It's time to go. At least for now.

Long-time readers have noticed that I haven't posted any "War stories" from my eHarmony search. For quite awhile.

And I have to admit - lately, my search has been pretty undramatic.

Sure, I was communicating with a lot of women. As usual, some had no business using eHarmony, and many were exceptional (in their own ways), but not right for me.

But, lately... that chemistry has been lacking. In any of the people that I'd been talking to. No matter how attractive they were, how much (or little) we had in common, or how the "friendly" banter went.

For awhile, I was thinking that I was having a bad run. Bad luck. A string of bad women.

And I had been taking breaks from my search, because it was feeling like my search was becoming a grind. And it wasn't fun anymore.

But, lately, I'm thinking that the lack of fun doesn't have much to do with the women that I had been meeting. It has more to do with me.

The fact is, I came to eHarmony in pretty bad shape. I was coming out of a bad marriage. And the marriage consumed my life. I didn't have many friends. I knew that I was interested in remarrying someday, but, unfortunately, there are very few places to meet eligible Jewish singles in my community.

And, for awhile, meeting strangers was a thrill. But, now, I'm wondering if it's a wrong turn.

The fact is, meeting folks through eHarmony is still a process of meeting strangers. And, maybe, to build a connection with someone, I need more than an automated email introduction and a guided communication process.

So... I think, for now, it's time to leave my eHarmony search, and focus on enjoying the rest of my life. I'm sure that I'll meet people in the persuit of my passions. And, maybe, I'll meet a great woman along the way. If not... no loss. I'll still have a fantastic life.

Don't worry folks. I'll leave the blog up. I have no regrets about my eHarmony and seduction experiences. Learning to get my mojo back - to be that desirable man - was improtant to me, and I'm sure it's important to a lot of my readers. I'll leave my Google Group up, as well. And I'll continue to work with the people who have requested my coaching services, for as long as they still feel that I'm useful to them. (As far as accepting new people? I'll cross that bridge when I'm asked.)

And, maybe, someday, I might be inspired to return to my postings. But not today.

Thanks for reading. You've all been an important part of my journey. And good luck to you all.

Creating a success spiral (Or: "Positive thinking isn't just hippie bullcrap.")

I've talked a lot about the "failure spiral".

It's the mental state that people enter when they're unsuccessful on eHarmony.

As a result of their beliefs that they're failing, men start doing more of the things that identify themselves as undesirable.

Some smart readers might ask, "Instead of creating a failure spiral, can you create a success spiral?"

Absolutely.

And, as hokey as this sounds, it may start with you imagining yourself as the captivating, interesting guy that you want to be.

At first, that image will be a little vague and blurry. That's okay.

But, as you keep on reflecting on who you want to be, you'll start noticing subtle differences between how you behave in your imagination, and how you're acting now.

Notice those differences. And start turning yourself into the guy you're imagining.

Now, I know. There are tons of new-age gurus who give that advice. They might call it "The Secret", "Visualization", "Affirmations", or, even "Prayer".

But, in my opinion, a major reason why these things really work isn't because of supernatural forces. (Although, if you want to say those forces are in play, as well, I won't argue with you.) But all of these techniques are ways of creating a habit of imagining yourself as the person you want to be, and reflecting upon what needs to change in order to become that person.

And that's a good habit to be in.

Those "card list" women...

A long time ago, I talked about something that I call the "Card List" - a place that I put women, who, for whatever reason, seem too difficult to have in a relationship, but, given time, might grow up a little.

Well, seeing as it's the Jewish New Year, I sent my usual batch of email cards out. With quite a few women replying.

So, what do I really do with them?

Well, if they just write back something along the lines of, "Happy New Year to you too", I don't do anything. People who write something like this are usually just being polite. Any response would probably be too much.

But, fair is fair. If my memories with them were particularly unpleasant, and I've got better women on the line... I'll usually talk about being busy, and drop things quickly.

And, yes, if you play this game, you will get a few "attention whores" - women who want the ego stroke of keeping you on the line. You'll usually be able to quickly figure out who these women are. And consider if they're worthy of your next card distribution.

But, yes. A few women, given time to mature, and the knowledge that you did move to greener pastures before... will start to come in line.

And they're the ones that (barely) make the card list worth it.

When your career "intimidates" your dates...

It's a "cycle of defeat" that hurts both men and women.

Men often come to eHarmony with high hopes. After all, they're accomplished doctors, lawyers, entrepreneurs... or whatnot. And they expect women to come flocking to them, because they've got a solid career.

That rarely works. And guys often think that they're intimidating women with their career choices.

In women? Surprisingly, you can often see the same thing, as this blogger notes.

So... is it possible that your high-powered career is scaring the crap out of your potential dates?

Well, it can happen. A lot of my dates, at first, will make not-so-joking comments about their fears about dating someone with my career. I'm sure that a few women did decide to run away rather than find out more about me.

But, really. If a someone is that scared of me, because of my accomplishments... what does that say about her?

To me - it says she's easily scared. Or that her self-esteem is really low.

In that case - I'm glad she's disqualified herself. And, in the time I saved myself in avoiding that date, I'm out finding five other (and much more worthy) women.

So, no. When it happens, I don't get upset.

But, often, men and women might say this to themselves when they're not doing well on eHarmony.

And they're often overlooking something important.

As I've commented before (and my female commentor agreed), career accomplishments are not enough to make yourself stand out from the crowd.

You need to show people what other things about you make you interesting.

You can't just stand on the laurels of your career accomplishments.

Day off tomorrow...

No post tomorrow, guys.

Happy Rosh Hashanah, to our Jewish readers!

For Members Only!

Well, folks... I took a couple weeks off eHarmony as an expired member. First, because I was on a foreign vacation with a lot more to do. The next week... because I was waiting for a decent coupon.

Anyway, there's one discovery that I made as a nonmember:

The "Who's viewed me" list is only available to members.

So, for those folks who thought that frequent "pops" on the list would entice people to join (an idea that I was skeptical of, in the first place), I'm afraid that's now proven ineffective.

Happy crackin'!

If you're tempted to use "trick" pictures...

To wrap up my discussion of photos (for awhile at least), I've got one final message.

Yes, guys. I know that a lot of women use "trick pictures". It can be tempting to use the same tricks as well.

But really, if you have to resort to trickery, why don't you spend your effort on fixing the problem instead of coming up with new ways to hide them?

If you've got a skin condition, or yellow teeth - why fix it in photoshop when you can go to a doctor, dentist, or pick up some drugstore products and fix the problem?

If you have to come up with creative angles and crops to hide your weight - how about getting into shape? Yes, it's hard. I know. I've had to lose a lot of weight myself. But, maybe it's time to stop covering up, and start the process of repair.

And if you need help finding the right clothes and accessories to look good for your photos - maybe it's time to put that effort toward improving your look after the photo is taken as well?

You can continue hiding. Or you can fix the problem, and never worry again.

I, for one, will choose the latter.

Focus on you - not the background!

As I've mentioned, eHarmony photos shouldn't be taken only with you and a blank background.

But that doesn't mean that the focus of the picture should be the background. It shouldn't.

The picture still needs to show you.

So... here are a few composition tricks.

Perspective matters
It's fun to take pictures on your vacation.

And, often, the sites we see on our vacations are grand... and big.

They can consist of vast scenes - like the Grand Canyon, large gardens, or expansive deserts.

Or they can include things that are really big. Things like amusement park rides. Or dinosaurs.

The trouble is... when you've got a big or expansive background, you usually look pretty small in comparison.

And eHarmony pictures, by their nature, are small. So, if you're cramming that full-scale model of the space shuttle into your picture - your matches may see the rocket - but they can't see you!

A rule of thumb? See if you can get photos where the color of your eyes are visible. In the thumbnails, for close-up shots. On the "My photos" page for full body shots.

This can be tricky for full-body shots, but not impossible.

But remember... just because you're cropping a monument out, it doesn't mean the picture is going to be worse.

