Phase 2: Building bridges of trust

(Pardon me for not talking about physical escalation in Phase 2 as promised. I realized that there's still ground that needs to be covered...)

If there's a typical interaction that happens in Phase 2 of a relationship, it's what I call "building bridges of trust".

At the end of Phase 1, you're recognizing the potential for a special relationship.

But, how do you determine if a person is trustworthy of that status?

You try them out. And see how they react.

Cautiously.

Usually, the process begins with the gradual sharing of things that you "don't usually tell other people". Starting with things that are less offensive.

She accepts, or she doesn't.

And, hopefully, she'll share as well. And you start to understand, at least, how she describes herself. Which may, or may not reflect who she really is... but at least you'll start to understand the person that she wants to be, and the fears that she expresses.

And it's an opportunity to strengthen the bonds of idealization, mirroring, and twinship.

And, later in the process of Phase 2, you go beyond words.

She'll ask things of you. You say whether you'll do them... or not.

And you'll ask things of her, as well. And she'll agree... or not.

Fair's fair.

But, be patient when you build trust bridges. Because, when you ask too much too fast... she'll start getting scared.

Phases 0 and 1 can be covered in one date, if your game is tight. Phase 2 takes months. And most attempts to speed up phase two will cause her to freak out.

Enjoy the process of getting to know each other. Decide whether she's worthy of your trust. And decide whether you want be the person that she can develop trust with.

And if both of you are a bit unsure, but wanting a little more... you're both in great position to navigate Phase 2 successfully.

Phase 2: "I'm having feelings... but are they safe?"

So, you've navigated phase 1. She's got feelings for you. The chemistry is there.

Well, that doesn't mean it's smooth sailing from here on out.

The fact is, if you're meeting someone on eHarmony, she's an adult. Not a doey-eyed teenager. She's probably been hurt by many of the people she's had chemistry with before. And she's still
going to be nervous.

So, how do you keep her from freaking out?

Do you remember, "twinship"? Because, if you've been in relationships before, you should feel the same way that she does. You feel like there may be some promise... but you've been wrong before as well. And you need time to be sure.

Share the experience of being unsure. You don't want to unburden her all at once with your romantic tales of woe. But she'll be curious about yours. And you'll be curious about hers. It's a process that will unfold slowly.

Let her ask the questions that will reveal what has gone wrong for you in the past. But expect her to do the same in return.

Yes, pickup artists do have techniques for "comfort building". Some of these techniques are appropriate for the "long game". Others aren't. If you try to use techniques, make sure they're congruent with your goals.

And they're only for the earliest stages of Phase 2. You need to build more trust in pursuing a mutual, trusting relationship than in pursuing one that is purely physical.

By this time, you may be wondering: "When do we finally get it on?"

It usually happens during phase 2.

And I'll talk about it tomorrow.

Profile Clinic: Knowing when to stop.

Okay, time to take a break from the "attachment model"... and get back to the profile clinic.

"Wil E. Quixote" writes that, despite frequent editing and reediting of his profile, he continues to do poorly - he's been matched with over 120 people, and has been in open communication with one.

I know the cycle of "reediting". I wrote about it several times. I did a search for my "failure spiral", and I'd recommend that he reread these articles.

The good news? He does have good material in his profile. The problem is - he's trying just a little too hard. My guess is that, if he were to state his positives in a short, confident manner, he'd start doing much better.

So, here's a new starting point, from the vantage point of someone out of the spiral.

My suggestion? Take this, and leave it alone for awhile. If you want to introduce a change, introduce them one at a time, and don't make any further changes until you know the results of the last change you made.

So, let's get crackin'!

When asked about his passion, Wil wrote:

I am interested in many things. I get excited about ideas and concepts. I enjoy discussing ideas or being exposed to new things. I also dig language and stories. The shows and movies I love the best have popping dialogue and dynamic concepts. But the greatest of these is love for my friends and the passion I feel for helping my students.

One characteristic mistake that people make in the "failure spiral", is that, when the question asks for one thing, they lose focus. They don't know what will "sell". And they start listing a lot of things, hoping that something will hit the target.

He needs to be confident, and stop trying to sell. He could just answer with the first two sentences - they're short, concise, real, confident, and consistent with the rest of the profile. (I'd change the "or" to "and", though.) Or, he could rewrite the answer to state "the passion I feel for helping my students". (I'd skip "love for my friends" - far too cliched.)

Pick one. Stick with it. Be confident, and brief.

When asked to describe the most influential person, Wil writes:

I had two extraordinary teachers, Mr. Stewart and Mr. Alcock, who mentored and encouraged me. I have been blessed with a lot of great people in my life, but they are the ones who I model myself after, as a teacher and a man.

I'd dump the second sentence. And I'd hint at one specific thing they mentored or encouraged you to do. One extra sentence, maximum. And, please, don't make it a run-on.

And, now, the checklists:

4 things friends say:
# Affectionate
# Articulate
# Kind
# Funny

life skills
# Using humor to make friends laugh
# Finding pleasure and contentment in simple things
# Being a good friend and companion

I'd keep the life skills. As far as "things friends say", I've noticed that more commanding and "alpha" responses get more responses. Funny and articulate are both "alpha" traits, and I'd keep them. "Kind" and "Affectionate" are less so. I'd consider finding other alpha traits that are consistent with his personality.

