Want a date? Get a life.

A lot of my readers ask me, "What are some good places to take a date to?"

I answer politely... but most guys don't realize why that's such a bad question to ask.

Most guys, when they plan a date, try to impress a woman. They take them somewhere "nice", hoping that being "nice" will help them be with the girl.

Unfortunately, most women see "nice" as "doing whatever you feel like you need to do to get in my pants".

And asking, "What's a good idea for a date" puts you even further in that spiral of trying to be someone that isn't you, in the hope that the woman will think you're "nice".

I look at dates in a completely different way.

It's a chance to do something fun, and see how this woman fits in.

What's fun? That's different for everyone. What do you usually like to do on a weekend?

If you think that's too boring... maybe it's time to try some new things?

For me, some of my favorites are ethnic food and art shows.

Because... if a woman isn't interested in trying new foods... she's not adventurous enough for me.

And if a woman can't hold a decent conversation at an art show... It's a sign that we may not have too much in common.

And if she has a good time... I know that we have something in common.

A few tips on date selection:

• Don't strain your bank account. If you're a college student, very inexpensive or free dates are best. When I mentioned ethnic food - it's cheap, enjoyable, and presents absolutely no strain on my budget whatsoever. Expensive dates are a bribe.
• Choose an activity where you can talk, and where playful touch would be OK. Movies and shows are particularly bad places for early date venues, because it's difficult to have a conversation.
• Don't make the first dates long. An hour at the most. It's uncomfortable to sit with someone longer when you realize early on in the date that you don't enjoy each others' company...
• If you want to extend the date, consider changing venue. But don't make it a marathon. You want her to feel like the date was too short, not too long.

Just pick something where you have fun. Because you deserve someone who can also have fun sharing your life.

The whole system - an overview

Okay, you're starting to see how certain pieces of the eHarmony Cracked system fall into place... but some of you may still be confused about where we're going, and when.

An excellent question. So, today, I think I'll summarize. Here's how the system flows.

"About Me"
Average guy - Don't be offensive. I don't want a woman to reject me.
eHarmony Cracked - Casually talk about yourself. Don't worry about the criticism. Say interesting things about yourself... even if some women may lose interest.

Structured Communication
Average guy - Throw out some easy questions. Try to please everybody with your answers.
eHarmony Cracked - Realize that you're a great catch. Answer questions with confidence, and make her feel like she's being tested. And make her work for your attention.

Open Communication
Average guy - Give shallow compliments, tell her about how you know that you're right for each other. Answer her questions until she's comfortable enough to give you her phone number.
eHarmony Cracked - Express the feeling that you find some things interesting, but you haven't made a decision about her yet. And you're a busy guy, so, if you're going to get to know each other, phone numbers need to be exchanged.

Phone Call
Average guy - Lots of small-talk, answer more questions, build more comfort, try to get a date.
eHarmony Cracked - Only have time for a short talk, ask some questions. Keep her on her guard a little bit. You need to know more to figure her out... so you agree to meet up.

Date Planning
Average guy - Pick a stereotypical date that should please any girl. Impress her with how nice you are to her.
eHarmony Cracked - Plan to show her a piece of your life - what you like to do when you have fun. That way, you'll get to subtly evaluate how she'd fit into your life.

The Date
Average guy - Treat her nicely, don't do anything offensive. Hope that she'll like you back, because you're being so nice.
eHarmony Cracked - Start to let your guard down a little. Make her feel like she's starting to pass your tests... and see if the physical chemistry is there.

Beyond the first date
Average guy - Keep on being nice until she either becomes bored, or starts to become attached.
eHarmony Cracked - See if the two of you really fit. If you do, great. If not... there are plenty more.

And that's the system in a nutshell.

I'm putting my money where my mouth is!

There are a lot of websites, books, and devices out there designed to help people meet women online. Most of 'em are pretty bad, but I've learned from some of them.

There's one thing that none of these resources do, though.

At best, these "experts" will sometimes trumpet their success stories.

But they never let you know exactly how good they really are.

I can't say as I blame them. After all, if your percentage wasn't really impressive, people might decide not to buy your product, right?

Well... if you haven't noticed... I'm not making money here. (If I was preparing for a commercial release, I'd be giving away way too much of my material.) So... I think you deserve the truth.

And if you can prove to me that you can do better... you've got my attention. I'll start listening to your advice.

So, I'm putting up a weekly "War Journal". Starting now.

