An outrageous profile... that worked!

Again, combing the web to find new and interesting approaches to eHarmony... I found something that intrigued me.

On the StyleLife forum (A pick-up artist forum, supported by Neil Strauss' online coaching academy), one member asked for a critique of his eHarmony profile, saying that he hadn't been getting any responses from women in the month that he had been online. I won't bother to repeat his profile... but, in character, it was similar to this one.

One of the guys on the forum, Thorny, (although admitting to me that he had no experience with online "dating"), pointed out some of the major flaws... and gave a sample of the profile that he would have written. Here's what he suggested as an intriguing style to emulate:

1. What are you most passionate about?

eHarmony. Totally.


2. What are the THREE things for which you are MOST thankful?

I'm most thankful for Girls
I'm most thankful for Guns
I'm most thankful for Glory

3. Other than your parents, who has been the most influential person in your life and why?

Derek Zoolander, for giving us Blue Steel, Le Tigra, and Magnum.

4. The four things your friends say about you are:

Outa Sight!
Great-riffic!
A real knob-job!
A whale of a tale.

5. What are three of your BEST life-skills?

Finger snapping
Frottaging
Peacocking


6. What is the most important quality that you are looking for in another person?

Beauty is common, so in addition to her good looks, she much have a great personality, a good energy, and a good outlook.

7. Other than your appearance, what is the first thing that people notice about you?

My good looks

8. What is the ONE thing that people DON'T notice about you right away that you WISH they WOULD?

My super awesome underpants

9. How do you typically spend your leisure time?

Adventuring

10. What are five things that you "can't live without?"

sex
air
blankets
music
excitement

11. Describe the last book that you read and enjoyed. What was it about? What did you like most about it?

"The Game" - Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists. I liked that there are so many guys studying the things that make me awesome.

12. Describe one thing about yourself that only your best friends know.

Get out of here. I don't even know you and you're already asking to be my best friend? We're totally breaking up.

Gotta admit, it's all-out "no fear". It definitely demonstrates Thorny's genuine personality (or, at least, some aspects of it). And... it's different.

Turns out, the guy who wrote for advice didn't just use this profile as inspiration. He copied it "word for word". (Well, he couldn't have done that for the multiple-choice sections, but I'll take him at his word for the rest.)

... and, sure enough, the next day, he reported that he had three women communicating with him.

Like I've said, genuineness (or, at least, the appearance of it) and a "no fear" personality will carry you well in your profile... It's interesting to see what happens when it's taken to the extremes.

(Oh, and if you want to read the original exchange, you'll have to register at StyleLife here, and then read this thread. And, thanks, Thorny, for letting me repost your profile here!)

Why do you "need" a successful outcome?

Over the time that I've been working at this blog, and listening to other people's stories, I've noticed one thread that's really hurting people's self-worth, and, yes, their "success" on eHarmony.

It's the feeling that you must get a good outcome. The feeling that you need a woman to respond. Or to move to the next level of the relationship that you want.

Well, when you feel this way, women notice it. Very quickly. And it makes them uncomfortable.

Why?

Because men who let their self-worth be determined by whether a relative strangers like them are fatally flawed, in their eyes. Very few women want to be in a relationship where their boyfriend's self-esteem depends on their moment-to-moment opinion. Frankly, very few women want that drama in their lives. And the few that do tend to like it because they feel that such a "man" is easily controlled.

So... break the cycle.

Find what makes you feel good outside of a relationship. And rely on those things for your self worth.

Don't let it depend on your dating "success".

From the Labs: Progress report on the "Fast-Track" project.

Well, the fast-track experiments are continuing.

So far, it's impossible to draw conclusions about whether fast-track is superior to guided communication. I've only had about 20 matches since I started the experiments (my match rate is slow, due to my religious preferences), and I've only went to open communication with one less person than I'd have expected from guided communication. So, I've got nothing to draw conclusions about... yet.

But, yes, I can continue to say that some people are responding.