Now, when asked what he's looking for, he writes...

I'm hoping to find a chatterbox with a sense of humor and an interest in ideas. I enjoy talking about random things. Philosophy. 80's TV. Crazy animal trivia. A pretty close second is that I gravitate towards people who are affectionate. All the people I've strongly connected to have been verbal and they've been warm.

Good - but he's selling much harder than he needs to. I'd cut everything out of this section but the first sentence. The rest of the profile supports this sentence just fine.

Now, as far as the first thing people notice....

I have a sense of wonder and play about a lot of things. I still notice hawks in the sky and put on foreign accents for my own amusement. I like being silly.

This is pretty good. I'd either keep this, or I'd take "I enjoy talking about random things. Philosophy. 80's TV. Crazy animal trivia." out of the last section, and put it here.

I'll let you pick. But pick only one. Don't try to use both.

As far as traits people don't notice right away, Wil writes:

I'm pretty heavily faceted. People who see one side of me are often surprised by the other sides. If you get The Clown, The Thinker, or The Caretaker, its worth knowing that there are other parts of me.

This is a non-answer. It describes everybody - not just you. And it looks like you're wimping out.

I'd pick one "facet", and write about that. You've already made "The Clown" and "The Thinker" obvious. And I'd avoid "The Caretaker" until she's earned enough credit to earn that role from you. Pick another facet, and write about it. Two sentences maximum. And make them short.

When asked to describe his leisure time, Wil writes:

I read a decent amount. Not as much as I did when I was a kid, but you cant drive to work reading. Or so I'm told by a CERTAIN TRAFFIC COP. I rollerblade some. I love to polish my cooking skills. They are actually reasonably shiny by now. I play boardgames a fair amount. "Apples to Apples" and "Betrayal At The House On The Hill" are favorites. But most of all, I love to share ideas and stories. I'm pretty open to new experiences. Mostly I love hanging out with interesting people.

There's good stuff here, but it's buried under weasel words and weasel phrases. Here's how I'd rewrite it.

"I read a lot. I rollerblade. I like to polish my cooking skills. I play boardgames - 'Apples to Apples' and 'Betrayal At The House On the Hill' are my favorites. But, most of all, I love hanging out with interesting people, sharing ideas and stories."

If you want to throw the joke back in... hold for awhile. After you know how your profile plays without the joke, add it. But, right now, the joke seems to represent the "try harder" attitude that is hurting your efforts. For the sake of example, leave it out for now.

And now, for the last book he read...

I am re-reading Story Of The Stone by Barry Hughart, and I'm really loving it. If you imagine Han Solo and Sherlock Holmes combined, made them chinese, and 100 years old in ancient china, that would be the main character.

I also like Harlan Coben in general. He writes very taut thrillers. One of the things I like about them is that they are a celebration of regular folks and the basic goodness of people. I also read a lot of Terry Pratchett, who is basically what you get if you stick The Kids In The Hall in a blender with traditional fantasy novels. Really. Its freaking hilarious.

The second paragraph? Trying too hard. Get rid of it.

The first paragraph could stand some tightening up, as well. I'd go with, "I'm re-reading 'Story Of The Stone' by Barry Hughart, and I'm really loving it. Combine Han Solo and Sherlock Holmes, make them Chinese, and set them 100 years ago in ancient China. That would describe the main character."

As far as what only his friends know, Wil writes:

My best friends EARNED the right to know these things by doing four tours in Sarasota, braving nearly blind snowbirds in cadillacs, encephalitis, and tropical storms. You have to at least go out on a couple dates with me. 8)

This approach is common, and it's a wimp-out. And the forced humor doesn't help matters. A complete rewrite is in order.

Good news? We've cut a lot of material. We can use one of the scraps here. "I get geeky about animal trivia." "I still get hypnotized by 80's television reruns." "I put on foreign accents for my own amusement." Pick one, and only one. And keep it just as short as I typed.

Finally, Wil ends with this call to action:

Not really. If you havent been watching Pushing Daisies, you should. I just like to plug the show. Its that good. Your other shows are in re-runs. Give it a try.

For now, stick with a standard call to action. If you really want to try plugging "Pushing Daisies" instead, do it as an experiment after you already know what a standard call to action does.

And there you go. Your personality is still there. We certainly haven't buried it. We just stopped overselling it. And it makes you look much more confident.

This profile won't appeal to everyone. But, my guess is, he won't want to meet women who aren't interested in the guy that we've described. It looks like a good start.

Give it a shot. And resist the urge to edit until you know how things are already working, okay?

Good luck. And let us know how you're doing, Wil!

Navigating Phase 1 Attachment

So, you've crossed phase 0 attachment. You're friends, but chemistry still needs to be established.

This is a point where, if you haven't started to establish touch... you need to. In this phase, contact should be friendly and playful, but not particularly intimate. Act like she's a friend that you're starting to flirt with.

Some women are more demonstrative than others. Keep that in mind. The state of physical escalation is a clue to your state of attachment, but only a clue. Some women are very reserved with contact. Some women will kiss you in phase 1. It doesn't change the state of attachment.

