Reversing the failure spiral : Take your head out of the game.

In our last column, we talked about the problems people have when they're in the "failure spiral". It's a tricky place - when you're doing badly, you start to think about why you're doing badly, you cover up (even further signaling your emotional state), leading to doing worse... etc.

And in our last paragraph, I talked about how important it is to take a step back, when you're in this state. And taking a break is usually a very good idea.

When you've settled down a little bit, and you're feeling better about yourself... it's time to start over.

When you're in the "failure spiral", you make a lot of changes... and almost all of them make you look worse.

So... it's time to start over.

My advice is designed for people who are starting "at the bottom". Start with your profile, and follow my communication advice like you're a social robot. For now.

Follow my instructions to the letter. Don't try adding anything. Because, when you're in a failure spiral, anything you add will probably be wrong.

You won't do fantastically well with the "social robot" approach. But you'll do a lot better than you did before.

And once you start to succeed, you'll have a basis for understanding when your changes are succeeding, and when they're not.

One final bit of advice for people in the spiral tomorrow...

In a failure spiral? Step away from the computer!

Lately, I've been getting a lot of email from people in what I call the "failure spiral".

It's a vicious cycle where people start to fail. They become more self-conscious. They try harder, not realizing that, by doing so, they start to look more desperate. Which just makes their results worse. Which makes them try even harder... you get the idea.

And I can see that it's hurting a lot of you. Although I'm tempted to quote some letters... I think it might be embarrassing. And, if you're a letter-writer, and you think that I'm talking specifically to you, I'm not. I get a lot of these letters.

The first thing you need to do - refocus.

You can't let your results on eHarmony determine your self-worth.

You're making mistakes. That's okay. eHarmony isn't helping you - they want people to believe that they're an effortless solution. Popular culture isn't helping you - their view of how to attract people is based in fantasy, not reality. The sad fact is, there are few people who effectively teach men how to do better. So, it's not your fault that you're doing badly.

And you're not going to reverse the spiral overnight.

So, the first step? If you're feeling anything other than indifference or amusement... step away from the computer.

If your emotions are really raw, consider taking a break from eHarmony.

If you can't do that, limit your time. Logging on twice daily is plenty. An hour a day (total) on eHarmony-related pursuits is a lot of time - don't spend more than that. If you have to, redirect your eHarmony email to a different account. And if running the eHarmony .html script is too much of a temptation for you... shut it off.

And in the time that you're not on eHarmony... do things that make you happy. And have a great life.

Because quality women don't want to be with a man who builds their entire life around eHarmony.

More advice on reversing the "failure spiral" when I return on Monday...

Creating a success spiral (Or: "Positive thinking isn't just hippie bullcrap.")

I've talked a lot about the "failure spiral".

It's the mental state that people enter when they're unsuccessful on eHarmony.

As a result of their beliefs that they're failing, men start doing more of the things that identify themselves as undesirable.

Some smart readers might ask, "Instead of creating a failure spiral, can you create a success spiral?"

Absolutely.

And, as hokey as this sounds, it may start with you imagining yourself as the captivating, interesting guy that you want to be.

At first, that image will be a little vague and blurry. That's okay.

But, as you keep on reflecting on who you want to be, you'll start noticing subtle differences between how you behave in your imagination, and how you're acting now.

Notice those differences. And start turning yourself into the guy you're imagining.

Now, I know. There are tons of new-age gurus who give that advice. They might call it "The Secret", "Visualization", "Affirmations", or, even "Prayer".

But, in my opinion, a major reason why these things really work isn't because of supernatural forces. (Although, if you want to say those forces are in play, as well, I won't argue with you.) But all of these techniques are ways of creating a habit of imagining yourself as the person you want to be, and reflecting upon what needs to change in order to become that person.

And that's a good habit to be in.

Self-confidence Boot Camp - Part One

A funny thing happened last week...

I started the week talking about profile photos. Which are an important part of improving your results on eHarmony.

But... during the week, web traffic fell. A lot.

