"Relationship guy" or "Lust object"? You CAN have it both ways!

Before I go into tomorrow's (first-ever) product review, there's a bit of "Seduction community" lore that I want to address...

According to classic pickup artist lore, women quickly sort guys into categories. Among the more desirable categories are those of being "The provider" and of being "The seducer".

According to the lore, "The provider" is the guy that women want to be in a long-term relationship with. He's a solid guy. He's giving, and he won't abuse. He's thoughtful, and considerate. And he'll take care of a woman well.

Of course, there's a fine line between the "nice guy" and the "provider". Phony "nice guys" are to be avoided. And it takes a lot of time for a woman to decide if a guy is truly a provider.

Bottom-line? Even if a guy is a good provider, and a woman is looking for someone to take that role, it's going to take months for the woman decides she's comfortable enough to sleep with the guy. (On the other hand, unlike the "seduction community", I won't disagree with anyone who chooses this path.)

On the other hand, according to seduction lore, there's another class of men. The "Seducers". These men are the objects of lust. Seducers are attractive, charming, and seductive. They know how to meet a woman's sexual needs, and don't confuse sexual urges for love. And when the good times are over? The two of you can go your own ways, without any messy drama. Of course, not all women want a seducer in their lives at any given moment... but that's okay to most seducers.

Unlike the "provider", it's quickly clear to women that "seducers" aren't stereotypic nice guys. So... it's easier for a "seducer" to get laid quickly than it is for a "provider".

Because of this, standard seduction lore is to act like a full-out seducer, and to deflect any "provider"-type questions as funny and irrelevant. According to PUA lore, it's impossible to be both a seducer and a provider. And for guys who want a long-term relationship? They encourage them to act like seducers, and then shift gears later.

And that sums up seduction lore.

The funny thing is, despite many PUA's insistence that one person can't be both a provider and a seducer... My experience is different.

There are elements that can be successfully combined.

The "seducer" has a lot of good traits. He's charming. Assertive. A guy who can "take charge" in a relationship. A guy who understands women's physical desires, and doesn't make women ashamed of them. A guy who can take a relationship one day at a time, and has the confidence to know he can find another woman when he knows things aren't working out.

On the other hand, the "provider" has a lot of desirable traits as well. He's stable and solid, economically and emotionally. He won't selfishly try to take advantage of women. He can change his behavior if he sees a woman being hurt. He can make reasonable compromises in a relationship (but, unlike the "nice guys", won't harm himself or act ingenuinely to do so). And he's ready to bond with someone, if things are right.

When you combine the good things of both worlds, you can have the advantages of both worlds. In an early relationship you can be both the guy she lusts after, and the guy she sees a glimmer of a chance of being in a relationship with.

And I've done it many times.

"Milestones", and why they shouldn't matter!

A common theme to questions on the Google Group, lately, has been, "I'm having trouble with (a milestone)."

In fact, I answered one specific question recently.

It seems like these "milestones" cause a lot of problems with guys.

Getting the phone number. Getting the first date. Getting the first kiss. When she's "officially" a girlfriend. Having sex for the first time. Meeting the family. The list goes on and on.

The funny thing is? Most of the time, the barriers are in the guy's mind.

Bottom line, when a girl likes a guy, she's unlikely to deny the natural progression of the relationship. But, when you make it look like a milestone event, she'll pause.

If you're spending all your time together, and not dating other people... congratulations. She's your girlfriend. And nothing really needs to be said at all.

If you're comfortable with each other, things are getting hot and heavy, and neither of you have real mental or moral barriers... sex is going to happen.

Want her to meet your parents? When your parents are having an event, invite her along.

Don't feel like doing any of these things yet? Don't force it. That's guaranteed to make you both uncomfortable.

If she refuses? It's rare, but, when it happens, don't let it hurt you. Just say, "I understand", and let it go. You can always try again later.

But, most of the time... women won't get weird unless they feel like you're forcing something, or you otherwise make her think it should.

Nervous about sex? Relax.