If you try this, I can give you a few notes on what to expect:

• So far, I haven't had a single match that said she'd prefer fast-track communication. That doesn't mean that they won't accept the fast-track. To me, it only suggests that they don't want fast-track requests from a million lovesick lamers.
• Yes, one of those contacts did result in a date. Unfortunately, she had just finished moving out of her ex-boyfriend's house... and the chemistry was conflicted. And I think she got hurt by my "let's be friends" offer. (And, yes, if it isn't obvious... she indicates a "guided communication" preference.)
  
• I get more closes due to "other".
• The usual response to the fast-track request is to ignore it. Only one woman declined the fast-track, and shuttled me to guided communication. (And then stopped responding.) If you don't show your picture, you can expect a picture request.
  

Women are shifting from "the agenda" - Here's more proof!

As I've observed before, eHarmony advertising has made a remarkable shift within the last year. They're not emphasizing a heavy-handed, "Come here to meet the love of your life - or forever be doomed to be alone and miserable" message anymore. They're emphasizing that a personality match ensures easy chemistry and points to the happy couples laughing and dancing across the television screen. (And, by the way, stopped mentioning whether the happy couples were married or not.)

Again, I think it's oversold. In my opinion, most personality matches will still lack what I'm looking for in chemistry and readiness for a relationship... but the new advertising message is attracting a different kind of member.

Well, here's more proof. As our astute readers know, we've got an informal network of personal eHarmony personal blogs going (look on your left for the links).

It turns out... the female members of the blog community have both written articles about what they're really looking for. And it turns out, they're not in a single-minded hunt for "the one".

Anyway, you can read their posts here and here.

Now, I'm not saying that the women in our blog network are typical (and I mean that in a good way, ladies...), but it proves the point. Not everyone is coming to eHarmony with the singleminded purpose of marriage.

Adapt, or get run over.

Don't try to ace the psychological test.

Once in awhile, I get letters from folks who are considering eHarmony, and come to me asking advice on how to get the "best" results from your initial relationship questionnaire.

My advice? Just relax, and answer the questions. Don't overanalyze.

After all, the point of eHarmony is to match you with people you'll be compatible with. Trying to "engineer" your results, in my humble opinion, runs counter to that goal. And, if you're not really interested in compatability matching... why aren't you using a more "standard" dating service that won't limit your candidate pool to "compatible" people?

Occasionally, people worry about eHarmony's rejection rate. Well, there are a few things that will cause eHarmony to tell you that you're not appropriate for the service. If you're currently married, you've been divorced three times, you're looking for a same-sex match, or you're extremely depressed or argumentative, the system will reject you. And there is a section of the test that measures how honest you are in answering questions - so, I'd imagine that some people might be rejected because the system feels that they're being dishonest. (And, no, I haven't asked eHarmony about this suspicion, but I doubt they'd be helpful if I did. So, it's just some speculation on my part.)

Okay, maybe my words of reassurance aren't good enough. Some people have high-driven personalities, and don't feel comfortable letting things be. Fine. Here are some other things I've heard:

• Some people have reported that they get more matches when they avoid answering questions with the highest or lowest answers. I can't verify this... but it makes sense.
• One member of our Google group went to the extreme of analyzing the test, in order to "engineer" his personality, and the personality of the person that he was looking for. If you're really interested in this approach... subscribe to the group. It's there. Personally, I'm not a huge fan... but there you go.
• If you're really unhappy with the results of your testing, people have reported that customer service (before you've paid for eHarmony, of course) will often allow people to repeat the test once.

Oh, and, again... wait a day before building your "About me" profile. Don't do it when you're tired.

Bribe theory, in the news.

No, folks... I'm not making national headlines. But the flawed theory that you can improve people's attitudes by giving them tangible rewards is.

It turns out that the mayor of New York, Michael Bloomberg, has gathered a group of donors, in order to run a social experiment. Essentially, they're going to give parents financial rewards in order to improve people's attitudes toward education. They'll reward them with cash incentives for attending parent-teacher conferences, having an acceptable attendance record, graduation, taking college entrance examinations, as well as many other things. And the financial incentives are going to be "enough to make a difference in these people's lives."

