Profile Clinic: Stop... talking... please!

In my blog, I've repeatedly written about the profile's true purpose: To create just enough interest for a woman to start working to get to know you better.

Some people provide too little detail to engage interest. Some provide too much.

I'll admit, it's a fuzzy concept. Unfortunately, I can't come up with some set-in-stone way to measure whether a profile's detail is "enough".

But, luckily, in our Google Group, Todd provided us a profile that falls squarely on the side of "too much". And gives me an opportunity to illustrate when he's reached that point.

I won't go through his entire profile - my criticism would get repetitive, and, yes, his profile IS long.

But, let's take one of the sections, where he describes the woman he's looking for:

The most important thing to me is excited curiosity. You are someone who is fun at heart and curious about the world. Your eyes sparkle when you are happy and your smile lights up a room. You might be a bit of a geek at heart (not in the tech way, but in the crafty retro/mod way). You have read Craft, ReadyMade and might have heard of Make. You enjoy being outdoors for a walk on the beach or a weekend of car camping. You like to read but also have TV shows you enjoy too. If you enjoy boardgames and logic puzzles even better!

This reminds me of an old joke about a little boy who spends days digging through a pile of manure, smiling and laughing. One day, a guy asks the boy, "Why are you so excited? You're just digging through a pile of manure!"

The boy replies, "With all this manure... there's got to be a pony here somewhere!"

Okay, there's a pony here. Let's find it.

The most important thing to me is excited curiosity.

A good, assertive start. But not enough detail to provide interest, in my opinion. At least not yet.

You are someone who is fun at heart and curious about the world.

Okay, he's demonstrating that he's someone who can mirror a woman who has energy, a sense of fun, and curiosity. Most women would value that. He's made his point.

He could stop here. I would. (I'd just clean up the text a little bit.)

Let's go on:

Your eyes sparkle when you are happy and your smile lights up a room.

If he stopped here, I think it would still be okay. But I think it's still just as strong (if not stronger) without it.

You might be a bit of a geek at heart (not in the tech way, but in the crafty retro/mod way). You have read Craft, ReadyMade and might have heard of Make.

Now, we're running into problems.

First, there's some weaseling. And it kills the assertiveness that he's built so far.

Next is a more difficult problem.

He's setting a standard that most women won't feel good with. Even most geeks feel a little bit of shame.

Now, if he really wants an unashamed geek-girl, more power to him. But, as I've mentioned yesterday, eHarmony is not the best place to look for women with narrow interests.

If he doesn't... why is he putting it here? Especially when he could have stopped 2 sentences ago?

You enjoy being outdoors for a walk on the beach or a weekend of car camping.

First of all, most women will interpret "walk on the beach" as a cliched romantic bribe. And if that's the best of what you offer... not many women will be interested. These need to be avoided.

Car camping? Again, you're really narrowing the field. Again. Be very careful and deliberate when you do this.

You like to read but also have TV shows you enjoy too.

I don't really know what this sentence adds. It does cut down on the excitement that a "short and punchy" response would bring.

If you enjoy boardgames and logic puzzles even better!

Again, narrowing the field, and admitting this isn't really important. And pulling the emphasis away from something that was "catchy". Why do it?

Anyway, thanks, Todd, for letting me use your profile.

And I hope that this helps to illustrate when you've reached "interesting enough"... and when you've gone past that point.

Profile Clinic: Alpha me up!

Okay, folks, it's time to hit the profile clinic again...

This profile is from "Celery", who writes that, of 75 matches provided, 25 have closed him. Only one woman went into open communication with him - and she stopped replying as soon as they entered open communication.

I think we can safely say, the "attraction level" of his current profile is pretty bad, indeed.

Let's see what we can do to figure out what's wrong.

The best thing about the standard eHarmony profile? They start with a really good question. One that can engage women emotionally, and demonstrate how you're different from the other guys that are out there.

Let's see how he uses this opportunity...

1. What are you most passionate about?

Some might call me a "gadget-head," but I find it fascinating how technology continues to shape the way we live our lives.

Not an auspicious start.

In the past, I've talked about the attraction "triggers" of idealization, mirroring, and twinship.

This section doesn't trigger idealization at all. Gadget collectors aren't terribly idealizable.

If a woman is a die-hard gadget girl, who has no shame... it might provide some mirroring and twinship. But such women are few and far between. And my guess is that Celery doesn't want to focus his search exclusively to these women.

But, on the other hand, when you mention "gadgets", and the importance of "technology"... you're developing a bit of a "nerd factor". And many women make snap judgements about such men. They see them as highly improbable mirroring, idealization, and twinship partners.

So, this section is pretty weak.

But it comes close to something that could work much better.

The fact is... I doubt that Celery just likes collecting batches of circuit boards and wires.

He likes what these gadgets do.

I know. I'm a gadget guy myself. And I love what my gadgets do for me.

My smartphone? A great way to call, email, and SMS my buddies at the last minute for some spontaneous fun. And to organize my busy life.

My home entertainment system? An essential tool - if I'm going to throw a party for my friends.

My MP3 player? A great way to relax, let go, and let my mind flow...