There's good and bad in the pick-up artist literature. And one point where I often disagree with the PUAs is in their dogma that the key to developing a long-term relationship with a woman is by giving her an unbelievable sexual experience.

No, I'm not saying that women don't like to have mind-blowing orgasms. And I'm not saying that mechanical sex advice is worthless. They can be helpful in giving you some confidence if you're nervous about your inexperience.

But mechanical advice is exactly that. Mechanical.

And, when it comes to sex, mechanical advice only goes so far.

The fact is, both of you have unique preferences. Everyone's a little different in what sensations they enjoy. And you'd be a fool not to listen to your partner when she tells (or subtly signals) you what makes her feel good.

And the whole, "If you have great sex, she'll keep you forever" thing? Forget about it. If you look at many pick-up artist's lives, you'll see that mind-blowing sex will maintain a woman's interest for awhile. But not forever.

Because, when it comes down to it, sex is only part of the emotional connection that men and women build together. And, without a human connection, even fantastic raging orgasms can become routine and boring.

And, really, if you start listening to women? They'll tell you that they value their connection with you more than the orgasm itself.

So enjoy your relationship. And don't get so hung up on your sexual performance.

"It just happened..."

Okay, you've got a woman that you like.

And, good news? She likes you too. The chemistry is definitely there.

And a lot of you have read my "attachment model", where I described what "relationship phases" you should look for.

The question many people ask is, "How do you move up in the attachment model?"

First of all, if you're having difficulty moving from Phase 2 to Phase 3, you might want to read the seduction literature on "comfort building". Particularly the use of "freeze outs".

But, one thing that people often do to stall relationship progress is to ask about it.

They like how they feel. And talking about it will make them feel it less.

And if a guy is pushing for something that they're not feeling... it starts to get weird.

So, in general, it's best not to talk about the next steps.

If you feel ready to move things to the next level? Act like you are. Don't ask.

If you're seeing each other a lot, and you're not dating other people... it's exclusive.

If you want her to meet your friends, invite her to something that you're doing with them.

If you want her to meet your family... invite her to something that you're doing with them.

If you're ready to have sex with her... bring her to your place, turn the lights down, and start gettin' it on.

If she's not ready for what you want? Freeze her out for awhile. (As I've mentioned before, I consider the "freeze out" a kindness, not a punishment.) But don't beg.

Women, in general, like the fantasy of the relationship "just happening".

Give them the fantasy. And sweep them off their feet.

Don't beg them off their feet.

Shifting frames in the long-term relationship

From reading comments and discussions on the Google Group, it looks like my model of long-term relationships is an idea that's starting to take off.

That was a long series. And, in looking back, I've pointed out the signs to look for in the stages of a long-term relationship.

What I didn't explain, however, are the mental attitudes that facilitate progression to the next level.

In this blog, I've repeatedly pointed out that relationships don't advance when you try too hard to advance the agenda. And they advance when a woman feels that she has to work for the result.

Now, obviously, if you're in Phase 4, a woman shouldn't have to feel nervous about whether there's chemistry between the two of you. But she should feel nervous about whether the two of you can work out your conflicts.

So, what are the proper challenging mindsets for the the relationship phases that I've proposed?

Here we go:

Phase 0: "Hey, speedy. I haven't even decided if I like you yet. Why don't we get together first?"

Phase 1: "You might make a decent friend... I don't know if there's chemistry yet, but you seem nice..."

Phase 2: "We've got chemistry... but I'm not really sure if I can share myself with you yet."

Phase 3: "You seem okay... so far. But I'm still not really sure about you. Time will tell."

Phase 4: "Okay, we're getting real now. Let's see what happens."

Endgame: "We're good together. Let's see what we need to do to make it work."

The Attachment Model: Final thoughts

Just a few concluding thoughts on the attachment model that I've proposed.

First of all, it IS only a model. And a very early one at that. As time goes on, I'm sure that I (as well as hopefully others) will refine it further. And I'm giving this model "from the labs" status.

Another important point? The stages of the model are NOT cast in stone.