First of all, I'm running my search with a big handicap. I'm Jewish, and will only consider dating someone who is also Jewish. (And, for those who don't know... in online services, the only services with a decent Jewish population are jdate.com and eHarmony.) I live in a small city with a low Jewish population... so most of my matches will involve long-distance meetings.

I reopened my account on Saturday... how am I doing so far?

Old matches
Three old matches were "left over". (They didn't close me after I told them that I was seeking another relationship.)

I never initiated contact with two of those women. I reopened them, and sent my first questions. Neither has responded. (I suspect they're inactive... but let's see.)

One was in open communication. I sent her a message, and she's already responded. Seems enthusiastic, and I'll probably try to make phone contact this week. I'll keep you posted on this one.

Matches who I closed
8 matches would entail a drive over 4 hours one way. In my book, this prevents us from getting to know each other. I closed these matches.

One was a 3 hour drive away, but she's a medical resident. I figure that there's no way she'd have time to get to know someone in a long-distance relationship, so I closed.

One was a 3 hour drive away, but she's a graduate student. Sorry... but I exclude people from the dating pool who haven't lived on their own outside of school. I closed this one.

Matches who closed me
Only one so far. She's a 3 hour drive, and employed as a college professor. She said that the distance was too far. Her job probably isn't the slightest bit portable... so I don't blame her.

Started communication
One was actually less than an hour away. Unfortunately, there's no photo, and minimal entries in "About me". I suspect she's not serious... but, given that short drive, I'll leave her open for a bit.

Three others are a two hour drive away. I initiated communication, but no response so far.

In "open", but communication not initiated
There are three matches that are a little longer than a three hour drive. Otherwise, looking promising... but that drive looks harsh. I'll keep 'em on the side for now.

I'll give you updates every Monday...

P.S. You notice that I call it "meeting women online". I refuse to call it "online dating". Getting information about someone over the internet is not a date, in my opinion...

The best "step 3" questions...

Finally, you've reached Step 3 in structured communication.

Here's a great opportunity to (again) separate yourself from the pack, by showing that you have standards. Unlike the teeming masses that are just going through this step to get a chance to get into her pants, you can demonstrate that you're selective... and that she hasn't won you over yet.

So, what are the best questions to ask in step 3?

See that list of questions?

Don't ask them.

Okay, if you must, use one of them. But that's it.

When you ask one of the "stock" questions, she's seen it a million times. And she responds by giving a "stock" answer. If she's experienced in eHarmony, she's got her answers memorized, and she's typing them as a reflex.

You don't want that. You want her to think. You want her to worry a little bit whether she's meeting your standards. Because, when she does that, she's invested in the outcome.

If she has to work for you, she has to justify that work. And she'll justify that work by believing that you're worth working for. Just like the psychological experiment that I describe in the welcome package.

Unfortunately, I can't give you questions. Because, if I put them up, a million new guys will be using them. And the whole effect is blown.

But, I can give you an idea of what makes a good question.

First of all, it should be at least as challenging as the stock eHarmony questions. Remember the first time you saw them? You should work at least as hard (if not a tiny bit harder) as you did when you first answered them.

Second, don't be critical. If you challenge them on a "must have" or criticize something in their profile, only do it if you're ready to reject her. Because she'll probably reject you preemptively. Believe me, I learned this one the hard way.

Finally, put them in a "happy" spot. Not only do they have to think about their answer, but they need to be reflecting on something that makes them feel good, confident, satisfied, and happy. This way, she'll associate passing your tasks with feeling good. And that helps.

... And, definitely, don't air any baggage in these questions. You want to be selective, but positive, happy, and emotionally ready. Asking about breakups, "dealkillers" in past relationships, and so on... makes you look insecure. And that will be a dealkiller.

Stay tuned... Tonight, I'm starting a new feature.

Any last words?

Finally, we're down to the last section of "About me":

"Is there any additional information you would like your matches to know about you?"

Many of the men on eHarmony use this section as their final opportunity to confess their faults and problems to potential matches. Hopefully, by now, you know better.

There are two things you might consider putting here.

The first thing is for some of our readers.

If you're looking to date women who are over 30, and you're dating more for entertainment than for "finding the one", I'd say it in this section. Most women in this age category have deliberately subscribed to eHarmony because of its promises to provide people with the "love of their lives". And they get quite angry when they find out that the man they've talked to is not commitment-minded.

If (and only if) you're facing this problem, I'd state, in this section, the type of relationship you are looking for. But I'd still end with a call to action.

Because everyone should close with a brief "call to action".

Let's face it. To read the last sentence of your profile, you've successfully captured a woman's interest. At least, to some degree.

Now, you need to tell her what to do next.

