matches who've ever stated that they prefer fast-track communication.

When I went with guided communication, 22 percent went to open communication. (Keep in mind, there are a lot of people who don't open for valid reasons - dead profiles, profiles who were out of my age range, profiles who lived too far away for me to consider, etc.)

In fast-track communication, that percentage dropped to 11 percent.

Unfortunately, I haven't gathered enough data to say whether that's a real difference - but the trend is pretty clear.

So, what are my interim recommendations?

Fast-track isn't totally unusable. Some women will respond. But you will probably have fewer responses. It is a faster way to get a woman through the system.

Furthermore, I can imagine that some readers may like to use fast-track as a screen. Some men might prefer the personality of a woman who would be responsive to a fast-track request. So, this might be a decent "screening device" for some.

The bottom line? If the fast-track appeals to you, go ahead and use it. It isn't the "kiss of death" that it used to be. But you need to know that you will probably have fewer women responding to your communication requests.

From the Labs: Progress report on the "Fast-Track" project.

Well, the fast-track experiments are continuing.

So far, it's impossible to draw conclusions about whether fast-track is superior to guided communication. I've only had about 20 matches since I started the experiments (my match rate is slow, due to my religious preferences), and I've only went to open communication with one less person than I'd have expected from guided communication. So, I've got nothing to draw conclusions about... yet.

But, yes, I can continue to say that some people are responding.

If you try this, I can give you a few notes on what to expect:

• So far, I haven't had a single match that said she'd prefer fast-track communication. That doesn't mean that they won't accept the fast-track. To me, it only suggests that they don't want fast-track requests from a million lovesick lamers.
• Yes, one of those contacts did result in a date. Unfortunately, she had just finished moving out of her ex-boyfriend's house... and the chemistry was conflicted. And I think she got hurt by my "let's be friends" offer. (And, yes, if it isn't obvious... she indicates a "guided communication" preference.)
  
• I get more closes due to "other".
• The usual response to the fast-track request is to ignore it. Only one woman declined the fast-track, and shuttled me to guided communication. (And then stopped responding.) If you don't show your picture, you can expect a picture request.
  

From the labs: Ask about what's missing!

So, you've met a woman on eHarmony... but you're hitting the wall in coming up with interesting Step 3 questions to ask.

Sometimes, a woman can seem intriguing, but put up very little material.

And, once again, you can turn that weakness into your asset.

Think about the things that you WANT to know about her... the things that make her feel good, but, for whatever reason, she hasn't talked about so far.

If someone puts up an "I'm so serious about social causes" profile... ask about her indulgences.

If all they talk about is their child... ask what they like to do when they get away.

Sometimes, women need a gentle nudge to remind them about these aspects of their personality. By asking these questions, you're showing attention, interest, and selectivity. And you're implying that you're also affiliated with their "fun" side. And women feel good when they answer questions like these.

And if they can't answer the question... do you really want to meet such a one-dimensional woman?

QuirkyGirl Says:
Whenever I get stock questions from one of my matches, I think he is either unimaginative, lazy, or just not interested enough to come up with more meaningful questions that make me feel like he's making an effort to get to know me. Find something in your match's profile that you can ask her a follow-up question about to show her you're paying attention and not just going through the motions. Here are a couple of my favorites:

It sounds like you not only do many things, but you do them all well. What's your secret for balancing professional life, personal achievement, and having fun? (My thoughts: Wow, he thinks I'm talented and wants to know more.)

Why did you choose to go into ________? Is it something you always wanted to do? (My thoughts: He understands my career is important to me and wants to understand why I choose to do what I do.)

What makes you smile like a little girl on Christmas morning, feel really loved, curls your toes? (My thoughts: He's interested in understanding what makes me feel completely satisfied in a relationship.)

From the lab: Ask them to expand their interests!

Although questions about relationship (and relationship potential) aren't gathering the enthusiastic responses that they used to, we still want ask questions during phase three that accomplish the goals we've already set:

1. To display that you're paying attention. You're not just hitting on every woman who enters phase three. You're much more selective than that.
2. To get them to talk about things that make them feel good.

Well, by the time you've hit phase three of guided communication, you should have some ideas about the subjects that make them feel good. They've usually at least tried to bring up some passions. They've given you a list of things they can't live without. And you have a list of must haves.

So... call them on it. Ask for more detail. If they say that they're passionate about "putting a smile on people's faces", ask them to tell you a story about how they did that during the week. If they put "Must have a partner who is engaged in the community", ask them about what they do.

You're showing interest, attention, and selectivity. And, unless she isn't passionate about the things she's talking about... she should enjoy answering the question.

And if she's not... do you really want to hang with her?

Another "trick" tomorrow...

From the labs: The "Stage 3" connection

As I've noted before, things are changing on eHarmony. The advertising "push" lately has been more on "easy compatability and chemistry", with less emphasis on marriage.

And, although I've mentioned that I still think they're overselling... it is an improvement. But technique does have to change in light of the changing nature of eHarmony's memebers.

For example, a year ago, my phase three questions focused upon relationships - asking women to be specific about who they were looking for, how they felt when they were with someone "right", and what they had to offer.

And, a year ago, these topics were dead-on. Because people subscribed to eHarmony in order to fulfill these promises.

Today - that just ain't so. While people responded eagerly and enthusiastically to these questions before... now, they think it's too picky. Or putting the cart before the horse.

So... that reliable saw isn't working any more. So, what are some better ways to engage your target?

It takes a lot more personalization... but it's possible. And I'll go through some new techniques that are showing some promise over the next few days.

From the labs: Fast-track communication template

Okay, folks, for those of you who are braving the fast-track road... this is the message template series that's working best for me so far.

This is a three-letter sequence. Casual phrasing and social behavior are very important. Even more important than in letters written after a guided communication sequence.