But, yes, phase 1 is where you see whether the "chemistry" is in sync. And, if you like my theory, you can even break it down. Is she seeing you as idealizable? For what? Are you seeing her as idealizable? Do you enjoy the mirroring and twinship processes? Is she showing indicators of interest demonstrating that you're seeing the potential, in each other, to meet these basic social needs?

If so, you're special. You're feeling particularly good around each other. The chemistry - it's there.

And you're ready for another phase.

Because, chemistry, alone... is scary for most women.

And I'll continue the "attachment model" in a few days.

From the Labs: Chemistry and Twinship

In the last two columns, we talked about my (rather budding) theory that chemistry often occurs when people provide combinations of being idealizable, and provide mirroring experiences. These are powerful social needs for many people. And people feel good when they're provided - in balance.

There's another social need that Kohut described. He called this "twinship".

Twinship is the experience of being with someone who understands what you're experiencing, and who shares your experience with you.

And, yes, many pickup artist techniques also serve to simulate a twinship experience. Mental magic tricks. Reading body language. Picking up IOI's, and knowing when to reciprocate. NLP mirroring techniques.

But, again, you shouldn't restrict providing twinship to just these techniques. Go ahead. Say things that are just "on the tip of her tongue". When it's appropriate, don't be afraid to say that you're sharing the feelings and emotions that you think she has.

But don't get carried away. You don't want to SAY you understand or share things that you don't. You also deserve to find someone who shares your experiences. Don't cheat yourself in the process of trying to get a "successful seduction". As I will always repeat - the goal of this is your mutual happiness with someone, not certainty of an outcome with a specific person.

But twinship, combined with idealization and mirroring, can stir powerful emotions.

For both of you.

And those emotions? I call 'em chemistry.

At least, until someone finds a better theory.

From the Labs: Mirror, Mirror - a key to chemistry?

Yesterday, we talked about one potential component of chemistry - being idealizable.

But, that's not enough. There are a lot of people who hold up, and stand by standards. But holding up a standard, alone, makes a person look inflexible and immature. And there are other social needs to be met.

Another social need that Kohut described was that of "Mirroring". And it balances the aspects of idealization that may make someone look harsh and impossible to please.

Basically, you can't be harsh all the time.

You have to be observant. Notice what's special about her. And let her know that you appreciate it.

You can't just gush about the obvious. That's placating, and women can smell that from a mile away.

You have to notice things that aren't obvious or common.

And, yes, the pickup artist community has many techniques that simulate the mirroring process. Cold reads. Pet names. Escalating after she qualifies for you. They can be fun, but you're losing out if you don't take opportunities to mirror outside of these structured interactions as well.

Of course, you can take this too far as well. This shouldn't be an act. If you don't like something, don't pretend that you do, just to mirror. And, if you're having trouble mirroring... well, why are you hanging around anyway?

And, yes, if all you do is mirror, you look like a needy suck-up. You need the other aspects as well.

But, when you're successful, she'll appreciate your observations. Maybe bask a little. Or do them more. Or reciprocate with compliments of her own.

They're signs that the mirroring is taking hold. And the chemistry, at least from this aspect, is starting.

And, yes. There's one more potential aspect of chemistry... and it's coming next.

From the labs: What makes someone special?

So, you're having a decent time on the date. There aren't any signs that she's violating your "must haves/can't stands", and she's not indicating that you're tripping any of hers. Thanks to eHarmony, you're finding that you're getting along okay.

Logically, everything should be okay. Where's the sense of attraction?

Well, as pickup artists, and even eHarmony has noticed, chemistry is not usually a result of these things. As famous pick-up artist David DeAngelo points out so succinctly: "Attraction is not a choice."

But, pickup artists have noticed some things that help the process. And, yes, they've proposed psychological theories as to why they work.

But, as an incorrigible psychology geek, and therapy patient who's recognized these forces at play in his own life, I began to notice some different patterns. That the same psychological needs that played out in my therapy were ones that were also being "tweaked" by the pickup artist community. (Which is not to say that it's manipulative. I think that these same processes are unavoidable in "natural" interactions as well. Education just makes us more conscious of them.)

These psychological needs seem to be very basic. I'm sure there are more of them. And I'm sure that I, as well as other people in the community, will continue to refine this model.

The first need is what the analyst Heinz Kohut put forth as "Idealization".

Basically, it's the social need to have someone in your life to look up to. A powerful father-figure, if you will.

Pickup artists "tweak" this need with a lot of things. Social proofs. DHVs. Qualifiers and disqualifiers. Negs. Management of shit-tests. The "cocky" part of being "cocky and funny".

Essentially, tricks to demonstrate social status and dominance.

But there are other things that women idealize as well. And every woman is different in the qualities that they idealize.

When do you know that a woman's starting to idealize you?

She'll be giving you genuine compliments.

Accept them. Tell her that you appreciate her noticing. And let her stare doey-eyed at you for awhile.

But it's important to notice what a woman idealizes about you. And see if you really want to carry the qualities that she idealizes.

But, yes, almost all women want a man that they can idealize, to some degree. And, in my opinion, building this is often a crucial component to building chemistry.

Is that enough to build chemistry?

No. Idealization alone puts you in another category. People who are only idealizable tend to be seen as domineering, intolerant, bullying jerks. Very few women want to be around someone who is so rigid.

It's important to be idealizable, but other forces need to be present as well.