The gadgets? They're tools. But they're tools that allow me to do things that are interesting and idealizable. And they relate to activities that most women can relate to.

So, why talk about the tools at all? Just talk about what you like to do with those tools. Whether it's disappearing into a musical wonderland, throwing parties that your friends all look forward to, or organizing a busy social life. Or whatever else these gadgets allow you to do.

Moving on...

2. What are the THREE things for which you are MOST thankful?

1. Good health

2. Close friends and family

3. Live music

1 and 2 are a little too generic and safe for most purposes, but might be okay if the rest of the profile is strong. Unfortunately, when your profile lacks that idealizable "Alpha male" factor, "Close friends and family" might mark you further as the unidealizable, wishy-washy guy. You might want to change that one.

3. Other than your parents, who has been the most influential person in your life and why?

My best friend has gone through a lot in the past few years, enough to turn a die-hard optimist into a cynic. But he keeps his eyes set on his goals and maintains a positive outlook despite his hardships. That's inspiring to me.

Again, there are some good elements here. But there are also a lot of problems.

First of all, it almost discusses the adversity his friend has gone through more than the fact that he's an optimistic goal-getter.

Next? He's looking like his friend's sidekick. And, in a profile already lacking that "Alpha male" factor, it's continuing to compound the problems that this profile has.

But it's a killer topic. Let's change the focus. My first draft rewrite would be, "That would have to be my best friend, _____. In spite of the difficulties that he's had in the last few years, he's still maintaned his optimism, idealism, and positive outlook on life. It's good to have friends who can maintain such positive energy!"

This is much more positive. And it looks like you're choosing to have this person in your life - not like you're a tag-along to someone else.

Moving along to the eHarmony checkboxes...

4. The four things your friends say about you are:

* Perceptive

* Caring

* Intelligent

* Genuine

5. What are three of your BEST life-skills?

* Using humor to make friends laugh
* Continuing to expand my knowledge and awareness
* Communicating my innermost thoughts and feelings

Again, when you're having difficulty maintaining idealizability, "Caring" and "Communicating my innermost thoughts and feelings" might magnify these problems. You might consider changing them.

6. What is the most important quality that you are looking for in another person?

The cornerstone of any relationship is great communication. Whether it's having a serious conversation about our future, leaving a special message on a sticky note in each other's lunch bags, or cracking jokes over drinks with friends, I want someone who is open to communicating at all levels. I'd also like to meet someone who can make me laugh (a rare thing for a girl – good luck!)

Again, I think that, if we can keep the mirroring potential, but make sure that you're still the "Alpha male", we can make this a lot stronger.

Here's a first draft of how I'd rewrite it:

"I'm looking for a woman with an ease around her. A woman who can join me in cracking jokes over drinks with friends. Or flirt with notes that we'd leave in each other's lunch bags. Oh, and if you can make me laugh? That'd be icing on the cake."

Again, maintaining the mirroring, and the level of challenge. But keeping an "Alpha" status.

7. Other than your appearance, what is the first thing that people notice about you?

I am a good listener and enjoy hearing people talk about their lives rather than focusing on my own. Also, my smile gets me some compliments :)

If the first sentence doesn't scream unattractive beta-male, I don't know what does.

Do yourself a favor. Head over to this page.

Read what women really think when they hear a guy say this.

And when you understand why this is such an attraction-killer, rewrite it.

Let's move on. Before I really start to rant.

(But don't feel too bad. I made the same mistake a long time ago. And had the same results you did.)

8. What is the ONE thing that people DON'T notice about you right away that you WISH they WOULD?

People don't always get my dry sense of humor right away. Usually when I come out with a line, it takes people a second to realize that I'm joking.

Again, some good stuff here. Unfortunately, it's buried in so many weasel words and phrases that it's lost a lot of it's power.

Don't weasel up. Here's how I'd rewrite it:

"I have a dry sense of humor. Sometimes, people don't realize when I'm teasing them."

There. No weaseling out.

Much better, yes?

And if it doesn't really reflect you... go ahead and change it. But don't be a weasel.

9. How do you typically spend your leisure time?

I love DC – it's one of the greatest cities in the world. There's nothing like a day with friends cheering at a Nat's game or seeing a show at the 9:30 Club. If I'm in a quieter mood, I'll take in a wine tour or spend some time at a museum. Since many of my friends have moved in recent years, I have an excuse to travel around the country! A big part of my autumn involves season tickets to my college's football games. I'm also a big movie buff, and try to catch anything that look interesting (particularly if I get a chance to check out the local "artsy" theatre).

Actually, this is the best part of your profile. You're being yourself. You're telling people what you like. You're not trying to impress, and you're not trying to shoe-horn yourself into someone else's life.

I'd leave this alone for now. Maybe, in the future, you might experiment with cutting this down a little bit - sometimes, when people provide such a variety of activities that they enjoy, it makes people suspicious. But I think that focusing on other areas, for now, will be more productive in improving your results.

10. What are five things that you "can't live without?"

a. Gym membership – got to stay active!

b. My cat, Coco, who plays fetch like a dog.

c. GPS – gives my life direction

d. Optimism – always look on the bright side of life

e. Sunglasses – due to my optimism, I need the shades…

Again, this looks better. I'm starting to see a person here. Not a spineless suck-up.