So, acknowledge her interest, and tell her to start communication.

Even something as simple as, "So, if you want to find out more... Let's communicate.", should do the trick. No need to make it more complicated than that.

I will return (as always) on Monday... have a great weekend!

Hey! What're YOU doing?

I've held off on discussing this section of the eHarmony profile, because most people do okay with it.

I said "okay". I didn't say they did well. Just okay.

The question is: "How do you typically spend your leisure time?"

I'd rephrase this question. A better way to phrase this question would be, "What things do you do that make you fun to be with?"

Well, first of all, almost no one can describe all of the interesting things that they do in such a limited space. So... don't be afraid to say that in the essay.

And everyone has a different definition of "fun". Use yours.

Remember when I talked about "headlights"? Tell them enough about your interests to be intriguing, but not so much that you tell the whole story. Make them want to ask questions about what you do. And, maybe a little excited about the possibility of joining you.

Another thing that you can do to separate yourself from the pack, is to avoid responding with the cliched, "I like to" (the rest of the list goes here). You want to write in a way that helps her draw herself into the picture. Saying things like "You'll find me/ see me" forces her to enter (and hopefully enjoy) your world.

So... bring her for a quick ride in your world. Just enough to whet her appetite.

From the labs: Ways to get more matches!

The more you communicate, the more you learn.

I've picked up a few techniques to get more matches out of eHarmony... Some of these, better tested than others. But, in the spirit of experimentation and improvement, here we go:

One of our readers, Steve, writes:

I noticed that they really throttled back the amount of matches they were giving me, like I would request more match's, it would come back and say we could not find any and then the next day it would email me like one match. But, something weird happened that I am testing right now.

That is...I went in and updated like one line in my profile, then requested matches and they gave me three new one's right then and there. Did the same thing the following day and the same thing happened. I am still testing, but I believe updating your profile may generate more matches. I'll let you know what I find.

Thanks, Steve! I'm sure our readers will help you figure out whether or not this works...

Also, from cruising the web, I discovered the "eHarmony Blog". The writer is really dedicated to getting as many matches as she can from the site, and discovered that hammering it with "find matches" requests... seems to work for her. In fact, she created an HTML script to automate the process of requesting matches every 10 minutes... Some of you may want to check it out. Oh, and, if you dig deeper into the blog, she does say that it's impossible for eHarmony to give you more than 6 matches daily using this method.

So... thanks for the advice, folks!

In the upcoming weeks, you'll see results from some experiments I'm trying to run:

• Could a comment in the profile make women more receptive to FastTrack requests? I plan to find out.
• You may notice that I haven't written about what to write in open communication yet. Unfortunately, my system (as is) is an extension of someone else's "online dating" system for other sites. I've tried to negotiate with this system's author for permission to put up my derivative version of his work. Unfortunately, he has refused my request. So... I'll be testing a new "open communication" system that does not build on his work. If you can prove to me that you've purchased his plan, email me, and I'll send you my modifications. (I don't think he can possibly object to that.)

More to come... stay tuned.

Social Ju-Jitsu in Action - Answering questions

Well, as promised... here are some ways that I answer canned eHarmony questions.

I don't write these answers for you to copy. In fact, please don't. They reflect my preferences and my personality. If you copy my answers,you're going to look like me. And when they meet you on the date, and act differently than I do... you're asking for problems.

They're meant to demonstrate my earlier points. Don't copy my answers. Instead note how I do the following:

• Give a nondefensive answer to the question. (Unless it's offensive.)
• Express unsureness if she's meeting my standards, when possible.
• (Not an absolute requirement, but VERY good if you can pull it off) Expresses this unsureness in a playful way. The more unsureness I express, the more playfully I express it.
• Displays no anger or resentment.
• The answers are (or at least seem to be) off the cuff and conversational.

So... here are some samples.

"When in a relationship, how much personal space do you generally find you need?"

In a respectful relationship, this works itself out. My needs aren't large, but aren't absent...

"How important is chemistry to you?"

If the chemistry isn't there quickly... there's usually a reason.

"If you were to marry, how many children would be ideal?"

Asking to bear my children already? I DO want them, but this is fast...

"Your idea of a romantic time would be:" / "How romantic are you?"

Real romance is in the way you treat each other every day.

"Would you rather date someone who is:" (busy, not busy)

I take care of myself fine, but if you're too busy for me to get to know you...

"Do you consider yourself physically affectionate when involved in a relationship?"

In private, absolutely. In public, 'ya gotta moderate it. (Hugs at a funeral good. Making out at a funeral bad.)