We'll talk about another basic need tomorrow.

Attachment Phase 1: But are you special?

A little time has passed during your first date.

You've passed "Phase 0". You've established that, in fact, you are having a good time with her. And she's having a good time with you.

And, if you want to be friends... either of you can leave things be.

But, is the chemistry there?

There's the rub.

Everyone has their own unconscious "attraction triggers". Things that they're hungry for, and are seeking in someone else.

Some of us are conscious of them. Some of us aren't. Most people, if asked, "What kind of guy are you attracted to?" will give a mixture of answers - and some of them will be "socially correct" things to say, but which aren't really attraction triggers at all. They may also name some "triggers" that relate to true attraction triggers, and some may actually be true.

But, if you're hitting them? She'll let you know with some of the deeper "indicators of interest" that pickup artists discuss.

This phase is where standard pick-up advice stands out. Because many of the "stunts" that pickup artists use hit common attraction triggers. And the men who truly hit a woman's emotional triggers are rare in most women's lives.

Now, you don't go overboard here. You don't want to tell a woman that you're able to provide something that you don't really want to provide. If dazzling her makes you feel bad, rather than good, don't do it. Remember, the goal is your mutual happiness, not a "successful seduction".

And, when everything's said and done, you may find that a woman isn't meeting your attraction triggers.

In which case - stay at phase 0. And enjoy the evening. And anything else that you may enjoy as friends.

You're probably wondering, "What are these common attraction triggers?"

Well, I can't list them all. But I can talk about some common ones.

... And I'll talk about 'em tomorrow.

RelyID - Who does it REALLY help?

I was prepared to continue my "attachment model" series today, but, lately, I've been getting a lot of panicked emails about one of eHarmony's newest "services" - relyID. Especially with eHarmony's recent implications that people's profiles are "incomplete" unless they submit to this service.

You may ask, "Why are they pushing this so hard?"

To understand that, you need to understand some things in the history of online "dating" services.

A few years ago, just as eHarmony was starting to become popular, a competitor arose.

Much like eHarmony, it offered compatability testing, based on tests that were (supposedly) designed by legitimate psychologists. (And I only say "supposedly", because I haven't really checked out their claims.)

But this service also separated itself from eHarmony from the fact that it did background checks on it's members. And threatened that it would prosecute any member who's background check indicated that they were married.

eHarmony took the high road. It investigated the possibility of initiating background checks. However, they discovered that such a process would be too error-prone to be useful. And decided it would be (legally) safest to modify the position they already had - that, since "background checks" are subject to errors, it's best not to spread possibly false information. Or give anyone a false sense of confidence that a potential match was safe. They publicly acknowledged that there are some "scammers" on the service, and told it's members to use caution.

I think eHarmony was right. And, yes, to my knowledge, eHarmony's competitor only carried out it's prosecution threat once.

Time passed. And, yes, "scammers" started to become more prevalent.

And, of course, this being America, many scam victims got together, and started a class-action lawsuit against another online service, for failing to do "enough" to prevent the scammers from operating. (Although, to be completely fair, many people in online dating communities had noticed that scammers seemed particularly attracted to the service that was sued.)

The case was settled out of court - and the settlement cost was very expensive.

So, eHarmony, in my mind, may be justifiably nervous. If you do background checks, you can get sued for giving false information or a false sense of security. And if you don't do background checks, you can get sued by scam victims for not doing "enough" to prevent it.

So... what would happen if another company came along, and said, "We'll do the background checks AND take responsibility for what happens as a result?"

You guessed it. eHarmony took the bait. Because now, if someone gets scammed, they're protected.

If the scammer didn't use RelyID verification? "You initiated communication with someone who refused to verify their identity? I'm sorry, but that was a bad call. You can't blame us for THAT."

If a scammer finds enough information about the person they're pretending to be, and passes the RelyID process? "Identity verification is provided by RelyID. We are not responsible for the quality of the services that our advertisers provide. You can contact RelyID at ______."

And, in the end, eHarmony still comes out OK.

Yes, I suppose that RelyID might be sued out of business someday. They're picking up a lot of risk.

But, they can turn a tidy profit, until that day. (And, I imagine that eHarmony might, as well.)

Oh, and the information that you're entrusting RelyID with?

Did you read the Terms of Service agreement?

They're allowed to share your private data with anybody. For any reason.

Now, do you believe that a company who is about to be sued out of business will hesitate in earning a few bucks by selling their information? Perhaps to the very identity thieves we hired RelyID to protect us from?

I don't trust it. And I won't use it.

Yes, using RelyID demonstrates that I'm not providing a casual false identity. But, really, in the end, the "verification" comes from information that even not-terribly-sophisticated identity theives can still obtain. It really doesn't provide much protection.

And, in the end, a woman who's too scared to meet someone who refused the RelyID... probably will find new reasons to fear me after the process is over.

I really don't see it expanding my pool of "dateable" people.

But, as Dennis Miller says, "That's just my opinion. I could be wrong."

Navigating Phase 0 Attachment

So... You're at phase zero - where both of you are just trying to figure out whether you're even likeable or not.

Good news? This stage can go very quickly. And really doesn't have to be overthought. You either enjoy each other's company... or you don't. Yes, there are PUA "tricks" to navigate this phase, but, in the end, I don't like using them. Why would I want to get closer to someone I'm not really liking?