11. Describe the last book that you read and enjoyed. What was it about? What did you like most about it?

I really enjoyed "Into the Wild" by John Krakauer because it helped me understand how your approach to life influences those around you.

A little more detail might help. I haven't read the book yet (it is on my reading list), but, I think there are a lot of more specific parallels you can point out. How his optimism influenced others. The amazing things that can happen when you take a few risks.

Again, just a little more specificity will make this more intriguing.

12. Describe one thing about yourself that only your best friends know.

I am slightly embarrassed to admit that my iPod is stocked with 80s music. Guilty pleasure...

Don't weasel. Don't feel guilty. Say it. Own it. Be it.

You'd be surprised to discover how many women will relate to this.

13. Is there any additional information you would like your matches to know about you?

I absolutely love to cook but loathe going to the grocery store. If you love shopping but hate cooking, we really need to get together!

Cool. I'll bring you some groceries. You're going to spend hours cooking me a fantastic gourmet meal. Right?

Oh, wait, you're not willing to do that for me?

You're just being a nice guy?

I think you need to reread the "nice guys" thing. Again.

Okay, I'll stop beating you up now.

But you still need to come up with a better call to action.

Anyway, I hope I've been helpful. Please - keep in touch, and let us know how you're doing.

And good luck!

Profile Clinic: Knowing when to stop.

Okay, time to take a break from the "attachment model"... and get back to the profile clinic.

"Wil E. Quixote" writes that, despite frequent editing and reediting of his profile, he continues to do poorly - he's been matched with over 120 people, and has been in open communication with one.

I know the cycle of "reediting". I wrote about it several times. I did a search for my "failure spiral", and I'd recommend that he reread these articles.

The good news? He does have good material in his profile. The problem is - he's trying just a little too hard. My guess is that, if he were to state his positives in a short, confident manner, he'd start doing much better.

So, here's a new starting point, from the vantage point of someone out of the spiral.

My suggestion? Take this, and leave it alone for awhile. If you want to introduce a change, introduce them one at a time, and don't make any further changes until you know the results of the last change you made.

So, let's get crackin'!

When asked about his passion, Wil wrote:

I am interested in many things. I get excited about ideas and concepts. I enjoy discussing ideas or being exposed to new things. I also dig language and stories. The shows and movies I love the best have popping dialogue and dynamic concepts. But the greatest of these is love for my friends and the passion I feel for helping my students.

One characteristic mistake that people make in the "failure spiral", is that, when the question asks for one thing, they lose focus. They don't know what will "sell". And they start listing a lot of things, hoping that something will hit the target.

He needs to be confident, and stop trying to sell. He could just answer with the first two sentences - they're short, concise, real, confident, and consistent with the rest of the profile. (I'd change the "or" to "and", though.) Or, he could rewrite the answer to state "the passion I feel for helping my students". (I'd skip "love for my friends" - far too cliched.)

Pick one. Stick with it. Be confident, and brief.

When asked to describe the most influential person, Wil writes:

I had two extraordinary teachers, Mr. Stewart and Mr. Alcock, who mentored and encouraged me. I have been blessed with a lot of great people in my life, but they are the ones who I model myself after, as a teacher and a man.

I'd dump the second sentence. And I'd hint at one specific thing they mentored or encouraged you to do. One extra sentence, maximum. And, please, don't make it a run-on.

And, now, the checklists:

4 things friends say:
# Affectionate
# Articulate
# Kind
# Funny

life skills
# Using humor to make friends laugh
# Finding pleasure and contentment in simple things
# Being a good friend and companion

I'd keep the life skills. As far as "things friends say", I've noticed that more commanding and "alpha" responses get more responses. Funny and articulate are both "alpha" traits, and I'd keep them. "Kind" and "Affectionate" are less so. I'd consider finding other alpha traits that are consistent with his personality.

Now, when asked what he's looking for, he writes...

I'm hoping to find a chatterbox with a sense of humor and an interest in ideas. I enjoy talking about random things. Philosophy. 80's TV. Crazy animal trivia. A pretty close second is that I gravitate towards people who are affectionate. All the people I've strongly connected to have been verbal and they've been warm.

Good - but he's selling much harder than he needs to. I'd cut everything out of this section but the first sentence. The rest of the profile supports this sentence just fine.

Now, as far as the first thing people notice....

I have a sense of wonder and play about a lot of things. I still notice hawks in the sky and put on foreign accents for my own amusement. I like being silly.

This is pretty good. I'd either keep this, or I'd take "I enjoy talking about random things. Philosophy. 80's TV. Crazy animal trivia." out of the last section, and put it here.

I'll let you pick. But pick only one. Don't try to use both.

As far as traits people don't notice right away, Wil writes:

I'm pretty heavily faceted. People who see one side of me are often surprised by the other sides. If you get The Clown, The Thinker, or The Caretaker, its worth knowing that there are other parts of me.

This is a non-answer. It describes everybody - not just you. And it looks like you're wimping out.

