War Story: No Pictures, Plenty of Problems.

One of the questions that people most commonly email me is, "What do you do when someone doesn't put up a picture?"

Most of the time... it isn't a problem. Since I've been doing this, almost no women have had the guts to enter open communication without a photo. The vast majority of people who don't provide photos are "window shoppers" who don't respond to questions.

I've only had one recent exception. Our communication was interesting, to say the least.

Since I (of course) initiated, she wrote the first letter....

---

Subject: Hi
Message: Hi Scott,

I hope you're having a good weekend. Are you doing anything special for the long weekend? What do you like to do in your free time?

I'd love for you to tell me more about yourself. Have you always lived in ______? How/why did you decide to become a _____? Your first job sounds like a learning experience--how did you decide to move on? Are you pleased with your current job?

Have a great afternoon,

(Her name)

---

Well, I've clearly piqued her interest.

Right now, it's a matter of principle.

She wants me to write long essays describing myself, when she hasn't even provided a photo? Considering she lives 2 hours away?

That's just plain disrespectful, in my humble opinion.

But, it is, in a way, pretty funny. I don't know who she is, or even if she's for real... and she wants me to write a book for her, for just the faint glimmer of hope that I'll be able to meet her.

I can have a lot of fun with that.

It follows the same gist as my usual opening email, but centers the "challenge" and "questions" around her lack of a photo.

And, yes, I've adapted the punchline from Dave M. But he frequently writes about it in his free email list... so I don't think he'll mind seeing it here.

---

Sender: Scott
Subject: RE: Hi

Message: Hi, _____! I've gotta run to join some friends, but I just wanted to touch base quickly. It's nice to be able to talk to each other (sort of) like normal people!

Anyway, you do seem like an interesting, dedicated, and intelligent woman. If you ARE a woman, that is. It's hard to tell, when you aren't providing photos...

Talk later!

- Scott

---

Ever the intrigued one, she wrote back hours later...

---

Subject: RE: Hi
Message: Hi Scott,

Let me assure you that I am definitely a woman! Sorry about not having a picture. It's a bit of a story, but I'm working on it.

Have a good evening,

(Her name)

---

Normally, I'd close at this point. It's clear that she's either so egotistic that she expects me to write books for her in exchange for little in return... or she's hiding something. But, I wanted to prepare this as a potential war story for the blog... so, I amplified the tension. And the joke.

---

Sender: Scott
Subject: RE: Hi

Message: That's exactly what "Talia" said.

Wait a minute...

---

She's intrigued. I've set the bar - if she wants to get to know me, she's got to show that she's not hiding something behind the lack of photo. And she's only earning dismissive one-liners until then... (In fact, I'm not even bothering to change subject lines.) But, undeterred, she tries again.

---

Subject: RE: Hi
Date: 05/28/07 06:44PM

Message: You have to share this story! Who is Talia and what happened? I'm on the edge of my chair!

---

Nice try... but until she starts sharing, she's getting more of the same...

(Yes, Talia is real, and it is a good story, but sharing it would be rewarding her bad behavior.)

---

Sender: Scott
Subject: RE: Hi

Message: Cool. I've always wanted to know how to keep a cross-dresser in suspense...

---

A week passes. And, clearly, she's pretty stressed out, based on the multiple misspellings in this letter:

---

Subject: RE: Hi

Message: The one liners are really getting old. You have yet to answer any question I have asked and have used rude humor. Just for your information, I recently moved back to ______ because my father was diagnosed with lung cancer and most of my belongings are still in storage. Inbetween working and caring for him I've been building a life for myself and posting a picutre has not been my first priority. If you want to see a pictur of me, you can go to jdate. My user name is _________. Good luck to you.

---

Mystery solved. This is what she was hiding, and why she's having so much difficulty seeing outside of herself. I feel bad for her. But I also know that, until she's got her life in order... she's not ready for the kind of relationship that I want.

I didn't even look her photo up. Instead, I wrote this letter.

Yes, I went into "lecture mode" a bit, which is not effective for "pickup". But this isn't about pickup anymore.

---

Sender: Scott
Subject: Sorry...
Message: I didn't realize what you must be going through right now. I still can't imagine what it's like for you. My prayers are with you during this difficult time.

When you're at a point in your life where talking to a guy isn't a burden, a little banter can be fun, and you can see that the photo itself was not the point... feel free to email me at ______.

Best of luck.

---

And I closed the match.

Sometimes, the victory isn't getting the girl. It's keeping yourself safe and sane... and holding out for what you want.

