Your special Halloween weblink...

I've talked about this subject before... but this article illustrates my points well.

Happy Halloween, guys!

P.S. More here.

Evolutionarily superior males? Please.

My readers often come to this site looking for eHarmony advice. And after reading what this site has to offer, they become curious about the "seduction community" that I refer to in my postings.

As always, I encourage readers to explore, and discover for themselves what is useful for them.

Not all schools of seduction agree. Many espouse very narrow-minded ideas of what works, and what doesn't.

Some of their points are very valid. They point the things that other people have tried. They report what, in their experience, works - and what doesn't.

But, some get a little too big for their britches.

Not only do they close their minds as to what effective technique is (or isn't), but they construct biological explanations for their beliefs. They talk about how they're taking advantage of mental mechanisms honed from millions of years of evolution, and boiling it down into simple technique.

Powerful stuff. Who can argue with millions of years of evolution?

The trouble is... I don't know of any leaders in the seduction community who are experts in evolutionary biology. And it's easy to say that an observation is the result of a process of millions of years of evolution. You might even be able to come up with a plausible story as to how it evolved.

But actually proving that an observation is a result of an evolutionary process? That's extremely rare. And, in my humble opinion, no one in the seduction community has succeeded in doing more than putting together a cogent "just so" story.

Anyway, if you want to read a real scientific article on the same errors that the "seduction artists" make in their espousal of supposed evolutionary theory, give this a read. It's a classic article.

And it cuts straight to the core of this evolutionary pseudo-science.

Don't get me wrong. The leaders of the seduction community make great observations. You'd be foolish to ignore them.

Just ignore the "biological superiority" crap.

Profile Clinic: It's time to grow a spine!

And, once again, it's time to return to the profile clinic.

Today's profile was submitted by "Stats". When he casually talks on our Google Group, he genuinely sounds like an interesting guy. He's a ministerial student. He's done missions in Sierra Leone. He's well-read, intelligent, and has an interesting, offbeat sense of humor. All intriguing and desirable traits.

Yet, when it comes to his profile... He's not doing well. Most women are closing him, saying that they're pursuing other matches.

An interesting guy... with a bad profile. Sounds like we've got our work cut out for us, yes?

Let's get started. How does his profile start?

1. What are you most passionate about?
I can still get pretty excited about Christmas time. It's a really meaningful time for me, and I like to put a lot of effort into that season. I'll never do anything as gaudy as Clark Griswold, but I understand the feeling. This can be a stressful time of the year, but I think it's worthwhile.

Hmm... I'm already beginning to see some problems coalesce.

Here's a guy who's devoted his life to joining the ministry. Who's spent time in missions work. Who's read philosophical tomes on ethics that I'd probably have to study for months before I could begin to understand them. Clearly, a passionate, driven guy.

But, when it comes to his profile? What is he most passionate about?

He likes Christmas. I don't even really see passion here.

It's too vague. He's playing it safe. And he's looking just like everybody else.

Furthermore, after being vague, he's busy defending himself. Saying he doesn't get too gaudy. Acknowledging that it's stressful for some people.

And sucking out whatever passion that there was in the statement.

This is supposed to be a statement about your passion. The best thing he can do? Tell us, and quit apologizing.

Let's move on.

2. Thankful for:
The Jack Benny Program (nobody can pause like Jack Benny)
That just about anyone can keep me humble if I'm paying attention
Those absurdly long & repetitive speeches my nephew's Karate teacher delivers. Deep down, I'm thankful for those.

The first one? Fantastic. I'd keep it. His personality really comes through on that one. The third one's okay too.

The second one? It's compounding some problems.

The trouble is, he's not giving us a clear, strong view of who he is, and what makes him different from the other profiles. When he adds this... he's adding to the wuss factor.

Don't get me wrong. Compromise is essential in a relationship. But, right now, women need to see his strengths and uniqueness. Not his ability to compromise.

Moving on...

3. Other than parents, person influential:
I think if someone could see my older brothers & I together, they would know how much they've meant to me. And although I'm close to both of them, one of them has a really similar personality to me, and I think we can have more fun together just driving in the car than a lot of people have doing ... um, you know, ... fun things.

Again, there are some good things here. But they're being buried in a mound of apologies and safe vagueness. But this is very salvageable.

If I were Stats, I'd start this paragraph with, "My brother. We have really similar personalities, and we have more fun..." I'd keep the rest of the paragraph. But I'd end with one specific thing that you do in the car.

And now...

4. Four things:
· Rational
· Loyal
· Good Listener
· Thoughtful

5. Life skills:
· Humor to make friends laugh
· Expand knowledge and awareness
· Sharing beliefs through teaching, participation, and example

I'd pick traits that are a little more alpha than "Good listener" and "thoughtful". Otherwise, this seems fine and consistent.

Let's go on...

6. Quality you are looking for in another:
I'd like someone who will be patient with me, who genuinely cares about other people, and who has the strength of character to do what is right.

It's way too early to ask a woman to tolerate your bad habits. I'd just skip straight away to the other traits... caring about people and strength of character.

Next, we have:

7. Other than appearance:
People tell me their first impression of me is of someone contemplative, but not in the sense of a brooding, contemplating young man. At least I hope not. I think it's more in the sense of a guy who wears glasses and considers things.

He needs to make this look more appealing. And he needs to look a lot less apologetic.

I don't know if this is an appropriate "spin" for Stats, but here's a more positive way to bring out these qualities... how about something like, "People see me as the guy you can count on to be calm and rational during the times when other people are losing their heads." There. Same characteristics, but this spin (or something similar) can make him look confident, self-centered, and strong.

