From the Labs: "Hold" may not be so bad...

As I've mentioned, there has been a significant shift in how people use eHarmony.

In part, I think that this is due to eHarmony's subtle changes in their marketing strategy. They're making matches a little more casual, and placing less emphasis on marriage. And, as I've mentioned before, hostile questioning (and it's effectiveness) have diminished.

And, recently, I've discovered what may be another effect of this more relaxed atmosphere.

In the past, when I placed a match on hold, they would almost always respond by closing the match.

But, since going exclusive with one of my matches, I stopped asking for new matches, and placed everyone on my list "On hold", saying that I was pursuing another match, but might be interested in talking more in the future.

A couple weeks passed, and I wanted to show a friend the pictures of this woman...

And, amazingly enough, not a single one of the women that I placed on hold went on to close the match.

Don't know how useful this information is... but it is new.

Let me know about your experience.

She's not advancing? It may not be about you...

On eHarmony, no one bats 1.000. It's not a realistic goal.

Think about it for a minute.

First of all, there are the "dead profiles". Women who were curious enough to complete the relationship questionnaire, and take a look at a few matches, but weren't curious enough to spend money on the service.

I can understand that. And a woman who isn't motivated enough to pay for membership is a woman I'm happy enough not to meet.

But let's go further than that.

Some go a little further, but are still not really interested in meeting someone online. Gift certificates from meddling parents and friends are common. Free Communication weekends will bring in some Looky-Lous. And, yes, many of these people are using the service in order to tell someone they "tried it" - not because they're really interested.

So... be thankful that these people don't waste your time.

After we've gone through those people... There will be folks who won't like your profile. You may not be their type, physically. Or they don't like the things that you're passionate about.

You'll do it too. Sometimes, people realize very quickly that they just aren't interested. Do you really want to chase someone who's so sure that they can't get into you? I don't think so.

And, when you go through communications, you may also hit a deal-killer. Or just run into someone who's so sensitive that they can't go through the process without melting down. Or just get so overwhelmed with something outside of their dating life that they're unable to continue.

And, again, when they stop their eHarmony communications... they're doing you a favor.

Finally, women do have a lot of options. Another guy might have met her sooner. Or she may have met someone offline. So... she may cut off communication because she found someone else.

And that's fine. You'll do it to a few women too.

In short - you just can't get too upset when a woman stops communicating.

There's usually a reason. And it's a reason to stop sinking further efforts into something that's, at best, futile. And at worst? You're drawing closer to someone with serious flaws.

Say good-bye gracefully. And put your efforts into meeting women that are interesting and interested.

Spotting a liar - Lessons from Bill Clinton

Again, this is not a blog for political discussion... but, sometimes, events that happen in politics can provide a good base for writing.

And, this one is quite dated. But still very illustrative.

Remember Bill Clinton's dramatic and emphatic statement to the press, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman?"

Well, no matter where you sit on the political spectrum, he was clearly lying.

And, in that short statement, he illustrated many of the things that liars do when they make statements. And these are lessons you can take home when you read a woman's profile.

Again, you can carry this advice too far. Some people might make these mistakes and be telling the truth. Some are just trying a little too hard to impress.

But, keep these in the back of your mind as "red flags". Something to look out for later.

Sentence length
First of all, take a look at that sentence.

It's much longer than it needs to be.

In fact, if the question was asked by the press, he could have just said "No." One word.

"It didn't happen." Three words.

If he needed to get formal, he could stretch it out to, "I've never had sex with her." Six words.

He took nine words.

People use more words when they feel they need to be more emphatic or convincing.

For example, when they're lying.

Overformal language

When people are trying to be "too convincing", they also tend to use formal language.

Much more formal than what people say in everyday life.

Bill Clinton? He used, "I did not". In most circumstances, I'd say, "I didn't".

And when was the last time you talked to friend about the girl you "had sexual relations with?"

(I'll let you come up with the phrase that you'd actually use.)

Again, overformal language means that a person is trying hard to convince you.

And when they're working that hard... they're usually insecure about what they're saying.

Overemphasis

Of course, most of you probably remember Clinton's measured, forceful statement, complete with stiff fist-pounding when he said his famous statement.

Obviously, people can't talk forcefully, point, stare, or stiffen when they write something in their profile.

But they put in words that seem unnecessary.

Words like, "really", "truly", and "honestly". And other words that are meant to reassure you of their honesty.

When you say a true statement, how often do you emphasize how true it is?

