The "bribe factor", and the first dates.

I've written a lot about avoiding bribes. And, with good reason. When you're trying to attract a woman with something other than the appeal of being with your genuine self, most women see through the act quickly. And assume that a guy who needs to offer a bribe in order to obtain a woman's interest has little else to offer.

So... on the first dates, does that mean that you shouldn't spend money?

Well, you can take the bribe concept too far.

The first dates should be a way to get to know each other, and to give her an idea of what kinds of things you like to do to have fun. It's a way for you to give her a test drive in your world.

And, if your idea of a good time involves spending money - there's nothing wrong with that. But you need to make sure that the "good time" is an expression of yourself, rather than what you think a generic woman would like.

And if it's not a genuine expression of your sense of fun... a woman is going to be able to figure it out. For example, if you were to choose a restaurant (a little bit boring, but still usable...) that you ordinarily wouldn't go to, a woman will be able to tell - just by your unfamiliarity with the menu, inability to figure out "what's good", and the way you interact with the waitstaff, and, possibly, in the way you make a subtle double-take when you see the bill. All clues that you're trying to be something that you're not.

So, how much should you spend? And should you split the bill?

On the first few dates, the cost needs to be insignificant. Enough so that, if you were to pick up the check, and the woman were to offer to pay her share, you could genuinely say, "Don't be silly". Because the cost is of no importance to you. You're only spending what you'd ordinarily spend on an evening out. And if you can't genuinely convey that... you're in the bribe zone. Because, then, you're not just a guy who's having a good time any more - you're a guy who's trying to make a woman feel indebted to him. And that's a feeling most self-respecting women will avoid.

In my experience, women will often offer to pay their share of the bill... but they'll think you're being cheap if you accept the offer. And, when they insist on paying... it's a sure sign that the date didn't go well at all.

And, as far as deciding in advance to split the bill... I think it comes off badly. If you're deciding where to go on the date, it's a bit rude to stick her with a bill, in my opinion. But then, I also make a lot more than most of the people I date. So, take that in perspective.

So... yes, it is important to avoid bribes. But, if you're not a tightwad, you don't need to act like one.

QuirkyGirl says:

Bribes only work on women who are more interested in what you can do for them than in a true partnership. If what you're after is a long-lasting relationship, then just be yourself. Honesty is key to this whole process. Sure, there are some women who won't appreciate you for who you are, but wouldn't you rather find that out now than five dates later? How much you spend will be inconsequential if she's really into you. I can't remember how much a guy spends on me, but I do remember whether I had a good time or not.

At the risk of sounding old-fashioned, women still appreciate it if you pick up the tab on the first date, especially if you were the one to initiate the date. To me, it's not about cost (it could be a $2 coffee), it's about the gesture--that you're interested enough in me to buy me a coffee. I recently went on a date (he asked me out and suggested dinner) where I offered to pay for half the dinner, and he readily accepted. We went to Starbucks afterwards (his idea, not mine) where I ended up buying both of us drinks. Admittedly, there was no chemistry for me, though he was anxious for a second date. Even if there were chemistry, I would have been put off by the fact that he didn't even offer to buy me a coffee. And I'm not even traditional or conservative by most standards.

My advice: Be yourself. Do something that shows her what you like and how you like to spend your time without overextending yourself budget-wise; it doesn't have to be costly. Pick up the tab on the first date; right or wrong, it makes a good first impression.