Next, we have:

8. People don't know:
Everyone knows I'm a fan of Immanuel Kant, but not everyone knows that there's more to it than just the fun of great ideas. Nor is it just the pleasure of being in the light of his genius. That's all true, but the real reason I love this stuff is that I find something really life-giving in it. He didn't just give us some stolid, overly systematic philosophy in page-long sentences (which he did apologize for); he drew a better picture of the human heart than most poets. I believe that.

There's a great emotional core here - that, behind Stats' calm, rational "front", there's a guy who sees it as a way of understanding the human heart. Unfortunately, it's still coming off a little cold, in my opinion.

Here's my first shot at editing this: "Because of my calm nature, sometimes people think I don't understand people's emotions. Nothing could be further from the truth. In my opinion, it takes a bit of calm to truly understand people. I think Immanual Kant pointed the way - that behind his stolid, overly systematic philosophy in page-long sentences, he drew a better picture of the human heart than most poets."

But, then again, even that's a pretty long paragraph... But it gives him a start.

Next, we have:

9. Leisure:
In July, I was in Sierra Leone & had plenty of leisure time. Sometimes, my friends & I would use it to find a way to escape the heat. The last Saturday, for instance, we had a pretty interesting time on the beach (granted not as interesting as my friend's proposition from a diamond smuggler, but still).

Since I've been back, I've really enjoyed following the tennis tournaments. It's a great sport because you can see the players as individuals, rather than simply as parts of a team, and it's a great time for the game, too, because of who the players are these days.

I'd move the first paragraph to "things only my friends know". And I'd tell a more specific story. He needs to say at least a little bit about what happened on the beach to generate interest.

Again, the second paragraph is usable, but needs to get more specific. It needs to start a story. Not just tell us that a story is there.

Next, we have...

10. Can't live without:
Chocolate Icebox Dessert on Christmas Day
The smell of old books
A bit of laughter
National Public Radio
Bright colors - just a touch

Good. But I'd get rid of "A bit" (of laughter), and "just a touch". No need to apologize for what you like.

Moving on, we have:

11. Describe the last book:
Get Fuzzy: Loserpalooza. It's collection of comic strips about the crazy antics of Robert Wilco and his two pets, Bucky Katt and Satchel the Dog. Why do I like it?
It's silly.

This is good. It gives us another dimension of his personality. I'd definitely keep it.

Next, we have:

12. Only friends know:
Two things:
1. I am quite loyal. One of my friends told me that this could be irritating, sometimes. He also told me it's the reason we're still friends.

2. The other thing is that I have a man crush on a Cambridge educated Zimbabwean theologian, whom I know personally. If you met him, you'd understand.

These two things are not wholly unrelated.

Ugh. Neither of these are appealing, in any way, shape or form.

Good thing we have the Sierra Leone story. Because these? They're seriously bad.

On a heterosexual dating site... it's best to look like a strong heterosexual man.

Okay, time to stop dwelling on this... Let's wrap it up with:

13. Additional Information:
If your interested in more, let's go through the guided communication. I'm happy to share.

Ugh.

Stats is an interesting guy. He needs to close with confidence. He shouldn't ask if they're interested. He should assume that they are, and tell them what the next step IS. And that's all he needs to do.

And, there you go. The elements of a good profile were there. He just needed to be more confident in bringing them out.

Now, he needs to continue that through communication.

I'd like to see how he does.... and I hope he keeps us posted.

"Hot or Not" made (less) simple

In previous articles, I mentioned the use of the website hotornot.com, in order to get a rough idea of how your eHarmony photos look.

It's not a great measure. Most of the people who will be rating you will be men (those who really wanted to see women, and homosexuals), and they aren't your target audience. Also, the site seems to reward the skanky. Let's just say that photos with your shirt off will do well on Hot or Not, but, even if you're in great physical shape, showing your bare, chiseled chest will probably hurt your results on eHarmony.

But, in my experience, if you've got 100 people ranking a photo, and you get a rating of 7 or above, it's not going to hurt your results. But photos below 6 will. 6 photos are iffy.

And, so far, I've only got two photos that got in the 8's. So I can't speak from experience about how 9s and 10s do.

And that was my advice on how to use Hot or Not. Pretty simple. (Especially considering, if you read my original article... there are better methods to use.)

Some people, however, need a more complex explanation. For example, how a photo can be rated a 7, when very few people rated it above a 6. These people ask, "How the heck does that work?"

Well, if you dig into their website a little bit, they explain.

The Hot or Not scale, theoretically, should represent a bell curve, with it's peak at 5, and "tails" at 1 and 10.

Unfortunately, most people don't actually rank that way. Some are "easy". Some are "hard".

For example, when I make my rankings, I almost never give anyone a 1, 2, or 10.

So, they have to compensate for that. And their computer calculates that a 9 (from me) is probably someone else's 10.

And, according their FAQs, the final ranking represents an average calibrated score.

Furthermore, some adjustment DOES seem necessary.

For example, let's suppose a supermodel puts up one of her best photos. And she's what most men would consider a legitimate 10.

Just by human nature, not everyone's going to rate her a 10. Some jealous women will rate her a 1. Some chubby-chasers might think she's too skinny, and rate her a 5. Some picky folks might say, "Nice photo, but I'm not sure she's THAT hot", and rate her a 8. Or only like blondes. Or don't like that particular dress. You get the idea.