Not much, I'd bet.

If they feel that need to convince you... odds are pretty good that they're stretching the truth.

Do women WANT to meet men on eHarmony?

It's the classic swan-call of the frustrated eHarmony user.

You've put up a profile. You've asked for communications.

Maybe a few start communication, but they never seem to agree to the phone or meeting.

At this point, men start asking themselves, "Do women really spend $60 a month, put time and effort into answering a long personality profile, put up photos, and go through a long process of guided communication just to be online chat buddies?"

I imagine some women do. Some may just want the ego satisfaction of having guys chasing them.

In my experience? They're a small minority.

And, when you ask yourself that question... you're not seeing things from their perspective.

What is their perspective?

Most of the time, it's, "Why is this guy so all-fired hot for me, when we don't really know anything about each other yet? Is he really like what he says he is on the profile, or is he just saying anything in the hopes of meeting someone? And if he's chasing me, am I sure it's safe to give my phone number? And if I meet him, and he's as clingy as he seems... am I just headed into an awkward situation?"

The eHarmony Cracked system is designed to reduce these barriers.

Why are you on eHarmony? You want to meet different people. You don't know her yet. In fact, you're a little suspicious.

In your communications, you're not trying to impress her. You're just seeing if there might be a "vibe". And, if not, no big deal... you've got options.

And you're a busy guy, so the phone is a natural extension. Unless she's not interested... in which case, no big deal.

In short, you're not trying to impress. You're just being friendly, and looking to meet some new people. If the chemistry's there... great. If not, the process of meeting people is fun. Even with the women who fall apart during guided communication.

It's an attitude that's comforting. And different than the one that most men on eHarmony carry.

And when you display that attitude... women will feel comfortable about meeting you.

Pulling back - A useful tool.

Many times, on this blog, I've mentioned how "trying too hard" when a woman is pushing away usually leads to bad results.

Some of you may be asking, "What happens when you do the opposite? What happens if you push away, instead of trying to pull her toward you?"

It can work well.

For example, in one of my last trips to a major city (with a decent Jewish population), I had mentioned to an eHarmony match that I was coming, and talked about meeting. She replied that she'll "see".

"Pushing" would be continuing to write her, turn on the charm, tell her about how much fun you're going to have, various logical persuasions... allineffective strategies.

I did something different. I told her that it seems "kinda silly" to set aside time to meet her, if she wasn't sure. I mentioned the time that I had available, and told her to email me when (and if) she can make it. And once she does that, I'll let her know if I'm still open.

She committed to a time within an hour. I guess she didn't like the idea of my time (potentially) going to someone else.

There are risks to this strategy, however.

First of all, if she's not interested in you at all, this won't work. But neither does anything else. But, at least you're not wasting any more of your time or energy.

Next, if you use this "spice" too much, it's easy to send her into a "sour grapes" zone.

Finally, if she's that problematic, you're running the risk of securing a date with a screwed-up woman. (And I'll have to admit, she didn't impress me at all during the date.)

But it's a useful tool, nonetheless.

Holiday shopping dilemma?

Getting a little too good at this?

And now, you have tons of women, always wanting more?

Here's a great present, so you can give yourself and them a little more peace for the holidays.

Always happy to be of help....

P.S. Kidding aside, I've known people who've mentioned this gift in their pre-date banter. And it's worked well, according to them.

P.S.S. Yeah, I'm slacking off today. Better article on Monday. Promise.

P.S.S.S. Yes, ladies. This is available too.

About the "spices"...

It seems, lately, I've been including comments about "spices", but haven't really explained the concept.

In some ways, I like the cooking metaphor a lot.

If you want to cook a dish, you need a good, solid base.

In the dating arena, the base is your personality. At it's best. Displaying confidence, intrigue, and a sense of fun and playfulness.

And without a solid base... you won't do well.

Now, "spices" are things that, done correctly, can enhance the main dish. They can bring out flavors. They can make the dish a little more interesting and fun.

But, spices have their limits.

First of all, you can't make a dish out of spices alone. If the base isn't there, the spice may create a brief distraction, but no sense of nourishment.

Next, the spices need to compliment the main dish. Garlic is a great spice - but it doesn't go well with ice cream. And if you use a "trick" that's incongruous with your personality... your date may walk away confused. Possibly with a bad case indigestion.

Finally, you can't go crazy with spices. You use a little bit. Once in awhile. Just to give things a little nudge in the right direction. When you use too much, it becomes overpowering. In the dating field, you look like a "trick monkey" - a guy who's trying to hide his personality behind a bunch of "cute" tricks.

