A peace offering for the feminists (?!)

Well, it's finally happened. To tell you the truth, I expected it sooner. A woman has finally come forth, and left a few comments trying to shame me for my piggish behavior. On a day that I announced that I wasn't going to be making posts. Nice.

In my humble opinion, the only thing she succeeded in doing was to expose her own issues. But, someday, someone might make a better argument along her lines. So, in preparation for that day... here's my response. (Sorry if it's less entertaining than my usual articles... but sometimes, serious stridency needs to be met with it's equal.)

First of all - I agree with a lot of what feminists are saying. I wish we lived in a world where women were treated for their merits rather than their conventional beauty. Where men didn't debase themselves in their attempts to get "hot" women, and, instead, went with women who they got along well with. Where women didn't feel like they had to support multi-million dollar fashion industries to retain their self-worth. And where men didn't have to prove themselves to others by "scoring" the hot babes, or feel bad that they aren't.

Unfortunately, we don't live in that world. And I think we'd both like to change that.

But, to many feminists, the tool for the creation of that change is shame. And I don't like that tool at all.

First of all, when you drag someone down, or make them feel worse, they tend to entrench. Not change.

And, at best, you create shame, not hope. Shame doesn't extinguish the desire for a man to get the "hot babe". You just make it unacceptable for him to express that desire. And the inability to express that desire creates economic opportunity for "industries" that help feed these base desires, but degrade both men and women. Things like pornography. The conmen who set up false profiles to beg for money. The list goes on.

In my mind, the "shame" approach isn't working.

My solution? Make men better. Give them self-confidence, and make them better able to stand up for themselves. Help them understand that the actions that they take in objectifying women actually make them less attractive. Help them to create their own standards. And, yes, if beauty is one of those standards... give them what they need to be successful.

At worst? Shallow guys meets shallow girls, and they're shallowly happy together for awhile. And the world is no worse. There aren't any jedi mind tricks in this blog. Genuineness, honesty, and respect are powerful enough - and can't be used to trick anyone.

At best? When men are elevated, they discover that conventional beauty isn't the big deal they made it out to be. And they discover what really makes them happy.

A radical departure from the "shame" approach? Surely.

Are you with me on this experiment? Join the group. And help the guys out. Maybe you'll learn a few things in the process.

And, if you're not... Well, you can keep on trying things your way. Let's agree to disagree.

Maryann says:
I am a feminist and absolutely agree that sexual repression leads to pornography which feeds more shame and repression and the spiral is deadly to men and to women.

Some things on this blog have given me pause because it is uncomfortable to admit that we might need to learn skills to be successful on eHarmony. After all, isn't this the one site where people are serious about compatibility beyond the physical and the flirtatious? Shouldn't chemistry just come naturally? Well, my discomfort does not make it wrong. Turns out, I benefited from learning these skills.

I want men and women to be able to build confidence and have successful experiences with dating. That is the road out of sexism. By the way, sexism refers to structures that are designed to subjugate women. Feminism fights the legalization of these structures. Helping men build confidence in approaching women is not sexist.