You may look good in the picture. And your matches might be curious to know why there's a crowd around you.

...But, as I've said, that's not a question you want to answer in a caption. Let 'em wonder.

The Rule of Thirds
In "classical" photo composition, people are taught that the focus of the photo should be in the center of the picture. And, sometimes, a picture does look better if it's cropped that way.

But, most of the time, I've found that the "Rule of Thirds" works better.

Essentially, imagine drawing a large tic-tac-toe board across the frame of your picture. You should imagine that there are 9 equal squares.

If you decide to use the "rule of thirds", you should try to make sure that you are in a place where the lines of the tic-tac-toe board cross.

In a full-body shot, your head should lie as close to one of the crossings as possible. And in close-ups, I'd see if you could put one of your eyes at one of the crossing points.

Oh, and if you've got some body flaws? You don't want them at the crossing points.

Cut out the clutter!
Finally, if something doesn't seem to add to the picture - cut it out.

If you're at a restaurant - feel free to photoshop out the clutter that's on the table. Things like crumpled-up napkins just distract from the picture. Take 'em out.

Feel free to do the same with other distracting elements. If it's irrelevant - experiment. See if the picture is stronger without that item in the frame.

Why SHOULD you get what you want?

A couple of days ago, I made a suggestion to folks who felt like they couldn't get decent pictures of themselves taken.

My suggestion was simple - find people who are busy taking pictures with their friends. Ask them if they'd like a group photo. They usually want one. Then ask if they'll take your picture in return.

Pretty simple, really. But it's something that's easily forgotten in Internet culture. After all, when you're nameless and faceless, it's easy to write a quick anonymous request. Whether it's asking a woman for guided communication, or a fellow Google Group member for help on a profile.

But, faceless and nameless requests, on the internet, and in real life are usually ignored.

So, if you've made a request, ask yourself one question - "Why should the other person answer?"

If you haven't made it clear why you'd be an interesting guy to talk to... most people won't respond to communication requests.

And if you're asking for help in our Google Group, but you haven't even tried to help any of your fellow members with their questions... most people aren't going to make an effort to help you either.

Relationships aren't just about receiving. You have to give, as well.

(And I'll give you folks a hint - a big reason that I'm doing better on eHarmony today is because I learned so much in the process of helping others.)

When the camera adds a few pounds...

Okay, folks. There's a good reason that I advocate taking tons of pictures, to find the one or two that will make you look good on eHarmony.

Because I really need to do that, myself.

As a guy, I'm in pretty decent shape. I used to be clinically obese, but I've lost over 60 pounds and kept it off for years. I work out a lot. I watch what I eat. A lot of my friends will spontaneously tell me that I need to eat more. And according to medical tables, I'm not overweight.

But, somehow... pictures still seem to show a pot-belly.

Just like most people, I'm just not terribly photogenic.

Now, we could go back to the same camera tricks that women use to hide their weight - but, as I've always pointed out, deceptive photos will kill any potential interest on the date.

But, if it's really a case of the camera adding a few pounds - here are some ways to fix that.

Use perceptual contrast

Photos where I'm standing alone make me look pretty big.

But, when I'm photographed with other people, it doesn't just make me look social.

Now, there's a frame of reference. And, considering that I'm in better shape than the average American (not that that says much), I look a lot more normal.

Heck, when I'm in photos with friends that I consider skinny, I still look better than if I stood alone.

Perspective helps.

Use "rejected photos" as a fashion guide
Over time, you may notice that certain fashion styles work better with you.

For me - tight clothing does accentuate assets, but only to a point. And photos will remind me when I'm going too far.

I've also noticed that, for me, clothing that is particularly dark (black, for example), or brightly colored can also work very well for me.

So, 'ya see... there are some other advantages to taking a ton of pictures.

Go ahead and crop... to a point.
Finally, if there's a photo where you look good from the shoulders-up, don't be afraid to crop the photo.

But don't go crazy with this. You really need to have one or two full-body shots.

If all of your photos look like you've cropped your body out... women aren't stupid.

Better to be honest and confident than sneaky and ashamed.

Collecting photos - without looking like a freak.

One of the keys to having good eHarmony photos is to take a lot of pictures.

Think about it. Supermodel photo shoots use up hundreds of frames - just to find one photo that might be right for the advertisement.

And very few of us are supermodels.

Many folks see my point, but still struggle. They want the photos. But they don't want to look like a freak while they're trying to get them.

And you shouldn't. Here are a few tricks that I use.

The Power of Reciprocity
If you're in a place where there are a lot of people - you'll almost always find someone with a camera, trying to take a picture.

And 99% of the time - they wished that they could get into the picture. But they might be afraid of asking a stranger.

So... solve the problem for them. Ask them if they want to get into the picture, and offer to take it for them.

Some folks will say "no", but very few, in my experience. Most folks will be grateful for the help.

And, after you've taken pictures for them, they'll almost always be willing to take pictures for you.

Simple, but effective.

I'll email you a picture...
Another trick that I use to get pictures?

When I'm at a social gathering, I'll usually take a lot of pictures. And a lot of people will want copies.

Ask for their email address, and let them know that you'll send 'em a copy. Almost no one refuses.

And, if asked, they'll almost always take your picture too.

(And, yes, this is a decent "under the radar" way to get someone's email address, too. This has some disadvantages, as far as approaches go. But it's a good way to get pictures taken...)

Use the hired guns
In pick-up artist terminology, a "hired gun" is someone that is paid to provide services to you. People like waitresses, bartenders, barristas, and other salespeople.

Because of their "hired gun" role, pickup techniques have to be modified to "work" on these kinds of people.

But, if you want pictures... they're paid to make us happy. And they'll almost always agree to take a picture. If you ask, of course.

Just get the picture. Figure out if it's "good" later.
Finally, one other reason that people are shy about taking pictures is their own doubt that a picture would be good.

In the old days (five years ago?), when people had to pay in order to use and develop film, I suppose this made sense. Bad photos did cost money. And hundreds of bad photos would probably cost quite a bit.

But, today... most of us have digital cameras. And after you've paid for the camera - the pictures cost nothing. (Well, okay. There's the cost of electricity. Close to nothing.)

So, now, you don't have to worry.

And you never know if a picture is going to be good... until you've taken it.

So... just take the shot. And decide later if it's one of the few worth using.

Women in profile photos?

Another often-repeated bit of advice is to avoid putting women in your online photos.

In it's original context, it does make some sense. When people put up profile photos that include an ex-girlfriend (or with a woman who has obviously been cut out), people will wonder if you've spent enough time away from her. Or if you're trying to cheat on her.

Obviously, that should be avoided.

Another type of photo that most sources advise against are photos in which you're publicly displaying affection. This advice has become more interesting, especially as many folks in the pick-up artist community are actually suggesting that people do this.

Well, it might be okay for folks that are deep in the pickup artist community. They're not looking for serious relationships. Their profiles consistently point out that they're into online dating for fun and thrills. The personality that they convey in their profile and communications will consistently fit the "playboy" image.

Some women (especially on eHarmony) will not be interested in playboys. And they'll close communication quickly. But that's fine for the dedicated pickup artist, who probably would not want to be with someone who wasn't interested in casual relationships.

So, if you're a consistent fun, playboy-type... Fine. You can get away with those pictures of the times that you're partying and making out with attractive women. But, if you're not, I don't recommend trying this. Because most women (of any stripe) will avoid you if you show any hint of inconsistency in this regard.

Okay, so loving pictures of you and your ex are out. And public displays of affection are a bad idea for most guys.

Should you cut women out of your photos completely?

In my experience, the answer is, "No."

If you're in groups that include women, group photos can work just fine.

And pictures of social occasions that include women in the background, in my experience, have improved my results.

They demonstrate that I'm not on eHarmony because of desperation.

It demonstrates that I meet lots of women. And that I'm on eHarmony because I'm trying to find someone that's right for me.