I'm not usually one to talk about politics on this blog. There might be a number of reasons why this might or not work. But, psychologists are weighing in. And they're warning us about the bribe effect that I've talked about in this blog. That, when you provide too much reward for something (such as going on expensive dates, giving gifts, easy compliments, and so forth), people see themselves as participating (or dating you) for the reward (the bribe) - and not because of their internal motivation (liking you).

And, over time, they become resentful. And like you less.

Anyway, one of the best pieces can be found here. And they back the theory with some great examples.

So... read and enjoy.

Go ahead... be lazy.

In this blog, I've told you a lot about how your job, in your early eHarmony communications is to build intrigue... and do little more.

And, the funny thing is, people often feel that they need to do more.

They write long, involved essays in their "About me" profiles.

They write long, involved answers to phase three questions.

They carefully craft answers to make themselves look super-witty, or super-impressive.

And, in short, they look like they're trying too hard to impress.

And to a woman, "Trying too hard" means a lot of bad things. It shows that you lack confidence. That you feel that a more genuine expression of your personality isn't enough to win them over.

These kinds of impressive efforts also imply that you're trying too hard to win people over... even when you don't know them very well. They may flatter or amuse her, but attraction only occurs when a woman feels like she has to work to get you.

So, as I've said... build some intrigue. Then stop. And make her work just as hard (or even a little harder) to get to know you.

Quirky Girl says:

I would love to deny the fact that making women chase you works, but I can't. The guys I've fallen for hardest have made me work for their attentions. It's like anything in life--the more we work for it, the more we appreciate it. If we're given something freely, we tend not to place as much value on it. I'm not suggesting you intentionally play games, but there is something to be said for leaving a little mystery in the relationship. Fill out your profile completely and answer questions accurately, but don't try to cram your life story into them either. You will have plenty of time for that later. And we will smell the stink of desperation on you if you're trying too hard. Sorry, that's just reality. One word of caution: Don't go overboard. If a guy is too brief in answering questions (or barely fills out his profile), it makes me feel like he's putting in the minimum effort required and isn't all that interested.

My suggestions: 400-500 characters (out of the maximum of 1000) for second questions. For responding to matches, about 2 days feels right. I feel like the guys who respond to me the same day (sometimes within minutes) or sometimes the next day are a little over-anxious. Two days lets me know that's he's interested, but that I'm not his only option. I can't speak for all women, but this is what works with me.

Reworking the eHarmony interface...

Okay, most of the time, "eHarmony Cracked" talks about social "hacks". So, for a change of pace, and to satisfy those tech geeks out there... here's a tech tip.

(And, yes, the Google Group readers knew about it for awhile. But not everyone reads the google group. So, thanks, Pyke, for the tip!)

Turns out there's a small community of hackers who use "Greasemonkey" to rework the eHarmony interface. And they have made some pretty neat changes. You can see photos from the "My matches" list. Click on a link to get an idea of what it would take to drive to her city. See how long the match was open... and how long it's been since she's responded to your last communication. All nicely organized. Cool.

To use this:

• You must be running the Firefox web browser, and download the Greasemonkey plug-in while you're in Firefox.
• After you have these installed, visit this link to see what scripts are available. Note that the "My Matches" script incorporates a lot of the other scripts that are on the list!

And, yes, these hacks are compatible with the eHarmony Blog script. So... enjoy!

Some meditations for the journey

Lately, I've been getting into mediations. Little snippets of wisdom to remind me of the proper mental frame. And I've been reading them from a lot of sources - books, email, and discussion groups.

And one of my recent articles had me thinking... if the "failure" mindset is something to avoid, what is the proper mindset to use?

It's too multidimensional for a daily article. But, maybe a collection of reflections can help light the path.

Anyway, here's my first shot. I'll probably come up with more in the following weeks. And if you can think of more... leave a comment.

Remember the Serenity Prayer. (Google it, if you don't know what it is.)

It's fun to let people know who I am. And it's fun to meet new people. Everything after that follows its own course. It doesn't have to be forced. Nor should it be.

I don't have to chase her. Let her chase me.

Some people dwell in negativity. Hopefully, they will dig themselves out when they're ready. In the meantime, they deserve compassion. Not anger.

I will allow negative energy to defeat itself. It does not need my help.