By the way, when I went back to "Closed matches" to copy this transcript, I noticed that she has, since, put up a photo.

And, yes, she is really overweight.

You may be missing out...

In the last week alone, our Google Group has discussed a lot of things that aren't on the blog. Among these:

• Age limits
• Ways to tell if a woman has read your profile
• What you can (and can't) do with an expired account

People are also talking about getting feedback from their fellow members about their profiles and communications...

Frankly, it's a better start than I expected.

And if you're not a member of this group.. you're definitely missing out on a lot of great information and discussion.

So... why delay? Join now!

Should I wait for her to open?

Yesterday, I described my "one week test". In my beta-tester's hands, it was a pretty good method to see if your profile is successful in hooking womens' interest.

Some of you may be asking me, "Should I usually wait for a woman to open communication?"

Probably not.

First of all - a lot of women, especially those new to online "dating", are still nervous about making initial contact with a man. So, if you don't make the initial contact, you're just not going to reach this group of women.

But, perhaps even more importantly, attractive women get plenty of attention from guys.

In fact, it can be overwhelming. My welcome packet goes into a lot of detail on this.

And when a woman is overwhelmed, she probably won't open the contacts that aren't contacting her. And if she doesn't open your profile, you won't get anywhere.

So... if you're interested, don't let her sit around. Open her.

And if you're not interested... don't let her block you from receiving further matches.

How do you know when your profile works?

Okay, you've tuned your profile, and you think it's intriguing.

How do you know if it's really working?

Back when I beta-tested the eHarmony Cracked system, I devised something that I call the "One week test."

Basically, put your profile up for a week. Get new matches coming in. (At that time, I told them to log in daily and request matches. Today, I'd tell them to run the eHarmony Blog Script.) But don't initiate communication with anyone.

At the end of the week, see what percentage of women initiated contact on their own.

My beta-testers were experienced online daters, who were becoming quite successful on other sites. Before they received any instruction from me, their percentages ran into the 10% range.

When they started to follow my profile building advice, percentages ran into the 50-70% range.

So... if you're really wondering whether your "hooks" are doing the job... run this test. Then, you'll know.

Last call for contest entries...

Just to remind all you programmers out there...

Our contest is still running.

So far... the only entry is the original eHarmony Blog script.

And if you develop the best eHarmony Match management software (and right now, that bar is set awfully low), you're entitled to:

• A personal consultation with me. (And my personal time is valuable. I will rarely offer it, at any price.)
• You'll keep the intellectual rights to your software.
• You'll be able to charge future developers for the rights to use your code as a base for better programs.
  
• You have a ready audience for "improved" versions of your program... and the right to charge as much as the market will bear.

Not bad, if you ask me.

I'd enter myself... but the last time I wrote computer code was on a TRS-80 with 48K of RAM.

Okay, I pulled a little bit of a trick there...

Okay, I pulled a little trick with yesterday's article.

You know those cliches that women use?

A lot of men use the same ones.

And, when women read these cliches, they react the same way that we do.

We roll our eyes, and go, "Oh no... not another one." And that's not the reaction that we want.

Some cliches, however, are unique to men...

Remember, "I love watching (the local sports team)?"

This is the female version of "I like typical guy things." So, when men try to do this, they put in typical girl things. The mildest versions include enjoying the arts. In it's most extreme form... you see romantic strolls on the beach, chick flicks, flowers... you get the idea.

But if you really are one of those guys?

First of all, don't make it a bribe.

Second, don't be vague. Be very specific. If you are an artist, describe your work. If you like certain types of art, describe what you like, and how it expands you. It's this level of specificity that will separate you from the phonies that swarm eHarmony.

And if you really are that guy... it shouldn't be hard to do.

The Drinking Game

You'll hear a lot of things from me about cliches to avoid.

But, let's face it. Women's profiles have a lot of cliches, too.

So, just for a break of pace, when you're ready to have a drinking game with your buddies... Go over your closed profiles, and have a drink when you hit one of these babies.

I guarantee - you'll be good and plastered in an hour. Probably less.

• "I love to travel."
• "I like the outdoors."
• "I like to go out, but I like quiet evenings too."
• "I'm really into (local sports team)." (And it's almost always a lie...)
• "I look and act a lot younger." (Red flag - she's hiding her age...)
• "I'm tired of playing games." / "I'm ready for a real relationship."
  
• "I love my (dog or cat)"
• "I just moved from ____"
• "I'm usually shy at first..."
• "I love my (son/daughter) more than anything."
• "(Referring to a picture with a child) That's a picture of my nephew."
• Answers to the "Book you most recently enjoyed": "The Secret", "The Notebook", Harry Potter, or The DaVinci Code.
  