Some "myths" about eHarmony Photos

As I've mentioned, a lot of advice about online dating is what I refer to as "etiquette-based" advice.

The advice isn't based upon what's effective, or what makes you look best. It's based on what seems proper or polite.

One bit of etiquette-based advice that has been repeated is that you should have clear, honest photos of you standing alone, with no other people (especially other women!), and no distractions.

I suppose it's "polite" for a photo to provide a realistic view of how you look. And I don't disagree with that. Deceptive photos may provide some short-term benefits, but will absolutely kill any chance you have on a date with someone.

But appearing alone against a blank background? My experience shows that such photos can harm your photos' effectiveness.

As I've pointed out before, photos can show a lot more than just how you look.

They demonstrate your genuineness. If you've described yourself as a rugged outdoorsman - a photo can show that you're not just engaging in fantasy.

And, when other people are in the photo, they demonstrate that you're social. Which is an important quality for most women.

Let your pictures demonstrate your personality. Not just your appearance.

Closes - you can't take 'em personally.

So, you've found a woman that you're really interested in getting to know better.

You initiate communication, and eagerly anticipate her response.

The next day? You discover that she's closed you.

Yes, folks. It happens to everyone. And it can be upsetting. Especially at first.

And when it's happening a lot - a lot of men take it personally. They begin to feel like there's something wrong with them.

But, really... why would someone think that?

If it is happening a lot - it's the sign of a bad profile.

That's okay. Building a profile (and selecting your photos) is a skill that says nothing about how worthy you are as a person. I know a lot of great guys (including myself) who had difficulty showing how great they really are.

Remember - they're saying "no" to your current profile - not you. They don't know you yet.

Failing? Build bridges, not walls.

Sorry about the delay, folks. Unfortunately, I got back home later than expected. Thank you, American Airlines...

But the situation did remind me of one problem that many folks on eHarmony face.

Just as the pressures of the marketplace are causing stress on American Airlines, many folks on eHarmony feel the pressure to come up with the "right" profile.

And, in the pressure, they forget one vital thing.

They forget to look at things from the other person's perspective.

As a result, they let their anger and desperation seep into their profiles.

They forget what makes them unique and worthwhile. And they don't build profiles that actually help the other person get to know them better.

And, on the date? On the times when they're lucky enough to get one, they become sessions of "What do I need to do to get to the good parts", and "do you meet my needs?", instead of getting the opportunity to know someone a little better.

And when things don't work? They blame someone that could have been an ally in their search for "the one". If they had only given them a chance.

Remember folks. This process is about making friends.

Give 'em a chance.

I'm on vacation...

See you all back on the 15th.

Read your profile. Really. READ it.

I'm not kidding in my title.

Really. Read it out loud.

Does it sound like something you'd actually say?

Most of the time, when guys are trying to impress, they use language that's much more formal than they use in real life.

Or they try to be too cool, and pepper their profile with more L33T SP33K than substance. LOL. :-)

But, when people actually read profiles that are overly-formal, or too-hip-and-casual... they see someone who isn't being genuine.

Again, it's best to use relaxed, normal speech.

The same way you'd talk in real life.

Hey, sensitive guys...

If you've seen my work on this blog, and in our Google group, you've probably noticed that I come down pretty hard on guys who try to distinguish themselves by being "in touch with their feelings", "sensitive", "nice", and so forth.

Is it bad to be in touch with your feelings as a guy?

No. It's not. But you have to be careful in how you show your sensitivity.

If you portray yourself as a spineless wimp - most healthy women won't want a relationship with a guy who's so "sensitive" that they never know what to do.

If you're offering or implying romantic bribes to women who you don't know... women assume that you have nothing else to offer them.

And if you're just spouting cliches - well, intelligent women know that you're full of it. And they'll stay far away.

And sensitivity, alone, is usually not enough to attract attention.

But... hints toward a sensitive side might be okay.

Enthusiasm toward the arts can be attractive. Service toward worthy causes, as well.

Things that show strength and sensitivity.

Don't try to "fake it". Women see right through fakery.

But genuine, subtle hints toward your emotional maturity can make you more attractive.

My Fellow Americans...

I never thought that writing a blog would come to this.

P.S. If you edit the link, you can put in someone else's name, too. Might be a decent trick, for those of you who incorporate these kinds of things into your approaches.

That's enough labor for today - have a great day, folks!

When did you feel good?

As my loyal readers know, I've started my eHarmony-related consultation services - and so far, it's been an interesting experience.

The guys (so far, they've all been guys) that I've been working with... have all been great. But, often, a little troubled. And not just with eHarmony. And, unfortunately, their profiles reflect their current pain and uncertainty - and not their potential or their optimism.

One question that I've been asking (and that's been helpful) is a simple one - "At what point in your life were things going well for you?"

And most people can think of a time in their past where their (present) worries seemed insignificant.

Times when they focused on the things that made them feel happy and fulfilled.

And they usually pause. And start thinking about how they might start doing those things again.

And, suddenly, tricky questions (such as, "What are you most passionate about?", or, "What are you looking for?") become much easier to answer.

So, if you're stuck in your current doubts and worries, you might want to give this a try. It seems to help the folks that I'm working with...

Free Communication Weekend is upon us...

Well, folks... "Free Communication Weekend" is upon us once again. And, considering it's on the labor day holiday, turnout might turn out okay.

That's turnout.

Personally, I have a dim view of Free Communication Weekend. Unfortunately, it does bring in people who are more interested in "testing the waters" than they are in actually meeting the folks that they talk to.

But, when you initiate communications this weekend, keep a few things in mind:

• They can't see your photo, until you send it to 'em from an email account outside of eHarmony. You may get a photo nudge from matches who don't realize this.
  
• A "free communication weekend" member isn't able to use fast-track unless they convert to paying membership. So, don't initiate fast-tracks with them.
• After Monday... Free Communications weekend ends. And, unless they decide to pay... they'll be unable to communicate with you. Leaving the question: Do you want to rush things along so they won't have to pay? I'll leave that up to you.
• In the past, there have been times where traffic has overwhelmed eHarmony's capacity. So, if you're rushing her along... don't wait until Monday night. Or you may be out of luck.
  
• Don't work too hard. Like I said, most FCWers aren't terribly motivated to meet people. Don't invest a lot of emotional involvement or effort on 'em. It rarely pays off.
• Personally? Having been through a lot of free communications weekends... I'd make your priority having a fun weekend - and not in babysitting your eHarmony account.
  

"Bad girl" - a hidden mirroring opportunity.

I've talked a lot about how guys try to impress in their profiles.

They try to look "perfect". And, when they do it, they often look insincere.

Well... women do it too.

They say the things they think they should. That they're virtuous, morally perfect women. Because, after all, guys are on eHarmony looking for long-term relationships, so they should act like women of virtue, right?

Of course, you know that no one is that virtuous.

But... most guys, when they try to impress women, will actually try to flatter them for the false front that they're putting forth.

So... be different.

I'm not saying that an open communication message saying, "Oh, you're so full of baloney!" will go far.

But gentle, fun questions, challenges, and exposure (and acceptance) of her bad-girl nature is something that most guys won't do.

Be careful (and sparing) in doing this. It's a spice. If you use too much of this, she'll feel like you're treating her like a bad person, instead of a woman who's a "little naughty in a good way".

But, used appropriately, doing this can make things a lot more fun.

War Story: Ice Broken

As I've previously said, I'm no fan of the "icebreaker" feature. In general, I don't advise guys to use it - it makes men look like they're either insecure, or a (cheap) nonmember.

And, usually, I close the women who send icebreakers, dismissing them as unmotivated.

But, I did make an exception - unlike most "icebreaker" users, this one had a fully-filled out profile. And a fairly interesting one to boot.

I did initiate communication - and she responded with an icebreaker. In her case, "Your profile brought a smile to my face!"

