A long time ago, I talked about something that I call the "Card List" - a place that I put women, who, for whatever reason, seem too difficult to have in a relationship, but, given time, might grow up a little.
Well, seeing as it's the Jewish New Year, I sent my usual batch of email cards out. With quite a few women replying.
So, what do I really do with them?
Well, if they just write back something along the lines of, "Happy New Year to you too", I don't do anything. People who write something like this are usually just being polite. Any response would probably be too much.
But, fair is fair. If my memories with them were particularly unpleasant, and I've got better women on the line... I'll usually talk about being busy, and drop things quickly.
And, yes, if you play this game, you will get a few "attention whores" - women who want the ego stroke of keeping you on the line. You'll usually be able to quickly figure out who these women are. And consider if they're worthy of your next card distribution.
But, yes. A few women, given time to mature, and the knowledge that you did move to greener pastures before... will start to come in line.
And they're the ones that (barely) make the card list worth it.
Showing posts with label Open communication. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Open communication. Show all posts
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Remember the goals of the challenge!
To wrap up my "challenges" miniseries, it might be a good time to remind ourselves what it is about challenges that make them work.
In no particular order, challenges can successfully build attraction when:
In no particular order, challenges can successfully build attraction when:
- They create a little tension. But it should be playful tension - not critical tension.
- A woman feels good when she answers them. Challenges shouldn't be a chore. They should be fun.
- They convey that you're still the selector. Essentially, solidifying your position as an idealizable person.
- They provide a woman an opportunity to "prove" that you'll be good for mirroring or kinship.
- They force her to pursue a deepening of the relationship - rather than as a sign that you're sold on the idea of advancing, and just waiting for permission.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Premature challenges - they can hurt you.
Another kind of "challenge" that can hurt you is one that is given prematurely.
In the early phases of attraction, the two of you are still probably wondering if you are going to get along.
But, because of eHarmony's implicit encouragement (a wrongheaded notion, in my opinion), it's easy to fall into the trap of asking questions way too soon.
For example, if the two of you walk by a travel poster on your date, and she mentions her dream of moving to Paris, it's fair game to ask interesting follow-up questions.
Fantasizing about dream trips (without inserting yourself in them)? Also fair game.
But, coming out of the blue and asking women, "Where do you want to be in 20 years?" That's just plain weird.
On your first meeting? You're still trying to figure out if you're going to want a second meeting. And you're nowhere close to making long-term plans with each other.
And the fact that you're even asking questions like this so soon... tells her that your level of committment (without knowing her) is way too high. In a scary way.
Remember the attachment model, folks. Early challenges are meant to help you understand her better. And that's it.
In the early phases of attraction, the two of you are still probably wondering if you are going to get along.
But, because of eHarmony's implicit encouragement (a wrongheaded notion, in my opinion), it's easy to fall into the trap of asking questions way too soon.
For example, if the two of you walk by a travel poster on your date, and she mentions her dream of moving to Paris, it's fair game to ask interesting follow-up questions.
Fantasizing about dream trips (without inserting yourself in them)? Also fair game.
But, coming out of the blue and asking women, "Where do you want to be in 20 years?" That's just plain weird.
On your first meeting? You're still trying to figure out if you're going to want a second meeting. And you're nowhere close to making long-term plans with each other.
And the fact that you're even asking questions like this so soon... tells her that your level of committment (without knowing her) is way too high. In a scary way.
Remember the attachment model, folks. Early challenges are meant to help you understand her better. And that's it.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Challenges - They need to be "baited".
Quick. I need all of my readers to email me all of their banking accounts' routing and account numbers.
Do it right now, before reading further.
Okay. If you have any common sense at all, you did what most people would do in that situation. You said, "What the &*(^?!", and refused.
Clearly, you've got no incentive to accede to my unreasonable request.
A lot of people who are new to the seduction literature make similar mistakes. They recognize that remaining a challenge is vital in an early attraction phase.
But, women don't respond to challenges just because you're throwing one out there. Just like most of you aren't going to give me access to your bank accounts in order to please me.
Bottom line? You have to demonstrate some reason why she should respond to your challenge.
So... if your "about me" is weak, or doesn't "vibe" with her... stricter challenges will not generate further attraction.
The problem is the bait. Not the challenge.
Do it right now, before reading further.
Okay. If you have any common sense at all, you did what most people would do in that situation. You said, "What the &*(^?!", and refused.
Clearly, you've got no incentive to accede to my unreasonable request.
A lot of people who are new to the seduction literature make similar mistakes. They recognize that remaining a challenge is vital in an early attraction phase.
But, women don't respond to challenges just because you're throwing one out there. Just like most of you aren't going to give me access to your bank accounts in order to please me.
Bottom line? You have to demonstrate some reason why she should respond to your challenge.
So... if your "about me" is weak, or doesn't "vibe" with her... stricter challenges will not generate further attraction.
The problem is the bait. Not the challenge.
Friday, June 20, 2008
When challenges aren't fun
A lot of attention in the seduction community is spent upon being a "challenge".
Not giving everything up right away.
Making the other person earn your attention and interest.
It's a concept that a lot of people resist.
And it's a concept that beginners often take too far.
They forget... challenges are supposed to make the interaction more fun. For BOTH of you.
And some things that beginners confuse for challenges, such as heavy-handed demands, or intentionally making yourself a pain-in-the-butt to deal with... will harm you.
So... next week, let's talk about what makes challenges work.
Have a great weekend!
Not giving everything up right away.
Making the other person earn your attention and interest.
It's a concept that a lot of people resist.
And it's a concept that beginners often take too far.
They forget... challenges are supposed to make the interaction more fun. For BOTH of you.
And some things that beginners confuse for challenges, such as heavy-handed demands, or intentionally making yourself a pain-in-the-butt to deal with... will harm you.
So... next week, let's talk about what makes challenges work.
Have a great weekend!
Friday, May 9, 2008
The Dangers of Textual Diarrhea
Most guys, when they visit a site like eHarmony, don't really know what they want.
And, in their profile and communications, they try to please everyone. So, they try to put out long streams of anything that might please someone.
And, often end in a case of what I call, "Textual diarrhea". Long passages of disconnected, loose crap.
And, make no mistake about it - women see through this quickly.
In the profile? You really don't want to go into "diarrhea" mode. Pick just a few intriguing highlights. And keep your text short. Your highlights may not please everyone... but they'll please the women that you want to spend time with.
In your communications? Ease off the gas. She's gone through long rounds of guided communication. If she's done that - she's interested in you. You don't need to prove yourself further. Relax.
Because, when you relax, the women who are attracted to you will work harder.
And, pretty soon, you might be on the receiving end of her textual diarrhea.
And, in their profile and communications, they try to please everyone. So, they try to put out long streams of anything that might please someone.
And, often end in a case of what I call, "Textual diarrhea". Long passages of disconnected, loose crap.
And, make no mistake about it - women see through this quickly.
In the profile? You really don't want to go into "diarrhea" mode. Pick just a few intriguing highlights. And keep your text short. Your highlights may not please everyone... but they'll please the women that you want to spend time with.
In your communications? Ease off the gas. She's gone through long rounds of guided communication. If she's done that - she's interested in you. You don't need to prove yourself further. Relax.