There are some people who will require a little bit of comfort-building before they can experience chemistry. Some "liveable problems" may be apparent on the first date, and not near the end game.

The model is a guide. Not a rigid playbook.

So... get out there and enjoy playing.

Attachment Model: Endgame

Time has passed in your relationship. Usually, six months to one year.

You know each other well.

You've come to rely on each other in very basic ways.

You recognize her as the person she is - imperfect, but good for you.

She feels the same.

You're attached.

When you're at the point where this is occurring, this is the time to talk about the practical matters of building a life together. And a time when you are realistically ready to talk about things like living together, marriage, and children in something other than a hypothetical way.

So... talk. See if the practicalities work out.

And if they do?

Heck, you don't need me anymore. You're on your own. :-)

Final thoughts on the attachment model tomorrow.

The Attachment Model, Phase 4

Well, folks, it's time to return to our long-term relationship oriented "Attachment model".

As we've noticed, couples in Phase 3 are getting pretty comfortable. They're realizing that they can fulfill a lot of their needs for mirroring, idealization, and kinship.

Now, can anyone fulfill these needs perfectly?

Of course not. And that's what Phase 4 is about.

It's about recognizing the fact that your partner isn't perfect.

And often, you're fighting about the failures that occur.

But, in the end, the fantasy that you've met the perfect man or woman to fulfill these needs starts to fade away.

But, if you've come through Phase 4 successfully - you realize that s/he doesn't have to be perfect.

And you realize that what you do have is pretty damn good.

This phase usually occurs from 6 months to one year into a relationship.

And it's where most people can honestly say that they're in love.

So where do you go from here?

We'll conclude the phases of the attachment model tomorrow.

Phase 3: Trying mutual reliance

Okay, we've given the "attachment model" a few day's break. Let's return for a day... (And, if you're catching up, check out the "Long game" label.)

In phase 2 of my attachment model, you've learned a lot about each other. You know each other pretty well. And you've started, cautiously, to place your trust in each other.

Phase 3 is a natural extension of Phase 2. You're each getting comfortable in meeting your basic social needs of mirroring, idealization, and kinship. And you're genuinely feeling that the other person is a safe person get these things from.

So... in phase 3, you're giving things a real chance. And you're starting to rely upon each other to fill these needs.

And, when it's working... it feels great. And those who are new to the feeling of love will usually say, "I love you" in this phase.

But, of course, even the perfect partner will fall short of perfection with mirroring, idealization, and kinship.

... And that's what Phase 4 is about.

And I'll talk about that on Friday.

The physical relationship: Just another trust bridge?

Lately, I've been elucidating an "attachment model" that is more conducive to the formation of long-term relationships than most models of seduction.

Every model has it's strengths and weaknesses. While my "attachment model" is good at helping people understand the state of attachment in a relationship, it speaks much less to the physical relationship than standard models.

In fact, it's barely an afterthought. The physical relationship is not an attachment landmark. And it doesn't occupy a specific space in the attachment model.

So, where does it work in the model?

If you're entering Phase 2 attachment, she will want to kiss you, unless she's got a lot of psychological baggage. Be confident in that. Much has been written in the seduction literature about giving her a little less than she'd like... I'll leave that to your judgment.

As far as sex is concerned? I've summarized community lore before, and those observations are still pretty accurate.

In the attachment model? It's just another Phase 2 trust bridge.

Be confident. She'll have sex with you when:

• The chemistry is there.
• It's congruent with her (and your) value system.
• She's comfortable that she isn't giving herself away to just anyone.
• She's comfortable that you won't make her feel ashamed.
• She's comfortable that you won't think it represents a deeper level of attachment than she's comfortable in having.
  

But, yes, women want sex just as much as we do. And it isn't that big a deal, unless you make it one.

Like I said. It's just another trust bridge.

Phase 2: Establishing congruence

In addition to the "trial balloons" that people try during Phase 2 attachment, another subtle evaluation usually takes place during Phase two.