I thought hard about this one... and followed my "two strike" rule. With the icebreaker counting as one strike, and no other apparent strikes (unless I looked really hard for one), I decided to try a response.

So, I searched the icebreaker options, and found one that fit.

"Would you like to chat?"

Effectively telling her, if she'd like something to happen, it's time to move.

And, yes, she decided to start communication after that.

Did I convince her to pay? I don't know. And I'm not asking.

"On Hold" is dead. 5 people care.

Every once in awhile, eHarmony makes some changes in the ways that matches can be managed. And we've covered them as they've evolved - from photo nudges, to icebreakers, and everything in between.

And astute readers will notice that I've said a few things about putting matches "On Hold".

Well... forget about it. eHarmony has removed that option.

But don't worry. About the only practical use I saw in the "hold" feature is when you've gone exclusive with someone, and want to let your matches know it.

I don't think anyone is going to miss it.

Skeptical? Listen to this guy...

Okay, I imagine that a lot of my readers ARE skeptical.

After all, women want nice guys, right?

Well, they do appreciate men who can show kindness. But not characterless men who can only say, "I'm a nice guy."

But... it's hard for a lot of people to take that first step.

If so, you might want to listen to the story of "Color Corrected".

Here's his story:

Hey, I found your blog a few weeks ago and signed up for this group recently and have tried to read closely what you guys have used for success and have applied some of what I've learned and the results I am HAPPIER with. Hopefully more tweaks will help get me results I am FULLY HAPPY with.

I have been a eharmony since the end of June and before these first round of changes I only got one match all the way to open communication (she was the one who initiated contact). Most were either quick "other" closes or I never received replies at all and I ended up closing them after a few weeks. A few didn't like like what my profile said and closed me. The open communication turned out to be a dud on the phone and when she passed along her facebook page and I took a look, that was enough. I have no idea how we could be "compatible" we were complete polar opposites.

Hey, you had one. That's better than most. But it's a little unsurprising that you were left with someone who was also trying to create a force-fit.

But let's see how things started to turn around...

I first changed my general information on my profile. Instead of stating "I work in television" I got specific with "television editor". I also dropped all the lists. No more listing of my passions, interests, and what I'm looking for. Those got specific as well with statements.

Aha! Demonstrating passion is so much more effective than listing things you like, yes?

All "buddy" qualities were removed. I am no longer now a good listener and loyal and replaced them with more items about me. Ambitious, intelligent.

I also in the "what people notice" section dropped the wishy-washy "I'm a good guy" quality and told the truth. What I'm known for at my job. I'm assertive and speak up and speak my mind when need be.

Hmm... so they do like it better when you can demonstrate some idealizability. And that you're not just a suckup desperate to fit with any woman. Amazing, huh?

In the photos I dropped any photos that had me in the same clothes. Only one blue T-shirt, one coat and so on. I also got rid of the captions. And in two of the photos that I had cropped to where you could only see me I went back to the full photo. One is of me and an actress I was on a movie set with and the other is of me fixing a camera on set.

Yup. Pictures tell much more than, "How I look". They can also be used to create interest. Good job!

I made these changes about ten days ago and I saw results right away. My profile has been viewed more and viewed more repeatedly. I have four matches past the "must have/can't stand" two of them I have just sent and answered "2nd questions", and one has already went into open communication. Sadly one of the four seams to be stuck now, and of course it's the girl I like the most.

No one bats 1.000. But you're doing much better, it seems... Certainly, a good, strong 10 days' work!

(And remember, you don't know if you like her until you meet her. She may have done you a huge favor.)

I've also noticed that even the closes are "good" closes, if there is such a thing. Closes for distance and age difference. I'd say I'm 50/50 on "other" closes and specific closes. I've even noticed that some of the closes check me out for a few days, viewing my profile numerous times, before closing me. Sadly the HOT 25 year old (I'm 33) closed me after looking at my profile four days in a row. She though I was too old. REALLY?

Sounding more confident already. I'm liking it! (And don't worry... you'll find more hotties soon!)

One last thing I've noticed too. I've seen with some success that if I send questions to a girl who takes a while to answer back. Me simply viewing her profile a few days in a row, letting her know I AM interested, has gotten a couple replies.

Interesting... I'll run an experiment on this. I'll have to admit - I'm a little skeptical. Many matches do take awhile to respond. It does seem likely to me that most women don't obsessively watch the "Who's viewed me" list. And, if she did notice, I wonder if she'd think it's too much attention, too early. But I'll look into it!

Thanks for the help and info. I'll keep you posted.

Glad that I've helped! And I look forward to hearing more of your stories!

Patience, young Jedi. Patience...

For a long time, now, I've been running an experiment to figure out what the best response to an unresponsive match is. Basically - if a woman has a complete profile, and has looked at you, but hasn't responded for a week... what's the best thing to do next?

It's been my slowest experiment ever. I've been at this for months. And I've got less than 6 women in the experiment so far. (Granted, due to my match criteria, I don't get that many matches.)

So far, the most interesting thing about the experiment?

If you do nothing for a week, most women will eventually respond in some fashion.

And data from Quantcast bears this out - the percentage of eHarmony members that check their accounts more than once a week is quite low. (In fact, if they're responding quickly, I'd consider this a sign of interest.)

So, relax. Live your life. Let her live hers.

And pay attention to the women who are paying attention to you.

P.S. Oh, for those who are wondering about the experiment so far? So far, nothing seems terribly effective for a woman who hasn't responded in a week. And if that's a consistent problem for you... it's probably time to work on your profile.

Want to get attention? Be unique...

For a lot of women... dating can become a real chore.

Guys do try to impress. They try to demonstrate why they're "worthy". What they have in common.

When, in fact, men who are worthwhile and have things in common with a woman usually don't have to try to sell those points.

Again, they aren't to be ignored. Mirroring and kinship are useful tools, as I've said in the past.

But, if you're not idealizable as well... you just look like a suckup.

And you don't have to be a "bully" to be idealizable. You just need to look like you bring something to the relationship other than "support".

Talk about things that the woman hasn't experienced before.

If you like music... don't be afraid to talk about performers that don't get a lot of airplay. And get her curious about them. (If you need to be introduced to some new music - Pandora is a good source. And, again, I'm just a fan - they're not paying me to say it.)

On the date? Suggest places that are a little off the beaten path. Anybody can take a woman to Charbucks - and women know that it's a great place to go when a guy wants to "play it safe". But if you take her off the beaten path, and show her something new... you're way ahead of the "boring and safe" guys.

Again, I could go on with things like clothing accessories, other local haunts, interesting stories, and so forth. But they just point out what's central here.

You want to show her what you're about. Not how you can "suck up" or "play it safe".

Oh, you're my best friend ALREADY?

Okay. I get it.

Just about everyone hates the eHarmony profile question, "Describe one thing about yourself that only your best friends know".

Yes, it IS a stupid question.

And, yes, a lot of people answer it with obvious retorts like, "If I put it here, then it isn't something only my best friends would know." Or, "When you become my best friend, you'll find out."

Well, yes, I've experimented with answers like this. And every time I did it, my response rates fell.

Again, part of what you're trying to do in your profile is to look different from the other guys. And you won't do it by giving the same answers everyone else does.

Now, if, unlike most of the other guys, you show that you can actually have fun when you answer a question like this... That's the ticket to making yourself look better than the teeming masses.

No, we're not useful for scammers...

Lately, I have been getting a few emails from people who've been hurt by some of eHarmony's more unscrupulous members.

It does sadden me to hear when people are taken in by scammers. Or they meet someone who is abusive or manipulative in a different way.

But, every once in awhile, I get a letter asking me to stop talking about how people can be more successful on eHarmony. Because, according to them, I may be telling scammers how they can be more effective.

Well... I'm not naive. I thought about this possibility long before I started "eHarmony Cracked". And I have been vigilant to the possibility (even if it did seem slim) that unscrupulous eHarmony members may use my blog's techniques as tools for their own purposes.

So, is it happening? I don't think so. Here's why.