I will improve in my ability to help other people feel good.

I will get to know myself better in the process.

It's fun to try new things. And when they don't work... they make GREAT stories.

My time and genuine personality are my gifts.

Feel the fear... and do it anyway.

Her actions will never change my value.

I'm here to have fun.

Burning one bridge, leaving another...

One of my more controversial speculations has been my observation that I seem to get more matches when my list is empty. Members of the google group have had, at best, mixed opinions about whether this observation is true. And, of course, eHarmony denies it - but they also state many things that seem untrue. (For example, that hitting "find more matches" will result in no more matches than just waiting for new ones to arrive. For me, and members of the google group, this seems to be untrue.)

But, for those who want to experiment with keeping an emptier match list, the question arises - how do you close a match politely, when the relationship has already moved to phone and email?

Here's the way I do it. And so far, it hasn't created any problems.

After you've had your first phone conversation, and your date is set, wait at least one day.

Next, fire off a quick email, leaving the pleasantry that you enjoyed talking to her, and letting her know some details about the date (for example, the address of the place you're meeting each other, how to identify you, etc.)

In that letter, go ahead and mention that, since you've got each other's phone numbers and email addresses, that eHarmony communication seems kinda silly or cumbersome. And end the note with an invitation for pre-date banter, if you wish.

After the note is sent, go ahead and close her, with the reason, "We're communicating outside of eHarmony."

... It's really that simple. And it's never created a problem for me.

A peace offering for the feminists (?!)

Well, it's finally happened. To tell you the truth, I expected it sooner. A woman has finally come forth, and left a few comments trying to shame me for my piggish behavior. On a day that I announced that I wasn't going to be making posts. Nice.

In my humble opinion, the only thing she succeeded in doing was to expose her own issues. But, someday, someone might make a better argument along her lines. So, in preparation for that day... here's my response. (Sorry if it's less entertaining than my usual articles... but sometimes, serious stridency needs to be met with it's equal.)

First of all - I agree with a lot of what feminists are saying. I wish we lived in a world where women were treated for their merits rather than their conventional beauty. Where men didn't debase themselves in their attempts to get "hot" women, and, instead, went with women who they got along well with. Where women didn't feel like they had to support multi-million dollar fashion industries to retain their self-worth. And where men didn't have to prove themselves to others by "scoring" the hot babes, or feel bad that they aren't.

Unfortunately, we don't live in that world. And I think we'd both like to change that.

But, to many feminists, the tool for the creation of that change is shame. And I don't like that tool at all.

First of all, when you drag someone down, or make them feel worse, they tend to entrench. Not change.

And, at best, you create shame, not hope. Shame doesn't extinguish the desire for a man to get the "hot babe". You just make it unacceptable for him to express that desire. And the inability to express that desire creates economic opportunity for "industries" that help feed these base desires, but degrade both men and women. Things like pornography. The conmen who set up false profiles to beg for money. The list goes on.

In my mind, the "shame" approach isn't working.

My solution? Make men better. Give them self-confidence, and make them better able to stand up for themselves. Help them understand that the actions that they take in objectifying women actually make them less attractive. Help them to create their own standards. And, yes, if beauty is one of those standards... give them what they need to be successful.

At worst? Shallow guys meets shallow girls, and they're shallowly happy together for awhile. And the world is no worse. There aren't any jedi mind tricks in this blog. Genuineness, honesty, and respect are powerful enough - and can't be used to trick anyone.

At best? When men are elevated, they discover that conventional beauty isn't the big deal they made it out to be. And they discover what really makes them happy.

A radical departure from the "shame" approach? Surely.

Are you with me on this experiment? Join the group. And help the guys out. Maybe you'll learn a few things in the process.

And, if you're not... Well, you can keep on trying things your way. Let's agree to disagree.

Maryann says:
I am a feminist and absolutely agree that sexual repression leads to pornography which feeds more shame and repression and the spiral is deadly to men and to women.

Some things on this blog have given me pause because it is uncomfortable to admit that we might need to learn skills to be successful on eHarmony. After all, isn't this the one site where people are serious about compatibility beyond the physical and the flirtatious? Shouldn't chemistry just come naturally? Well, my discomfort does not make it wrong. Turns out, I benefited from learning these skills.

