Profile Clinic: Alpha me up!

Okay, folks, it's time to hit the profile clinic again...

This profile is from "Celery", who writes that, of 75 matches provided, 25 have closed him. Only one woman went into open communication with him - and she stopped replying as soon as they entered open communication.

I think we can safely say, the "attraction level" of his current profile is pretty bad, indeed.

Let's see what we can do to figure out what's wrong.

The best thing about the standard eHarmony profile? They start with a really good question. One that can engage women emotionally, and demonstrate how you're different from the other guys that are out there.

Let's see how he uses this opportunity...

1. What are you most passionate about?

Some might call me a "gadget-head," but I find it fascinating how technology continues to shape the way we live our lives.

Not an auspicious start.

In the past, I've talked about the attraction "triggers" of idealization, mirroring, and twinship.

This section doesn't trigger idealization at all. Gadget collectors aren't terribly idealizable.

If a woman is a die-hard gadget girl, who has no shame... it might provide some mirroring and twinship. But such women are few and far between. And my guess is that Celery doesn't want to focus his search exclusively to these women.

But, on the other hand, when you mention "gadgets", and the importance of "technology"... you're developing a bit of a "nerd factor". And many women make snap judgements about such men. They see them as highly improbable mirroring, idealization, and twinship partners.

So, this section is pretty weak.

But it comes close to something that could work much better.

The fact is... I doubt that Celery just likes collecting batches of circuit boards and wires.

He likes what these gadgets do.

I know. I'm a gadget guy myself. And I love what my gadgets do for me.

My smartphone? A great way to call, email, and SMS my buddies at the last minute for some spontaneous fun. And to organize my busy life.

My home entertainment system? An essential tool - if I'm going to throw a party for my friends.

My MP3 player? A great way to relax, let go, and let my mind flow...

The gadgets? They're tools. But they're tools that allow me to do things that are interesting and idealizable. And they relate to activities that most women can relate to.

So, why talk about the tools at all? Just talk about what you like to do with those tools. Whether it's disappearing into a musical wonderland, throwing parties that your friends all look forward to, or organizing a busy social life. Or whatever else these gadgets allow you to do.

Moving on...

2. What are the THREE things for which you are MOST thankful?

1. Good health

2. Close friends and family

3. Live music

1 and 2 are a little too generic and safe for most purposes, but might be okay if the rest of the profile is strong. Unfortunately, when your profile lacks that idealizable "Alpha male" factor, "Close friends and family" might mark you further as the unidealizable, wishy-washy guy. You might want to change that one.

3. Other than your parents, who has been the most influential person in your life and why?

My best friend has gone through a lot in the past few years, enough to turn a die-hard optimist into a cynic. But he keeps his eyes set on his goals and maintains a positive outlook despite his hardships. That's inspiring to me.

Again, there are some good elements here. But there are also a lot of problems.

First of all, it almost discusses the adversity his friend has gone through more than the fact that he's an optimistic goal-getter.

Next? He's looking like his friend's sidekick. And, in a profile already lacking that "Alpha male" factor, it's continuing to compound the problems that this profile has.

But it's a killer topic. Let's change the focus. My first draft rewrite would be, "That would have to be my best friend, _____. In spite of the difficulties that he's had in the last few years, he's still maintaned his optimism, idealism, and positive outlook on life. It's good to have friends who can maintain such positive energy!"

This is much more positive. And it looks like you're choosing to have this person in your life - not like you're a tag-along to someone else.

Moving along to the eHarmony checkboxes...

4. The four things your friends say about you are:

* Perceptive

* Caring

* Intelligent

* Genuine

5. What are three of your BEST life-skills?

* Using humor to make friends laugh
* Continuing to expand my knowledge and awareness
* Communicating my innermost thoughts and feelings

Again, when you're having difficulty maintaining idealizability, "Caring" and "Communicating my innermost thoughts and feelings" might magnify these problems. You might consider changing them.

6. What is the most important quality that you are looking for in another person?

The cornerstone of any relationship is great communication. Whether it's having a serious conversation about our future, leaving a special message on a sticky note in each other's lunch bags, or cracking jokes over drinks with friends, I want someone who is open to communicating at all levels. I'd also like to meet someone who can make me laugh (a rare thing for a girl – good luck!)