I was confused for quite a while. But, when I thought about the times when I was struggling to improve my results on eHarmony... the answer came to me.

Yes, I've already told you that, most of the time, people do poorly on eHarmony because of what they're doing wrong, and not because of physical flaws. The fact is, you don't have to be very "conventionally" attractive to do well on eHarmony. In fact, pickup-artist lore often points out some disadvantages to looking "perfect".

But, when you're in the middle of a failure spiral... that's a hard thing to see. All you see is your failure, which you blame on your appearance.

Well... if you really think you're too unattractive to get the woman you desire, you're probably wrong. And I'm going to prove it to you.

Because, when I was caught in that spiral... I needed that proof too. This "boot camp" series summarizes the experiences that made me change my mind about how attractive I was. I bet it will help you too.

So, here's step 1 of your self-confidence boot camp.

For now... don't take new pictures. Just collect every photo that's been taken of you in the last 2 years. And ask a friend to go through your photos, and pick the one that s/he thinks you look your best in. Don't pick that photo yourself - when you're in the failure spiral, you can't judge your own appearance very well at all.

Even if you think that photo is awful - scan it, and post it on http://www.hotornot.com . Don't worry, it's a free service.

Log in regularly (several times a day), and rate women's pictures. This ensures that your picture will be rated as frequently as possible. And wait until you've received 100 votes.

No, I don't think you're going to be a 10. But you'll get useful information from this exercise. We'll talk about that soon.

Profile Clinic: Knowing when to stop.

Okay, time to take a break from the "attachment model"... and get back to the profile clinic.

"Wil E. Quixote" writes that, despite frequent editing and reediting of his profile, he continues to do poorly - he's been matched with over 120 people, and has been in open communication with one.

I know the cycle of "reediting". I wrote about it several times. I did a search for my "failure spiral", and I'd recommend that he reread these articles.

The good news? He does have good material in his profile. The problem is - he's trying just a little too hard. My guess is that, if he were to state his positives in a short, confident manner, he'd start doing much better.

So, here's a new starting point, from the vantage point of someone out of the spiral.

My suggestion? Take this, and leave it alone for awhile. If you want to introduce a change, introduce them one at a time, and don't make any further changes until you know the results of the last change you made.

So, let's get crackin'!

When asked about his passion, Wil wrote:

I am interested in many things. I get excited about ideas and concepts. I enjoy discussing ideas or being exposed to new things. I also dig language and stories. The shows and movies I love the best have popping dialogue and dynamic concepts. But the greatest of these is love for my friends and the passion I feel for helping my students.

One characteristic mistake that people make in the "failure spiral", is that, when the question asks for one thing, they lose focus. They don't know what will "sell". And they start listing a lot of things, hoping that something will hit the target.

He needs to be confident, and stop trying to sell. He could just answer with the first two sentences - they're short, concise, real, confident, and consistent with the rest of the profile. (I'd change the "or" to "and", though.) Or, he could rewrite the answer to state "the passion I feel for helping my students". (I'd skip "love for my friends" - far too cliched.)

Pick one. Stick with it. Be confident, and brief.

When asked to describe the most influential person, Wil writes:

I had two extraordinary teachers, Mr. Stewart and Mr. Alcock, who mentored and encouraged me. I have been blessed with a lot of great people in my life, but they are the ones who I model myself after, as a teacher and a man.

I'd dump the second sentence. And I'd hint at one specific thing they mentored or encouraged you to do. One extra sentence, maximum. And, please, don't make it a run-on.

And, now, the checklists:

4 things friends say:
# Affectionate
# Articulate
# Kind
# Funny

life skills
# Using humor to make friends laugh
# Finding pleasure and contentment in simple things
# Being a good friend and companion

I'd keep the life skills. As far as "things friends say", I've noticed that more commanding and "alpha" responses get more responses. Funny and articulate are both "alpha" traits, and I'd keep them. "Kind" and "Affectionate" are less so. I'd consider finding other alpha traits that are consistent with his personality.