And, if that keep up... no one earns a 10. In fact, I doubt that 9's would be possible.

So, that's why the scores seem strange. But, if you get 100 rankings, they're usually repeatable within less than one point.

And the data can still be useful. Just follow the guidelines, and don't overthink it.

Technical difficulties...

My computer isn't working... New article tomorrow. (This message brought to you by cell phone.)

A word to the obsessive-compulsive...

On October 24th-25th, I'll be in meetings during my usual blog-writing time.

I will continue to post daily, but the posts will probably be late.

Please... don't send hate mail.

On recieving compliments

In the beginning of a relationship, you're still a little bit of a mystery. And if she's starting to show interest... she's also interested in learning more about you.

And, of course, she's going to discover some nice things about you.

She'll want to compliment you. In part, to gain your favor, but, also, to see if her impressions are correct.

Accepting compliments can be hard for a lot of people. Some of us are taught to be humble. We reflexively say, "Oh, it's no big deal." Or, "Oh, not really." Something that dismisses the compliment.

But, if a woman gives you an accurate compliment, and you make one of these dodges... you're doing a lot of things that can hurt the impression that you're making.

Her head starts to spin. She starts thinking about things like, "I thought I saw something good, but he says he's not... Oh. Too bad."

Or, "Was he just trying to look like that to impress me?"

Or, "Why is he so ashamed of it? Where's his pride?"

None of these are good.

So, sure, if she makes a guess about you that's wrong, go ahead and correct her.

But, when she's right, she's trying to verify it. And she'll feel good that she's starting to unravel your mysteries. And it's information that she's earned... so she'll feel closer to you.

So, don't disappoint. Accept compliments graciously. And, if you feel like it, compliment her on her perceptiveness. Or her good taste. Or tease her a little bit after you accept the compliment.

Oh, and if she's into you... she'll repeat her compliment a few times. Or dwell on the subject for awhile.

During those times... she's bonding with you.

Do yourself a favor. Let her do it.

On giving compliments

I know. I've drilled the "bribe" concept in your head. And, yes, you can take this concept too far.

One tricky application of the bribe principle? Giving compliments.

They can be tricky. Too much superficial flattery puts you in a bribe zone... but too little, and you're in sour grapes territory.

So, what are some guidelines?

Don't put her on a pedestal
Don't go too far, too soon. On the first date (or before), it's way too early to write epic love poetry, make mix tapes, or show adoration. Gestures like these are reserved for people who have had a long history together. When you're really in love (or at least in infatuation) with her, and she's in love with you.

Before that time? It's showing that you have absolutely no standards. That you'll fall in love with anyone who shows some interest. Even if you don't know the other person yet.

It's bad. Very very bad. Don't do it.

Give compliments... when they're earned.
When you're meeting, it is okay to sprinkle a few compliments - when you see something specific that you like.

But be specific.

"Wow! You look great!" isn't specific. It sounds like something you'd say to anyone as an ingratiation. If she's a 6 or below, it may provide reassurance (more about that later), but to a 7 or above, she's thinking, "Great. Another guy who's giving me too much credit for my looks."

On the other hand, when you say, "That's an interesting colored purse - I like it", it shows a little more. It shows that you're paying attention. You're being specific. You're not giving away all of your power. You're just saying that you thought it was interesting.

If she brings up a topic that's interesting... it's perfectly okay to say so.

Remember - if you give a complement, it must be both genuine and earned.

And if she accepts, say, "You're welcome". Don't linger on the subject.

Reassuring compliments
Every once in awhile, a woman will fish for a complement.

It means she's a little insecure. And refusing to comment on the subject will probably make her uncomfortable in advancing further.

Simple things like, "So... do I look okay?"

Just be honest, brief, and reassuring. Enough to let her know that she's okay, and you're ready for a different subject.

Don't dwell on the subject. Heck, if you feel like it, you can tease her a little bit after providing that reassurance.

Keep things in proportion
The generousness of your compliments needs to match where you are in your budding relationship.

If you're still online, you should show wariness when giving compliments. You haven't really met her. You don't know if she's really as good as she advertises. Therefore, compliments in the vein of "You seem...", or "Hey, if you're really...." should be about the furthest you should go.

On the first few dates, isolated things that interest or intrigue you are fine.

Again, grander compliments should be reserved for people you know well.

Quirky Girl Says:

The worst thing you can do is to lay it on thick at the beginning of a relationship. Women see straight through false flattery. When I get effusive compliments from a guy I've only just met in person or emails telling me how wonderful I am from guys I've had little interaction with, it comes across as very insincere, shallow, and sometimes even calculating. I always think to myself, "You don't know me. How can you possibly think that? Do you say this to all the women you date?" Women want you to take the time to get to know and appreciate them. They want to feel special, not like you're methodically going through a list of compliments that have worked before on other women.

Compliments that work on me are usually geared toward some specific achievement. For example, I recently had someone say to me on a date, "I saw that you are a black belt and was impressed. What style of martial arts do you train in?" This compliment worked on me because it was very specific, seemed genuine, and gave me the opportunity to talk about something I care about. Compliments on appearance are nice to hear as well as long as they aren't too aggressive or crude and as long as you don't gush. For example, saying something like "Blue looks nice on you" shows that you think the woman looks good without being crass or over-the-top.

Above all, only say what you mean. If you try to fake it, a smart woman will know.

From the Labs: Past lab entries, revisited.

Experimentation is an ongoing thing. And, in my "from the labs" entries, I report on promising, but unverified techniques to give people an edge on eHarmony.