• Answer to "Non-physical trait most people notice" : "My smile."
• "I work hard, but I play hard too."

I'm sure we can come up with more... leave a comment.

War Jounal, 6/25/07

Last week's match hasn't responded to my communication request... and will probably be purged this week.

One new match this week - lives 4 hours drive away. She'd have to seem pretty spectacular for me to consider it... and she didn't. Closed.

Geez, less than 1 match per week over the last month. That's not good...

Winning the eHarMoney game...

As you've noticed, eHarmony promotional rates are common. And they're quite substantial.

Without a promotional code, eHarmony can cost $60 per month - making it one of the most expensive "online dating" services.

With a promotional code, eHarmony can cost $20 per month - making it one of the cheapest.

Obviously, eHarmony doesn't provide discounts this substantial without some conditions. These discounts are only offered to people who have allowed their subscriptions to lapse, or who never started to pay for the service.

Not a big deal, you say. If you wait until your subscription expires, you're eligible to use a promotional code, right?

Well, recently, eHarmony got tricky.

If you don't call to cancel your subscription... they will automatically renew it. They'll give you a small discount for autorenewal, but it's not nearly as much as you can get with a promotional code.

And if you cancel your subscription - your entire profile will disappear. You've got to call eHarmony, and beg them to reopen your account. And, unless you're a very smooth negotiator, you won't get the promotional discount.

So, how can you still use promotional codes?

Well, I happen to have a Visa gift card handy. To eHarmony, it looks just like a regular Visa card. But it only has $2 left on it.

So... when it comes time for autorenewal - I get an email letting me know that my card has been declined.

Ignore the email a few times, and they'll eventually let the account expire.

(Actually... they'll keep your account open a few extra days. Which is awfully nice of them....)

And now, you have an open, expired account. So you're eligible for the promotional code.

Use the code, put in a valid credit card, renew.

Wait awhile longer, change it back to the gift card.

Repeat as necessary.

And that's how to beat them at their own game.

Oh, and if you don't know where to get a Visa gift card... here's Visa's listings of where they can be bought.

When your targets don't measure up...

People who are following my profile building advice aren't building generic, inoffensive profiles. They're building profiles that will intrigue the women that they're interested in... and chase others away.

And it's a really tricky thing to do.

When I first got my profile to a point where it drew a lot of women's interest, good things started to happen. Women responded quickly. They put effort into answering my questions. They were eager for the phone call, and for the first meeting.

The problem was... the women had predictable faults. It seemed like they weren't looking for normal relationships. They were people who were struggling with problems, and were looking for a man to support them.

I started to look critically at my profile, and asking myself, "Why am I drawing in all these problematic people?"

Then, it hit me.

I'm a pretty altruistic guy. And my profile reflected that. After all, I wanted to attract like-minded people.

Unfortunately, it painted me as a perfect target for people who want to take advantage of my altruistic nature.

So, I modified my profile to reflect a better balance between helping others and taking care of myself.

The problem was solved. And I've been a lot happier with my matches ever since I did that.

So... if it feels like you're attracting the wrong type of people, take a second look at your profile. You may be accidentally aiming at the wrong target.

"Cliche photos" revisited

Wow. I really didn't expect to hear so much feedback from my article on photo cliches.

I admit it. I use a bit of dramatic hyperbole. It makes the blog a little more entertaining. And the entertainment factor is important - who wants to spend time reading boring articles?

No, you're not doomed to failure if your photos are all cliched. As both men and women have pointed out - most people don't provide interesting (or even good) photos.

And I look at that as an opportunity to separate yourself from the crowd.

Yes, if you miss it... there are other opportunities. But this is a good one.

One reader asks, "What photos can I put up that aren't cliches?"

That depends on you.

When you talk with friends about what you do... what things do they ask the most about?

If you play guitar, show pictures of yourself playing at a party or a concert.

If you're an artist, have a picture where you're spinning a pot, or painting a picture.

If you've been to unusual places - have pictures with those interesting and unusual things in the background. (But be warned - generic beach and wilderness scenes are common. What makes the photo interesting is that you're not at an ordinary place.)

What are you trying to do?

You're providing photographic proof that you are the person that you say you are. You look more genuine than the folks that provide "generic" pictures. And you're providing photos that women will look at... and ask you questions about.

Because unresolved questions generate intrigue. And that's a good thing.