You're both guarded. You're not really in a relationship yet. Nor should you act that way.

The first date? Should be an activity where you're going to have fun. It should be a test for her - to see if she'll enjoy the same things you do. And you should spend no more money than you would for an afternoon's entertainment. So little, in fact, that you don't feel like you've wasted money, if the date doesn't go well.

Establishing touch? It's a gambit at this point. On one hand, you show that you're warm and comfortable with touch. On the other hand, it keeps your touch from being "special" or "earned" by something she did. She considers your casual touch to be something that's given to anyone. This can be both a good and bad thing. Personally, I wait before giving anything more than a friendly smile and handshake. But I know many others who don't.

Discussion of "relationship topics"? Premature at this point - you don't even know if you like each other yet, much less whether you want to get into a relationship! Don't bring them up. If she brings them up, be cocky and funny in a way that implies that she's going way too fast, or asks if she's really ready for what she's asking about. (Not that answering the question is out of the question - but she should be put in her place before answering.)

When do you know when you've navigated this phase? If she starts talking about thing she'd like to do. Or she agrees to switch to another venue. Or talks about spending more time, or having another date.

But, if you're not having a good time... cut it short. Don't try to attract people who you aren't having any fun with. It's just silly to spend more time with someone who's like that.

Phase 1 is next - another mild milestone...

Attachment Phase 0: Do We Enjoy Each Other's Company?

(Note: This model is in development, and carries "Fresh from the lab" status. Further refinements are likely.)

Okay, so you realize, now, that people usually don't instantly go from, "I don't know you" to "I want to be in a relationship with you".

And, yes, pushing a relationship too early can cause bad things to happen. It makes you look like you want a relationship with anyone, and that she should just give that to you without knowing you. And it makes her feel uncomfortable.

So, where does a relationship start? And how does it progress?

I haven't found any good models so far. So, in my experience (which may not be so great - after all, I'm not in a happy marriage), I'll try to build one. And, as time goes on, I'm sure it will be fine-tuned, by myself and the eHarmony Cracked community.

Let's start in the beginning. She's at least interested enough to agree to meet you on a date.

What happens in the very beginning, as far as attachment is concerned?

You don't know each other yet. There's almost no attachment, and no real reason to see attachment occurring yet.

In fact, you don't even know whether you'll enjoy each other's company. So, the first step on the journey is to figure that piece out.

Basically - can you have an enjoyable date with her?

Do you have enough in common to have a good time doing something together?

Is she so uptight (or unattracted) that she can't even flirt with you?

Basically, this would be the "starting point" for all of the seduction models. Tons have been written about how to get someone to like you. And I can't repeat all the methods that the seduction gurus expound.

Find what's right for you.

And have fun. Because, if you can't... she's not passing your test.

She's ambivalent... Why the heck aren't you?

Yesterday, I talked about one of the biggest killers of early relationships.

Most women, when they're first talking about starting a relationship? They're ambivalent.

But when a guy sees this ambivalence, and pushes even harder for the relationship that he desires... it's a sure ticket to, "You're a great guy, but I'm not ready for a relationship" town.

So, what what do you do about this?

You really need to stop pushing for the relationship.

I hate to say this, but if she's ambivalent, and you're pushing a relationship after one date... she's got the healthier attitude.

Why are you so all-fired sure that you want a relationship with this woman after a few hours?

Do you even know this woman?

For chrissake - she's on "first date" behavior. You won't even see what she's really like until months pass.

So, cool your jets. Enjoy the date.

And wait for her to prove herself worthy of a relationship.

Make her convince you.

So, how do you move from mutual, healthy ambivalence to a relationship?

More to come...

She doesn't want a relationship? Is she nuts?

One of the things I'm noticing on our one year anniversary is that our readers are facing different struggles than they faced a year ago.

A year ago? The most common complaint was, "I can't get the date."

Now? The most common problem seems to be in the transition from "first dates" to "a relationship".

In some ways, I'm pretty happy about this. It means that people are benefiting from the advice I've given on the online portion of the game.

The bad news? Now we've got another layer of problems.

So, let's go after this layer.

How does this "sticking point" usually manifest itself?

It comes when you've piqued her interest enough in order to get the date. You meet. You have a decent time, you find things that you have in common.

But she starts to freak out about being "in a relationship" with you.

Is she NUTS?

Maybe. But a little nuttiness is to be expected from most women.

In fact, I prefer not to call it "being nuts". I call it ambivalence.

The fact is, if you're on a date (or a few dates) and having a good time, she's seeing some possibilities, if she's at all relationship-minded.

But she's still not sure. She's certainly not ready to think about things like moving in, marriage, children, and so forth. Not after one or two dates. Probably not after months.

The biggest trouble? When you take an ambivalent woman, and you combine that with a man who's infatuated and implying, "I really want this to be forever"... most normal women will freak.

So, how do you reduce healthy freakouts?

I'll talk about that in the next few articles.

Happy Birthday, eHarmony Cracked!

Wow.

This blog is having it's first birthday tomorrow.

And, let me tell you, folks. It's been a wild, and unexpected ride.

Let's take a quick look at how we've started, and where we are today...