I want men and women to be able to build confidence and have successful experiences with dating. That is the road out of sexism. By the way, sexism refers to structures that are designed to subjugate women. Feminism fights the legalization of these structures. Helping men build confidence in approaching women is not sexist.

Erase "failure" from your mind!

Time and time again, I see men (and women) beat themselves up for their "failures". They talk about the woman that they were interested in... but failed to attract. Or the one they attracted, but failed to seduce. And, after their "failure", they beat themselves up about how badly they're doing.

Well... stop beating yourself up.

If she's not attracted... it's not a failure. No one can be all things for all people. You move on to a woman who shows more interest. And that's not a failure - that's common sense.

If you don't get through guided communication - she's either too quick to judge, or you've got incompatible values. And, in either case, you've done yourself a service by eliminating her early. It's not a failure. It's a woman who's been properly screened out.

If you can't arrange the date... she's uncomfortable with the "meeting a guy online" thing. That's okay. It's not for everybody. And you've saved yourself from going on a date with an uncomfortable woman. So... that's not a failure either.

If you meet, but you can't make it physical... the chemistry isn't always there. And you might make a decent friend. So, that's not a failure either.

And if you can't "seal the deal" - it's probably because you can't come to an agreement on what the deal IS. And that's not a failure either.

Guess what, folks. Even the best pick-up artists don't score by seducing every woman every time. In fact, they don't even try. They're just happy, fun, social people who make an effort to get to know a lot of folks. They make an effort to get into "sets" with 100 people a week. And, when you're social with a lot of folks... good things happen when it's right, and when you're able to develop confidence in handling the next steps.

And the surest way to kill attraction? Pushing too hard.

So, relax. Enjoy the process of getting to know people better. Learn to escalate when opportunities present themselves... and only when they do.

And when a woman acts in a silly, self-defeating way... laugh. Don't beat yourself up.

Quirky Girl Says:
Scott makes some great points here--I agree completely. There's no better way to sabotage your dating successes than by focusing too much on the times when things don't work out. If you let yourself get into a funk, preoccupy yourself with all the things that could possibly go wrong, or let past experiences erode your self-confidence, then you'll be so busy waiting for the other shoe to drop that you might miss a great opportunity or even inadvertently hamper your efforts with someone.

It's just as tough for women when things don't work out the way we had hoped with someone. Finding someone that meets a shortlist of criteria on paper isn't all that difficult. Finding true compatibility is tough, but that's why it's so rewarding when you do find someone you truly click with (and you WILL). If it weren't so challenging, services like eHarmony wouldn't exist.

Next time you experience a perceived "failure," just keep in mind that it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. We women are struggling with the same doubts and disappointments. Fortunately, not all women are attracted to the same type of man, just like not all men are attracted to the same type of woman. My best friend and I are very much alike, yet have completely opposite taste in men. There's nothing wrong with the men she's into; they're just not right for me.

So, keep persevering and enjoy the experience!

Taking a day off tomorrow...

In order to observe Rosh Hashanah (The Jewish New Year), I will not be making a post tomorrow.

Instead, I'll be reflecting... and ready for more on Friday.

And if you want to understand a little bit about what Rosh Hashanah is... enjoy this video.

Introducing... Quirky Girl's commentary

Well, it looks like we have a new female perspective... Say "hello" to Quirky Girl, folks!

I've already posted a few of her comments - check out the "A woman's thoughts" category to find them.

Oh, and she does have her own blog, as well. Check it out.

And, to be completely fair - if any of you ladies have an eHarmony related blog that you'd like to promote... email me. I'll add it to my blog roll.

And, no, folks. Maryann isn't fired. We'll continue to publish her thoughts for as long as she can provide 'em.

Letting some intrigue out...

One pickup technique that I've fully incorporated into eHarmony Cracked is the concept of building intrigue. Especially in the profile, it's important to say just enough to build interest, and leave her wanting to learn more.

But, again, it's possible to take a good idea too far.