Is there any evidence of scammers using my blog?
First of all, I do look for evidence that scammers are using my blog as an information source.

First of all, I do look at what countries visit my blog. Knowing that many scammers (and potential scammers) come from Russia, Nigeria, and Ghana, I do pay attention when my web analytic software says that I get a visitor from one of these countries.

I rarely get them. And when they do, they usually don't read a lot.

And I'm not hearing any reports of scammers who've been using specific techniques from my blog.

Which doesn't surprise me. Most of the goals of my techniques (for example, getting to the phone quickly) run counter to the goals of the scammers.

Scammers learn from themselves
Unfortunately, scammers have been around for a very long time. Even before "internet dating" became popular, they used newspaper and magazine "personals" sections.

They've had a long time to refine their techniques. And they've been refining them for much longer than I've been writing.

In fact? Sometimes I learn from them. Even if I haven't seen them adopting my techniques.

Non-predatory techniques aren't useful to scammers...
Finally, let's look at the central ideas that inform the eHarmony Cracked philosophy.

I don't tell people what personalities are "attractive". I believe that just about any man, with confidence, can find the women that are right for them.

To me, the journey isn't about "what's attractive to women". It's about believing in the attractiveness that lies within each of us. It's about being genuine, interesting (in our unique ways), and unapologetic.

And it comes from the ability to say, to any woman, "If you don't like this... thanks for not wasting my time. I'll move on to the women that are interested."

And, frankly, it's a philosophy that scammers can't follow.

But it's a philosophy that frees the rest of us.

Yes, folks. It is about sex.

Let's face it, folks. People don't log into eHarmony looking for friends. Or activity partners. Or colleagues.

They're looking for "the love of their life" that was promised in the commercials.

And, unless you're dealing with a very strange and hung-up woman (and there are a few)... she's looking for a sexual relationship.

So, yes, sex is out there.

Now, if you push for sex... that's a problem. There's a difference between a guy who's looking for potential sexual partners, and a desperate guy trying to push an agenda too fast.

But, overall, you shouldn't be afraid of talking about it. Some slight sensuality in the profile can work well for a lot of guys. (Even more so for women.) And, as I've said before, it looks a little bit strange if you don't bring it up in your must haves/can't stands.

So, if she brings it up, demonstrate that you're comfortable. That you're not needy... but you don't have any hangups either.

And you're ready when the moment is right.

What if meeting women WASN'T a problem?

Okay, I realize that most of the people who go to eHarmony are there because they have difficulty meeting women that interest them.

But, for a minute... think about how you'd act if that wasn't a problem.

How would you act differently?

Some guys might not be so eager to please. Or to come up with "right answers". After all, if you had plenty of women to choose from... would you care if she liked the answer to your question?

Others might be more casual in their talk. Or their questioning.

Or they wouldn't push so hard to advance an agenda before they really got to know her. Or stress out when the agenda isn't working the way you hoped.

And, you know what? Women also notice these things. And when men act like they need to push or pursue... they lose interest. Fast.

So, when you're in a difficult spot with a woman, it often pays to ask the question.

"What would I do right now, if I had 11 other women who wanted to talk with me?"

Odds are - that's the right thing to do.

And, if you keep it up... you won't have to act like it's the truth.

Managing "Hot or Not" score drift

Again, returning to the popular subject of rating your pictures on "Hot or Not"...

Another problem that I've seen with this site is that scores, occasionally, will drift.

Sometimes, the crowd is stricter, and gives lower scores.

Other times, the crowd is easier.

I'm not blaming Hot or Not for this - mob psychology could explain this easily.

But it does raise the question - how can you compare the ratings you get today with the ratings you recieved on other pictures a few months ago?

Well, here's how I manage the "drift" problem.

You'll notice that you can keep up to three photos in an unpaid account.

I make sure that one of these photos is the worst-rated photo that I'm currently using.

As scores drift... the score on my archived photo will drift too.

Problem (kinda) solved.

It's an imperfect system. But, as far as coming up with an objective measurement of attractiveness goes, it'll have to do. At least until someone fixes the Helen scale.

The Peacock and the eHarmony Profile

One concept that has been developed (and refined) in the pick-up artist community is the concept of "Peacocking".

It was a concept taken from evolutionary theory - noting that some animals (such as peacocks) made ostentatious presentations of their manhood, in order to attract the females of their species.

And, in the bars (which is where most pickup artists started), ostentatious displays do add to the fun factor. So, yes, guys wore bizarre hats and accessories.

So, you may ask, does that mean that I should take pictures of myself in a feather boa, in order to attract women on eHarmony?

Well... probably not. What may be fun in a club may be a little bit too much for an eHarmony profile. (But you'd be surprised about what people want to try. I've received several emails asking me if I thought that dressing up in a superhero costume would be a good idea.)

But, done properly, some subtle peacocking can be effective.

Some ideas in calibrating your peacocking?

If you peacock - make it a subtle exxageration of your best traits.
For most guys, a superhero costume or a feather boa... just looks silly. And makes you look like you're desperate for attention.

For guys, the best peacocks are subtle exxagerations of their identity.

For example, if you've built a persona as an adventurer... clothing that accentuates that identity may help your "photo appeal".

World travelers might wear interesting, foreign necklaces or bracelets.

If you're a "club kid", dressing as one may be appropriate for you.

Again, take your identity - and let your clothing and accessories demonstate it. In a subtle way.

Make the peacocks social - not bizarre
Bottom line - can you actually peacock in a way that doesn't make you look like a freak?

It's okay to push the envelope a little bit. You want to look like your look could be a natural extension of your personality. But you still want to look like you fit in socially.

Wearing a costume with your friend in your living room? With no one else around? It makes you look like a lonely, immature, man-boy.

But if you've built an identity as a hard-partying socialite... a picture of you in an attractive swashbuckler costume, with a wench by your side, and lots of other people dressed to the hilt in costumes will seem normal.

Again - consistency is key.

The consultant is in!

Well, folks - I'm proud to announce that personalized services are (finally) available.

Again, I'm committed to the blog and google group - you'll see no changes there. But, for people who want private, individualized attention to their specific needs and goals - I'm available. At a cost.

Here are the packages that I'm offering:

Profile Critique Service
Ordinarily, I choose "Profile clinic" articles based on how useful they'll be for my audience as a whole. But, if your profile doesn't fit the blog's needs, or if you want to engage my services privately... you can still get a profile critique. As a bonus, I'll also direct my suggestions to your expressed goals, and provide feedback on your photos.

This service is $175. I will retain the right to use your profile for educational purposes (in my blog, or elsewhere), but will not release your location, name, or photos. If you would prefer to keep your profile private to anything short of a court order, I will be happy to do so for an additional $75 fee.

Hourly Consultation Service
Some people need a little more feedback. They'd like to be on the phone with me as we co-construct their profile, address their communication difficulties, develop their image... or any other eHarmony related problems that they'd like to address. For these people, I'd be happy to provide telephone consultation for $197/hour. (Sorry, I don't bill in fractional hours.)

Again, I will retain the right to use our counseling sessions for educational purposes, but I will not release (or obtain!) voice recordings, and will not release your location, name, or photos. Again, for those who do not want our sessions to be used for educational purposes - I will do so for a $50/hour charge.

Group Consultation Service
Got a group of friends? If you agree to work in a group, your fees (as individuals) will go down. In-person consultation to groups may also be available. Arrangements will be made on a case-by-case basis.

Our Committment to You
Yes, I realize that these services are not cheap. But I'll stand by them.

Before we begin, (and before I bill you a single cent), we will discuss your goals. And we'll discuss how we can measure your improvment. If I don't think I can put you on the path to your goals... I'll let you know. Because if I can't help you, I don't want your money.

If you try my suggestions, but still don't improve? I'll keep working with you until you do. For free. Or, I'll refund your money.

Interested?
Email me at scottigrey@eharmonycracked.com. We'll get the process started.