When this blog was started, it was meant to be a gift to the pickup artist community. A little secret to be shared between trusted friends. An evolutionary adjustment of technique to adapt to a different method of communication.

Well, the "little secret group" lasted less than a month, after one of our more enthusiastic members began a (small) publicity campaign.

And started a chain reaction of events that I would have never predicted.

The most obvious change? Our membership itself. From a secret cabal of less than 25 invited members, we've grown to a readership of over 2000 unique readers monthly. And we expect to pass the 3000 unique readers benchmark in January.

Aside from our numbers, Quantcast.com paints an interesting picture of us. Here's what I know about you:

• Despite being written from a man's perspective... 45% of our readers are women. And, although I could joke about how interesting it is that women want to read advice on how to pick up other women, they've made our community much more interesting. (And, yes, I've been told that a few people have went around eHarmony and met each other through our Google Group...)
• You're a lot more successful than the average eHarmony (or advice.eharmony.com) user - at least financially. 29% of you make over $100,000 a year, and 60% of you make over $60,000 yearly. And you're also more educated than the average advice.eharmony.com user. Bottom line? People who've been successful in their lives choose my advice over eHarmony's. And that's flattering.
  
• On the down side? A little ethnic diversity would be nice. My readership is 92% cauccasian. If anyone has ideas on how I could make my writing or our group a little more relevant to other cultures... please let me know.

So, how are you doing? It's difficult to say. I get a lot of letters thanking me for what I've done, and quite a few letters telling me about improvements they've made. Perhaps more importantly, I'm seeing a lot of men, previously describing themselves as being "frustrated" with the service becoming happier and more self-confident.

Oh... and eHarmony's made some changes, too. One wise man described the process of change as going in three steps:

• "That's not true."
• "That may be true, but it's not relevant."
• "That's true, but we already knew that."

Before this blog started?

• eHarmony's radio ads trumpeted that you don't have to worry about what you write in your profile.
• They suggested that they were the only certain way for someone to meet the love of their lives.
• Suggested that the solution - for everyone - was to find the "right person", and that the "packaging" should be irrelevant. And that if anyone was doing badly, they just needed more patience.
  

Since that time?

• eHarmony wrote one article saying that pickup technique (particularly the concept of the "avatar") was effective, but deemphasized it's relevance for "relationship-minded" people.
• ... but, soon after writing that article, incorporated the core avatar principle in another article - that a profile can not be a complete statement about who a person is, and that one should be mindful about the initial impression their profile makes.
• They've stopped discouraging people from looking for people outside of the eHarmony service. Advertising started centering around finding someone "you'll love", and less about marriage. And they've even tested ads where they're just promising a good date.

Can I say that these changes were because of my blog? I can't say. But it's an interesting coincidence.

Anyway... thanks for a great year, folks.

Can't wait to see what happens this year.

A One-Day Experiment

Okay, guys. I'm going to hit a touchy subject today. At least for a lot of you.

But don't worry. I'm not going to force you to make a big change today. I don't think I can do that.

But I'd like you to try something a little different for just one afternoon this weekend.

And if you don't like it... you can go back to the way you did things before.

Are you ready?

Okay, pick a free afternoon this weekend.

Got your weekend afternoon picked out? Good.

Get a good night's sleep the day before.

That day, when you take a shower, pay more attention to your grooming than usual. Scrub yourself with a washcloth. Do what you need to do to fix your hair nicely. (If you can go to the barber the day before, it will help.) Spend extra attention on your shaving. Tweeze your eyebrows, ears, and nose. Trim your nails.

Find the best clothes you have. Most guys have one good suit for special occasions. That will be perfect. Make sure it's clean and well-pressed. (And if it needs retailoring, doing this in advance will help.) Wear matching socks. Wear your best shoes, and shine 'em.

Are you looking your best? Good.

Now, go to the mall.

If your experience is anything like mine, you'll notice a big difference right away.

When you go into a shop, salespeople will be much more attentive.

If you initiate conversation with people, they'll pay a lot more attention to you.

And, yes, women's body language will change significantly when you try to talk to them.

Bottom line? When you groom and dress yourself, people treat you a lot differently than when you don't.

And, if you're like me... you'll like the changes.

And you may decide to work on your appearance a little more.

Trust me, it helps.

I know, I know. You're the same person, no matter how you're dressed. It seems unfair that people would treat you differently because of your looks. And, maybe you feel comfortable in your own grooming or dressing pattern. I know that I did.

But, in the end, life is so much easier when you dress well.

And, if you don't believe that... just try it for one day.

What are you looking for?

Another frequently-emailed question that I receive are variants of the same question:

"I'm looking for a serious relationship on eHarmony. When should I say this?"

"I'm not sure if I want a serious relationship, but the people who subscribe to eHarmony can be really serious. When should I let people know?"

I haven't really done much experimentation with how to reveal what I'm looking for in a relationship. I pretty much started with what I'm doing now, and never really looked for another way. But, I can talk about what I do.

The first question you should ask yourself is, "Why is this information important"?

If you approached a lot of women out of the blue, saying, "Hey, I want to have a wife and kids - how about you?", or "Hey, babe, I'm only interested in a physical relationship", most women will think you're a little strange.

It's like going to an auto dealership, with a salesman who insists that you buy a car right now at an "amazingly low price", even though you don't know anything about the car that you're buying.