But, done right, spices can be a good thing. But don't overuse them. And don't neglect the base.

... And may your meal be perfectly spiced this Thanksgiving.

eHarmony? Don't hate the PUAs...

Yesterday, I wrote about how many pick-up artists make snap judgements against eHarmony.

But, I'm not done yet. I need to even the balance.

Turns out, eHarmony, itself, is making snap judgements about the pick-up community.

I'm all for educated, well-reasoned criticism and debate. However, when eHarmony wrote this article, I truly believe that they didn't do a very good job in familiarizing themselves with the pick-up artist community. (And, sometimes, I wonder if the authors of this article felt that they needed to learn anything about the community that was not on VH1's "The Pickup Artist".)

And, in fact, in their criticism, they portray the community as something very different from what it is.

Let's cut to their criticisms, shall we?

eHarmony Myth: "The pick-up artists . . . encourage guys to adopt a real-world character [referred to in the article as an "Avatar"] that's smooth, honed and based on a lot of made-up stories told to impress the ladies."


Fact: eHarmony's interpretation of the "Avatar" concept is a gross misrepresentation.

It's based on a sound principle that I've stated many times in my blog.

When you meet someone for the first time, they usually decide very quickly whether or not they're attracted to you. It's simply not enough time to give your full life's story.

So, what can you do?

You can give them a taste of what's intriguing. And you do this with your appearance and your stories.

Yes, pick-up artists do exchange grooming ideas. And they exchange fun stories, conversation topics and games that can be shared with someone. (In fact, eHarmony does the same things in their advice columns. But their "spices" are usually pretty lame, in my humble opinion...)

But they also pay attention to the concepts of "calibration" and "congruence". They actively recognize that these "tricks" need to fit within your personality, or they don't work. Period.

And, yes, "The Pickup Artist" gave one good example of this.

During the wardrobe building exercise, a 40+ year old man tried to dress as a 20 year old hip-hop guy.

And, yes, they quickly told him that that would not work. And suggested a more sophisticated, mature, and, yes, attractive and congruent appearance. Which validated his true age and life experience.

Let's move on.

eHarmony Myth: "At what point will it get tiresome to impress someone with lies, when you're just dying to talk about Monty Python or J.R.R. Tolkien? Playing a role when meeting women is a real roadblock to true relationship success."

Fact: Again, I think there's some confusion here. The first one deals with the "Fake Avatar" myth that we've already dealt with. But, do pickup artists display more than their avatars?

Of course, they do.

Once the attraction is firmly established, pick-up artists enter a new phase that was not discussed in the VH1 series. It's called "Comfort Building".

This is the phase where you start to reveal more about yourself. And ask for her to do so as well.

And, yes, you have to be real.

It's an important phase. Pick-up artists recognize it. But you don't do it until she's showing interest, and ready to reciprocate.

Common sense, really.

eHarmony Myth: "In their books, lectures and TV appearances, the pick-up artists almost exclusively equate 'dating field' with 'night club.' But look around at the happy couples in your own life-many of them probably met while in a college organization together, or through friends at a birthday party, or online at eHarmony!

Fact: Hmm... they must have missed the volumes that have been written on "day game".

Yes, the Pickup Artist community started in the bars. And continues to train in them.

It's a target of convenience. To get good at a skill, you need a lot of practice.

In a bar, you can approach 100 women a week, and it won't get weird. You just can't approach that many women at birthday parties or other social events.

No pickup artist says, "You must go to bars and bars ONLY."

They just see it as a good place to meet a lot of women, and develop one's skill.

eHarmony Myth: "Most pick-up artists lay out a quasi-anthropological theory about attraction, that our dating impulses stem from 40,000 year old factors, and that the 'desirable' woman is attractive, whereas the 'undesirable woman' is not lovable simple because she's not as attractive."

Fact: Okay, some pick-up artists are shallow. But, certainly, not all of them.

In fact, as most guys become socially adept, they recognize that this is a trap. That, as a desperate average chump, we place beautiful women on a pedestal, and assume they're smart, fun, and great to be with.

But, as they become skilled, and start to interact with women of beauty... they usually learn that this is not always true. And the old-fashioned pickup chestnut of, "Beauty is common... tell me, what makes you special?" becomes the pick-up artist's reality.

The "arts?" They're just a set of skills. They were never meant to help a guy decide who's right for them... they just make more women available.