PS - Another thing that came up in the feedback - it's always been conventional wisdom not to put other women in your pictures... but a lot of pick-up artists are challenging that convention. I don't do it, myself. But it might work for them - because they're going for women who like competition, and want a man who won't go mushy-kneed around an attractive woman. What do you guys think? The comments section and Google Group forums are open...

A new feature!

One-way conversations can be so boring...

I'd like to hear what you guys have to say.

So... I've created a place where you guys can do the talking.

When you sign onto our Google Group, you'll be able to have conversations with your fellow members. And not just me.

Because, let's face it. I don't know everything.

Enjoy!

War Story: "Can't Stand Pornography"

Awhile ago, I ran into a match that was beginning to look intriguing.

Communication began, and pretty soon, we exchanged our "Must Haves/Can't Stands" lists.

Well, she was the only match that I've ever had who put "Can't stand someone who watches pornography" on her list.

And that struck me as unusual.

Certainly, there are some major issues that could be put on such a list... this seems like a small one.

No, I'm not into pornography. That wasn't an issue for me. But my mind raced. Why would she choose that as a can't stand? Does she have some problems with sexuality that I don't want to deal with?

It puzzled me.

So what did I do about it?

I ignored it.

Why?

Because, in the end... you don't need to answer every potential problem before the first meeting.

During the first few dates... all you can figure out is if you like each other, and if you have chemistry. And one of the surest ways to kill those things... is to ask intrusive questions too early.

So, I kept it in the back of my mind... but I left it there.

Eventually (several dates later), I mentioned that I thought it was odd. Not that it was a problem, but it just seemed unusual. I never got a definite answer as to why. But she did mention that several men had questioned her about it before meeting her. And she always closed them without any further discussion.

I never found out the answer... but discovered that my concerns about her sexual appetite or hangups were completely unwarranted.

She eventually did fall by the wayside of women who were "close, but not quite right"... but sexual hangups had nothing to do with it.

The moral? Take everything a step at a time. Don't jump to conclusions. And don't try to "figure things out" too fast.

Because, when you do that... you're killing the chemistry that's so critical during the first dates. And you'll be rejecting people for the wrong reasons.

Stop chasing women. NOW.

Here's a comment from "Uncle Fester" (one of our readers):

"As a way of showing indifference, and as a clear alternative to begging a match to respond, what is your opinion on being quick to close slow movers? Making them demonstrate interest by delivering an ultimatum, which requires them to ask to be re-opened. It's drastic to be sure."

Sigh. There's a general rule - when one person says something... he speaks for a lot of my readers. Maybe I've been less than clear on a very important point. I'll try it one more time.

Your job, in your profile and in your communications, is to generate interest.

If a woman is interested in you, she'll chase you. And she won't dare to delay communication. Or refuse a phone call. Or flake on a date.

If a woman isn't moving things forward, there's one of two things going on:

• She's read what you had to say... and she's not all that interested.
• She's a nutcase. Or she's preoccupied with other things.
  

If she's got problems, you don't want to meet her. And she's doing you a favor. Close her.

And if she's not interested, you need to find someone that is. Quit wasting your time with her, and invest your time on women that show some interest.

If no one is showing interest, you need to figure out why. It will help you with your later matches. But it's too late to "fix" the ones that aren't interested.

Never, ever, ever even try to chase women. It never works. Ever.

So, yes, if a woman isn't moving forward, close them.

And, no, don't expect them to beg you to reopen them. They're just not that interested.

And you'll forget about her completely after you start talking to women who are showing interest.

War Journal, 6/18/07

Last week, I had no active matches.

This week, I didn't get any new ones.

Shortest War Journal entry ever.

Don't let your photos blend in with the crowd...

I've already told you that one way to separate yourself from the "typical guy" on eHarmony is to provide photos that generate intrigue, and demonstrate your positive qualities.

Many guys on eHarmony actually try to do this.

But, when they do... they use the same "interesting" photos that everyone else uses.

And when your photo shows the same scene that everyone else's does... it's not interesting. It's a cliche. And it makes you look just like the other people who are swarming for womens' attention.

So, what are some of the common cliches?

Overused vacation pictures
The only time to use a vacation picture is when you've got something truly interesting.

Pictures on the beach are not interesting. They're cliche.

Pictures with vague backgrounds, with only a caption to describe the exciting place they're at... another cliche.

Pictures in the wilderness - cliche.

Lame social pictures
If you have an interesting social life, you should demonstrate it in your photos. It's a positive trait.

But, if the gatherings you go to are ordinary and typical... don't post 'em.