Because, when you relax, the women who are attracted to you will work harder.
And, pretty soon, you might be on the receiving end of her textual diarrhea.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
War Story: Recovery from an email overheat
Continued from yesterday...
It's clear... she's still eager to meet me. But she's feeling unsafe.
Why?
Because we're meeting in a crowded state park? Probably not. In her profile, she says that she hikes a lot. And she's not fearful of the random guys she might run into.
She's in fear because she's "overheated". She's seeing more romantic potential than I had planned. When I mentioned picnic, I was thinking sack lunches, conversation, and some walking of well-trafficked areas. She's thinking isolation, wine, cheese, and losing control.
Her thoughts are scary to her right now - she doesn't know me yet! So, we need to make her comfortable... but not ruin the idealization process that got us this far. So... here's my reply.
Her reply?
Ever-eager for the meetup, she calls on Friday night. I don't answer, but pick up her message on voice mail. Oddly enough, she mentions the strange ethnic style of food that I was going to suggest.
So, if she's mentioning the type of food that I was going to suggest... am I going to lose the idealization opportunity?
Heck no. And it's a mirroring opportunity to boot. I text out:
----------------------
Next morning, I email:
She replies:
And, yes. The date went very well, and led to a 3-month relationship. Unfortunately, some hidden deal-killers kept things from going further... but, certainly, no regrets.
It's clear... she's still eager to meet me. But she's feeling unsafe.
Why?
Because we're meeting in a crowded state park? Probably not. In her profile, she says that she hikes a lot. And she's not fearful of the random guys she might run into.
She's in fear because she's "overheated". She's seeing more romantic potential than I had planned. When I mentioned picnic, I was thinking sack lunches, conversation, and some walking of well-trafficked areas. She's thinking isolation, wine, cheese, and losing control.
Her thoughts are scary to her right now - she doesn't know me yet! So, we need to make her comfortable... but not ruin the idealization process that got us this far. So... here's my reply.
I was figuring that the fall foliage crowds would keep you feeling safe... but I totally understand. (Part of the reason I wanted to avoid restaurants in [City of the park] - they'd probably be mobbed.)Here we go. I'm not saying that I was wrong... I'm just saying that, if she's uncomfortable, I have other places where we can have some fun. And I'm still "leading the way" to the fun.
Anyway, [Town she mentioned] has some things going for it... but [Another town] might be more fun. (The downtown area isn't nearly as fun as [the town I picked]) And I know a couple of good places to eat in [the town I mentioned]...
We'll talk later.
Her reply?
[The city I said] would be great! You name the place. And thanks for understanding. I really appreciate it.
Ever-eager for the meetup, she calls on Friday night. I don't answer, but pick up her message on voice mail. Oddly enough, she mentions the strange ethnic style of food that I was going to suggest.
So, if she's mentioning the type of food that I was going to suggest... am I going to lose the idealization opportunity?
Heck no. And it's a mirroring opportunity to boot. I text out:
LOL - I was going to ask if [ethnicity] would be too weird for you. [Name of restaraunt], 12:00, send u address tomorrow AM.
----------------------
Next morning, I email:
Hey, XXXX!
Don't know if you got my text message... You SO cracked me up - I was going to call and ask if you thought [ethnicity of] food was too weird for you. I guess not. (+5 points)
So, let's meet up at:
[Restaraunt address]
Look forward to meeting you in person!
She replies:
Scott,
Yes, I did - that was awesome. I'm really glad, and I think we're going to have fun. (talks about the local connection to that type of food)
I like to try new things when the opportunity arises. You never know when a rich new experience is going to present itself, and that has given me a very full life. Plus, weird, obscure, offbeat and artsy things are usually interesting.
I'm looking forward to it too...see you tomorrow. :-)
And, yes. The date went very well, and led to a 3-month relationship. Unfortunately, some hidden deal-killers kept things from going further... but, certainly, no regrets.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
War Story: Overheated by email
One recent thread in our Google Group addressed a problem that can often be encountered on eHarmony - communicating with women who, initially seem extremely eager to meet... but then cut off communication suddenly.
There can be a lot of reasons why this might occur. One of the most common?
She gets too excited over email.
And when a woman gets that excited, meeting can become scary.
A few months ago, I managed something similar. Here's how it went.
Starting off? Her guards were way up. She was asking questions that were very premature. And I let her know.
So... This was phase 1, her questions, my answers:
She fast tracked me, I accepted.
Her first message?
(I replied via email, and closed her with the reason, "We're communicating outside of eHarmony")
Obviously, she's ready for a phone call. Foolishly, I waited 48 hours - something that builds tension. Which is what I didn't need to do at this point.
She couldn't wait, and sent another message:
I reply:
She calls (of course). Texts me later in the evening to tell me that she's up until 11. I really was swamped with something else, texted her that I'd call her the next day, she said she understood.
Called the next day. Great phone conversation. (Otherwise, I wouldn't have bothered going further... I actually don't like 'em this easy.) Made a date for two weeks at a "halfway" point that I wanted to visit anyway.
Planning the meetup was a little more difficult that I expected. The highlight was being near fall foliage at a state park... but it's also high tourist season, as well. In other words, lunch places would probably be MOBBED, and they weren't good anyway. So, I throw this email out:
Her response:
She later adds:
Hmm... running a little hotter than I expected. Definitely overromanticizing. And definitely "showing off" to impress me.
This is a dangerous place. As I've pointed out, when romantic excitement doesn't balance comfort, women get scared. And they start to get nervous.
I held off contact, knowing this was a possibility. Sure enough, a few days later, this message arrives:
Now, I'm in a tricky situation.
I need to reset the comfort/tension balance.
And I need to stay idealizable.
How do I do it?
We'll continue tomorrow.
There can be a lot of reasons why this might occur. One of the most common?
She gets too excited over email.
And when a woman gets that excited, meeting can become scary.
A few months ago, I managed something similar. Here's how it went.
Starting off? Her guards were way up. She was asking questions that were very premature. And I let her know.
So... This was phase 1, her questions, my answers:
1. How often do you lose your temper? E) Rarely.
2. Which of the following marriage issues do you fear most? B) fear of marrying the wrong person
3. How important is chemistry to you? E) If it isn't there quickly, there's usually a reason...
4. Where do you see yourself living in 15 years? E) Where opportunity knocks.
5. If you were to marry, how many children would be ideal? E) Asking to bear my children already? I do want them, but this is fast...
She fast tracked me, I accepted.
Her first message?
Subj: Clicked on the wrong question!!!I'm not sure I'm buying it. But she's backing off, because she's interested in me. And I'm sure my "alpha"/idealizable response to her questions helped. So, I'll reduce the tension a little bit. But, clearly, being "alpha" is a part of what got me here... abandoning it would be foolish.
Scott,
I have no idea how that question about kids got in there. I'm sorry about that! I just signed up, and I'm sure I was aiming for something else. Please nix that question and forget about until much later.
Thanks for understanding!
XXXX
Subj: RE: Clicked on the wrong question!!!An enthusiastic response...
No worries. Hope you appreciated the joke. :-)
Anyway, looks like we're in open communication now - which is fine with me. It's a much more normal way to talk.