So... why does eHarmony write articles that (wrongly) criticize the pick-up artist community? I don't know. In the end, they're just guys who are trying to open their options, and improve their social skills.

Why is that a threat?

P.S. As a courtesy, I did leave a comment on eHarmony's article, indicating the presence of my response. And, of course, they were (and still are) welcome to respond in my comment section.

Well, their article is still up. But my comment is not.

I guess only one of us is willing to engage in intelligent debate...

PUA's? Don't hate eHarmony...

As I've previously implied, eHarmony is mostly ignored by pick-up artists. That's not a bad thing.

I'm not an eHarmony evangelist. For me, it's been a decent way to meet new people. But, if you've got more efficient ways to get what you want, I don't see why eHarmony is necessary.

But some PUAs won't leave well enough alone. Here's the latest missive I've read. Actually, its from a guy I respect - he's taught me a lot about developing attraction online. But, in one of his most recent newsletters, he goes full-bore against eHarmony. Let's take a look.

This one may surprise you.

If you haven't seen this Time Magazine article yet,
you need to check it out:
http://www.time.com/time/specials/2007/article/0,28804,1638344_1638341,00.html
Here's why:

It talks about the 5 worst sites online and GUESS
WHAT?

One of them happens to be an online personals
website - which doesn't surprise me. In fact, they
call this site the "WORST DATING WEBSITE"!

Quite an honor, don't you think?

Here's a hint: It's very popular among "the masses",
they're on TV all the time and they ask you like 436
questions BEFORE you sign up.

Figure it out yet?

eHarmony.

Oh, yes, the "Time Magazine" argument. He'll repeat Time's arguments soon enough. But, one thing he seems to forget... He uses MySpace a lot. Which was also prominent on Time's "Worst Websites" list. And treated just as unkindly for it's spamminess.

But, spamminess isn't a waste of time to this PUA...

Let's say you have the patience to sit at your
computer for 4+ hours answering all 426 questions...
after working all day.

(unlikely, I know)

[...]

Every day I get another horror story about how
someone goes on that site, spends HOURS upon
hours of their time only to get lousy results.

[...]

Meeting women online is supposed to save you
time, not waste it.

Sorry. Every system has it's inefficiencies.

At standard personals sites? Yes, I can meet women quicker. But I'm only going on pictures (which are deceptive half the time), and what they say their personality is like. (Which, again, often doesn't reflect reality.) So... I'm spending a lot of my time and energy on crappy dates.

On eHarmony, I spend a little more time on the questionnaire. But, in general, I meet people that I relate to. And, even if the chemistry isn't there (which it often isn't, no matter what online service you use), they usually end up being decent friends. So, in the end, I find eHarmony to be a more efficient use of my time.

What happens when eHarmony delivers it's
"recommendations" to you which are from women
you either AREN'T interested in or attracted to?

That's actually the nicest way I've seen a PUA express that sentiment. I'll answer that question.

I close them. It only takes a couple of seconds. And I'll never see them again.

But on standard sites? The undesirables will always be on my list. And I'll still have to page through them to view the profiles of the women who do attract my interest.

Who's wasting more time now?

Let's move on...

Or better yet, what happens if it REJECTS you as
"unmatchable"?

(talk about a real bummer)

Honestly, I don't hear that from too many people. Most of eHarmony's rejections are from people who give inconsistent answers on their profile, admit to multiple personal problems, aren't yet divorced, or are seeking homosexual relationships.

So, yes, if you're unstable, you're running the risk of being rejected.

The good news? If you're a stable man, looking for a heterosexual relationship... you're not wasting your time on people who can't meet eHarmony's (rather minimal) standards.

Again, I'm giving the advantage to eHarmony.

And let's say you pony up the $60 a month to be a
member...

(Which btw is more than double the price of 99%
of other online personals sites monthly fees.)

Too bad you couldn't wait to join. Because if you did, they'd give you a 3 months for the price of one code. Making it one of the cheapest personals sites.

Hey, it's a slimy tactic. But they're a business, after all.

Finally, he comes down to the core of his beef against eHarmony...

Now, I'm going to freely admit that I spent
HUNDREDS of dollars of my own money on the
very same site the article is talking about.

And yes for the record, my results flat out sucked.

There we go.

I actually respect the writer. I've learned a lot about how to manage standard personals sites from him. And some of his "spices" (in the proper times and measures) can work well on eHarmony. But, adaptations need to be made. And, once you make them, I, and many of my readers have found the eHarmony system usable. It just requires a different set of skills.