Again, I think that, if we can keep the mirroring potential, but make sure that you're still the "Alpha male", we can make this a lot stronger.

Here's a first draft of how I'd rewrite it:

"I'm looking for a woman with an ease around her. A woman who can join me in cracking jokes over drinks with friends. Or flirt with notes that we'd leave in each other's lunch bags. Oh, and if you can make me laugh? That'd be icing on the cake."

Again, maintaining the mirroring, and the level of challenge. But keeping an "Alpha" status.

7. Other than your appearance, what is the first thing that people notice about you?

I am a good listener and enjoy hearing people talk about their lives rather than focusing on my own. Also, my smile gets me some compliments :)

If the first sentence doesn't scream unattractive beta-male, I don't know what does.

Do yourself a favor. Head over to this page.

Read what women really think when they hear a guy say this.

And when you understand why this is such an attraction-killer, rewrite it.

Let's move on. Before I really start to rant.

(But don't feel too bad. I made the same mistake a long time ago. And had the same results you did.)

8. What is the ONE thing that people DON'T notice about you right away that you WISH they WOULD?

People don't always get my dry sense of humor right away. Usually when I come out with a line, it takes people a second to realize that I'm joking.

Again, some good stuff here. Unfortunately, it's buried in so many weasel words and phrases that it's lost a lot of it's power.

Don't weasel up. Here's how I'd rewrite it:

"I have a dry sense of humor. Sometimes, people don't realize when I'm teasing them."

There. No weaseling out.

Much better, yes?

And if it doesn't really reflect you... go ahead and change it. But don't be a weasel.

9. How do you typically spend your leisure time?

I love DC – it's one of the greatest cities in the world. There's nothing like a day with friends cheering at a Nat's game or seeing a show at the 9:30 Club. If I'm in a quieter mood, I'll take in a wine tour or spend some time at a museum. Since many of my friends have moved in recent years, I have an excuse to travel around the country! A big part of my autumn involves season tickets to my college's football games. I'm also a big movie buff, and try to catch anything that look interesting (particularly if I get a chance to check out the local "artsy" theatre).

Actually, this is the best part of your profile. You're being yourself. You're telling people what you like. You're not trying to impress, and you're not trying to shoe-horn yourself into someone else's life.

I'd leave this alone for now. Maybe, in the future, you might experiment with cutting this down a little bit - sometimes, when people provide such a variety of activities that they enjoy, it makes people suspicious. But I think that focusing on other areas, for now, will be more productive in improving your results.

10. What are five things that you "can't live without?"

a. Gym membership – got to stay active!

b. My cat, Coco, who plays fetch like a dog.

c. GPS – gives my life direction

d. Optimism – always look on the bright side of life

e. Sunglasses – due to my optimism, I need the shades…

Again, this looks better. I'm starting to see a person here. Not a spineless suck-up.

11. Describe the last book that you read and enjoyed. What was it about? What did you like most about it?

I really enjoyed "Into the Wild" by John Krakauer because it helped me understand how your approach to life influences those around you.

A little more detail might help. I haven't read the book yet (it is on my reading list), but, I think there are a lot of more specific parallels you can point out. How his optimism influenced others. The amazing things that can happen when you take a few risks.

Again, just a little more specificity will make this more intriguing.

12. Describe one thing about yourself that only your best friends know.

I am slightly embarrassed to admit that my iPod is stocked with 80s music. Guilty pleasure...

Don't weasel. Don't feel guilty. Say it. Own it. Be it.

You'd be surprised to discover how many women will relate to this.

13. Is there any additional information you would like your matches to know about you?

I absolutely love to cook but loathe going to the grocery store. If you love shopping but hate cooking, we really need to get together!

Cool. I'll bring you some groceries. You're going to spend hours cooking me a fantastic gourmet meal. Right?

Oh, wait, you're not willing to do that for me?

You're just being a nice guy?

I think you need to reread the "nice guys" thing. Again.

Okay, I'll stop beating you up now.

But you still need to come up with a better call to action.

Anyway, I hope I've been helpful. Please - keep in touch, and let us know how you're doing.

And good luck!