Anyway, a lot of things on your page do seem interesting... but a little serious. What are some of your guilty pleasures?
- Scott (email address)
Subj: More StuffThis caused me to pause. Usually, with a response this enthusiastic, I'm prompting to go to the phone. But, in my mind, it still seemed too fast for a fast track. I went another round - which served to build tension... And show her that I'm beginning to pay attention.
Hi, Scott. Thanks for understanding. And I always like jokes!
We can also go back to formulated questions if you prefer or if you would find it more helpful.
OK, at this point I'm only going to share superficial guilty pleasures. ;-) Despite the genetic predisposition, I avoid guilt if I can help it. But I sure do like pleasure! And that can be a lot of things. I do feel guilty if I nap because there are so many other things I should be doing. And ice cream. I like [regional brand]. And just about anything that pleases the senses.
What strikes you as serious? Some things are serious to me, some not so much.
What game are you watching in that picture? Do you find that people act differently around you because you [what I do for a living]?
You can also email me at: (XXXXX)
(I replied via email, and closed her with the reason, "We're communicating outside of eHarmony")
Subj: Breaking out of eHarmonyOf course, an enthusiastic reply:
Hello, again!
As for [my job]... Some people are intimidated at first. But when they talk for awhile, things usually get normal. Whatever that means. :-)
Hmm... never spent too much time in a city with [local brand] Ice cream. Always hear good things about it, though...
So... what did you do in your last trip to the woods? Find anything interesting? And, for that matter, what brought you into hockey?
Talk later!
Good morning. By the way, I was really impressed that you said "mitzvah" on your page.
Most of my trips in the woods are just about walking and climbing a few hills. [region] has lots and lots of trails with pretty things to look at - rocks, trees, hills, some animals. I haven't been able to go too much the past 3 months, but I'm trying to get my schedule more freed up.
Hockey was kind of an accident. I was at a party and just started talking to the guy who coordinates the local leagues, and he mentioned that it was co-ed. I watched a few games. It looked like so much fun, I had to try it. It's a blast! (I'm very much a beginner, but it's great fun and the people on the team are becoming friends.)
You seem to have a lot of ecletic tastes. What did you spend your time doing this weekend? What game are you watching in your online photo?
Have a great day today.
XXXX
Obviously, she's ready for a phone call. Foolishly, I waited 48 hours - something that builds tension. Which is what I didn't need to do at this point.
She couldn't wait, and sent another message:
I like when i encounter animals like deer and snakes on the trail. That's always fun.
Hockey tonight was a blast. Ends late, though. My coach's team will be playing in [my city] in February.
How was your day?
I reply:
Glad you had a good day... Got lost in cleaning yesterday - getting
ready for a pumpkin-carving party at my place.
Anyway, I've got more cleaning, a lot of meetings, and a few things
with friends this week... I'm probably not going to be able to keep up
with my email very well. I'd still like to talk some more though -
give me a call at (XXX)XXX-XXXX.
Talk later!
She calls (of course). Texts me later in the evening to tell me that she's up until 11. I really was swamped with something else, texted her that I'd call her the next day, she said she understood.
Called the next day. Great phone conversation. (Otherwise, I wouldn't have bothered going further... I actually don't like 'em this easy.) Made a date for two weeks at a "halfway" point that I wanted to visit anyway.
Planning the meetup was a little more difficult that I expected. The highlight was being near fall foliage at a state park... but it's also high tourist season, as well. In other words, lunch places would probably be MOBBED, and they weren't good anyway. So, I throw this email out:
Hey, XXX
Unfortunately, the lunch options aren't looking all that good - I've
been to the highest-rated restaurant on TripAdvisor, and thought it
was awful.
So... let's do something a little different. I'll pack some lunches, and we can meet up in [State] Park. I figure the [biggest building] is a good place to meet up... we can probably find a picnic table nearby. You can find directions at [web address]
Anything I need to know about before packing a lunch for you? (Food allergies, etc.)
12:00 sound good? (I realize we're both traveling - someone's likely to be early or late.) :-)
And I'll keep an eye out on weather reports, and let you know if I need to come up with a "bad weather" plan.
Talk later!
Her response:
Oh, wow. This is my dream romantic picnic lunch. Watch out, I'm a sucker for stuff like this. Thanks for asking about the allergies. I don't have any, but I don't eat trayf. (I do mix meat and milk, sorry to say.)
I'll bring some wine and cheese...anything else you can think of?
Here are some pics I took of myself this past sunday. No pressure on the time...when you get there, you get there. And if it rains, we'll figure out something else. Looking forward to it!
She later adds:
oh, here's my car so you can see me drive up. her name is [Name]. (includes picture)
Hmm... running a little hotter than I expected. Definitely overromanticizing. And definitely "showing off" to impress me.
This is a dangerous place. As I've pointed out, when romantic excitement doesn't balance comfort, women get scared. And they start to get nervous.
I held off contact, knowing this was a possibility. Sure enough, a few days later, this message arrives:
Scott,
I'm rather new to the online dating thing, but I think it would be better to meet the first time in a public place like a restaurant, and not in the woods. Let's hook up in [small town]. I found this:
[restaraunt weblink]
Or I'm open to other suggestions. [Nearby small town] might have more to offer than [City with the park].
Sorry about the last minute request for a change. Are you OK with this?
I'll follow up with a phone call, too.
Now, I'm in a tricky situation.
I need to reset the comfort/tension balance.
And I need to stay idealizable.
How do I do it?
We'll continue tomorrow.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
"Humor" that doesn't work online
As I've pointed out yesterday, humor can be a useful tool.
But, there are risks.
Humor can display good social skills, but it can also incite anger. Or make you look angry.
Bottom line? When you use humor, make sure that you don't look like you need this:
(Hint: Click on the image to make it bigger)
(The creators of this ad can be found at http://www.sarcasma.net.)
But, there are risks.
Humor can display good social skills, but it can also incite anger. Or make you look angry.
Bottom line? When you use humor, make sure that you don't look like you need this:
(Hint: Click on the image to make it bigger)
(The creators of this ad can be found at http://www.sarcasma.net.)
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Oooh... She's getting angry!
Sadly, it's easy for women to take things the wrong way when you communicate by email. And, once in awhile, women will become angry at the things they misinterpret.
So, how do you handle a woman who's becoming angry?
Here's my advice.
Don't write a hasty response
On those rare occasions that you'll get an angry letter, don't be in a hurry to respond.
Wait at least a day. And strongly consider waiting longer.
Think for a minute. If you're a guy who has a lot of women to meet, why do you want to give your time to someone who's acting hostile?
Take a few hours. Relax. And talk to the normal, happy women.
They deserve a lot more attention than the ones with hair-trigger tempers.
If she's over the line, just close.
If she's being abusive or threatening, she deserves no response. Close her. Period. And consider reporting her behavior to eHarmony.
And thank the lucky stars that you didn't actually meet.
Are there lessons to be learned?
Next, you should ask yourself, "Did I do anything to deserve this angry response?"
If it's something that you've done with a lot of other women - probably not.
But if you tried something new... you know not to try it again.
Your new goal: Walk away, and feel good doing it.
Bottom line? Once a woman turns hostile, attempting to meet her will become a futile effort.