Family pictures? Unless there's something unusual and interesting that you're demonstrating... forget them. Cliche.

Formal occasions? One formal photo might be okay, if you look really great, or you're doing something interesting. But if not... it's a cliche.

Office parties? Random pictures in vague places with friends? Yawn.

Bottom line? If you want your photos to stick out - don't use the same settings that everyone else does. Or she'll associate you with the hordes of people who aren't worth talking to.

Where do fast tracks fit?

Hopefully, by this time, you're seeing how the eHarmony system can be used in your favor. By going through guided communication, you're forcing a woman to work for your continued interest.

You'll notice that I haven't talked much about using "Fast track".

That's because I almost never use it.

I've experimented with "fast track" offers during phase 1 and 2 of communication. I've never had anyone accept the fast track. Most of the time, they'll close.

When I talked with women about men who propose "fast track" this soon in the process - they hold a very dim view. They say that it shows that a guy isn't really all that interested in learning about them first. You look too needy, too eager, and too easy to please. And very few women will lower themselves to talking to a needy, desperate man.

Astute readers might ask, "Could you write a message that will make them know that you're not desperate? That you're just interested in talking like normal people instead of little eHarmony robots?"

I like that thinking. Unfortunately, the answer is still no.

The problem is... women can't read the message until they accept the fast track. So, your message will not make any difference. They'll reject you before they read it.

Other astute readers probably noticed something else.

I only talked about fast track during phases 1 and 2.

Can a fast track request fly during phase 3?

Yes. Your odds aren't 100%, but the odds are in your favor.

But, there's a catch.

Phase 3 is one of the most powerful weapons you have in building attraction. By asking skillful questions, you can create tension, display that you're a man with standards, and associate yourself with things that make her feel good.

And when you make a fast-track request... you're giving up that opportunity. And you're showing a little bit of overeagerness.

So, yes, they often accept the fast track request. But, because of that missed step, women will act flakier. They'll insist (or try to insist) on protracted email communication. They'll play hard to get. They'll flake out on dates.

Can it be worth it? Maybe for very special occasions. For example, if I'm in her town that day, leaving soon, and not planning to return for quite some time... it might make sense to hurry the process along.

But, otherwise... I prefer to stick to structured communication.

The power of indifference

You've heard me say it over and over again - make them work to meet your approval.

It's been good advice for me. And it doesn't only apply to eHarmony.

I remember, a few months ago, I was having some problems at my job, and set up meetings with other employers.

In the old days, when I prepared for an interview, I approached the situation like I approached my dates. I obsessed over if I looked "right". I answered every question in a way that wasn't going to cause offense. And I didn't ask many questions.

Yup. I was the average chump of the job interview. And I always underperformed. Not because I'm a bad employee - but because people don't feel comfortable when a guy is obviously hiding who he is and what he wants.

Last time, it changed. I dressed appropriately, but didn't make a huge fuss. I relaxed in my chair. When I was asked questions, I answered them... and turned them into my own tests for the prospective employer. And in the end, I wanted to make them worry if they were meeting my standards.

It worked like a charm. When I refused their offer (I ended up settling things with the old employer), they begged me to reconsider.

But that's not the life event that led to this rant.

Yesterday, I was in a big legal settlement conference. We met three other times, with absolutely no progress. The case had gone on for five years - much longer than it rightly should have. But those who are familiar with protracted legal cases know - if someone wants to be unreasonable, it takes a very long time to end.

In the previous conferences, I banged my head, trying to seem like I was being reasonable - only to have my reasonable offers summarily rejected. Leading to more rounds of evidence gathering, and more legal fees.

Yesterday, I turned it around.

I told them - you're here to settle with me. I've been living with the legal case for years - and I can do it for longer, if need be. But, I'm an American - if I can do it faster and cheaper, I will. It's up to them.

I summarily rejected their unreasonably high, unjustified offers, countering them with unreasonably low ones.

When they started slowing down - I threatened to walk away from a mediated settlement forever. Even the mediator, a professional psychologist, believed my sincerity. And got very nervous.

They blew a gasket. Their next offer was still unreasonable... but gave a subtle hint as to something that they wanted.

I caught the subtle hint. I offered that thing - and only that thing. And I demanded a lot of concessions from them in return.

Their lawyer blew a gasket. And they gave me a "fuzzy numbers" case for why my offer was worse than the lowball offers that I provided.

I stood my ground. I told them that I felt that I was making a great offer. I was willing to give them what they really wanted. And I could give it to them now (at a price)... or we can drag this out in pre-trial for a few more years.