I'd pick one "facet", and write about that. You've already made "The Clown" and "The Thinker" obvious. And I'd avoid "The Caretaker" until she's earned enough credit to earn that role from you. Pick another facet, and write about it. Two sentences maximum. And make them short.

When asked to describe his leisure time, Wil writes:

I read a decent amount. Not as much as I did when I was a kid, but you cant drive to work reading. Or so I'm told by a CERTAIN TRAFFIC COP. I rollerblade some. I love to polish my cooking skills. They are actually reasonably shiny by now. I play boardgames a fair amount. "Apples to Apples" and "Betrayal At The House On The Hill" are favorites. But most of all, I love to share ideas and stories. I'm pretty open to new experiences. Mostly I love hanging out with interesting people.

There's good stuff here, but it's buried under weasel words and weasel phrases. Here's how I'd rewrite it.

"I read a lot. I rollerblade. I like to polish my cooking skills. I play boardgames - 'Apples to Apples' and 'Betrayal At The House On the Hill' are my favorites. But, most of all, I love hanging out with interesting people, sharing ideas and stories."

If you want to throw the joke back in... hold for awhile. After you know how your profile plays without the joke, add it. But, right now, the joke seems to represent the "try harder" attitude that is hurting your efforts. For the sake of example, leave it out for now.

And now, for the last book he read...

I am re-reading Story Of The Stone by Barry Hughart, and I'm really loving it. If you imagine Han Solo and Sherlock Holmes combined, made them chinese, and 100 years old in ancient china, that would be the main character.

I also like Harlan Coben in general. He writes very taut thrillers. One of the things I like about them is that they are a celebration of regular folks and the basic goodness of people. I also read a lot of Terry Pratchett, who is basically what you get if you stick The Kids In The Hall in a blender with traditional fantasy novels. Really. Its freaking hilarious.

The second paragraph? Trying too hard. Get rid of it.

The first paragraph could stand some tightening up, as well. I'd go with, "I'm re-reading 'Story Of The Stone' by Barry Hughart, and I'm really loving it. Combine Han Solo and Sherlock Holmes, make them Chinese, and set them 100 years ago in ancient China. That would describe the main character."

As far as what only his friends know, Wil writes:

My best friends EARNED the right to know these things by doing four tours in Sarasota, braving nearly blind snowbirds in cadillacs, encephalitis, and tropical storms. You have to at least go out on a couple dates with me. 8)

This approach is common, and it's a wimp-out. And the forced humor doesn't help matters. A complete rewrite is in order.

Good news? We've cut a lot of material. We can use one of the scraps here. "I get geeky about animal trivia." "I still get hypnotized by 80's television reruns." "I put on foreign accents for my own amusement." Pick one, and only one. And keep it just as short as I typed.

Finally, Wil ends with this call to action:

Not really. If you havent been watching Pushing Daisies, you should. I just like to plug the show. Its that good. Your other shows are in re-runs. Give it a try.

For now, stick with a standard call to action. If you really want to try plugging "Pushing Daisies" instead, do it as an experiment after you already know what a standard call to action does.

And there you go. Your personality is still there. We certainly haven't buried it. We just stopped overselling it. And it makes you look much more confident.

This profile won't appeal to everyone. But, my guess is, he won't want to meet women who aren't interested in the guy that we've described. It looks like a good start.

Give it a shot. And resist the urge to edit until you know how things are already working, okay?

Good luck. And let us know how you're doing, Wil!

Profile Clinic: It's time to grow a spine!

And, once again, it's time to return to the profile clinic.

Today's profile was submitted by "Stats". When he casually talks on our Google Group, he genuinely sounds like an interesting guy. He's a ministerial student. He's done missions in Sierra Leone. He's well-read, intelligent, and has an interesting, offbeat sense of humor. All intriguing and desirable traits.

Yet, when it comes to his profile... He's not doing well. Most women are closing him, saying that they're pursuing other matches.

An interesting guy... with a bad profile. Sounds like we've got our work cut out for us, yes?

Let's get started. How does his profile start?

1. What are you most passionate about?
I can still get pretty excited about Christmas time. It's a really meaningful time for me, and I like to put a lot of effort into that season. I'll never do anything as gaudy as Clark Griswold, but I understand the feeling. This can be a stressful time of the year, but I think it's worthwhile.

Hmm... I'm already beginning to see some problems coalesce.

Here's a guy who's devoted his life to joining the ministry. Who's spent time in missions work. Who's read philosophical tomes on ethics that I'd probably have to study for months before I could begin to understand them. Clearly, a passionate, driven guy.

But, when it comes to his profile? What is he most passionate about?

He likes Christmas. I don't even really see passion here.

It's too vague. He's playing it safe. And he's looking just like everybody else.

Furthermore, after being vague, he's busy defending himself. Saying he doesn't get too gaudy. Acknowledging that it's stressful for some people.

And sucking out whatever passion that there was in the statement.

This is supposed to be a statement about your passion. The best thing he can do? Tell us, and quit apologizing.

Let's move on.

2. Thankful for:
The Jack Benny Program (nobody can pause like Jack Benny)
That just about anyone can keep me humble if I'm paying attention
Those absurdly long & repetitive speeches my nephew's Karate teacher delivers. Deep down, I'm thankful for those.