And, really, why do you want to meet someone who's angry with you?
Your time is precious. Spend it with the people who are eager to meet you.
If you must express anger, do it through humor.
Maybe she's offended you in some way with her response. And you're resentful.
It's best not to address your anger at all when you respond. Because, when you act angry, you're telling her that her opinion matters.
She's a stranger. And a stranger that's probably nuts. Her opinion shouldn't matter to you.
If you must address her opinion, do it through humor. Exaggerate.
Something along the lines of, "Drat! You've foiled my evil scheme to...", and exaggerate her implication tenfold.
It still lets her know that she's out of line. And that you're at least unhurt enough to make a joke out of it.
Address her wound
Bottom line? If a woman has such a hair-trigger temper, there's usually a reason.
Go ahead and address her wound. Something along the lines of, "Anyway, it seems like you're pretty stressed out. Especially if you're attacking a guy who's just trying to get to know you a little better."
Tell her good-bye, for now
And, finally, yes. You can, and should tell her that you're not going to waste your time with someone who's so hostile.
But, again, you shouldn't give her the benefit of your anger.
I like to close with something along the lines of, "Anyway, you seemed like a (some genuine one-word compliments) woman... it's too bad that we've met when you're in such a bad emotional space. If you ever get back to a place where you're able to (whatever she should have done instead of blow a hissy fit), shoot me an email at _____.
But, no. Don't expect an email.
Ignore any hostile responses
If you write this message, you should feel good. That's the point of writing messages like this. You're not feeding into her anger - you're just quietly giving her hints to help her in the future.
But, some women might not be happy until you're angry. And you might get some more angry invectives.
Ignore them. You've said everything that you need to.
Close and block.
And move on to the women who are eager to talk to you.
So, how do you handle a woman who's becoming angry?
Here's my advice.
Don't write a hasty response
On those rare occasions that you'll get an angry letter, don't be in a hurry to respond.
Wait at least a day. And strongly consider waiting longer.
Think for a minute. If you're a guy who has a lot of women to meet, why do you want to give your time to someone who's acting hostile?
Take a few hours. Relax. And talk to the normal, happy women.
They deserve a lot more attention than the ones with hair-trigger tempers.
If she's over the line, just close.
If she's being abusive or threatening, she deserves no response. Close her. Period. And consider reporting her behavior to eHarmony.
And thank the lucky stars that you didn't actually meet.
Are there lessons to be learned?
Next, you should ask yourself, "Did I do anything to deserve this angry response?"
If it's something that you've done with a lot of other women - probably not.
But if you tried something new... you know not to try it again.
Your new goal: Walk away, and feel good doing it.
Bottom line? Once a woman turns hostile, attempting to meet her will become a futile effort.
And, really, why do you want to meet someone who's angry with you?
Your time is precious. Spend it with the people who are eager to meet you.
If you must express anger, do it through humor.
Maybe she's offended you in some way with her response. And you're resentful.
It's best not to address your anger at all when you respond. Because, when you act angry, you're telling her that her opinion matters.
She's a stranger. And a stranger that's probably nuts. Her opinion shouldn't matter to you.
If you must address her opinion, do it through humor. Exaggerate.
Something along the lines of, "Drat! You've foiled my evil scheme to...", and exaggerate her implication tenfold.
It still lets her know that she's out of line. And that you're at least unhurt enough to make a joke out of it.
Address her wound
Bottom line? If a woman has such a hair-trigger temper, there's usually a reason.
Go ahead and address her wound. Something along the lines of, "Anyway, it seems like you're pretty stressed out. Especially if you're attacking a guy who's just trying to get to know you a little better."
Tell her good-bye, for now
And, finally, yes. You can, and should tell her that you're not going to waste your time with someone who's so hostile.
But, again, you shouldn't give her the benefit of your anger.
I like to close with something along the lines of, "Anyway, you seemed like a (some genuine one-word compliments) woman... it's too bad that we've met when you're in such a bad emotional space. If you ever get back to a place where you're able to (whatever she should have done instead of blow a hissy fit), shoot me an email at _____.
But, no. Don't expect an email.
Ignore any hostile responses
If you write this message, you should feel good. That's the point of writing messages like this. You're not feeding into her anger - you're just quietly giving her hints to help her in the future.
But, some women might not be happy until you're angry. And you might get some more angry invectives.
Ignore them. You've said everything that you need to.
Close and block.
And move on to the women who are eager to talk to you.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Ways to ruin a number close
So, you feel like you're ready to move away from my open communication templates, and wing it.
That's fine. But there are a lot of very common mistakes that people make when they first try to break away from the templates.
In no particular order, here are some of the most common.
Saying you're busy, acting like you aren't
It's one thing to say that you're a busy guy. But, a lot of guys give subtle hints that they really aren't as busy as they claim to be.
You'll notice that my templates gradually build the grounds for the idea that you're a busy guy. Your emails should do the same.
If you're responding to her emails too quickly, or you're nagging her for not responding quickly enough... it's a sign that you're not really all that busy. At most, write one letter a day - and wait a good long time before writing it. Consider longer pauses, when you want to accentuate your busyness. And if she doesn't respond to a message, wait a week before sending a gentle reminder. (And if you're doing things right, those reminders will be extremely rare.)
If you're writing messages that are longer than my templates... it's a sign that you have the time to write long-winded essays to women that you haven't met.
If you have the time to type out answers to every single question that she asks... you're showing that you're not that busy.
... and if you've got time to argue with her over the fact that she's not giving you a phone number, you're definitely not a busy guy.
Continuing the "sales pitch"
Another key ingredient that you'll notice in my templates... I don't talk much about myself.
You shouldn't need to. You've already shown her that you're an interesting guy. She's already went through three rounds of guided communication. If she's still going... she's interested in learning more about you.
So... I stop selling.
I ask questions about her. Because I'm not sold yet.
It's her job to sell me on the idea of meeting.
And she'll value what she earns. Not on what just appears.
A phone number isn't a favor. It's a way to talk some more.
Most guys on eHarmony will treat a woman's phone number like it's a prize to be won.
If you use my templates, it's not.
It acknowledges that you're both curious about each other. It acknowledges that you're a busy guy, who doesn't have the time to engage in endless cyberchat.
The phone is an answer to a problem. It's not a favor to be won.
And when you don't treat it as a favor... women are comfortable in talking to you.
And if she refuses? Don't beg. Just stay busy. If someone doesn't respond to a phone number request, I generally won't write her for at least a week. When she realizes that you're too busy to engage in cyberchat... she'll either agree to the phone call, or she'll give up.
And it's really that simple.
That's fine. But there are a lot of very common mistakes that people make when they first try to break away from the templates.
In no particular order, here are some of the most common.
Saying you're busy, acting like you aren't
It's one thing to say that you're a busy guy. But, a lot of guys give subtle hints that they really aren't as busy as they claim to be.
You'll notice that my templates gradually build the grounds for the idea that you're a busy guy. Your emails should do the same.
If you're responding to her emails too quickly, or you're nagging her for not responding quickly enough... it's a sign that you're not really all that busy. At most, write one letter a day - and wait a good long time before writing it. Consider longer pauses, when you want to accentuate your busyness. And if she doesn't respond to a message, wait a week before sending a gentle reminder. (And if you're doing things right, those reminders will be extremely rare.)