Don't blend in - take a few risks.

Another common error that I see guys making is in their fashion choices.

A lot of guys tend to wear the same reliable, age-worn standards that everyone else wears.

In other words, clothing that makes you blend in with the crowd around you.

Well, you're trying to look different from the other photos. You're not trying to blend in.

Don't take this too far. You don't want to look like a social misfit, clown, or a guy who's mugging for attention. But you might want to try taking a few calculated risks with your fashion.

Try a few new things.

See what clothes make people pause and say, "Hey, that's a nice _____."

For me, brighter colors have helped. As well as clothes that show my physique a little better.

But, definitely, experiment. And see what works for you.

A little more about this tomorrow...

Photos: Nonverbal communication at it's finest.

Someone once said that 80% of communication is nonverbal. I don't know exactly how that was determined... but nonverbal communication is extremely important.

But, as men, we often focus on the words we use in our profile. We rely on them to let women know who we are, and why we're interesting. We use our words to define ourselves.

And, if you've got a compelling, interesting, and believable identity, women will respond.

But, a lot of guys forget the importance of the photos. Because they're a form of nonverbal communication. And they can give you away, if you're trying to fake an intriguing identity.

If you say you're a "man of adventure", but your photos are all in your office and with your nephews... women won't buy your story.

If you define yourself as the life of any party, but your photos are all of you alone - she'll believe your photos. Not your story.

If you define yourself as a refined, classy guy, but you don't have the wardrobe to match - again, they ain't gonna buy it.

So, keep these things in mind, as you select your photos. Women are not stupid.

Photos - and grabbing attention.

In eHarmony profiles, I've always advised people to tread a line.

If you say too little, or say the same things that everyone else says - women aren't going to pay attention.

If you get too freakish, though, it looks like you're desperate for attention. Or just plain weird.

Well... photos are the same way.

If you can't look like you can put yourself together well - you look weird.

If you have pictures that look the same as everybody else's - they won't grab attention.

On the other hand, if you put out pictures that are so outlandish that it makes you look like you're begging for attention - it makes you look weird or desperate.

So, how do you stand out without grandstanding?

We'll talk more about that in upcoming days.

Get out of your rut!

A few people really struggle to figure out what to write in their eHarmony profiles.

And, for a few people, it isn't just self-censorship. It's that they really can't think about what to say.

When they reflect - their lives are pretty boring. They work a "normal", unexciting job, return home, watch TV, and sleep. And their weekends aren't any more interesting.

If so... it's time to shake things up.

What are some things that you've always wanted to try?

What's stopping you from doing some of these things?

Worst comes to worst? You hate it. But at least you'll have an interesting story to tell.

Best case? You have an interest that other people might relate to.

And you'll become a more interesting guy.

Where's the good stuff?

There's an interesting phenomena that I've noticed on the Google Group.

People often struggle with their online profiles. They keep fussing and fighting over what the "right thing" is to do.

Yet, every once in awhile, in these essays where people are struggling to come up with the "right answer", there's a phrase that really "breaks through".

People reply, "Hey, that's really good."

Usually, the guy replies, "You know, I wasn't really trying. It just kind of came out that way."

To which I reply - That's why it worked.

There was no attempt to impress. Or to be "right".

What you have is a genuine element of your personality.

And those glimpses are rare, among the try-hard attitudes that prevail on eHarmony.

So, relax. And write.

Edit later.

When they've broken the ice with you...

So, you've received an icebreaker. And it isn't a request for photos.

What does that mean? Well, here's some generalities that I've formulated.

If you've initiated communication
In this case, it doesn't mean much. It means you've intrigued her, but she's probably not willing to pay for a membership.

In this case, I'd either close her, or let her sit on the bottom of your match list until she decides to fork over some money.

Don't get your hopes up.

If you haven't initiated communication
Aww. How cute. She wants to show interest without looking like she's really showing interest.

But, yes, she is interested.

And, if you like fast-track communication, go ahead and initiate it. She'll probably accept it.

But, if you do this, make it short. Only show mild interest.

Let her work for more. She's already demonstrated that she will.

When your interests ARE narrow...

Finally, let's talk a little bit about what I call "narrow-interest" searches.

Some are legitimate. They may have moral, ethical, or religious reasons to narrow their search. If (for example) you're an animal activist who is truly dedicated to a vegan vegetarian lifestyle, it probably would be too much to ask for you to meet with someone who won't adapt to how you live your life. And, in these cases, you're probably better off finding potential mates through your social network, and among the activities you attend, rather than trying to find a "match" through eHarmony.

Others... really need to think about what their search says about them.

Say, for example, you did want to narrow your search for a fellow "geek".

Really... do you think that only a fellow geek can understand you?

That you can have nothing in common with anyone else?

If so, you're leading a pretty limited life.

Consider for a moment: Might your life be better if you met a few people who had interests other than yours? Who knows - maybe you'll find some new activities that interest you!

Remember - you're being matched on similar personalities. And someone with a similar personality might have discovered an interest that you've overlooked.

Think about it.

You might enjoy meeting folks who live a little differently than you do.

Profile Clinic: Stop... talking... please!

In my blog, I've repeatedly written about the profile's true purpose: To create just enough interest for a woman to start working to get to know you better.

Some people provide too little detail to engage interest. Some provide too much.

I'll admit, it's a fuzzy concept. Unfortunately, I can't come up with some set-in-stone way to measure whether a profile's detail is "enough".

But, luckily, in our Google Group, Todd provided us a profile that falls squarely on the side of "too much". And gives me an opportunity to illustrate when he's reached that point.

I won't go through his entire profile - my criticism would get repetitive, and, yes, his profile IS long.

But, let's take one of the sections, where he describes the woman he's looking for:

The most important thing to me is excited curiosity. You are someone who is fun at heart and curious about the world. Your eyes sparkle when you are happy and your smile lights up a room. You might be a bit of a geek at heart (not in the tech way, but in the crafty retro/mod way). You have read Craft, ReadyMade and might have heard of Make. You enjoy being outdoors for a walk on the beach or a weekend of car camping. You like to read but also have TV shows you enjoy too. If you enjoy boardgames and logic puzzles even better!

This reminds me of an old joke about a little boy who spends days digging through a pile of manure, smiling and laughing. One day, a guy asks the boy, "Why are you so excited? You're just digging through a pile of manure!"

The boy replies, "With all this manure... there's got to be a pony here somewhere!"

Okay, there's a pony here. Let's find it.

The most important thing to me is excited curiosity.

A good, assertive start. But not enough detail to provide interest, in my opinion. At least not yet.

You are someone who is fun at heart and curious about the world.

Okay, he's demonstrating that he's someone who can mirror a woman who has energy, a sense of fun, and curiosity. Most women would value that. He's made his point.

He could stop here. I would. (I'd just clean up the text a little bit.)

Let's go on:

Your eyes sparkle when you are happy and your smile lights up a room.

If he stopped here, I think it would still be okay. But I think it's still just as strong (if not stronger) without it.

You might be a bit of a geek at heart (not in the tech way, but in the crafty retro/mod way). You have read Craft, ReadyMade and might have heard of Make.

Now, we're running into problems.

First, there's some weaseling. And it kills the assertiveness that he's built so far.

Next is a more difficult problem.

He's setting a standard that most women won't feel good with. Even most geeks feel a little bit of shame.

Now, if he really wants an unashamed geek-girl, more power to him. But, as I've mentioned yesterday, eHarmony is not the best place to look for women with narrow interests.

If he doesn't... why is he putting it here? Especially when he could have stopped 2 sentences ago?

You enjoy being outdoors for a walk on the beach or a weekend of car camping.

First of all, most women will interpret "walk on the beach" as a cliched romantic bribe. And if that's the best of what you offer... not many women will be interested. These need to be avoided.

Car camping? Again, you're really narrowing the field. Again. Be very careful and deliberate when you do this.

You like to read but also have TV shows you enjoy too.