The first one? Fantastic. I'd keep it. His personality really comes through on that one. The third one's okay too.

The second one? It's compounding some problems.

The trouble is, he's not giving us a clear, strong view of who he is, and what makes him different from the other profiles. When he adds this... he's adding to the wuss factor.

Don't get me wrong. Compromise is essential in a relationship. But, right now, women need to see his strengths and uniqueness. Not his ability to compromise.

Moving on...

3. Other than parents, person influential:
I think if someone could see my older brothers & I together, they would know how much they've meant to me. And although I'm close to both of them, one of them has a really similar personality to me, and I think we can have more fun together just driving in the car than a lot of people have doing ... um, you know, ... fun things.

Again, there are some good things here. But they're being buried in a mound of apologies and safe vagueness. But this is very salvageable.

If I were Stats, I'd start this paragraph with, "My brother. We have really similar personalities, and we have more fun..." I'd keep the rest of the paragraph. But I'd end with one specific thing that you do in the car.

And now...

4. Four things:
· Rational
· Loyal
· Good Listener
· Thoughtful

5. Life skills:
· Humor to make friends laugh
· Expand knowledge and awareness
· Sharing beliefs through teaching, participation, and example

I'd pick traits that are a little more alpha than "Good listener" and "thoughtful". Otherwise, this seems fine and consistent.

Let's go on...

6. Quality you are looking for in another:
I'd like someone who will be patient with me, who genuinely cares about other people, and who has the strength of character to do what is right.

It's way too early to ask a woman to tolerate your bad habits. I'd just skip straight away to the other traits... caring about people and strength of character.

Next, we have:

7. Other than appearance:
People tell me their first impression of me is of someone contemplative, but not in the sense of a brooding, contemplating young man. At least I hope not. I think it's more in the sense of a guy who wears glasses and considers things.

He needs to make this look more appealing. And he needs to look a lot less apologetic.

I don't know if this is an appropriate "spin" for Stats, but here's a more positive way to bring out these qualities... how about something like, "People see me as the guy you can count on to be calm and rational during the times when other people are losing their heads." There. Same characteristics, but this spin (or something similar) can make him look confident, self-centered, and strong.

Next, we have:

8. People don't know:
Everyone knows I'm a fan of Immanuel Kant, but not everyone knows that there's more to it than just the fun of great ideas. Nor is it just the pleasure of being in the light of his genius. That's all true, but the real reason I love this stuff is that I find something really life-giving in it. He didn't just give us some stolid, overly systematic philosophy in page-long sentences (which he did apologize for); he drew a better picture of the human heart than most poets. I believe that.

There's a great emotional core here - that, behind Stats' calm, rational "front", there's a guy who sees it as a way of understanding the human heart. Unfortunately, it's still coming off a little cold, in my opinion.

Here's my first shot at editing this: "Because of my calm nature, sometimes people think I don't understand people's emotions. Nothing could be further from the truth. In my opinion, it takes a bit of calm to truly understand people. I think Immanual Kant pointed the way - that behind his stolid, overly systematic philosophy in page-long sentences, he drew a better picture of the human heart than most poets."

But, then again, even that's a pretty long paragraph... But it gives him a start.

Next, we have:

9. Leisure:
In July, I was in Sierra Leone & had plenty of leisure time. Sometimes, my friends & I would use it to find a way to escape the heat. The last Saturday, for instance, we had a pretty interesting time on the beach (granted not as interesting as my friend's proposition from a diamond smuggler, but still).

Since I've been back, I've really enjoyed following the tennis tournaments. It's a great sport because you can see the players as individuals, rather than simply as parts of a team, and it's a great time for the game, too, because of who the players are these days.

I'd move the first paragraph to "things only my friends know". And I'd tell a more specific story. He needs to say at least a little bit about what happened on the beach to generate interest.

Again, the second paragraph is usable, but needs to get more specific. It needs to start a story. Not just tell us that a story is there.

Next, we have...

10. Can't live without:
Chocolate Icebox Dessert on Christmas Day
The smell of old books
A bit of laughter
National Public Radio
Bright colors - just a touch

Good. But I'd get rid of "A bit" (of laughter), and "just a touch". No need to apologize for what you like.

Moving on, we have:

11. Describe the last book:
Get Fuzzy: Loserpalooza. It's collection of comic strips about the crazy antics of Robert Wilco and his two pets, Bucky Katt and Satchel the Dog. Why do I like it?
It's silly.

This is good. It gives us another dimension of his personality. I'd definitely keep it.

Next, we have:

12. Only friends know:
Two things:
1. I am quite loyal. One of my friends told me that this could be irritating, sometimes. He also told me it's the reason we're still friends.

2. The other thing is that I have a man crush on a Cambridge educated Zimbabwean theologian, whom I know personally. If you met him, you'd understand.

These two things are not wholly unrelated.

Ugh. Neither of these are appealing, in any way, shape or form.

Good thing we have the Sierra Leone story. Because these? They're seriously bad.

On a heterosexual dating site... it's best to look like a strong heterosexual man.