Some of those techniques become a part of our community lore.

Others... just don't withstand the test of time.

And I think it's time to revisit some of these lab entries.

Will editing your profile provide more matches?
In my blog's earliest days, one reader observed that, after editing his profile (in minor ways), and requesting matches... he'd get more.

Unfortunately, I think he just got lucky. Repeated requests will often result in recieving more matches. But neither I (nor anyone else) has been able to verify that editing your profile will provide you with more matches.

I count this finding "dead".

What about the eHarmony Blog script?
The eHarmony blog script is an automated script designed to request new matches every 10 minutes. Presumably, by making repeated requests, you'll get more matches.

In the beginning, this seemed to work. Soon after running it, people usually got more matches.

The long-term effects, however, have been called into question in our google group.

Based on my experience in alternating use of the script, it does not seem to actually generate new matches. However, when a match is made, it will appear on your list sooner, rather than later.

It still provides some time advantage, and that can be helpful. It's better to be eighth guy that a woman is being introduced to, rather than the twenty-eighth. But I've been unable to prove that it produces more matches than you'd get if you logged in three times daily and requested matches.

On the Thursday Night Purge
At one time, I noticed that I, predictably, got new matches on Fridays, and very few from Monday-Thursday.

Unfortunately, it seems like I'm the only person who noticed this.

And, in the last few months... that pattern has seemed to stop.

This technique is dead, Jim.

... More updates as they happen, folks! Enjoy your weekend!

From the Labs: A "fast track" project update.

My fast-track experiment will need to go on a break for a little while.

Why? Well, I've made some major changes in my look. I shaved what was left of my hair, and grew a goatee. I think it's a great change (and a lot of people agree, including the 9 that I consult with on these things), but it's going to create a different set of eHarmony results. So, I need to go back and see what my guided communication statistics look like after making these changes.

How does the data look right now?

Well, again, I've had no matches who've ever stated that they prefer fast-track communication.

When I went with guided communication, 22 percent went to open communication. (Keep in mind, there are a lot of people who don't open for valid reasons - dead profiles, profiles who were out of my age range, profiles who lived too far away for me to consider, etc.)

In fast-track communication, that percentage dropped to 11 percent.

Unfortunately, I haven't gathered enough data to say whether that's a real difference - but the trend is pretty clear.

So, what are my interim recommendations?

Fast-track isn't totally unusable. Some women will respond. But you will probably have fewer responses. It is a faster way to get a woman through the system.

Furthermore, I can imagine that some readers may like to use fast-track as a screen. Some men might prefer the personality of a woman who would be responsive to a fast-track request. So, this might be a decent "screening device" for some.

The bottom line? If the fast-track appeals to you, go ahead and use it. It isn't the "kiss of death" that it used to be. But you need to know that you will probably have fewer women responding to your communication requests.

Anxiety - It's normal.

In our culture, it seems like people believe that anxiety needs to be eliminated. That it's a sign of weakness. Or a character defect. Or even a sign of illness.

Well, if that's true... then everyone is weak, defective and sick. Because everyone has anxiety.

And the anxiety that people feel when they're not sure how someone else will respond to their overtures? Everyone feels it. Men and women.

Heck, a look at any "single guy"/"single girl" blog will reveal tons of it. (And, thanks again to our Blog Network members for putting yourselves out there! It's good to see people taking down their shields and letting us know just how normal this anxiety is.)

The good news? There's one sure way to improve anxiety.

The bad news? It's by doing the things that make you anxious. Over and over again.

And, over time, the anxiety will improve. It doesn't go away - even the self-proclaimed "world's greatest pickup artists" still feel anxious when they approach women that they don't know. They're just used to having those feelings.

Here are a few more things that will help:

• If something's overwhelming... see if you can start smaller. I gave a good example yesterday - people who fear conversational lulls might do better if they start with neighbors than with women.
• Find people who have successfully faced their fears, and get advice. The seduction community is full of ideas for managing for every step of that anxiety-ridden mating dance we do.
• Don't obsess about being anxious. Even if she sees your anxiety, she'll respect your courage. She knows you're being genuine. And she might consider the nervousness flattering.
• Finally, be reassured - if you look too confident, you're going to get a lot of shit-testing. Let's just say that, when I show confidence in going for the kiss on the first date, I almost always get asked if I "do this with everyone I meet".

So... go ahead. Feel the anxiety. And enjoy the dating thrill-ride.

How do you overcome conversational anxiety? Practice.

When it comes down to the first date, one of the more realistic fears that people have is in holding a conversation. (Establishing touch is also a big fear, but we've covered that in the past.)

In my experience, fear of awkward conversation is the end result of a different type of "failure spiral". The spiral goes something like this:

You become anxious about starting a conversation.
You avoid having the conversation.
You don't practice, because you're anxious.
You become more anxious.
You avoid more conversations.
You become even less practiced.

And so on.

Believe me, I've been in that spiral. And the first step in overcoming conversational shyness is to start reversing that spiral.

The key? Get more practice.

Make it a goal to talk to more strangers.

Don't even try to think of these as "approaches". Talk to men and women. In fact, in the beginning, it's probably better if you don't practice on people that you're attracted to.

I think you'll be surprised at how many strangers will actually want to engage you in conversation. I know that I was.

Just ask questions. About what they're carrying. Or where they're going. Whether they live or work nearby.

And learn to get the conversation flowing.

Because, when you're back in the habit of having conversations with strangers, it becomes much easier to have conversations on your dates.

Introverted? Or anxious?