I don't really know what this sentence adds. It does cut down on the excitement that a "short and punchy" response would bring.

If you enjoy boardgames and logic puzzles even better!

Again, narrowing the field, and admitting this isn't really important. And pulling the emphasis away from something that was "catchy". Why do it?

Anyway, thanks, Todd, for letting me use your profile.

And I hope that this helps to illustrate when you've reached "interesting enough"... and when you've gone past that point.

Have a "narrow" search? eHarmony ain't your best bet.

Lately, one of the most common problems voiced in the Google Group is one saying, essentially, "I just don't get matches like the ones I'm looking for."

But, then, you take a look at the criteria they're espousing... It's easy to see why they're having such trouble.

From my understanding, eHarmony proposes that two people are a match when it's models predict that they will be in the top 25% in relationship satisfaction.

That's eHarmony's model. Not yours. And eHarmony's model is based on an overall assessment of multiple psychological traits.

Now, it stands to reason that, if it's only matching you with the "top 25%", that means that you won't see the bottom 75%. So, by using eHarmony, you're already allowing them to make choices that you wouldn't necessarily make.

Now, if you want to make that even narrower - your search is going to be much more challenging.

Say... you're only interested in people who share very narrow interests with you.

Or, you're only willing to talk to the 9's and 10's.

Or, you're only interested in folks that earn a six-digit salary.

That's fine. But eHarmony isn't designed to help you find these niches. And you might be better off meeting people through a more specialized website. Or in (G-d forbid) real-live groups that are populated with the women that you're interested in.

Anyway... sorry. But, when you sign up for eHarmony, you are buying into their model that you'll be happier by not meeting the 75% of the population that significantly differ from you in their list of core psychological traits.

For me, it's been a helpful service.

But if you're not willing to meet people outside of your narrow focus... eHarmony probably isn't the way to go.

Humor: How to use it

Speaking of the things that women say they like... a sense of humor is a common one.

And, yes, a sense of humor is a good thing.

A guy's capacity for humor says a lot about his strength as a human being. That he can face adversity with a smile. That he's social. That he can influence the emotions of others.

All good, idealizable traits.

Unless it's done wrong.

The fact is... yes, a lot of women's profiles and must haves/can't stands lists include humor.

So, as a response, many men try to be funny.

They'll say (and often repeat) in their profiles how funny they are, without demonstrating any humor. Which, immediately, seems ingenuine.

Or, they'll force a joke into the context of their profile or communications. Which makes them look like they're desperate to create some kind of appeal. And, in the process, destroying any idealization they've built.

Can humor be used in a profile? Absolutely. But it should be a subtle spice. It should look spontaneous, not forced.

And, if you're going to use humor, you need to demonstrate it. Not just tell people that you're funny.

Because, let's face it. A guy who has to say that he's funny... probably isn't.

Need to learn approach? eHarmony isn't the way to learn.

eHarmony can be appealing to people who are anxious about meeting women.

And a lot of guys have reasons for that fear to be natural. They may be leaving a long-term relationship or marriage. And that relationship may have been hellaciously bad.

And it does seem a lot easier to meet women on eHarmony.

You don't have to face rejection in person.

And if you're still awkward in starting conversations, guided communication can seem like a comfort.

But, really? If you're just starting to date again, eHarmony isn't the best way to re-learn (or, in some cases, learn) these skills.

The fact is, anxiety gets better when you face the anxiety. Over and over again. Until the anxiety finally goes away. Or gives way to excitement.

Conversational and attraction skills improve with practice. And there's no substitute for that practice.

Unfortunately, eHarmony will slow your ability to meet women, and get the practice that you need.

So, if you need to get over your anxiety... get your feet wet. Don't rely on eHarmony (and, definitely, don't rely on this website) as your only source to meet women.

Remember, there's a reason why the internet Pick-up artists started in the bar.

It wasn't because "bar chicks" are better than other women.

It's because you can introduce yourself to a lot of women quickly, without looking weird.

Now, I'm not saying you have to start in the bar. Or even go to the bar.

But, remember, the only way to build skill and defeat anxiety is practice.

One hitch with "Hot or Not" ratings

In many of my older articles, I refer to the "Hot or Not" website as a way to evaluate your eHarmony photos.

I also said it wasn't the best way, but it does produce an objective number.

Well, I've discovered one new hitch to look out for.

When you get your rating (and, in my experience you need 100 people to rate you before scores become reliable), check the "Best of Hot or Not" page.

At the bottom of the page, you'll see if anyone nominated you for "Best of Hot or Not".

Well... tastes vary. But, when you've been nominated, a lot more people will see your picture on the "Best of Hot or Not" page, in the "recently nominated" section. And if they're intrigued, they'll often click on you for a closer look.

The problem? You'll get more interest from people who are already digging your look. And that will artificially inflate your score.

So, if you get one (or two) nominations, you might want to rerun a "Hot or Not" screen to see how you do when you're not nominated. The score is likely to be more realistic.

... But, if you keep on getting nominated, I'd keep that picture. :-)

But I'm perfect! Why did she close me?

It's the eHarmony beginner's lament.

A profile catches the beginner's eye.

He tells himself, "Wow! She's wants a guy who's just like me!"

He might even edit his profile to emphasize the similarity. (A big mistake, as I've already said.)

A few days later, the beginner sees that his "perfect match" just closed him.

Beginner screams, "WTF??? I was exactly everything she asked for. Why would she close me?"

Well, there are lots of reasons.

Let me give you a few.

It may have nothing to do with you at all!
A lot of people subscribe eHarmony to test the waters. They're not ready to date, but they want to see what the dating world is like.

Others have found other guys. They're not quite ready to become officially exclusive... but their heart is set on someone else. They'll troll eHarmony for "backups", but they're not ready to meet someone new. At least for now.

So... you may be exactly what she's looking for. But she's not ready for your offer right now.

Relax. It's not always about you.

She knows what she needs. She's just not attracted to it.
Some women come to eHarmony after a horribly bad relationship. Or, maybe even a string of horribly bad relationships.

These people are in a state where they see that the guys they left (or the guys who left them) weren't the type of guys that they could develop a stable relationship with.

So, they put up eHarmony profiles telling the world all about how they're looking for the guy that their "bad boy" exes weren't. Respectful. Christian. Trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, curteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty... you get the idea.

These women know what they need.

But they don't know what attracts them.

In fact, many of the scuzzier PUAs mark folks like this as targets.

Because, when a woman says this, the experienced PUA knows that she's attracted to "bad boys". And has a history of being unable to control that attraction.

Remember, folks. When a woman says that she needs to feel safe, safety may be necessary for her to have a relationship. But it doesn't replace attraction.

She's saying what she thinks she should say.
Finally, there is a self-perpetuating cycle on eHarmony.

Women do want to attract the most eligible guys out there. Just like guys want the most eligible women.

And they make the same mistakes we do. (It's little wonder why I have so many female readers.)

Among them? Saying the same things that everyone else does.

Describing what they think other people want, instead of who they really are, and what they really want.

Did you REALLY think she'd tell you what makes her weak in the knees?

Finally, a reality check here.

Let's suppose that a woman really does know what attracts them to a guy. (And that's not a common thing, by the way.)

Do you really think she's going to feel safe revealing these "secrets" to people she doesn't know?

Doubtful. It'd be a very unsafe thing to do.

And you can't expect a woman to do that on an eHarmony profile.

Relax. Read between the lines of her text. Get to know her.

Pretty soon, if she's open to talking to you, you'll know what she's really looking for.

Now, whether the two of you work well together - that's up to you.

Profile Clinic: Alpha me up!

Okay, folks, it's time to hit the profile clinic again...

This profile is from "Celery", who writes that, of 75 matches provided, 25 have closed him. Only one woman went into open communication with him - and she stopped replying as soon as they entered open communication.

I think we can safely say, the "attraction level" of his current profile is pretty bad, indeed.