Okay, time to stop dwelling on this... Let's wrap it up with:

13. Additional Information:
If your interested in more, let's go through the guided communication. I'm happy to share.

Ugh.

Stats is an interesting guy. He needs to close with confidence. He shouldn't ask if they're interested. He should assume that they are, and tell them what the next step IS. And that's all he needs to do.

And, there you go. The elements of a good profile were there. He just needed to be more confident in bringing them out.

Now, he needs to continue that through communication.

I'd like to see how he does.... and I hope he keeps us posted.

Profile clinic: Polishing the headlights

Well, it's time to hit the profile clinic again.

"Monk" from Louisiana, describes his sticking point like this:

"I’d been getting decent results . . . however the women that I was most interested in tended to close me before ever getting started."

Unlike the last profile clinic, the problem here isn't a lack of response. He's captured these women's attention. It's demonstrating his personality. But he might be demonstrating it in an unattractive way.

So, let's look at the kind of woman that Monk is trying to get. He describes her as:

"...Someone who can bring interesting perspectives and opinions into conversations on a wide variety of subjects. I don’t care if we have the same ideologies and in fact I’d prefer that we don’t so that we can both learn more from our conversations. I love verbal sparing with women who are feisty and can be somewhat stubborn at times and sweet at others. I enjoy being with someone who can truly challenge me on my beliefs/behaviors and who isn’t afraid to do so if she has a different view on things. I’d like a woman who is adventurous (never afraid to try new things/places/experiences), and has a level of ambition close to my own, but isn't totally absorbed in their career."

Okay. Let's look at the profile, and see what might be a problem.

"1. What are you most passionate about?

I'm most passionate about learning; finding new and old things and immersing myself in them and sometimes turning them into new passions. One of my earliest fascinations was (and still is) with music. When I was very young my Grandmother bought a small organ for me that I played every time that I went to visit. I really loved making up my own little melodies and imitating things I’d heard. That organ sparked a deep passion for making/experiencing music... As far as what my favorite type is I have very eclectic tastes, but if my name hasn’t given it away I certainly won’t."

Hmm... Nothing really repellent here. In fact, this is pretty appealing to your target audience. I like it. And I'd leave it alone.

"2. What are the THREE things for which you are MOST thankful?

1. My relationship with God.
2. Music!
3. Boudin!"

#1 may may be causing some problems. You say that you're looking for someone who's pretty free-spirited, but many people who openly espouse their religious faith come off as potentially narrow-minded and intolerant of differences.

I don't know enough about your brand of faith to help you resolve this. Many more liberal persuasions emphasize more free-spirited inquiry - for example, personal interpretations of scripture (rather than dogmatic acceptance), and service to the needy. Perhaps this is what you need to emphasize more in your profile. If that's you, of course.

Your other options? Either don't talk about faith (you don't need to talk about everything that's important to you), change your target, or leave it alone with the knowledge that women who have issues with men who espouse religious principles aren't for you.

"3. Other than your parents, who has been the most influential person in your life and why?

My grandmother was like a rock in my life when I was growing up. She had a calm confident strength that seemed to be in endless supply. Anytime I had a problem or couldn't figure out what to do I knew all I had to do was talk to her. My grandmother taught me to develop my faith and to find a source of strength in my own life through God. She also introduced me to another one of my passions. Once she let me take apart one of her old TVs. I sat and stared inside the little box for hours gazing at the clear glass vacuum tubes, following all the different colored wires around, and marveling at how many connections..."

This started off well. Again, we do have the "religious faith" issue to resolve... I'll address how I'd go after it in a later section, and leave it out of this paragraph. As far as the electronics... It really detracts from the emotional core of the paragraph. I'd cut out everything including (and after) "She also introduced me to another one of my passions."

"4. The four things your friends say about you are:

1. Intelligent
2. Perceptive
3. Loyal
4. Funny

5. What are three of your BEST life-skills?

Using humor to make friends laugh

Continuing to expand my knowledge and awareness

Remaining calm yet resilient during a crisis"

It's pretty consistent with the profile. I'd leave it alone.

"6. What is the most important quality that you are looking for in another person?

If you’re my ideal partner you aren’t interested in blindly following a set of religious rules and regulations but your friends would consider you to be very spiritual. You work daily to strengthen and grow your personal relationship with God."

This would ordinarily be fine, even if it's a touch more negative than I'd like. However, we've got a mild disconnect between what you're telling me you're looking for, and what your profile says that you're looking for. You need to ask yourself: Which is more important, this, or "Someone who can bring interesting perspectives and opinions into conversations on a wide variety of subjects"?

"7. Other than your appearance, what is the first thing that people notice about you?

I like to tease and play when I first meet people."

This is fine...

"8. What is the ONE thing that people DON'T notice about you right away that you WISH they WOULD?

I know what I like and what I don't like. I think people see me being picky and assume that I'm not really open to new experiences but that couldn't be further from the truth."

This is pretty negative, especially to your target audience. When you say you don't look like you're open to new experiences, many people will assume it's because you AREN'T open to new experiences, but just don't realize it.