As you probably realize, Phases 0 and 1 go quickly. In fact, if they aren't crossed within the first few dates, it becomes very difficult to escape the "comfortable friend zone".

And, because the time flies by quickly, it's hard to evaluate what a person is really like.

Hey, everyone's on good behavior during the first few dates. You both may dress a little better than normal. She may be more complimentary. You may leave bigger tips than you normally do. You may act a little funnier. She may laugh at more of your jokes.

And, yes, beginning pick-up-artists try "tricks" that don't fit in with their personality.

To some degree, this behavior is expected. But, if it's a large gap, you won't last long.

So... in phase 2 attachment, take your time. Get to know what she's really like, once "proper dating" behavior starts to fade away.

You know that she's evaluating you too.

Phase 2: Building bridges of trust

(Pardon me for not talking about physical escalation in Phase 2 as promised. I realized that there's still ground that needs to be covered...)

If there's a typical interaction that happens in Phase 2 of a relationship, it's what I call "building bridges of trust".

At the end of Phase 1, you're recognizing the potential for a special relationship.

But, how do you determine if a person is trustworthy of that status?

You try them out. And see how they react.

Cautiously.

Usually, the process begins with the gradual sharing of things that you "don't usually tell other people". Starting with things that are less offensive.

She accepts, or she doesn't.

And, hopefully, she'll share as well. And you start to understand, at least, how she describes herself. Which may, or may not reflect who she really is... but at least you'll start to understand the person that she wants to be, and the fears that she expresses.

And it's an opportunity to strengthen the bonds of idealization, mirroring, and twinship.

And, later in the process of Phase 2, you go beyond words.

She'll ask things of you. You say whether you'll do them... or not.

And you'll ask things of her, as well. And she'll agree... or not.

Fair's fair.

But, be patient when you build trust bridges. Because, when you ask too much too fast... she'll start getting scared.

Phases 0 and 1 can be covered in one date, if your game is tight. Phase 2 takes months. And most attempts to speed up phase two will cause her to freak out.

Enjoy the process of getting to know each other. Decide whether she's worthy of your trust. And decide whether you want be the person that she can develop trust with.

And if both of you are a bit unsure, but wanting a little more... you're both in great position to navigate Phase 2 successfully.

Phase 2: "I'm having feelings... but are they safe?"

So, you've navigated phase 1. She's got feelings for you. The chemistry is there.

Well, that doesn't mean it's smooth sailing from here on out.

The fact is, if you're meeting someone on eHarmony, she's an adult. Not a doey-eyed teenager. She's probably been hurt by many of the people she's had chemistry with before. And she's still
going to be nervous.

So, how do you keep her from freaking out?

Do you remember, "twinship"? Because, if you've been in relationships before, you should feel the same way that she does. You feel like there may be some promise... but you've been wrong before as well. And you need time to be sure.

Share the experience of being unsure. You don't want to unburden her all at once with your romantic tales of woe. But she'll be curious about yours. And you'll be curious about hers. It's a process that will unfold slowly.

Let her ask the questions that will reveal what has gone wrong for you in the past. But expect her to do the same in return.

Yes, pickup artists do have techniques for "comfort building". Some of these techniques are appropriate for the "long game". Others aren't. If you try to use techniques, make sure they're congruent with your goals.

And they're only for the earliest stages of Phase 2. You need to build more trust in pursuing a mutual, trusting relationship than in pursuing one that is purely physical.

By this time, you may be wondering: "When do we finally get it on?"

It usually happens during phase 2.

And I'll talk about it tomorrow.

Attachment Phase 0: Do We Enjoy Each Other's Company?

(Note: This model is in development, and carries "Fresh from the lab" status. Further refinements are likely.)

Okay, so you realize, now, that people usually don't instantly go from, "I don't know you" to "I want to be in a relationship with you".

And, yes, pushing a relationship too early can cause bad things to happen. It makes you look like you want a relationship with anyone, and that she should just give that to you without knowing you. And it makes her feel uncomfortable.

So, where does a relationship start? And how does it progress?