Let's see what we can do to figure out what's wrong.

The best thing about the standard eHarmony profile? They start with a really good question. One that can engage women emotionally, and demonstrate how you're different from the other guys that are out there.

Let's see how he uses this opportunity...

1. What are you most passionate about?

Some might call me a "gadget-head," but I find it fascinating how technology continues to shape the way we live our lives.

Not an auspicious start.

In the past, I've talked about the attraction "triggers" of idealization, mirroring, and twinship.

This section doesn't trigger idealization at all. Gadget collectors aren't terribly idealizable.

If a woman is a die-hard gadget girl, who has no shame... it might provide some mirroring and twinship. But such women are few and far between. And my guess is that Celery doesn't want to focus his search exclusively to these women.

But, on the other hand, when you mention "gadgets", and the importance of "technology"... you're developing a bit of a "nerd factor". And many women make snap judgements about such men. They see them as highly improbable mirroring, idealization, and twinship partners.

So, this section is pretty weak.

But it comes close to something that could work much better.

The fact is... I doubt that Celery just likes collecting batches of circuit boards and wires.

He likes what these gadgets do.

I know. I'm a gadget guy myself. And I love what my gadgets do for me.

My smartphone? A great way to call, email, and SMS my buddies at the last minute for some spontaneous fun. And to organize my busy life.

My home entertainment system? An essential tool - if I'm going to throw a party for my friends.

My MP3 player? A great way to relax, let go, and let my mind flow...

The gadgets? They're tools. But they're tools that allow me to do things that are interesting and idealizable. And they relate to activities that most women can relate to.

So, why talk about the tools at all? Just talk about what you like to do with those tools. Whether it's disappearing into a musical wonderland, throwing parties that your friends all look forward to, or organizing a busy social life. Or whatever else these gadgets allow you to do.

Moving on...

2. What are the THREE things for which you are MOST thankful?

1. Good health

2. Close friends and family

3. Live music

1 and 2 are a little too generic and safe for most purposes, but might be okay if the rest of the profile is strong. Unfortunately, when your profile lacks that idealizable "Alpha male" factor, "Close friends and family" might mark you further as the unidealizable, wishy-washy guy. You might want to change that one.

3. Other than your parents, who has been the most influential person in your life and why?

My best friend has gone through a lot in the past few years, enough to turn a die-hard optimist into a cynic. But he keeps his eyes set on his goals and maintains a positive outlook despite his hardships. That's inspiring to me.

Again, there are some good elements here. But there are also a lot of problems.

First of all, it almost discusses the adversity his friend has gone through more than the fact that he's an optimistic goal-getter.

Next? He's looking like his friend's sidekick. And, in a profile already lacking that "Alpha male" factor, it's continuing to compound the problems that this profile has.

But it's a killer topic. Let's change the focus. My first draft rewrite would be, "That would have to be my best friend, _____. In spite of the difficulties that he's had in the last few years, he's still maintaned his optimism, idealism, and positive outlook on life. It's good to have friends who can maintain such positive energy!"

This is much more positive. And it looks like you're choosing to have this person in your life - not like you're a tag-along to someone else.

Moving along to the eHarmony checkboxes...

4. The four things your friends say about you are:

* Perceptive

* Caring

* Intelligent

* Genuine

5. What are three of your BEST life-skills?

* Using humor to make friends laugh
* Continuing to expand my knowledge and awareness
* Communicating my innermost thoughts and feelings

Again, when you're having difficulty maintaining idealizability, "Caring" and "Communicating my innermost thoughts and feelings" might magnify these problems. You might consider changing them.

6. What is the most important quality that you are looking for in another person?

The cornerstone of any relationship is great communication. Whether it's having a serious conversation about our future, leaving a special message on a sticky note in each other's lunch bags, or cracking jokes over drinks with friends, I want someone who is open to communicating at all levels. I'd also like to meet someone who can make me laugh (a rare thing for a girl – good luck!)

Again, I think that, if we can keep the mirroring potential, but make sure that you're still the "Alpha male", we can make this a lot stronger.

Here's a first draft of how I'd rewrite it:

"I'm looking for a woman with an ease around her. A woman who can join me in cracking jokes over drinks with friends. Or flirt with notes that we'd leave in each other's lunch bags. Oh, and if you can make me laugh? That'd be icing on the cake."

Again, maintaining the mirroring, and the level of challenge. But keeping an "Alpha" status.

7. Other than your appearance, what is the first thing that people notice about you?

I am a good listener and enjoy hearing people talk about their lives rather than focusing on my own. Also, my smile gets me some compliments :)

If the first sentence doesn't scream unattractive beta-male, I don't know what does.

Do yourself a favor. Head over to this page.

Read what women really think when they hear a guy say this.

And when you understand why this is such an attraction-killer, rewrite it.

Let's move on. Before I really start to rant.

(But don't feel too bad. I made the same mistake a long time ago. And had the same results you did.)

8. What is the ONE thing that people DON'T notice about you right away that you WISH they WOULD?

People don't always get my dry sense of humor right away. Usually when I come out with a line, it takes people a second to realize that I'm joking.

Again, some good stuff here. Unfortunately, it's buried in so many weasel words and phrases that it's lost a lot of it's power.

Don't weasel up. Here's how I'd rewrite it:

"I have a dry sense of humor. Sometimes, people don't realize when I'm teasing them."

There. No weaseling out.

Much better, yes?

And if it doesn't really reflect you... go ahead and change it. But don't be a weasel.

9. How do you typically spend your leisure time?

I love DC – it's one of the greatest cities in the world. There's nothing like a day with friends cheering at a Nat's game or seeing a show at the 9:30 Club. If I'm in a quieter mood, I'll take in a wine tour or spend some time at a museum. Since many of my friends have moved in recent years, I have an excuse to travel around the country! A big part of my autumn involves season tickets to my college's football games. I'm also a big movie buff, and try to catch anything that look interesting (particularly if I get a chance to check out the local "artsy" theatre).

Actually, this is the best part of your profile. You're being yourself. You're telling people what you like. You're not trying to impress, and you're not trying to shoe-horn yourself into someone else's life.

I'd leave this alone for now. Maybe, in the future, you might experiment with cutting this down a little bit - sometimes, when people provide such a variety of activities that they enjoy, it makes people suspicious. But I think that focusing on other areas, for now, will be more productive in improving your results.

10. What are five things that you "can't live without?"

a. Gym membership – got to stay active!

b. My cat, Coco, who plays fetch like a dog.

c. GPS – gives my life direction

d. Optimism – always look on the bright side of life

e. Sunglasses – due to my optimism, I need the shades…

Again, this looks better. I'm starting to see a person here. Not a spineless suck-up.

11. Describe the last book that you read and enjoyed. What was it about? What did you like most about it?

I really enjoyed "Into the Wild" by John Krakauer because it helped me understand how your approach to life influences those around you.

A little more detail might help. I haven't read the book yet (it is on my reading list), but, I think there are a lot of more specific parallels you can point out. How his optimism influenced others. The amazing things that can happen when you take a few risks.

Again, just a little more specificity will make this more intriguing.

12. Describe one thing about yourself that only your best friends know.

I am slightly embarrassed to admit that my iPod is stocked with 80s music. Guilty pleasure...

Don't weasel. Don't feel guilty. Say it. Own it. Be it.

You'd be surprised to discover how many women will relate to this.

13. Is there any additional information you would like your matches to know about you?

I absolutely love to cook but loathe going to the grocery store. If you love shopping but hate cooking, we really need to get together!

Cool. I'll bring you some groceries. You're going to spend hours cooking me a fantastic gourmet meal. Right?

Oh, wait, you're not willing to do that for me?

You're just being a nice guy?

I think you need to reread the "nice guys" thing. Again.

Okay, I'll stop beating you up now.

But you still need to come up with a better call to action.

Anyway, I hope I've been helpful. Please - keep in touch, and let us know how you're doing.

And good luck!