A lot of the people who come to this site for inspiration are introverts.

That makes a lot of sense. eHarmony is attractive to introverts. And some introverts see themselves as being "abnormal", or socially awkward.

The funny thing is... introverts don't have to be anxious, or socially awkward.

As one of my old psychology teachers said, the difference between an introvert and an extrovert isn't one of social capability or competence. The difference is how you draw your energy.

Extroverts draw their energy from how other people see and react to them. They're the ones who feel great when the audience applauds, or when they're recognized for their work. They feel energized when they're at parties, socializing with others. It's where they get the most satisfaction.

Introverts draw their energy from themselves, and their own thought processes. Many great actors are actually introverts. They don't live for the limelight. They live for the process. They love to explore their role, and take satisfaction in the successful building of their inner world. Introverts can be very socially competent, but, at the end of a party, they feel drained - not energized. Because introverts draw satisfaction by meeting their internal challenges.

So, you may have been labelled an introvert, or an extrovert. The label is fine. It can help you understand where your energy comes from.

But... being an introvert does not doom you to a life of social inadequacy or anxiety.

And social anxiety is a universal problem. Both for introverts and extroverts.

We'll talk more about managing your anxiety tomorrow.

"We are the only way. You must be assimilated." Right.

Finally, there's another class of "advice" that you need to take with a serious grain of salt.

Every once in awhile, you get someone who's a little too big for their britches. Guys that say you must follow their advice. Because it's the only way to be successful with women.

Even eHarmony took a stab at those scare tactics for a number of years. (They're a little better now, thankfully.)

But, in the seduction community, these claims are also very common.

They're also patently ridiculous.

I mean, really. These people have published their advice for how long?

And how long has mankind managed to continue it's existence?

And people managed to get laid before these anointed ones started giving their advice?

And, somehow, people still manage to hook up without discovering that the advice authors exist?

Oh.

I guess some people really need an attitude adjustment.

So, don't buy into the hype. Use their ideas. Experiment. Find what works for you.

But don't let anyone convince you that they have the only way to be successful with women.

"Follow the script, get the girl"?

Another common type of dating advice is what I call the "script".

Basically, these approaches assume that they're starting you from square one. They tell you, specifically, what to write in your profile. They tell you exactly where you should go on your first date. They give you scripts for conversations.

In short, the author is describing a rigid pattern of behavior that has worked for him.

And it's probably a pattern that works for the author. Because this "pattern" does a good job of demonstrating positive aspects of the authors personality.

But you're not the author. And, by rigidly following his pattern, the best result is that you look like him. And the worst result is that you look phony and insincere.

Don't get me wrong. These resources are NOT useless. Some of them have some decent ideas. And some of those ideas may integrate well into your personality.

But, in the end, the purpose is to demonstrate the best aspects of your own personality. Not the personality of some system's author.

About the "etiquette-based" advice...

Yes, folks, I'm sure that I'm not the only one out there giving advice on online services and dating.

And I definitely encourage you to read more. Lord knows, I'm not the only source of ideas. I may (shudder) even be wrong once in awhile.

But there are some types of advice that are just plain bad. And, over the next few days, I thought I'd spend a little time talking about "advice" that's best avoided or heavily modified.

Let's start with what I consider the most common type of advice. What I call "etiquette-driven" advice.

It's probably the most common type of advice in the media. Coming from "standard" advice columns and dating books.

They come from a standpoint of, "This is how people should behave on a date."

Some people might need this advice. If you're having dates reject you because you're being rude or disrespectful... start with that advice. It will give you some guidelines on what you need to do to keep yourself from becoming offensive and disrespectful towards women.

But, in my experience, that isn't the advice that most people need. Most people know how to behave politely.

And, although polite behavior will keep you from being offensive, it does little to build attraction. Don't forget about it entirely - you can't be rude, and some gestures (such as opening doors, sitting on the correct side of the table, and walking on the traffic-side of the curb) can make you look classy. (At least, for the women who notice these gestures.) But, too much "polite" behavior (for example, the observation that planning the next date at the end of the first date can be considered polite) serves to reduce the tension that leads to a sense of attraction.

So, if your problem is attraction... skip the etiquette lessons for now.

Search term madness!

Since many of the posters in our blog network have been having a few laughs about the stupid search terms that brought people into their site... I thought I might join in the fun.

So, to satisfy our more interesting google searchers, here's a list of some of your questions, and my answers.

eHarmony doesn't tell me she's married!
Wow. People actually lie on eHarmony. I would have never guessed.

What are women looking for on eHarmony?
For one, a man who wouldn't try to resolve his insecurities with a google search.

What are the right answers to the eHarmony questions?
In Phase 1? A, B, C and D.

Google say I find musterbation pictures here. Where are they?
Google does not know
how to translate your engrish.
Sorry, no porn here.

If I had a bad day, what is the first thing you'd do for me?
Tell you to grow a spine?

Make her chase you?
Tell me about her. If she's lucky, I might let her catch me.

eHarmony matched me with my ex-boyfriend!
Well, that settles it. You need to go back to him, or you'll be doomed to a life of loneliness and desperation. Unless you've actually developed the capacity for independent thought... then never mind.

On eHarmony, should women start communicating?
No. Only the ones that want to meet guys. The ones who don't can save themselves some trouble and email me their credit card numbers...

The Don PUA
Not really a question. But I'll bet that he'll give you an opener that you can't refuse...

Is anyone too ugly for eHarmony?
Have you SEEN the commercials?

How do you feel about premarital sex?
Why, are you offering it?