Letter #1:
Begin with a salutation, thank her for agreeing to the fast track, saying that you feel this is a friendlier way to get to know each other. Close this paragraph with a light observe and challenge statement.

Open a new paragraph, ask one quick and easy question about something in the profile that intrigued you.

Letter's done. This should be very short.

Letter #2:
Give a salutation. Observe something she said or did in the last letter, and give her a funny, but minimal compliment. ("Glad to see you're not the type of girl who would [do something really silly]" would be a good one.)

Open a new paragraph, give one or two sentences that continue the conversational flow from her letter. Don't answer a lot of questions, try to leave open conversational hooks.

Next (your call as to whether this merits a new paragraph or not), ask a few questions that relate to the conversational flow. Three questions should be a pretty good number. These can be a little more "in-depth" than the one you asked in letter #1, but should still be friendly and conversational.

Close by mentioning some things you're doing in the next week that will be keeping you busy, tell her you're looking forward to talking some more.

Letter #3:
Ask for the number with letter #2 from my open communication template.

And there you go. Easy-breezy.

Maryann says:

Guys,

I have decided not to initiate Fast Track any more. Maybe it is a gender thing, but it seemed to backfire when I tried it. But, I must say, nobody has tried this template with me, and it looks great!

The eH guided communication gets really burdensome after a while. A guy with skills who tried this tack would look fresh and refreshing to me. Good luck! Please report your results if you try it!

From the Labs: A new "No response" letter

Well, it finally happened to me. I sent out a first "open communication" letter, a week flew by, and the woman didn't respond.

The pick-up artist community has devised a lot of "no response" letters for these occasions. Most of them use humor, in an attempt to show that they are unaffected by the lack of response.

I've used these types of letters on JDate before. They do work. But I wanted to try something different.

In my mind, a woman who's gone through guided communication has already invested some time in meeting you. If she isn't responding... it's because she's busy, or she's lost interest. And, if she's lost interest, one witty line isn't going to bring it back. In fact, the attempt might be seen as pushing her too hard.

What would be a normal, social, non-pushy way to handle someone who didn't respond to a letter?

I asked myself, "What do I do when I call a friend, leave a message, and he doesn't call back?" I don't write cocky and funny jokes to goad his response. I assume he's busy, go about my life, and call him later.

So, that's exactly what I did with her. A few days later, I left a message, describing (in two short lines) what I did over the weekend... and asked her what she's been up to.

No pressure necessary. She's interested in talking further... or she's not. An attempt to goad her into response just seems silly.

And, yes, it "worked", in the sense that I got a response. But, in the end, the chemistry had been "off" from the beginning (this was the woman who spent her first round questions asking about my views of romance), and it didn't get better with her message. I closed the match.

But, if the reason that she didn't respond was legitimate... I'd have felt a lot better with my response than if I tried to goad her with a "cocky and funny" line.

After all, how awkward would I feel if she responded, "No, I'm not a brat who's playing hard to get. I didn't respond because my father died in an auto accident"?

Maryann says:
I agree with your approach to non-responsiveness. Defensiveness seems to be a real problem with eH. Since it takes so many steps to get to open communication, including must haves/ can’t stands, there is a lot of negativity and skepticism between first reading a profile/viewing a pic and actually carrying on a conversation. Giving matches the benefit of the doubt demonstrates advanced relationship skills and self-confidence.

From the Labs: The Thursday Night Purge

Before giving this tip, I do have to qualify it quite a bit. I am using religious preferences that eliminate 98% of the match pool. So, a lot of my matches are long-distance. And I'd imagine that a lot of candidates also aren't willing to do the long-distance thing. So... I don't get that many matches. And I do run the eHarmony Blog script. (And didn't notice this pattern until I started running it.)

Now, having said that, I've noticed an unusual distribution scheme.

Almost all of my new matches come on Fridays. A few more come on the weekend. It's rare that I get a new match on a weekday.

It's an interesting pattern. And I'm exploiting it. And, actually, saving myself a lot of effort.

Basically, if a person isn't responding to communication, or looks like they might be a "scam" or "dead" profile... I'll give them until Thursday night to get their act together.

But, on Thursday night... it's time to clear the dead wood. They're keeping me from getting new matches. So, when Friday rolls around, and my list is almost empty... eHarmony usually does a good job of bringing in more suitable replacements.

So, if you're noticing the same pattern that I have... give the Thursday Night Purge a try. And let me know how it works for you.

It's a good feeling to know that the undesirables can be replaced so easily...

Maryann Says:

Scott wrote: It's a good feeling to know that the undesirables can be replaced so easily...

Boy, oh boy, ain’t that the truth! Life gets better when we take control! When you have plenty of other matches in the works, even really great matches that close don’t hurt so much. In fact, sometimes I don’t even have time or interest in looking back at his “About Me” introduction to see which one he is. Who cares? He’s gone. I’m moving on.

Here is my experience with managing matches. After reading Scott’s blog and the Discussion Board, I decided I’d just give in and initiate communication. If guys want me to chase them, fine. It fits my personality anyway. I go after what I want. If that intimidates a match, he probably couldn’t handle me anyway.

So, for the past week I have promptly dealt with each match as it came in. I initiate communication, put on hold to test whether it is an active profile, or close. By dealing with every match, I consistently get seven new matches a day. If I have even one “new” match, I can’t get any more.

My match settings are pretty open. Because I commute every week in two directions, I can seriously consider matches up to three hours away. Also, I have a wide range of ages, am very open about religion, etc.

Having so many matches is empowering! Plus, it feels good to give even marginal matches a chance. I only close when it is clear it could NEVER work! My best date so far started out as a marginal match. He was way better than his profile!

Good luck,

Maryann