"If I had a bad day, what is the first thing you would do for me?"

If you've earned my affection, I'd try to do what makes you feel better.

"Are pets an important part of your life?"

I like pets, but, as a busy single guy, would feel too guilty to own one...

"What is your opinion on your mate having opposite sex friendships?"

Friends are good. Cheating is bad. Common sense, really...

"What is your opinion on premarital sex?"

Close match. Anyone who would ask this question sees sex VERY differently than I do.

Back in the saddle again...

Well, it's the weekend after Valentine's day... and I'm returning to the field after an 8 month relationship.

It's sad when a seemingly good relationship starts to turn ugly. But, you always have "the system".

When you've got "it", you can be selective. And I didn't get into an 8 month long-distance relationship with just anybody. She was a triathelete, smart as a whip, adventurous enough to keep up with the likes of me... things really were looking good.

It was a serious relationship. We'd talked about the m-word. I'd talked about moving near her... because she was in a graduate degree program that she'd already paid for. It would have been disrespectful to ask her to leave her hometown when it was easier for me to make the sacrifice.

But, that's when the worm started to turn.

This weekend, I got the call. I would always talk to her about what I'd been doing to find a job near her. I won't talk about my "day job" here, but, let's just say that I work at a very high level within an organization. When there's an opening within another organization... Human Resources won't know about it. You won't see the job opening in the newspapers. You find these jobs by working social networks. And I told her about this, and kept her informed.

Well, this weekend, she fires the ultimatum. She can't take it anymore. She needs me to move within one month.

The old me might have done something stupid.

But, the new me knows when he's being disrespected.

I was willing to leave family, my current job, and my friends to pursue our relationship further. But, on top of that, I had to rush to a point that sacrifices my well-being?

If she loved me, would she give me such an ultimatum?

I calmly (but sadly) told her that I couldn't move that quickly. And then, she started going off on how I was leading her on, not doing anything, etc. And I calmly replied that, if she really places that little trust in me (after telling her that I was willing to move to be with her, and after keeping her apprised of what I was doing), that this was a blessing.

I hung up soon after that. (Hmm... weekend after V-Day, after presents are given. Breakup by phone after an 8 month relationship. Are you feeling the love and respect here?) I'm still dealing with psycho-voice-mails and emails, not one of which deals with anything that could be considered loving or respectful.

And, so it goes. I honestly didn't see it coming... she managed to hide this side of herself for a very long time.

But, that's the freedom a system gives you.

When a woman isn't meeting your standards... you know that there are plenty more out there that will.

And you don't have to give in to ultimatums, or do stupid things to be with the person you fall in love with, and who loves you equally. And you know you can leave.

But, when you're with the right person, you don't want to. I guess it's not this time.

Thanks for letting me lick my wounds. Back to our normal programming tomorrow.

eHarmony's pickup line - "Read any good books lately?"

"Describe the last book you read and enjoyed". Ugh. eHarmony really has stooped to using one of the oldest pickup lines in history... but you're stuck with it. (Maybe it was new when Neil Clark Warren was young.) Let's make the best of it, shall we?

Most people, when answering this question, provide a title and little more.

And the worst people wrote long essays justifying why it's been so long since they've read.

Well, certainly, don't do that. You don't need to say how long ago you read the book. You just have to have enjoyed it.

So... think of the last book that really made an emotional impact. I don't care if it was an audio book. I don't care if you read it to your 5 year old niece. The only thing that matters is that it sucked you in.

So... talk about the book, and what "sucked you in".

If you do this right... you've implied a lot of good characteristics about yourself. For example, when I talked about "Fast Food Nation", I demonstrated that I was an intelligent, socially conscious guy who doesn't take any dogma at 100% face value.

Which is a lot more effective (and believable) than saying "I'm intelligent, and I care about the world" in other sections.

I will return on Monday...

It's a profile. Not a confession.

Let's take a look at two other profile questions:

"What is the ONE thing that people DON'T notice about you right away that you WISH they would?"
"Describe one thing about yourself that only your best friends know."

A lot of people take these questions as a golden opportunity to shoot themselves in the foot. They display their insecurities, and hope that a woman will accept them in all of their craziness.

Hey, I'm all for craziness. I'm as flawed as everyone else. It's part of what makes us human.

But the eHarmony profile is not a place to expose your weaknesses.

"But, shouldn't I be honest?"

Absolutely. But a profile isn't meant to sum up everything in your life. That would be an impossible task. Your profile is there to say what is interesting about you.

If you try to use it as a confessional, it doesn't make you look attractive.