Why don't people respond on eHarmony?
Sorry, they do respond. Just not to you.

Does a relationship with no chemistry work?
Only if the two of you want to lead sad, pathetic lives...

How do you beat a pickup artist?
Depends what you mean. You could say "no." Or you could use any blunt object.

Does anyone send a final message on eHarmony?
Yes. And, with your generous contribution, we'll set up a habitat for these rare and unusual creatures. Just email me your credit card number, and the amount you'd like to donate.


Another edition of the "Search engine mailbag" coming soon. Or, maybe not.

When the relationship is over...

Well, it's time for that article you've been asking for. The secrets of breaking up a relationship painlessly, and remaining great friends.

Tell you what. If you figure out how to do it, let me know. Because I'd like to learn.

All kidding aside, ending a relationship is a painful, soul-tearing experience. In fact, neuroscientists have demonstrated physiological changes that may bely the crushing, emotional experience that the break-up is.

So, it's hard. And that can't be avoided.

So, when it's time, treat her with respect. If you can, do it in person, in a place where she won't feel like you're publicly humiliating her. (In the extremely rare situation where you feel like she may threaten or harm you for breaking up with her, do it by letter, and get a restraining order.) Keep it brief, certain, and to the point. Don't argue. Just tell her what can't be worked out, that you're not negotiating, and let her know it's over. And leave her to her grief.

"Rational" things like picking up items, being friends, and so forth, can't be handled effectively while the shock of the breakup is in play. If you've got items to return, wait at least a day before talking about it. Sooner, only if she insists.

As far as being friends after the breakup? Don't talk about it during the breakup. She needs to recover from her grief, and you need to recover from yours first. This will take weeks, perhaps months. Not days.

After the time has passed, and you've really decided that you'd like to remain friends, go ahead and invite her to some things that you're doing with other people. And make it very clear that it's not a date, you're not interested in dating... but you thought that she might like joining the group for what you had planned.

If she accepts the invitations... there's a chance. If not, let it be.

But be careful. If you broke up with her, and she still wants you back, it can be an awkward relationship.

Like they always say, "Be careful what you ask for."

Maryann Says:

Fortunately I have very current experience with breaking up an intense relationship. So, here is my advice for the one who does the breaking:

1. Give hints that you are conflicted about the relationship for a day or two first. That could be dialing back on attention, affection, or it could be a conversation or email that expresses you “just aren’t sure.”
2. Do be clear, truthful, and kind. You can’t stop at “I’m just not sure.” You actually have to say something like, “as much as I have enjoyed getting to know you…” Actually get to the point!
   
3. If you want to be friends, say so. If you don’t, don’t pretend. Assume the person you are breaking up with is a whole, competent human being who doesn’t need false validation. Take an “I’m okay, you’re okay” position, not an “it’s not you, it’s me” approach. The latter is insulting.
4. Affirm what was good about the relationship and the person, briefly!
5. Don’t go silent. That is cowardly and cruel.
6. Don’t just close in eH and call that good, unless you are only at phone call stage or had one meeting that clearly didn’t go well. If you have had a decent date, be a decent person and thank him/her for a good time and wish her/him well.
7. Use the primary vehicle of communication in the relationship. If you see each other every day, then texting a break-up is not cool. But if you mostly communicate by email, then it is a fine way to end it, as well.

If you are the one broken up with:

1. Act like the mature person you wish you were.
2. Let him/her off the hook a little, with “I saw this coming.”
3. Be clear about whether it is okay for the person to contact you later if things should change. Again, do you want to be friends, or not? End it with class.
4. Always keep your sense of self worth by wishing the other well. Don’t do something you’ll regret, like begging or insulting or pouting.

The friend conversion

So... you've been on your eHarmony date.

The good news? She's into you.

The bad news? You're not so sure. She's a likable woman, who might be a decent friend... but she's not "girlfriend" material.

It happens pretty often. There can be a lot of reasons. Maybe the chemistry isn't there for you. Maybe she has problems that make you uncomfortable with a potential relationship. Or maybe you've established, very quickly, that you're looking for different things in a relationship.

For whatever reason... you've decided that you want this woman in the "Friend zone".

It's tricky. And I'll admit, it's still a sticking point for me. But I can share what's worked best for me so far.

First of all, if you're caught in a situation where you've gone on a few dates, but you haven't done anything that either of you would consider physically intimate... probably the best thing to do is leave it alone. Trust me, you're already in the friend zone, and it's unlikely to advance to anything different.

But if you've only had one or two dates... the lines are less clear. Things might be tense, and, often, tension can mean attraction. And, yes, attraction can lead to bruised egos when you say, "Let's be friends".

Like I said, tricky business. And, in the end, I only shoot around 50 percent. But, here are some principles to work with.

Going back to "Mystery Model" principles, providing comfort (in other words, talking about yourself, letting her know the "real you", and expecting the same back) in the absence of attraction, romantic tension, and physical escalation leads to the "friend zone". Which, in this case, is what you want.

So... put it into practice. When you realize that you want her in the friend zone, stop the physical escalation. Stop playing hard to get. If you've been touching her, find a way to quickly remark that you're a friendly guy, and people often take your touching the wrong way. And, if it's possible, without being rude, back away on kino escalation.

And start talking about yourself. Get to know her as a friend.

You'll have the basic ingredients set.

Finally, I like to lower the hammer over email, just because it's less confrontational. A little distance is a good thing, if you're letting her down. It gives her a better chance to recover gracefully than if you try to do it by phone or in person.