If you're writing messages that are longer than my templates... it's a sign that you have the time to write long-winded essays to women that you haven't met.
If you have the time to type out answers to every single question that she asks... you're showing that you're not that busy.
... and if you've got time to argue with her over the fact that she's not giving you a phone number, you're definitely not a busy guy.
Continuing the "sales pitch"
Another key ingredient that you'll notice in my templates... I don't talk much about myself.
You shouldn't need to. You've already shown her that you're an interesting guy. She's already went through three rounds of guided communication. If she's still going... she's interested in learning more about you.
So... I stop selling.
I ask questions about her. Because I'm not sold yet.
It's her job to sell me on the idea of meeting.
And she'll value what she earns. Not on what just appears.
A phone number isn't a favor. It's a way to talk some more.
Most guys on eHarmony will treat a woman's phone number like it's a prize to be won.
If you use my templates, it's not.
It acknowledges that you're both curious about each other. It acknowledges that you're a busy guy, who doesn't have the time to engage in endless cyberchat.
The phone is an answer to a problem. It's not a favor to be won.
And when you don't treat it as a favor... women are comfortable in talking to you.
And if she refuses? Don't beg. Just stay busy. If someone doesn't respond to a phone number request, I generally won't write her for at least a week. When she realizes that you're too busy to engage in cyberchat... she'll either agree to the phone call, or she'll give up.
And it's really that simple.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Open Communication: Getting the number
When most guys ask for a woman's phone number on eHarmony, they make it much more of a struggle than it needs to be.
Most guys don't ask for a phone number until they're almost certain that they want to meet.
Of course, the woman senses this quickly. She knows that the guy will come on strong, if she gives the digits.
And if she's not so sure... she's going to want to build her comfort level by extending communication further.
Unfortunately, as the seduction literature has said time and time again, comfort building before attraction is a fast-track to the friend zone.
So, it's understandable why the standard approach doesn't work well. And why my templates do something different.
Bottom line? You're a busy guy. (And you should be.) You're finding a few things that you're cautiously interested in finding more about, as is she. She's asking a lot of questions. This is a good thing.
But you're busy. You don't have time to type long emails. And you certainly don't have hours and hours to have text chats with even your best friends. Much less, a woman you don't even know yet.
Bottom line? The phone (and meeting in person) are the only ways to make this go forward.
For beginners, though, this can be a difficult perception to maintain. Which is why I developed the template system.
But, when you want to skip the templates... it's easy to shatter this perception.
We'll talk about some common mistakes tomorrow.
Most guys don't ask for a phone number until they're almost certain that they want to meet.
Of course, the woman senses this quickly. She knows that the guy will come on strong, if she gives the digits.
And if she's not so sure... she's going to want to build her comfort level by extending communication further.
Unfortunately, as the seduction literature has said time and time again, comfort building before attraction is a fast-track to the friend zone.
So, it's understandable why the standard approach doesn't work well. And why my templates do something different.
Bottom line? You're a busy guy. (And you should be.) You're finding a few things that you're cautiously interested in finding more about, as is she. She's asking a lot of questions. This is a good thing.
But you're busy. You don't have time to type long emails. And you certainly don't have hours and hours to have text chats with even your best friends. Much less, a woman you don't even know yet.
Bottom line? The phone (and meeting in person) are the only ways to make this go forward.
For beginners, though, this can be a difficult perception to maintain. Which is why I developed the template system.
But, when you want to skip the templates... it's easy to shatter this perception.
We'll talk about some common mistakes tomorrow.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Open Communication: This MIGHT be interesting...
A lot of you have been following my eHarmony Open Communication templates, with great success.
But, templates can feel restrictive after awhile. And, soon, you'll probably want to "wing it" a little bit.
And that's a good thing. So, for a little while, let's talk about the elements that make the Open Communication template work.
The first? Showing a proper attitude toward the woman.
As I've mentioned, a lot of guys, when they hit open communication, start to smother the woman with how "perfect" they are, and how they have absolutely so much in common.
And most women find that talking to a guy who's already that "sold" into a relationship, before even meeting, can be a really scary thing.
On the other hand, she's put a lot of effort into communication. So, if you're starting to show that you're disapproving, or you're completely unimpressed... you're headed toward "sour grapes" land.
Your position, obviously, should be between these two extremes.
So, here's where the templates sit - and where you should sit as well.
You've gone through her efforts. Your curiosity is mildly piqued about a few things. You want to find out more.
And you're a little suspicious. A lot of people say that they're things that they're not. So you're looking for consistency. So, you're asking a few more questions, in a friendly manner, just to give her an opportunity to show that she's the "real deal".
This attitude is reassuring to most women - and it's very appropriate. Which is why I've incorporated it into my template.
Of course, there are more ingredients to this "secret sauce". And I'll talk more tomorrow...
But, templates can feel restrictive after awhile. And, soon, you'll probably want to "wing it" a little bit.
And that's a good thing. So, for a little while, let's talk about the elements that make the Open Communication template work.
The first? Showing a proper attitude toward the woman.
As I've mentioned, a lot of guys, when they hit open communication, start to smother the woman with how "perfect" they are, and how they have absolutely so much in common.
And most women find that talking to a guy who's already that "sold" into a relationship, before even meeting, can be a really scary thing.
On the other hand, she's put a lot of effort into communication. So, if you're starting to show that you're disapproving, or you're completely unimpressed... you're headed toward "sour grapes" land.
Your position, obviously, should be between these two extremes.
So, here's where the templates sit - and where you should sit as well.
You've gone through her efforts. Your curiosity is mildly piqued about a few things. You want to find out more.
And you're a little suspicious. A lot of people say that they're things that they're not. So you're looking for consistency. So, you're asking a few more questions, in a friendly manner, just to give her an opportunity to show that she's the "real deal".
This attitude is reassuring to most women - and it's very appropriate. Which is why I've incorporated it into my template.
Of course, there are more ingredients to this "secret sauce". And I'll talk more tomorrow...
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
From the Labs: A new "No response" letter
Well, it finally happened to me. I sent out a first "open communication" letter, a week flew by, and the woman didn't respond.
The pick-up artist community has devised a lot of "no response" letters for these occasions. Most of them use humor, in an attempt to show that they are unaffected by the lack of response.
I've used these types of letters on JDate before. They do work. But I wanted to try something different.
In my mind, a woman who's gone through guided communication has already invested some time in meeting you. If she isn't responding... it's because she's busy, or she's lost interest. And, if she's lost interest, one witty line isn't going to bring it back. In fact, the attempt might be seen as pushing her too hard.
What would be a normal, social, non-pushy way to handle someone who didn't respond to a letter?
I asked myself, "What do I do when I call a friend, leave a message, and he doesn't call back?" I don't write cocky and funny jokes to goad his response. I assume he's busy, go about my life, and call him later.
So, that's exactly what I did with her. A few days later, I left a message, describing (in two short lines) what I did over the weekend... and asked her what she's been up to.
No pressure necessary. She's interested in talking further... or she's not. An attempt to goad her into response just seems silly.