And, judging from my readers... those skills seem to be teachable.

Wink, wink, (photo) nudge...

Before I give my advice on using eHarmony's (sort of) new Photo Nudge system, let me explain my rationale:

As I've mentioned before, I need to cast a pretty wide geographic net for my matches. So, I've got a good number of reasons why I won't meet a woman without seeing her picture. Among these?

• They're a sign that she's taking the process seriously. If a woman isn't going to take a picture, scan it, and post it... I can't see her getting involved with a guy when there's travel involved.
• It's a test of honesty. And a woman who claims that she's unable to post photos isn't being honest. These days, it's hard to buy a cell phone that DOESN'T have a camera. And if she doesn't have one, it's impossible to believe that she has no friends that do. (And if that IS the case... there's probably a reason she has no friends.) And photo scanners are available in in most drugstores, public libraries, and copy shops.
• It reassures me that the person on the other end isn't a scammer.
• And, yes, I really think it's better for everyone involved if I take one look at the photo, say, "No way!", and close her. It leaves us both more free time to pursue our lives (and other matches).

So, no. I don't meet women who refuse to provide photos.

So, how do I manage the "photo nudge"? Here's how:

• She's hiding her photo? So am I. Fair's fair.
• Multiple-choice questions and sending my (pre-existing) Must Have's/Can't Stands lists take almost no effort. I'll do that.
• In open-ended questioning, I'll reveal my photo, even if she hasn't.
• When she sends her open-ended questions, I'll reply with a photo nudge.
• I don't answer her questions until she has photos. And I close in a week if she's unresponsive.

Obviously, this only works in guided communication. Past posts indicate how I manage "no photos" in fast-track or open communication.

It's simple, it's fair, and it doesn't make you look like a jerk OR a pushover. So... I like it.

A "spice" for your pre-date banter

As I've said before, I'm not usually in favor of "scripted" behavior.

But there's a little thing that I've been inserting for fun into the pre-date banter. And it's working well.

You might want to try it.

If nothing else, it might entertain you.

---------------------------------

Find the three differences!

READ BEFORE CLICKING ON THE LINK: There are two identical pictures
that will appear on the screen. Almost 8000 people were tested to see
if they could find the 3 differences and only 19 got it. See how
observant you are and if you find all 3 differences, you are one of
the most elite people in the world! The instructions are in German
but they say "find the 3 differences". I only found 1 difference.

(Hint: I found it because I heard some VERY soft audio cues. Turn the
volume up and you'll hear them.)

http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf

When you SHOULDN'T be in the game

Life can be overwhelming sometimes.

People can have all kinds of problems. Job problems. Financial problems. Family problems. Deaths in the family.

And, yet... that eHarmony membership still looms overhead. Paid subscription time is ticking away. You fear that great women might pass you by.

Do yourself a favor. Don't even think about that stuff.

As more time goes by, I'm discovering that one of the keys to doing well in this "game" is to have fun. Because, when I'm not having fun, I don't do well.

And if life stresses bring me to a point where I'm unable to do that... I'm doing everyone a favor when I turn off the matching for awhile, and focus on fixing whatever it is that's stressing me out.

So I lose a little "paid subscription time". Big deal. It's not like I'm going to do well when I'm in a funk.

And a few women might find other guys. Big deal. There are plenty more women on eHarmony to meet.

So, if you're in a bad space, take a break. And return when you're ready to have fun again.

Why "dirty talk" will reduce your chances of meeting.

There's one aspect of "Pre-date banter" that I've neglected to mention. And it's a common error.

The fact is, women online get TONS of guys hitting on them. Willing to say, or do, anything that might help them get into their pants.

Unfortunately, when men do this... they look desperate. They look like they're just looking for anyone who might be willing to fill that urge. And, frankly, it's not an attractive attitude.

That's why it's always been a core eHarmony Cracked principle - you need to show that you're not on the prowl. You're not making sexual advances to people you haven't even met. Because a woman has to demonstrate that she's worthy of that attention.

And, when you make that clear, women are much more comfortable meeting with you. They don't fear that they'll have to beat you away. And the fact that they have to work for your attention is a core principle for developing your attraction.

So, obviously, displaying overt sexual interest is not helpful in predate banter.

But, what if she starts to get saucy?