So, what are some better ways to answer these questions?

For the first, "The one thing that people don't notice about you right away", I like to respond in one sentence. One format that works well is, "Because I'm (what I wrote as the first thing people notice), people don't notice that I'm also (another positive quality congruent with the rest of the profile.)"

In "Describe one thing about yourself that only your best friends know", say something about yourself that's quirky, but endearing. Don't sell yourself with this statement, just try to make yourself look human. Choose something about yourself that's a little bit off-the-wall, but would not be considered a dealkiller. "I've got a serious Starbuck's addiction. My friends are threatening to have an intervention." "I still have Hootie and the Blowfish on my iPod." "I still play 'slugbug' with my little brother". You get the idea. Have fun with this one.

Keys to answering those eHarmony Questions...

So, now that you know what questions to ask... you want to know how to answer her questions.

As usual, I'm going to start with describing principles before discussing specifics. So... here are my principles. (And read this link for review.)

The general rules:

• Unless a question is rude, insulting, or overinvasive... answer it without fear.
• When possible, take ownership of the answer... and turn it into your own test.
• Answer honestly. Why waste time with someone who isn't going to like who you really are?
• Don't go into romantic mush.
• Don't make compliments, or "hit" on her. At best, indicate mild, but suspicious interest.
• Make your answers congruent with your profile, and everything else that she knows about you.
• If you have a sense of humor or wit... use it. But don't try too hard.
• Test, but never insult.

For multiple-choice questions:

• If a question is a true choice (such as "would you rather do... A, B, or C), don't create a new option. She may see this as trying to evade your question.
• If it's not a "forced choice", feel free to write your own answer.
• If you can demonstrate your personality in a "fill in the blank"... it's a good thing.

For open-ended questions:

• Answer casually. Use good grammar and spelling, but make the tone conversational. Smile while you write it.
• Don't write book-length answers. In fact, a long paragraph is probably too much. You don't want to look like you're trying hard to answer the question. Rule of thumb: go into slightly less detail than she did in completing her profile questions.
• Only write enough to answer the question, and say something interesting that she may ask a follow-up question about.
• I'll say it again... DON'T HIT ON HER. No "bribes". If you feel like you must comment on similarities, make it a very tepid one. (For example, ending a "physical activities you enjoy" answer with, "You seem pretty active though, so I don't think this would be a problem for us...") And no romantic mush ever. You must answer as if you still haven't decided whether you like her or not.

Okay, I'm actually going to peel off the veil, and give you examples of the ways that I answer some questions. Soon.

What are the best multiple-choice questions?

So, which multiple-choice questions should you choose to ask?

That depends on you, and what you're looking for.

Some of my readers may like relaxing at home most of the time, and want their partner to be equally comfortable with it. Others are more outgoing, and want their partners to be able to "play" with them. Some have intellectual criteria, others, more physical.

It's not my place to decide what you're looking for... but I can rate the strength of each of these questions.

So, let's sort through my criteria, and take a look at the multiple choice questions that are available to you.

In ascending order of goodness:

So bad, I wrote a blog entry describing how bad it is:
How important is chemistry to you?

Don't use - exposes your own insecurities:
Do you consider yourself physically affectionate when involved in a relationship?

Don't use - exposes "baggage" and takes matches to an "unhappy place":
If you had to characterize the end of most of your romantic relationships, they would be described as:
Which of the following marriage issues do you fear most?
Which of the following quirks would bother you most about your partner?
How important is it to you that your partner be accepted by your family and friends?

Avoid these questions - Asking too much, too soon:
Where do you see yourself living in 15 years?
If you were to marry, how many children would be ideal?

Avoid these questions - They imply bribes:
If you could take a dream getaway, where would you most likely choose to spend a week?

Steer away - May be too much of an "overtly romantic" bribe:
Your idea of a romantic time would be:
How romantic are you?

Don't use - brings matches to a "bad place", and, if they're talking to you, you're probably OK:
What is your opinion of committed long distance relationships?
What are your body-type preferences for your mate?

Harsh screens - use only if you're willing to generate ill will in order to screen someone out now:
Would you rather date someone who is: (busy, not busy)
What do you think of "Soul Mates"?
How trusting are you?
How do you feel about relocating for a relationship?
How do you feel about premarital sex?
Financially, how would you characterize yourself?
How would you assess your verbal intimacy skills?
What is your opinion on your mate having opposite sex friendships?
In a marriage, how would you feel if the woman made significantly more money than the man?

Dumb questions that may generate ill will:
If I had a bad day, what is the first thing you would do for me?