If you want to salvage this, I'd use something along the lines of, "Because I'm so passionate about the things that I enjoy, people often don't realize how much I enjoy new experiences and perspectives." It says the same thing... but the phrasing is much more positive.

Or... this might be a good space to talk about your religious faith. (While leaving it out of other sections.) You can adopt the paragraph you used before: "Faith is very important to me. I don't believe in blindly following religious regulations, but (what you do to "sharpen the saw" on a daily basis), and my friends recognize me as a very spiritual person.

"9. How do you typically spend your leisure time?

I love cooking for my friends and family. Making meals and trying to find inventive ways to incorporate rich spicy flavors while keeping the food healthy is without a doubt one of my simple pleasures. I'm always experimenting with new things."

This is good. Leave it alone.

"10. What are five things that you "can't live without?"

1. God
2. Laughter!
3. A computer with a net connection...
4. Black & White movies
5. A towel! (tell me you get the reference...)"

#1 is okay, if you've grounded it with something like I've suggested. #5... is just a little too geeky. The women who'd get it might be afraid that you're the type of guy who'd wear his Star Trek uniform to a wedding. I'd pick something with less baggage.

"11. Describe the last book that you read and enjoyed. What was it about? What did you like most about it?

I read a lot of things (mostly for research these days), but I'm gonna go for the easy one here and say the Bible... It was about my loving father and what I like most about it was finding out that his love for you and me is unconditional."

Again, I think we're in religion overkill. Talking about your faith once in your profile makes you look passionate. Endless repeats make you look insecure, insincere, or dogmatic. Switch to another gear.

"12. Describe one thing about yourself that only your best friends know.

I see dead people…"

In another context, this might be funny. But, here, it looks like a dodge. Either that, or you really do see dead people... and you really want to wait a few dates before flying THAT "freak flag".

You left me with one of your old profiles... I'd adapt one of your old lines. How about, "I think life would be a lot more fun if there were more water balloon fights..."

"13. Is there any additional information you would like your matches to know about you?

I recently made a decision in my life to get healthy. I've posted a before pic in my photos. The other pictures were taken as part of my celebration for reaching a milestone in my effort to reform my way of living. It's a work in progress but I'm about 60% of the way to my goal."

I don't have much experience with this approach, and don't know whether it would work or not. I'd experiment with alternating this with a more "standard" call to action, and see which works better.

There you go. You've got a lot of attractive traits, so this was an easy profile to edit. It just needed a little bit of polish.

And let me know how it works for you. Good or bad, I'd like to let my readers know.

Good luck!

Profile Clinic - "I Can't Get Any Women to Respond."

Just the other day, I recieved an email that illustrates the point of my last article beautifully. He writes:

"Glad to see you got a blog going. Lately I have turned matches back on on eHarmony and I can not get any of these women to respond. I need to add some more humor in my profile but I am not sure what it is missing that would cause them to not respond, I do have 2 good pic's posted as well, so if you could do a profile critique, I would love to get your opinion. Profile attached. "

No responses... but no rejections either. I'm getting a sense of what's wrong already. You're not generating interest. Let's see why. I'll channel my inner diva, and we'll take a look, from a hypothetical woman's perspective. (I gotta warn you. She's harsh. But you can learn a lot from her. And it's great entertainment.) Let's start with the first part:

1. What are you most passionate about?

I am passionate about making sure I try to live all areas of my life to the fullest. Those areas include many different things

He's typed almost 25 words, and, so far, has only stated a platitude. He's said nothing interesting about himself... so we're off to a very shaky start. But, hey, I've had a good strong cup of coffee, and I feel like ranting. So, let's give him a chance...

, right now one of them is focusing more on what my next travel destination is and what new culture I can learn about. I have learned over the years that life get's pretty routine if you are only focused only on your career.

Well, we've reached something that MIGHT be interesting... he's passionate about the next trip he's taking. That took seven words. Other than those seven words, he drifts off into platitudes again. So... I'm still very bored. So far, he looks like those other boring profiles I passed up...

2. What are the THREE things for which you are MOST thankful?

• Health
• Friends abd Family
• Career

If you had typed something interesting in step 1, I might forgive that you've said the same things here that 90% of the other guys have said. But, you didn't. And I'm still bored! (And you can't spell "and"?)

3. Other than your parents, who has been the most influential person in your life and why?

It's hard for me to select one individual person that has had the most impact on my life. I have tended to pull little things here and there from all sorts of people that have been involved in my life.

Moving from boring to wimpy. Is it really true that he can't think of any specific person who's had an impact on his life? Doubtful. It's probably because he's too much of a weenie to actually say something about himself.

4. The four things your friends say about you are:
Respectful
Intelligent
Easy-Going
Funny

... I'm not seeing it so far. In fact, it seems inconsistent with the rest of the profile.

5. What are three of your BEST life-skills?

· Using humor to make friends laugh
· Being a good friend and companion
· Making improvements and repairs around the house

Yup. I'm glad I've finally found a man who can fix my appliances... take me now.

6. What is the most important quality that you are looking for in another person?

Of course everyone wants the person in their life to have a sense of humor, but most of all I like a woman that has a beautiful energy to her and is happy about life. Show me a beautiful smile and a woman who is happy about life and living it and you'll have my attention.