If you're going to come to a discussion about "terms of payment", you have to be interested in the product first. Because, if you don't show interest, a discussion about the "deal" you're willing to make... it just seems strange.

So, no. I'm just answering Dr. Warren's profile questions in a manner that will generate interest. Except for my brief answer for the quality I'm most looking for (which isn't the willingness to settle down - that's common and easy to find), I don't talk about what I'm looking for at all.

It's up to her to show interest.

And, yes, if she asks me what I'm looking for in communication, I'll answer. There's no reason to hide that information. (And I'm happy that she's interested enough to ask.)

So, if she doesn't mention it, when do I?

I'll do it on the phone.

As I've mentioned, one of my favorite phone questions is, "So... what made you decide to start on eHarmony?"

Yes, it puts her on the defensive a little. She has to say why she's not a social reject who can only find guys online. She'll usually respond with what she's looking for, and how she sees eHarmony as helping that.

Reciprocate. At this point, passing each other's tests feels good. And you've at least introduced the subject to see if you're at least (generally) looking for the same things.

One final note? If you aren't looking for a serious relationship... there are a lot of women (who are) that assume that men are. And they can get angry when they hear that they've wasted communication time with a guy who isn't looking for a serious relationship.

If you care about this (and you may not), then I'd put what you're looking for in the profile.

Does kindness need to be hidden?

Many people, when they're first introduced to the ideas of this blog, have some resistance. They feel that the confident, honest, and direct communication style that I put forth doesn't mesh well with their own personalities.

They ask, "but, I really am a nice guy. Shouldn't that come through in my profile?"

Well, first, you need to examine what "nice" means. If you're talking about the negative connotations of being nice, then, the answer is a resounding "no".

But some people who describe themselves as "nice" don't have those negative connotations. They are genuinely kind, warm, generous, and principled people. They don't act this way to try to "get" something out of someone. They do it for themselves.

These are very positive traits. And your profile should imply that you have them.

The problem? You need to not look like the manipulative, trying-to-please-so-I-can-get-what-I-really-want-if-I-really-know-what-that-is-anyway "nice guy".

So, what do the manipulators do?

They brag about their "niceness", with the implication that they should be rewarded.

They say that they're "nice". And give long tributes to themselves.

They say that they like stereotypic "nice things". Like puppies and flowers.

So... don't do that. People with kindness and emotional warmth don't need to directly say it. They live it. And it will show in their profile.

For example, a lot of "warm, nice" guys will talk about evenings at the beach.

But, what about the young writer, who, when asked what he's passionate about, answers, "Right now, I'm passionate about my newest project - I'm collecting the life stories of the men on death row, to try to understand what went wrong in their lives to make them explode in such a violent way."

He's not bragging. He's saying what he's passionate about. Some women may not empathize with a death row criminal. And that's immaterial. What he is demonstrating, indirectly, is the ability to understand others, respond to other people's emotions, and display his legitimate kindness toward people that others seek to avoid.

All good relationship strengths.

If he decides to be in a relationship with the reader.

When she's itching for a fight...

Here's another spice for you guys... But it's a volatile one. Use it at the right time - it works great. Use it at the wrong time - it can blow up in your face.

But... has your girlfriend ever got into one of those moods? The one where she's just itching for a fight for no real reason? Where she just keeps egging you on from random topic to random topic?

Okay, maybe not a lot. But it's annoying when it happens.

Call her on it.

"Awww... she's trying to pick a fight with me. That's soooo cute."

She'll either laugh... or really start tearing into you.

Reflections from the bald head...

A long time ago, when I was first out of college, I entered the job search, not really knowing what I wanted or where I was headed. But, I knew that I had to sort things out, and a friend recommended the classic book, "What Color Is Your Parachute"?

One section that stuck out for me - even when it didn't refer to my specific problems - was it's suggestion for people who had things in their background that they couldn't control. Like the fact that they were physically handicapped. Or had a criminal record.

The book's advice was very straightforward and direct. It told the potential jobseeker that there, in essence, were two types of employers: Those that would hire someone with their "problem", and those that wouldn't.

If they were one of the ones that wouldn't? Ask if they know anyone who would be interested in hiring someone like them, and end the interview quickly.

In one of my recent emails, one of my readers asked how I approached dating considering my own male pattern baldness.

I approached it pretty much the same way. Some women aren't going to be attracted to a bald guy. And that's fine. It gives me more time to spend one the ones that can.

But... after looking at some of my latest pictures (and the last vestiges of my hairline), I decided to shave off the rest of my hair.

No, I didn't do it to impress women. I did it because I thought I might look better.

And, I figure at least some of you are curious about how it's affected the online game.

Well, before I go into personal experience, I do have to mention that "Freakanomics" did cite a study where male pattern baldness was associated with poorer results online, but shaved heads were not. I haven't read the original article, but I certainly have a lot of questions. (Maybe it's because people who shave their heads pay more attention to how "fashionable" they are? Or they're more confident? I don't know.)

So... what's my experience?

Well, no one stopped communication when I told them about my new look. I was actually kind of prepared for that. Turned out not to be a problem. Also, I tested my pictures on Hot or Not, and my ratings improved significantly.

But, for me, the most interesting changes were in real life.