Best case scenario? She's interested. But if you get a woman too hot, too quickly, it's a scary thing for a woman. She doesn't want to face an awkward situation if she doesn't like you in real life. And hot email banter usually leads to flakiness when it comes to meeting. It's too much pressure, especially considering the fact that you haven't even met yet.

Worst case scenario? There are a lot of women who try to build their self-esteem by having men "want" them online. But, again, meeting these men in real life is extremely scary. So... they flake.

So, even if a woman initiates the sexual innuendo, it's still best not to advance it.

In fact, the best thing to do? Shut her down in a cocky and funny way.

Something like, "Hey, speedy. I don't blame you for wanting me... but I'm still not sure I like you that way, yet. Why don't we meet first, and go from there?"

After all, women are attracted to the men they have to work for.

Not the ones who try to get sex from women that they don't even know.

When you're ready to shut down for awhile...

Okay, you've done well. You've met a great woman, and you're ready to make it an exclusive relationship.

How do you manage the people on your list?

I put them on hold, with the reason, "I'm persuing another relationship for now, but I may want to communicate more later."

Why?

Because the woman, at that point, has two options:

• She can leave you on hold. And you can reopen her if things don't work out.
• She can close you for putting her on hold. And you can send her a final message asking her to consider reopening you when (and if) things don't work out.

So, no matter what, you have a way to reach her in order to establish further communication (if she wants to, and she's able.)

I have to admit - your odds aren't good here. By the time you try reopening her, she'll probably have left eHarmony in disgust, or with another guy.

But your odds aren't zero. And I have reestablished communication with people in the past when I've done this.

About the coupon codes...

It looks like eHarmony has taken out a dragnet on "unauthorized" discount codes. Many of my internet sources have stopped publishing eHarmony's discounts "at the request of eHarmony". Or, worse, shutting down completely because of "terms of service" violations.

If you come across some discount codes, send me a copy. I'd like to share 'em.

Until then, I'll post 'em as soon as I learn about 'em. For as long as I feasibly can.

Rumor has it that, sometimes, when you call eHarmony to cancel your service, and say that you're canceling because it's too expensive, they may re-up you at the 3 months for the price of 1 rate. If you have a good retention agent on the other end of the line, that is.

The bad news? If you have a bad, tired, angry, or bummed-out retention agent, they may get lazy and cancel your service without making you an offer.

So... it's a risky play. But I've heard it can work. I haven't tried it myself.

Ambivalence = Openness to new ideas

In using the techniques that we described last week, you've made some progress. She's no longer in a position where she needs to rigidly defend her side of the conflict.

If she's at a point where she can talk about the disadvantages of her plan, she may be at a point where she's willing to talk about alternatives. In fact, if you're lucky, she may start coming up with new ideas on her own.

If she is? Join the brainstorming process with her. Introduce some ideas. But only introduce them as "thoughts".

If she's not bringing up new ideas yet? Maybe she needs a little help in getting the process started. Summarize for her. Something like, "On one hand, you like this idea because [....], but on the other hand [....]. I don't know. Maybe we can come up with something better. Do you have any other ideas?"

And, finally, when you've got a good pile of ideas, start talking about the more promising ones.

And, now that you've turned the conflict into a fair discussion of ideas... see if you can agree on something that makes both of you happy.

Influence Power Tool #2: Fishing for ambivalence

Continuing our series on resolving conflicts - we've discussed some ways in which you can get someone to openly discuss how their plans might be flawed. Which is a good thing. It makes them much more receptive to other ideas, such as yours.

But, sometimes, even with the techniques that I've discussed, people can sometimes be rigid.

They usually aren't, and you usually don't need to pick up these tools. They're meant to be last-ditch efforts for people who aren't expressing any ambivalence, despite the use of reflective techniques.

Here are some last-ditch tools that may help in getting someone to admit that their plan might have some flaws:

• Ask them, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how sure are you that..." It's rare that they'll pick 10. Ask them why not. Then start reflecting that ambivalence.
• Take an extreme version of their position. If you use this technique, it's very important for you to deliver the line in a deadpan, matter-of-fact manner, without any hint of sarcasm. For example, in my case where the woman was resisting going to a picnic lunch, I might have sad, "And the only reason a guy might have a picnic is to put them in a dangerous place." (I didn't, but this is an example.) They'll usually start arguing against the extreme. Again, reflect on the ambivalence that she's now expressing.
• Gently ask for ambivalence. "Do you see any problems with...?", "Does anything worry you about....?", "Any hassles you see in....?", "Any disadvantages in....", "What would be the bad things about....?". Go cautiously here - but, sometimes, it can work.