Now, when asked what he's looking for, he writes...

I'm hoping to find a chatterbox with a sense of humor and an interest in ideas. I enjoy talking about random things. Philosophy. 80's TV. Crazy animal trivia. A pretty close second is that I gravitate towards people who are affectionate. All the people I've strongly connected to have been verbal and they've been warm.

Good - but he's selling much harder than he needs to. I'd cut everything out of this section but the first sentence. The rest of the profile supports this sentence just fine.

Now, as far as the first thing people notice....

I have a sense of wonder and play about a lot of things. I still notice hawks in the sky and put on foreign accents for my own amusement. I like being silly.

This is pretty good. I'd either keep this, or I'd take "I enjoy talking about random things. Philosophy. 80's TV. Crazy animal trivia." out of the last section, and put it here.

I'll let you pick. But pick only one. Don't try to use both.

As far as traits people don't notice right away, Wil writes:

I'm pretty heavily faceted. People who see one side of me are often surprised by the other sides. If you get The Clown, The Thinker, or The Caretaker, its worth knowing that there are other parts of me.

This is a non-answer. It describes everybody - not just you. And it looks like you're wimping out.

I'd pick one "facet", and write about that. You've already made "The Clown" and "The Thinker" obvious. And I'd avoid "The Caretaker" until she's earned enough credit to earn that role from you. Pick another facet, and write about it. Two sentences maximum. And make them short.

When asked to describe his leisure time, Wil writes:

I read a decent amount. Not as much as I did when I was a kid, but you cant drive to work reading. Or so I'm told by a CERTAIN TRAFFIC COP. I rollerblade some. I love to polish my cooking skills. They are actually reasonably shiny by now. I play boardgames a fair amount. "Apples to Apples" and "Betrayal At The House On The Hill" are favorites. But most of all, I love to share ideas and stories. I'm pretty open to new experiences. Mostly I love hanging out with interesting people.

There's good stuff here, but it's buried under weasel words and weasel phrases. Here's how I'd rewrite it.

"I read a lot. I rollerblade. I like to polish my cooking skills. I play boardgames - 'Apples to Apples' and 'Betrayal At The House On the Hill' are my favorites. But, most of all, I love hanging out with interesting people, sharing ideas and stories."

If you want to throw the joke back in... hold for awhile. After you know how your profile plays without the joke, add it. But, right now, the joke seems to represent the "try harder" attitude that is hurting your efforts. For the sake of example, leave it out for now.

And now, for the last book he read...

I am re-reading Story Of The Stone by Barry Hughart, and I'm really loving it. If you imagine Han Solo and Sherlock Holmes combined, made them chinese, and 100 years old in ancient china, that would be the main character.

I also like Harlan Coben in general. He writes very taut thrillers. One of the things I like about them is that they are a celebration of regular folks and the basic goodness of people. I also read a lot of Terry Pratchett, who is basically what you get if you stick The Kids In The Hall in a blender with traditional fantasy novels. Really. Its freaking hilarious.

The second paragraph? Trying too hard. Get rid of it.

The first paragraph could stand some tightening up, as well. I'd go with, "I'm re-reading 'Story Of The Stone' by Barry Hughart, and I'm really loving it. Combine Han Solo and Sherlock Holmes, make them Chinese, and set them 100 years ago in ancient China. That would describe the main character."

As far as what only his friends know, Wil writes:

My best friends EARNED the right to know these things by doing four tours in Sarasota, braving nearly blind snowbirds in cadillacs, encephalitis, and tropical storms. You have to at least go out on a couple dates with me. 8)

This approach is common, and it's a wimp-out. And the forced humor doesn't help matters. A complete rewrite is in order.

Good news? We've cut a lot of material. We can use one of the scraps here. "I get geeky about animal trivia." "I still get hypnotized by 80's television reruns." "I put on foreign accents for my own amusement." Pick one, and only one. And keep it just as short as I typed.