You guessed it. They wanted it to end more than I did.

They took the settlement. Me and my lawyer walked away smiling and joking, with my lawyer commenting on how we did much better than he expected. They went home with scowls on their faces, mumbling about how I "cheated" them.

But it comes down to the simple rule. In dating, on interviews, in the law, and in life...

The winner is the guy who has what the other person wants... but can afford to walk away.

Communication clinic: Raising the friendly factor

In the comments section, "Uncle Fester" states that a couple of matches have closed him after sending the first open communication letter.

Usually, two closures leaves very little reason to analyze your results. However, in my experience, a woman closing after the first open message is a very rare thing. In fact, since I started my system, it's never happened to me. So, let's see what might be going on here.

Here's one of his messages, in it's entirety.

Hi (her), Finally - past the multiple choice stuff, we can talk like grownups now. Thought I would get off a quick note before heading out to the (local baseball team) game tonight. My weeknights can be somewhat unpredictable, this came together at the last minute.

You mentioned "style" in your Must Have's. Martha Stewart style? Billy Dee Williams style? Hmmm?

It'd be nice to meet or talk sometime but for now, some easier questions... what's the last movie you saw? Are you from this area originally? (Don't worry, almost nobody is) Looking forward to your reply. Off to the game. (me)

I think we have a classic beginner's mistake. I know, because I repeated the same mistake many times. Still do, on occasion.

He's clearly understood one lesson: Don't put her on a pedestal. Make her qualify for you before making any sort of commitment. This may be a change from the way that he pursued women in the past.

But when you're correcting old patterns of behavior, people often overcompensate. And, as a result, they rail about how they're not sold... but miss the "pull" effect of telling her about how you're intrigued.

Let's go over this slowly, shall we?

Here's his pleasantry:

Hi (her), Finally - past the multiple choice stuff, we can talk like grownups now.

As far as pleasantries go... this isn't very pleasant. It dismisses the previous communication, some of which she may have worked hard on answering. That effort does need to be recognized.

If you need to go "double sided" with this statement, you can say something like, "Thanks for going through guided communication with me. I've learned a lot, but, frankly, I'm happy that we can talk like grownups now."

But, frankly, I don't recommend that beginners start with double-sided pleasantries. Start with simple ones, then experiment. That way, you'll know if something isn't working.

Let's move on to the time constraint:

Thought I would get off a quick note before heading out to the (local baseball team) game tonight. My weeknights can be somewhat unpredictable, this came together at the last minute.

Not bad. I think the pickup artist classic of varying the line, "I've got to get back to my friends" might be a little friendlier. It's easier to fault a guy for being a little late for a game than to abandon friends.

Now, "observe and challenge":

You mentioned "style" in your Must Have's. Martha Stewart style? Billy Dee Williams style? Hmmm?

Here's the weakest point. The point of the "observe and challenge" is to pick something interesting that tweaked your interest... and gently challenge her to see if she's for real. But this may come off as challenging the character of a woman for putting something down as a "must-have". So, again, she may be feeling dismissed.

If you are a stylish guy, I might make the similarity more apparent. For example: Hey, I'm glad you appreciate a sense of style. Unless you think that those "I'm with stupid" T-shirts are still stylish... in which case... well... (Okay, I'm not fashion-conscious enough to come up with a subtler fashion faux-pas. But, you get the idea.)

Basically, pick something she likes to talk about, and force her to brag a little more. Or, say that she's not an obsessed fan.

On to planting seeds / asking questions...

It'd be nice to meet or talk sometime but for now, some easier questions... what's the last movie you saw? Are you from this area originally? (Don't worry, almost nobody is)

I'd prefer, "It might be nice" to "It'd be nice". It doesn't put as much pressure on.

I'd also move away from "easier" to "more fun" questions. "Easier" implies you're lowering your standards.

Subtle points? Maybe.

Looking forward to your reply. Off to the game. (me)

In the earlier context... you're fine.

In short, you have standards... and you're not sold yet. But you are appreciating what you've learned, so you're continuing the process.

And if you've shown promise in the earlier phases... she should feel happy about that prospect.

Tomorrow's column will also be late... but I've reached a very good turning point in my life. And I feel a rant coming on...

War Journal, 6/11/07

When we left last week... there were no active matches.

I had one new match, who lived 3 hours away, and was a lifelong student. I closed this one.

Meanwhile... the woman who tried to engage me in a game of phone tag has sent a few emails. It's been a couple of weeks... I might reply (briefly) and see if she wants to pick up the phone.