I haven't found any good models so far. So, in my experience (which may not be so great - after all, I'm not in a happy marriage), I'll try to build one. And, as time goes on, I'm sure it will be fine-tuned, by myself and the eHarmony Cracked community.

Let's start in the beginning. She's at least interested enough to agree to meet you on a date.

What happens in the very beginning, as far as attachment is concerned?

You don't know each other yet. There's almost no attachment, and no real reason to see attachment occurring yet.

In fact, you don't even know whether you'll enjoy each other's company. So, the first step on the journey is to figure that piece out.

Basically - can you have an enjoyable date with her?

Do you have enough in common to have a good time doing something together?

Is she so uptight (or unattracted) that she can't even flirt with you?

Basically, this would be the "starting point" for all of the seduction models. Tons have been written about how to get someone to like you. And I can't repeat all the methods that the seduction gurus expound.

Find what's right for you.

And have fun. Because, if you can't... she's not passing your test.

She's ambivalent... Why the heck aren't you?

Yesterday, I talked about one of the biggest killers of early relationships.

Most women, when they're first talking about starting a relationship? They're ambivalent.

But when a guy sees this ambivalence, and pushes even harder for the relationship that he desires... it's a sure ticket to, "You're a great guy, but I'm not ready for a relationship" town.

So, what what do you do about this?

You really need to stop pushing for the relationship.

I hate to say this, but if she's ambivalent, and you're pushing a relationship after one date... she's got the healthier attitude.

Why are you so all-fired sure that you want a relationship with this woman after a few hours?

Do you even know this woman?

For chrissake - she's on "first date" behavior. You won't even see what she's really like until months pass.

So, cool your jets. Enjoy the date.

And wait for her to prove herself worthy of a relationship.

Make her convince you.

So, how do you move from mutual, healthy ambivalence to a relationship?

More to come...

She doesn't want a relationship? Is she nuts?

One of the things I'm noticing on our one year anniversary is that our readers are facing different struggles than they faced a year ago.

A year ago? The most common complaint was, "I can't get the date."

Now? The most common problem seems to be in the transition from "first dates" to "a relationship".

In some ways, I'm pretty happy about this. It means that people are benefiting from the advice I've given on the online portion of the game.

The bad news? Now we've got another layer of problems.

So, let's go after this layer.

How does this "sticking point" usually manifest itself?

It comes when you've piqued her interest enough in order to get the date. You meet. You have a decent time, you find things that you have in common.

But she starts to freak out about being "in a relationship" with you.

Is she NUTS?

Maybe. But a little nuttiness is to be expected from most women.

In fact, I prefer not to call it "being nuts". I call it ambivalence.

The fact is, if you're on a date (or a few dates) and having a good time, she's seeing some possibilities, if she's at all relationship-minded.

But she's still not sure. She's certainly not ready to think about things like moving in, marriage, children, and so forth. Not after one or two dates. Probably not after months.

The biggest trouble? When you take an ambivalent woman, and you combine that with a man who's infatuated and implying, "I really want this to be forever"... most normal women will freak.

So, how do you reduce healthy freakouts?

I'll talk about that in the next few articles.

What are you looking for?

Another frequently-emailed question that I receive are variants of the same question:

"I'm looking for a serious relationship on eHarmony. When should I say this?"

"I'm not sure if I want a serious relationship, but the people who subscribe to eHarmony can be really serious. When should I let people know?"

I haven't really done much experimentation with how to reveal what I'm looking for in a relationship. I pretty much started with what I'm doing now, and never really looked for another way. But, I can talk about what I do.

The first question you should ask yourself is, "Why is this information important"?

If you approached a lot of women out of the blue, saying, "Hey, I want to have a wife and kids - how about you?", or "Hey, babe, I'm only interested in a physical relationship", most women will think you're a little strange.

It's like going to an auto dealership, with a salesman who insists that you buy a car right now at an "amazingly low price", even though you don't know anything about the car that you're buying.