And, yes, it "worked", in the sense that I got a response. But, in the end, the chemistry had been "off" from the beginning (this was the woman who spent her first round questions asking about my views of romance), and it didn't get better with her message. I closed the match.
But, if the reason that she didn't respond was legitimate... I'd have felt a lot better with my response than if I tried to goad her with a "cocky and funny" line.
After all, how awkward would I feel if she responded, "No, I'm not a brat who's playing hard to get. I didn't respond because my father died in an auto accident"?
Maryann says:
I agree with your approach to non-responsiveness. Defensiveness seems to be a real problem with eH. Since it takes so many steps to get to open communication, including must haves/ can’t stands, there is a lot of negativity and skepticism between first reading a profile/viewing a pic and actually carrying on a conversation. Giving matches the benefit of the doubt demonstrates advanced relationship skills and self-confidence.
The pick-up artist community has devised a lot of "no response" letters for these occasions. Most of them use humor, in an attempt to show that they are unaffected by the lack of response.
I've used these types of letters on JDate before. They do work. But I wanted to try something different.
In my mind, a woman who's gone through guided communication has already invested some time in meeting you. If she isn't responding... it's because she's busy, or she's lost interest. And, if she's lost interest, one witty line isn't going to bring it back. In fact, the attempt might be seen as pushing her too hard.
What would be a normal, social, non-pushy way to handle someone who didn't respond to a letter?
I asked myself, "What do I do when I call a friend, leave a message, and he doesn't call back?" I don't write cocky and funny jokes to goad his response. I assume he's busy, go about my life, and call him later.
So, that's exactly what I did with her. A few days later, I left a message, describing (in two short lines) what I did over the weekend... and asked her what she's been up to.
No pressure necessary. She's interested in talking further... or she's not. An attempt to goad her into response just seems silly.
And, yes, it "worked", in the sense that I got a response. But, in the end, the chemistry had been "off" from the beginning (this was the woman who spent her first round questions asking about my views of romance), and it didn't get better with her message. I closed the match.
But, if the reason that she didn't respond was legitimate... I'd have felt a lot better with my response than if I tried to goad her with a "cocky and funny" line.
After all, how awkward would I feel if she responded, "No, I'm not a brat who's playing hard to get. I didn't respond because my father died in an auto accident"?
Maryann says:
I agree with your approach to non-responsiveness. Defensiveness seems to be a real problem with eH. Since it takes so many steps to get to open communication, including must haves/ can’t stands, there is a lot of negativity and skepticism between first reading a profile/viewing a pic and actually carrying on a conversation. Giving matches the benefit of the doubt demonstrates advanced relationship skills and self-confidence.
Friday, August 3, 2007
Are the open communication templates manipulative?
A lot of readers have difficulty in following my open communication template. (Scroll to the bottom, and read backward, if you're not familiar with it.)
I suppose, in a way, it runs a little differently than previous sections of the eHarmony Cracked system. Because, in profile building and guided communication, I endorse the concept of fearlessness, rather than following a script.
So, when people see this section, they start to think: I'm really following a script here. And I can see that Scott really believes that this script is effective. And it does make sense. But using time pressure seems manipulative, doesn't it?
Not really.
The fact is, you should have a life outside of eHarmony.
And, if you don't have one, you should be spending time building one.
So, let's establish your life (or the life you're building) as being important. Do you really want to sacrifice it for someone you haven't met? Of course not - you are a busy guy.
So... stand up for yourself. You'll find that women understand and respect the need to accommodate your busy life.
And after all - all you're asking for is a phone number. People give them out every day. After exchanging a lot less information that you've shared in guided communication.
I suppose, in a way, it runs a little differently than previous sections of the eHarmony Cracked system. Because, in profile building and guided communication, I endorse the concept of fearlessness, rather than following a script.
So, when people see this section, they start to think: I'm really following a script here. And I can see that Scott really believes that this script is effective. And it does make sense. But using time pressure seems manipulative, doesn't it?
Not really.
The fact is, you should have a life outside of eHarmony.
And, if you don't have one, you should be spending time building one.
So, let's establish your life (or the life you're building) as being important. Do you really want to sacrifice it for someone you haven't met? Of course not - you are a busy guy.
So... stand up for yourself. You'll find that women understand and respect the need to accommodate your busy life.
And after all - all you're asking for is a phone number. People give them out every day. After exchanging a lot less information that you've shared in guided communication.
Monday, July 30, 2007
When she's not so hot...
When the earliest members of the internet pickup artist community began their experiments, they focused on what people needed to do to in order to get laid by the hottest women they could find in the bars.
But, when you restrict yourself to the "hotties", you develop rules that work on the "hotties". But may not work so well with others.
To take an extreme example? The rule, "Don't buy drinks for a woman". For a woman who's 9 or 10... this rule is valid. Lots of guys buy drinks for them, and when you join the herd, you've become a disposable tool. But when someone isn't all that hot... it's less common. And buying a drink may get some attention. (Of course, with a woman like this, a confident and friendly "Hello", and some interesting conversation will probably work just as well.)
The same thing goes with some of the tools I've elaborated upon. They're good for women who are attractive. But, if a woman doesn't feel like she's very (conventionally) attractive, you can get a self-esteem meltdown using these techniques.
So, how can you calibrate the system? Here's a rough guide.
First - calibrate yourself. Rate women on www.hotornot.com , and keep going until you can tell what ratings women usually earn.
If she doesn't show pictures - treat her like an 8 or above. The most common reason people don't show pictures is because they're not motivated... and little can be done to attract such people. The second most common reason is because they're hot, and tired of the attention that their pictures earn them.
Here's a rough guide on how I'd calibrate technique:
5 or below: Women are VERY fragile. Be VERY friendly. Don't show any disinterest, let her know that she's starting to meet your standards. Still, don't gush with the compliments, and don't act like she's a sure thing. Don't ask hard questions. I'd use a sincere compliment, and a comment on what you have in common instead of an "observe and challenge" in the open communication template.
6-7's : Be friendly. One hard question per phase AT MOST. Never be critical. Don't show any disinterest, show some genuine interest and curiosity. Imply (but do not state) that she's starting to meet your standards. Don't tease. Go with an "observe and challenge", but be a LOT more funny than cocky.
8's : Standard technique.
9-10's : Good job in attracting their attention. Ask hard questions, but don't be outright critical. Don't let her think she's winning. Let her know that you've got a lot of other women chasing you... but you haven't met the right person yet. Make 'em work to reel you in.
But, when you restrict yourself to the "hotties", you develop rules that work on the "hotties". But may not work so well with others.
To take an extreme example? The rule, "Don't buy drinks for a woman". For a woman who's 9 or 10... this rule is valid. Lots of guys buy drinks for them, and when you join the herd, you've become a disposable tool. But when someone isn't all that hot... it's less common. And buying a drink may get some attention. (Of course, with a woman like this, a confident and friendly "Hello", and some interesting conversation will probably work just as well.)
The same thing goes with some of the tools I've elaborated upon. They're good for women who are attractive. But, if a woman doesn't feel like she's very (conventionally) attractive, you can get a self-esteem meltdown using these techniques.
So, how can you calibrate the system? Here's a rough guide.