Finally, Wil ends with this call to action:

Not really. If you havent been watching Pushing Daisies, you should. I just like to plug the show. Its that good. Your other shows are in re-runs. Give it a try.

For now, stick with a standard call to action. If you really want to try plugging "Pushing Daisies" instead, do it as an experiment after you already know what a standard call to action does.

And there you go. Your personality is still there. We certainly haven't buried it. We just stopped overselling it. And it makes you look much more confident.

This profile won't appeal to everyone. But, my guess is, he won't want to meet women who aren't interested in the guy that we've described. It looks like a good start.

Give it a shot. And resist the urge to edit until you know how things are already working, okay?

Good luck. And let us know how you're doing, Wil!

In the failure spiral? Here's how to take a break!

A lot of guys, despite my advice, just can't seem to get themselves out of a failure spiral - that self-perpetuating cycle where guys feel that they are doing badly, try even harder to get women's attention, do worse... and so forth.

First of all, take a breath. And take stock of your successes.

Did you get any dates from your eHarmony experience?

If so, it's not a failure. According to most surveys of "online dating" subscribers, most people who subscribe to these services don't even land one date. So... if you even landed one, you did better than most. And, if you didn't... well, that makes you normal.

But the biggest problem you're facing? It's the pressure. The internal need to be "successful", or whatever that means to you. And that attitude will hurt your ability to meet people on eHarmony.

And if you just can't get over that feeling... it may be time for a break.

But, if you take a break - make it a total break. Stop trying to meet women.

Make yourself a social calendar. Try to find something fun to do every day. And do it for you. Not to meet women.

Try picking up a few new interests. You may like them, or you may not. Just try them.

Treat yourself well. Eat food that you enjoy - not just food that you choke down. Buy yourself nice clothes. Consider working out - People feel better when they work out regularly.

And just try to build an active social life.

Yes, if you do this, you'll run into women.

That's fine. Just talk to them like normal people. Don't try to get anything from them other than conversation. (And if they don't want to talk to you? That's fine. Leave 'em alone.)

When five women want to meet with you (romantically or not) outside of the situation where you've met... you're probably in the right frame of mind to return to the dating field.

Sure... there are lots of "programs" to meet women. Other online services. Singles groups. Speed-dating. I could name a million of them.

But none of these will solve the "gotta-have-it's".

And when you've got the attitude of needy desperation... it's extremely hard to attract healthy people.

Anger: The Hidden Side of Desperation

Usually, when people are doing poorly on eHarmony, they do a lot of things that are counterproductive to their success.

I've talked a lot about the classic "try harder" failure spiral, so I won't repeat myself there.

But, there is another failure spiral as well. It's a cycle of anger.

A lot of times, it's easy to become angry at one of your potential matches. She hasn't responded to an email in a week. Or a series of women who looked really promising refused to open. Or she's "too busy" to go on to the next step of a potential relationship.

The trouble is... when you're angry, you're showing that you're injured by her behavior. But, the fact is, she's a stranger. And, if you're angry at someone you've never even met... she has too much value in your life.

And that much dependence on a stranger's behavior? It's scary. And very unattractive.

If a woman isn't interested in talking to me? Well, she has a right to decide what she wants - just like I do. And if she sees absolutely no interest... well, I'm glad she's not taking time away from my meeting the women who are intrigued. So, it's really no loss. I wish her luck in finding what she's looking for.

If she's too busy? I'm glad to know about it now. There are women who think eHarmony can give them the impossible - the ability to meet men without interrupting their overcrowded and overscheduled lives. If a woman is too busy to meet a guy she's interested in... I feel sorry for her, and hope that she's able to get her life in order someday in the future. But I'm glad that she isn't wasting more of my time.

If she isn't making my standards? She never guaranteed me that she would. I close her, and wish her luck. She may be right for someone else - even if it's not for me.

If I'm having a bad run? Maybe it is a bad string of luck. Or, maybe I'm doing something wrong. But I'm never going to solve a problem by blaming her for it.