Oh, boy. I get to compare myself to a list of more platitudes. How flattering.

7. Other than your appearance, what is the first thing that people notice about you?
I think they notice that I am a funny, interesting and cool person to get to know.

Anyone can say that they're funny, interesting and cool. But you aren't showing it.

8. What is the ONE thing that people DON'T notice about you right away that you WISH they WOULD?
I haven't noticed anything that they don't notice about me right away :-)

Another question dodged - wimp. And I still haven't learned why you're worth spending more time with...

9. How do you typically spend your leisure time?
Let's see....it's seems to be changing, I have a variety of things I like to spend my time doing, one in particular is skeet shooting...it's great to get outside with my friend and shoot some clay pigeons, we usually go early in the morning and it's right on the water overlooking the bay...I love it. As far as all the other things I spend time doing, you'll have to ask me if, and when we meet.

Okay. You said something that separates you from the other people. But I still don't relate to it. Much less see why it's worth getting up early in the morning. It's a hobby, I suppose, but I'm not intrigued. And, right now, I'm struggling to stay awake reading this profile, much less expressing any interest in meeting you.

10. What are five things that you "can't live without?"

Air Conditioning
Good people in my life
XM Radio
Friends/Family
A little peace and quite from time to time

Maybe if you talked about some of these things, I might relate. Too bad you misspelled quiet...

11. Describe the last book that you read and enjoyed. What was it about? What did you like most about it?

Reed? Wha's reeding mean, like reeding comic bouks and stuph. Ohh..READING...

Boy, that was a desparate attempt at humor... If you're funny, it isn't forced.

Well I read a lot of very thick technical books in order to advance my career. But as far as reading for pleasure, I don't take a lot of time for that, but I do try and get most of the books I want to read on tape or CD.

Don't care. Quit making excuses, wimp.

The one I am currently listening to is "Secrets of the Millionaire Mind"

And then you end it. So, all it is to me is an isloated title. You haven't raised my interest at all, yet...

12. Describe one thing about yourself that only your best friends know

They know that I am determined in life. That if I try something out weather it be a business venture or a new way of doing things and it doesn't succeed, I will bounce back and move onto my next challenge.

If at first you don't succeed, give it 105%! Make lemons out of lemonade! Every cloud has a silver lining! G-d, I'm so sick of these platitudes.

13. Is there any additional information you would like your matches to know about you?

I would like them to know I am a hard nut to crack because I see how many woman these day's are very shallow and only after what can benefit them,because of this I am a challenge, mysterious, funny, and not afraid to put you in your place with a little verbal playfulness
:-) Please be unique and special, more than just a pretty face. Beauty is common, It's something your parents or that plastic surgeon downtown gave you. What counts is what you make of yourself, do you have a beautiful energy about you, an enticing personality?...then I am all ears.

The diva has left the building. Mutterred something about "This guy has issues".

I get what you're trying to do with this paragraph. Many pick-up artists advocate making a woman qualify herself to be with you. But a woman won't qualify herself unless she has some interest in you. And, so far, you haven't provided that interest. It's the wrong time.

Actually, the diva was harsh. But she's seen a lot of profiles. And, actually, your profile is about as bad as the average chump's, so it's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. The problem is, desirable women have plenty of average profiles to read.

How can we fix this? I don't think I have the basis to write a GREAT profile. But, I think we can raise women's interest levels to a point where you'll get some responses.

Here's where I'd apply the band-aids. You'll want to change the wording, so you sound like you instead of me.

Question 1: Cut the introduction down to, "I'm passionate about a lot of things, but, right now, I'm really stoked about my next vacation -", and tell her one thing that you're really looking forward to doing. And make it something interesting - something she'll want to ask questions about.

Question 3: Don't be a wimp. What's an important lesson you learned in your life? Is it a lesson people relate to? Who taught it to you?

Question 4 & 5: Make the adjectives consistent with the rest of the profile. And lose the "I can fix things in the house for you."

Question 6: Pick one quality. You might do well with, "I'm happy with my life. It's important that you be happy with yours, too." There. You've set a bar that people understand.

Question 7: Say one thing, and demonstrate it.

Question 8 & 12: Answer the questions. It doesn't have to be deep. Just a little interesting. "I have a hidden collection of Wayne Newton records". "I've got an irrational fear of red socks." Anything is better than what you've already written.

Question 9: Why is skeet-shooting exciting to you? Is it time with your friend? If so, what makes his company that interesting? Is it the feeling you get when you hit your targets? Give her an emotion. Let her know why it keeps you intrigued. Focus on the feeling, not the event.

Question 10: Correct your typo. Otherwise, it's not bad...

Question 11: She doesn't care about what you read at work, or if you heard it on audio. Just pick a book you liked, and tell her why it intrigued you.

Question 13: Dump it. Keep it simple. How about... "Intrigued? Let's communicate."

Answer this way... and she'll know a little bit about you. When you give her a little bit, she'll want to know more.

Write me back. Let me know how you do. Good or bad, I'll share it with everyone.

Why is writing an intriguing profile hard? And why are they so uncommon? That's the subject of my next article...