Dumb questions that provide no significant "screening":
With which sentence do you agree most? (avoiding/liking dangerous activities)

Decent "screens" that take most people to an unhappy place - use with great caution:
Which of the following scenarios would make you more nervous?
Which of the following quirks would bother you most about your partner?
How much ongoing stress do you have in your life?
Realizing that labels are imperfect, do you consider yourself a dominant person in your personal life?
Outside of a romantic relationship, are you competitive?

Don't be afraid to use these, if you're selective in this regard:
If you were taken by your date to a party where you knew no one, how would you respond?
How often do you lose your temper?
When in a relationship, how much personal space do you generally find you need?
If you decided to stay at home for the evening, would you tend to:
How many books did you read last year?
When going somewhere: (usually early, on time, etc.)
What best describes your parents' relationship toward each other?
What best describes your attitude toward work?
Your idea of adventure is:
What kind of exercise do you prefer?
How many years have you lived alone?
Do you enjoy being alone?
How organized are you?
What is your opinion of traditional gender roles?
Do you consider yourself an ambitious person?
How do you feel about food?
How often do you find yourself laughing?
Do you enjoy debating the issues of the day with your partner?
How often do you exercise?
What's your philosophy on travel?
Are pets an important part of your life?

Happy questions that are still decent screens ("Filler" questions, not to be used exclusively):
Which of the following indoor activities sounds like the most fun to you?
On Saturday night, would you rather go to:
If you went out to eat with a friend, which of the following would you prefer?
What style of dress do you prefer?
Which of the following things would you rather have lots of?
Which sort of date sounds like the most fun to you?
Are you a passionate person?

What is a good question in structured communication?

I know, I know. You guys want a list of the questions you should ask.

I'll start that list tomorrow. But, first, I think it's important to know what elements are necessary in order to make something a good question.

Unfortunately, there are few ideal questions. However, a good question should try to observe these rules:

1. Make her think. People invest more value into things that they had to put effort into. And you want her to value the possibility of meeting you.
2. Reflect where the relationship is. Right now, all you want to know is whether she's interesting enough to meet. And that's all you want to ask right now. Questions about the raising of children, sexual issues, and wedding ceremonies are premature. Putting these in your must haves/can't stands is OK, but asking these questions before you're even sure that you enjoy her company is very premature.
3. Put her in a happy place when she's answering the questions. You want her to feel good when she answers your questions. Asking her questions that remind her of happy times in her life helps you to do that.
4. Don't offer bribes. Overly "romantic" questions are common, as are men who brag about their material wealth. They don't reflect where the relationship is. Again, women are not attracted to men who feel like they have to offer bribes to engage a woman's interest.
5. Avoid "baggage" issues. Asking "are you going to do what another girlfriend did?" makes you look like you're not opening yourself to what a new person has to offer. And very few women will accept the job of nursing your broken heart before meeting you.
6. Avoid direct confrontation. (Unless you really want to give her one last chance before you're going to close her.) Don't ask questions that can be perceived as antagonistic to her profile statements, her previous answers, or her must haves/can't stands. If you do this, it needs to be done gently, and structured communication/email is a poor tool for the job.

Tomorrow, I'll talk about which of the "multiple choice" questions fit these criteria best.

Filling "Your Matches"

One of the difficulties that a person can have with eHarmony is that the process of finding new matches can be slow. People may wonder, is there any way to get more matches?

Unfortunately, I don't have any special access to eHarmony's algorithms. I doubt they'd provide them to me if I asked. However, I do have some suspicions...

For one, I've noticed that I get more matches when my list is emptier. So, I make an effort to get rid of (likely) unproductive matches quickly. If I get a match with no photo and minimal answers to the "about me" questions, I'll usually close them, with the statement that their answers were too vague. Many people log into eHarmony every day, take the test, and, after seeing the price of the service, decide it's not for them. If they're not going to respond... I don't want them taking valuable space. And I figure that, if I was wrong, they might send me a final message.

As for when to get rid of "real" matches... that will vary greatly on how busy you are, and how promising the match is. If a match seems promising, I'll usually use the "Nudge" feature in a week. If they don't respond a few days after that, I'll usually close them. Granted, some members go on vacations for extended periods, but these are rare. The vast majority of the time, a person who doesn't respond in that time frame wasn't intrigued enough to make a response. And it's time to move on. (And, yes, these people can leave final messages as well...)

Next, it does pay to request new matches. I would do this at least once daily. Sequential requests have never been productive for me. I would wait several hours before making a second request, if I chose to do so. Don't bother requesting more, though, if you've recieved 5 new matches that day. The computer will give you no more than that.