So, if you're angry... take a closer look. Odds are, it's your attitude that's making you angry. Not her.

How do you overcome conversational anxiety? Practice.

When it comes down to the first date, one of the more realistic fears that people have is in holding a conversation. (Establishing touch is also a big fear, but we've covered that in the past.)

In my experience, fear of awkward conversation is the end result of a different type of "failure spiral". The spiral goes something like this:

You become anxious about starting a conversation.
You avoid having the conversation.
You don't practice, because you're anxious.
You become more anxious.
You avoid more conversations.
You become even less practiced.

And so on.

Believe me, I've been in that spiral. And the first step in overcoming conversational shyness is to start reversing that spiral.

The key? Get more practice.

Make it a goal to talk to more strangers.

Don't even try to think of these as "approaches". Talk to men and women. In fact, in the beginning, it's probably better if you don't practice on people that you're attracted to.

I think you'll be surprised at how many strangers will actually want to engage you in conversation. I know that I was.

Just ask questions. About what they're carrying. Or where they're going. Whether they live or work nearby.

And learn to get the conversation flowing.

Because, when you're back in the habit of having conversations with strangers, it becomes much easier to have conversations on your dates.

And so, it begins...

Here it is. My first attempt to come out from behind my focus groups.

People probably need an introduction... so here it is.

What is eHarmony Cracked all about?
eHarmony can be a great way to expand your social circle, and meet "compatible" women that you, otherwise, may not have met.

Unfortunately, although eHarmony is good at matching people who may be "compatible", it does little to help its members present themselves in the most appealing way possible.

What will we be talking about?
I have quite a few things that I'll be blending together in this site. My emphasis will be on areas where I believe I can provide unique insights. These include:

• The mental game - In PUA circles, this is often called, "Inner Game". Unfortunately, people who are unsuccessful in dating fall into a spiral of failure. Seeing themselves as failing, they try harder to please a woman. Unfortunately, these behaviors signal that you're wounded... and women prefer to stay away. In my "Mental game" articles, we'll talk about how you recognize these behaviors, and how to change them. And, in the process... I bet you'll feel a lot better about yourself, as well!
• Attracting through eHarmony - Once you've got the mental game down, this part becomes a lot easier. But, some people who are in the failure spiral need concrete examples of how people with proper "mental game" act. By following this advice... you should see improvements, from building attractive profiles, all the way through those first dates.
• The "long game" - Many PUA sites give great advice on how to get through the first dates. Unfortunately, there's little written about how to maintain (or end) a long-term relationship. To be truthful, I don't think there CAN be any experts on this... but I'm going to give it a shot.
• Ramblings - Hey, it's my blog. Sometimes, I'll just want to rant. Maybe you'll learn something, and maybe you won't, and maybe we'll have some good discussions in the "comments" sections.

Things that I'll talk about a little (but not a lot, because other sites cover them well):

• The first dates. How to move from attraction in the virtual world to the real world.
• Earning the "milestones". (Making out, escalating to sex, etc.)

Things I won't be talking about:

• Bar/live pickup. There are TONS of good Pick-up websites and resources. (And, frankly, I suck. For me, it's an ineffecient way to meet the people that I want, so, I just don't get practice.)
• Using other dating websites. Again, there are lots of good resources.

Who can be a member?

I've restricted this website to members. Basically, I only want this to be read by people who will actually use and contribute.

If you're reading this, you're a member.

If you know someone who would be a good member, email me. I'll add him or her to the list.

... but, you are responsible for the behavior of your guests. If you invite a lot of bad guests, you risk losing your membership. So, choose your friends wisely.

A few words from our lawyers

This site is not affiliated with, sponsored by, or related in any way to eHarmony.com. If you would like to visit their site, please use the following link: www.eharmony.com .

By reading this blog, you agree to all of the following:

• This is to be used for entertainment, and not considered professional advice.
• You are responsible for any use of the information in this blog.
• If you are under 18 years old, email me immediately. This list is only for people over the age of 18.