Once you've obtained a woman's romantic interests... it's okay to let out some of the suspense. A little bit at a time. Slowly. And only when she does the same with you.

For example, after a woman reads about the "bad jokes" in my profile, I'll probably end up saying one or two on the second date (or so). And, after the obligatory combination of laughter and groaning, I'll let her know that I still haven't told her the worst ones yet.

Intrigue is a weapon to build attraction. But, when the attraction is there, the battle is building comfort. And you build comfort by letting her earn the right to have some of the guards lowered.

And it's reassuring for a woman to learn that your profile is truly consistent with who you are.

The "bribe factor", and the first dates.

I've written a lot about avoiding bribes. And, with good reason. When you're trying to attract a woman with something other than the appeal of being with your genuine self, most women see through the act quickly. And assume that a guy who needs to offer a bribe in order to obtain a woman's interest has little else to offer.

So... on the first dates, does that mean that you shouldn't spend money?

Well, you can take the bribe concept too far.

The first dates should be a way to get to know each other, and to give her an idea of what kinds of things you like to do to have fun. It's a way for you to give her a test drive in your world.

And, if your idea of a good time involves spending money - there's nothing wrong with that. But you need to make sure that the "good time" is an expression of yourself, rather than what you think a generic woman would like.

And if it's not a genuine expression of your sense of fun... a woman is going to be able to figure it out. For example, if you were to choose a restaurant (a little bit boring, but still usable...) that you ordinarily wouldn't go to, a woman will be able to tell - just by your unfamiliarity with the menu, inability to figure out "what's good", and the way you interact with the waitstaff, and, possibly, in the way you make a subtle double-take when you see the bill. All clues that you're trying to be something that you're not.

So, how much should you spend? And should you split the bill?

On the first few dates, the cost needs to be insignificant. Enough so that, if you were to pick up the check, and the woman were to offer to pay her share, you could genuinely say, "Don't be silly". Because the cost is of no importance to you. You're only spending what you'd ordinarily spend on an evening out. And if you can't genuinely convey that... you're in the bribe zone. Because, then, you're not just a guy who's having a good time any more - you're a guy who's trying to make a woman feel indebted to him. And that's a feeling most self-respecting women will avoid.

In my experience, women will often offer to pay their share of the bill... but they'll think you're being cheap if you accept the offer. And, when they insist on paying... it's a sure sign that the date didn't go well at all.

And, as far as deciding in advance to split the bill... I think it comes off badly. If you're deciding where to go on the date, it's a bit rude to stick her with a bill, in my opinion. But then, I also make a lot more than most of the people I date. So, take that in perspective.

So... yes, it is important to avoid bribes. But, if you're not a tightwad, you don't need to act like one.

QuirkyGirl says:

Bribes only work on women who are more interested in what you can do for them than in a true partnership. If what you're after is a long-lasting relationship, then just be yourself. Honesty is key to this whole process. Sure, there are some women who won't appreciate you for who you are, but wouldn't you rather find that out now than five dates later? How much you spend will be inconsequential if she's really into you. I can't remember how much a guy spends on me, but I do remember whether I had a good time or not.

At the risk of sounding old-fashioned, women still appreciate it if you pick up the tab on the first date, especially if you were the one to initiate the date. To me, it's not about cost (it could be a $2 coffee), it's about the gesture--that you're interested enough in me to buy me a coffee. I recently went on a date (he asked me out and suggested dinner) where I offered to pay for half the dinner, and he readily accepted. We went to Starbucks afterwards (his idea, not mine) where I ended up buying both of us drinks. Admittedly, there was no chemistry for me, though he was anxious for a second date. Even if there were chemistry, I would have been put off by the fact that he didn't even offer to buy me a coffee. And I'm not even traditional or conservative by most standards.

My advice: Be yourself. Do something that shows her what you like and how you like to spend your time without overextending yourself budget-wise; it doesn't have to be costly. Pick up the tab on the first date; right or wrong, it makes a good first impression.

Accept it: The ads influence us.

A lot of you have been following my latest experiments - suggesting changes to the eHarmony Cracked system in response to eHarmony's subtle changes in their advertising strategy.