Hopefully, with the tools that I've provided in the last few articles, she's in a position where she's working with you to see disadvantages of whatever she was prepared to argue for.

What do you do now that she's unsure?

We'll talk about that on Monday.

Influence Power Tool #1: Reflecting their ambivalence

In our last two articles, we've uncovered two principles that motivational interviewers have discovered in helping someone agree to your side in a relationship conflict.

The principles I've put forth so far?

• Don't try to logically argue. It makes them take up their side even harder.
• Spend your energies on getting her to explain her side. Make sure you understand it, and that she knows you understand it.

And, I'm sure that a lot of you, at this point are going, "So, how does that get her to change her mind?"

The key is, she isn't feeling like she's defending her position. She's just explaining it, and helping you to understand.

And, when she isn't so defensive, she won't state her case as strongly. She won't act as certain.

And, most of the time, she'll start to express some uncertainty.

Once she starts to express her own uncertainty, you're in a place where you can better negotiate your differences.

So, once you have her in a place where she's expressing uncertainty, what can you do to help her consider other possibilities?

Here are a few tips:

• Continue doing what you're doing. Try to understand (and help her understand) her own uncertainty.
• If she's starting to bring up problems with her plan, gently ask for more. ("Any other problems you see with this?")
• If she's bringing up alternatives, express interest. And continue to help her understand what she's thinking in terms of these alternatives.
  
• A stock phrase that's useful? "So, on one hand, (reasons for her position)... but on the other hand (reasons she's not so sure about her position)"

But, what if you keep talking, and she still expresses absolutely no uncertainty?

And how do you start to introduce your ideas into the discussion?

We'll talk about those soon.

Don't argue - Seek understanding.

Clearly, explaining your position in a disagreement is a bad thing. Because it draws a line in the sand. And it can make a woman argue her side even harder and more forcefully.

So, what's the alternative?

Don't talk about "your side". Make her explain hers.

In studies of motivational interviewing, people who are successful in changing other people's actions and decisions don't spend much time explaining why they want a person to act differently.

Instead, they spend over 90% of their time doing something else.

They reflect upon what the other person is saying.

They repeat key phrases. They try to expand upon what the other person is trying to say. They don't criticize, nor do they completely agree. They just try to make sure they have a good picture of what the other person is saying, and they check to see if they're explaining the other person's thoughts, feelings, and beliefs accurately.

It's a great start to a discussion. You're not drawing battle lines. You're working together to understand the source of the conflict.

And, in the end, she will usually want to help you do that.

So, how can this lead to her changing her position?

We'll get to that next.

Here's a REALLY bad idea...

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The argument trap

In my last "mental game" article, I mentioned the importance of not needing a good outcome from anybody.

Because, in the end, there are no magic tricks. In the end, you choose who you decide to pursue. And women will choose who they pursue. And nothing will prevent a woman from, ultimately, deciding that you're not right for her.

But, there are some things that will help facilitate her choices.

As I've mentioned, I'm a bit of a psychology geek. And one "up-and-coming" area of research is that of "motivational interviewing" - a method of helping people to make decisions that they need to make to improve their lives. Certainly, it's a great area of research. There are a lot of people who need someone to facilitate making positive changes in their lives - including addictions, and improving their health.

And, yes, there are parallels in the dating realm.

But, before I talk about what does work, let's talk about the things these researchers say about what doesn't.

Because it's very easy to do these things. The most common error? It's something that I call, "The Argument trap".

It's where someone states their objection. You counter by taking the other side of that objection.

As a result, she has to argue her side further. And, as a result, you need to entrench yourself further in your side.

And in the end - you're both entrenched in your sides. A compromise becomes nigh-impossible, as is any progression in a relationship.

Sometimes, when there are real issues, this is the best outcome. But, a lot of times, the disagreement could have been much better handled.

Let's take a recent situation out of my dating life - and how it might have been argued out if the wrong steps were taken. We had planned a first meet-up in a popular forest preserve for fall foliage, and, in the beginning, she seemed really excited about it. Really excited. As in, "Oh boy. I'm a real sucker for things like this."

But, a few days before the event, she sends an email - saying that she feels uncomfortable meeting someone from the internet at in the forest - and suggests a restaurant at a small town nearby.

Here's what could have happened, but fortunately, didn't.

Me: I dunno. I've never been to that restaurant. And it's in a town where there's nothing to do after lunch. Besides, you've got no reason to feel unsafe - the park is going to be crowded. So it'll still be safe. I still think the forest would be better.