Your occupation - the overlooked profile question

When you start a conversation with a stranger, one of the most common questions that you'll ask is, "What do you do for a living?" (Or, if you're a college student, "What's your major?")

Usually, when you ask that question, you'll get a job title. Which is a pretty boring response.

Usually, people get a chance to ask more interesting questions. "Where do you work? What do you do there?"

And most of us do have work stories that are somewhat interesting. For example, my "chemist" friend is working on engineering strains of wheat that need less pesticides. My "social worker" friend works with people who are homeless because they have severe mental illness.

And these are much better conversation-starters than the job titles.

So, do yourself a favor. When you're asked what your occupation is, don't give a job title. Tell them what you do. Get them interested in learning more.

"No Fear" - a new way to handle shit tests.

As the original "pick-up artists" began their experiments on how to get women to respond to them in bars, they noticed that attractive women would tend to "block them out" if they sensed that a guy was doing things for her only because of physical attraction.

If a guy approached a woman in a normal, unimpressed manner, they noticed that women would test them to see if they if they were really unimpressed.

For example, they might ask the guy to buy her a drink. Or make other requests. Just to see if the guy would respond like all of the other "men" who do what she'll say just because she's attractive.

This got called, "The Shit Test." And the pickup artists devised a lot of methods for deflecting (instead of responding to) these tests.

Which leads to eHarmony questioning. A lot of pick-up artists may take offense at my advice in how to respond to questions. They see them as "shit-tests", which need to be avoided or deflected.

My response? Avoiding structured questions is usually unnecessary. In fact, it's counterproductive.

Yes, in some ways, these are shit-tests. The average chump, when faced with a difficult question, tries to weasel out in a way that no woman can be offended by the answer.

And if you take the average chump's stance (avoiding the question), you'll probably be ignored.

So, don't be an average chump.

For example, take a look at yesterday's question. The average guy, when asked how patient he'll be, will say, "as long as I need to be."

But, you're different. You provided an answer. And you set a stand.

Now, if she's going to meet you, she needs to meet your standard.

Now, she needs to meet your shit test.

More profile-building advice tomorrow.

P.S. Yes, if a woman really asks for something inappropriate, you have a right to say "no", or use any other pickup artist deflection technique. But this rarely happens. Most women are too lazy to send anything different than the standard questions. Which, again, is a way to prove that you have higher standards than her. More about that later.

DON'T ask this question!

After people become successful at initiating communication, a common "stumbling block" is what some people have called, "communication hell", "e-mail pen-pals", "communication marathon", and so forth. Essentially, it seems like the woman wants to exchange email... and exchange email... and exchange email... and you may get to learn a little bit more about each other, but it never progresses to meeting.

People ask me, "Why do women do this?"

My shortest answer? "Because you keep telling them that it's OK."

Here's one of the earliest things that you can do to make sure that a woman knows that you'll be infinitely patient.

In the first set of questions, do you see "How important is 'chemistry' to you?"

NEVER ask that question. Never EVER.

Essentially, you're asking her, "If there's no chemistry, will you still keep working with me, hoping and praying that someday cupid's arrow will randomly come by?"

And, after asking this question, she can't respect your ability to express your expectations. Because you've already committed yourself to hanging around until the "spark" hits.

Sorry to break the news to you - but it almost never hits in such passive relationships.

Sadly... when I ran my recon profile (you did read my welcome package, right?), this was the most common question that was asked.

You may ask, "What if I get this question?"

My experience is that this question will be asked. A lot. My response has always been to say that if chemistry doesn't evolve quickly, it's a sign that something's wrong.

I've never had anyone object to that. And they know what I expect.

Why the average guy has trouble getting a phone number

Once you're starting to get people to respond to your profile, most people start having problems moving past the communication phases.

In general, most guys don't put a lot of effort into structured communication. They pick canned questions, and answer questions tersely.

But, when the first open message comes up, they start showering the woman with compliments, talking (in vague terms) about how much they have in common... in extreme cases, giving twelve zillion phone numbers with the instruction to please call soon.

I wasn't as bad as that. But I was close. Then I had an experience that opened my eyes.

My first eHarmony date was underwhelming. I could see why a computer would see us as compatible... but I wasn't feeling much chemistry. And I suspected that she didn't either. But, wanting to give her a fair shake, I called for a second date. She insisted on paying. And chose a very fancy night out.

I wasn't feeling flattered. I was feeling uncomfortable. And as I discovered some "deal-breakers", started to feel guilty.