Send the letter the morning after the date. Just say that you had a nice time, and you enjoyed meeting her.

If you feel like she can easily accept the reason why you're not interested in pursuing her, go ahead and say it. For example, when you know that you're looking for different things out of relationships, giving that reason is something that women usually accept well. General "lack of chemistry" is something that women don't accept as well, and it would be kinder of you not to mention it as a factor.

Finally, say that, you don't think a relationship is really in the cards... but you'd like to stay friends.

And from that point on, treat her like a friend. When you're inviting a group of friends to meet, invite her along. (Obviously, hold off on anything that might remotely be considered a date for a good long time.) If she accepts, tell her to invite friends, if she wants.

And, if she doesn't accept your invitations after a few tries... move her to the card list, and see what happens from there.

Obviously, this can only work if you aren't already intimate.

But, what if you are?

I'll get into that in the next article.

Why do you want female friends?

Well, looks like there's a call on the Google Group for some articles on breaking up.

That's a pretty broad subject... it's going to take a few articles. And I'm far from perfect at the art myself. But, maybe I'm ahead of some of you. And maybe some of you are ahead of me, and you can educate us all in our Google group.

In a few cases, I'm going to talk about how you can maximize your odds of keeping the woman around as a friend.

But, why do you want women who are "just friends"?

Let me give you a few good reasons why female friends can be a very good thing.

• Most women genuinely appreciate honest opinions from men who aren't trying to hit on them. They're rare. And they usually return the favor.
• Speaking of which... I'm going to repeat something I've said before. If you want great advice on improving your appearance, go shopping with an attractive woman. They are brutal. But they're usually right.
• They provide proof that you don't see women only as sexual objects.
• They show a woman that you're the kind of guy who has options - and that she needs to compete for your attention.
• They provide proof that your affections are earned. And that most people don't make the cut.
• They provide proof that you're a friendly, social guy, who doesn't approach every woman with an agenda.
• You can introduce her to your friends. And your friends will know that you are desirable to a lot of women. And word will get around. So... you're raising your value.
  
• She can introduce you to her friends. Some of them might be dateable. And most of them would rather date a "friend of a friend" than a stranger.
• Some of her friends will become your friends. Who will be introduced to your friends, and will introduce you to their friends... and so on. There's just no downside here.
  
• They'll be your friend. Female friends are good for most of the same reasons that men are.

In short? Most pickup artists use variants of the line, "Beauty is common... tell me what makes you special". If you've got female friends, that's not a line. It's your reality. And that is a powerful thing.

The eHarmony Blog is back...

Guess what just reappeared in my RSS reader? It looks like the (completely unofficial) eHarmony Blog is back.

For those who didn't know about it before - it's a pretty good site. We complement each other well. In eHarmony Blogland, they're the Weekly World News. (This site? It's the mutant lovechild of Dear Abby and the Colbert Report.)

Anyway... check them out!

Time to abuse some eHarmony statistics...

Recently, I've discovered a pretty nifty website - Quantcast.com. Apparently, these guys, somehow, manage to combine web traffic statistics with demographic data. Unfortunately, I don't know much about the accuracy of their results, but it does give us another way to look at eHarmony.

Now, don't get the wrong idea. I don't think you should customize your profile to the statistical data. You need to customize your profile to say who you are, and what you're looking for. And you shouldn't be looking for the average eHarmony customer.

But, sometimes, statistics can be handy. So... here we go.

• Yes, they verified the fact that the site attracts women better than it attracts men. Good for us guys.
• Less than 10% log in daily. Proving that you need to be patient with your matches...
  
• It attracts a higher percentage of people from the ages 25-54 than from other demographics. (Yawn.)
• It attracts a higher percentage of people who are college or graduate-school educated than the "average" website.
• Unfortunately, higher education doesn't necessarily mean high income. eHarmony attracts a lower than average number users making above $60,000/year, and a higher than average number of those making less. Sorry, gold-diggers. Stick to millionairematch.com.
• Surprise, surprise. Despite some attempts to show multiracial couples in its commercials, it attracts more Caucasians than the average website, and fewer African-Americans. And the news gets even worse for Hispanics (who are more than 25% less likely to visit this site than the average website), and Asians (who are more than 50% less likely to visit this site than the average site.)

And, if that abuse of statistics isn't enough... combining Quantcast data with Alexa.com data reveals:

• eHarmony folks really like movies. Over 1% have visited universalpictures.com (6.2 times average), followed by filmcritic.com (3.1 times average), movies.com (3.5 times average), and paramount.com (3.4 times average).
• The television data surprised me. Although people on eHarmony do visit chick-friendly sites like wnetwork.com and hallmarkchannel.com more than most people... we're still talking about less than half of 1% of eHarmony visitors. However, FX's website does very well (1.4% of eHarmony visitors have been there). And ESPN's extreme sports site pulls in eHarmony viewers at 3.6 times average.
  
• Good news? More eHarmony viewers visit victoriasecret.com (.01%) than fashionbug.com (.007%). Bad news? They're both trounced by Discount Shoe Warehouse's site. (.03%)

Okay, just a couple more statistics to abuse, folks...

I also had a look at advice.eharmony.com. Hey, they've got a lot going for them. They're a multimillion dollar venture-capital funded company. They've got a team of professional web architects, writers, and PhD trained psychologists. And, according to Quantcast, they've got a lot of linkage from the web's 518th most popular site. (For the less-intelligent folks out there... that's eHarmony.)