Before the head-shave, pre-communication closures for lack of chemistry were rare. However, they increased significantly after the head shave.

But... of the ones who did respond? They were a lot more enthusiastic.

So, my final guess? I think that shaving my head just "turned up the volume" on women's reactions to my baldness. The women who found the bald head sexy, liked it. And the ones that didn't... really didn't.

In my opinion? I like the change. I'm keeping it. And, if things don't work out with my girlfriend, I know that there are plenty of women who like it.

High tension, low comfort: Online Buyer's Remorse.

In the Mystery Model (one of the classic models in the seduction community), high attraction and low comfort usually lead to "Buyer's remorse". The classic example? When you've made a bar approach, and she quickly cranks up the physical escalation.

To the beginner, things look great. Until he tries to call her the next day, and the woman refuses to return his phone calls.

The problem? Although she got swept up in the moment, the time alone made her realize that she didn't know that much about the guy. She starts to freak out - and decides it's best to stay away.

Can something like this happen online?

Yes. And very easily.

Email provides a very safe forum for a woman. She can develop a fantasy world, and develop fantasy images of what you're like. She can appear however she wants. She can be as fun, flirty, and saucy as she wants. And if the conversation stays in email, it's all going to be perfectly safe.

The trouble is, when you propose moving away from email, that artificial sense of safety disappears.

And she's very likely to be scared of what you'll expect when you meet outside of email. And, in the end, she's more likely to run away from you (in real life) than meet you.

So, what can you do to prevent this?

• If she's even slightly interested in you, move to the phone, and set the date. Don't try to seduce anyone online.
• Don't have extended email conversations. If you stay low-key, and stick to the elements that I suggested in my Open Communication templates, you should be able to get a phone number quickly.
• If she's running hot, don't escalate. Stay confident that she'll meet you on the date. Write her only enough to reassure her that you're not a jerk. Playfully let her know that you're not so sure about her... yet. It's safer to meet someone who's unsure about you, than someone who's going to maul you as soon as you meet.
• And if she's running hot... Skip the pre-date banter games. These build interest. But when you've got high interest/low comfort, this step will compound the problem.
  

High tension, low comfort: The self-esteem meltdown

Over the last few days, we've been talking about what happens when a woman is feeling comfortable with a man, but doesn't feel any gut-level tension or attraction.

Some readers ask - can the opposite problem happen? Can people run into problems when they create too much tension, but don't provide enough comfort?

Of course, they can.

First of all - tension can only go so far. You want her leave her wanting just a little more information about you. And leaving her wondering, just a little bit, about whether she's meeting your standards.

But, in one of the most common "High tension, low comfort" scenarios, people build that tension too high, and it stops being fun. It stops being playful or suspenseful. Women, in this state of tension, start to believe that you're hiding deal-breaking information, that you lack the confidence to state who you are, or feel like you carry standards that she can't handle.

Bottom line? She'll walk away very angry.

Don't get me wrong. If you have standards, she's not meeting them, and she's walking away angry... That's not such a bad thing.

But if it's happening a a lot, and it seems like it's unnecessary... it's time to raise the comfort and friendliness factors.

In the "tampon" zone? Step 2 - Stop rewarding bad behavior!

But, even when people are given yesterday's sage advice, they often ask another question:

"Is there anything that I can say now to build attraction, and convince her what a great guy I am?"

Here's the problem: When you try to "say something to get her attention", you're giving her exactly what she wants.

Right now, she sees you as a safe source of attention to turn to when she feels like her ego needs a little stroking.

And, when you pay attention to her... you're telling her that she can.

In other words, that you'll still be an emotional tampon for her.

So, in the end, all all attempts to demonstrate what a great guy you are... will only make your problem worse.

So, if you want her to stop her from using you this way... you need to stop letting her do it.

And if you're busy finding five more women, and you're busy living your life... this should be easy.

If she wants to be your pen pal, but won't give a phone number? You're busy. You've got other things to do. Tell her you don't have time for that.

If she flakes on a date? Leave. Do something else - with someone else. And, if she calls back and asks to "reschedule", let her know you might squeeze her in again when you're not busy. (... and that might be never.)

Because, when you're too busy to feed the emotionally needy women of the world - they'll stop. And the women who are interested in you will make an effort to spend time with you.

In the "tampon" zone? Step 1 - GFFM!

So, you've been through the eHarmony process, and you're finding that you're liking a woman... but, although her comfort is high, her attraction is low. And, in "Just a Guy"'s words, she's using you as an emotional tampon.

What do you do when you're in this situation?

It's one of the most common questions in the seduction community. So common, that the answer has become an acronym.

GFFM. Short for "go find five more." (The word "find" is often replaced, but I've found that "find" works just fine for me.)

Why is it so important?

Because, when you're trying so hard to get a woman to be attracted to you, you start to do all the wrong things. (I'll talk about that tomorrow.)

But, by the time you've actually dated five more women, people usually realize that Woman #1 wasn't as special, attractive, sexy, interesting, witty, or charming as you had thought.

And at that point? You've reversed the power. You've got options.

And if she really does want something from you? She has to start competing for your attention all over again.

And if anything builds your attraction level at this point - it will be this.

"But, aren't there other things that can help build attraction"?

We'll talk about that tomorrow.