If you're going to come to a discussion about "terms of payment", you have to be interested in the product first. Because, if you don't show interest, a discussion about the "deal" you're willing to make... it just seems strange.

So, no. I'm just answering Dr. Warren's profile questions in a manner that will generate interest. Except for my brief answer for the quality I'm most looking for (which isn't the willingness to settle down - that's common and easy to find), I don't talk about what I'm looking for at all.

It's up to her to show interest.

And, yes, if she asks me what I'm looking for in communication, I'll answer. There's no reason to hide that information. (And I'm happy that she's interested enough to ask.)

So, if she doesn't mention it, when do I?

I'll do it on the phone.

As I've mentioned, one of my favorite phone questions is, "So... what made you decide to start on eHarmony?"

Yes, it puts her on the defensive a little. She has to say why she's not a social reject who can only find guys online. She'll usually respond with what she's looking for, and how she sees eHarmony as helping that.

Reciprocate. At this point, passing each other's tests feels good. And you've at least introduced the subject to see if you're at least (generally) looking for the same things.

One final note? If you aren't looking for a serious relationship... there are a lot of women (who are) that assume that men are. And they can get angry when they hear that they've wasted communication time with a guy who isn't looking for a serious relationship.

If you care about this (and you may not), then I'd put what you're looking for in the profile.

When she's itching for a fight...

Here's another spice for you guys... But it's a volatile one. Use it at the right time - it works great. Use it at the wrong time - it can blow up in your face.

But... has your girlfriend ever got into one of those moods? The one where she's just itching for a fight for no real reason? Where she just keeps egging you on from random topic to random topic?

Okay, maybe not a lot. But it's annoying when it happens.

Call her on it.

"Awww... she's trying to pick a fight with me. That's soooo cute."

She'll either laugh... or really start tearing into you.

Elements of Confidence

For the next mental attribute, I'll cover that big "C" - Confidence.

A lot of seduction literature stresses the importance of confidence, but doesn't describe how you demonstrate confidence in your interactions. So... here's a summary.

Confidence to be selective
You aren't the typical guy, who's looking for just anyone. You are looking for the right person. And you aren't going to know whether someone is right for a good long time.

In the meantime, you're having fun. But if she's not what you're looking for... you know that it's time to move on. And you know that you deserve, and can get, what you want.

What do you want? That depends on you.

Confidence to be genuine
You're not out to impress her. You're just a guy who's being himself, and having a good time. Whatever that means to you.

If she has a good time with you? Great. She's passing your tests.

If she's not? Next.

Confidence to advance the relationship
You can read a woman's signals, and you're comfortable with advancing the relationship when things are ready.

Establishing touch is a sign of comfort, not a sign of conquest.

When a woman's being flirtatious, you're comfortable and confident in your abilities.

When the time is right, you can take the lead.

And if you make a mistake? You don't get upset. You can even laugh about it.

Not there yet? It comes with practice. Keep pluggin'.

Quality #3: Listen critically.

Hormonal thinking is a funny thing.

When we're with an attractive woman, and the hormones start kicking in, a lot of us see what we want to see, and hear what we want to hear.

Unfortunately, when we're like this, it's rarely attractive.

Women tell us important things when they talk to us.

Sometimes it's a matter of body language. Volumes have been written on "indicators of interest" and "indicators of disinterest". When she's showing interest, you need to advance, or things will start getting weird. If she's showing disinterest, listen for awhile - she'll either tell you why, or she feels that you're getting too warm before you've demonstrated that she's earned your attention.

Sometimes, she'll put her "stuff" out there quickly. For example, when a woman talks about her plans to leave the city in a month... you can bet that she's not looking for a long-term relationship. And will probably become very uncomfortable if you act like you're looking for one from her. (Probably with a reaction of, "Aww... that's sweet, but I can't see myself with you that way." And a quick dumping, before things get more uncomfortable for her.)

So, when she's talking... don't leap to agreement or awe. Listen. Critically. And demonstrate playful curiosity.

If she's interested in you, she wants to earn, and qualify for your attention.

Don't disappoint her. Unless you want to.