First - calibrate yourself. Rate women on www.hotornot.com , and keep going until you can tell what ratings women usually earn.
If she doesn't show pictures - treat her like an 8 or above. The most common reason people don't show pictures is because they're not motivated... and little can be done to attract such people. The second most common reason is because they're hot, and tired of the attention that their pictures earn them.
Here's a rough guide on how I'd calibrate technique:
5 or below: Women are VERY fragile. Be VERY friendly. Don't show any disinterest, let her know that she's starting to meet your standards. Still, don't gush with the compliments, and don't act like she's a sure thing. Don't ask hard questions. I'd use a sincere compliment, and a comment on what you have in common instead of an "observe and challenge" in the open communication template.
6-7's : Be friendly. One hard question per phase AT MOST. Never be critical. Don't show any disinterest, show some genuine interest and curiosity. Imply (but do not state) that she's starting to meet your standards. Don't tease. Go with an "observe and challenge", but be a LOT more funny than cocky.
8's : Standard technique.
9-10's : Good job in attracting their attention. Ask hard questions, but don't be outright critical. Don't let her think she's winning. Let her know that you've got a lot of other women chasing you... but you haven't met the right person yet. Make 'em work to reel you in.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
What you say when you "observe and challenge".
People who are following my template for the first open communication letter are often confused with the "observe and challenge" section.
I don't blame you. This section, when successfully accomplished, demonstrates and accomplishes a lot of things... in spite of the fact that it's only one or two sentences.
For one, it demonstrates that you're a quality person, looking for another quality person. You value yourself, and your time. You don't just talk to anybody. You read the profiles. (I hear so many complaints from women about men who don't...) And when you read the profile, you noticed something that interested you. But, being a quality person, you're not completely convinced by her words alone... she needs to demonstrate that she's "for real".
Receiving this, overall, should be considered a compliment. It implies that the two of you share some things in common that are worth exploring. And it shows the woman that, if she is the real deal (which she probably is, at least in her mind), that you'll reward her with your interest. And like I said before, women value the things they have to work for... not the things that fall into their laps. And the beauty is... she can hook you in by doing something that she already enjoys doing.
Overall, she should imagine you as a friendly, social person, with a sense of humor. Someone who shares some things in common with her, and is, potentially a great catch... that just needs to be reeled in with a little effort.
The most common errors at this phase?
I don't blame you. This section, when successfully accomplished, demonstrates and accomplishes a lot of things... in spite of the fact that it's only one or two sentences.
For one, it demonstrates that you're a quality person, looking for another quality person. You value yourself, and your time. You don't just talk to anybody. You read the profiles. (I hear so many complaints from women about men who don't...) And when you read the profile, you noticed something that interested you. But, being a quality person, you're not completely convinced by her words alone... she needs to demonstrate that she's "for real".
Receiving this, overall, should be considered a compliment. It implies that the two of you share some things in common that are worth exploring. And it shows the woman that, if she is the real deal (which she probably is, at least in her mind), that you'll reward her with your interest. And like I said before, women value the things they have to work for... not the things that fall into their laps. And the beauty is... she can hook you in by doing something that she already enjoys doing.
Overall, she should imagine you as a friendly, social person, with a sense of humor. Someone who shares some things in common with her, and is, potentially a great catch... that just needs to be reeled in with a little effort.
The most common errors at this phase?
- That you're pointing out an area of dissimilarity, rather than confirming a similarity.
- Coming off as unfriendly, harsh, or critical. Being too cocky, and not social, friendly, or funny.
- That you're setting an impossible standard for her.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Communication clinic: Raising the friendly factor
In the comments section, "Uncle Fester" states that a couple of matches have closed him after sending the first open communication letter.
Usually, two closures leaves very little reason to analyze your results. However, in my experience, a woman closing after the first open message is a very rare thing. In fact, since I started my system, it's never happened to me. So, let's see what might be going on here.
Here's one of his messages, in it's entirety.
Hi (her), Finally - past the multiple choice stuff, we can talk like grownups now. Thought I would get off a quick note before heading out to the (local baseball team) game tonight. My weeknights can be somewhat unpredictable, this came together at the last minute.
You mentioned "style" in your Must Have's. Martha Stewart style? Billy Dee Williams style? Hmmm?
It'd be nice to meet or talk sometime but for now, some easier questions... what's the last movie you saw? Are you from this area originally? (Don't worry, almost nobody is) Looking forward to your reply. Off to the game. (me)
I think we have a classic beginner's mistake. I know, because I repeated the same mistake many times. Still do, on occasion.
He's clearly understood one lesson: Don't put her on a pedestal. Make her qualify for you before making any sort of commitment. This may be a change from the way that he pursued women in the past.
But when you're correcting old patterns of behavior, people often overcompensate. And, as a result, they rail about how they're not sold... but miss the "pull" effect of telling her about how you're intrigued.
Let's go over this slowly, shall we?
Here's his pleasantry:
Hi (her), Finally - past the multiple choice stuff, we can talk like grownups now.
As far as pleasantries go... this isn't very pleasant. It dismisses the previous communication, some of which she may have worked hard on answering. That effort does need to be recognized.
If you need to go "double sided" with this statement, you can say something like, "Thanks for going through guided communication with me. I've learned a lot, but, frankly, I'm happy that we can talk like grownups now."
But, frankly, I don't recommend that beginners start with double-sided pleasantries. Start with simple ones, then experiment. That way, you'll know if something isn't working.
Let's move on to the time constraint:
Thought I would get off a quick note before heading out to the (local baseball team) game tonight. My weeknights can be somewhat unpredictable, this came together at the last minute.
Not bad. I think the pickup artist classic of varying the line, "I've got to get back to my friends" might be a little friendlier. It's easier to fault a guy for being a little late for a game than to abandon friends.
Now, "observe and challenge":
You mentioned "style" in your Must Have's. Martha Stewart style? Billy Dee Williams style? Hmmm?
Here's the weakest point. The point of the "observe and challenge" is to pick something interesting that tweaked your interest... and gently challenge her to see if she's for real. But this may come off as challenging the character of a woman for putting something down as a "must-have". So, again, she may be feeling dismissed.
If you are a stylish guy, I might make the similarity more apparent. For example: Hey, I'm glad you appreciate a sense of style. Unless you think that those "I'm with stupid" T-shirts are still stylish... in which case... well... (Okay, I'm not fashion-conscious enough to come up with a subtler fashion faux-pas. But, you get the idea.)
Basically, pick something she likes to talk about, and force her to brag a little more. Or, say that she's not an obsessed fan.
On to planting seeds / asking questions...
It'd be nice to meet or talk sometime but for now, some easier questions... what's the last movie you saw? Are you from this area originally? (Don't worry, almost nobody is)
I'd prefer, "It might be nice" to "It'd be nice". It doesn't put as much pressure on.
I'd also move away from "easier" to "more fun" questions. "Easier" implies you're lowering your standards.
Subtle points? Maybe.
Looking forward to your reply. Off to the game. (me)
In the earlier context... you're fine.
In short, you have standards... and you're not sold yet. But you are appreciating what you've learned, so you're continuing the process.
And if you've shown promise in the earlier phases... she should feel happy about that prospect.