Her: Well, it sounds nice... but it's just not a good place for a first date. I just don't feel comfortable meeting you there yet.

Me: Well, why don't you feel comfortable? It's not like we're in the back country. It's a popular tourist destination. There will be a lot of people there. I don't see why it's any less safe than a restaurant, and it'll be a lot more fun than meeting in a dull place in a dull town.

Her: I can't have fun if I don't feel safe. And I don't feel safe meeting someone in a forest. So, do you want to meet at the restaurant, or forget about the whole thing?

And, at this point, I'm now stuck between two bad choices. I can meet with her at a place of her choosing (a sure-fire attraction-killer), or forgetting the whole thing.

As I've said, arguments rarely work. And they usually force people into their trenches.

So, what are some alternatives?

We continue tomorrow...

From the Labs: "So, do you do this on all your dates?"

As I've mentioned before, when you're at a point where transitioning to the "make out session" on the first eHarmony date is common... Women will start shit-testing you.

The predictable question I get? "So, do you do this on all your eHarmony dates?"

My typical answer? Usually something along the lines of "Only when the chemistry's there." That usually worked fine.

This weekend, I tried something different. And it worked even better.

And, I'm surprised I didn't think of it before. It's an elegantly simple solution...

Ask her the question first.

Try it out. Let me know how it works for you.

From the labs: The slow months of eHarmony

Here's some wisdom that I've gleaned from our Google Group...

Turns out that many members have noticed seasonal changes in their eHarmony activity. Many members agree that certain months seem to be unusually slow.

Those months?

Well, one is coming up soon. People get busy during the holidays. And, when you have a brand-spanking-new boyfriend or girlfriend, negotiating holiday commitments can be a very tricky thing. Not to mention the whole "what should I give for a gift NOW?" thing. So... Mid-november through early January are reported to be "slow months" on eHarmony.

Good news? January is reported to be one of the busiest months.

According to consensus, however, traffic quickly drops off in April, through the summer. I guess people are busy having fun (and meeting people) outside in the sunshine.

Your mileage may vary, of course. I don't know if there's going to be a summer "lull" in Florida. And, for religious reasons, the winter holidays are less significant for the people that I meet.

But, it's still something to consider before you renew that subscription.

Why "failure" MUST be an option

One common error that I see in people learning seduction techniques, is the search for "gimmicks" to turn a bad situation around.

Message boards are filled with questions - What can I do to get this person's attention back? How do I recover from the date she flaked out on? We "vibed" well, so what do I need to do to get over her resistance in giving up her phone number?

Unfortunately, anyone who asks these questions has already made a critical strategic mistake.

The problem? When you can't accept "no" for an answer, you're scaring her.

And when you work hard to chase someone... you simply can't get her to invest in meeting you. Because you're making all the effort.

So, if you're in a bad situation... give her an opportunity to pick up the chase, and move on.

She's not giving her number? Respond a week later, saying you can't keep up with email, and give yours. Ball's in her court. She can chase... or not.

She's not answering the phone? Text her, "Phone tag, you're it." It's her move.

And if she doesn't make a move? She's not that interested.

You need to be using your energies to manage the women who are interested in you. Not the ones who aren't.

And if not enough women are interested... that's a sign that you need to work on building that initial intrigue.

And not on building interest in the ones who are already disinterested.

Quirky Girl Says:
It can be extremely difficult to give up on a person you feel you bonded with, especially if you've invested a fair amount of time in her. However, Scott is right. Cut your losses and move on. It's hard to give up on a person when you feel there's a spark there, but there has to be mutual interest and commitment for the relationship to ever be successful. And you're not only scaring her with your persistence; you're making yourself look bad. I'm not saying to give up at the drop of a hat; in fact, Scott's suggestions are spot-on. If she's interested, she'll respond. If she doesn't respond, that should speak volumes.

A couple can only be as happy as the least happy person in the relationship. (I admit that I got this from a sitcom, but I absolutely believe it.) A one-sided relationship never works out. In the end, you feel emotionally drained and resentful because you give and give and give, and she takes without returning your feelings. I've been there. I've made this mistake. It can only make you miserable because you pour more of yourself into the "relationship" and end up in the same place--alone--but now you've wasted more time and energy, detracting from your efforts to find someone who can return your feelings. Do yourself a favor--accept "no" and find someone more interested and more deserving of your affections.