So, what lesson did I learn? Throwing yourself at someone, spending a lot of money, and throwing unearned compliments can make people uncomfortable. And an uncomfortable woman is unlikely to give you her phone number.

So, first?

Don't just throw yourself at her. Be real. Until you've met her, she's just a profile. You don't know if she was honest when she filled out her profile. You don't know if her pictures are real. There may be enough there for some interest... but that's it. She hasn't earned your affection yet.

Next?

Don't make it so easy. Don't be insulting or critical, but use your opportunities to ask her some good, hard questions.

You want to show her that you're not the average guy. That you're not ready to rearrange your social schedule for some vague computer match.

And, yes, you PUAs out there, this is when you make sure that she qualifies to meet you.

After all, once you get your profile going... you'll have plenty to choose from.

Now that you know what the journey is...

What do you need to make that journey?

Is your profile starting to draw people? Are you now struggling with what to do next? If so, where are you seeing the biggest struggles?

Or do I still need to concentrate on the profile?

And, if you're still struggling... email me your profile. (Use the "request a welcome kit" link.) If I think there's something to teach, I'll do more profile critiques. And, when you send me your profile, please describe what kinds of results you're getting from your current profile.

More on Monday... :-)

Yes, it's counterintuitive...

By now, you've probably read some of my advice. Some of you may be trying it out, and having better results.

Some of you are probably hesitant.

A lot of my readers will find my template counterintuitive. It goes against most of the "typical" models our readers follow.

For some, it may seem very odd that a profile in which you casually talk about, but do not sell yourself could work.

Others may think that you talk about yourself too much in my template. Sometimes this is from the fear that some women won't like them. Others, from a belief that you have to be a complete mystery to a woman to obtain an attraction.

It's counterintuitive... so where does this template come from?

It comes from a mental attitude that, in the end of the journey, I hope that all of you can share.

It's based in self-confidence. A self-confident man knows who he is, and isn't afraid to say it. And he knows that a woman who doesn't like who he is... isn't the right woman for him.

It's based in self-value. If you don't make a woman believe that you value yourself, it's hard for a woman to value you. A man with self-value knows that he does not have to change himself, become "everyman", or offer gifts, bribes, or anything else to get a woman interested in him. He knows he's a great catch, and that his attention is reward enough.

When you don't show these things... your profile does not look genuine. It looks like you're trying to say anything, just so you can land any woman. And few women will lower themselves to meet someone like that. (Well, maybe a few women will. But not the good ones.)

It's hard to teach someone to have these qualities. But I can teach how people who have these qualities act when they sit down to write a profile. So... that's where the template comes from.

And the funny thing is... as you start to get responses, you start to become that person. When I, and another person that I tested this "system" on, started to modify our profiles, we found ourselves deluged with more people to communicate with than we could handle.

And, suddenly, we weren't going for just anyone. We couldn't. We were just too busy.

And, suddenly, those matches didn't seem so rare. We could turn people down. In fact, we had to. Sometimes, very arbitrarily.

On dates, we weren't needy anymore. We didn't try to force a relationship that wasn't going to work. We knew that, if the date didn't work out... we had more women lined up.

And that's what this is about. It's about becoming that great guy who doesn't have to sell (or change) himself to get a woman's attention. And it's about you becoming the selector.

How to say who you are

Your next question is, "Other than your appearance, what is the first thing that people notice about you?"

Most people, at this point, launch into a sales pitch. And this can be a mistake.

When women are reading these statements, their "bullshit detector" is turned to high.

They're looking for inconsistencies.

If a guy says that he's intelligent, but can't name a good book... the bullshit detector goes off.

If a guy says that he's cool, but is unable to talk about the "cool" leisure activities he does... there's another alarm.

And if a guy goes into long-winded puffery with a list of ungrounded adjectives... a woman begins to think he's just trying hard to say anything that might please someone.

By reading the other sections of your profile, a woman already has a pretty good first impression of what your personality is like. (And, if she can't... her first impression is going to be that you're a spineless weasel. But if you follow my advice, you won't develop that impression.)

So, your mission, during this question, is to avoid tripping the "bullshit detector".

Your answer to this question should be short. Just say, "People notice that I'm"... and name at most three adjectives. And these adjectives must be congruent with the rest of the profile.

Don't sell yourself. Let the rest of the profile do it for you. Just state that you know who you are.
And, yes, this should be a single-sentence answer. Unlike the average chumps, you don't need a sales pitch. They can already see that you're a desirable guy. And you know that the best products in the world don't need to be sold.