And that's it. Slow week on eHarmony.

The eHarmony Blog script, and a contest update

Some good news, folks! Although the eHarmony blog is now dead, the eHarmony Blog script has now been released through a Creative Commons attribution noncommercial license. So... I'm free to distribute it now.

Download it from here, unzip it, and install the program using these instructions. By running this program, your computer will request new matches every 10 minutes, which, in my experience, does result in getting more matches.

So, will the former eHarmony blogger be our contest winner? Or will another programmer rise to take the crown?

Stay tuned.

Researchers agree: Advance when you can touch.

Faithful readers have already understood my eHarmony strategy - meet quickly, and don't hit on a woman until you actually meet her. When you meet her, you have the advantages of being able to use touch, body language, and vocal tone.

In one of our past columns, I presented some research that justified the first half of that statement. Essentially, people who present too much information to a woman before meeting her have worse results.

Now, thanks to eHarmony's research blog, we now have research supporting the second half of that statement. Women respond much better to the suggestion of advancing a relationship when you're able to touch her.

Although the original research article isn't available on the web, another article by the same author is also very compelling.

Hmm... It makes me think I need to touch people more even when I'm not dating them...

Pre-Date Banter: The Photo Game

Another pre-date game that's worked well for me is "The Picture Game".

This game works well with camera phones, but can work well with email and scanners/digital cameras/etc.

It really needs no particular introduction, or clear structured rules. Just start by sending a picture.

What picture do you send? Depends. If she said that she enjoys art (and you do too), send a picture of some art you own, and caption it.

If you both like travel... send an interesting picture from your last trip.

You get the idea.

And after you send the picture, tell her it's her turn to send you one.

If she doesn't... tease her.

And keep on bouncing the pictures back and forth.

Pre-Date Banter: The Question Game

Here's one of my favorite games for pre-date banter. It's original origin is from Mystery's Venusian Arts Handbook, but instead of providing comfort, it's modified to maintain intrigue for as long as possible... while looking like you're providing the potential for comfort building.

Here's how I usually open this game:

"Hey, it's going to be awhile before we actually can actually get together, and I know we've both got a million questions. We could write long, boring essays to each other... or we can do something that's fun.

It's called the question game. It's kind of like truth or dare, but, considering that I don't know how twisted you'll get... I think we'll stick with "truth" for now.

Here are the rules:

1. Whoever starts asks one question.

2. That question must be answered truthfully, in one sentence.

3. Once a person answers a question, that person can ask a new one.

4. No question can be repeated.

5. I ask the first question. Is that unfair? Sorry, I didn't write the rules. Oh wait... I did write the rules. Well, they're pretty good rules.

[If you're using text] Your first question will be texted to you soon... have fun!
[If you're using email] How many boyfriends have you had?

Of course, she's going to try to break the rules. Tease her when she does it, and make her obey them. (Reject answers that are more than one sentence, or repeated questions... etc.)

That one-sentence rule is your key - it's easy to be vague (and blame the rules) when you're limited to one sentence. Or, if she asks a question that isn't answerable in one sentence... say so, and let her ask another question.

Have fun with this one, guys...

Pre-Date Banter - Structuring the interaction

So, we know what we want to accomplish during pre-date banter. How do we structure the conversation so we stay on focus?

A couple of factors that will swing the tables in your favor...

Stick to text messaging. Or email, if that won't work.
Text messaging creates an illusion of intimacy. You've, technically, got instant access, and can surprise her when she's going about her day. Yet, it's not intrusive... and there's no pressure to answer messages quickly. And messages have to be short, because they're a pain to type in. And, when you keep messages short, it helps you maintain intrigue.

In second place (if text messaging is too expensive for the two of you) would be email. The major disadvantage of which is that it encourages longer messages. But it's still very usable.

Don't use the phone. It's too easy for a woman to plead for a change in the rules over the phone.

Make it a game
I'm a big fan of games during this period. Games have rules. Rules can be put in place that enforce the principles of pre-date banter. And you can tease her when she tries to break the rules. So... you're not forced into a place you don't want to be before the date.

So, if I like to use games in pre-date banter, what are my favorites?

I'll give you two of my favorites over the next couple of days.

The Pre-date Banter Commandments

Before beginning pre-date banter, it's important to reinforce some important rules.

Banter begins after the date is set.
When you start pre-date banter, you're (briefly) accepting a pen-pal relationship. If you do this before a date is arranged, women will become comfortable with the pen-pal relationship, and often won't want it to end.

But breaking a pre-arranged date is something most women will not do.