Tomorrow's column will also be late... but I've reached a very good turning point in my life. And I feel a rant coming on...
Usually, two closures leaves very little reason to analyze your results. However, in my experience, a woman closing after the first open message is a very rare thing. In fact, since I started my system, it's never happened to me. So, let's see what might be going on here.
Here's one of his messages, in it's entirety.
Hi (her), Finally - past the multiple choice stuff, we can talk like grownups now. Thought I would get off a quick note before heading out to the (local baseball team) game tonight. My weeknights can be somewhat unpredictable, this came together at the last minute.
You mentioned "style" in your Must Have's. Martha Stewart style? Billy Dee Williams style? Hmmm?
It'd be nice to meet or talk sometime but for now, some easier questions... what's the last movie you saw? Are you from this area originally? (Don't worry, almost nobody is) Looking forward to your reply. Off to the game. (me)
I think we have a classic beginner's mistake. I know, because I repeated the same mistake many times. Still do, on occasion.
He's clearly understood one lesson: Don't put her on a pedestal. Make her qualify for you before making any sort of commitment. This may be a change from the way that he pursued women in the past.
But when you're correcting old patterns of behavior, people often overcompensate. And, as a result, they rail about how they're not sold... but miss the "pull" effect of telling her about how you're intrigued.
Let's go over this slowly, shall we?
Here's his pleasantry:
Hi (her), Finally - past the multiple choice stuff, we can talk like grownups now.
As far as pleasantries go... this isn't very pleasant. It dismisses the previous communication, some of which she may have worked hard on answering. That effort does need to be recognized.
If you need to go "double sided" with this statement, you can say something like, "Thanks for going through guided communication with me. I've learned a lot, but, frankly, I'm happy that we can talk like grownups now."
But, frankly, I don't recommend that beginners start with double-sided pleasantries. Start with simple ones, then experiment. That way, you'll know if something isn't working.
Let's move on to the time constraint:
Thought I would get off a quick note before heading out to the (local baseball team) game tonight. My weeknights can be somewhat unpredictable, this came together at the last minute.
Not bad. I think the pickup artist classic of varying the line, "I've got to get back to my friends" might be a little friendlier. It's easier to fault a guy for being a little late for a game than to abandon friends.
Now, "observe and challenge":
You mentioned "style" in your Must Have's. Martha Stewart style? Billy Dee Williams style? Hmmm?
Here's the weakest point. The point of the "observe and challenge" is to pick something interesting that tweaked your interest... and gently challenge her to see if she's for real. But this may come off as challenging the character of a woman for putting something down as a "must-have". So, again, she may be feeling dismissed.
If you are a stylish guy, I might make the similarity more apparent. For example: Hey, I'm glad you appreciate a sense of style. Unless you think that those "I'm with stupid" T-shirts are still stylish... in which case... well... (Okay, I'm not fashion-conscious enough to come up with a subtler fashion faux-pas. But, you get the idea.)
Basically, pick something she likes to talk about, and force her to brag a little more. Or, say that she's not an obsessed fan.
On to planting seeds / asking questions...
It'd be nice to meet or talk sometime but for now, some easier questions... what's the last movie you saw? Are you from this area originally? (Don't worry, almost nobody is)
I'd prefer, "It might be nice" to "It'd be nice". It doesn't put as much pressure on.
I'd also move away from "easier" to "more fun" questions. "Easier" implies you're lowering your standards.
Subtle points? Maybe.
Looking forward to your reply. Off to the game. (me)
In the earlier context... you're fine.
In short, you have standards... and you're not sold yet. But you are appreciating what you've learned, so you're continuing the process.
And if you've shown promise in the earlier phases... she should feel happy about that prospect.
Tomorrow's column will also be late... but I've reached a very good turning point in my life. And I feel a rant coming on...
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Researchers agree: Advance when you can touch.
Faithful readers have already understood my eHarmony strategy - meet quickly, and don't hit on a woman until you actually meet her. When you meet her, you have the advantages of being able to use touch, body language, and vocal tone.
In one of our past columns, I presented some research that justified the first half of that statement. Essentially, people who present too much information to a woman before meeting her have worse results.
Now, thanks to eHarmony's research blog, we now have research supporting the second half of that statement. Women respond much better to the suggestion of advancing a relationship when you're able to touch her.
Although the original research article isn't available on the web, another article by the same author is also very compelling.
Hmm... It makes me think I need to touch people more even when I'm not dating them...
In one of our past columns, I presented some research that justified the first half of that statement. Essentially, people who present too much information to a woman before meeting her have worse results.
Now, thanks to eHarmony's research blog, we now have research supporting the second half of that statement. Women respond much better to the suggestion of advancing a relationship when you're able to touch her.
Although the original research article isn't available on the web, another article by the same author is also very compelling.
Hmm... It makes me think I need to touch people more even when I'm not dating them...
Friday, May 18, 2007
Confronting the annoyances...
In yesterday's column, I explained one method that can be used (sparingly) to get a woman to address touchy subjects. Again, this technique needs to be used very sparingly. At most, once during an interaction. If she's still resisting... there's usually a good reason. And I'm willing to bet that it's a reason that you'd avoid her.
Must Haves/Can't Stands mismatch
Wrong way: I noticed that you put "honest" in your must haves list. What are your expectations here?
Better way: I noticed that you put "honest" in your must haves list. You're not, like, one of these women who'll bug my phones and hire private detectives to make sure that I'm honest... are you?
Best way: Meet the woman. You'll find out soon enough.
No photo
Wrong way: You know, I've given you photos, and I think it's unfair that you haven't given me any.
Better way: Hmm... no photos. Are you wanted by the FBI? If I decide to meet you, I'd really like to make sure that I make it home alive...
Not answering questions
Wrong way: I need answers, here, or I just can't see anything happening.
Better way: Wow. No answers. Were you, like, the kid I met in 3rd grade who shoved the dice up her nose when I was trying to play a game with her?
Asking nosy personal questions
Wrong way: That's really personal. What gives you the right to ask?
Better way: Hey, you're not from the tabloids are you? THAT information will cost you...
Getting the idea, yet?
Have fun, guys.
Monday: Results of my latest research project... This will help your results.
Must Haves/Can't Stands mismatch
Wrong way: I noticed that you put "honest" in your must haves list. What are your expectations here?
Better way: I noticed that you put "honest" in your must haves list. You're not, like, one of these women who'll bug my phones and hire private detectives to make sure that I'm honest... are you?
Best way: Meet the woman. You'll find out soon enough.
No photo
Wrong way: You know, I've given you photos, and I think it's unfair that you haven't given me any.
Better way: Hmm... no photos. Are you wanted by the FBI? If I decide to meet you, I'd really like to make sure that I make it home alive...
Not answering questions
Wrong way: I need answers, here, or I just can't see anything happening.
Better way: Wow. No answers. Were you, like, the kid I met in 3rd grade who shoved the dice up her nose when I was trying to play a game with her?
Asking nosy personal questions
Wrong way: That's really personal. What gives you the right to ask?
Better way: Hey, you're not from the tabloids are you? THAT information will cost you...
Getting the idea, yet?
Have fun, guys.
Monday: Results of my latest research project... This will help your results.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)