A few people are expressing skepticism. Clearly, the changes in their advertising strategy have been subtle. Can they really make that much of a difference?

First of all, a confession. At first, I didn't recognize the changes, myself. Until I noticed that my standard phase three questions just weren't effective as they used to be. Which either means that I've had a run of very bad luck... or the audience changed, and the questions didn't connect with them like they used to. It was only then that I realized that the advertising message changed.

But do these subtle changes actually influence people's behavior?

Here's another confession: I was an amateur psychology geek before I discovered the seduction community. And, although I could bury everyone in (what they'd probably see as) dull journal articles and book chapters... I'm going to do something different.

Instead of reading the research... watch this video. And see if you still think that advertising doesn't influence our behavior.



Maryann says:

Excellent video, thanks. It makes me wonder in what ways we manipulate each other without meaning to or knowing? It also explains why learning how to work within eHarmony makes such a difference in our results. The eH clientele are different than those on other sites, and understanding something of what they are looking for makes such a difference. It really is not enough to "just be yourself," or to "play it" like the pick up community. You need to educate yourself on what works and why, what not to fall for, and why, etc. This "falling in love for all the right reasons" business takes skill!

From the labs: Ask about what's missing!

So, you've met a woman on eHarmony... but you're hitting the wall in coming up with interesting Step 3 questions to ask.

Sometimes, a woman can seem intriguing, but put up very little material.

And, once again, you can turn that weakness into your asset.

Think about the things that you WANT to know about her... the things that make her feel good, but, for whatever reason, she hasn't talked about so far.

If someone puts up an "I'm so serious about social causes" profile... ask about her indulgences.

If all they talk about is their child... ask what they like to do when they get away.

Sometimes, women need a gentle nudge to remind them about these aspects of their personality. By asking these questions, you're showing attention, interest, and selectivity. And you're implying that you're also affiliated with their "fun" side. And women feel good when they answer questions like these.

And if they can't answer the question... do you really want to meet such a one-dimensional woman?

QuirkyGirl Says:
Whenever I get stock questions from one of my matches, I think he is either unimaginative, lazy, or just not interested enough to come up with more meaningful questions that make me feel like he's making an effort to get to know me. Find something in your match's profile that you can ask her a follow-up question about to show her you're paying attention and not just going through the motions. Here are a couple of my favorites:

It sounds like you not only do many things, but you do them all well. What's your secret for balancing professional life, personal achievement, and having fun? (My thoughts: Wow, he thinks I'm talented and wants to know more.)

Why did you choose to go into ________? Is it something you always wanted to do? (My thoughts: He understands my career is important to me and wants to understand why I choose to do what I do.)

What makes you smile like a little girl on Christmas morning, feel really loved, curls your toes? (My thoughts: He's interested in understanding what makes me feel completely satisfied in a relationship.)

Looking for more female perspectives...

Okay, ladies (and I know you're out there)... You've read Maryann's comments. I'm sure that a lot of you have thought, "Hey, I could do that!" Maybe some of you think you can do even better...

Here's your chance. Unfortunately, Maryann will be winding her activity down... With her busy academic schedule and new boyfriend, she'll soon find herself unable to continue. So... I'm looking for folks who will entertain and inform. And I'm definitely NOT looking for a "dittos" girl.

So, if you'd like to be our new "female perspective"... send me an email, and a writing sample. (In other words... send me a sample of your reaction to some of my posts.)

And, thanks, Maryann. It's been fun. Best of luck... and keep in touch.

More member blogs...

Well, folks... it looks like the "blog family" is starting to blossom. First, it was HeyWould Floyd's blog... And now, "Just a Guy" has started one of his own.

They're interesting reading. It's nice to see how other people apply these ideas in the real world... and the experiences they're having.

Because of our ever-expanding family... I've started a blogroll for our members who decide to go out and build their own blogs. You'll find it on our left hand side.

And, if you have a blog describing your eHarmony Cracked experience... email me. I'll add you to the blogroll.

From the lab: Ask them to expand their interests!

Although questions about relationship (and relationship potential) aren't gathering the enthusiastic responses that they used to, we still want ask questions during phase three that accomplish the goals we've already set:

1. To display that you're paying attention. You're not just hitting on every woman who enters phase three. You're much more selective than that.
2. To get them to talk about things that make them feel good.