The ranking of advice.eharmony.com? They're number 2,018,984. I guess that's not bad, considering that they rank 20,267,977 sites.

But, this site, with no money, a totally unprofessional writing staff of two and a half, and a web experience designed to scare away all but the most dedicated... ranks at 1,098,055.

Hey, venture capitalists! Wanna send some of their money to me?

A man of accomplishment? It don't mean jack!

On an (otherwise unexceptional) eHarmony date a few weeks ago, I'd thrown out one of my usual conversation topics - our eHarmony experiences. Due to a bit of luck, use of the fast-track, and the eHarmony blog script, I was the first guy she actually met since rejoining the service. However, she did mention one thing that made me think.

Her comment? "I'm sure getting matched to a lot of doctors and lawyers."

Of course. It should have been obvious. After all, she had a Master's degree, and eHarmony seems to give a lot of weight to educational status in it's matching algorithm.

I just never thought of what it was like from a woman's perspective.

But, for some men (fortunately, not me), this fact can change your strategy.

Outside of eHarmony, being a "man of accomplishment" is still a pretty weak way to impress a woman. Because, the way most guys use it, it's a bribe.

But in eHarmony, it doesn't even serve as a signal of high value. Because, if women are getting lots of people with advanced degrees and high-powered careers because of their own educational status... you're not going to separate from the pack that way. In fact, you're probably competing with people who are more accomplished than you are. And that makes your "bragging" look downright pathetic.

Again, it comes down to core principles.

Men of accomplishment are common on eHarmony.

Confident, fearless, and intriguing men... they're rare.

Quirky Girl Says:
Scott hit the nail on the head. My experience is much like his date's experience. I have a Master's degree and am in a healthy income bracket thanks to my career. Who do I get matched up with? C-level execs, doctors, lawyers, business owners, and apparently all the single men at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory. (Not that I mind, of course.)

But I confess that this fortuitous matching has caused me to revert to a selection process influenced greatly by early-childhood techniques--I look at all the pretty pictures while the profile text fades into the background (to a point). You see, I already know what the profile says; I've read it all before. I know that if this rocket scientist doesn't work out, there's an astronomer right behind him who may pique my interest. After a while, they start to look the same.

We're likely "competing" against others with similar accomplishments for the same matches. Who you are on paper is interesting, but it's what's not on paper that really makes you fascinating. A rocket scientist who brags about himself all night bores me, but a rocket scientist who can make me laugh with his witticisms rocks my world. I've been pleasantly surprised by how down-to-earth some of the men I've dated are and turned off by the ones who love themselves a little too much for there to be room for me.

My advice: Be proud of your accomplishments--don't hide them--but don't rely on them to impress your date. Instead, show her how multi-dimensional and captivating you are. Show her what makes you uniquely you--that's how you'll stand apart from your competition.

Hitting on Scott Grey: A simple guide

At times, I sit back and marvel at the strange life this blog has taken.

At first, I thought this would be an easy "dumping ground" for my adaptations of pickup technique, applied to eHarmony. And I didn't think that too many women would be interested in what I had to say.

Well, I think this blog has outgrown its old purpose. It's become a social gathering place for men and women who use eHarmony and want to improve their dating lives.

And, well, since women are reading the blog... a few do decide to hit on me.

Hey, I don't mind. And I don't blame them either.

So, in my continuing efforts to educate, entertain, and let a few women down easy... I'm going to break away from eHarmony for just one column... and give advice on how to hit on me.

For casual meetings:
Hey, I'm a friendly guy. I'm always up for meeting fans of the blog. Men and women. But I'm not willing to travel. (Well, never say never. But it would have to be for something truly worthwhile. Or for a lot of money.) If you live (or you're visiting) the midwest, and you want to get together to chat sometime... go ahead and email me. If our schedules mesh - sure, we can get together and hang out.

And, please. Try not to jump me. At least, not right away. I know, it's hard to resist... but you need to show a little restraint. Okay?

If you want more than a friendly meeting...
If you're looking for more than a casual meeting... Yes, I'm single, I'm available, and I'm willing to meet folks. But I don't get into relationships with just anybody.

First of all, I'm going to eliminate the vast majority of you. If you don't live within reasonable traveling distance from me (again, I live in the midwest)... let's stick to casual meetings. Sorry, no woman is worth the cost, time, and hassle of regular air travel.

Also, as I've mentioned many times on the blog, I only date Jewish women.

So, there. I've eliminated 99% of you already. Sorry, ladies, try to handle the disappointment. And if you're having trouble, google "Oneitis". Trust me, there are plenty of great guys out there.

But, let's suppose that you're one of the 1% that meet these criteria. You've read my blogs, you think you might like me, and you wonder if you still have a chance.

Okay, here are the hurdles you'll have to overcome:

• If you've read my blog, you know a lot about me. Unfortunately, I don't know anything about you yet. Essentially, your job is the same as the job you have to pull on an eHarmony profile - to let me know enough about you to raise my interest level.
• You have to let me know (somehow) that you're Jewish, and live in the midwest.
  
• I try to be friendly to my readers. It's in my nature to try to help folks. Ordinarily, these would be indicators that a guy is interested... but if I'm treating you like I treat any other reader, it's courtesy - not interest.
• I don't hit on women who email me, unless they're leaving signs that they're interested. Again, it's part of being a gracious host. I value my female readers and participants. And hitting on them (when they've left no indication that such an advance would be welcomed) is a sure way to make them uncomfortable.

So, how do you overcome these problems?

I'll leave that up to your feminine wiles.

Have fun!