Display confidence, act like the person that you say you are.
This isn't an opportunity to "show off". It's an opportunity to demonstrate that you're the person that you claim to be. Be yourself, don't sell yourself. She's already buying.

Create more questions than you answer.
Give vague (but not avoidant) answers to questions, and throw in some new topics about yourself. Use this as an opportunity to hook her interest further.

Humor is OK, but don't overuse it.
If she feels like the whole thing is a joke, she'll be resentful. Or she'll think that you're not taking it seriously at all. And too much humor also makes you look like you're showing off... which is what you don't want to do.

You control the tempo.
Don't feel pressured to reply quickly in banter. Live your life, be a busy person. Reply when it's convenient.

At the end, she should feel mildly frustrated, but intrigued.
Frustration = she wants something, but it's just out of reach. Too far out of reach, and it's the sour grapes syndrome. But if it's just slightly out of reach, she'll try harder. And that's called "attraction".

Those are the principles... tomorrow, I'll talk more about the method.

War Journal, 6/4/07

A frustrating week...

On dates, I'm used to women who are carrying baggage because of some lyin', cheatin' ex-boyfriend or husband. But this week's date... was having trouble with her lyin', cheatin' long-term current boyfriend. Needless to say, there's not going to be a second date.

After teasing the woman in open communication about her lack of photos for awhile, she angrily replied that she just moved into the area to take care of her dying father, had just started a new job which is causing a lot of stress... and that providing a photo was the least of her priorities. I did apologize, said that I understood, and welcomed her to call me when things are a little more settled.

There was only one new match this week. (I expected more from free communication weekend... but there you go.) Unfortunately, she lives 4 hours away, so I closed it.

One of my matches closed me, with the statement that she's not ready. Interestingly, it left me no option to send a final message. Is this how eHarmony now treats people who disobey the rules? I don't know.

... and none of the other "old" matches advanced communication. So, I closed 'em.

And that's this week in eHarmony.

You can win a personal consultation!

As I mentioned last week, eHarmony Blog is dead. And, since it's author has disappeared with no contact information... I can't republish their .html script which automatically requested new matches every 5 minutes.

... but when I use it... I still get more matches. And I hate to see new members go without it.

As I mentioned, this might be a blessing in disguise.

Really, the script was a kludge. It was hard to set up and run. During the relatively frequent periods where the servers get overloaded, it's unable to log you back into the system.

And there are a lot of features on eHarmony that would benefit from automation. Like sending nudges. Or alerting you when someone hasn't advanced communication in a certain amount of time.

So, if the program can be improved... what can I do to help someone do it?

I can provide incentive.

So... here's a contest. Whoever writes the best eHarmony match management software will win a 1 hour personal phone consultation with me. You can do whatever you'd like during that hour. But, I imagine that you'll probably want to spend it with my providing personal help with your profile. Or helping you with another "sticking point".

Here are the rules:

1. Entries must, at minimum, replicate the function of the eHarmony Blog script. (Basically, requesting new matches every ten minutes).

2. You must make your entry publicly accessible, and you must license the program under a Creative Commons attribution non-commercial license. Basically, the program will remain your intellectual property. You will be able to upgrade it, and charge money for upgraded versions. Other people may make modifications (as long as they credit you), but can't charge money for the "improvements" without your permission. But the version that you submit must remain freely available to all.

3. Entries may not carry any viruses or spyware. Links to any programs which contain these will result in removal of your link, and disqualification of any entry.

4. You must make your entry available for download, and provide a link to it. (You can do so by leaving a comment.)

5. Entries must be submitted before 7/1/07. I may decide to extend this deadline, if programmers are saying that they need more time.

6. Winner is decided by me, on whatever arbitrary criteria I set.

Good luck! I hope to see some interesting innovation...

About Pre-Date Banter

Sometimes, our busy lives can get in the way of meeting our eHarmony matches as soon as we'd like. I've often had to wait a couple of weeks before I could meet my matches in their hometown.

It's a tricky situation. On one hand, suspending communication for weeks (until you meet) makes a woman think you're not interested in her at all. The "sour grapes" syndrome hits... And it's highly likely that she'll flake on the date.

On the other hand, long talks where you build comfort, but don't share the physical contact that implies sexual interest is a fast-track to the "friend zone".

So, those don't work... what does?

I look at this period as an opportunity to build tension further.

It's a period where you can build the illusion that she'll get to know you better... but, you're only giving her more questions to ask, and providing few answers.

And it can drive the pre-date tension through the roof. In a good way.

I'll start sharing on Monday.