Well, by the time you've hit phase three of guided communication, you should have some ideas about the subjects that make them feel good. They've usually at least tried to bring up some passions. They've given you a list of things they can't live without. And you have a list of must haves.

So... call them on it. Ask for more detail. If they say that they're passionate about "putting a smile on people's faces", ask them to tell you a story about how they did that during the week. If they put "Must have a partner who is engaged in the community", ask them about what they do.

You're showing interest, attention, and selectivity. And, unless she isn't passionate about the things she's talking about... she should enjoy answering the question.

And if she's not... do you really want to hang with her?

Another "trick" tomorrow...

From the labs: The "Stage 3" connection

As I've noted before, things are changing on eHarmony. The advertising "push" lately has been more on "easy compatability and chemistry", with less emphasis on marriage.

And, although I've mentioned that I still think they're overselling... it is an improvement. But technique does have to change in light of the changing nature of eHarmony's memebers.

For example, a year ago, my phase three questions focused upon relationships - asking women to be specific about who they were looking for, how they felt when they were with someone "right", and what they had to offer.

And, a year ago, these topics were dead-on. Because people subscribed to eHarmony in order to fulfill these promises.

Today - that just ain't so. While people responded eagerly and enthusiastically to these questions before... now, they think it's too picky. Or putting the cart before the horse.

So... that reliable saw isn't working any more. So, what are some better ways to engage your target?

It takes a lot more personalization... but it's possible. And I'll go through some new techniques that are showing some promise over the next few days.

We were almost there, when... (Or: LMR, ASD, MOUSE)

It can be a maddening thing. You're feeling like the comfort is there. She seems willing. Things start to get hot and heavy.

And, all of the sudden, she blocks your physical advances.

The seduction community has written a lot about management of last-minute resistance (LMR) and the "Anti-slut defense" (ASD). But, since people like reading my personal spin on things... here it is.

For real resistance: Time out, reevaluate
When women are saying, "No", they make it very clear. They will politely push you away, or tell you to stop. Usually both.

When you're in the moment, one thing that many men do is back off a little bit, continue the physical escalation... and usually, get blocked again. It's a cycle that's uncomfortable for both of you. So, it's not the best move.

The usual community response is a "freeze out". And community members write as if it's a manipulative thing to do - basically, to stop all physical contact, do something else, and wait for her to come back.

Personally, I don't see it as manipulative at all. It's a display of kindness. She's feeling overworked, and uncomfortable. You say, "I understand", give her a little room to breathe, and let her come back when she's ready. And there's nothing manipulative about that.

While you're giving her a break to gather her wits... think about what led up to this resistance. Are you both clear and comfortable with what the next step means in your relationship? Are you feeling comfortable enough with each other to truly believe what you're saying the relationship is? Are you giving mixed signals? Or is she?

Finally, physical escalation exists as a continuum of comfort. If kissing isn't comfortable, advancing past kissing will lead to resistance. Take your time, and let things unfold as comfort allows.

How much time? The Mystery Model posits a "seven hour rule" - basically, for an average seduction, it takes about seven hours (4-11 is the range) to build enough comfort for the idea of sex to be okay. But, keep in mind, this is for women who have very few "strings attached" - the idea of having sex doesn't mean that much. If it means more... you'll probably need to spend more time.

About pseudo-resistance
There's another small category of behavior that could be considered resistance, of a sort.

Unlike real resistance, there isn't a clear, "no", and no physical resistance (maybe even physical escalation). Generally, they're phrases which are not accompanied by physical blocking. Phrases like: "That's pretty aggressive", "We shouldn't be doing this", "I'm nervous", "This is going pretty fast", and so on. They're observations. They're not saying "no", while they're continuing (or escalating) physical activity.

And, they're not really "no." It's a woman's way of saying, "Hey, we're crossing a line here... let me know it's OK."

So... provide the reassurance. And continue. If you're wrong, she'll let you know.

And, obviously... use proper protection, guys.

Maryann says:

I agree, Scott. Good post.